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Losing Jeff


cassandra

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It has now been three months since the death of our son Jeff.  He was a wonderfully likeable and kind-hearted young man. He died suddenly on December 12, 2009 of heart failure.  I am still in shock and doing my utmost to keep moving forward in a positive manner. Some days are not too bad, but others are a complete loss. Funny how the strangest things can trigger off memories. And I find myself awash with pain.  He was only 28 years old. Loved life and lived it fully until his last breath. Loved music and sports and was very active. I am afraid my greatest fear is that my husband and I did not respond quickly enough in getting help and that may have led to his death. He lived with us and it was a Saturday evening. We had eaten our dinner and he then headed into his room to watch TV.  About two hours later my life was turned upside down. My husband performed CPR while I remained on the phone to the emergency response crew giving me directions in helping him. It was all very surreal. He died as my husband was performing the procedure and they told us to keep up with this until the emergency crew arrived. It took exactly eleven minutes for them to arrive...but it seemed an eternity. Suddenly our home was filled with people. Five medical responders, mounties, and firemen. We live in a rural area and so it is necessary for all of them to arrive.  I kept thinking that it would be like in the movies. They would shock his heart back and get a pulse. They worked agressively for the time allowed. They did everything to help get him back. I stood in the door way to his bedroom in disbelief. This was not happening...it could not be. It was not the natural order of things...It should have been me. He was too young.

WE had a very close and loving relationship and I take comfort in the knowledge that he is now in a good place. But I miss him terribly and am still in shock. Will this pain ever lighten up? If anybody can give me any words of comfort I would be so grateful. Thanks.

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Dear Cassandra

 I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son , Jeff.   He certainly sounds wonderful, so  full of life and love!!

 

You have found a very loving compassionate place in which to share your sadness and grief.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son.  You are in the right place.

I lost my only child. Stephen 2 1/2 years ago and I have found coming here, posting sharing my sadness, pain and growth with others who understand has truly helped me on this terrible of all journeys.

 

I would like to suggest that you  go to the "Loss of Adult Child" section on this Board and introduce yourself  you will find a number of loving, compassionate people who have also lost a child and will welcome you with the gentleness and kindness you so deserve. 

 

Please tell us more about Jeff and include a Picture.  We love to see each child when we sign on.

 

Welcome again

 

Betty

Stephen's mom:)

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Thank you so much for your reply and advice. I will definitely try the adult child section.  It is comforting to know that there is a place to share the emotions we are feeling at this time.  I will include a picture and a brief biography of him on that site. Thanks again Betty for your reply.

 

 

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Cassandra

Boy, do I know how you feel.  On 6-19-08 our son Brian decided to climb on the hood of a car and his "friend" drove 68mph in a 25mph zone into a tree.  My son died within minutes of hitting the ground.  The accident scene is 1/4 mile from our house.

Brian was 3 weeks from 16 when he died.

I was living a nightmare.  A court process ensued and the driver is now a convicted felon.  Two families torn apart.

It has been 21 months now and I can breath.  I can laugh without feeling guilty.  Why, because I came here; where my "friends who know" are always ready to give me a virtual hug.

I grieve for you, but know that it will get better.  With your work and TIME.

Come join us on the Adult Child site.  Even though Brian was not an adult, it does not matter, I am accepted without question.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever 

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Thanks Colleen, I am so sorry to read about your loss.  Brian looks like he was an extremely nice boy. He looks like a real sweetie. It's hard isn't it? I had no idea. Fact is... I never thought about it before. That I would ever find myself in this position. I am really happy that you are able to finally begin to move forward and at the same time have found comfort in the friends you have found on this site.  Our  family consists primarly of elderly people and we are the only caregivers. So, death is not something unfamiliar to us. Yet, this came out of the blue.  It cuts like a knife. We are making every attempt to put one foot in front of the other and keep plugging along. It is true however that we reach out to those who understand. That is why I sought out this site.  I need the support of those who understand. Just the other day a friend commented that it was not a bad thing that my mother-in-law was dying as it provided something else for me to focus on. I was dumbfounded. It has only been three months ant they treat me as if it is over and get on with it. Very difficult. I;m glad you are finally smiling. Life eventually goes on and that is what they would want of us. I'm sure of that.

 

   

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Cassandra:  I am so very, very sorry to read of your loss...your precious son, Jeff...yes, it is a shock and yes, we do wonder why it wasn't us instead.  The pain is searing, never-ending at first, and you have been dealing with this for such a short time.  I am so glad that you found BI; there are wonderful people here, and we all share the same journey. 

I lost my son, Mike, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer.  He was 31 years old, and has three children, boys, who are now 13, 12 and 5.  We see the boys often, and are close to their mothers...(Mike's older two were from a previous marriage). 

Mike was very close to all of his family, and he and I shared a special kind of bond from his infancy to the day of his leaving us.  My life was changed entirely on the day we learned he had terminal brain cancer, and I never thought I would know such pain...then I learned that we "never know," on the day of his passing, my whole world changed forever.

Please come to "Loss of Adult Child" to share your Jeff with us.  When you can, tell us more about him, about your memories of him.  We love to share our children, and it is truly what keeps us going.

love and peace to you, Cassandra,

Carol  mikesmomrs

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Cassandra - I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Jeff. 

I found it necessary to "reach out" at about the three month mark, too.  I, too, was directed to the "loss of an adult child" thread within this site.   It may have just literally saved my life.

My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died from injuries sustained in an ATV accident on Sunday, August 9, 2009 at 10:55am.  She left behind three children whom my husband and I are raising.

It's only been 7 1/2 months for me, but the pain has lightened for me.  It got worse before it got better, but it seems to be getting a bit easier these days. 

I do hope you come to the adult child thread and tell us all about your son.  Very wise, loving people frequent that site who have travelled this path far longer than me.  I have found their experience invaluable as I follow in their footsteps.  Footsteps none of us would wish on anyone, but nevertheless, are forced to take.

Much love and peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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