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the suicide Journals


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Hello my name is Colleen, on Nov 6th of 09 my brother Sean took his life. He hung himself from a tree.

 40   years old with a beautiful 10 year old daughter. Since the day.....the news ..........devastated my way of life ,I have been trying so hard to keep my head above water, to keep myself afloat. With the pain of not understanding, the torment of so many questions regarding why? It has been the hardest thing i have ever endured.

I live 600 miles  away with my 2 daughters from any family and zero support system how do you cope this way? ....Ive tried to paint on a happy face and move on about my business as the functioning individual I was before this came crashing down on me. But it just seemed that one thing after the next, life started to shatter more and more .

Two weeks following Seans death my aunt passed away in surgery, a few weeks after that my husband cheated on me while we were home spending Christmas with my family and i was with my mother goin through my  dead brothers things, A cpl weeks later i found out my daughter, my 14 year old beautiful little girl,:( tried to kill herself and was also cutting herself to numb the pain. 3 weeks later i filed for divorce as  i found myself in the emotionally empty relationship that i blinded myself to until i couldn't help but need someone desperately and he didnt have the time for me and did nothing but continuously cause me more heart ache and pain. Than to top it all off i lost my job due to my inability to fuction through all the pain.

The following is a small part of the only outlet i have had in the past 4 months, the poetry that has been my best friend and way to vent my emotions.

I began writing my journal as a way of supplying myself with home made therapy.

and felt as i went on with it, that it could offer some insight to those who have walked through the footsteps of surviving the death of a loved one. and possibly assist someone feeling the way sean felt in seeing the long term damage there decision has one the ones they love

this is the link ,it is a face book group that is open to any one on face book

THE SUICIDE JOURNALS  The pain and pleasure of life loved and lost

by Colleen rowley


Colleen Rowley Parent THE CREMATED REMAINS

of a part of me

sits on my dresser inanimately

it has no voice no arms to hold

it has no wisdom nothing foretold...

just the ashes of a part of my heart

someone whose been there from the very start

his eyes still stare at me his smile still shines

but a hole exists at thiis moment in time

wondering when the pain will subside

as it comes and goes with the force of the tides

no more memories to make

no more of his time to take.

no more wondering how he is doing

as the blues of his death

have left me in ruins

family broken down into fraction

at the hand of his selfish actions

and brother and sister left with out a brother

a mother left with a pain that can smother

a father left in the pain of not helping

his little boy in his moment of coping

a wife tormented by the sickness of his mind

a daughter left to wonder why?

step daughter cousins nieces and nephews

all left in a state of confusion

friends from the past

friends from the present

friends left with there own heartache and resentment

friends that were more than that friends that were like family

have been damaged so painfully sadly

do you ever get past a suicide death

do you ever manage to heal with a bandage?

i put you in a heart around my neck

keeping you closer than you would ever let.

it is now that i feel you more than in years past

now that your gone your time went to fast.

It is a hard thing to grasp the thought of not being able to understand yourself ,the thought of never feeling good enough to the point that is paralyzes you in your life when it gets overwhelming. My feeling is that is what sean suffered.



Don't ever assume you understand someone Else's actions, for the only understanding one can have of someone Else's experiences, is the understanding of them through through ur own personal journey {someone else experiences do not belong to you and they are all unique},there for when u feel u have understanding??? , STOP AND THINK, am i understanding this persons experience from the perspective in which THEY LIVED THEM???? , or am i understanding what there saying in relation to my life and my experiences the only thing u find in the assumption of understanding is misunderstanding


I sit alone At 3 am writing this ...

thinking of the times we shared;

all the memories we have;

makes this so hard to bare.

thinking of the father you were;

and just how many hearts that cared.

Sean, just a few moments to say goodbye

As my heart, body and eyes do cry.

Trying to look through this kaleidoscope of emotion

Trying to handle an cope with this moment.

Letting go of you............Is SO PAINFUL, because i LOVE YOU SO MUCH

That feeling these feelings

is leaving me crushed.

You are my big brother

NO one can EVER take your place!

When I close my eyes all I see is your face!

Sean the time is ticking just one more minute to say goodbye

One more minute to tell you how I feel

One minute SEAN

if your hear an your attention I could steal!

I wish for

One more minute to hold you tight

One more minute to look in your eyes

and beg and tell you together we can win this fight

One more minute

Just One more day

One more memory to make

As I'd reach out and your hand i would take.

there is nothing i can do even if i pray

but in my heart im still begging you to stay!

I understand I get it

Your body is gone now

But you live in my heart

there was never a second you weren't there from the start

in my everyday your memory wont part

Every second I hold on to

Every memory is precious

Every smile

Every laughter you shared

was nothing short of contagious

But....I guess ..... your fight is over

YOUR pain is gone

You’re up there singing

your favorite Neon Bach song

I think of you with a heart that’s full

I think of you with no ill will

I thank God for giving you to me

And I thank god for setting your pain free

I thank god and I pray

That he is holding your tight

And you are basking in the love of a beautiful new light.



i walk and i wonder how could it be

that tomorrow will come and i will be free

i will wander the street of this confused mind

i will make good decisions and have a clear mind

nothing ever will break me

it may have fractured its true

i just need to look forward and lean on you

my prayers will be said

and i will be strong in my faith

that god has a plan and

and in his arms sean is safe

ill smile and remember all f the movies that play in my mind

and hold you dear every moment in time

to move and heal is not a rejection

not in anyway is a careless reflection

just the road i have to take

not in any way a mistake

so i breath in a sigh of releif

as i let go of some of this heavy grief

for your soul is one that danced in the sun

and your smile and i are forever one

i love you



I feel beat up and twisted,

flipped and beaten upside down,

hurting deep inside my soul,

crying and tired of this never ending fal,l

working hard to hold it together,

wondering why i have to weather the weather.

one thing runs over me after the next,

I feel like im stuck in this tidal wave of stress.

one more trial to pass the test

,i have had it im finished cant take any more,

im tired of of the way gods knockin at my door,

dead brother dead aunt,

intimate relationship scard and bent,

my babies hurting suffering inside,

i sit and i watch her in pain as she cries,

hold my hands out to hold her,

love her with a heart that is damaged,

don't know how to help her dont know how to manage,

sickness sets in my body is hurting,

work is fed up that there is no learning,

damaged and broken withered and misfit,

dont know what to do don't know how to fix it.

turning to god my faith is challenged,

but im still trying to find a peaceful balance,


This is how i think Sean felt i wrote this poem a long time ago."


OH LORD work with me

toss me a bone

I looked in that direction and still found no home

I reached out my hand and offered my soul

Wining for me wasn't a goal

I just wanna be happy

stop running from life

YA know make a commitment

Without having to fight!

I wanna wake up to some sunshine and be

where I wanna be

Wanna have someone im in love with laying next to me

I wanna smile and shine when I look at her face

I wanna be happy knowing she wants me to share in her space

I wanna find joy in the simplest of things

I wanna be that bird that flies when he

Spreads his wings



Monday, November 23, 2009 9:20 PM

at the earliest of age

when we were both very small

and I couldn't live up to my biggest brotherly goal

which was to fill in your footsteps

walk in your path

be by your side

weather it is tears or some laughs

funny and mischief, torment and tease

the fun filled memories of you I seize

you were a father that glowed with a beautiful light

as his little girl Amy was “his world” and his biggest delight

you would gleamed as you would watch her

and Know you found the love of your life

Sean my big brother

I adored you so much,

wanted to be like you strong and tough,

feel the energy that you would exuded when u would walk in a room

and flash that Irish smile and make the girls swoon

many years had passed and distance had occurred

but my affection for you never would swerve

than I found you feeling lost and alone, feeling like you had no home

I said your coming home with me

and you looked at me like you got stung by a bee.

I said with confusion


I love you I, want to be here and he started to cry

and i could see the pain & fears he couldn’t hide

we lived together & worked together every day for a year,

24 -7 with his little sister was probably one of his fears

but day by day i watched as he healed

and smiled that sunshine again and began to feel

and God I love you Sean. That didn’t end with your life

your spirit and soul have taken flight

& every min we shared, every tear that fell, every trick you played

that made me laugh like hell Id do it all again even with the same finale because you were my brother my blood and a Rowley

Everything about you was a treasure and a gift

through your life so many hearts you did lift

and my heart holds you with the deepest of care.

And i know for a fact that around me your still there

love you brother




tomorrow is just another day

todays worries will be far away

what haunts you in the here and now

tomorrow will take second rail

what we have to understand is that time will never hold out hand

so when u think you have the time

think back to when u read this rhyme

and remember how colleen told you

live your life to your heart true



been thinking about relationships

about people

about missed opportunities

about living your life and getting to the end

and not wanting to say

i wish wish wish

i would of done that and i would of done this

and dreams and desires float on by

as you never look your true potential in the eye

and ya settle

and ya trudge along

singing the same old boring song

wondering when your ship will come in

as the days and the months and the years do you in

how often we have a hold of something we want

and we let go of it for fear of what ????

living your life feeling trapped between walls

and you listen and hear as your happiness calls

and it drifts and it drifts

further and further into this emptiness

till your sweet sounds of happiness aren't anymore happy

the echo becomes this shallow sad tear

a memory that causes your heart to fear

and again and again you wish and you wonder

what might of been

had u jumped in the water

and went for that swim



explain this to me

what were u thinking

hittin the bottle a little to much drinking

the pain was intense

the turmoil to much

the life u were leading just wasn't enough?

so here we LIVE with this memory of u.

Dealing with this nightmarish image

is what i have left to do.

when i close my eyes what it is i see

isnt my brother it's that f***in tree

thank you sean,

thanks for the memories

thanks big brother

for takin such good care of me.

I had a ruff time that day as you can see

===========================================February 19 at 1:15pm · Delete Post27364_520735727_1547_q.jpgColleen Rowley Parent It isnt easy to be here it isnt easy to share

it isnt easy to relive these memories

that better qualify as nightmares

it isnt easy to undersatnd

that he lived a life with out a plan

it isnt easy to ask the questions why

it is easier to just sit back and feel the pain and cry

it isnt easy to let go

it isnt easy to hold on

it isnt easy to accept that you are gone

it isnt easy to reach for something positive

it isnt easy to live like this

it isnt easy to find the good

in the loos of your brotherhood

it isnt easy to try to feel that under the pain

is a positive message that will reign

it isnt easy to say good bye

and it still hurts when i look to the sky

and what i have left is the question WHY

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

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Dear friend,

I am deeply sorry for what you are enduring so far away. I know, that's what I am going through too so far from home. Yet I cannot know how you feel it is in your own heart. Just as my pain is mine. Not having family nearby or someone who really does

care about you is tough. In a strange town where people are just nosy, no one really knows you. Yet your family does, and they know what we feel. Just keeping in touch helps, but the pain slowly lifts day by day. I am trying to imagine him in heaven but its tough. People say it was God's Will. Maybe, but still. My nephew was close in age to my son. We were close. I don't know why he did what he did. I wish there was something I could have done. Anything. Again, I see your pain and trials were many Colleen. My nephew was only 31. He had broken his neck two years ago. They put him on Oxycotin in the hospital. But time after time, he couldn't kick it. Rehab did not work, from there he lost a job he loved so much. Off an on he was slipping away from us. Crying alot literally how he failed himself. He said I don't want to live like this. It's not me. He was so ashamed of losing the best job he ever had. He was just starting to grow into a fine fellow. Why do these doctors put people on herion and then expect miracles to cure them of the addiction?

Some people are prone to addiction. He was. Then he lost his girl. His job. His life fell apart. His father had a heart attack. He could not cope. So he overdosed. They saved him, again. Finally, he took alot of cocaine,oxy, and a cocktail of lethal doses and hung himself. I cannot believe no one saw it coming. We all pretended he would be strong for his family, but he wasn't strong anymore. He had started giving away his favorite things. We didn't know that meant anything, for he loved everyone, it didn't matter who you were or what color you were. He loved you. He had charisma. Good looking. Strong body and quite interesting fellow. I loved him too. More than he will ever know. I miss you so Chris. There is so much pain left behind as your Mom is so fragile. So very hurt..why did you leave me a note and not the one who loved you most? Why did you want to hurt her so much? I know, you loved her most. You knew how to press her buttons didn't you? Oh you were such a stink pot that way. You were going to get clean, marry and have kids. I told you you would...I had hope for you.

How cruel life can be, and I pray God be merciful to us all. Have pity. I need it for some reason. I need comfort Lord as only you can give. Help us to be strong. Heal. Understand. Forgive.

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