Members colleen1 Posted March 7, 2010 Members Report Share Posted March 7, 2010 Hello my name is Colleen, on Nov 6th of 09 my brother Sean took his life. He hung himself from a tree. 40 years old with a beautiful 10 year old daughter. Since the day.....the news ..........devastated my way of life ,I have been trying so hard to keep my head above water, to keep myself afloat. With the pain of not understanding, the torment of so many questions regarding why? It has been the hardest thing i have ever endured.I live 600 miles away with my 2 daughters from any family and zero support system how do you cope this way? ....Ive tried to paint on a happy face and move on about my business as the functioning individual I was before this came crashing down on me. But it just seemed that one thing after the next, life started to shatter more and more . Two weeks following Seans death my aunt passed away in surgery, a few weeks after that my husband cheated on me while we were home spending Christmas with my family and i was with my mother goin through my dead brothers things, A cpl weeks later i found out my daughter, my 14 year old beautiful little girl, tried to kill herself and was also cutting herself to numb the pain. 3 weeks later i filed for divorce as i found myself in the emotionally empty relationship that i blinded myself to until i couldn't help but need someone desperately and he didnt have the time for me and did nothing but continuously cause me more heart ache and pain. Than to top it all off i lost my job due to my inability to fuction through all the pain.The following is a small part of the only outlet i have had in the past 4 months, the poetry that has been my best friend and way to vent my emotions.I began writing my journal as a way of supplying myself with home made therapy.and felt as i went on with it, that it could offer some insight to those who have walked through the footsteps of surviving the death of a loved one. and possibly assist someone feeling the way sean felt in seeing the long term damage there decision has one the ones they lovethis is the link ,it is a face book group that is open to any one on face bookTHE SUICIDE JOURNALS The pain and pleasure of life loved and lostby Colleen rowleyhttp://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=312047513190&ref=mf#!/group.php?gid=312047513190Colleen Rowley Parent THE CREMATED REMAINSof a part of mesits on my dresser inanimatelyit has no voice no arms to holdit has no wisdom nothing foretold...just the ashes of a part of my heartsomeone whose been there from the very starthis eyes still stare at me his smile still shinesbut a hole exists at thiis moment in timewondering when the pain will subsideas it comes and goes with the force of the tidesno more memories to makeno more of his time to take.no more wondering how he is doingas the blues of his deathhave left me in ruinsfamily broken down into fractionat the hand of his selfish actionsand brother and sister left with out a brothera mother left with a pain that can smothera father left in the pain of not helpinghis little boy in his moment of copinga wife tormented by the sickness of his minda daughter left to wonder why?step daughter cousins nieces and nephewsall left in a state of confusionfriends from the pastfriends from the presentfriends left with there own heartache and resentmentfriends that were more than that friends that were like familyhave been damaged so painfully sadlydo you ever get past a suicide deathdo you ever manage to heal with a bandage?i put you in a heart around my neckkeeping you closer than you would ever let.it is now that i feel you more than in years pastnow that your gone your time went to fast.It is a hard thing to grasp the thought of not being able to understand yourself ,the thought of never feeling good enough to the point that is paralyzes you in your life when it gets overwhelming. My feeling is that is what sean suffered.==============================================================understandingDon't ever assume you understand someone Else's actions, for the only understanding one can have of someone Else's experiences, is the understanding of them through through ur own personal journey {someone else experiences do not belong to you and they are all unique},there for when u feel u have understanding??? , STOP AND THINK, am i understanding this persons experience from the perspective in which THEY LIVED THEM???? , or am i understanding what there saying in relation to my life and my experiences the only thing u find in the assumption of understanding is misunderstanding========================================I sit alone At 3 am writing this ...thinking of the times we shared;all the memories we have;makes this so hard to bare.thinking of the father you were;and just how many hearts that cared.Sean, just a few moments to say goodbyeAs my heart, body and eyes do cry.Trying to look through this kaleidoscope of emotionTrying to handle an cope with this moment.Letting go of you............Is SO PAINFUL, because i LOVE YOU SO MUCHThat feeling these feelingsis leaving me crushed.You are my big brotherNO one can EVER take your place!When I close my eyes all I see is your face!Sean the time is ticking just one more minute to say goodbyeOne more minute to tell you how I feelOne minute SEANif your hear an your attention I could steal!I wish forOne more minute to hold you tightOne more minute to look in your eyesand beg and tell you together we can win this fightOne more minuteJust One more dayOne more memory to makeAs I'd reach out and your hand i would take.there is nothing i can do even if i praybut in my heart im still begging you to stay!I understand I get itYour body is gone nowBut you live in my heartthere was never a second you weren't there from the startin my everyday your memory wont partEvery second I hold on toEvery memory is preciousEvery smileEvery laughter you sharedwas nothing short of contagiousBut....I guess ..... your fight is overYOUR pain is goneYou’re up there singingyour favorite Neon Bach songI think of you with a heart that’s fullI think of you with no ill willI thank God for giving you to meAnd I thank god for setting your pain freeI thank god and I prayThat he is holding your tightAnd you are basking in the love of a beautiful new light.============================================todayi walk and i wonder how could it bethat tomorrow will come and i will be freei will wander the street of this confused mindi will make good decisions and have a clear mindnothing ever will break meit may have fractured its truei just need to look forward and lean on youmy prayers will be saidand i will be strong in my faiththat god has a plan andand in his arms sean is safeill smile and remember all f the movies that play in my mindand hold you dear every moment in timeto move and heal is not a rejectionnot in anyway is a careless reflectionjust the road i have to takenot in any way a mistakeso i breath in a sigh of releifas i let go of some of this heavy grieffor your soul is one that danced in the sunand your smile and i are forever onei love you==========================================painI feel beat up and twisted,flipped and beaten upside down,hurting deep inside my soul,crying and tired of this never ending fal,lworking hard to hold it together,wondering why i have to weather the weather.one thing runs over me after the next,I feel like im stuck in this tidal wave of stress.one more trial to pass the test,i have had it im finished cant take any more,im tired of of the way gods knockin at my door,dead brother dead aunt,intimate relationship scard and bent,my babies hurting suffering inside,i sit and i watch her in pain as she cries,hold my hands out to hold her,love her with a heart that is damaged,don't know how to help her dont know how to manage,sickness sets in my body is hurting,work is fed up that there is no learning,damaged and broken withered and misfit,dont know what to do don't know how to fix it.turning to god my faith is challenged,but im still trying to find a peaceful balance,============================================This is how i think Sean felt i wrote this poem a long time ago."WINGSOH LORD work with metoss me a boneI looked in that direction and still found no homeI reached out my hand and offered my soulWining for me wasn't a goalI just wanna be happystop running from lifeYA know make a commitmentWithout having to fight!I wanna wake up to some sunshine and bewhere I wanna beWanna have someone im in love with laying next to meI wanna smile and shine when I look at her faceI wanna be happy knowing she wants me to share in her spaceI wanna find joy in the simplest of thingsI wanna be that bird that flies when heSpreads his wings==========================================MEMORIES OF YOUMonday, November 23, 2009 9:20 PMat the earliest of agewhen we were both very smalland I couldn't live up to my biggest brotherly goalwhich was to fill in your footstepswalk in your pathbe by your sideweather it is tears or some laughsfunny and mischief, torment and teasethe fun filled memories of you I seizeyou were a father that glowed with a beautiful lightas his little girl Amy was “his world” and his biggest delightyou would gleamed as you would watch herand Know you found the love of your lifeSean my big brotherI adored you so much,wanted to be like you strong and tough,feel the energy that you would exuded when u would walk in a roomand flash that Irish smile and make the girls swoonmany years had passed and distance had occurredbut my affection for you never would swervethan I found you feeling lost and alone, feeling like you had no homeI said your coming home with meand you looked at me like you got stung by a bee.I said with confusionSeanI love you I, want to be here and he started to cryand i could see the pain & fears he couldn’t hidewe lived together & worked together every day for a year,24 -7 with his little sister was probably one of his fearsbut day by day i watched as he healedand smiled that sunshine again and began to feeland God I love you Sean. That didn’t end with your lifeyour spirit and soul have taken flight& every min we shared, every tear that fell, every trick you playedthat made me laugh like hell Id do it all again even with the same finale because you were my brother my blood and a RowleyEverything about you was a treasure and a giftthrough your life so many hearts you did liftand my heart holds you with the deepest of care.And i know for a fact that around me your still therelove you brother=========================================================------------------------------------------------------------tomorrowtomorrow is just another daytodays worries will be far awaywhat haunts you in the here and nowtomorrow will take second railwhat we have to understand is that time will never hold out handso when u think you have the timethink back to when u read this rhymeand remember how colleen told youlive your life to your heart true-------------------------------------------------swimmingbeen thinking about relationshipsabout peopleabout missed opportunitiesabout living your life and getting to the endand not wanting to sayi wish wish wishi would of done that and i would of done thisand dreams and desires float on byas you never look your true potential in the eyeand ya settleand ya trudge alongsinging the same old boring songwondering when your ship will come inas the days and the months and the years do you inhow often we have a hold of something we wantand we let go of it for fear of what ????living your life feeling trapped between wallsand you listen and hear as your happiness callsand it drifts and it driftsfurther and further into this emptinesstill your sweet sounds of happiness aren't anymore happythe echo becomes this shallow sad teara memory that causes your heart to fearand again and again you wish and you wonderwhat might of beenhad u jumped in the waterand went for that swim------------------------------------------------------------------------WTFexplain this to mewhat were u thinkinghittin the bottle a little to much drinkingthe pain was intensethe turmoil to muchthe life u were leading just wasn't enough?so here we LIVE with this memory of u.Dealing with this nightmarish imageis what i have left to do.when i close my eyes what it is i seeisnt my brother it's that f***in treethank you sean,thanks for the memoriesthanks big brotherfor takin such good care of me.I had a ruff time that day as you can see===========================================February 19 at 1:15pm · Delete PostColleen Rowley Parent It isnt easy to be here it isnt easy to share it isnt easy to relive these memories that better qualify as nightmaresit isnt easy to undersatnd that he lived a life with out a planit isnt easy to ask the questions whyit is easier to just sit back and feel the pain and cryit isnt easy to let go it isnt easy to hold onit isnt easy to accept that you are goneit isnt easy to reach for something positiveit isnt easy to live like thisit isnt easy to find the good in the loos of your brotherhoodit isnt easy to try to feel that under the painis a positive message that will reignit isnt easy to say good byeand it still hurts when i look to the skyand what i have left is the question WHY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators Kelly Posted August 8, 2010 Administrators Report Share Posted August 8, 2010 Dear Members,We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden, but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sallyma Posted September 13, 2011 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Dear friend,I am deeply sorry for what you are enduring so far away. I know, that's what I am going through too so far from home. Yet I cannot know how you feel it is in your own heart. Just as my pain is mine. Not having family nearby or someone who really doescare about you is tough. In a strange town where people are just nosy, no one really knows you. Yet your family does, and they know what we feel. Just keeping in touch helps, but the pain slowly lifts day by day. I am trying to imagine him in heaven but its tough. People say it was God's Will. Maybe, but still. My nephew was close in age to my son. We were close. I don't know why he did what he did. I wish there was something I could have done. Anything. Again, I see your pain and trials were many Colleen. My nephew was only 31. He had broken his neck two years ago. They put him on Oxycotin in the hospital. But time after time, he couldn't kick it. Rehab did not work, from there he lost a job he loved so much. Off an on he was slipping away from us. Crying alot literally how he failed himself. He said I don't want to live like this. It's not me. He was so ashamed of losing the best job he ever had. He was just starting to grow into a fine fellow. Why do these doctors put people on herion and then expect miracles to cure them of the addiction?Some people are prone to addiction. He was. Then he lost his girl. His job. His life fell apart. His father had a heart attack. He could not cope. So he overdosed. They saved him, again. Finally, he took alot of cocaine,oxy, and a cocktail of lethal doses and hung himself. I cannot believe no one saw it coming. We all pretended he would be strong for his family, but he wasn't strong anymore. He had started giving away his favorite things. We didn't know that meant anything, for he loved everyone, it didn't matter who you were or what color you were. He loved you. He had charisma. Good looking. Strong body and quite interesting fellow. I loved him too. More than he will ever know. I miss you so Chris. There is so much pain left behind as your Mom is so fragile. So very hurt..why did you leave me a note and not the one who loved you most? Why did you want to hurt her so much? I know, you loved her most. You knew how to press her buttons didn't you? Oh you were such a stink pot that way. You were going to get clean, marry and have kids. I told you you would...I had hope for you.How cruel life can be, and I pray God be merciful to us all. Have pity. I need it for some reason. I need comfort Lord as only you can give. Help us to be strong. Heal. Understand. Forgive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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