Missing my other half

[llyoder]

On August 20, 2016 my life changed forever.  Just like almost everyone on here such is the case.  I came down stairs on a Saturday morning and found my husband dead on the kitchen floor.  I have the guilt of wishing I had slept in my own bed  (I was sleeping in another room with my granddaughter)  I  would have realized he didn't come to bed, or when I got up at three in the morning to go to the bathroom why didn't I come down to get a drink like I usually did.  I am mad at him for not taking better care of himself and for leaving me here to deal with the house and garden etc.  Our kids are grown and we have three beautiful grand daughters.  We both have large families so I have a wonderful support system with family and friends, but my other half is missing.  We were married for 32 years, but have been together for 37 years.  I did pretty well up until about three weeks ago.  Not sure why now, but I am having a hard time getting motivated to go anywhere or do anything.  That is when I decided it might be time to talk to other people who are going through the same thing.  I have read a couple of books, but they don't really tell me anything that I didn't already know.

In November one of my sons (both of my sons are sheriffs deputies) went into a burning house to try to save four little girls.  On his third attempt into the house he lost consciousness and another officer pulled him out of the house.  He was not breathing.  While being pulled out of the house he saw his dad standing on the porch watching him and giving him a look like get up tough guy (He always had a look when one of the kids were hurt)  I tried to find comfort in knowing that he was there watching over our kids.  It worked for awhile.

Has anyone went to a grief support group.  Wondering if this will help at all.

 

[fzald]

llyoder,

I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. You're right, everyone on this forum has lost a very special person to death, a good number of us lost them in a sudden, unexpected way.

Your story of your son seeing your husband is very, very inspirational. It's something we hear about in movies or books but we don't hear as often in the real world. I'm sure it must be at least a tiny, tiny bit of comfort to feel like your husband is watching over you and your family. Of course, this doesn't ease the pain, I know this. I know how you feel, like that nothing short of having him back can make it better.

They say that grieving is a necessary, hard process. Sometimes people are able to delay it, by "keeping busy" or actively trying not to think about the loss, but this never works long term. Eventually, you are forced to face your feelings head-on. It sounds like you're starting now to reach that point where any sort of delaying or pushing it back won't work anymore. You will feel some very strong emotions. You'll cry. You'll yearn for him to return. You'll wonder if you're living in reality. You'll ask why. You'll wonder why the world had to be so cruel. And yes, you will feel angry.

I haven't yet found a local grief counselor or support group, I'm not even sure we have one, but I have been spending time with my friends and family and also posting on this board a lot. It does help to talk about your feelings, and that's what I invite you to do here - talk. Say whatever is on your mind. We will not judge you. 

I lost my girlfriend to a sudden brain hemorrhage only two weeks ago. The last time I saw her in person was only three weeks ago, and the last words she said to me were "See you next weekend!" and a hug and kiss, as she was leaving for a short family trip. When I heard she had been admitted to the hospital for a serious emergency, my world stopped. For a few days, while she clung to life but was in a coma, I prayed and wished and hoped harder than I ever have that she would make it. She eventually passed away about five days after being admitted. Since then, my world has been empty, colorless, sad, meaningless. I can't even wake up in the morning without wanting to just go back to sleep. I sometimes wish I could just join her in that great afterworld, where apparently everything is happy. I don't want to be here on this planet without her. 

Anything you feel is normal. Please talk to us. We're listening. 

*hugs*

[Francine]

llyoder,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I too lost my husband, and best friend of nearly 45 years and the pain is still unbearable.  My heart aches  like it was just yesterday.  The only thing worse than having him and losing him, would be to never have had him at all.

Thank God for the time and love you shared with your husband;  not just the memories which are yours forever, but the children you had; the ways he helped you grow and, and, and … I hope counting your blessings will help you; Counting the losses might cripple you.

Yours sound like a true marriage filled with love; the best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what you appeared to have had.

Death is simply a shedding of the physical body, like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and be able to grow.   We are forever connected to the people we love - that will never change. The relationship still exists, just in a different form. The physical separation is momentary, the love connection is forever.  When you are hurting look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. A goodbye isn't painful unless you're never going to say hello again.  Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall and count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. Words won't wipe away your tears, hugs won't ease your pain; hold on to your memories; they will always be and no one can ever take them away.   This life is but one step in a much greater journey.  When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know.

 I send you my prayers and wish you strength and peace. Your spouse is alive, as is the love between you.  Tenderly, may time heal your sorrow, gently, may friends ease your pain; softly, may peace replace your heartache and may warm memories of your husband remain.  Life is the greatest gift that God has given us; death is only a bridge towards eternal life with God.    Know that heaven is rejoicing for another soul has finally reached its true home.

I've tried grief counseling, both group as well as one-on-one.  For me, they are both great. 

I hope you know that God has a purpose for you for all of us.  In Jeremiah 29:11 it states, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." .  Nothing we go through is a surprise to Him. He is always there to give you peace and strength, and to bring people (like this website) in your life to help you get through this difficult time.   God Bless us All!

[KayC]

16 hours ago, llyoder said:

On August 20, 2016 my life changed forever.  Just like almost everyone on here such is the case.  I came down stairs on a Saturday morning and found my husband dead on the kitchen floor.  I have the guilt of wishing I had slept in my own bed  (I was sleeping in another room with my granddaughter)  I  would have realized he didn't come to bed, or when I got up at three in the morning to go to the bathroom why didn't I come down to get a drink like I usually did.  I am mad at him for not taking better care of himself and for leaving me here to deal with the house and garden etc.  Our kids are grown and we have three beautiful grand daughters.  We both have large families so I have a wonderful support system with family and friends, but my other half is missing.  We were married for 32 years, but have been together for 37 years.  I did pretty well up until about three weeks ago.  Not sure why now, but I am having a hard time getting motivated to go anywhere or do anything.  That is when I decided it might be time to talk to other people who are going through the same thing.  I have read a couple of books, but they don't really tell me anything that I didn't already know.

In November one of my sons (both of my sons are sheriffs deputies) went into a burning house to try to save four little girls.  On his third attempt into the house he lost consciousness and another officer pulled him out of the house.  He was not breathing.  While being pulled out of the house he saw his dad standing on the porch watching him and giving him a look like get up tough guy (He always had a look when one of the kids were hurt)  I tried to find comfort in knowing that he was there watching over our kids.  It worked for awhile.

Has anyone went to a grief support group.  Wondering if this will help at all.

 

I started a grief support group at my church, I've gotten positive feedback from them so I guess it's helping them.  There's never been one in our town before (rural area).
They vary a lot and they aren't for everyone, but here's a link that gives thoughts to ponder about what to look for:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

A Grief Counselor can be of great help...
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

I am very sorry for your loss, Six months out is one of the hardest times and that's where you're at, I guess because the shock has worn off, people have gone back to their lives and left you with what is left of yours, and reality has set in, a hard bit to chew.  I'm glad your husband was there for your son, it gave him strength to get up so he wouldn't give in.

Welcome to this site, it's helpful to know you aren't alone in going through this and that there are others that understand and get it...we definitely do.

[KMB]

llyoder---This is so very darn hard, isn't it? I am sorry for your loss. You lost your beloved husband the same day as I did. He must have gotten up during the night for the bathroom and I found him in the morning. Sudden cardiac arrest. I was assured he had not been laying there suffering. It was quick and painless. God, I so needed to hear those words even though I was in shock. I went through the burden of guilt, the what ifs and the should haves. I have finally come away with the acceptance that things went according to how they were meant to. My husband was diabetic. He had quad bypass surgery, but his heart had been damaged before that. Congestive heart failure was the diagnosis sometime after the surgery. We knew what we were living with. I really had myself convinced we would have a few more years together. Reality sure slapped me in the face.

You have a big support system around you. You are blessed. I joined a grief support group that meets once a month. The information papers given out has nothing different from what I already know from reading grief books or articles on the internet. It does help in that I do get away from the house and interact with others who understand.  I would recommend that you at least try a support group or a grief therapist. We are on the same grief journey, but it is individualized according to our needs. 6 months in and I am at the phase where acknowledgement and acceptance kicks hard. We want to fight it, but it is impossible. No motivation to do anything. Even the basics of living is draining. Emotionally and mentally, we are exhausted. All we can do is breathe, take it one day at a time.

Thanks for sharing what happened with your son. His father was surely looking out for him.His spirit lives on and it is a comfort to know that love never dies. We are being watched over and protected. Prayers of comfort to you. This is a great forum with many friends who share and give each comfort and encouragement. It has become my lifeline because I am struggling through on my own. I hope this will become your safe place also.

[His Monkey]

Regrets...mine is not leaving work and going to the hospital to spend what ended up being my fiancé's last lucid hours before he was intubated and on a ventilator.  His friend was with him, but nobody told me how serious it was. I expected to see his smiling face sitting up in his hospital bed, wondering when he'd get out of there and go home. He died a week later, never having regained consciousness.

Please don't torture yourself with those, although I know it's so hard not to let yourself go there. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. 

[KayC]

His Monkey,

I was away at my sisters' reunion when my husband went into the hospital with a heart attack.  He wouldn't let the doctor notify me, didn't want to "ruin my weekend".  ???!

When I did learn about it my sister wouldn't drive me there because she wanted to gamble.  Who does that!  By the time I got to the hospital two days later, there were people in the room, then they moved him to a different room, when they let me back in he was asleep...he woke up having a heart attack.  They booted me out and locked the door.  I never saw him alive again, I didn't get to be with him as he passed, I didn't get to tell him I love him and how much our life together meant to me, I didn't get to tell him I'd be okay (okay, I'd lie just this once to relieve his mind).

I think we all have regrets, but one thing I don't regret is one moment of our life that we spent together.  He was the best husband in the world.