I Miss My Wife's Smell!

[olemisfit]

I know that this title sounds really weird, but it is part of my  situation. My wife passed on new year's day of last year. I'm just beginning my 2nd year without her. I cought myself doing something a couple of days ago in Walmart that made me feel like a lecherous old coot. Thank goodness the lady that i did this to didn't notice me doing it. I would likely still be sitting in jail if she had. I didn't do it on purpose. It just happened. She had on a nice smelling cologne that was really similar to what my wife used to use. I cought myself sticking my nose up into the air like a dog would do, just to enjoy that aroma. My year 2 isn't starting out like it's gonna be any easier on me than last year was. I miss the physicality of my wife being here. Just her physical presence. Hearing her voice. Saying something funny and then enjoying her spontaneous belly laugh. She had such an enjoyable laugh. I don't know how may times in our 41 years that i would say something funny just so i could hear her laughter. Nothing made me feel better than to see her happy. Being able to reach over and hold her hand while we were watching tv. Or her grabbing mine. We always enjoyed each other's company and companionship so awfully much. And now knowing that i will never EVER have any of those pleasures again is devastating me. I don't spend any time angry any more. Not much anyhow. I don't feel anger toward God anymore, but there were times last year that I really gave Him a few good tongue lashings. My faith was really tested for awhile. Now I just spend more time than i would like feeling sad. Melancholy comes to my mind as an appropriate word that seems to apply. I don't see anything in my future to ease that any. We both outlived our families. We never had children. And her sickliness after we relocated here to south Texas didn't make it possible to cultivate acquaintances into friendships. And I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to search out another significant other. I mean, how do you replace or duplicate perfection? I would constantly play the comparison game, and that wouldn't be fair to either one of us. I don't really like being so completely alone, but being alone with all the wonderful memories does somehow seem like my only good decision. It isn't what i want. But what i want ain't gonna happen. Not until my ticket is punched and she and i can be together forever. I guess this hell on earth i'm going through now is my ticket price to get into heaven. If that's what it is, then all i have to say is...BRING IT ON!!!

Darrel

[KMB]

Darrel---You express your love for your wife so beautifully. What is her name by the way? I am sorry year 2 is not starting any easier. Personally, for me, I don't think it will ever get easier and my husband hasn't been gone quite 6 months. We were inseparable and comfortable together. The way it gets when you have been together for a long time. I stayed in denial about his health conditions. Just went with my own assumptions that he would be here with me for another 2 or 3 years. A man who used to be so strong, active, sometimes that I practically had to run to keep up with him. Then I noticed the past few years that I did not have to run, that I was the one who had to slow down to match my steps to his slow ones. What a shock that was to have to come to terms with so many realizations. I became scared, stressed and frustrated that I was slowly losing the man I gave my heart and soul to. But I sucked it up, kept everything I was feeling buried so he could not see. I stayed strong for him, kept  things light and as cheery as I could manage. So many times over the years I would tell him that if I had a magic wand, that I could wave it over him to make him healthy again.I had just told him that again a few days before he passed. I got my wish, but the hard way. He is perfect and healthy in Heaven and I am here paying that price by our separation. Every day that I get through, it brings me one day closer to our reunion.

Sorry I rambled, Darrel. Your expressive writing of your wife resonated so much with me. If you can make it through a year and into the next, there is hope for me too.

[Zara19]

Hello Darrel and KMB

What heartfelt passages.  Darrel you say "How do you duplicate perfection" - how indeed?  KMB you say you were in denial and thought you had another 2/3 years.  So did I with my husbands CHF. I thought denial made me bad but not so, it means I was scared, stupid maybe, but scared.

Warmest regards

 

[KMB]

Zara19---We were scared, scared of losing the most precious person in our life. We were not stupid. We knew the ins and outs of our husband's CHF. I could see my husband struggling to stay here with me. He was scared too, and neither one us us wanted to burden the other with that fear. I kept hoping that with all the medical advances that something would come along to help him stay here longer. This is so tough being here alone without him.

[olemisfit]

2 hours ago, KMB said:

Darrel---You express your love for your wife so beautifully. What is her name by the way? I am sorry year 2 is not starting any easier. Personally, for me, I don't think it will ever get easier and my husband hasn't been gone quite 6 months. We were inseparable and comfortable together. The way it gets when you have been together for a long time. I stayed in denial about his health conditions. Just went with my own assumptions that he would be here with me for another 2 or 3 years. A man who used to be so strong, active, sometimes that I practically had to run to keep up with him. Then I noticed the past few years that I did not have to run, that I was the one who had to slow down to match my steps to his slow ones. What a shock that was to have to come to terms with so many realizations. I became scared, stressed and frustrated that I was slowly losing the man I gave my heart and soul to. But I sucked it up, kept everything I was feeling buried so he could not see. I stayed strong for him, kept  things light and as cheery as I could manage. So many times over the years I would tell him that if I had a magic wand, that I could wave it over him to make him healthy again.I had just told him that again a few days before he passed. I got my wish, but the hard way. He is perfect and healthy in Heaven and I am here paying that price by our separation. Every day that I get through, it brings me one day closer to our reunion.

Sorry I rambled, Darrel. Your expressive writing of your wife resonated so much with me. If you can make it through a year and into the next, there is hope for me too.

Hi KMB. I get guilt feelings sometimes when i see that i'm starting off onto one of my rambles. I never mean to diminish anyone's else's feelings. I never feel like mine is the only one that matters or any of that sort of selfishness. You asked my wife's name.  Which one do i start with. The name on her birth certificate is Lillian. She never really liked that name. Fortunately her dad hung a nickname on her when she was only a baby that stayed with her all her life (and beyond). Cookie. She was his sweet little cookie. She always liked that name better. Because of a ritual she and i started back in our beginnings, her pet name from me was Snuggles. We would come home from work, and before anything else got done (unless we were busting to go to the bathroom) we would meet on the bed. Fully dressed. It never started with the horizontal waltz. It was our decompression time after a day at work. We would meet in the middle of the king size bed, snuggle up against each other, and just relax. And enjoy each other's presence. We hated being separated from each other, even if it was just to go to work. There were times when it led to the frisky stuff, but not usually. It was just our 'we" time. That's how she became my Snuggles. From that our other ritual got started. EVERY nite ended with the last words out of our mouths before going to sleep were (me) I Love My Snuggles, and (her) And Snuggles Loves You. After i started truckin', the last thing i did after crawling back into the sleeper was to call her and do the same ritual long distance. No matter where i was. Sometimes my bedtime was 9am, sometimes 4pm. It didn't matter. And we never went to sleep mad at each other. We never fought over the big things. A big fight for us was like when i got sloppy and unthoughtful and forgot to put the toilet seat back down. That irritated her, and i got in trouble over that. Those big things that cause wars to get started like the toilet seat. But we always talked it out before bedtime so it never festered overnite. Our happiest years were when we worked jobs together. We operated motels for a number of years. We lived in an apartment on property and never had to leave each other to get to work. We could spend 80 hours a day around each other and never feel suffocated by it. And now i'm totally and completely alone. This is how i'm paying for my ticket into heaven so i'll be able to rejoin her. I'm miserable but the ticket at the other end will make it all worthwhile! Have a wonderful day-somehow. 

Darrel

[KayC]

Once again I responded but do not see my post here.  I tend to move too quickly and when I push "submit reply" sometimes don't wait long enough for it to have a chance to take.  Sorry, Darrel!

I remember when I discovered George's smell gone, I cried!!!  

You and your wife have a great love, I can tell from your posts...as do we.

[KMB]

Darrel,----Lillian is a wonderful name. One of my husband's friends wives has that name. She's a spunky, fun loving lady up in her 70's. Has health problems of course at that age but she lifts my spirits when I visit.

Cookie suits your wife. Reminds me of what we all consider as *home*, if that makes any sense. I get the feeling you were*home* with Cookie.

It is going to be wonderful, that eternal life with our loved ones when it is our turn. The only bright spot to hang onto in this life.

[olemisfit]

12 hours ago, KMB said:

Darrel,----Lillian is a wonderful name. One of my husband's friends wives has that name. She's a spunky, fun loving lady up in her 70's. Has health problems of course at that age but she lifts my spirits when I visit.

Cookie suits your wife. Reminds me of what we all consider as *home*, if that makes any sense. I get the feeling you were*home* with Cookie.

It is going to be wonderful, that eternal life with our loved ones when it is our turn. The only bright spot to hang onto in this life.

Cookie's only hang-up with the name Lillian was that she thought it was toooo old fashioned. But you are soooo right on. Cookie fit her like a glove. She was warm and comfortable. Before i had ever even met her I had read or heard (i forget which) that wives didn't like to be told they were "comfortable".  It was too easy for the husband's next step to be that he would begin to take advantage of her. But i did always feel like it was okay to let my hair down and just be myself around her. I was raised in a broken household with very little in the way of a father figure. Just me, a mother, and 2 sisters. So I grew up looking at things from that female point of view. So making certain that i never knowingly took advantage of my wife was a pretty easy frame of mind for me to have. I'm a pisces, and she was a leo. That would usually be like mixing oil and water, but in our case it made for a perfect combination. We found ways to take advantage of each other's strengths and weaknesses. She didn't have any weaknesses. She was perfection. But i certainly had alot of them. I'm about 6'3'' tall, and she was exactly 5' tall. With both of us standing flat footed i could literally rest my chin on the top of her beautiful red head. She was spunky. Fiesty. Quick to get mad with things that didn't suit her. When i was the guilty party the best thing was to just leave her alone to get her "mad spell" out of her system, and then we could have fun with the kissing and making up. The best part of getting her mad was the making up afterwards. Even after the frisky stuff didn't happen any more. That frisky stuff isn't what brought us together nor kept us together. It was just the icing on the cake. Without the cake the icing doesn't mean nearly as much. That's my opinion anyhow.

Darrel

[KMB]

Darrel,  You and Cookie had a great relationship. Your differences complemented each other. I had that with my husband, Ed, also. My growing up years were not good either. My dad passed when I was 5. I missed out on a father figure. Sometimes I think that is partly what drew me to my husband. He was a little older, had been in the air force. He was so smart, so wise when it came to life. I had him  on a pedestal all our years together. He always knew the right decisions to make and taught me many things that hopefully will sustain through the rest of my life.

We miss our partners so much, it is always an ache that will never go away. Cookie is waiting for you --- stay strong and brave.

[olemisfit]

3 hours ago, KMB said:

Darrel,  You and Cookie had a great relationship. Your differences complemented each other. I had that with my husband, Ed, also. My growing up years were not good either. My dad passed when I was 5. I missed out on a father figure. Sometimes I think that is partly what drew me to my husband. He was a little older, had been in the air force. He was so smart, so wise when it came to life. I had him  on a pedestal all our years together. He always knew the right decisions to make and taught me many things that hopefully will sustain through the rest of my life.

We miss our partners so much, it is always an ache that will never go away. Cookie is waiting for you --- stay strong and brave.

Thank you. Knowing that my Cookie is waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge (with all those 4-legged children that were our masters over the years) is really what sustains me now. And if this crap i'm going thru now is payment for my ticket into heaven so i can rejoin her, then it's all more than worth it. FYI...I also was in the Air Force. My time was Jan. 1969-April, 1973. 2 years in Thailand with 2 years at Grand Forks, N.D. in between the 2 Thailand years. Those NoDaks were exceptionally good people, but i hated those winters up there. It ain't even civilized! lol.  -70 degrees was the coldest i experienced up there. Just a balmy spring day, right?  During my years of truckin' i spent a week one nite at International Falls in the middle of winter at a paper mill waiting on a load. You folks up there are made of tougher stuff than this transplanted Okie is.

Darrel

[KMB]

Darrel, You managed to bring me a smile! My husband's air force years were between 1970-1980. Flying was his passion. He crashed his plane in 80 ( walked away from the crash with just a chipped tooth) and it is on the internet. So many times I had to print out the history of his plane so he could give out copies. He was so proud of his military career. In his last years, he was stationed at Minot, ND. He told me stories how brutal and cold the winds were in the flatlands during winters there. I didn't meet him until 1991.

[olemisfit]

Was your husband ever in Southeast Asia during that Vietnam "thang"? Alot of air force was stationed in Thailand then instead of Vietnam itself. Hardly any risk of the bases there being attacked. I was never in harm's way, and i'm always sure i tell people i was in thailand. Those guys that were "in-country" deserve all the praise, etc. Not me. I was only enlisted. I was what the air force called a parachute rigger. Repacked the drag chutes after each landing. And did the periodic repacks of the personal chutes the pilots wore. The first base i was at over there is where the F-105's were at that did alot of the bombing of north vietnam. I did have a couple of chutes used when the pilots were shot down and had to bale out. (One pilot tried his best to have me court martialed when a shroud line gave one of his cheeks a little rope burn cause of the wind current his ejection seat caused while the chute was deploying. I'd probably sstill be at Leavenworth if he'd had his way. Tradition was that the pilot owed the rigger a free bottle of booze of our choice if a chute was used that we repacked. He had lied to his commander about why he wanted to look me up at the shop. I usually just asked for a bottle of Seagrams or something like that. But that time i told him to bring me back the most expensive bottle of cognac in the officer's club package store. I didn't drink it, but it sure felt good taking it from him. His commander made sure he finished out his quota of missions in the plane with the worst maintenance record on the flightline. Karma does exist!)

[KMB]

Unfortunately, my husband never left stateside. He wanted to so badly. He was on standby, close to being deployed, when the halt to the Vietnam War was declared. He had his angst against the Veterans Administration on and off for years. Even though he was legally a Veteran, he was denied benefits. It took many years before he finally located the right person to talk to,who admitted that if you did not leave stateside ,you were not eligible for benefits. ( He was upset as you can well imagine). My husband left his career as a Captain. He went on many training missions here and taught many other flight students.

[olemisfit]

5 minutes ago, KMB said:

Unfortunately, my husband never left stateside. He wanted to so badly. He was on standby, close to being deployed, when the halt to the Vietnam War was declared. He had his angst against the Veterans Administration on and off for years. Even though he was legally a Veteran, he was denied benefits. It took many years before he finally located the right person to talk to,who admitted that if you did not leave stateside ,you were not eligible for benefits. ( He was upset as you can well imagine). My husband left his career as a Captain. He went on many training missions here and taught many other flight students.

What a putrified crock of male bovine excrement!! And the rest of the world wonders why those like us carry around so much anger toward the VA. I use the VA for my healthcare, but it isn't cuz i like'em. It's just cuz the price is right. I'm sorry your husband had all that hastle with them. I've sure had to go a few rounds with them over the years. My twin sister's first husband went thru pilot training at a training base in Okla

[KMB]

The not being eligible for VA benefits due to not leaving stateside is a very little known fact. The truth is not printed anywhere that my husband could find. He put in many phone calls trying to locate someone who finally divulged the truth. This is why he did not want the usual military honors when he passed. He loved flying, loved his career and the many friends he made, but his country screwed him over for the services that he did take part in.

[KayC]

KMB,

I am so sorry.  That is just wrong.

[olemisfit]

Most definitely WRONG!!! There's definitely something wrong with that picture. We can put a traitor in federal prison and pay for his sex change operation, etc. But not give your husband any veteran's benefits. Geez Louise! I hope this isn't an insensitive question that I don't expect an answer to. But if your husband had died in his plane crash, would a military funeral have been denied simply because the plane crashed on American soil? 

What happened to the country that your husband and I---and MANY others---were willing to fight and die for?

Darrel

[KMB]

I don't know the answer to your question posed. I don't know anything about the military policies. I'm thankful he did not die in the crash. I would never had met him and had all those years with him. I do know that the plane he crashed in was put back together. It is on display at Beale Air Force base.

[KMB]

Darrel-----  http://www.blackbirds.net/u2/u2_photo_gallery/u2_pic_pages/56-6714.html

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing the pictures!  I used to work for a place that made military airplane parts (VERY interesting!), everything done to mil spec, so I have a love for that as well.  it was my favorite job, I was the Office Mgr. and Bkpr.  We had the Kevlar, shop, quality control, lab, autoclave, clean room, even a walk in freezer-room!  When you see what all goes into them, it gives you a whole new perspective!

[olemisfit]

Thanks for those photos KMB. I always had alot of respect for those airplane drivers. Did he fly the U-2's? Was he part of area 51? What a shame he got screwed over the way he did. The vets deserve better than they get. In my book he was just as much a vet as if he'd spend his entire time in mortal combat. He took the oath and put the uniform on every day. I took the oath and put the uniform on same as him. He should've gotten the same consideration.  Dirty rotten shame!!!

[KMB]

In those photos, that is the U2 my husband used and crashed in.The last 3 photos of the plane painted black and on display at the base. The last paragraph, Edward Beaumont, is my husband. He wasn't part of area 51. But he knew about it long before the public did.

That is so interesting, KayC that you worked for a parts place. My husband would have enjoyed talking to you and Darrel about the military and the planes. It has flitted through my mind to see if it is possible to be allowed to have some of his ashes spread around that plane. He wasn't allowed flight status after the crash. A cause was never found. He sat desk duty for a while but it did not suit him. He could have flown commercial, but he didn't want to be just a taxi service.His heart was the U2's So, he was honorably discharged. Moved back home and took over his father's log truck driving business.

[olemisfit]

What a dirty rotten shame that he had to leave a career he loved, and pass away with such a bad taste in his mouth from the gov't that he served so HONORABLY all because of where he happened to spend his time (something he had no control over). Some things are just hopelessly fubar situations. I'm so sorry he---and you---had to go thru that anger and humiliation.

[Francine]

21 hours ago, KMB said:

This is why he did not want the usual military honors when he passed. He loved flying, loved his career and the many friends he made, but his country screwed him over for the services that he did take part in.

KMB

That sucks!  It's bizarre how the country he loved and serviced, in the end, didn't service him.