Members nicolegags Posted January 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 I recently just lost my 34 yr old fiancee on Christmas Eve Morning. Im in the medical field and I tried my hardest using CPR before the ambulance was on there way. My 10 year old also experienced seeing his father dead too. The paramedics spent almost an hour trying to revive him but it was too late. Im struggling very much and need feedback and different ways of coping with this trauma. Plz help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sadaf Nazim Posted January 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Nicole I am sorry for your loss. This is the worst thing one can go through. I lost my fiance and my childhood bestfriend to an accident on 13 November 2016. He was only 24. I can say the best way to cope would be to surround yourself with supporting and understanding people. Talk to them about how you feel. When you feel like crying, cry. if it can help you, visit a grief counsellor. This is the toughest thing you will do, but take care of yourself. There are lots of loving people here. They will advise you. I am also new in this journey so this is all I can say. Keep posting . It helps a lot. We all are together in this awful journey. This is only a temporary separation. We will all be reunited with our loved ones soon. Lots of love to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Nicole, Words can be inadequate during this time but I am sorry. Such a tragedy and I can't even imagine what your son is going through. I hope the both of you are getting support from family and friends, seeking out family grief counseling. You did your best in trying to save him so please do not take on the burden of guilt. A lot of us do that and it compounds the grieving. We do the best we can at that time with the knowledge we have and it is all we can do. Just concentrate on breathing. One second, one minute, one day. It is all we are capable of while our bodies and minds are dealing with the shock. You have to be there for your son but remember you need self care also. Do whatever you can that makes you comfortable. I am so sorry that you are on this same journey as the rest of us here. This is a great forum with many people who listen when you need to be heard. We'll offer you whatever comfort we can. Prayers and hugs to you and your son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 27, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Nicole, I am sorry you lost your husband and that your ten year old witnessed it. It's very hard. I think all of us are haunted by memories of the time we lost them and every detail is etched in our brain. We would have done anything to have kept them here with us but we didn't get that option. I hope you will see a professional grief counselor that can help guide you through this, but also continue to come here as it helps to express yourself to those that "get it" and know you're heard and understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted January 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Nicole, You are just over a month into your loss, and I can imagine that a lot of things are hitting you full force right now. At least, I know that for myself, I was in a haze for the first month or so. The month/6-week mark was when the reality that my fiance was gone hit me full force. This time period is going to be one of the hardest points of your first year. I wish that I had really solid advice to give you, but all I can recommend is what I did/should have done: 1. If you are feeling suicidal or completely out of control, it's okay to see a doctor about taking anti-depressants. One of the worst things about our grief is that it is completely overwhelming and all-consuming. There is so much pain that it becomes impossible to know what to do or where to start. Anti-depressants can help by somewhat stabilizing your mood. It won't take the pain or the hurt away, but it can help you to be able to focus on them in a healthy manner. 2. If you have yet to talk to a grief counselor, I suggest you try it. Please note: it must be a grief counselor, not just a normal counselor. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Grief counselors are effective because they are an outside entity that can help you to objectively look at your situation without the emotional involvement of family. Personally, I found it a great relief to be able to talk with someone who wasn't family/friends, who didn't know me or my fiance. I was able to talk about a lot of things that I could have never talked to my friends/family about. 3. If you aren't ready to see a grief counselor/don't want to, make sure that you have a good support network around you. Whether you like it or not, you need people that you can rely on. You will need emotional support as well as support in other areas as well. You will want to push a lot of people away; don't do it! The worst thing you can do for yourself is to isolate yourself. 4. Don't worry about how you are going to handle something a year from now, a month from now, a week from now, etc. I can imagine that it's hard enough to get up most mornings. Live in the moment, take each second as it comes. Count each small thing you do as a victory because it is. 5. Take time when you need it. You are going to have periods of numbness and okayness and then you will have periods of non-stop crying and heart-wrenching pain. When you need a moment to process your emotions, please take it. The last thing you want to do is shove it all down and out of the way. It comes back to bite you in the ass later, and I say that from experience. 6. Most importantly: be kind to yourself and to your child. You all have suffered a traumatic loss and deserve to give yourself a break for the indefinite future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Emeliza Posted January 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 1 minute ago, claribassist13 said: 4. Don't worry about how you are going to handle something a year from now, a month from now, a week from now, etc. All of what Clari said, but especially this. Try your hardest not to think about the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted January 27, 2017 Members Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 nicole-----Clari stated some good points, the priority ones---do not worry, or think about the future. Emeliza is right . I was doing that early on. It made me scared, frantic, to think of going it alone to the point I was having constant anxiety attacks. I take it one day at a time. If I need help with something, I contact someone to help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 28, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted January 28, 2017 19 hours ago, claribassist13 said: Nicole, You are just over a month into your loss, and I can imagine that a lot of things are hitting you full force right now. At least, I know that for myself, I was in a haze for the first month or so. The month/6-week mark was when the reality that my fiance was gone hit me full force. This time period is going to be one of the hardest points of your first year. I wish that I had really solid advice to give you, but all I can recommend is what I did/should have done: 1. If you are feeling suicidal or completely out of control, it's okay to see a doctor about taking anti-depressants. One of the worst things about our grief is that it is completely overwhelming and all-consuming. There is so much pain that it becomes impossible to know what to do or where to start. Anti-depressants can help by somewhat stabilizing your mood. It won't take the pain or the hurt away, but it can help you to be able to focus on them in a healthy manner. 2. If you have yet to talk to a grief counselor, I suggest you try it. Please note: it must be a grief counselor, not just a normal counselor. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Grief counselors are effective because they are an outside entity that can help you to objectively look at your situation without the emotional involvement of family. Personally, I found it a great relief to be able to talk with someone who wasn't family/friends, who didn't know me or my fiance. I was able to talk about a lot of things that I could have never talked to my friends/family about. 3. If you aren't ready to see a grief counselor/don't want to, make sure that you have a good support network around you. Whether you like it or not, you need people that you can rely on. You will need emotional support as well as support in other areas as well. You will want to push a lot of people away; don't do it! The worst thing you can do for yourself is to isolate yourself. 4. Don't worry about how you are going to handle something a year from now, a month from now, a week from now, etc. I can imagine that it's hard enough to get up most mornings. Live in the moment, take each second as it comes. Count each small thing you do as a victory because it is. 5. Take time when you need it. You are going to have periods of numbness and okayness and then you will have periods of non-stop crying and heart-wrenching pain. When you need a moment to process your emotions, please take it. The last thing you want to do is shove it all down and out of the way. It comes back to bite you in the ass later, and I say that from experience. 6. Most importantly: be kind to yourself and to your child. You all have suffered a traumatic loss and deserve to give yourself a break for the indefinite future. GREAT ADVICE!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KC81 Posted February 1, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2017 On 1/27/2017 at 1:31 PM, claribassist13 said: You are just over a month into your loss, and I can imagine that a lot of things are hitting you full force right now. At least, I know that for myself, I was in a haze for the first month or so. The month/6-week mark was when the reality that my fiance was gone hit me full force. This time period is going to be one of the hardest points of your first year. I wish that I had really solid advice to give you, but all I can recommend is what I did/should have done: 1. If you are feeling suicidal or completely out of control, it's okay to see a doctor about taking anti-depressants. One of the worst things about our grief is that it is completely overwhelming and all-consuming. There is so much pain that it becomes impossible to know what to do or where to start. Anti-depressants can help by somewhat stabilizing your mood. It won't take the pain or the hurt away, but it can help you to be able to focus on them in a healthy manner. 2. If you have yet to talk to a grief counselor, I suggest you try it. Please note: it must be a grief counselor, not just a normal counselor. There is a HUGE difference between the two. Grief counselors are effective because they are an outside entity that can help you to objectively look at your situation without the emotional involvement of family. Personally, I found it a great relief to be able to talk with someone who wasn't family/friends, who didn't know me or my fiance. I was able to talk about a lot of things that I could have never talked to my friends/family about. 3. If you aren't ready to see a grief counselor/don't want to, make sure that you have a good support network around you. Whether you like it or not, you need people that you can rely on. You will need emotional support as well as support in other areas as well. You will want to push a lot of people away; don't do it! The worst thing you can do for yourself is to isolate yourself. 4. Don't worry about how you are going to handle something a year from now, a month from now, a week from now, etc. I can imagine that it's hard enough to get up most mornings. Live in the moment, take each second as it comes. Count each small thing you do as a victory because it is. 5. Take time when you need it. You are going to have periods of numbness and okayness and then you will have periods of non-stop crying and heart-wrenching pain. When you need a moment to process your emotions, please take it. The last thing you want to do is shove it all down and out of the way. It comes back to bite you in the ass later, and I say that from experience. 6. Most importantly: be kind to yourself and to your child. You all have suffered a traumatic loss and deserve to give yourself a break for the indefinite future. Wow! What a well written advice! Thank you claribassist13! I'm just about 3 months out and the memories were flooding back last week, the hardest day of my life. Everyone grieves differently, and depending on the nature and expected-ness of the loss, the grieving process is different. In my case, spirituality and gradually establishing a spiritual connection to my wife, turned me from heavy-grief to positive-thinking in the last week. Of course, it might just be me on my "up" swing of the emotional rollercoaster, but I'll take the easier days and make the most out of them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Stonesie Posted February 2, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 2, 2017 Claribassist13 that was excellent, super well written and all so true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted February 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2017 Thank you, everyone! I'm just glad to be able to share what I've learned over the past year. I did not take care of myself very well, and it has come back to haunt me in many ways. I want everyone else to avoid that if possible. Caring for yourself during this time is truly one of the best things you can do for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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