Looking for adult orphans to talk with

[lafayette]

I am having a hard time and need to talk to other adult orphans.

[lafayette]

It's been almost two years since my mother died. My father died almost 20 years ago. I feel like I'm slipping backwards in my grief process. Some days I do just fine, although she's always on my mind, but in the past couple of weeks I'm feeling some of the same symptoms I felt shortly after she died.  I feel guilty that I feel like day 1 of grief after almost two years, because I'm afraid people will think I'm being self indulgent with this and not just getting on with things. I just want to sleep and cry all the time. And most people aren't thinking about it because it happened almost two years ago. It feels brand new lately.

[agnaq111809]

Hello.  I'm not sure if I can be of any help.  But I'm listening.  I lost my mother in November last year, just a little over two months ago.  She was 81.  I am 57. She died of lung cancer, which took her away much much too fast.  I still cry alot for her but not as much as when she first passed away.  But as months go by and seasons change, there'll be some events that are coming that we used to go together to.  I'm not sure how I'll be, but I know that I want to be busy, either with family or with friends.  Yes, I need to be alone too.  At those times, I really cry out loud, into the wind or inside my vehicle.  But I think my mother does not want to see my cry too much.  She would probably say that there are things to do besides crying for her.  As to my father, see I never knew him.  The Arctic Ocean took him and my mother's younger brother away a month before I was born.  Their bodies or skiff were never found.  So I grew up into a griefing family and extended as well.  So when my mother died, about two weeks after, I took in the 'second wave' of griefing for my father, whom I never knew.  My mother/grandmother never really talked about him/younger brother.  I guess it was much too painful.  So I learned not to ask any questions about him.  Yes, I was angry when I turned 30 and 45, to my mother/world/God, why my father was taken away.  When my mom's diagnosis was told to her and me at the hospital, we were both angry.  Why??? I think I expected to always have my mother. Anyway, I'm rambling on a bit here.  I miss my mother so much; but I'm trying to keep busy.  You are not alone in your grief.  I pray for comfort and peace for you.  God Bless you.

[butterfly13]

I understand how you feel.I lost my dad 8yrs.ago and my mom almost 2yrs.ago.They were the best parents,both died in their 50's,way too young,but anytime would have been too soon for me to lose them.I noticed after my mom died that it also brought back all the feelings of missing my dad.I think that I was able to deal with my dads death easier because I at least still had my mom to help me get through it.It is so lonely without parents,I actually envy my friends who still have both or at least one parent still alive.

Don't be so hard on yourself,grief isn't something you can just shut off-if it was only that easy!I have been reading a book called Motherless Daughters,it says that when you lose a parent expect the grief to come and go throughout your life.Any event in your life can bring back the grief as if it was only yesterday that you lost them.I thought I was doing good this past week-no crying,but than while I was driving home from work today the tears came full force.A song,a smell,a certain place,any of these things can trigger it unexpectantly.I miss my mom more than anything!!You aren't alone,I will keep you in my prayers.

[socal2010]

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. I also lost both parents so I know what you mean. My Mom just recently and my Dad years ago, plus I lost a stepdad who was like a Dad to me. So I feel like a triple orphan. I feel like I'm floating without an anchor. I long for the past when my parents were alive. It seems like so long ago.

I sometimes feel like maybe I'm coping well with my Mom's death and then it will all hit me again. The past two or three days have been very hard. I couldn't get out of bed today until noon. I have awful dreams and I wake up feeling the full extent of sadness that I felt when she first passed away. I keep crying for her and asking her to come back. It's just really hard to deal with all this.

So don't feel you're alone at all. People don't understand who haven't lived it. One friend I have told me he thinks I seem to be getting worse because I don't have energy to do many things. People don't understand that there will be phases where it's just awful and phases where maybe you are doing okay. Two years isn't a long time at all so you should just let yourself feel whatever you feel and try not worry about other people. (((hugs)))

[lafayette]

Thank you so much to all of you who took the time to offer encouragement. It means a lot to me!  All of your thoughts are helpful, especially the one about two years not being long at all and that it's normal to feel grief as intense as when the death first happened two years later.

I also feel better knowing others also feel sleepy and have sudden urges to cry very hard, even two years or more after the death.  I am someone who finds it hard to ask friends for help for fear that all of this will be offputting to them if it happens repeatedly. Because they haven't gone through it, after the first few asks to be listened to or cried with they might start to think this is a bit much for so long after the death (2 years).  They might not think that, but I worry they will. And, I feel like everyone has something they want sympathy for and something that has hurt them and wounded them so much, and I don't get crying calls from them about THOSE things all the time, so why should I ask for this in return? It's unequal demands, I guess, is how I look at it. And I don't want to push my friends away by frustrating them with something they might feel like they can't help me with.

But, all I want from them is to witness my grief. Just listen to me talk about it. You don't have to give me empathy, you don't have to fix it (because you can't). Just hear me retell what I witnessed as my mom died. Still, I don't know if that's too much for them, even though they all say they are there for me and want to be called. 

I could go to a therapist (again) and use that person as a witness, but I want a friend to listen to me, someone who knows me and really cares about me and I have a relationship with.

[butterfly13]

I also try not to talk too much about my mom and how much I miss her to my friends.They also say they are there for me,but I don't think they want to constantly hear me and my sob story,so I just hold it all in.Keep coming to this site and talk all you want,we will listen.I have met 2 wonderful friends through this site and would have been so lost if I didn't have them to talk to.They have saved my sanity!!Hugs to you!!!!

[lafayette]

Oh, what a relief. It sounds like you really understand. I was expecting people to tell me to just go ahead and take my friends up on their offers to listen all the time, but I think it's humanly impossible on their parts, not for lack of trying. It's just too foreign for them to comprehend because you can only truly understand it if you've been through it. None of them have.

Thank you all of you. I feel much, much better knowing you're here.

[butterfly13]

Yes,friends can't possibly understand unless they have been through it,even than some can't understand.I remember a woman at my job lost her mom a week beforeI did.We had been friends for awhile,but when I got back to work after my moms death I went to her office and just started crying.She looked at me like I was crazy and said-I'm so sorry,but I wasn't very close to my mom so I'm not having as hard a time as you are.I was extremely close to my mom and lost a best friend too when she died.

[lafayette]

I feel like I've been cast adrift deep down inside. I have a husband and loving friends, so I am not alone, but it still feels awful.  I was at a movie the other night and a character in the movie was using a zippo lighter, something you don't see anymore. My father was a heavy smoker and for my early childhood, that zippo lighter sound that I hadn't heard in decades, took me straight back to my childhood and feelings that my father was right there with me. It made me miss him so, so much, and I started crying in the movie theater. I'm sure all of you have had similar experiences.

[chicagogina]

Hi Lafayette --

I lost my Beloved Mother and Best Friend, with whom I lived my entire life in the house I still currently live in. That was in September of 2007. Each day gets a LITTLE better, but I also miss her TERRIBLY EVERY SINGLE DAY. I lost my Father when I was only 13. Unlike you, I am not married, so I don't even have the comfort of a spouse! My big sisters are wonderful, but busy with their own lives and the people in them. I have INCREDIBLE friends and a GREAT support group at my Church. And, while I TRULY feel I am doing WAY BETTER than I was back in 2007 when Mom died, there are still VERY RAW and VERY LONELY moments. I guess that's normal, whatever "normal" is! So, just know that you are not alone. Most days are OK, but sometimes grief just comes outta nowhere and sucker punches ya in the gut and there's not much you can do about it except accept it and let yourself feel what you feel and be who you are.  Take care ...

Gina

[lafayette]

I just started a group therapy grief workshop last night. I didn't talk much, just listened, and found myself wanting to cry so much just listening to other people's stories, which were so sad.  I couldn't get through telling my story, as they call it, so I passed this first time, which is fine. But I think it tells me how strong the pain still is for me that I feel on the verge of tears a lot, especially at last night's session. They said that all those who are grieving need to find the words to describe how they feel and say out loud those words to someone who will really listen. I really agree with that because I really feel the need to do them.  I think part of the reason the rawness of my grief over my mom is resurfacing right now is the fact that I'm estranged from my family since my mother died and I was very very close to my family. It's a deep division that won't heal for a very long time. So, I feel like I"m dealing with three grief issues simultaneously: no parents now, my mother gone and losing my entire family.

Chicagogina, you described so perfectly how this grief that doesn't grip you every day anymore just rears its ugly head and grabs you in the gut and leaves you helpless. You understand. And I am so very sorry about the death of your dear, sweet mother. I understand. My mother was unique, so beloved by all who knew her, a deep, spiritual, strong, compassionate woman who did what she had to do when she had to do it, but was also a rock for all of us and just a real joy to be around, filled with unending compassion, practicality, wisdom and humility. But she was no doormat, either, and demanded proper behavior from us and wasn't afraid to make us not like her when she forced us as kids to do the right thing (my father was the same way in all respects).  She was near sainthood in my opinion, not in a pollyanna way, but just so much more a developed human being than anyone I knew and anyone most people who knew her knew. It is not by accident that she died on Holy Thursday just a few minutes before the day Jesus died for us. She was not of this world, truly so, and many who know her agree with this. She was Catholic and very religious with a deep faith. I will never forget the look in her eyes and on her face as she lay in her hospice bed at home while the priest gave her her last rites. That's one of those many, many memories I have, like many grievers, of her dying process, the hospital, all kinds of vivid and heartbreaking scenes I play over and over in my mind. I have yet to describe most of them to anyone.

[chicagogina]

Lafayette -

Grief Groups are GREAT!! I was able to take advantage of two of them (1st year and 2nd year support groups) via the Hospice where my sweet Mother passed away in 2007. They were IMMENSELY beneficial and I still get together monthly with one of the ladies I met in my first grief group. She lost her Mother, too, and we go to dinner every month and just talk about how we're doing and what we're feeling. She has become a dear, DEAR friend! I hope you are able to make similar connections as you attend your grief support group.

Our Mothers sound SO similar, as does the way we were both raised. I pray the day comes when we can both look back, thankful for our Mothers and the way we were raised, and smile with happy memories of them and their unconditional love for us. Take care and be good to yourself!

[lafayette]

I spent a lot of time with a dear friend the other night and, for the first time, described some of the memories I have of my mother dying. It was very painful, but I did it. And I feel a little bit better for getting them out and describing them out loud. I learned that you sometimes have to tell your friends what you need - to be listened to, not to hear solutions or fixes or platitudes, just listened to quietly - and they will deliver. This friend just needed to be told what I want; she had no idea.

[chicagogina]

That's how I found it, too -- Most of my friends haven't lost ONE parent yet, let alone BOTH of them! Also, most are married with families and not alone, like I am. Like you, I had to TELL them what I needed from them ... Sometimes just a listening ear and to just LET ME CRY without trying to give any advice!! They were (and still are) VERY cool and appreciated my being able to be frank and honest with them and "wear my heart on my sleeve". I hope when they do lose their loved ones, they will know they can turn to me.

[butterfly13]

I always wonder if the loss of both of my parents would be a little less devastating if I was married and had a family of my own?Friends are great,but unless they are single and have lost both parents I don't think that they can truly understand the loneliness I feel.:?

[lafayette]

I was completely alone when my father died nearly 20 years ago and it was much harder, to be sure, but I was also less mature and experienced and didn't have any battle scars yet. I think not being alone has helped with my mother's death.

[chicagogina]

I imagine it would help a lot to have someone around to talk with, share your feelings, and just get a gentle hug and "I love you" once in a while. Being totally alone TRULY BITES. But, that's the way it is for me right now. So, I figure I can either wallow in it, or make the best of it. I wallowed for a good LONG time -- BELIEVE ME -- And I'm NOT knocking that AT ALL! We ALL need to do things in OUR OWN time and no one else's!! I've just found that, at least for me, the time to move forward has come. So, while I miss my beloved Mother EVERY SINGLE DAY and I KNOW I ALWAYS will, it does me no good to stop my life ... and I know she would not want me to. So, onward I go -- I'm looking at knee replacement surgery this year and then possibly downsizing out of the house Mom and I shared all of my life and moving into a condo. We'll see what 2010 brings!

[lafayette]

I know that focusing back on myself physically since mom died has helped me tremendously physically and psychologically. I am eating right, have lost weight and am exercising roughly 5 days a week and feel good physically. I didn't spend any time on myself when mom was sick and dying, understandably, but now I want to make up for that. It's good you're headed toward looking back at investing time in yourself now. Even just a bit of mild exercise a day helps a whole lot.

[lafayette]

I've started a group grief workshop, and it is helping me realize how much I need to verbalize my feelings of sadness about losing my parents. It's so hard to talk about it beyond crying!

[countrybelle]

I completely agree with this statement. I also do not have siblings and family nearby. I feel lost often and fight depression on a minute by minute basis. I do not know at this moment how to respond to people or befriend them, nor do I really have the desire too. There is a lot of transition in my life, far more than I want to have, and yet I know I am right where God wants me at His mercy. My health is currently not the greatest and I wish I had my dad or mom or grandma around to reassure me that everything will be okay. I am only 30. I am in counseling and that is a huge blessing, but it is very hard to talk with single or married friends who still have their family around or parents alive. I don't think you really understand or appreciate them until they have been taken from you. 

[waterpup]

I lost my Dad 9 years ago and my Mom lost her battle with cancer, March 16th. Orphan, is the first word that came to mind. I never imagined I would be without parents at age 41. Right now I just feel so angry and lost. Everyone keeps telling me thats normal but nothing in my life seems normal anymore. Its like I'm stuck in a vortex and just spinning wildly.  Is this normal? This sucks.

[chicagogina]

Well, here I am, almost 3 years after losing my beloved Mother and Best Friend and I wonder sometimes if I have grown AT ALL! I mean, I KNOW I have ... but then days like this come along and sucker punch me right in the gut and I feel as if I just lost Mom yesterday. Does that ever happen to any of you??

[butterfly13]

It happens to me every day chicagogina!!!!!It will be 2yrs.soon for me since I lost my mom.I can be laughing one minute and crying the next!!I think most people think I'm doing ok,but they don't see me when I have my meltdowns,or when I'm alone in my car and the tears just come without any warning.These past 2yrs.have been very lonely without my mom in my life and my emotions are all over the place.

[vielibre]

'Normal' all right! of course!  the 'normal' abnormality of it does alleviate the pain.

if you need someone to talk to:  marie-agnes (314) 645 0326

Don't isolate yourself. 

Wish you well. 

 

[vielibre]

314 645 0326

adult orphaned for the last 3 years

 

[vielibre]

meant does NOT alleviate the pain

 

[chicagogina]

Thanks, butterfly13. Ah yes ... the car ... one of my fave places to have a meltdown! AMAZING I haven't been in a crash!!! THANKFUL today for friends who came over and took me out for ice cream and a nice visit last night. Feeling MUCH BETTER today. Sometimes the little things like that can make the HUGEST difference in how I feel! Bless you, all.

Also, today would have been the 47th birthday of one of my best friends, Betty. I lost her to cancer the year after I lost my beloved Mother. 2007-2008 were my WORST YEARS EVER!

So, in tribute to both Mom AND Betty ... I leave this post ... and ALL MY LOVE ...

[waterpup]

Wishing everyone a peace filled day. 

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com. 

Kelly Baltzell, MACEO/PresidentBeyond Indigo Family