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How long did it take to return to your jobs and lifes?


hope4u

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how long did it take you after the loss of your children to return to a somewhat normal life...as normal as it can be. i know its not the same but- did you hoard in the house for months, years, days...? are you back to your old job? im looking for info on the extensive grief process. i know everyone is different and I am sorry for everyones loss..i wish i could wave a magic wand for all of you and turn back time for you. my heart breaks.

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That sounded horrible- i am sorry. i didnt mean to say you all just hoarded in your houses and did nothing. my wording needs alot of work. i guess my question is what did you do after ? im concerned about a friend who isnt back out into the world. she has been hoarded in her house for 6 years. im just trying to understand or find someway of helping her out. she tries to get ahead and something will go wrong and she goes right back into the depressed stage...my other friends are just not willing to talk to her anymore because they say she is not helping herself. she is at the point that she states no-one understands and this is the worse pain anyone can have..i get that. im sure it is, i need no convincing. but all her phone calls consist of poor me...i know i cant fix her..but how do i help her?

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[user=42620]hope4u[/user] wrote:

That sounded horrible- i am sorry. i didnt mean to say you all just hoarded in your houses and did nothing. my wording needs alot of work. i guess my question is what did you do after ? im concerned about a friend who isnt back out into the world. she has been hoarded in her house for 6 years. im just trying to understand or find someway of helping her out. she tries to get ahead and something will go wrong and she goes right back into the depressed stage...my other friends are just not willing to talk to her anymore because they say she is not helping herself. she is at the point that she states no-one understands and this is the worse pain anyone can have..i get that. im sure it is, i need no convincing. but all her phone calls consist of poor me...i know i cant fix her..but how do i help her?

The timeframe differs from person to person.  As for not helping herself, I found was the 'old me' who could deal with anything was gone.  I had nothing that I could draw on to 'help' me find my way.  After losing a child we have what is called a 'new normal'.  It may not resemble our old lives, nothing seems to be the same, we are changed forever.

Taking steps to 'get ahead' can be thwarted by a trigger that sends us spiralling back to the 'darkest days'. 

Unless you live this experience first hand it is hard to understand.  Your friend needs help, professional help.  Feeling isolated and alone are part of this journey.  That is why so many post here daily - there is acknowledgment, support, understanding and above all - everyone here gets it.

I wish you well with your friend - it will not be easy.  Trudi

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Hi Hopes4u,

I applaud you searching us out to find help for your friend.  I have a question, and it may seem hard or attacking.  Please know that is not my intention.  It is a serious question.  Does your friend assume her friends really want to know how she is when they ask?

I've learned there are friends I can tell the truth to and then there are friends who don't really want to know.  They can't handle the truth of the pain I'm in.  For those friends, I say things like "I'm hanging in there" or if I'm doing half well, I tell them "I'm doing good"

Yesterday a dear friend said he was glad to see I'm getting on with my life.  My response was, "My daughter hasn't been dead for six months, yet...I'm hardly getting on with my life."

But, on the outside it looks like it because I wear a mask. 

I agree with Trudi, your friend needs professional help.  But, what she also needs are friends who will allow and accept her "self pity."  She needs a friend who will sit with her on her couch and just let her talk about her child.  Who will not feel like they have to fix it if she cries.  She needs a friend who isn't scared of her pain.

It's a lot to ask of a friend.  It will drain you.  Maybe you can only take it in short intervals.........but, your friend lives it constantly.

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just one more thing.

If my life situation would have allowed it, I could have easily "hoarded" in my house and never have left it.  ;)   I could have gone to bed and stayed there for the rest of my physical life. 

And, your question was not offensive.  It didn't sound horrible.  The fact that you've even tried to find an answer to help your friend is admirable.

She may not ever be ready to get into "life" again.  One thing's for sure, she will never get back into her old life.  That life is gone.  That's part of what we grieve.  People want us to snap out of it.  Get over it.  Stop feeling sorry for ourselves.  They don't get it. :(

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Hope for u,

My 16 year-old son died on 6-19-08 from a preventable car accident.

I took 5 weeks off of work.

I went back part time for over a year.

I am now full time.

My life will never be normal again, but I am able to function.

In my opinion, going back to work is the best thing I could have done for myself.  It forces me to think of something else.

Brian was so much more than the day he died.  That is what I want to focus on.

I have a very difficult job, which requires use of my brain on a regular basis.  By going back, I keep those brain-pathways open. 

Just my 2 cents

Colleen

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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I went back to work 3 weeks after my son died. It was hard but being at home looking at his pictures and all the things from his memorial service we so very hard. Work has helped me at least get thru the days that are so dark. At least for a few hours a day I can keep my mind occupied. That is just what I did but everyone is different it has been 9 months this month and the pain is still as strong as it was when it first happened. I dont think it will ever get better I just live with it only have a couple of friends I can really talk to most just dont understand my best friend never had children so she really doesnt get it . I dont blame her for her feelings but just cant talk to her about this

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Dear Newbie

9 months is a blink of an eye with this grief. Be kind to yourself. Drink plenty of water, get sleep and pat yourself on the back that you went back to work. Some do not.

You are doing very well in the grand scheme of things.

I am 2.5 years into the loss of our 16 year old son, Brian in a preventable car crash. I went back to work - after 4.5 weeks off. Then I went 32 hours a week for over a year. Now I am back to full time. Our lives will never be the same, but you are participating in society and that is a great thing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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I went back to work 3 weeks after my son died. It was hard but being at home looking at his pictures and all the things from his memorial service we so very hard. Work has helped me at least get thru the days that are so dark. At least for a few hours a day I can keep my mind occupied. That is just what I did but everyone is different it has been 9 months this month and the pain is still as strong as it was when it first happened. I dont think it will ever get better I just live with it only have a couple of friends I can really talk to most just dont understand my best friend never had children so she really doesnt get it . I dont blame her for her feelings but just cant talk to her about this

Hi Konnie,

I am glad that work has at least helped you get through some of the darkest days. Many people keep themselves busy to keep their minds occupied; some take up hobbies or try new things just to get through. When my brother died in an automobile accident, my mother began to feverishly sew quilts as a way to take her mind off things. Thirty years later, she is an incredible quilt maker who has made probably a hundred quilts for people.

I am so very sorry about your pain. Other members here who have been through this grief journey will be able to help you through. I wish you the warmest of thoughts, and I know we will be here to listen to you. Come back as often as you like. We will be waiting.

Konnie

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I'm going back to work tomorrow. Tomorrow would have been my baby's one month birthday, Friday will mark 4 weeks since she died, and Sunday will be 4 weeks since we buried her. I'm ready to go back to work because I feel like it's what I should do. But honestly, there are days when I feel like I would rather stay in bed than face the day without my daughter in this world and other days I REFUSE to let this completely destroy me and the person I USED to be.

It's hard. I'm scared to go back to normal life. I'm often scared that normal life means forgetting even though I know that's not true. But honestly everything is still fresh for me right now. I'm numb. The hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around is that I'm supposed to have 7-9 more weeks of maternity leave.

There are a lot of fears, uncertainties and emotions involved in getting "back to normal life". There are going to be things along the way that trigger me to slip into a dark place and let the flood gates open but I know that tomorrow is going to come, whether I want it to or not.

I'm terrified of normal life, terrified of going back to work. But I learned a long time ago that fears have to be faced.

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I'm going back to work tomorrow. Tomorrow would have been my baby's one month birthday, Friday will mark 4 weeks since she died, and Sunday will be 4 weeks since we buried her. I'm ready to go back to work because I feel like it's what I should do. But honestly, there are days when I feel like I would rather stay in bed than face the day without my daughter in this world and other days I REFUSE to let this completely destroy me and the person I USED to be.

It's hard. I'm scared to go back to normal life. I'm often scared that normal life means forgetting even though I know that's not true. But honestly everything is still fresh for me right now. I'm numb. The hardest thing for me to wrap my mind around is that I'm supposed to have 7-9 more weeks of maternity leave.

There are a lot of fears, uncertainties and emotions involved in getting "back to normal life". There are going to be things along the way that trigger me to slip into a dark place and let the flood gates open but I know that tomorrow is going to come, whether I want it to or not.

I'm terrified of normal life, terrified of going back to work. But I learned a long time ago that fears have to be faced.

Hi.

I want to offer you my warmest wishes and sincere condolences. You are brave to be going back, and good for you for refusing to let this completely destroy you and the person you used to be. Of course this has changed you. Tragedy and triumph both change us, and I applaud you for facing your fears. You will never forget, ever, even when "normal" life does eventually return. Thank you for coming here and sharing with us.

Please let us know how you are doing.Share more of your story when you are ready. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

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Hi.

I want to offer you my warmest wishes and sincere condolences. You are brave to be going back, and good for you for refusing to let this completely destroy you and the person you used to be. Of course this has changed you. Tragedy and triumph both change us, and I applaud you for facing your fears. You will never forget, ever, even when "normal" life does eventually return. Thank you for coming here and sharing with us.

Please let us know how you are doing.Share more of your story when you are ready. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

Thank you. Work is actually a nice change of pace. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but it makes me feel human again. Of course I've been busy because I've got a months' worth of work to catch up on but hopefully even once I catch up I'll still feel good about returning. I love my co-workers...my boss is one of my best friends. Working in an environment where the people under you, above you and equal to you all genuinely care for you and appreciate you makes it a lot easier to go back and a lot easier to get through the day.

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Thank you. Work is actually a nice change of pace. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it, but it makes me feel human again. Of course I've been busy because I've got a months' worth of work to catch up on but hopefully even once I catch up I'll still feel good about returning. I love my co-workers...my boss is one of my best friends. Working in an environment where the people under you, above you and equal to you all genuinely care for you and appreciate you makes it a lot easier to go back and a lot easier to get through the day.

I lost my daughter on August 9th...and I went back to work the following week...only because sitting here in my house wasn't going to do any good with all of her things around to stare at.......me & my husband then went back to where we are from 2 weeks later for her memorial up there (we were going up there anyway before she got sick..so we figured might as well do it then since we'll be there anyway) .... we stayed a week....and then came back home and I was back to work again a week after we got back.......I think it all depends on the person......yes it's hard as heck......life will never be the same of course.......it's still raw & numb, but I think having my husband here has helped the most....... we did another memorial down here for everyone here, and I have to say...what really disgusted me was about 40-50 people were supposed to come...and let us think they would be there.....about 15 people came.....we had a big hall, tons of food etc.......and I guess that really hurt....all I could think was how dare they..........but it's their loss to miss a bveautiful memorial for my daughter.........those that mattered most were there so what can I say......

Up where we lived before everyone showed up...like 60 people ....it was absolutely beautiful......

So I guess it's whatever you yourself feels is right.....there is no right or wrong...each person deals with things in their own way......no right or wrong.......day by day......

We are going away for 2 weeks to basically relax and absorb everything, since we never really had the chance to do that..........so chin up.......take each day as it comes.........take care of you and you will get through this...doesn't feel like it right now....but you will! I am doing it myself , and believe me.....it is hard but it will happen.......

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I had to retire after the lose of my son Shane last year. But now I wish I would have kept working. I am so lonely. and now more tie to be lonely. Here's a picture of Shanepost-297048-0-19229900-1310081395_thumb.

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I lost my son Toby on April 1st of this year. He was 18, and lost his life in an auto accident. He was attending his first semester of community college and still lived at home, so he was very much a part of our day to day life and daily interactions. I miss him so much.

I took a week off, then I went to work for half days for a week and then took another full week off since it was Spring Break and I have a 15 year old who was off of school. I think going back to work was good for me. It kept my mind focused on something else besides the incredible, heart-crushing loss for a few hours a day. That is not to say that I did not have difficult moments. I went outside sometimes to shed a tear, regroup and then go back to my office. I went in to work those first few weeks with the agreement that if I felt overwhelmed or needed to leave that I could and would do so. I fortunately have a very nice boss and good support system, so it was okay t attempt it and see how I felt. During Spring Break my son and husband and I took a short 3 day trip out of town to get away. That was a good thing to do as well. It got us out of the day to day environment where everything screamed "Where is Toby???!!!" I also went on a business trip about 6 weeks later and was away from home for 3 nights. That was good too I think. Many of my associates were amazed I went through with the trip.

For me, doing things where Toby would not normally have taken part are less grief filled than other things. Toby would not have been a part of my working day, or have accompanied me on a business trip, so those days are a little bit of a respite from the pain that is always in the background. Weekends are difficult still, and going places in town where memories surface is still very hard.

From reading this thread, it is obvious how differently we all deal this. I think it is worthwhile to attempt what you can when you can.....

Cheryl, Toby's Mom Forever

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Sorry about the weird data - my poor attempt to copy an image of my son Toby..... obviously did something wrong!!!!

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