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Tired


zachysmom

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I am just so tired. I don't deserve losing my son. He did nothing wrong to deserve to die so young. He was so smart and just loved life. Nothing bothered him. If he fell he picked himself right back up.

I always tried to be a good person maybe I was wrong it seems like those who are evil always get what they want they don't have their lives ripped apart by having their child die. It's not f*****g fair. What did my son or family do that was so wrong that our son was horrifically ripped from us?

I am also so tired of people who say that my husband shouldn't have been charged and how wrong it was that he was. NO F****n s**t sherlock!!!! Where were you when he was in court. Why weren't you standing outside picketing and raising hell. No you all ran and hid like cowards. Well screw you all. take your pity and go f**k yourselves. You weren't there when we needed you so go slink of and do your dope and screw your wh**es. go hide frome the worthless cops. The cops are sworn to protect and serve but they failed my family. They didn't care when we reported death threats made to us. They were to busy to take the report. We were told to just stay away from them. F**k we lived in the same building. We wanted to so badly move but we are far from rich and didn't have the money.  We even gave the landlord copies of the recording of the death threats and he did nothing.

I am tired of people asking me if I am working. Hell my baby died in my arms. I had his blood all over my hands. I still have my shirt from that horrific night with his blood on it. I have barely been able to grieve. That night I built up walls that yes crack once in awhile but have never fully come down. As fast as they crack I rebuild them. I am at least two people one of which no one really knows. The dead person who died that night. I am just a puppet some jack*ss is pulling strings and making me move not me. I want my baby back. It's not fair

I can never have another child. I never want another child. I want to be with my baby. I fear my husband will leave me since i can't give him another child. and now I will be less of a woman since there will be absolutely no chance i can have another child after my surgery. What guy would not walk away from awoman who can't give them what they want.

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(((((Dear Beth))))

 

I am so very sorry for the pain you are in.  It is good to come here and just type our your disappointment, anger and  profound loss.  I too qustion why at times  and am enraged with the people who could not/would not help.  You are not alone here,  We do understand and can hear you. 

I know you are scheduled for surgery and it is frightening but please talk to your Doctor and Your husband about your fears and concerns.  Your life is very important to all who love you and to all of us here on BI  You are one of the "Indigos"

 Your son Zachy is a precious little angel.  His spirit just lights up the message board everytime I see his picture.  

You are in my thoughts and prayers Please take care and keep sharing here.

Betty Stephen'smom:)

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ZACHYS MOMMY..GOD I HOPE I SPELLED THAT RIGHT...

IM SO SORRY..I FEEL YOUR PAIN SISTER...WE ALMOST BLACK OUT DONT WE FROM OUR PAIN AND OUR MISERY....JUST GIVING UP WOULD BE SO EASY...JUST TO BE WITHT HEM AGAN AND FEEL THEIR BREATH AND SMELL THEIR HAIR..HOLD THEIR HANDS....

SO A BEAUTIFUL LIL BABY BOY I HAVE LOOKED AT HIS PIC MANY TIMES AND STAIRED (SP) AT HIS EYES...SO SWEET SO CUTE AND INNOCENT...

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU..I JUST DONT NO HOW TO HELP YOU I FEEL LIKE IM ON THE SAME SINKING SHIP...AND I ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE VEST...(I DONT NO HOW TO HELP ANYONE CUZ I CANT SEEM TO HELP OR UNDERSTAND THIS **** MYSELF)...

LOVE YOU GIRL...

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Beth, two people is something we all get, the face we have to put on for the daily stuff, and the face that is perpetually sad, the one that shows what we are feeling 24/7. I will ask you to hold on, one day it won't feel like 24/7. It will lighten some, not the loss, but the constant ache.

I feel I have to address what you said referring to what man wouldn't walk away from a woman who can't give him what he wants?

Beth, you are a woman who is a Mom of two Children. You have given birth to two, now your body is saying no more, the doctors are sure of what you need done in surgery. This is not your fault, nor is it a failure on your part. If a man, any man, held that against you, well Beth, I would tell them to get the hell out and quick. Now is this what you are projecting or is this what you have been told or led to believe? I sure hope that your husband would not treat you in this way Beth.

As far as the neighbors and townspeople, I am sorry that they seem fickle and unable to assist. At a time when you needed them they were unable or unwilling to be supportive, and now they may be reaching out, but it feels too late to you. Maybe it is and maybe not, only you can determine if you want to connect to any of these people. I think that many people get scared of us, those of us who lose a Child, as though it is catchy, as though they won't say the right thing. (as thought there was a right thing to say). Maybe now these folks are realizing their lack of help and want to try now. I wish I could change it all for you Beth, but since I cannot, I will go to bed and keep you in my prayers tonight. Nobody should have to go through this, but we do go through it anyway.

My prayers and my heart,

dee

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I hope you got some sleep, Beth.  You, too, Lori.  Keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers.

I have a thought I want to share.  I've heard it said before, from others too, and I've felt it myself...."I haven't been able to grieve right."

This is my thought......

We are grieving.  We're grieving when we have to put a mask on and hide our feelings for a while.  It tears us up in side.  I think that's when I discovered how strong I really am. 

We are grieving when someone asks how we are and we answer, sometimes even with a smile, "hanging in there", when in reality we are free falling into the great abyss.  We've learned that not everyone who asks how we are really wants to know. 

We are grieving when we look our very best, presenting a different picture to the world than the actual visual of what we feel.  Knowing they couldn't handle the truth of our pain....(just as Dee said)

We are grieving with every step we take.  We are painfully aware of our loss as we go on with life on life's terms. 

The pain, the anger, the facade is our grief.  We breath in spite of ourselves. 

And, as Dee said, there are times the breath we take doesn't hurt as bad.  We've learned not to be so surprised when the pain returns, because we know it will.  We also know there are those who will not understand.  That is part of our grief.

You are grieving.  You are honoring your son. 

And, now you've been given another loss to grieve.  Not only have you lost son, you've been told you won't bear another. 

Of course you're mad.  Of course you're scared.  Yell.  Scream.  Throw something.  It's unfair.  No doubt about it.

And, then.  Acceptance.  Breath deep.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Do the next right thing.  Whatever that next right thing might be.  Knowing you are stronger than you ever wanted to be.  Knwoing you will make it one minute at a time.  Knowing you are grieving.

And while it feels like you alone, you are not.

You are not alone!

You are not alone!

You are not alone!

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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We are all good people and none of deserve to lose our children.  I go thru those same emotions everyday and question choices I have made and wondering if God taking Nate from me was my punishment for my wrongs.  I often wonder why God takes the children that are so full of life, ambitious and have so much to offer this world.  I was told that God only takes the best!!  I feel so sorry for your pain.  I hear rumors about my son, his accident.  I try to look past those people you never knew my son and just say they are doing it for attention.  These people never came to support myself or his siblings and it angers me that they talk about him.  People are cruel.  Thru this tragedy with Nate.  I found out who my friends were and I try to look to them for comfort. 

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i understand! it will 5 yrs on april, 23rd that i lost my little girl! she would be 16 this year! i still feel like it was yesterday and no how many antideppressants they give me or therapy i do it still feels so hard!!

katie

 

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.- Facebook and Twitter Integration- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it. - Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible. 

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other. 

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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