Broken

[Noahone]

It has been almost 4 months to the day that I lost my beloved dog Spencer. He suffered IVDD throughout his 10 years with flare ups every few years that would end up going away with meds and bed rest. On August 29th things did not appear to be normal and the usual treatments were not working. His hind end was paralysed due to a ruptured disc and he could not walk normally or go to the bathroom without help. I don't doubt he was in pain although the little guy tried to put on a brave face. The morning of August 30th we spent our last night together cuddled up in my bed... I think he slept, I didn't sleep a wink as I was realising the day I dreaded had finally arrived. At 5:30am he tried to jump off the bed and that sight ripped my heart out. Seeing him suffering like that was beyond unbearable. I called my father crying uncontrollably saying I couldn't do it... I just didn't have the strength. He made me see that it was the right thing, the only thing left I could do for him. I called the animal hospital and said I would be bringing him in shortly. The next hour would be the hardest I have ever endured my entire life. The vet were amazing! They let me say my goodbyes and explained what would be taking place. They took him in the back to put in a catheter. I heard him yelp which sent me over the edge... I couldn't stay. I left the room as quick as I could, went to the receptionist, paid the fees etc. and took off. I walked for what seemed hours home in complete shock. I did my best to hold in my tears as I did not want the people going to work around me seeing me and thinking I was some nut job, When I got home I crawled in bed and sobbed uncontrollably realising he was gone forever.  

To this day I find myself still breaking down. Some days are worse than others but it still feels very raw and my world is empty and quiet in his absence. It was just him and I for his entire 10.5 years. He was my best friend, my companion and I am lost now without him. It's just different levels of distraction that keeps me going day to day. I miss him so much but I do find comfort in knowing how lucky I was to have been his owner. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry you lost your little Spencer, he's very adorable and I can see how alluring he was.  It's very hard to get used to the changes that the loss of one so important to us makes.  It affects every aspect of your being.  Please take good care of yourself.  I lost my husband 11 1/2 years ago and it's the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I've learned much through this journey.  In the beginning, thoughts of him brought me tears and immense pain, but eventually thoughts of him brought me comfort and encouragement.  I think it's just such intense pain in the beginning until we begin to adjust and learn to cope with "life without".  
I began the practice of living in the moment and appreciating fully what is rather than looking only at what isn't.  This helped me fully appreciate the little joys in my life that are here rather than just lament the big joy in my life that is now gone.  This was transforming.  At the end of each day I look over the day and find something in it that was good, I embrace it and am grateful for it.  It might be a sunset or a stranger opening a door for me, or a phone call from a friend.  
I'm sorry for your loss, I know you will always remember him and that bond of love never dies.