So this is what 3 months later looks like.

[GinaN]

Reality has set in. This is it. That sound is the wind pushing up on the front door, not him about to walk through it. He won't be walking through that door again - ever. He was carried out through it and will never return. Happiness, joy, excitement, whatever made this house a home, our hopes and dreams, our plans for a future together.. all went out through that door with him that night.  I won't hear him singing in the shower anymore. No more him showing up with flowers or calling me up after work telling me to get ready because he's taking us out somewhere. My call log used to be mostly calls from him. Not anymore. I used to wake up to the smell of coffee because he made it, even though he didn't drink it. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, sharing a bed, the sort of companionship and comfort  and feeling of safety only a soulmate can provide.. these are things of the past. They are gone forever and it's hard to accept. Everything is different now. The silence is of a different kind than ever before and it's suffocating. The loneliness is overwhelming. My identity has changed. I'm no longer a wife. I'm a widow, a single mom. My kids don't have a father. Birthdays, holidays, graduations, family vacations, our dream home, retirement. My life was stolen from me. I didn't sign up for this ****, and it's not fair. So this is what 3 months looks like. It's a roller-coaster ride. Debilitating sadness, burning anger, intense yearning.. I don't know how I'll go on. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Gina, my heart goes out to you.  You are not alone.  Nothing that I say will help.  I am so sorry that you have to be on this site.  I think I can speak for everyone by saying "welcome." Please feel free to post your thoughts here as much as you want.  You are in good company.  You can say anything you want.

I don't know what you are feeling exactly, but I do have an idea.  Again, I am very sorry for what has led you here.

 

[Sadaf Nazim]

Gina

I am sorry for your loss. The situation that we are all in is really horrible. But we will sail through it together. All of us. Like a family. 

We are here to listen, to be heard, to get it all out when no one else out there would understand. 

Keep posting. Lots of love to you sweetheart. 

[claribassist13]

Gina, 

You are swiftly approaching the fourth month mark, which is one of the hardest parts of the first year for most people. 
Like you've stated, reality is beginning to set in for you. You are going to start noticing every single little thing that is different because he is gone. Every single little thing will hit you in its own way, another reminder of how your life has been irrecoverably altered.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to make sure you are talking with someone. Talk to a friend, a counselor, to anyone else on here. Talking about all of the shitty things you feel is so important to your healing process.
Please keep in touch with us on here. We all are pretty good listeners.    

[HisLioness]

10 hours ago, GinaN said:

Holding hands, hugs, kisses, sharing a bed, the sort of companionship and comfort  and feeling of safety only a soulmate can provide.. these are things of the past. They are gone forever and it's hard to accept.

I can relate to this so much. I would give anything to be able to roll over and snuggle into my husband's chest and feel his arms wrap me in tighter. To feel him kiss my forehead and tell me 'I love you'. This lonliness is unbearable. I can only hope that he is still here, watching me sleep at night and protecting me in ways I can't see. I don't know if it's true but it's the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. 

[Sadaf Nazim]

I would give the whole universe and every drop of my blood.. I would sell myself up and everything that I own.. Just to cuddle him once.. To listen to his heartbeat once.. To run my fingers in his soft hair once.. To put my head in his lap once.. To hold his hand and sleep once...

If not forever... Then just once..

God... I miss him so much.. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, GinaN said:

My life was stolen from me.

I think all of us feel that.  We start over trying to figure out who we are now and what to do with our lives now that it's all altered.  It's a tall order.  I've been working at it for more time than I can count.