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My Fiance Was killed over a year ago and i still cannot cope


Jamesh300

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This is my first post I'm not sure how to open a post. Me and my fiance rosemary had been together since year 8 of secondary school, so 5 and a half years. We met in R.E and it was then that I fell in love with her, I left her a poem every day for 12 days each day with a rose petal with it after the 12 days I let her know who were sending her the poems and I asked her out which she said yes and we had never been apart since. As we got older so 16, 17 we started to travel the world we had been to japan, south pacific islands, Europe, America literally every continent you could think of creating some of the greatest memories of my life my most happiest was the day I proposed to her in Gibraltar she never knew I was going to do it, it was magical you could say, cutting a story short we were going on holiday on the 25/09/2015 I booked a holiday to Dubai and we were flying from manchester airport so we left early in the morning but never expected it to be the day the worst could happen, as were driving through the peak district a drunk driver in a land rover overtook a tractor and ploughed into my fiance's fiesta at 60mph. I never remember mich after that but three months later I woke up in the hospital with two prosthetic hips and a reconstructed pelvis I had not thought anything of it at the time until the news was broken to me that rosemary had dies that fateful day of the 25th. At first I thought people were lying to me I never believed it you could say I was in denial but when her parents showed up to give me a few things that they had received from the police so her engagement ring and the heart pendant we both had got from the south pacific it hit me so hard that moment I died as well. I cried and cried and cried for days the pain was that bad and I'm not talking about the physical pain but my heart was in so much pain I tried to take my own life I had worked out that 32,000mg of paracetamol would have been enough to get it over with quick enough as you can guess I was not successful as it, ha snow been a year but each day does not get easier I still cry myself to sleep every day, I still cry every day when I wake up its just so heart wrenching that i will never hold her, I write this in my diary this morning 

My granddad let me take his car today so all I have done is drive, drive and drive. Been listening to music whilst on my way just kept driving north. with tears running down my face thinking

What if I was driving 
What if I died instead
What if I booked the holiday on a different date 
What if we did not choose that road
What if we left 5 minutes later
What if we left 5 minutes earlier 
What if we were in my car
What if I had never met you 
All these things I think of every day, if any of these had been considered then you may still be here with me today, we may still be together loving one another. This is the problem with a death you never expect you could never plan, prepare, make your self-stronger in time for it, instead it hits you like a ton of bricks dragging you to despair and some quite disparaging points in life. I know I should not say this, I know it may sound selfish but if it was meant to be that you did have to leave early why could I not go with you I cannot bear another day with out you, I miss everything about you. I miss your smell, the sound of your voice, your laugh the touch of your skin, your hair-EVERYTHING but I am also happy that it was you that died that day and not myself, I am happy knowing you never knew such pain and that on your final day, your heart was filled with love and happiness, I'm happy that it is me suffering all of this because I don't know if I could go on knowing that whilst I had died you were the one bearing all the pain I feel with every breath I take, but what hurts the most is all of the what could have been's, what house would we have bought, what kind of family would we have had, how many kids would we have had, and because of one reckless drunk driver we will never know what the rest of our lives had in-store for us.
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, going to be all alone with my thoughts and with no-one to at least cheer me up, You know who you are 1f642.png:) It's also been nice stopping off at a station and sitting there helping a friend, feeling finally useful returning the kindness that I am met with on a daily basis not just taking it as I usually do. I just don't know if I can carry on anymore, it's coming up to Christmas again and whilst I am Jewish so this holiday doesn't mean much to me prior to me dating rosemary it is something that will now always seem so important to me 

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Posted

I'm truly sorry you're having a hard time. I don't have much advise, it's only been 5 weeks since my boyfriend was hit by a car and killed. I'm pregnant with our first child together, due next month. To say life is hard now would be an understatement. All the things you say I can relate to. I like to torture myself by sitting around thinking about all the "what ifs" but at the end of the day none of it brings him back... Its miserable. 

I'm glad you've came here because it is helpful to read posts and know you aren't alone in what you're feeling.  I'm just sorry you had to come here in the first place. Not exactly the forum any if us dreamt of visiting frequently..

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Posted

James,

I'm Tim. I have loved Eileen from the first moment I looked into her eyes. We spent every available moment together. We were together for over three years. Five months after we were married, one night in bed, she rolled over and had a heart attack. She died in my arms.

Hearing you describe your love for Rosemary reminds me of my love for Eileen. I am sorry brother that you are going through this. I am sure everyone's time of healing is different but it took me four-five years to start feeling sane again. One thing I regret is not seeking professional help from a trained person and I'm sure meds would have helped me. It's only been a year since your tragedy. I think it's early yet for you. Be patient with yourself. It takes time for this type of wound to heal. It has been 12 years since my tragedy. I do promise you this James, the pain does heal.

Take care,

Tim

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Posted

I am so sorry for your loss and the devastation of it all.  

Losing my Levi about did me in.  I wanted to join him and there are still many days I do.  Some days all I can do is keep breathing.

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