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I have lung cancer.


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[align=left]I am 18, and found out that i have lung cancer 3 months ago. I'm in limbo at the moment; Family, friends, college?

 There's is no right time to tell them. I'm coping well on my own thus far, no breakdowns or drama, i'm doing everything i can. I think seeing my family distraught would cause me more pain than anything else. I know how excruciatingly helpless i would feel if one of them were in my situation, and i just don't think it is right to put them through that.

My Mum, my Dad, my Nanna, my two brothers? It would absolutely destroy them.

It was during a Theatre rehearsal when i collapsed. When in hospital, they found a lump in my lung, they originally thought that i had Pulmonary fibrosis. It seemed to them like a credible diagnosis because i do a lot of strenuous exercise and it wasn't unheard of, of me over doing it at times.

But after more extensive tests and a biopsy later they told me i have cancer. They consulted other oncologists and i underwent tests again, and they got the same results. They told me it is very rare for a female my age to have lung cancer.

I've been having radiotherapy for the past two months, and my body is over eager on the side effects and been throwing up quite a lot. It isn't something i can hide forever. Especially if radiotherapy has no effect, and i head for more extensive treatment.

Family, friends, college are all asking questions because i've lost a lot of weight, my work is faltering and quite frankly, i look like i'm on deaths door.

I'm worried that college will go absolute flop. If that goes, i know that the cancer will just completely take all of my focus and motivation away. I've been told to stop dancing, that's like telling me not to eat, it's what keeps me going.

Sorry, i am having a right good rant here.

Is it normal to react in this way? I find myself unable to cry, to get angry, or any of the things i would expect. Instead, i'm incredibly robotic about the whole situation. 

I don't think the smile on my face had faltered much from the day i was born, even now, it's unlikely to see me wondering about feeling sorry for myself when i should be.

I find myself thinking about the what if's. What if therapy doesn't work? What if  treatment then fails? What if i am told it is getting worse?

To be honest, i don't think it would change me at all. The only thing that will really kill me is watching my family and friends stumble about trying to achieve the impossible and beating themselves up over it.  It would encourage me to spend the rest of my time trying to make it easier for them if my luck eventually burns out.

So far, everything is telling me not to tell them just yet. Even though many would willingly protest against it. Especially those who have lost someone though illness before. Or mothers and fathers in general for that matter.

But for them to know something that they can not change is cruel. 

To be ablivious and slightly curious is harmless unless it turns out that i (with want of a better word) pop my clogs before having a chance to tell them.

Maybe if i was told that i have no hope of recovering, i would consider telling them more than i would now.






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Hi Nicky,

I don't want to worry you, but i should tell you before hand that i know you/you know me.

It is Andy, your gloriously handsome lecturer at college. Or 'chuckles' as you embarrassingly call me; not the most masculine of names i might add.

Please i don't want to worry you; i will keep this strictly confidential. I have been worried about you for a while, and i want to tell you now, do NOT worry about college.

As your lecturer i can offer you a team of support whilst at college. There is a fantastic support base at college, and they are truly brilliant, they can offer you specialist counselling and can even help with family support. Please, please do not do this on your own.

If you would like me to, i can contact Marie-ann. She is the team leader and she's as mad as a hatter, but she's lovely and i promise you she will help you. 

You are going through a really tuff time right now and no one your age should have to go through this, let alone on your own!

I'm worried incase you are hiding things about your health. You have a knack for smiling a lot, and sweeping you're problems under the carpet. This is why i think you need support and guidance. You NEED to tell your brothers. Knowing your older brother myself, i know he is worried about you to say the least. He hasn't stopped quizzing me for months and has asked me to look out for you. Hence why i turn up miraculously when you have collapsed.

It's no surprise to me that you are unwell. I have been watching the weight drop off you all year, every time i see you, you either have a nose bleed or you're on your back unconscious. I'm starting to become an expert at catching you. Gave me a heart attack when you almost fell down the stairs! 

I will not tell your brother, but i will encourage you 100% to do so. Have you told any of your friends?

As for your work and grades etc... the work you produce is always top of the class. It has faltered slightly  from your usual pristine style,  but you still fall in the top border line and it is no cause for concern whatsoever. Honestly, you continue to astound me. You have a very high expectation of yourself, you need to relax a bit more. And stop worrying about everyone else, you need to put yourself as top priority.

 As your teacher, i can only offer you so much help. I cannot make you better, i don't mind offering you my catching skills, but i won’t be there most of the time and it's getting dangerous. If i hadn't been there and caught you on them stairs it would have been nasty. This is why i think college needs to know about your health, one; so you can have the proper fist aid you need, and two; so you have support and guidance. Please stick to using the lifts from now on, for my peace of mind.

You should have told me ages ago!

Take care,


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You are singularly the most bizarre individual i have ever met. I wouldn't go as far as 'gloriously handsome' though. :D

Enlighten me please, how did you know i would post on this site?

Of all the times you have shocked me, this tops all of them. Including the time i seen you on the news dressed as a women called Doris talking about Philosophical debates.


As wierd as this is, thank you Andy, i really appretiate it. Not the way i'd of wanted to tell you or anyone else i must admit. But by the sounds of things, i wasn't as subtle as i'd of hoped. I'm sorry for all the trouble i've been Andy. And i appretiate your catching skills.

i know i'm worrying about college more than i should be at this time. But you know how stubborn i am of all people, being my teacher. And you know how much i want this.

As for telling my brother, is that really the best idea? Being a philosopher and friend yourself, you know he's not the most subtle reacting homo sapien you could hope for when it comes to family. I'm confused. I don't want to hurt him.

Letting college know seems like a reasonable thing to do, as long as it doesn't stretch to further ears, which could make things a whole lot harder when i haven't told anyone yet.

Thank you Andy.

My Mum rang, she wants her sixth sense radar/tracking abilities back.

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

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