Members Knhedges Posted December 7, 2016 Members Report Posted December 7, 2016 Tomorrow is 5 weeks since my Dylan has been gone. I'm just walking around in a constant fog, trying to find a purpose. I know I have a purpose. I have a 4 year old from a previous marriage and in a month I will have a newborn. But I still feel completely lost, still feel like I have no purpose anymore. I was thinking today how it would be nice to take my daughter to the mall to get her picture made with Santa. I quickly realized I didn't want to go alone, and after running through the small list of friends I have in my head I realized I don't want to go with any of them. I'm not a very social person and I was always looking for ways to get out of social interaction, even before my loss. The only person I want to go with me is Dylan. And it's not even because he's dead and I miss him so much and want nothing more than to be with him. It's because he was the only person I ever wanted to be around, period. So going to the mall with someone is out. I'll have to go alone, just my daughter and I. But that thought makes me lose all motivation to go. I also need to return my internet modem and pay my cable bill, along with going to the store to buy more yarn for the blanket I'm making... But I have NO motivation to even get up off this couch.. I need to shower. It's gross, but I don't care, I haven't been able to bring myself to shower in a week. I hate showering now. I can't stand it. We often showered together and it just hurts so much every time I shower now. I don't know the point of this post. I feel like a horrible mom because before Dylan died I tried to make sure that we were getting out and doing something or another every day I had off work. Even if it was just going to the mall and walking around. I haven't done anything with my daughter since he died. I just can't find the will to. Not to mention going out in public places causes panic attacks for me now... It doesn't help that my mom, who I am now living with, is in a really bitchy mood. I overheard her telling my dad in a hateful tone that my daughter should go to daycare because "at least that way she would be doing things and learning." it stung. Before Dylan died he put a lot of time and effort into teaching Makayla math and how to write all the letters and numbers. He read books every day to her. He treated her as if she were his. I was already struggling with depression before his death. I had to go off my antidepressants (which worked great) when I got pregnant. So while I was laying around depressed trying to get the motivation to get up for the day (I eventually would but it wouldn't be until the afternoon) he was playing with my daughter, keeping her entertained and such. Now, not only am I going through this unthinkable grief that no one in this house seems to understand, but I am still battling that underlying depression. Dylan is the only person who understood. And he's gone. I just want to be able to be a good mother again but how is that ever going to happen if I can't even make myself leave the house unless it's absolutely necessary?
Members KMB Posted December 7, 2016 Members Report Posted December 7, 2016 Knhedges---so sorry about your internal struggles. I understand though, because I am going through similarities. Your loss is very fresh yet, whereas, my loss is just over 3 months and I am totally alone here.The grief we are going through is so unbearable. We just feel so lost and confused because we were forced into a reality that we do not like or understand, a foreign world that does not include the person we lost. Your Dylan was like my husband, the social one, always out there to do things and talk to others. I would go to places with my husband, but rarely went anywhere on my own. My life was so intertwined with his. When he was working, I was content hanging at home and doing the chores and other things so that life ran smoothly so that when he was home, he could just relax and rest. I'll go for days without showering, just like you. I get out once a week to take care of any errands. I have to force myself to do it and if it wasn't for the pets, I don't know where I would be now. I have panic attacks. Sometimes I think I need a grief therapist, but I live in such an isolated area that people like that are not available. I did join a grief support group that meets once a month and it is doable on a 40 mile round trip. Take it one day at a time, soon, you will have your baby who will need you and your daughter needs you also. Your parents need to be more understanding of the grief process, it is different for everyone. You will be a good mother again, I have faith in you. You are a mom, it will all come together for you in time. Your new life purpose will be in raising your children. Hang in there---prayers and hugs going your way.
Moderators KayC Posted December 7, 2016 Moderators Report Posted December 7, 2016 54 minutes ago, Knhedges said: I still feel completely lost, still feel like I have no purpose anymore. That's understandable, because your Dylan was your primary purpose, along with your child, and it is quite an adjustment to losing that purpose. You will develop purpose in life, in addition to raising your children, I think developing purpose took me the longest time in my journey to get through...but it's not the same as my big purpose and joy, my George. If it's painful (mentally) to shower, perhaps you could run a bath instead, something different than before. Sometimes just making a change in the traditions of what we did together helps us get through what we must. Perhaps you could put your daughter in a program around other kids where she'll get the stimulation she needs...it's not so essential that you be the one to provide it as that she get her needs taken care of. I put my kids in a preschool program a couple days a week when they were little so they could be around other kids and learn that other adult authority apart from me, and they loved it! Do not feel guilty, you are doing what you can to get through this. I wish I were there to accompany you and give you a hug!
Members Chasisdope Posted December 8, 2016 Members Report Posted December 8, 2016 I have our three year old daughter and my son from a previous marriage. I have not put up our Christmas tree. I was only able to show her pictures of our Christmas from the year before when her daddy was still here. It's been a month and three weeks almost for me and it gets lonelier and lonelier. But, I have my kids who only know very little of what I'm feeling which is understandable. Now that you have mentioned the Santa pictures, I really think I'm going to bring my kids. I don't think I can come to putting up our tree. It helps to hear the little ones telling me that they love me. My mother lives with me, she helps with daily household work. She does end up saying things that are unacceptable and it did bother me a whole lot but then I learned to just ignore her. If she tells me to do something or suggest something that I don't like, I just get up and do the opposite. That's helped a lot. She's kind of kept some of her opinions to herself now. Though, they are our mother, they'll never know how hard it is for us. My mom gives me this look as if I'm a such a pitiful young gal who is so naive. When she gives me that look, I just glare at her and she looks away. One time, I had to say to her, "Mom, you're not getting any younger and since you and dad divorced, why don't you hurry up and get a man." That was because she said I should just move on, get a new guy and it'll be all better since I'm still young.
Moderators KayC Posted December 8, 2016 Moderators Report Posted December 8, 2016 Could you get a very small tree and let the kids decorate it? It's not about it looking perfect, it's involving them in it. Maybe help them string popcorn, I don't know if the three year old could, but she might be able to do something else, like put tinsel on it, something she could do at her age. It would be their tree. I'm sorry your mom is responding inappropriately to you. She doesn't get it because she hasn't been through it...death is a world of difference from divorce. Our age has nothing to do with the fact we've lost the person we were closest to.
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