Members Heartbroken66 Posted December 4, 2016 Members Report Posted December 4, 2016 I am new to this forum and I wish I wasn't here but I am. I suddenly lost my husband who was 52 years old on August 23, 2016 and I am having a real hard time coping with the loneliness and trying to figure out what is my purpose in life. We were married for 31 years and it would be 32 years in two weeks. When we got married I was 18 and he was 21. We had only dated for one month and eloped and all these years we figured out how to make it work. I love him so much and I really don't want to live this life without him. I know I have to because of my children and grandchildren but I feel like I am only existing. He struggled his whole life with addiction and he was doing so well and the first time back it killed him. I know this is naïve to say but I thought God would protect my family from anymore losses. The reason I say that is because in 2004 I lost my son suddenly in a 4 wheeling accident and it devastated my family. He was only 15 years old when he died and he was a rock in our family. I know people say God will only give you as much as you can handle but I am truly all used up. When I lost my son I started reading the bible and leaned on God for support but with the lose of my husband I feel all alone. I am angry (because of the way he died) I feel like he killed himself. I feel like God is nowhere around. Gary was my best friend we did everything together and now I don't have that anymore. We would talk a lot throughout the day and now I feel like I have really no one. My kids are grown and thankfully my daughter still lives at home because she has not left my side. But I know she has her own life to live and it won't be like that forever, I don't want to hold her back. I am tired of the roller coaster ride, everytime someone see's me they want to talk about it and the flood of tears start. I have tried staying busy but most of the time I don't have the energy for it. All I do is sit at the kitchen table and stare out the front door hoping all of this is a terrible nightmare I need to wake up from. I try and stay out of the mindset that I can be alone for the next 20 or 30 years before I am able to see my husband and son again. It seems like forever to me and only depresses me more. My forever could be tomorrow for all I know because nothing in this life is guaranteed to last. But sometimes one day seems like to long for me.
Members KMB Posted December 4, 2016 Members Report Posted December 4, 2016 I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with, the loss of your son and recently your husband. I'm dealing with the loss of my husband, which was just a few days before your husband. I get lonelier as each day goes by. According to the woman who runs the grief support meeting I go to once a month, I'm at the stage where reality hits even harder and acceptance is coming into play. Whatever words are used for it, it is unbearable. Your husband struggled with addiction for many years and God decided to call him home. Anger is a normal emotion to feel when a loved one leaves us. That will change over time when the realization comes to you that your husband did not leave on purpose. And you're right, God does not give us any more than we can handle, so He must see strength in you that you don't realize you have. We need to keep our faith in God more than ever. Keep praying, for He is there with you. Your husband's spirit is with you as well. Take your time with this journey we are all on. No one in this life is immune from loss, it can happen at any time to anyone. It is part of why we are here, unfortunately. God gives us both joy and sorrow. You have your daughter living with you, take comfort from that gift. Do not think about the future and the years you have left ( I do that too and makes me feel more sad and depressed). One day at a time, which will take one minute, one hour at a time. We will get through this journey together, there are many kind and supportive people here. Keep posting-----prayers and hugs to you.
Members MLG23 Posted December 5, 2016 Members Report Posted December 5, 2016 As someone who has also experienced multiple losses, I completely understand where you are coming from on the religious front. When my father passed I tried to get back to church since I hadn't been due to the unfairness I felt about his illness. But soon I had friends fathers die and friends as well. It caused me to question that religious tie. Now with the loss of my fiancé I find myself deeper in that questioning. A friend of mine brought up the idea of trying out church again, but that he would go with me. Maybe if you mention that to your daughter she could support you either way. I found that just having someone say it is okay to question helped a lot. So I say the same to you, it is okay and perfectly fine to question. Especially when there have been multiple losses. Hope this helps.
Members KMB Posted December 5, 2016 Members Report Posted December 5, 2016 51 minutes ago, MLG23 said: As someone who has also experienced multiple losses, I completely understand where you are coming from on the religious front. When my father passed I tried to get back to church since I hadn't been due to the unfairness I felt about his illness. But soon I had friends fathers die and friends as well. It caused me to question that religious tie. Now with the loss of my fiancé I find myself deeper in that questioning. A friend of mine brought up the idea of trying out church again, but that he would go with me. Maybe if you mention that to your daughter she could support you either way. I found that just having someone say it is okay to question helped a lot. So I say the same to you, it is okay and perfectly fine to question. Especially when there have been multiple losses. Hope this helps. Couldn't be said any better. When our life is going well, we don't question our faith. We don't feel the need to as we think God is blessing our life with constant joy. But God also brings sorrow into our lives, as part of balancing those joys. We are here to learn many lessons before we join God in Heaven for eternal life. It's at these times of loss and sorrow, we need to be extra vigilant in keeping faith in God. He still has a plan for you. Praying for His constant love, care and guidance on the journey of grief on losing a loved one will help to see you through.
Moderators KayC Posted December 5, 2016 Moderators Report Posted December 5, 2016 On 12/4/2016 at 7:15 AM, Heartbroken66 said: I am new to this forum and I wish I wasn't here but I am. I suddenly lost my husband who was 52 years old on August 23, 2016 and I am having a real hard time coping with the loneliness and trying to figure out what is my purpose in life. We were married for 31 years and it would be 32 years in two weeks. When we got married I was 18 and he was 21. We had only dated for one month and eloped and all these years we figured out how to make it work. I love him so much and I really don't want to live this life without him. I know I have to because of my children and grandchildren but I feel like I am only existing. He struggled his whole life with addiction and he was doing so well and the first time back it killed him. I know this is naïve to say but I thought God would protect my family from anymore losses. The reason I say that is because in 2004 I lost my son suddenly in a 4 wheeling accident and it devastated my family. He was only 15 years old when he died and he was a rock in our family. I know people say God will only give you as much as you can handle but I am truly all used up. When I lost my son I started reading the bible and leaned on God for support but with the lose of my husband I feel all alone. I am angry (because of the way he died) I feel like he killed himself. I feel like God is nowhere around. Gary was my best friend we did everything together and now I don't have that anymore. We would talk a lot throughout the day and now I feel like I have really no one. My kids are grown and thankfully my daughter still lives at home because she has not left my side. But I know she has her own life to live and it won't be like that forever, I don't want to hold her back. I am tired of the roller coaster ride, everytime someone see's me they want to talk about it and the flood of tears start. I have tried staying busy but most of the time I don't have the energy for it. All I do is sit at the kitchen table and stare out the front door hoping all of this is a terrible nightmare I need to wake up from. I try and stay out of the mindset that I can be alone for the next 20 or 30 years before I am able to see my husband and son again. It seems like forever to me and only depresses me more. My forever could be tomorrow for all I know because nothing in this life is guaranteed to last. But sometimes one day seems like to long for me. Welcome here, I am very sorry for your loss, not only of your husband, but your son as well. I don't think there's any guarantee/protection against harm or hard places in life, only that God will go through it with us if we let Him. It still hurts. It's common for those going through grief to feel He's deserted us or our prayers are bouncing off the floor of heaven. I felt that way probably the first year, but He never left me. I try to keep in mind that feelings do not equal facts. My husband died when he was barely 51, it was the last thing in the world I expected to happen that weekend. If you don't feel you can handle "talking about it", please tell people that you can't talk about it right now, it's still too fresh. Everyone handles grief differently so they can't know what we need if we don't tell them. It is good not to think about the whole future that lies before us, it's too overwhelming. I learned to take a day at a time, and eleven years later I'm still doing it. I hope I don't live much past 80 but that's not for me to decide. My mom lived 33 years past my dad, but she was older than me when he died, I don't know how she did it except she took a day at a time and her faith carried her through it. One thing that really helped me, and I started doing it just two weeks after my husband died...I found a refrigerator magnet that said, "Find Joy in each new day" and I bought it, it is still up. I began looking over my day to see what was good in it, sometimes I had to think hard, other times it readily came to me, it was small things, seeing an elk or deer in my back yard, spending time with my pets, being with my granddaughter, a stranger letting me merge in traffic or a phone call from a friend, getting a need met, seeing a rainbow or a hummingbird...and I'd be thankful for those things. Practicing this began to change my focus to be more optimistic, more upward. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days or struggles, but I try to look for the good in each day, regardless of whatever else is going on in my life. It's something that takes concerted effort! This whole grief experience can be quite exhausting, so it helps to give ourselves good self-care, patience, understanding, eat something healthy, drink enough water, take a walk. We have to become our own best friend, all the more so since we've lost our other best friend, for now anyway. I'm thankful I have the hope of being with him again someday.
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