Coping with the funeral?

[Ella]

Last week my two eldest boys (19 yrs & 17 yrs) were in a car accident. Both didn't make it to the hospital. 

I barely made it through seeing them in the hospital. Then again organising the funeral. How am I going to make it through the funeral? I'm not even sure if I'm going to come out of this the other side. 

Today, I drove into the high school car park to pick up Max from school like I normally do before I realised he wasn't there. By then, it was too late and I had another flashback to the hospital. Seeing them there. Not breathing. I had my other 2 kids in the car with me. My 10 year old looked at me like I had killed them all over again. 

I have no idea what to do. I am basically shattered. I am not sure I know how to keep breathing let alone, make it through their funeral.

[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX]

Oh Ella ~

words could never say what my heart feels for the loss of two of your sons ~ 

i have lost two sons also ~ but at different times ~

how does one survive the loss of a child ?

i reflect back on each of my losses ~

and honestly I do not know how I survived let alone how I have continued to live 

with the loss of the two sons who loved me in word and deed whom I thought would be a comfort to me 

my whole life.

just know ones HEAR have faced the same thoughts & feelings you have and all that goes with you will face .

we care and are here anytime you need to get your words ect out.

one thing I will say is this ~

right now you are in shock ~

your whole body, soul & spirit are so TRAMATIZED that you are at what I have identified from my experience is " the outa your mind 

with grief ~

all u really have the strength for is ur own survival,,,,,yet u will be & are faced with choices U have to make and even knowing deep down you may be forced into things u do not want but u will not have the strength to fight for yourself...

i hope u have ones who have your best interest in mind.

Rainie

[Tommy's mum]

Ella how tragic I really feel for you and totally understand how you are doubting whether you can go on. It sounds like you have other children too so you are "expected" to be there for them when it is all you can do to get up in the morning. How to support them when you need support yourself? As Rainie says you are traumatised and devastated. The funeral is a terribly distressing day but there is a small measure of peace once it is over because you know you have done everything you could for your sons. Then there is the daily struggle to keep on going. I met with a church vicar before the funeral even though I have no faith or belief in God anymore and he was really helpful. I cried all over him but was able to tell him about my son Tommy so he felt he knew more about him and could personalise his comments about him. The vicar was standing right beside me when I read my eulogy because I wasn't sure I would be able to read through till the end and he was my choice to take over in case i could not do it. I did manage to do it though I don't know how and just writing those words in the days before the funeral was cathartic. i wanted to capture the essence of my Tommy and his short life. My ex also gave a eulogy, my other 3 adult children could not do it which is totally understandable. My kids and I all went seperately to see Tommy at the funeral home and say our goodbyes. i put a rose in his coffin and a long letter from myself saying everything i wanted him to hear and a quote in his hands. It read

" those special memories of you  
will always bring a smile  
if only i could have you back  
for just a little while  
then we could sit and talk again 
just like we used to do  
you always meant so very much  
and always will do too  
the fact that you are no longer here 
will always cause me pain  
but you are forever in my heart  
until we meet again. 

On the day of the funeral I put a large photo of Tommy that I loved on his coffin and when the service was done I took it and carried it out with me because I knew i could not face leaving him behind. That way I left the crematorium with Tommy in my arms and my heart. use your Mum instinct to do what is right for your sons funeral day, whatever feels right for you and your other children, play a favourite song just personalise it for each of your boys. Your sons will always be together but I understand and feel your double pain at losing both of them. I hope the funeral brings you a little bit of peace and when you are able to perhaps you would like to share what you did and what helped you. We are all in this together all grieving parents all desperately sad at losing our child/children and through this forum hope to try and help others.