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Hello. My name is Sam. I'm 16 and today has been the worst day of my life. I don't have a very cliche story when it comes to this. About a year ago, I met a guy through a study site. I fell in love with him instantly. We stood friends for a long time, constantly texting and video chatting. We had a lot in common. We both had rough relationships with our parents. His stepdad was physically abusive, my father verbally abusive. We bonded over many things.


But on October 3, 2016 I made him mine. It was sorta tricky though, because we were 1090 miles apart. I live in PA and he in Florida. We were happy as could be until Thanksgiving. We happily chatted through text while we ate our dinners, but at just about 5 yesterday evening, my life began to fall apart. My boyfriend's stepdad, an extremely horrible person, told him to cut all ties with anyone he couldn't prove he knew in person. That, of course, included me. And to make sure that it stood that way, he installed a tracker app on my boyfriend's phone so he would know if he contacted me. Michael promise me, though. He promised he would try to fight until his 18th birthday, which is March 14, of 2018.


This morning, however I got a text. Michael's stepdad was being extremely cruel to him and without my help to calm him down and support him, Michael gave up his fight. We argued for 15 to 20 minutes. He wanted to commit. I wouldn't let him. He promised me. But alas, Michael's light had faded. He had no hope for our future. He couldn't keep fighting. He wasn't strong enough. With one last I love you and one last apology, Michael decided to take his life. 


I've been sobbing all day. I hardly ate or left my room. Every time I was alone, I burst into yet another puddle of tears. I feel as if someone just cuz my heart open with a knife and stepped back so they could watch me bleed. I don't have the easiest life myself. I suffer from severe depression with the pain seemingly getting worse each day. But Michael would ease that pain, even if just for a moment, and some days he got it to completely stop.


Now, without him in my life, everything seems dark and dim. I don't have much hope for a future now. I don't know how long I'll be able to last. I'm going through an extremely hard time and I just figured if I could talk about it, it would help. It hurts a lot. Michael and I never went more than 24 hours without speaking and now I have to go the rest of my life without him.


I absolutely hate how this makes me feel. But I know in my heart that more than anything I blame myself. I couldn't stop him, I couldn't give him enough strength to fight. I couldn't convince him life was worth living anymore. It's my own fault, it seems


Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read my story...

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OMG, I am so so sorry!  My heart breaks for you and Michael.  His stepdad deserves prison for what he did to Michael. Unfortunately, people do what they know, and this man must be very insecure and uneducated to treat someone precious like that...he does so out of ignorance.  A child's spirit is the most precious thing, to be safeguarded and cared for and his stepdad broke that trust.  I hope you will take with you the learning of how important that spirit is, that those you contact in your life are to be cherished and guarded carefully, to all children you come in contact with, in Michael's memory.

Are you able to talk to your mom?  I hope you will talk to a school counselor.  When my kids' dad left and got a divorce, my kids talked to their school counselor and it helped them have someone neutral and knowledgeable to let their feelings and thoughts out to.  Everyone needs that safe place to go to.  I'm sorry for what you and Michael went through in your homes.  I went through super rough places in my home growing up, my mom was mental and abusive, my dad alcoholic and looking the other way, too weak to stand up for us kids.  But I got through it and took parenting classes to know how to better parent my kids.  It seems like forever until you're an adult and out on your own, away from this, but it'll come.  I'm just so sorry Michael felt he had to end it all.  

I believe with all of my heart that physical death is not all there is, that their spirit lives on somewhere, that we will meet up again, in a better place where sickness and pain does not exist, let alone man's torment.  

Try not to think of "the rest of your life", it's too much to contemplate right now.  Instead just get through this moment, this day, that is enough to think about.  Break it down into bites you can chew, okay?  

Please continue to come here, vent, it helps to get your feelings out and I hope you'll keep in mind that there are people here that understand and care.  We'll be here for you if you let us.

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