Motherless and Fatherless Bride :-(

[nola2atl]

I just don't know where to begin.....I've posted on this site before and it helped me so much when I did. It has been over a year since my last post and since then I have become engaged to a wonderful man that I love with all of my heart. I should be happy..and I am...but my happiness is accompanied with heartbreak. I am in love with an amazing person that loves me to pieces. Yet here I am heartbroken because I must plan a wedding without the presence of my mom and dad. I never ever imagined that neither of them would not be here to witness their only child reach a significant milestone in her life... I feel sad, lonely.....no words can express the emptyness that I feel in my heart. It has been almost 2years since I lost my mother (she passed on New Years Eve of 2007) and in March, it will mark 4 years since I lost my father. I just pray that I can get through these very difficult weeks ahead with the holidays and these next few months until our wedding in April. I pray for all of you out there who are trying to cope with the loss of a loved one.

It seems like the closer our wedding date nears, the more anxiety I feel. Weddings place so much focus on the bride and groom yet what we tend to forget is that planning a wedding is a very special time for mothers and daughters to bond as well. My mother would have LOVED going dress shopping with me and helping me comprise a guest list...picking our flowers and just being with me during a very special and memorable time in my life.  My heart breaks that my mom will never get that opportunity nor will I ever get to see the joy on her face as her daughter walks down the aisle. I was also very close to my dad as well and how can I possibly walk down the aise in April without thinking of his absence by my side.....

 

[socal2010]

First, congratulations on finding a great man in your life. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. It's understandable how you feel. It's hard for me to imagine ANYTHING without my parents let alone something positive like a wedding. Lately I've been thinking that if something makes me feel bad, I'm not going to do it. So maybe the whole idea of a wedding is too much, how about eloping? I don't know, I have no answers I just wanted to send you hugs.

 

[nola2atl]

Thank you so much. I believe my sadness is a culmination of the holidays approaching as well. The very last time I saw and hugged my mom was during Christmas 2 years ago.

As far as the wedding, we decided on a destination wedding, I would not have been able to handle a traditional wedding otherwise. I am happy and in love but hurt as well. My parents were a huge part of my life. When I try to express my hurt to other people, the sadness I see in their eyes and hear in their voice makes me want to keep things to myself....my fiance is wonderful. He tries his best to be supportive. Luckily he is blessed to still have both of his parents, who are both beautiful people as well. It will just take time. Christmas was a special time for me and my parents. It has been difficult these past few years trying to face this new reality. Some days are good, other times they're not. Everything reminds me of them. It hurts the most when I need to ask them for advice and I realize I will never be able to call them or talk to them again the way I used to.  I know I will get through this, it just hasn't been a good month for me. I have so much to look forward to with the man that  I love and that does give me some sort of peace at least. Thank so much for the hugs

[socal2010]

I know exactly what you mean --- the hardest part for me is imaging how I won't be able to talk to my Mom or ask her what she thinks about something for the REST OF MY LIFE. It's such an overwhelming thought to me. She was such a huge part of every decision or dilemma I had. I loved hearing her opinions on things. She was usually right since she was such a good judge of character. Thinking about how I will never get to ask her anything again makes me just feel like laying in bed and not getting up! I keep things to myself too because I'm tired of the pity I get or the people who don't understand. So I only open up to a couple people who I know understand how I feel. To everyone else, I keep somewhat of a wall up.

A destination wedding sounds great. I think you're probably going through the sadder stuff now, then on the actual day it will feel happier. There's so much going on for you right now with the wedding plus the holidays. That's great that you like your in-laws. They will be like parent-figures for you at some point, although obviously not like your parents. I guess that's the hard part for all of us to deal with. We have to accept that our lives will always be different without our parents, yet we are supposed to keep going on and living a good life at the same time. It's very hard. I know that with enough support, we can all do it though. Congrats again!

 

[fkcadl]

Hi nola2alt.

I have just been trying to find some advise and support in regards to coping with losing my dad with my wedding coming up in July, and came across you post.  I read it and weaped.  It was like I was talking to myself...  Im very sorry to hear about your loss and pain and although I have lost a father, I cannot imagine what its like to also loose a mother.  the very thought is unbearable.

Although my dad will be gone 8 years in June, I am not coping very well at all with the reality of my dad not being at my wedding, walking me down the aisle and the father daughter dance.  Im fact half the time I think of my wedding I think of my dad and get upset and cry.  I can honestly say I dont know how in gods name Im going to cope.  Like you I could never have imagined him not being alive for all of these things in my life.  My wedding day will be both the happiest and sadest day of my life.  I have visions of me cry throughout the day from the moment I wake up until the time I go asleep.  I desperately dont want to ruin anyones day especially my fiance, its just not fair on him but dont know what to do.

Im guessing you are all married by now!  Congradulations!  I would like to know how your wedding went and how you coped with the run up to the wedding and on the day.  I hope to hear back from you.

Kindest wishes,

Lisa xxx

[mishknit]

lisa....

i am a weddinig coordinator, and have dealt with this many times.

i usually read the loss of husband section; my husband died 4 years ago.

I did weddings before he died, and still do....very hard, as i'm sure you can imagine. i'm not sure why i was looking at other areas but glad i did.

I have seen nola's idea of a destination wedding work very well, but it really doesn't take away the pain does it?

I, personally believe that addressing the loss head on and re-framing it works better. Now, that's my opinion..and it's something i certainly had to do to enable me to keep on doing weddings, because it was so painful at the beginning.

first of all, the loss of your father, and your dream of him walking you down the aisle is horrible. and yet, this is a day for celebration; the beginning of a new life with the man you love, the possibility of children of your own..a wonderful day. i know that you think that you will be the only person deeply feeling your loss that day, bit that isn't true. everyone at the wedding who knew your father, knows your love for him, your mother...all will be very sad and feeling the loss. i find the best thing to do is to allow them their feelings, and thus they will let you have yours and be able to celebrate happily with you.

Some brides put special dedications in their programs, honoring their deceased parents. most people will have read it by the time the wedding starts and will have dealt with their feelings. sometimes a small picture of your decease loved ones on the altar, or table in a chuppah, helps, reminding everyone that he is there with you. a friend i knew, whose husband had died and then had to deal with her son's wedding, had a seat next to hear with a small bottle of crown royale (his drink of choice) at the reception... no sad stories or toasts..just palpable evidence of his loss and his presence. a bride i worked with walked in with her mother, and had a white rose in her bouquet, which, as she came to the spot her father would have sat, she placed it on the seat...a lovely, simple and symbolic gesture.

many brides i've worked with have not chosen their mpther or anyone to walk them down the aisle....the loss of their father was too much, and without that traditional walk, they didn't want a substitute. a wedding i did yesterday was like that. the bride walked down the aisle by herself....but then, as she hit the halfway mark..the groom walked down to meet her and escort her the rest of the way. it was lovely, symbolic and certainly eased the bride's pain, because she was able to fully focus on the man she was marrying more than the wonderful father she had lost.

it can't be an easy time, but it can be ok..and actually joyous, because you are marrying the love of your life. please don't dwell too much on what you don't have, think about what you do have. i would suggest some short term therapy prior to the wedding if it's becoming too overwhelming for you, just to help you work thru all of your feelings a bit. i nwo that inwas incredibly grateful for my therapist as i eased back into work.

feel free to contact me...

and i wish you the best,

a lovely wedding and a beautiful new life with your husband.

peace,

michele

[socal2010]

I hope the original poster was able to enjoy her day. For people getting married, try to remember that life isn't about the big moments, but instead the every day things. If I get married, I will of course wish my parents were there, but when I really miss them the most is in the every day moments, like right now. I would take a million every day moments with them over a wedding.

[alwaysdaddysgirl]

hi I just read your post and it bought all my memories back, I lost my Dear Daddy 3 years ago, 9 months before i was due to marry my now husband.

I wrote him a letter and took it to his grave the day before my wedding and I found this really helped, I also had a picture of him on the back of the order of service, and he was mentioned in the prayers, we also had a special candle made that was lit through the whole ceremony in church and took it to the reception and lit it there, so i felt like he was kind of there!

I was lucky that my wonderful younger brother walked me down the aisle.

I had a wonderful day and I know your Dad would want you to enjoy the happiest day of your life!

I hope these things can help you

xxxx

 

[Kelly]

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