The laughter is silent

[Lisajane]

How do you go on, after someone you slept next to, for twenty years is gone ? The laughter he created is now a ache of deafening silence ? 

[claribassist13]

I didn't know my fiance for nearly as long, and I rarely got to wake up to him next to me, but the answer you are looking for in one that you will have to define for yourself. 

The silence will be deafening for a long time. I know that for me it was absolutely crushing, like my heart was suddenly a dense rock. You manage to hear other things, though, and you learn to listen for the whispers of that laughter.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such a recent loss. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure that you have a strong support network around you. By now, I am sure that a lot of the initial shock is wearing off for you (the one-month mark tends to do that). It will be more important than ever that you have someone to reach out to.

I know that I didn't answer your question, but this is one of those questions that each person must answer for themselves.
Keep reaching out to the people in your life and to us! 

[KayC]

I wonder sometimes how I've gone on, it's been eleven years plus...I remember wondering that same thing.  I know for me it helped to stay in the present day and not take on the whole rest of my life...which is hard because I have anxiety as it is.  I think we all handle it differently, some hole themselves up, me, I remember desperately wanting to talk to someone, but they all disappeared on me.  I remember feeling frantic.  I couldn't sleep.  

Some say it gets better with time, but time alone does nothing to heal us, it's important to do our grief work.  I remember how that sounded to me when I first heard it (Great, now I have to do something?  I didn't ask for any of this!).  Yet I did my grief work, I had to!  I saw a grief counselor, I did art therapy, I wrote him letters, I joined a grief forum and was active there, I journalled, I watched videos, I read books.  What I had left at three years is pretty much what I had to live with, it took that long just to process his death.  But I've continued learning on this grief journey, and grown stronger.  It's been harder than anything I've ever been through, and that says a lot.  But I'm still here, somehow.

Life isn't the same, it never will be.  I miss him each and every day.  People don't get that, they don't get that while their lives continue, mine is forever changed.  The hardest thing to do was trying to build a life for myself, and trying to find purpose for my life.  It took years for me to do that, maybe I'm just slow, some don't seem to have taken as long as I did.  I would give everything in the world to have him back, even for five minutes.

[KMB]

KayC---i admire and respect that you are still active on here giving support,encouragement and hope to the rest of us. Your 11 years plus is a testament that our lives will somehow go on. I know it's been a hard struggle for you and continues to be. I've only been in this agony for a few months and there have been times I'd like to surrender. To stay under the covers and starve and will myself to death. My husband and I share a great love and since love never dies, I have to somehow use that love to give me the power, strength, to keep going.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, KMB said:

My husband and I share a great love and since love never dies, I have to somehow use that love to give me the power, strength, to keep going.

That's what I try to do too.  It has been so hard at times...last week was one of the toughest of times, but I'm keeping going!

[KMB]

Hi KayC---Thank you. Earlier when I was on here, I sent Janice a sad rant. I don't mean to make anyone feel worse than they do. But I had to let it out what I was feeling. It's so hard dealing with emotions and situations when you are by yourself. Since my rant earlier, I took a long shower, put some lavendar lotion on my face and neck, since the lavendar has a calming effect. Feeling a little more calmer now. I want my husband to be proud of me for carrying on and feel so defeated and lonely. I don't want our love and years together to be for nothing. I just am not coping well right now.

[Janice 252]

KMB . Don't be worried about anything you post on here. This is a safe place (maybe the only place) to express how we feel. We all understand and can empathise with you.  Sending prayers and hugs. X

[KMB]

Thank you, Janice. Most days and nights are just hard to get through. Reality is coming through more than ever.

[KayC]

Putting lavender on was a smart move, it's good to do what we can to help ourselves through this, even in little ways, it all helps.  And I agree with Janice, this is a safe place to be and it helps to be able to let it all our here.  We all understand.

[KMB]

Thank you, KayC. This is a safe place, thank God for that. I used to use the lavender lotion a few years ago when I was under a lot of stress. My husband had gotten 4 of his toes frostbit. (Diabetes, no feeling in his feet). I took him to the doctor, who immediately assigned him into a hospital. He was there for a few days being treated with antibiotics. We made many trips to a bone and joint clinic. 3 of his toes were healing but he ended up having 1 amputated and many more trips because it took a long time for the incision to heal.

I do a lot of reflecting on all the surgeries my husband endured and recovered from since 2006. He was strong and bounced back quickly from everything. I stayed strong, kept the stress and fear under wraps for him. The spring of 2015, was the last time for a hospital stay due to fluid buildup and his kidneys failing. After treatment, he was doing a lot better, but by last fall, he was declining and nothing more could be done, except for meds to try to keep his heart going. His heart had sustained damage from the diabetes and high blood pressure. He did have out patient surgery last summer to have a fistula installed in his wrist for future dialysis. The kidney clinic was getting everything set up to start those treatments when he passed.If only his heart had not decided to give out, he'd still be here and going to dialysis treatments would have been worth it to keep him here longer.

I also bought an essential oil warmer that I use lavender oil in. It is on all day and helps some. I could have just bought one of those glade oil diffusers you plug into an outlet, but I was afraid of it melting and starting a fire.

I've been getting a lot of panic attacks. Crying, deep breathing or going outside for a walk have been the only release from those. Living alone, being lonely for my husband and all the emotions, on top of the legalities, finances, other decisions, has been so very overwhelming.

Prayers and hugs to everyone.

 

[KayC]

I like walking too, although I walk on pain...and right now we're getting torrential rains and they're predicting snow our level and above.  I hope not because I don't want to have to cancel going to the doctor and getting my car worked on tomorrow (it's 120+ mile round trip).  
I also have Diabetes, so I know all too well the Neuropathy.  I give my feet the best care I can, but all the same, it's hard I also have a bone spur and Morton's Neuroma.  Poor feet!

I can understand the feeling overwhelmed, sometimes I do too, I try to stay in today and not take on worrying about more than that because it's too much.  It's too easy to let anxiety get the best of me!  On the other site I go to there are meditations, and they help calm me, along with prayer and turning to scriptures.  Hang in there and know you are not alone!