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I feel so alone


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I feel so alone..

I loss my grandpa very suddenly in June 08. Me & him were very close. I saw him multiple times a week, we hung out constantly, he was my best friend & I was his.  My family called us "Partners in Crime" beacuse we would constantly be getting in trouble, haha.

He taught me so much about life .. I just loved being with him. Me & him both shared the same passion..horses. He bought me my first horse only months before he died.  He was the only one in my family who loved me and supported me 100%.

The day he died (june 29th, 2008) I woke up thinking I was going to spend the day with him but I was wrong. I got a call from my sister saying that he was rushed to the hospital and it's not looking good. As I got dressed , I got another call from her (not 5 mins later) saying that he was gone.  I was in shock, I didnt know what to do.. my mind wouldnt let me belive that he was gone.

My parents came home to me sitting out in the rain , crying. I dont remember much about that day.. just remember this horrible whole in my heart. I remember going to his house and my family being there.. and going to his bed and sobbing into his pillow. I remember laying in the hammock in the back yard waiting for him to come around the bend...

How do I cope ? I just dont know.. Its been over a year and I miss him more then ever. I need him here, but he's not. It's not fair ! I never got to say goodbye ! I never got to say how much I love him.

I've fell in a horrible hole.. ive used all the wrong things to cope. I'm a senior in high school and my grades are horrible.. dont see how I will be able to graduate. I've been finding love in guys that dont respect me for anything.. I've been drinking.. I havent slept good in a long time.

im at my end.. dont know where to turn.

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I am so sorry for your loss, I know it is a hard blow to lose your grandpa.  I watched my children go through much the same when I lost my father.  They still hurt in their hearts, but they have found some peace.  They go to his grave site and talk with him, or they go someplace that was special for them, often the yard and remember the days he was there.

You need to remember that your grandpa may be gone from this world, but I think (perhaps you don't) that our departed loved ones are watching us.  They watch us laugh, and cry...  and they don't want us to be sad.  It is hard to be left behind, to think of them in a better place because we are human, and we are selfish and we want them with us always.

I hope you can find some peace, it is really tough during holidays.  I hope that  you will keep your head tall, and talk to your grandpa, and be the person he would be proud of, be the person you want to be.  The world is a hard enough place to live in, but when you are dealing with grief, it is even harder.  I willl keep you in my prayers and my thoughts.

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

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