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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Artina, you articulated very well how I am feeling right now, it has been 18 months and your statement “My second year was pure disbelief wrapped up in painful awareness” says it all.

I have been in the pits since Christmas and I can’t seem to claw my way back out. I am again not sleeping, eating much and the harsh reality that this is forever is crushing me. I feel like I am leading a double life. At work and around my other children I have to appear to be doing well, and it is really taking a toll on me. I just keep reminding myself that I will climb out of this again and that I will survive this wave of despair.

I am so sorry to see so many new people on this board. My heart goes to each of you.

Matthew’s mom Mary

11/3/79-7/13/2003

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Dearest Everyone,

I wrote several days ago, on the 14th, as it was the 18month mark of losing my girl, Erica, but for some reason my whole post disappeared and it was so emotional i could not reproduce it. I do want to tell the mom who is here after a short amount of time since her son's passing that i am so very sorry that your husband does not support you in your sadness. Your crying or falling to pieces is normal, if anything can ever be normal, that is. Here you are dealing with the illness of another son and one leaves you suddenly. THe suddeness that so many of our children left us is shocking and when i was at 3 or 4 months into my loss I fell apart. I felt as though another layer of skin was torn away leaving me raw and blind, and wanting to be alone and yet needing others. I believe it is when i came here. Everyone grieves however they do, no rules, but as you can see from some of us 'seasoned' by more time doing it, life becomes something new again for most of us. I thinkit is becasue our angels would want us to get up and live and laugh again, get up and find something that grabs your attention again, get up and live in the moment. I think trying to live in the moment, the day is important, and i think that in some ways it is a gift we now have. We see that looking ahead of now leaves us missing now, not seeing and feeling all there is. We are no longer preoccupied with tomorrow or when we retire, it is today that i need to make the most of. It is today.

i pray that each day opens up like a flower for you all and on those days when it feels like everything hurts or sucks, write about it or take a walk in it and see if there is something there redeemable. One thing sure,wouldn't trade one moment of Erica's life and so now i have to go forward taking her with me into the day doing good things in her light.

my heart,

dee

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Hello to all,

I am so grateful for the kind words and understanding I have received since writing my first post this last saturday. It has been almost 4 weeks since my son Ian died. I don't even want to write that word, died. How can it be real? Thank you to everyone and I am so glad to have found this place. To those of you who lost your beloved children and then donated thier organs I salute you for thinking of others in your time of darkest pain. One of the things I find most hard to bear about my son's passing is that his older brother waits on a transplant list for a new set of lungs ,and, had Ian died here instead of in an other state and with no ID, his lungs could have gone to his brother. Because of the circumstances noone was helped.

I have found that people don't know what to say to me. They either say nothing and act as if nothing has happened or they are so disstressed and feel so embarassed that I have to make them feel better. And I wonder if I was ever so careless with someone else's feelings.

Someone mentioned thier regret for my husband's lack of support, that wasn't me that wrote that. It was a posting from someone else, I can't remember the name of the person who did. My husband has been very supportive he took care of everything for me. All the funeral arrangements ect. I could not do it. I would not do it. My husband is Ian's stepfather and he too mourns his loss. He lost a daughter at birth 15 years ago. I cannot imagine that. I am so grateful to have had Ian for 18 years, to know him and to have so many good memories. I can hear his voice and see his smile and feel his goodness.

I told my mother the other day that now I feel as if I am a member of a seceret society. Seceret because you cannot tell by looking who else has been through this and seceret because the pain is so indescribable that only those who have expierenced it can even begin to understand what another is feeling who now walks this path. Here we are all one.

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Hi all, I'm sorry to see new people hear once again but glad you found this place where people do understand how you feel. I have regressed over the holidays and now extending after them into my inner depths of grief. I keep a book in the bathroom and by my bed that I can read a few pages at a time. The one I'm reading now says that I should have viewed Todd's body in order to have closure and realize the finality of him being gone. I don't believe every word in every book I read but it makes me wonder. I refused to look at Todd in a casket. I had him available for viewing before and after the services. I wanted to remember him as he was before his death. Did I hurt my daughter by doing this because she did what I did? She came to see me once during Christmas. She told me yesterday the only reason she came down was to get her presents. I received the report from the ambulance company the other day. I felt as if I was reliving that day while reading this and I have no one who seems to care enough to listen, much less read this. It will all work out though. I am a strong person but alot is being asked of me since Todd died. I am sorry I haven't kept in touch but I know you all understand. I changed Todd's web site. Here is the new link.

http://toddjlee.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Here is the link that my 18 year old cousin's daughter made in memory of her mother. I wish my daughter would realize what she still has by having me. Someday I feel she will.

http://lori-murray.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Blessings and Hugs to all of you

Camille

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whoops! sorry AJgrisel, i guess I read about you the same day as i read about the woman whose husband was not supportive, though i am glad for the mistake as you have so much already. My husband too is the stepparent to my children. He has been very supportive too though at first i felt that he was not truly able to understand my grief. Once i realized he really can't, and that it didn't matter to the process i needed to go through, i was able to feel more free in my grieving.

My daughter Erica was 19 when she was hit by an Amtrak while driving, the light at the crossing was broken and we have found out in records that it had been broken for some time. She lived for 6 days with a severed brain stem, the only movement was this thing called posturing, which as the doctors warned, was the worst sign. I am sure that Eri hung out for those 6 days to give time to all that needed to travel to come say goodbye. We live in Illinois, just outside of chicago, and she and her brother, my son, Jon, lived together and went to junior college in Kalamazoo michigan. They were very close. Jon moved back home withhis dad, two blocks from me after Eri died. It is 18 months now, it seemslike a lifetime ago and 3 seconds ago that i received that awful call asking if i was Erica Reith's mom. The call that changes the world. I had spoken to her on my evening walk that July night, just 30 minutes before she was struck. She had visited us on the 6th of July, two days before, it was a surprise visit, i am so grateful for that last cup of coffee we shared, for her standing in the garden so that i could snap a photo. I am grateful for many things as my heart tries to repair, missing her the hardest thing to endure. She was a donor and in the end was able to give sight to 2 people, to give bone for babies born with spinal issues, she gave heart valves, but her organs were compromised as we chose to pull the plugs andin so doing, her organs were deproved of oxygen. I feel badly that she could not share that huge heart, but she gave and she will always be present in the hearts of so many.

Lostclee, i am praying for you right now to find some peace in this tense and unhappy time. Todd is with you and holding your heart in his.

peace to you all,

dee

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To all I have confused. John's step dad was really the only dad my son knew. He was great to John the years John was here. He was John's only dad really since io dad disappeared when I divorced him. We went through all John's good years and his tough years and stood strong as a family.

He was wonderful to me all through John's accident and all that followed. Until just awhile ago. His way of dealing with John is thinking his is in Iowa living out his life. Oh how I wish that were true.

He is frustated that he can't seem to help me. He hates that he can't fix me or take the pain away. I have thought a lot about this and it seems to me that he can't deal with death, so I guess it would be easier for him not to see me sad, hurt, angry and all the other emoitons.

I am sorry for the confusion. i did decided to move out for my own well being. We love one another there is no doubt but at this time we ae not good for each other.

Bless all of you who cares

John's mom forever

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I just wanted to share something positive with all of you.

I was feeling exceptionally sad the other day and went to sleep earlier than usual. I have three Christmas Cactus in the house. One of them belonged to my daughter. Over the last couple days, her cactus has bloomed beautiful flowers for me to enjoy. It is the only one of the three that has bloomed. She must have known somehow that I needed a lift.

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Dear brin3d,

what a wonderful way for your girl to brighten the winter days. There she is blossoming in the midst of heartache to remind you she is more than fine, she is free.

John's mom, i am sorry that i got you confused with one of our newest parents. I am so sorry that your husband cannot deal with the loss of John, not that it is anything anyone of us want to do, but i think we know that if we put it back and not face and feel all that is involved in grieving, we are destined to live in that twilight zone forever. I know many parents have said that they just pretend for as long as they can that their son or daughter is away at college, orliving away...until it finally cannot be hidden away anymore. I am glad that you are taking care of yourself, it is all we can do, as we know we can';t take care of others really, we do not have control over their decisions. I know what you mean about your husband wanting to fix it for you and when he can't he becomes more uptight. My husband too was behaving in this way for some time( always saw his role in life as fixer) and finally i told him that this is forever, it cannot be fixed, it can only be faced but not if others are expecting me to be on their time clock. He read a few passages from several books and he turned it around pretty well. I shall hope that someday you feel some genuine strength and peace as you step into it with your whole self.

Love,

dee

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Dear brid3, Wow how beautiful that is the sense of your beautiful girl. I have been wanting and waiting to know some kind of presense of John (it is almost three months this (Friday) when he was laid to rest. This past Saturday when I walked into his room his CD I made of music that reminds of him began to play on it's own.

As most of you know I have been wanting to know that he is in heaven safe without pain. The CD did not begin on the first song it began on the 4th song which is titled "Heaven". As I listend to the song still wondering who turned on the CD player it was then I realized John played that for me, he wanted to tell me what I have praying for that he is in heaven, safe and without pain. Funny I used to sing to him "Johnny Angel" when he was a baby. Now I know he is one.

Does things like this really happen? Has anyone experinced things like this? If would you mind sharing your story.

Dear ericasmom,

I thank you so much for your words of comfort. I am not sure if I have made the right decesion about moving out...but I do feel a litle peace with it. Guess my husband thought I wouldn't do it and frankly I am surprised I am doing it. He is very angry at me now. Maybe his plan backfired(to shock me out of grief)I don't know however it doesn't matter now I need to find that place to have peace.

Knowing I have this site to come to sure has helped me realize that this process we are all going through, gone through... my feelings are normal and no one can tell you how and where or how long we will be in this "twilight zone".

Blessed by all of you and thank you, John's mom forever.

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Jscmom,

If you take a look at the book reviews on Beyond Indigo you will find books that have stories about THOUSANDS of incidents of communication. Please do yourself a favor and read some of the books, particularly those from/about George Anderson.

Take care.

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Just a quick little story,

after 6 days in the hospital as Erica hung between life and death I kept calling her Erica Blue Sky. It was the bluest skies each of those days, i kept telling her it was an Erica Blue Sky day, a good day to fly, knowing of course that she was going to die. So on the 6th day we had her removed from all the measures and beeps and machines that assisted her. It was her dying day. I told my girl, Erica it is a good day to fly, nobody blames you for leaving, it is what you have to do now. She died after an hour and 10 minutes off the respirator. Blue Sky. Several hours later while standing in the parking lot of a motel in the town Eri died, my husband and i watched the sun setting, it was the most intense color ever, bright flamingo, bright pink, various blues and violets. The color was traveling trhogh a cloud that even my non believer husband acknoledged. IT was a shape of a girl with braids or dread locks flying about her head, her arms were outstretched, one joining hands with another cloud shaped like a man with a beard. He was huge, twice my daughter the cloud. Her feet were huge, as they were in real life. The colores traveled from head to her toes andf then the sun went down. We stood there in amazement, in total grief, in tears and sobs, my cell phone rang and it was my two sisters and three nieces, crying from the car, already one state away on the way home after Eri died. they said they were watching a cloud that looked just like Eri and the colors that went through her, that she was reaching for a man.

Well, this was one affirmation that Eri was making her way to heaven, that she had help, that she was filled with light.

Once the sun had completely set, we walked up to our cramped room, turned on the TV. Had not watched television for 6 days, first thing on was an announcement on the news that the next hurricaine out of the Atlantic, would be named Erica.

That wwas another sign, one that made me laugh and cry, she loved big storms, she loved when it got wild.

Then, after a few months i was reading a book of poetry, and in one poem it said Blue Sky. It stated that Blue Sky was another way of saying Heaven in both Chinese and Lakota Indian. So all those days that i called my girl Erica Blue Sky...i was calling her Erica Heaven.

I do believe our children are in a place of beauty, of joy. I do believe we shall be with them again and that we do not get to know why this occured until we next meet them. Spending your energy on why, will just leave you flat. Now the question is how. How do i make the most of life with this hole in my heart? How do i tell people to use my child's name even though he or she is gone? How do i let people know that i need to speak about my child even if it makes them uncomfortable? How do i best honor the life of my child?

Now we go on about how to live our best lives, our best we can now. It is a process, it is daily, hourly for that matter, but it is something we join each other in, and that is good.

love,

dee

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Dear Brin3d, Ericsmom, and Jcsmom,

Thanks for the lovely stories. They lifted my day just reading

them. My son David's watch was returned to me after the terrible

wreck that killed him.(he must not have been wearing it--not sure).

Anyhow, it kept perfect time even after coming through that horrific

event. It ran for many months--close to a year, and one day I looked

at it, and it had stopped---at 1:20 which was the time of his death

that awful day June 14/03. I think we, as grieving parents, look for

anything that will give us a connection to our beloved children. These

connections mean more than gold to us. Peace be with all of you.

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Hi Daveydow,

we allhave stories that make us smile and cry at the same time, living with angels is like that. My girl died one month after your boy. July 14th 03. WE go on, somedays better than others.

my heart,

dee

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Jason was 23 years old. I lost him 2 years ago 10/16/02. His birthdate was 1/24/05- he is 26 years old. He lived in CA and was planning to come home to PA. I did not have enough time with him and I resent it!! Despite the grief and loss, I think if I had time to say good-bye to Jason it might have helped.

I envy those that have an opportunity to prepare and sit by their child's bedside and hold their hands. I cannot offer any positive messages of hope. I feel like I am just moving through time...and I don't understand why these awful things happen. It has altered my whole perspective on life and living. I am numb and cannot belive in the rhetoric that "there are no accidents" and "everything happens for a reason." If that were true, then life is truly so grim and I have lost any meaning for why we are here...drifting through time. After his death, I read every book I could find on life, NDE,

after life and concluded these books are just for the living to help them get through. I think it must all be a big joke on us. I paid several readers and psychics and could not get a sense that Jason was with them. When I challenged them, they all agreed to refund my money-I would rather donate it to a charity.

I experienced several signs of Jason after he passed; and one of the most important ones I felt, was listen to myself. I wish I could listen more, but

my emotions are plagued with grief, saddness and dismay. I wish you all strength and courage to live.

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Pearl1, I am sorry about Jason, also. There is just no understanding any of this, nor is there any way to learn to understand. We each have our own way of coping, at times it works for us, at other times it is just like hitting a brick wall. There is so much love that we all have for our kids and just seems to keep building up inside us. Without them around to give that love to physically we are at a great loss. At times I feel like my head could explode, but now near to 5 years later those times are farther between, thank God. I, like you, don't think there is any grand plan for having any of our kids die when they do, it is just a roll of the dice. The circumstances surrounding the death of our kids happened as far as I know now, they just happened, and anything could have changed that, but didn't. We all seem to go back at some time to a place or time where we feel that certain things might have made a difference, but that is in the past and there is nothing we can do about it even though our hearts break because of it. I like to think time does heal, but the scar is always there. Jim

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Pearl1

My heart breaks all over again for loss of all of our children. I sat by my daughter's hospital bed for three days and watched as my child's life ebbed slowly away. I felt like pieces of my soul were being ripped out with each passing minute I sat there and was unable to make her live on. I couldn't give her the part that she needed to live. How I wanted to be able to give the gift of life back to her during that time. I said all the things that I needed to say as did the rest of the family. Did she hear them????? Did the small amout of brain activity understand them if she heard anything at all???? Did she know I was with her???? These are things that haunt me each and every day. I don't know if I got to say goodbye or not. I can only hold onto some small hope that she knew I was with her. I felt selfish because I could not let her go. Her body struggled until it couldn't stuggle any longer. And still I couldn't tell her it was ok to rest. I couldn't bear the thought of her never coming home with me. I had never been without her with me ever. Even at 23 she lived at home. She was my best friend and I didn't know it until she was gone.

I struggle each time someone makes a well meaning comment that ends up making anger well up inside. Like the person telling me that maybe she had to die for my granddaughter to have a better life. How could her life be better without the mother that loved her so much....But then I have to remember that they truly can't understand because they have never experience this type of loss....and I have to put it away or it would just make me crazy.

But I have found that it is alright to cry whenever I want or think about her or talk about her and if no one wants to listen....I talk to her. I type to her in my journal on the computer telling her about all the accomplishments that her daughter is making and how much she has grown and all about the looks and actions that her daughter has that remind me of her.

Is there hope and something thing to look forward to? Most definately! My child would never want me to give up hope. None of our children would want that.

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Brin3d,

I was reading your post & you said one thing that stuck in my

mind. You said that you talked about your daughter when you

wanted to, and if nobody wanted to listen----"I talk to her."

I believe we can always talk to our children who have passed

on before us. I also believe that they hear us. People here on

earth can doubt this to be true, but they cannot disprove it

anymore than we can prove it. We just believe it in our hearts

and souls, and that is enough. Peace be with you.

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Written by kirksdad: "I, like you, don't think there is any grand plan for having any of our kids die when they do, it is just a roll of the dice. The circumstances surrounding the death of our kids happened as far as I know now, they just happened, and anything could have changed that, but didn't."

Jim, this describes my belief also. I used to struggle with the idea that God didn't hear or care about my prayers to keep Kyle safe, or that somehow God was punishing me for ... something. The only way I've found peace is to believe that this life is just a small step in our journeys to wherever we are ultimately going. Our childrens' time was just shorter than we expected. In the meantime we need to make our little part of the world a better place.

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LUVU4EVERNICK

Donosmom and Artina,

I too am experiencing the heartwrenching pain of this second year without my son, Nick. He died of a severed aorta, a result of an auto accident, several blocks from our home on his way to work June 5,2003. Nick was 22 years old, recently graduated with his degree in Chem E. and had just started work at Sunoco Refinery three weeks before he died. God he was so happy...I thought we all were back then. How our lives have changed since that knock on the door.

Artina your beautiful words "Pure disbelief wrapped up in painful awareness" definitely describes what I've been experiencing.

Mattew's Mom, I too feel as though I'm drifting in and out of two worlds...and yes it is exhaususting...both physically and mentally. I'm so very tired of this life of hidden sorrow and grief. Mary,I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. If you'd like, please tell me about him.

In Nick's love, Michele

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I am sitting here reading your hearts and wishing you all a bit of peace today. the snow is passing my window like so much glitter, and the foot of snow is evidence to the wonders of winter. With the snow the sun is shining today,the winter sunlight holds its own beauty. I walked for an hour this morning and when i got to the slough in the woods, no tracks of others there, virgin snow, I scooted my feet to write ERICA in the snow in letters at least 6 feet long. I wept when i stood back to survey her name shining up from the ground,I love her name, Erica Eileen. And it is in her name, the energy of my girl, that i feel the sun on my face today.

peace,

dee

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tammiwoolever

Hey to everyone. I have been gone for awhile, nearly 1 year, as my name has changed from tammi woolever, to tammee weismuller. My name change is a result of the man I was married to when my only child, my son Michael Brandon Hodges suddenly died Memorial Day 2001. I've written alot in this forum, and written the story "Sonshine On My Shoulders". However, I am still grieving and mourning the loss of my son, and now my divorce as the man I was married to and depended on for compassion, love and warmth to help me through my sudden loss 'departed and abandoned our marriage by stating that Tammee is Usless'. Today he is still neglecting/abusing me through the legal system, and is in contempt of Superior Court on 12 counts, yet he wanted the divorce. This man has 4 beautiful children, and I am afraid this man will loose one or two, but, not by death, but by abandonment just as he did to me, and their Mothers'. So, now I understand the truth of happiness. I became vulnerable, and was taken advantage of, now glows my maturity! Our inner faith is our inner power to heal. However, the sudden loss of a child is the everlasting void of a parent! Love to all of you, Tammee Weismuller, Mother of Michael Brandon Hodges.

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Hello to all who enter here. I am feeling so much pain and sadness. god this has to be a nightmare. I have been packing and working a week. I must move out of what used to be my safe place to find some peace. It has only been a little over 3 months since John left even though it seems like forever and yet today.

While is was packing my office I found a letter john had wrote to me 6/1/03...been crying since and that was this morning.

How do we get through this? Where is the peace I am needing so bad. My son dies, 1/2 of my side of the family hasn't spoken to me since the burial, and now my husband is tired of my pain....so another first. It seems that since 9/26 my life has been on a downward spiral and i keep trying to claw my way out buy it all caves in again.

Thank God for friends they will be here in the am with brawn and trucks.

I don't know what this new change will bring I am hoping peace i don't know but as we all have found out we will never know what tomorrow will bring.

Bless all

Loving John Always,

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Dear Erica's Mom,

Your writings are so beautiful. I am touched each time I read one. I noticed your son's name is Jon. That is the middle name of my older son, the one waiting for a lung transplant, and is spelled the same, Jon. Saturday it was one month since my son Ian died. I went to his grave site for the first time since his funeral. I saw three different sets of flowers there, I don't know who from. I miss him so much.

You seem so aware of the beauty around you, I too have felt this often since that day that Ian left this life. And yet the loss and pain are breath taking. I just wanted you to know that the things you write are helpful to me. Thank you.

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Nicks Mom,

I would love to share Matthew with you! I would also love to hear about your Nick. Matthew had such a beautiful nature, a ready smile, laughter, always helping someone. He was quite generous with his love and affection to his family, fiancé and friends. He died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. I have an album on the Loss of a Child memorial and here is a web link http://members.cox.net/zisaiwu/MattLeBeau/frame2.htm His fiancé built the site from the slide show that his friends and students did for the funeral.

One of the positive things I have been able to do is speak on the wondrous good organ donation truly is. I have spoken to hospital ICU nurses to help them be able to approach families, civic groups and a transplant organization. I know that Matthew would be very proud of me and that gives me the strength and courage to continue. If you would like to read one of my talks I would be happy to email it to you. I would post it here but it is a little long. Matthew was 23 yrs 8 months and 9 days old when we lost him. I find myself constantly going through the years of memories in my mind as if they are on video tape, rewinding again and again.

I am so glad that I found this site, it is certainly a safe haven for me where no one judges me or expects me to be anywhere but where I am. Thank you all.

Matthews Mom Mary

11/3/1979 – 7/13/2003

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jDear AJGRISEL,

thank you for your kind words, i know how very confusing and mind boggling it is to be one month out, and i know how that occurs many times and at different intervals throughout our lives after we lose our baby. There is nothing normal to this loss, and so when others expect normalacy it is simply ludicrous. today, 18 months later i told a coworker that i get shocked some days that my girl is gone. As though someone punched me in the gut, knocked my wind out of my lungs. All i know is this place helped me breath again, and if my words help you then i know that part of my new job on earth is working out. Your words will help lay a path for newcomers in the future, even though we never want there to be newcomers...there always will be. Just as our children help one antoher into the world of light they exist in now, we help each other to find light. I was helped here, may you be too.

Tammi, and Jscomom, i am so sorry for the extra losses in your lives, it is unexceptable to be left, but it is a new start, may it be filled with more joy than you ever expected.

love,

dee

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Dear Tammiwoolever,

I do so wish the best for you in this very difficult time in

your life. My prayers are with you for a brighter tomarrow.

Peace to you.

Jscmom,

My heart goes out to you in this terribly painful time. My son

died 6/14/03 in a terrible crash. His birthday was 9/26. These

dates are burned into our minds forevermore. Your heart is broken

now, and I am sad for you and for all who come to this site. Peace

be with you.

Davey's mom.

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Hi all,

I haven't been here in a while; it's so strange to me how I can skate along okay sometimes, even days at a time, then not okay at all other times.

I am feeling so, so, very, very sad today. Six months ago today, my son was in the accident that cost him his life. Friday will be six months since I lost him. His 24th birthday approaches on February 13. It will be our first birthday without him.

How is this true? How did this happen? When will I wake from this nightmare?

Then I realize, again, how painfully true it is. I struggle, I fight, to believe, just believe, somehow, someway, that my son is somewhere, that I'll see him again, but all I see right now is the pain that's left behind. I am paralzyed with the grief and the injustice of it all.

My heart has become a scale, alternating between weighing the signs I see that Justin is still here, and the reality that my son, my baby boy is dead.

A hummingbird at my window, the beauty of the clouds on the day he died, the multiple mentions of his name yesterday while listening to the radio. A posting in my online journal from my daughter's friend telling about a beautiful dream she had of an angel and how she believes it was him. All signs that he is out there, somewhere...

Or is he? His ashes sit in a cold brass urn on my mantle. The beautiful bounty of pictures that I have of him, all reminders that he is GONE! The pretty blue eyes I'll never look into again. The big, strong young man he had become, is now ashes?

How do I go on now? How do I do this for the rest of my life? How do I help my daughters when I am struggling myself? I am so afraid for my oldest daughter, at 19 she is in such turmoil and it scares me that she could let this destroy her. I feel so powerless, so helpless, so, so weak and small.

thanks so much for listening...

Beth

Justin's webpage

http://members.cox.net/elizabethg1/newer1.html

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Hi, beth, I am so sorry this has happened to your son, and your family, all I know to say is take the time you need, do what you feel like doing, spend the time with your girls, stay close, and tight with one another, take each hour as it comes, it turns into, days , then weeks, and so on---the loss of a child, takes it's toll on you, --it takes time. bless you and your family.

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Dear Beth,

I am so very sorry for you and your family at this stage of your grief

journey. Your words are so true, and all of us here

knows what your agony is like. Yes, the thought of being

without our children is enormous and frightening. I hope you will keep

posting when you feel up to it, or just reading if you don't

feel like posting. This site has helped me so much. My prayers

are with you at this painful time. Peace be with you.

MomofDavey

(9/26/71----6/14/03)

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Beth, I like what you have done with Justin's pages. They are really nice. I really like the picture of him when he was young. The saying is priceless.

"I dropped a tear in the ocean; when they find it that's when I'll stop remembering you." It is so very, very true. I know how hard it is. Jim

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On May 15, 2002 we lost our 38 year old daugher quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Since then I have een so overwhelmed with dispair -- and tho I try to thiuk mostly about the good times we had when she was with us, my heart aches so. She was such a precious daughter --w ith such a zest for life, and with so many hopes an d plans for the future. Her birthday is coming up next month -- on Feb. 22 she would be 41 years old -- her birthday is one day before mine -- which is Feb. 23. I long so to hear her swee voice, to see here bright and cheerful smile; to hear her say "I love you Mom"; to get one of great big "bear hugs". Kim never met a stranger -- she loved people, and always seemed to see good in everyone she met. She spread sunshine everywhere she went -- and I miss her so terribly. We have three other adult children -- and I tell myself I have to keep going on for their sakes. But at night, wnen I go to bed I find it so difficult to sleep -- I keep thinking of Kim, and how much I miss her, and feel I should have been able to do something to save her. She had been sick with bronchitis, and it is sour belief she had a major adverse reaction to the medication she was prescribed. She stopped breathing suddenly -- and I couldn't find a pulse -- and she did not appear to be breathing. I called the Paramedics --and they were here in minuts -- but were unable to revive her. I live with such awful guilt -- IF I had only known how to do CPR could I have saved her? I don't know how to deal with this feeling that I failed her. Her Doctor said she went into accute circulatory collapse -- she had major kidney disease, and he said her entire system shut down. He tried to reassure me that I could not have saved her -- that even if I had been able to start her breathing, she would have ended up on Life Support -- but I can't stop believing if I had only known what to do, perhaps she would be here today.

How does one live with such feelings of terrible guilt -- and still go on living? I only wish it had been me -- not Kim. She had hr whol life ahead of her -- so many hopes and dreams. I need to find ways to Honor her Memory -- and spread the joy and love she shared with so many, but even now, after two and a half years, it is so difficult to make it through each day.

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Hi all,

Thanks so much for your support. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. It hit me much harder than I expected it to.

Kirksdad (Jim) - thanks for your kind words about Justin's webpages. It helps me a lot to do something creative to keep his memory alive. Some days go by and I don't feel like doing much, but I do work on his website. It makes me feel closer to him somehow.

Davey's mom & Shane's mom- thanks for your kindness and understanding. This is a terrible path to walk, but it helps to know that others are on this path with me.

Somedays I don't know what I would do without you, without this place. Even though I don't post a lot, I am here a lot, reading and crying, and just thankful that others understand my turmoil.

Beth (Justin's mom)

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Neejay, I am sorry about Kim. I know how hard it is not to feel guilty, but hopefully in time you will come to understand that her death was not anything you should feel guilty about. We all have our bouts with guilt because as a parent we feel we are there to protect our kids, but sometimes that is just not possible. The feelings that we have because of what happens has a tendency to hurt us emotionally and physically. We are tired and feel like we are beaten down, but in time that too has a tendency to become less and less. It doesn't mean we lose our ability to feel the pain, it is just that we know what to do with it. In the long run we will always miss our kids, that is just the way it will be, but we will also, in time, find some healing. Jim

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To Kirksdad and Runningramma: Thank you both for your very kind and caring words. I tell myself that Kim would want me to go on with my life, and try to reach out and help others, as she so often did. But at times this feeling of such terrible guilt seems to overwhelm me -- and I feel I should have been able to save her. It helps to hear from other parents who have lost an Adult Child -- and to know that im time it will become easier to cope with our loss. I know I will always have such an empty space in my life -- Kim brought so much joy and sunshine to our entire family -- she had such a warm and bubbly personality, and my heart aches so without her her.

Runningramma, I would love to have a copy of the booklet you have put together, and if there is a charge, I will be only to only to happy to pay for it. I NEED to find ways to Honor Kim's Memory, and would like to have a Web Page with pictures etc., but don't know how to go about it. I will appreciate a copy of your booklet -- an thanks so much.

By the way, my name is Betty -- tho I go by Beejay -- and when I typed my previous message I guess I hit the wrong key and it came up "neejay".

Thanks to both of you for your kind words of hope and encouragement.

Sincerely, Betty aka beejay

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tammiwoolever

To JSCMom:

I am Tammee, mother of Brandon Hodges, and I've read your plight, as it is like mine. I have to tell you, I wish I had your inner strength to 'move out and on' shortly after Brandon's death, because I knew eventually my husband would leave, anyway. I, however have to live with my parents (I am 44 years old), because my ex-husband 'barrowed' my credit and ruined it too. I cannot rent or purchase a home for now (and I am a real estate agent).

Please don't let your 'vulenability' dictate your life. I did, but didn't realize it. I now know better. Living by yourself may sound or seem negatively lonely, but you are not! This is a good time for you to relfect on all of the good memories and times with your son! I've been doing that for 3 1/2 years now, and am happy I began practicing this right from the start; it was challenging and felt weird, but, today I am sharing my life with others about 'loss of adult child', and the void that comes along with it.

Now, and after Superior Court enforces my ex-husband to comply, I am looking to purchase a small home here, and I feel my son's acceptance all over me. It belonged to my Uncle who suddenly passed away in September, and my family is doing their best to help me acquire it.

All I am saying here is this 'never does the PAIN of our loss go away, but, with prayer, with inner strength, with future clarity, we begin to feel ourselves feeling powerful'. We think beyond those who have been fortunate to 'not lose a child to death'. We see and feel things they do not. We know better and begin living our lives eventually in peace, as everything else is irrelevant. We learn to make the best of what is around us.

Hugs to All Parents here!

Tammee Weismuller

Mother of Michael Brandon Hodges

Memorial Day 2001

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Hi All,

and hi Tammy, how inspiring that you have reached this new place in your life and that through your ache you have helped others learn to live again with their loss. It is the most difficult thing to do i think. Tonight i was listening to the radio, i listen to alternative rock and rock and there is a band out of Scotland that is called Snowpatrol. They sing a song that makes me cry and cry, it is as though if i could write a song to describe my words to ERica as she left this earth. It says,:light up light up, as if you had a choice, even if you can not hear my voice, i'll be with you my dear."

Amazing, to me amazing to hear the words that really describe the hardest time in a parents life...written by somebody else.

I am thinking of you all and sending my good wishes and prayers as we climb through the ache and manuvre the falling rocks, we do go on. We go on for our kids and we learn to go on for ourselves.

love,

dee

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Tammee, I lost my son on 7/24/03 age 33. I certainly can relate to what you said about how so many things are different now and will always be. There are so many things that are no longer important to me. and nothing really upsets me because nothing will ever be as painful as losing my son. Still feel so empty inside and missing him so. Never goes away does it? Take care and keep those memories close to your heart as I know you do. missingjohn

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Hi,

I changed my user name, I have internet stalkers, those people who hated my son... I don't want them to find my posts here!

I feel like such a failure as a mother...I know it's not rational, but I keep thinking if I wasn't a failure as a mother, then my son wouldn't have died. The fact that he died at only 23 means that I failed.

Does anyone else feel that way? Has anyone else felt that way? How do you deal with that? I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't true, that I didn't cause his death, but it's not working.

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Justin4ever,

You are not at fault for your child's death. I think we all go through a phase that we feel guilty about something. Heck, I have even felt bad that I didn't make my son's favorite meal more often. That's silly. If Chris were still alive, I wouldn't question myself one bit. I know that I did the best I could... the best I was capable of doing at any given time. Don't beat yourself up... your grief is enough to deal with right now. Guilt is very distructive and it doesn't help our situation at all. I work very hard at keeping my mind focused on the things that I did right, the good times, and the fact that my son knew that I loved him more than life. I find those steps important for creating a healthy mental environment.

Peace to you, Tina

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Hello everyone, I havent posted here for awhile, I guess I have been lost in my own little world. I dont have the answer to why our precious children were taken away from us so early. I only know what we did or did not do, didnt cause their deaths. I think that we all did the best we could for our kids. Will the pain ever go away, I dont think so, but I think that as each day passes we learn different ways to cope. Take one day at a time,and try to smile at least once in a day, even though it may be difficult. Sometimes I even smile and cry at the same time. Peace to everyone. Peg, Bobs mum.

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Hi to Everyone

I lost my son Michael on 8-31-03 in a horrible car accident with his girlfirend Gina. I go thru each day and do the best that I can. i will say one thing for myself and how I feel, it does not het any easier for me not to have Mike here. I try to understand why it happened, and there is just no answer for it. people say there is a reason, I answer tell me what it is, or they say he is in a better place, I answer No he is not, he belongs here with his sister and neices and nephew.

Thanks for listening

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Hi again it is me, it was 8-30-02 not 8-30-03. Then again it seems at times it was just yesterday, and then again sometimes it seems not to be real.That Mike will walk in my door or call me. But I know that is not possible

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Justin4ever, Artina, and Missyou20,

Thanks for your posts. I also have a lot of guilt about my son's

death. I keep thinking that I should have let him know how much I

loved him---by telling him more. I also sometimes feel guilty when I fix

a good meal because I think about the times that I was not home or

didn't cook, and I wish that I could make Davey just one more meal.

Also, I get things mixed up in my head at times---thinking that it

could not be almost 2 yrs. since my son died (6/14/03). And as you

said, Missyou20, sometimes it seems like yesterday. We are all in

our private hell I guess. Thank goodness we can come here & post

and say how we feel, and know that everyone else knows firsthand

how we feel. We will not have anyone telling us to 'get over it' or

other stupid remarks like that. Peace be with everyone who comes to

this site.

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Daveydow,

I'm sure your son knows how much loved him... not by your words...but by your actions. Love is something we feel, not say. Although saying it helps us express it verbally.

I don't know if this will help you, but my husband's family doesn't say, "I love you", to each other. Even after losing a grandson. My family say's it everytime we leave the house or hang up the phone. It was really strange for me to observe when I first married my husband twenty three years ago. I would ask my husband how he knows his mother and father loves him and he would simply say, "because they show it". Yes, he would like to hear it. Yet, he knows they love him- without a doubt- he knows they love him. Thus, love is expressed through actions more than by words. I hope this makes some kind of since. I understand why you wish you would have said it more. I think we all wish we could of, would of, should of... that's our guilt smoothering us with painful regrets. If your son was alive, and you could ask him if he knows how much you love him, what would his reply be? Yes- I'm sure of it!

Peace to you, Tina

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Davydow1

THANK YOU FOR THE WORDS YOU WRTOE ABOUT YOUR CHILD, I HAVE THOUGHT AND FELT THE SAME THINGS ABOUT MY SON ALOT. i KNOW THAT HE KNOWS THAT i LOVE HIM AND ALWAYS WILL. i ALWAYS TOLD HIM THAT, EVEN IF WE HAD WORDS MIKE ALWAYS KNEW THAT I LOVED HIM, AND I KNEW THAT HE LOVED ME ALSO. THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR WORDS

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I just wanted to say that I too have thought often over the last year and a half about what I did or didn't do during my daughter's short life. I wish I had told her more often that I loved her. At night when she would go to bed she would always stop on the stairs and "Goodnight mom, I love you." If we had been arguing about something which seems stupid now, I would begrudgingly answer her back. I would make her say it more than once before I would answer. Or when I got home from working all day I was too tired to cook and would ask why she couldn't have started something. I realize now how much energy it takes to chase and clean up after a baby all day. Her comment was alwarys, "When I cook, no one eats it so why should I cook." How I would love to hear her say goodnight once again. Each time I make her favorite foods, it saddens the day. So I try to stay away from her favorites unless my son ask specifically for that dish.

We all have our own guilt to carry with us each and every day. We can tell ourselves all we want not to feel guilty but we are still going to feel that way from time to time. Just like we will always fall back to the "would have, should have, could have's" from time to time. It is part of being a parent that has loved and lost their most precious people in their lives.

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Hi all,

Haven't posted in awhile, been here often. Still licking my wounds of Christmastime. How horribly lonely it felt even though my other daughter was with us, she felt it too. She said to me that maybe we should skip the holidays next year, I think she's right.

I totally understand the "I wish I hads...." but they will only drive you crazy. I agree that we all did the best we could do. I have to say that I'm glad that we don't know the day it's going to happen in advance. Can you imagine when you had your baby if they told you that you would only have her/him for 18,23,26yrs? How could you live with that. I would have been paralyzed with fear. We would have spent our lives preparing for that one day and we wouldn't have known our children the way we do. I feel blessed that I had Ashley with me for 18yrs. I would have given anything for longer, but it's not to be.

You're in my prayers, Dottie

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Ashleysmom,

I am so sorry for your loss - the emptiness of the holidays seems to magnify if that is possible the loss of my son Todd. You write,\"can you imagine\" knowing a certain date you will lose your child. I was told when my son was three months that I would lose him before the age to two. He had a congenital heart defect. I never accepted that I would lose him. I am wondering how other parents who have children born with medical conditions that are serious and have been told the same as I - how they cope - because I am not. Our priorities were always to consider Todd\'s limitations - deal with them, stress what he could do well without causing exertion and pray for a transplant. He was number one on the list at St. Paul\'s. The answer to my prayers. But he had a \"partner\" - she was a trained neo-natal nurse. In the beginning we were so happy he had found someone to love and be loved by. But then she got depressed -Todd\'s father, the person he loved the most, was murdered heinously. She became helpless - demanding to be supported by Todd - demanding he wait on her - she never cleaned nor cooked. She knew his medical condition and yet she never let up. We almost lost Todd Christmas 2003 - I got to be there to take care of him when he got out of the hospital. That is when I noticed she was alcoholic - I pleaded with her to take some care with him, I pleaded with Todd to let me help finanically - so he could rest til he got the transplant. I have such ugly feelings toward his partner - I feel so guilty that I did not just call spades spades but tried to keep things peaceful for Todd\'s sake. What in hell was I thinking - I am so stupid - she was so bizaare when he died - that is the only word that fits her actions. I was Todd\'s mother and I should have protected him. I am now profoundly deaf - there is no one to talk to - I do not sign. Todd was a loving giving person. A bright white light in a dark world. He never complained. I keep thinking if he had only slowed down he would still be here. I keep thinking what a blessing he was and had so much to offer the world and I wonder if there is a God. It\'s been three months since he left I don\'t remember writing before because of how I feel - it\'s not getting any better. I don\'t know what to do. There are so many strong loving people here who are doing positive courageous things. I feel I have failed Todd again.

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hello Toddsmom,

i wish to help you if i could to let go of some of your guilt if possible, it is eating you up. Todd loves you, he knows how you feel, that you love him, i am sure he never doubted it. It wasn't your responsiblility to get the partner straight, it wasn't something you could do and not something you should take on as your failing. It is sad that she became so demanding of your son, it is though what happened, and even if you were able to help Todd slow down and rest, it does not mean he would have made it.

As stated, we all feel some guilt, we are the parents afterall, how do we not feel like we failed somehow when our children were supposed to outlive us? I could spend the rest of my life beating myself up over the things i did wrong in ERica's life, including if i just would have kept her on the phone a bit longer perhaps she would have not been hit by the train...but if i spend my life replaying all of the what ifs? Well ERi would be mad that i did not live my best life. I guess that is my main point, it is our job to live our best life now, giving ourselves a break along the way,,,like today. You are only 3 months out on losing your boy and as i have said here before, three and four months were extremely hard for me, all of the loss is hard but those months were incredibly difficult, as though a veil of shock wore away and the hurt was more raw. I am 19 months out tomorrow from the day my daughter was struck by an Amtrak, and on the 14 th of the month, 19 months since she died. Life without Erica is now life for me, for her brother, her dad, all of her friends who are turning 21, she would have this April. Instead, eri is forever 19, and we have had to learn how to start each day taking small steps knowing she is alongside of us. So please, ease up on yourself, i am sure Todd would want you to give yourself care and time to digest this grief and then to go forward as best you can, little by little. Look for miracles along the way.

with love,

dee

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Ajgrisel,

My prayers are with you for the loss of your dear son, Ian.

This stage that you are in is so very difficult and agonizing,

as I don't have to tell you. It has been 20 mo. since my son,

Davey, died. I know that at the stage you are in now, I seemed

to be in a terrible "netherworld" of isolation and pain. Our

daughter's wedding was just 2 mo. after our tragedy, and I honestly

don't know how we all got through it. I remember very little about

it. I think a person in our place must be easy on themselves as

much as possible. I know that is so hard to do when you are so

blown away with grief. Please come back to this site. We all know

you're suffering and we understand. Peace be with you.

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