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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Justin K

Went to Heaven January 9, 2004

I can't believe it's been a year since I've seen Justin other than in photographs. Every single day I long to talk to him, touch him, hug him. I don't know how I have made it through a whole year without him. The pain has sometimes been unbearable. Christmas Eve was terrible when I came home and it was "in my face" he wouldn't be here Christmas morning this year for the first time in 15 years. New Years Eve was terrible when I realized it has been a whole year without him.

Justin,

Most friends and family have stopped mentioning your name. Very few still let me know they love you and miss you. Your Aunt D. gave us a beautiful stone for your grave that says how we feel.

A heart of gold stopped beating

Two shining eyes at rest

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best

You touched our life with your kind heart, humor, and love for 15 years. I will never forget you. I like to think of you in Heaven learning new things, creating a perfect, peaceful beautiful place for us to be together again one day. Until then........I love you always.

Mom of Justin

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MomofJustin: I wanted to reply to you to let you know that we are thinking of you and keeping you close in our hearts as you go through the 1st year mark of losing Justin. It's heart wrenching to realize that an entire year has somehow gone by without them and that we have survived. It's even harder to handle when our friends and family don't understand how very much we long for them to acknowledge our loss, our hurt, and our grief. I have been through 2 anniversary dates and each time, I hold my breath and wait for someone, anyone, to acknowledge the date somehow. I’m certain I’ll get a card in the mail or at least an email. I never do and it just about kills me. And so, I know how hard this is for you and I pray that you get the support you need. May God bless you and keep you.

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missingchris

Mom of Justin,

I still have 7 months before our son's Angel date. You're in my Family's thoughts and prayers as your date approaches. I can't imagine getting there myself. I dread it with all my soul. I hope you have at least one friend or family member that takes the time to let you know that they remember. May you get through the day with one special memory that gives you a little bit of happiness and peace.

Chris's Mom

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Here I am at midnight, unable to sleep, finding it impossible to believe that I have lost my second child. My oldest child, Michael, died 15 years ago on Aug. 1st, 1989. He was hit by a car while crossing the road. HE was 13 years old. On Dec. 19th, my youngest child, Mary Ellen, died as a result of a vehicle accident. She would have turned 22 on Jan. 16th. They both died on the same highway. I feel so paralyzed. I feel as though I am just waiting for \"the other shoe to fall.\" I have one son left; he has been in Afghanistan for the past 6 months. The Army is not sending him back.....they will keep him in the States. My daughter has a 4 year old son who knows he will never see his mommy again. His father and my daughter were seperated and he lived with us until Mary Ellen died. Suddenly he is in a new environment and I feel so sad for him and me. Now what????

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heartbrokendad

Dear EllenB,

As the father of two children who have both died way to soon, I can sympathize with you, Carrie died on 11/3/02, and Matthew on 7/16/03. I also have ason in the Air Force, who was just told to expect to go to Iraq soon.

If you want to talk, my email is swalton@mah.harvard.edu.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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DEBMAY11,

My heart aches for the people of Asia too, I really cried for the helpless children who drowned and the parents could not save them. What a painful way to die. I post on 16 year old's but I was touched by your post.

Mpundu's Mom

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Tiffany & Chris's Mom,

Thank you for acknowledging my post. It's nice to know someone out there is listening.

As I reflect on the last year without Justin I can see some really terrible changes that have affected my husband, daughter and myself. We have all three in different ways taken on some really destructive habits. My habit would be using over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I find I can't sleep without them now. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I think I'm going to try and focus on making us a healthier family in 2005. Somehow I will try and muster up some strength and start fixing what has slowly developed over the past year. I think we're at a fork in the road, so to speak. So really.......... what choice do I have?

I love you Justin

Mom

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Mother of Justin - I too feel we have to come to some kind of crossroads. It will be 15 months since Julie died. I'm not much on New Year's resolutions, but have secretly vowed (I guess now publicly) to be more positive in my approach to life and to try to help my husband in that respect. It's just so tiring this grieving process and I pray for strength each day to get through it. Peace to all.

Lynda (mother of Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03) love MOM

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It has been 17 months since Matthew died and I too found myself with some destructive habits. I turned to alcohol as a sleep aid. I had prescription sleep aids but I didn’t like the way they made me feel so alcohol was it. My husband began drinking too only he started with crown and 7 as soon as he got home from work. It took our 18 yr daughter, who has been a real handful herself, to wake us up. She sat us down and told us that she had never seen us drink like this and she was worried she also contacted our counselor and told her about our newly acquired habits and how I “wonder aimlessly all night if I don’t have a drink or to before bedtime”. I do sleep better now but I still have nights I wander.

I have gotten involved with Lifeshare, the organ donation agency here and I have begun speaking. This has given me a new purpose and new way of continuing Matthew’s significance in our lives growing.

Matthew's mom Mary

11/3/1979 - 7/13/2003

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Tiffany & Chris's Mom,

Thank you for acknowledging my post. It's nice to know someone out there is listening.

As I reflect on the last year without Justin I can see some really terrible changes that have affected my husband, daughter and myself. We have all three in different ways taken on some really destructive habits. My habit would be using over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I find I can't sleep without them now. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I think I'm going to try and focus on making us a healthier family in 2005. Somehow I will try and muster up some strength and start fixing what has slowly developed over the past year. I think we're at a fork in the road, so to speak. So really.......... what choice do I have?

I love you Justin

Mom

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Hello to everyone.

I have not been posting for awhile. I've just been too sad with the

holidays, as I know all of you are too. As someone said, I'm glad to

have the holidays behinds us for another year. I pray that all of us

can gain some strength this new year, and somehow go on, a day at a

time. Peace be with all of you.

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The new year coming has been extemely difficult. I thought I would be so relieved to see 2004 leave as it was the worst year of my life, losing Ashley. But I realized it would be the last year that I was able to hold and kiss and talk to my baby. This is truly the first year that Ashley will not be with me and it is so hard to face. There will be no memories in 2005 that will involve Ashley. Actually 2004 was one of the best years of my life until July 4th. Ashley was so happy. We all were. Did anyone else feel this way? I do thank God the holidays are over. I also pray for all of us to find some peace, hope and strength in the new year.

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Justins Mom, I know what you are going through as I am fastly gaining on the first anniversary of my daughter Jenn's Angel date of January 11. Tommorrow is the anniverary of the day she went in for to have her tonsils removed so even that date is hard. I am finding that it is getting harder to sleep over the past week even with the prescription sleeping pills. I am crying more often and it harder to get through each day.

What is keeping me going it knowing that she is looking down at me from heaven and seeing how sad I am. I know it makes her sad and I don't want that for her now that she is in a place where she can truly be happy. Your Justin probably feels the same way. We all need to find the strength somewhere deep inside of us to recover just a little bit of the happiness we had before our children left.

I will be volunteeing my services as a speaker for the Golden State Donor Services in honor of Jenn. I plan on telling her story and how her beautiful blue eyes are still looking out on this world through someone who could not see. By finding something to do to honor her I feel that I can make her happy and possibly find some peace in my life.

Good luck to you and don't give up. Our children still love us and are now with us always in our hearts!

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I lost my 23 year old son on March 5, 2003. I haven't been able to find anyone to talk to regarding this. Thank God I found this site. I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol (by a miracle) but only the good Lord above knows I wanted to and still do. My son accidentally shot himself in the head with his gun (he was drunk and was playing with his gun) when he wrecked and gun went off killing him. At least thats what we think happened. There are many questions that will never be answered regarding this. The inquest is finally going to be on the 27th of this month and I'm really not sure if I can go because not only are they going to be bringing up what happened when he died but also showing pictures. I know for a fact that I can't handle that. Does this make me a BAD MOM by not going? Someone please tell me

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To Nefertiti,

I hope you continue to come to this site & post. All of us here

know the pain of losing a beloved child, and understand your pain

and suffering. My son, Davey, (age 31--single) died just about 3

mo. after your son. His angel date is 06/14/03. He was killed by

a runaway semi truck where the driver fell asleep and crashed into

stopped traffic at 60 mph. As you know, it doesn't get much easier

as time goes by. I believe it would be entirely understandable if

you decided not to attend the inquest of you son's death. I am so

sorry for your loss. Peace be with you.

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To All-

It has been a while since I posted... and I am so sad to see all the new members. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that Beyond Indigo is a blessing. I lost my son three years ago (January 4, 2002) and I have been posting on Beyond Indigo for over two years. I believe it has been the tool that I reach for the most. We don't always post, but most of us read every day. Please know that we encourage you to share your thoughts, or just read, whenever you need to.

Peace to all, Tina

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Nerfetiti, it doen't make you a bad mom, as parents we are only very sad, full and pain, and completely confused during this time. The feelings of helplessness we all feel are at their highest when facing a moment such as an inquest. If you don't feel strong enough to attend then you need to do what you feel. I could never bring myself to go and get the police report after our son's death. There were a lot of rumors floating around, but we listened to the scanner that night and heard it all. We didn't know it was Kirk, but had a terrible feeling. I feel I know all that I could know about the accident and reading that report isn't going to change anything. There are parents that find out all they can, but there are those that don't. Either way is ok. Jim

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To All,

I am so glad the "Holidys" are over. The masks can come off. My first of many firsts I dreaded all of them and they are not over Johnny dates began 9/26 10/10 and finally 10/21 of this year. I have received so many calls from bill collectors asking for John.... faxing his death cert to all and repeating to the same callers. They have no mercy.

I have so many unanswerd questions so I have begun to search his medical records or at least part of them arrived which has now given me more questions. Guess not having them answered doesn't matter anymore John is gone to a better place and I am (we) are here left to feel all these feelings we never knew we had.

I have decided that I can not do and feel what everyone says I should do. I try to honor John's life a little everyday and posting on here is one of them.

It seems to have gotten harder to deal with. Does anyone get nighmares sine your loss. Peace is not found.

Nerfetiti: Do wnat you feel you need to. If you choose not to go it does not make you a bad mom...just a hurting mom.

In my case my son was in another state when the accident happend. We spent 14 days there before letting having to let him go.

Once i came home and all the arrangements were done, I began my search for answers. I will be in court for the trial of John's girlfriend, so i needed to know the whole story before writing the letter to the judge and standing by her at trial. Our lives has forever changed. Our love will never stop and I am so new into this I don't beleive the pain will ever go away. I feel as if is a cancer killing me everyday until I do die. It my be a short cancer or a long one only God knows.

Runningramma: Yes we have to live for our other children and slowly I am trying to do just that. I have 1 daughter left or family is not complete without John. We did the Christmas pictures by the tree and as i look at them some one is missing...... my John. I am sooooo glad the holidays are over.

TO All AGAIN

Peace and prayers to all.

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to all - I hope that this New Year's is bringing peace to all of you. To Nerfiti - you are not a BAD MOM. I did not look at either the complete police report or the bills from the hospital detailing procedures. It was just too painful and quite frankly, in my mind, did not change a thing. Our beautiful daughter was gone - to be 27 forever.

We finally gave away all of her clothes, except those I wanted, to a thrift shop several miles for here. That way her clothes will help the thrift shop's organization and those who shop there. There probably is little chance that I might "accidently" see someone in one of her outfits which was my fear if I donated her clothes locally. We still have all her books, music and personal mementos to go through. I really did expect to be further along in that process then we are.

Peace, Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03) love MOM

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HI EVERYONE, ITS BEEN MONTHS SINCE I LAST POSTED. YESTERDAY, JAN. 6, 2005 WAS THE VERDICT DAY FOR THE ACCUSED, CAUSING THE DEATH OF OUR ONLY CHILD, ROBERT HYLAND JR. ITS BEEN OVER 21 MONTHS,AND WE FINALLY HAVE THIS MAN IN JAIL WHERE HE BELONGS. HE WAS FOUND GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES,AND THE JUDGE REVOKED HIS BOND AND HAD HIM TAKEN AWAY IN HANDCUFFS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. WE GO BACK FOR SENTENCING ON JAN. 13TH. I AM PRAYING THE JUDGE WILL GIVE HIM THE MAXIMUM FOR ALL 4 CHARGES. THE VERDICT WAS QUICK, APROX 1 HR. ITS A HOLLOW VICTORY THOU, SINCE ROBERT WILL NEVER BE WITH US AGAIN. I HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET THRU THIS 4 DAY TRIAL, RELIVING THE DAY HE WAS KILLED SO HORRIBLY, AND LISTENING TO THE AUTOPSY REPORT. COMMENTS FROM THE WITNESS'S WHO TRIED TO HELP FREE HIM FROM THE VEHICLE ONLY HELPED ME TO KNOW HE WAS PROBABLY KILLED ON IMPACT. THIS MAN TRIED EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET AWAY WITH HIS DEED, LAST SEPT HE REQUESTED A HEARING TO HAVE ALL THE CHARGES DROPPED, CLAIMING HE WASN'T PROSECUTED IN A SPEEDY AMT OF TIME AND THAT HIS RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED. DURING THE TRIAL HIS ATTORNEY TRIED TO CONVINCE THE JURY THAT THE BLOOD TAKEN AT THE HOSPITAL WAS CONTAMINATED AND THEN THAT A BLOW OUT ON HIS VAN CAUSED THE ACCIDENT, AND THAT HIS CLIENT SHOULD NOT BE FOUND CULPABLE FOR THE DEATH OF OUR SON. I AM SO THANKFUL THE JURY UNAMOUSLY CONVICTED HIM ON ALL THE CHARGES. I HAVE FOCUSED FOR THE PAST 21 MONTHS ON GETTING THIS MAN BEHIND BARS, HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAKEN TO JAIL FOR NOT EVEN 1 HOUR. THE ACCUSED HAS ALL THE RIGHTS. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM. 21 MONTHS IS A LONG TIME TO GET ANY JUSTICE WHEN EVERYONE WAS AWARE OF THE FACTS AND THIS MAN WAS PERMITTED TO WALK AROUND FREE. OF COURSE THE ACCUSED COULD NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT THE ACCIDENT, SO THE DA COULD NOT EVEN CROSS EXAMINE HIM AT ANY LENGTH. HIS SELECTIVE MEMORY LOSS HOWEVER DID NOT CONVINCE ME OR THE JURY. I AM NOW AT A LOSS, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO FOCUS MY FRUSTRATION AND ANGER AT NOW. WITH THE TRIAL OVER AND THE MAN IN JAIL, & FRANKLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL BE DOING WITH MY TIME OR EMOTIONS. MAYBE EVENTUALLY I WILL FIND SOME SORT OF PEACE FROM THIS HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE. I STILL CRY EVERY DAY FOR THE LOSS OF MY CHILD, & I PROBABLY WILL CONTINUE TO CRY UNTIL THE DAY I AM NO LONGER ON THIS EARTH. PEOPLE TELL YOU IT WILL GET BETTER WITH TIME, WELL MAYBE FOR SOME IT MIGHT, BUT EVERYDAY FOR ME IS LIKE THE 1ST. I HAVE MANAGED TO WORK EVERYDAY THRU OUT THIS ORDEAL, & I VERY THANKFUL THAT I HAVE A UNDERSTANDING EMPLOYER WHO HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE THE TIME I NEEDED TO GET THRU ALL THIS. I AM PRAYING THAT GOD WILL GIVE ME SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON TO GET THRU THE REST OF MY LIFE. I NOTICED SOME OF YOU STILL POST AND READING YOUR COMMENTS FIND THAT WHEN WE LOOSE SOMEONE SO CLOSE TO US, TIME DOES NOT HEAL US THE WAY WE WOULD WANT, YES WE MANAGE TO GET THRU, BUT WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON WE WERE BEFORE OUR TRAGEDY. THOSE DAYS ARE LONG GONE. I WILL POST FROM TIME TO TIME JUST TO STAY IN TOUCH, AND APPRECIATE ALL THE REPLYS FROM CARING FRIENDS. ROBERT'S MOM, KAREN

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Since the holidays I have been having such a difficult time again. I look at Matt’s pictures and I cannot even phantom not ever seeing him again, not talking to him or hearing his laughter. It is making me crazy and it hurts so bad. Will it every get better? Will I ever be able to walk down the isle at the grocery store without a memory overload. Will we ever be happy again?

I’m beginning to understand that there isn’t some magical calendar with the answers. I use to wonder if I worked hard enough, read enough books or heard the right words the pain would get better. But that pain is always there.

It has been 17 long months I manage to work and function sort of, but my heart is in nothing. I feel like such a crappy mother to my other 3 children, they deserve so much more from me. I love them every bit as much as Matthew but the pain of the loss is so much greater than any joy the others bring right now. Will this ever change. God I pray it will.

Matthew’s mom Mary

11/3/1979-7/13/2003

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Donosmom,

We are at about the same stage of grief, and I feel the same as you

do. My son, David, died June 14, 2003, only a mo. before you dear

son. I find I get so weary of putting on the act that I am "o.k."

when people ask, although by this time no one asks much anymore.

As you say, the pain goes on, and reading etc. just delays the

feelings for a little while. I feel closer to all the parents who

post on this site than I do most of my family. Family seems to have

moved on & forgotten about David's death. I hope that you continue

to come to this site & read and post when you feel you want to.

Peace be with you.

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Donosmom, I know the feelings of inadaquecy when it comes to the other children, or child in our world. I had such a hard time dealing with her grief because my own seemed so unbearable for at least 3 years after Kirk's death. During this time she was beginning high school and having to deal with a bunch of total morons (teachers, counselor, and administrators) and kids that didn't want to acknowledge her pain. We were so angry at everything that I didn't feel we did her any good in the way we approached anything. We still feel that way at times almost 5 years later, but things are getting better and we are still very supportive of one another. At least we try. In the beginning it is such a game of unknown portions, no one has the answers, no one can make things better. In a lose such as we have experienced it is hard to be strong and try and make it better for everyone else. We just do our best and hope that eventually things will be better, and we try harder as time goes along and work at making each moment just a little less difficult for us and those around us. Jim

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To Donosmom

Your child and mine were almost the same age...Darcia was born 4-22-80 and died 5 days before Matt on 7-8-03. I am not sure when the pain eases or if it ever will but I know that I must go forward in order to live. I also have other children, 2 sons that need me to be the foundation of their lives as I have always been. I am raising Darcia's daughter and she looks just like her mother and her actions, smiles and temperment are so much like her as well. It is a bittersweet thing. I love her so much but sometimes the memories haunt me when I catch one of the little smiles so much like mom's. It is also hard sometimes when she calls me mom instead of nanny because she is still too young to understand the difference.

I am sorry that you have this terrible pain...this emptiness within your heart that can never be filled, I too feel incomplete and will never feel whole again until the day that I see her again.

My daughter would be so sad to see me this way and I know this in my heart and for that I truly try to be positive. It is very hard some days when you hear their favorite song and envision them dancing around the room to the beat or the other kids want you to cook what was their favorite food, or you try to go through family photos without shedding tears and having memories flooding your mind with the last time you went to the ocean together or received a card just because.

For you and the rest of us, I hope and pray that we can find some peace within ourselves and live life for our children.

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Just a thought on the question, will we ever be happy again. My husband and my daughter just got back last night from Curasou. It is an island under Aruba. My husband didn't really want to go but my daughter had the tickets. She and her boyfriend were supposed to go but they broke up a week before Christmas. I couldn't get the time off from work, so I talked my husband in to going even if it was just to keep her safe. They had a wonderful time and were able to reconnect. They looked so good when I picked them up at the airport. Prior to the trip, my husband was just swallowed up in grief. When they were away he was able to relax. What a change, they look so good. My heart was filled with joy just to see them looking so good. It's amazing to me the things that make me happy these days. The holidays were horrible but just after, I felt a little lift in my heart. We will have to face her birthday in April and I just can't imagine so for now it's about the little things. Peace to all and I pray we can all find a little joy in the little things, Dottie

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I want to thank all of you that responded to my post. Everyone of you said something that gave me that little bit of lift that I needed to take that next breath. I am trying so hard to stay in the now and to find and allow myself to feel the small joys that come to me. My youngest son is going to get married Oct 1 and we are so excited for him. I have a glimmer of hope that those joyeous days are to be found again, possibly having that bittersweetness to them but joy nevertheless.

I am so grateful for this site where I can be honest about where I am and how I feel, so many people think it would be better if we didn't talk about Matthew or that we are wallowing and it is really true that they just don't have a clue. I pray that they never do.

Thank you all

Matthew's Mom Mary

11/3/79 - 7/13/2003

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Dottie - it was good for me to hear that you husband and daughter looked refreshed after their trip. My husband and I are leaving in a week for vacation and the one thing I hope this trip accomplishes to help us to find some peace and to become refreshed. I know that pain will always be there but we need to re-group and I hope by being away for awhile we will come back with some sort of healing.

Mary congratulations on the upcoming wedding of you son. The happy times are bittersweet. When our son was sworn in as an attorney his first words were "she (his sister) didn't get to see me do this". They were very close. But I know she was with him and I know that she was very proud of his accomplishments as he was of hers.

Peace, Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03) love MOM

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January 9, 2004.......... I was standing beside my son's hospital bed knowing that within a short period of time it would be the last time I would see him breathe. The pain I felt was gut wrenching, and undescribable. It was all like some surreal nightmare happening right before my eyes. How could I say goodbye to my only son? My son who brought so much joy, and love to our lives. My son that overcame many, many medical obstacles in his 15 years wouldn't survive this time. He was so courageous throughout everything he went through just to live. And he was courageous when he passed on.

After he was gone the next few days were filled with that shocking grief of knowing you have to go through all of the motions to bury your child. Justin gave me one more gift from beyond that I would like to share.

The day after his burial he came to me in a dream. It's the only dream/vision I've had of him, and somehow I think it is the only one I will get. He showed me he was at his funeral visitation. Showed me exactly where he was sitting in the funeral home. Later when talking to our minister I told him that I saw Justin in a dream. Before I said anything else our minister told me exactly where he had also seen Justin at the funeral home and where he was sitting. I believe I got one of the greatest gifts a grieving parent can receive. I got a clear message that Justin was okay where he was now. He showed me this. I will hold on to that message. Even though I can't physically see him anymore he is okay.

I love you Justin forever

MOM

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Hello Everyone,

I hpe there is some peace in your lives now that the holidays have passed. I began to feel some peace on jChristmas day, it is the time building up to the event that are most disturbing to me. THe actual day still holds magic and meaning though of course with a sadness to it that i imagine will always be present. I am grateful however, to have had times when ERica's peace just fills me and let's me know that she is wonderfully free. I will always miss her, she knows this iam sure, but we do go forward, and while we never will be who we were, we are more than who we were, we are parents who know the full extent of love and sacrifice. Just think of how we changed when we first became parents...imagine all the changes we have traveled as they grew up in all the ways they did. We are here for many reasons, and one of them is to understand and give our hearts to others who need us. Who better to know how to give our hearts?

love and joy do still exist,

dee

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Wanda,

so many times i was in such despair and i came here to voice my heartache, and you helped me in your sharing of your heart. Many parents here have helped me and i feel this an invaluable resource. Not that anyone should feel this pain, but we do and so...we share and support and love.

thanks for your words,

dee

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MomofJustin,

Thank you for sharing that beautiful dream you had of Justin. This

year at Christmas, we scaled down our decorations as far as a tree

goes, and bought a sm. 3 ft. fiber optic tree which we placed on a

lamp table that included photos of Davey. It had been up a week or

more, when after Christmas I noticed that when the lights were flashing,

there was a reflection on Davey's 8 x 10 picture, and it lit up on

the picture right on his chest where it looked as though his heart was

beating. This so warmed my heart that although the rest of the decorations

have been taken down, the tree is still there. I turn on the lights

each night so I can see Davey's heart. It tells me he is well & happy.

As many of the people coming to this site have said---"we look for joy

& comfort in the little things". Peace be with everyone here.

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Hi ,I was reading about the dreams some of you have had of your children. I had one about a month ago that was so real... it was comforting but disturbing at the same time. I was walking in the mall, hardly anyone was there. i see these three girls up ahead of me holding hands. I could not take my eyes off of them so I hurried up to them and they all turned around and smiled at me. THEY were all three Kristen but at different ages in her life. One was of her about 5-6 yrs of age. her hair and dress the same as I remember. the other kristen was about 11-12 yrs of age and the oldest was her before she died. I completely freaked in my dream and hugged them and kept asking how this could be. I think I woke up from the emotion and that is all i remember. bizarre.

I also had an experience where i felt her presence about 4 months after her death and for a while it gave me some comfort so I begged her to do that again and she never did , so now I wonder if it was all my imagination, even tho it was so real.

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The night my stepson passed away,as I was falling asleep I asked him to show me where he was.the next thing I knew I was seeing the most beutiful scenery and then he was with me,I couldnt see him but felt him,he showed me these huge buildings like temples and towers that were whiter than white with lights so bright you couldnt look at them.We came to the biggest temple of them all and he said to me"check it out,thats where God lives",just the way he said it I knew he was with me.I then asked him who he was with and I saw people steping into a doorway one by one.I saw his grandpa ,who I knew and a short man I knew was his other grandpa,then I saw some ladies I didnt know,then I saw a very big man and then a huge guy that took up the whole doorway.When I told his mom about this she said the big guy had to be his uncle and the huge guy was his godfather.This was more like an experence than a dream,I know I was there and so was he.I will never forget it.All I did was ask and he came to me,try it.

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StarlaK,

What a beautiful dream---of your dear daughter, Kristen, who appeared

at different ages. I believe that if you FEEL something---feel it

emotionally, then it is real. I have felt the same as you---wondering

whether I imagined something or if it was a dream or wishful thinking.

I like to think that I have experienced a spiritual connection with

my son Davey, whenever I have a dream or some kind of a message.

These are nearly always brief and vague, but there is that "feeling"

so it is real to me. I am so glad to hear that many of those coming

here have dreams or spiritual connections with their beloved children.

As with many of you, in my dreams of Davey, he is always happy and o.k.

These dreams help us, I believe.

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Nefertiti, I have not written on here for awhile. I come and read others postings though. I am sorry about the loss of your son. I also lost my son 33 on 7/24/03. He was born however, on March 5th 1970. when your son passed away. I will have you in my thoughts and heart that day as it will be your son's lst anniversary and it will be my son's birthday. He would be 35. I miss him so and I know your feelings mirror mine. The pain and sadness are always there. We just have to believe we will be with them again someday until that time hold on to those memories! God Bless missingjohn

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Missingjohn,

You spoke of memories of our dear departed children. This is the

one thing that we can never lose, so it is indeed important to

hold onto these memories. I cherish my memories of my son, David,

and also any dreams I may have of him. Your son died about 6 wk.

after my son (6/14/03), so we are at about the same stage, timewise.

I feel I have made a very small measure of progress in my grief. I'm

sorry for your loss, and pray for all of us here in this site where

no one ever wants to be. Peace be with you.

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Peace to all,

TonightI read all postings on this site. I am in awe with the srength and encourging words of all of you. Johnny has been gone for a little over three momnths yet it seems like forever and today. As I write this Iam in his old room on his old bed. Things here in my home has gotten worse(as it possible could) I never mention to you that 1/2 of my family walked out of my life 8 days after John's funeral. And last week my husband ( John's step dad) says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. My home our home as my safe place. Husband says he wants me to get better not cry so much John wouldn't want that. I know this but tears flow automatically. I work from home self employed I feel like I can't grieve as I need to. I know it hurts my husband that he can't fix it but it has only been 3 months. He has not lost anyone close to him parents are still here and so are his children. I have been leaving the room when I begin to cry. He doesn't understand not all the tears are sadness Johnny brought so much life and love to our lives and I do think of happier times too. I need to find peace. I don't know if i will ever find peace in Johnny's death but I know i need to find peace some where some place.

Is it OK to be mad at God? Is it OK to wonder if there is a heaven? Why our faith has to tested by our children I will never know. As i read all of your stories felt your pain in my heart i kept thinking how do you do it..How do you go on when we eally don't want to face the day. Losing John made me realize how quick life changes although it changes every day and until something like this happens you really don't notice it. I find all of you so strong with so much faith how did you not lose that faith?

Today I spoke with the DA that is proscuting John's girlfriend. He was supportive of my descion not to put her in jail. As it stands he will be asking for probation, community service (talking to highschool kids about drinking and driving, and what happened to John. He can not speak on behalf of the judge but he thinks the judge will do it. If she fails any of the mandated acts of probation she will end up in jail....

Many attorney's want to take on my son case but at this point i am pulled as far as I can be pulled. I am not sure if I will do anything I don't think I can handle much more..no i know I can't. One day at a time I keep telling myself..All of you posts have been a great help to me and I want to thank all of you and thanks for truly understanding.

Missing John "my hero" 3/22/82 - 10/10/04

How do you know our children are angels in heaven?

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heartbrokendad

Dear JCSMOM,

Its nice to read a note from you, not nice to hear about all the crap your going through.

I also have a "wife" who was not my childrens mother, she has no clue what I or any of us here are going through, and if it wasnt for the fact that this house is also my safe haven from the world, I would have been long gone from her and her un-careing family.

Its normal to be angry with god, this has really opened my eyes as to whether or not there even is a god. I believe that we are here until we get it right, and that we all meet after we die and talk about what we did while here, and what we need to do to become a better soul and how we can change. I also believe that we pick the life we are in, and that we have met all the people we love before, and that we will see each other again when we die. There are some very interesting books on the subject, one is The Journey of Souls, and another is the Destiny of Souls. Author is Dr. Newton I think his first name is Michael.

AS for how "I" survive...I dont know, I just try and keep as busy as I can, and right now I am fighting back tears....this happens often mostly at night when I am laying in bed trying to sleep...hahahaha sleep....thats a joke.

I did have my first visitation so to speak....I was in a converted school in Concord Ma. It is now an artists building, painters, jewelry makers, sculptors. etc etc. I was in a room with a woamn who was makeing tapestries, wall hangings, and all of a sudden, I knew my children were here in the room with me....I even looked to a spot near the ceiling where I felt they were. It was wonderful, and I strted to cry...I was so happy, that they wrer still around ,you know?

I couldnt understand however, why I would feel them there, they never lived in the town, and I never brought them there.

I called my son Christopher, and asked him if his mother had ever brought them to this place...Dad he said, she would bring us to Concord so she could see her boy friend, and we would go to this place and play..it was a "drop in" center then for kids....he said they had some of the best times growing up there.

So if you wonder if our kids are in "heaven", they are wherever they want to be. If they can get through our pain to tell us they are ok, they will, and they will keep trying until they do get through

Sorry for such a long and rambling note, but I hope it helps you...

To quote a famous fish..."keep on swimming"

LOve and peace to you, and keep on swimming.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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I have just stumbled onto this site and don't know how to proceed. My son Ian, 11/10/86 was killed in a car accident on 12/22/04. He left on a trip with two friends on 12/17/04 and was on his way home when he and his best friend were both killed. He walked out the door that Friday night, said " Bye, Mom. I love you." I never saw him or talked to him again. I was in the hospital with my older son, who suffers from Cystic Fibrosis, when I got the phone call about the accident, at the time I was told he had been in an wreck and was in hospital in another state and that was all. I spent the next two hours calling police and highway patrol and hospitals. Ian had no ID with him and so no one would tell me anything. Eventually, a police officer called me back to tell me my son was dead. I thought I had faced what it would mean to lose a child as my older son was born with CF and I was told at the time he would'nt live to be 5 years old. He is 22 and now awaiting a lung transplant. I was so wrong. I had no idea what this was like. I am so lost now. I cannot breathe. And everyday I face the loss of my older child as well. I get up, I function, but not really. I am mute with pain. I cannot begin to express what is going on in my head and my heart. I just want to be still and very quiet. Maybe then it cannot find me.

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ajgrisel - I am so sorry for your loss. My 27 year old daughter died 10/13/03. She too was returning from a trip, was out of state and had no ID on her. It was only 5 hrs. after she was expected home that we realized something terrible was wrong. My prayers are with you and your family. What you are feeling, can't breath, function minimally is so normal. May you find peace. Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03)

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Thanks Stu an Gramma.I don't want or expect pity from anyone I do a pretty good job on my own. As all us on this sight we never thought this would happen to us much less to even know how deal with all the emotions we never knew we had. My home isn't that safe place anymore so I will move on. God's will for me you and eveyone here what is it? Has he showed you?

As each day comes I think oh God what is today going to bring me. It just seems since the accident everyday more bad things to have to deal with when there are so many things not done yet.

ajgrisel: i am so very sorry for your loss. All of us here KNOW what you are going through. My son had ID on him but they still listed him as unidentifed man he was in another state. His band on his arm said GG Doe. As I write this my heart breaks for all us us and yet I thought nothing else could break it again....I stand corrected. Love to all

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Thanks Stu an Gramma.I don't want or expect pity from anyone I do a pretty good job on my own. As all us on this sight we never thought this would happen to us much less to even know how deal with all the emotions we never knew we had. My home isn't that safe place anymore so I will move on. God's will for me you and eveyone here what is it? Has he showed you?

As each day comes I think oh God what is today going to bring me. It just seems since the accident everyday more bad things to have to deal with when there are so many things not done yet.

ajgrisel: i am so very sorry for your loss. All of us here KNOW what you are going through. My son had ID on him but they still listed him as unidentifed man he was in another state. His band on his arm said GG Doe. As I write this my heart breaks for all us us and yet I thought nothing else could break it again....I stand corrected. Love to all

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Heartbrokendad,

Your advice to JCSMOM is exactly how I feel about my Spirits' journey. Thank you for taking the time to express your inner truth... It felt good to hear another grieving parent speak such truth about life after death. It also made my heart smile to hear how open you were to your childrens' presence in a place where they spent "good" times. You are wise.

Peace to you, Tina

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Ajgrisel,

Please know how sorry I am for your loss. Please also know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your son in the hospital. My...I wish there was something I could do. I pray that you have supportive people around you- to just listen and help out as you move through time.

My son crossed over 3 years ago (Jan 4, 02) at the age of 19. I was numb for a good year. My second year was pure disbelief wrapped up in painful awareness. Through my third year I have learned that I am going to have to live life with the pain and make the best of it.

Your situation is much different than mine. However, I want you to know that the parents on Beyond Indigo are very supportive and understand your pain. Please feel free to share your anger, sadness, or whatever emotion you feel like you need to share.

Peace to you, Tina

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To Runningramma, thank you for your response. It seems unreal that everyday is now filled with disappointment. I have yet to see hope or feel John's presence. I need to know he is OK, not just hope for it. The day he left to Iowa he called me to say goodbye. (He and Shannon were thinking of going back there to begin their new life).

Shannon had not been in contact with her mother for several years. When John mentioned this to me I thought how sad she and her mom haven't spoken to one another for years. I couldn't imagine that. John was close to all his family even in bad times.

Anyway I thought it was talk until he phoned me the day he was leaving. My heart sunk he said he had to leave to straighten out his life. I asked him do you love her enough to leave all you love and love you his answer was yes. I wanted to beg him to stay but he was an adult and I thought I need to let him grow. I wanted to see them off but he begged me not to go he said "mom if I see you I won't be able to go please don't come so I didn't.....

He did phone me when he arrived there(still have mess on answering machine). I spoke to him 12 hours before the accident he was happy in love looking forward to his new life.

I know this is way to long but now I will get to my point. Shannon emailed me the other day and said she now knows why God brought them back there. She said it really bothered my son that she had no contact with her mother (she is in only child) John had such a strong sense of family and we were very important in his life mainly me, the she beleives John took her home to her mother her family where she needed to be. As the tears ran down my face reading that I thought to myself God had John take you home so God can take my John.

I had a very hard time with that email but as I read it over and over yes her mom has her daughter back..If the table was turned i would want my daughter back too.

I know what my son and had all the way until his last breath. As he struggled his last breaths i told him it's OK to go Johnny I will be OK and not long after that he left. I lied I am not OK...I couldn't watch him suffer anymore. I guess i can be thankful for my short time with him in that hospital.

Thanks for hearing my pain and your kindness.

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To JCSMOM

First, I am so sorry that you have to feel the pain and anguish that you do. I sat with my daughter in the hospital for three days watching her life and energy ebb slowly away. It was so hard to watch her not knowing whether she could hear or even understand what I was saying. She never regained conscienceness and did not have enough brain activity to sustain life. She was on life support for the entire time. I didn't even have the strength to tell her it was ok to let go. I just wanted her back. I think you showed great strength in allowing his need to surpass you own. After three days, her body couldnt stuggle anymore and I was devastated.

For months I "would have, should have, could have'd" myself to death. How I wanted to turn back the clock and start the day again.

But today I know that my child would be very sad if I did not at least try to move forward. So I try each day to find something good. I can only do it day by day and if I have a tough day, I start fresh the next. I can't go back because yesterday is lost to me forever and tomorrow never comes for when it does it is today. So I must live in today.

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Brin3d, God you too know this horrfic pain I am so sorry for you and all who post here. I was selfish but only because I listened to the trauma team doctors. He was in that hospital for 14 days. On the flight out there I knew in my heart he was gone, but when I saw him in ICU and spoke to trauma team doctors they said oh he is young and strong he will wake up my hopes soared. He had major head trauma but not one thing was done to his head. Lungs, broken leg, arm cuts on his face. As I talked to him held him trying to get him to respond even a small response nothing. Then on the 4th day the posturing began brain swelling. Hence nero team was called for the 1st time. For four days his brain swelled and had no where to go. Anyway, they doc's said he was not brain dead and that he still had actitvy to his brain so it was not ethical to let him go. So as each day went by he just got worse with infections, mind you he had never woke up nor move he just layed there except for the posturing. The nero team did not to any barin wave tests they said it wasn't necessary since the brain showed activty because he was using the foley.Within 48 hours after the accident John was off all pain killers and seditives and still did not wake up. This nightmare began 9/26 and when it was determined "Ethical" to let him go it was beacuse he had 4 infections that werent responding to the meds. The last infection was in his blood stream. That is when they allowed us to give him comfort care which began at 11:am or so on 10/09 he left or world 10/10 @ 2:30p.m. So you see I was selfish I should have fought harder for him to leave this world. He would have beed a donor but since he was so infected he couldn't do it. My son would have wanted to help other people we had spoke of this many times. I was very ill at one point in my life and John knew if it wasn't for donated plasma, blood etc I would not have lived. I am very angry with God for making me make the decesion I kept asking God if yo want just please take him stop the suffering, well he did not do that I gave my son life in a hospital and i had to take it away. Just doesn't seem fair or just.

Do you mind telling or can you speak about your daughter? Again I am so very sorry man those words are just not enough. Thanks for letting me vent.

Loving my John

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Ajgrisel, I wish I had the words to say to make it all better for you, but there are none. You are facing such a tremendous journey, not only because of the death of Ian, but also for what you are facing with your older son who suffers with CF. I will be praying that the lung transplant happens quickly and is a huge success.

I know how you feel about the loss in a way because the same thing happened to us when our son died. He left the house that night with an "I love you" and it was the last time we were with him. It was such a blur after that.

We all suffer such an emotional change and our lives seem like they will never see the light of day again. The darkness starts to take over in the beginning and it is only through a very hard struggle that we are able to move forward in our lives without our kids.

None of us know how to proceed in the beginning, it is a trial and error movement. Just putting one foot in front of the other seems to be a huge task.

We take one step forward just to take 5 steps back in our grief. The beginning takes a huge toll on us.

Just be there for your older son, it has to work out for the best, it will work out for the best as far as he is concerned. You have too much emotional strain on you right now. I won't say it will get better in time because you are still in limbo about your older son, but I can tell you this is a good place to come and just write and vent about what is going on in your life. There are really good people here. Jim

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JSCMOM

Today I can talk about my daughter. Some days are better than others. Her name was Darcia. She died because of a single car accident on a beautiful day with clear roads, etc.

We went to the local celebration for the 4th of July and watched the parade together as a family and spent the day together. It was one of the few days that she was not stressed. She was enjoying herself watching her daughter learn to walk in the field where the booths were set up. I took photos of them that day not realizing it would be the last ones I took of her. The next morning she left the house to go do some errands and we were supposed to go get a birthday cake when she got back. We had waited until Sat to celebrate my birthday. She never made it back. She lost control of the vehicle on a curve and hit a telephone pole on the driver's side door. Her head impacted so hard that she sustained severe head injuries. She was airlifted to the hospital where they were wonderful to us. They tried everything possible to bring the swelling under control. It wasn't enough. They did all three tests prior to declaring her brain dead. The nurses that took care of her made me a plaster handprint in a heart-shaped mold so I could always have it. We never talked about organ donation so that was something my sons and I had to decide so we decided to do that so another family might be spared the grief we shared. It was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make. The second was to have her cremated so she would always be home with me. We never discussed these things. It didn't seem like a necessity. I consider myself fortunate that I have my other children for many don't have that. I also have my 2 year old granddaughter that I am raising. Many of the children never had the chance to know the joy of having their own child. My daughter was able to experience that unconditional love of a child. For that I am grateful. I am also grateful that she was able to graduate, go to her prom, have a first love, and travel.

I miss her each and every second of eternity.

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