Jump to content
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×

My son is dead to me.....................yet still alive

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I'm not coping very well at all.

I lost him emotionally when he was aged ten.

I went though a long emotional grief process.

He returned at 15 and I never felt happier. It only lasted a few months, then he was off again. I recognised the same, intense feeling of that loss all over again. The pain became too much, and to make it easier, I let him go, much to the dismay of my family. They didn't understand. Only *I* had lost him once before, not them. How do you explain that you are grieving for a child that is not even dead?

It is now 8 years on, he's 24. At 15, I shut him out of my life, avoided him, acted at though he was no longer here, to stop the pain. Regardless of that, people speak about him, what he's been doing, how he is, or more to the point, how he isn't. He's a drug addict. THat's the first time I've put him in the present tense. I've usually said 'he was', 'he did' etc. What confusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEVER ENDING CONFUSION IN MY HEAD.

H'es alive ...................but dead. And dead............but alive.

Every time he is mentioned, I'm hit with that almighty shock of it all.

Why can't I accept he is one or the other?

Dead or alive?

THe one way relationship with my son is intolerable, but so it is if I were to avoid him.

Writing all this may relieve some of my pain. That's my hope anyway.

No one should suffer like this, but I guess that's life, eh

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

I have lost all the members of my family, some through death, some don't even want to talk to me anymore.  I have no friends or family.  If anything ever happened to my husband or me there would be nobody who would even care.  I just lost a dear pet and not one person even cared. It seems so sad to have nobody to talk to about this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

For veryverysad~ My advice for you would be that you get some intense therapy. There are so many people there to help you. For example, Nar-Anon helps the loved ones  of suffering addicts. You will find that you are among people that know EXACTLY how you feel at any given moment.

Also, continue to come here and get support. The death of a child is NOT a place that you want to find yourself drowning in.

God Bless you~



Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

Veryverysad, I'm a kid who grew up in just that situation, and I know firsthand what it's like. I don't discuss the details in public much, but I was a teenage mess. I also became a dad very young - too young. My daughter Jenni was abducted and killed in '96. I'm still trying to sort out that trauma. I guess what I want to say is that there is always hope, and that losing a child, whether by death or heroin's deception, is about as painful as life can be. But, I always keep in mind that Jenni can't ring my phone just to say hi. My prayers and hope rest with you that all turns out best - and to close this positively, I've been clean for nearly thirty years.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

VeryVerySad, I second what Mark has said... there is always hope, even if it seems the longest shot ever.  There obviously has to be a time of letting go, and hopefully in time, there will be a miracle, like what happened for Mark.  He is not the only person who has come through a terrible time of addiction.  You have to do what you have to do in the meantime.  But I pray you don't thoroughly give up on this side of life.  Miracles do still happen.  I'm so sorry for your pain...  -Claudia

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

this is so hard, I usually post on the "loss of a parent" but I read what you wrote and I can relate. I lost my mom 6 months ago and ever since then my family and I have almost no contact. I have a brother who has always had issues and I know in the past he did cocaine (not sure if he does anymore) but he's always looking for a fight. He ounce tried to attack my husband because he asked him to turn the light back on in the kitchen, he has stolen alcohol from my home, he never notices my 2 yr old son.  I took care of my mom for almost a yr in my home and never ounce said your doing a good job or what can I do to help. he's so selfish. Its strange becuase at the same time I miss him. I remember when we were young he would always make me laugh. I feel like until he fixes himself theres no way I can let him be a part of my life.  I also feel the same as you...... kitylady, if something ever happend to my husband I would be very alone, I think about that all the time. Its frightning. I had a miscarriage about a month ago and my brother and sister never reached out to me and my other brother just put a card in the mail. It makes me so upset, I'm not only missing my mom but missing the family unit I used to be a part of. I miss feeling safe a secure. my heart goes out to all you (((( HUGS)))))

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Administrators

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members


m very sorry what you are going through and I know if your mother was a live none of these things would be happening.You need to do what is best for yourself you only have one life so you need to live it the best you can. Best of luck,

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.