Jump to content
-->
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×

My beloved wife died in my arms, with no warning


her_chrissy

Recommended Posts

  • Members

 

27 minutes ago, her_chrissy said:

 I don't want time because time moves her further from me. 

I completely agree with you. I hate time goes without him. I think to myself  'how did I even live a month without him?'

However, though I hate to hear people saying "it will take time" because they don't know what they are talking about (I don't believe they understand my pain) but I hope they are right. How can anybody live with this sort of pain?

Having said that, I do exactly the same thing you do. All of his stuff are exactly at the same spot in case he comes back. His cell phone (I charge it everyday) ,his wallet, his clothes...

Thank You for sharing. Your post made feel like I am not alone in this. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Quinn T.

I’m also 34 and I lost my husband in front of me in a construction accident while building our home together.  It happened 11/21/21 and all I can say is that I feel your pain.  I understand how unbearable it feels.  I understand what it’s like to relive it all a million times and have a thousand questions you’ll never have answers to.  I don’t have any advice, but you aren’t alone no matter how lonely you feel.

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
8 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

I'm not looking for answers. Just a little company.

Good because we don't have any...but we are here to listen if you want.  I am very sorry for your loss, those words sound trite, but let me assure you, they are not, for all of us here have been through it.  To me the crying shame is that you are both so young...that breaks my heart for you.

This is what I've found has helped me or others on my 16 1/2 year journey, not a one size fits all, no order to it as our timetables, etc. are all unique.  What strikes you now may be different on down the road.  Just things to consider as you make your way through this...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

6 hours ago, Kay2021 said:

How can anybody live with this sort of pain?

It's been 16 1/2 years for me...I didn't see how I could live a week without him!  IDK except one day turns into another...

7 hours ago, Kay2021 said:

I hold the shirt he was last wearing

I kept his bathrobe and it's hanging on the door still, I wrap it around me and for a brief moment, I feel him...

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, her_chrissy said:

time is what is scaring me the most.

I CANNOT look at the whole "rest of my life" as I was facing 40 years without him, it's too much to even think about, I HAVE to do "one day at a time" in the early days an hour or minute!  I tell myself, I can do today.  No matter how hard it is...I do today.  My puppy helps tremendously as he gives me incentive, I need to be here to take care of him.  I pretty much live my life alone since Covid, no more ladies groups, grief groups, even church gets canceled.  I don't think those who are married have any clue what this aloneness feels like.  it's hard to do.

  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
William M

This all sounds so familiar. My wife was off for the week of thanksgiving, this last Nov, I also took the week off to help her with getting the big meal going and getting the Christmas stuff all pulled out for the upcoming Holidays.. It was Sunday night and Monday was to be our first day off work. We had a lot planned for the day, and so many plans for the whole week. We got our Large favorite Chicken Tender sub from Publix to split that Sunday night. I ate my half, and she wanted to wait until her puppies were asleep to eat her half. Later that night she had pains in her chest, .and got sick, but she decided to lay down on the couch and wait for it to pass before going to the Emergency room  (yeah regrets!)  She died an hour later of apparent cardiac arrest. I Called 911 and attempted CPR until the police arrived and took over for me. My life ended with hers in a instant. A lightening bolt shot through my body and I felt my body go limp. Weeks of non stop crying began. later that morning  I went to the fridge  for a soda for my Son that had rushed across the State through the night to get there to me. I then saw her half of the sub still sitting there, never have being eaten. ( crying now as I type) I lost it .She never even got her meal we were craving that night.  I can't describe to you how I felt as I finally pulled her half of the sub from the fridge and dropped it into the trash bin.  Devastated!!!!!!!!!!!!

Several family arrived but as I was surrounded by many, I was at the same time utterly alone, I was the last person on  Earth, only able to talk to myself within my head, as no one there could possible understand. Like they were separated from me in another dimension

'

  9 hours ago, her_chrissy said:     " I don't want time because time moves her further from me. "

Wow, I posted almost the exact statement a few weeks back. One of my first fears was time.    30 years into the future is a life time. The thought of being 30 years into the future and it being that long ago, since I last saw, kissed, touched, or spoke to my wife was and still is horrifying.  (Crying again :-(  ) 

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
her_chrissy
8 hours ago, Quinn T. said:

  I don’t have any advice, but you aren’t alone no matter how lonely you feel.

Thank you for sharing our stories together Quinn, and thank you for being here now with us. I read your story already in another post and it's truly horrifying. It has given me small comfort to remember that my wife was not alone at the end, and that we were having a nice day together. And to think how much worse it would have been if I wasn't beside her, wondering always if there would have been something I could have done. Though you being with your husband at the end has given you unimaginable trauma, you were spending his last moments on each other, and your home. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
her_chrissy
1 hour ago, KayC said:

I CANNOT look at the whole "rest of my life" as I was facing 40 years without him, it's too much to even think about, I HAVE to do "one day at a time" in the early days an hour or minute!  I tell myself, I can do today.  No matter how hard it is...I do today.

Thank you for all of your kind words and support Kay. It's clear that you've been an incredible rock for people on this forum. And thank you for your list of grief ideas, though I noticed them yesterday and copied them immediately already. 

I never understood the words 'one day at a time' until now. Thinking about or planning a future without her is devastating. I'm trying to give myself that as well, that I can only do today and focus on small things that will help. She'd want me to be here still, and present and caring for our 4 cats we raised together.

I find it's difficult to not torture myself wondering what I should be doing better that would honour her memory, and make me feel closer to her in these moments. Should I be writing everything down? Everything I remember? I'm terrified of forgetting or losing anything.

  • Like 2
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
her_chrissy
1 hour ago, William M said:

This all sounds so familiar. 

 

William. This is hauntingly similar to what I've just been through. I'm so terribly sorry for this. I certainly relate to those deep, aching regrets thinking about if I could have just taken her to the hospital earlier when she was complaining of the pain. Now, everyday I wake up I have this throbbing, relentless pain in my own chest. Everything was normal and nice, then violently pulled out from under us in an instant, with no way of going back or undoing it. 

When I read about you throwing out the sub, I felt that loss you must have experienced. Taking a painful step to move further from the day that's playing over and over in your head. I was unable to throw away her food. I froze it and don't know how I'll ever get there. 

Thank you for understanding and relating to my mention of time, and the fear that comes with it. I'm desperate to slow everything down, even though it's so much more painful. I can't let my mind think about 30 years, let alone 30 days having not held each other. This is by far already the longest we've been apart for 7 years. I'm here for you and with you in this my friend. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
William M

I've read elsewhere that you have a freezer full of Holiday food. We really do seem to have a lot of commonality happening here. I lost My wife on Nov 22, and she had just bought all the food for Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  I froze it all planning to skip the Holidays, but later pulled some out as my Son and his wife came in from out of town for Christmas day. I had already given away the ham, but made a couple of our traditional  side dishes. A pan of Southern baked Mac and cheese, and a pan dressing ( a stuffing like cake with shredded chickens)  This was a 2 person job that we always did together.  I had to stumble along doing it alone shedding tears of course.   My Son and Daughter in law are on special diets right now, and brought there own meal. So the sides all went to me. I had a couple helpings and had to throw the rest away. Unfortunately I only know how to make these in large pans, and had to through most of it away. I will have to learn to cook for just me  :-(     There still several bags of shredded cheese in the freezer that didn't get used. I also found lots of Hamburger she had purchased on sale in the freezer.  I'll make me a big lasagna when I've finished the diet I've started.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 1/6/2022 at 7:26 AM, William M said:

She never even got her meal we were craving that night. 

That's how I felt when I came home from the hospital after losing my husband and saw his favorite casserole I'd made for him for what was supposed to be my weekend with my sisters while he was to go boating with friends...that never happened.  And he never got to touch his favorite meal...

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing, we know it well, too well, I wish it were not so.  :(

On 1/6/2022 at 8:23 AM, her_chrissy said:

I never understood the words 'one day at a time' until now.

I know, right!  It has become my mantra, never had to do life this way before.

 

On 1/6/2022 at 8:23 AM, her_chrissy said:

what I should be doing better that would honour her memory

It'll come to you in time, no rush, you have enough just getting up and getting dressed and maybe eating something/drinking water...that's en

 

ough right now.  That the gov't and businesses require so much from us during loss is very wrong, just when we least are up to it!  (Dealing with soc sec, banks, insurance, etc.)

On 1/6/2022 at 8:23 AM, her_chrissy said:

Should I be writing everything down?

Maybe keep a journal so your thoughts are there, even if a jumble, you can refer back to it later.  I kept one for a  long time but eventually disposed of it because I didn't want my kids reading it when I die (I'm getting old, you think of these things).  An option would be writing it on your PC and PW protecting it.

 

7 minutes ago, William M said:

This was a 2 person job that we always did together.

That is so hard.  :(

8 minutes ago, William M said:

I will have to learn to cook for just me 

Another option is to put portions in the freezer or refrigerator, I do this, don't have to cook so often or waste food. 

BTW, I love this recipe as it is for one person (I sometimes eat half, save the rest for later)  Very quick and easy, I prefer the almond flour to the coconut flour!
332896873_KetoMugCake.jpg.7f9f9771e9e47f8ddbc834949e754dde.jpg

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Kay, that cake looks delicious and I'm not much of a ' sweets' person. It looks like it's worth trying to make.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I had to make two last night, haven't gotten into it yet, very filling!  I like to put whipping cream and sugar free chocolate syrup on it. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

@her_chrissy  I am so sorry.....   Your tragic story reminds me of my beautiful wife's final day on this plane.  She died suddenly and totally unexpectedly from a blood clot several weeks after a routine, successful surgery.  We went to the hospital the day she passed but nothing indicated it was situation critical. She passed in the blink of an eye. I was by her side the whole time. I made the doctors do an hour extra of chest compressions till finally it was futile and I had to be talked down.  It seemed unreal. I still having trouble believing it and it's been 8.5 months. I sometimes wonder if sudden unexpected deaths are especially traumatizing.

For the first few months I drank everyday but realized it wasnt helping and in fact made things worse -- and it certainly wasnt going to make the grief vanish. So I just gave it up.  I'm not telling you or anyone else what to do. Everyone has to make that call for themselves.

Like you, I too have a shrine. Her ashes in a wooden box beside my bed.  If you have some of her clothing or hair bands, consider sealing those in zip bags to preserve the scent. I learned that here.

I keep a daily log of signs and synchronicities, dreams, visits. That has helped tremendously but I realize it's a very personal thing and everyone has their own beliefs about that.

I wish I could say something more to make you feel better. All I can say is I relate to much of what you've shared. There are people here with far more insight  and experience than me. I hope you can gain some comfort in their words. Peace brother,

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Imissmike

So many stories.  All of us suffering. And while we don't totally understand exactly what you are feeling, we know it's terrible and we all wish you weren't going through it.  

I lost my husband 11/16/21 in an ultralight plane crash.  I was there as the first person too.  It sucks.  No other way around it.  He was killed instantly.  My brain still can process what happened, he's flow zillions of hours.  

But here's something that I do that has brought me emense comfort.  I have a hugging station. I have a coat rack that is situated about half a foot higher than me.  I placed Mike's Jean jacket reverse on the hook, then I bury my face in that jacket that still smells like him. I wrap the coat arms around me and feel him hugging me. 

It works, I cry like hell sometimes but it makes me feel better.  Maybe it would help you too?

 

 

  • Like 3
  • Hugs 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
18 hours ago, Imissmike said:

I have a hugging station.

Me too, it's his bathrobe, hanging on a hook between bathroom/bedroom.  It no longer smells like him but I have the association with him, a very intimate part of him as he only wore it here, with me and my son.

I am so sorry for your loss, not even two months yet, so very fresh.  This is the hardest journey I've ever been on, I didn't see how I could do a week without him but it's over 16 1/2 years now, one day turns into the next with or without our permission.  

I'm so glad you found this place, it helps to be with others that get it and understand, and this is a caring family, all going through our journeys uniquely but together.  I hope you'll continue to read and post.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
her_chrissy
On 1/12/2022 at 10:00 AM, Jemiga70 said:

I wish I could say something more to make you feel better. All I can say is I relate to much of what you've shared. There are people here with far more insight  and experience than me. I hope you can gain some comfort in their words. Peace brother,

Jemiga, thank you for your kind words, suggestions, and for being here with me to share in grief. I'm tremendously sorry for your loss as well. I think there is something particularly traumatizing about unexpected loss like ours. We are left with nothing but unanswered questions, doubts, regrets, and unresolved feelings. 

I have been as yet unable to sleep in our bed, the very place I lost Annie. But I keep her beside me next to the couch where I've ben sleeping and reach for her every morning. I am also journaling where I can, chronicling signs, dreams, as well as memories that I recall throughout the day. The funeral home was kind to provide me with a lock of her hair in a sealed bag and I cherish it deeply. 

I wish not to drink everyday. I know it helps nothing and solves nothing and changes nothing. It's difficult to feel as though there is anything left to lose. But I imagine this will run its course and I will need to find other, more productive ways to grieve. 

Your words were more insightful than you think, and I thank you for them. My best to you too brother. -c

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
her_chrissy
On 1/12/2022 at 1:25 PM, Imissmike said:

It works, I cry like hell sometimes but it makes me feel better.  Maybe it would help you too?

I took your advice and made a hugging station. My wife loved massive coats, and this made perfect sense when you said it. I cried into the shoulder of her coat today and I felt a moment of relief and closeness that was unexpected. Thank you for that gift, and I am terribly sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing him, and your grief with me at this time. My best, -c

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Imissmike

I'm so happy you took the suggestion. It has so helpful for me too. And I can't sleep in our bed either. Maybe someday but for now I can't even imagine it.  Hang in there. I'm thinking about you as I go through my own journey. You aren't alone.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
7 hours ago, Imissmike said:

I can't sleep in our bed either.

It's been 16 1/2 years for me, I sleep in our recliner/loveseat.  My puppy next to me.  It helps.  I tried the bed, it was such a reminder of his absence...still.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.