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Hello, my name is Jess

Background: my father was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer in Dec 2018. I am my fathers only biological child, 27 daughter, and he raised 3 other old children from my moms previous marriage. They have had up and down relationship but my father has always been there to take care of them and care about all of them deeply. We all got in fight when originally dad was diagnosed cause they got upset I was visually upset in front of my dad. It has fueled some tension between us all. Not from me but now I see it starting to affect me. 

When my dad was diagnosed in Dec 2018 he was given 3 months to live and so we tried to plan and get out and make memories and enjoy our time left. He then rebounded, amazingly, and was doing great! And then went through 2 more up and downs and we are now at another down. He’s doing really bad. No chemo or other options. Even blood transfusions every week are not working. He’s always in pain as the cancer is in his bone marrow and he never is comfortable. I never know what to do when he cries. He’s my big daddio who used to hold me when I cried and made me feel safe and I feel like he’s just crumbling in front of me. And I don’t know how to help him. 

Originally when he was diagnosed I had also just went through a rough break up and went through a year ish of deep depression and alcoholism. Thankfully I am on the other side of that now and in a much better place. I was very emotional during that time.  But recently I’ve been noticing I can handle things better. Hearing he’s always in pain doesn’t immediately pull me to tears. Is that wrong? I feel like it’s unhealthy and I’ve put my feelings a trunk somewhere. But then today he cried while telling me how much he misses not being sick and how much he wants to go back to normal days and I kept it together in front of him but have been crying since I got home. Sometimes I just want it to be over for him and I feel absolutely awful that I would ever wish that. If I focus too much on memorizing him or trying to be overly adoring it also gets my emotions flowing. I’ve been feeling more angry towards my siblings as they haven’t really been there. Didn’t show up for Father’s Day and isn’t around like I am. I just feel like he deserves better. But I have no right to say what isn’t or is right for dealing with something like that. So why am I so angry? 

my mother is amazing btw and handling this like a champ. We get together once a week to get her out of the house and have fun and talk. So that is going great. I just need help dealing with this. I’m too young. My father will never see me get married, walk me down the aisle, have kids and it’s really starting to kill me. I wouldn’t even want to get married if he’s not there to dance with me. I feel so selfish and lost. I just need someone to talk to. 

thank you to anyone and everyone going through this or has ❤️ Jess

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Valerie Lockhart

Dear Jess17,

I can relate to your experience. Both my father and grandfather died from cancer. I was extremely close to my grandfather. He confided in me his military funeral plans and assets left to take care of my grandmother. I was the oldest grandchild, and he knew that my grandmother was not strong enough to handle things. Towards the end, he could only recognize my grandmother. Because she didn't drive, I made sure that she visited him everyday in the hospital. It's been over 20 years, and I can still see him lying in the hospital bed. I know that it's hard to see your father suffering, but continue to visit him. A first step is to look beyond any debilitating or disfiguring effects of the illness and see the person. Look into his eyes and see those changeless brown or green or blue eyes. Comfort comes not only from our words but also from our attitude. Pulling up a chair and sitting down, drawing near and offering our hand, not holding back our tears when he reveals what he is feeling—all of this shows that we care. Read or sing to your father, choosing literature and songs that are upbuilding and enjoyable to him. If you make the best use of these last moments, you will likely avoid feelings of regret later.  If possible, pray together. As our Maker, he understands our pain and sorrow. He is able and eager to provide the necessary help and encouragement so that we can cope. Better yet, he has promised that he will soon eradicate death once and for all and resurrect the billions of humans who are in his memory. (John 5:28, 29 and Revelation 21:3,4)

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