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Rollercoaster with my fathers cancer

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Hello, my name is Jess

Background: my father was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer in Dec 2018. I am my fathers only biological child, 27 daughter, and he raised 3 other old children from my moms previous marriage. They have had up and down relationship but my father has always been there to take care of them and care about all of them deeply. We all got in fight when originally dad was diagnosed cause they got upset I was visually upset in front of my dad. It has fueled some tension between us all. Not from me but now I see it starting to affect me. 

When my dad was diagnosed in Dec 2018 he was given 3 months to live and so we tried to plan and get out and make memories and enjoy our time left. He then rebounded, amazingly, and was doing great! And then went through 2 more up and downs and we are now at another down. He’s doing really bad. No chemo or other options. Even blood transfusions every week are not working. He’s always in pain as the cancer is in his bone marrow and he never is comfortable. I never know what to do when he cries. He’s my big daddio who used to hold me when I cried and made me feel safe and I feel like he’s just crumbling in front of me. And I don’t know how to help him. 

Originally when he was diagnosed I had also just went through a rough break up and went through a year ish of deep depression and alcoholism. Thankfully I am on the other side of that now and in a much better place. I was very emotional during that time.  But recently I’ve been noticing I can handle things better. Hearing he’s always in pain doesn’t immediately pull me to tears. Is that wrong? I feel like it’s unhealthy and I’ve put my feelings a trunk somewhere. But then today he cried while telling me how much he misses not being sick and how much he wants to go back to normal days and I kept it together in front of him but have been crying since I got home. Sometimes I just want it to be over for him and I feel absolutely awful that I would ever wish that. If I focus too much on memorizing him or trying to be overly adoring it also gets my emotions flowing. I’ve been feeling more angry towards my siblings as they haven’t really been there. Didn’t show up for Father’s Day and isn’t around like I am. I just feel like he deserves better. But I have no right to say what isn’t or is right for dealing with something like that. So why am I so angry? 

my mother is amazing btw and handling this like a champ. We get together once a week to get her out of the house and have fun and talk. So that is going great. I just need help dealing with this. I’m too young. My father will never see me get married, walk me down the aisle, have kids and it’s really starting to kill me. I wouldn’t even want to get married if he’s not there to dance with me. I feel so selfish and lost. I just need someone to talk to. 

thank you to anyone and everyone going through this or has ❤️ Jess

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