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JoyR
On 9/5/2019 at 1:08 AM, JES said:

@JoyR  As Billie Rae had said, 3 months is still very new...your pain still very raw. I couldnt even post until 4 months....but time has a way of helping ease the pain alittle...sometimes so gradual you dont even realize it.   I am glad you are safe with the hurricane but also realize the feeling of not really caring what happens. Can remember feeling that way also. So many of the feeling you have are feelings most of us had or have. And yours being so tramatic would make anyone angry.  I cant imagine how extra hard it makes it.  Thinking of your dear and praying you find some peace. Love and hugs. Jeanne

Thank you Jeanne,

I guess I can't rush the process for me. I'm always hopeful I can deal with this better. For me I have this strong wall up once I walk out the door but when I'm inside and alone that wall comes down. His images haunt me everyday. I could be having a conversation seemingly happy to others but it's like a different person inside me flashing images at the same time. It never goes away. 

Feels similar to having visions that the other person can see and unaware of. I'm speaking one thing but seeing, feeling, hearing another. 

I'm sorry for rambling.  Praying for everyone here and thanks for your prayers also. 

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Billie Rae

Joy,I also have that wall,I look and act like I'm okay but no one sees how tired I am(still don't sleep well)or how lonely I am inside.They don't see me come in my apartment and just sit,no energy,no want to.All people see is the old me,smiling and being efficient.I think this may go on for a while.
Maybe I'm doing"fake it till I make it"
Love you all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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JoyR
On 9/6/2019 at 7:46 PM, Billie Rae said:

Joy,I also have that wall,I look and act like I'm okay but no one sees how tired I am(still don't sleep well)or how lonely I am inside.They don't see me come in my apartment and just sit,no energy,no want to.All people see is the old me,smiling and being efficient.I think this may go on for a while.
Maybe I'm doing"fake it till I make it"
Love you all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app
 

Hi Billy, 

Hope all is well with you. As you can see I'm back here. I've tried so hard lately to move pass it all. And I recently had a breakdown in PUBLIC.  

It was at a place we frequented together. All it took was for his friends to bring him up. I was doing fine until then. Then out of nowhere I burst into tears in front of everyone. Some knew why and others were trying to understand. 

I couldn't even hold the tears back. I ended up storming out. It took me an hour to pull myself together after calling and texting for help to drive me home. I had no one. After an hour I was able to see visually and went to work . I haven't slept in 3 days since. 

I'm now grieving heavily. Again!

I've spent my whole pay checks for weeks to take my mind somewhere else. I'm tired,my whole body aches. Retaining water in my ankles, shortness breath. 

I feel super heartbroken. I wish I had alot of money to just go somewhere and be alone. Forever. I don't want to be around anyone .

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KayC

Joy,

Glad to see you back, I've been worried about you.  I hope you contact your doctor about the sleep, not good!  This is serious, I got edema bad when George died, these aren't good symptoms, please call the doctor!

Setbacks like this are normal, this is a roller coaster ride and triggers can come out of nowhere.  Sending you hugs1

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Rhonda R

Joy-  It's been 15 months and 12 days for me today and I too am having set backs lately.  For a while there, I thought I was doing better.  Then all of a sudden I started feeling really empty inside.  I started thinking, what if we meet in heaven and he's still young and I'm really old?  What if he loves someone else?  What if he doesn't remember being married to me?  Loving me?  It just sent me over the edge.  I don't cry much anymore, I just feel shattered inside. 

I've had several of these and they have eventually passed but I agree with Kay, you need to see a doctor.  Your body seems to be reacting physically to your grief.  The same thing happened to my husband when his dad died.  I had never seen anything like it before and it never happened again.  You need to sleep, to take care of yourself.  What would he tell you if he was sitting there with you?  He would tell you to go to the doctor.  Please go. 

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foreverhis
7 hours ago, KayC said:

Setbacks like this are normal, this is a roller coaster ride and triggers can come out of nowhere.

So very true.  We can avoid the things we know will trigger us, like a specific song, movie, or place.  It's the unexpected ones that are so hard. My most recent one was just last night.  I've been putting on various old shows in the background at night for sound and distraction.  Right now I'm on a BBC series called Kavanagh, QC.  It first came out in the late 90s. 

I had forgotten that the main character's wife is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  The last scenes of the episode are so human and so familiar.  He kept saying they'd get another opinion or find a new treatment, and she tells him no that she's done all she can.  He says he can't deal with it and doesn't want to hear it.  She gets angry and says, "Damn it.  This is happening to me.  This is my thing, my cancer.  I'm dying, I'm terrified, but if I can stand it..."   He says, "I don't know what to do."  Her reply: "All you have to do is love me." 

So there I am at midnight, trying to get into sleep mode, and BAM, I lost it.  I could not stop crying.  Had I been in public, I would been a puddle of loudly sobbing tears--and I would not have cared who saw me.

In the next season, he comes back to work and his friends are at a loss of what to say or do.  His partner says something about not wanting to sound trite.  Kavanagh smiles sadly, but with a tiny bit of his old twinkle, and says, "You mean, forgive us our platitudes as we forgive those who cliche against us?"  I had to chuckle a little over that.

I'm sure I found it touching then.  Now it's kind of "Welcome to my world."

10 hours ago, JoyR said:

I've tried so hard lately to move pass it all.

...

I couldn't even hold the tears back. I ended up storming out. It took me an hour to pull myself together after calling and texting for help to drive me home. I had no one. After an hour I was able to see visually and went to work . I haven't slept in 3 days since. 

I'm now grieving heavily. Again!

 

Oh, Joy.  I'm sorry you found yourself spiraling down again.  The thing is that there is no way to avoid it.  None.  There's no shame in not being able to hold back your tears and your grief.

Please, I urge you to try to stop attempting to move past it because that will not work.  In my experience, it will only make the depths feel worse.  We don't move move on or get over it.  But we can and should try to learn to live with our grief, to make it part of our lives as we move forward slowly and carefully.

I'm with Kay that you must see your doctor and get something to help you sleep.  Your mind and body are under so much stress that you may very well end up in the hospital.  Ask yourself if your love would want that for you.  I'm not saying the ridiculous, "He would want you to be happy," but I think he likely would want you to take care of yourself as best you can.

I'm afraid you will continue to have these ups and downs as you go along.  Your grief is still so raw and new.  I'm a little further down the path and have found that my cycles of despair are just a little easier to bear.  I have more moments of hope, though they are sometimes fleeting, and when I'm down in the dark pit, I can often see pinpoints of light to help guide me through it.

I'm glad you came back to talk about what's happening with you right now.  Remember that when you are here, you will never be alone.

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foreverhis
2 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

I started thinking, what if we meet in heaven and he's still young and I'm really old?  What if he loves someone else?  What if he doesn't remember being married to me?  Loving me?

I've had those worries too, though my husband was in his early 70s so the "young" part wouldn't apply,  I figure we'll either both be young or we'll both be old.  I add to mine:  What if he hasn't forgiven me for my faults and for not being able to save him?

I talk to my husband every day.  One of the things I sometimes say is "Remember, honey, you are mine and I am yours for always.  I don't want you to be lonely, so find some friends but don't go falling for some cute girl you meet."  I say it teasingly because he never gave me a moment's worry in that regard.  But it makes me realize my own insecurities are alive and well.

Amazing how easily we pile everything on ourselves, isn't it?

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KayC

I've been trying all day to get on line, I'm at the coast on a women's retreat and the internet is awful.  So if I disappear, that's why, will be back on next week.

We'll all be a youthful age in heaven from what I've heard, no worries!  Besides we will know each other regardless of what we look like, we'll know by our spirits.

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JoyR

Thank you all for your replies. I'm getting MRI checked out and going to primary doctor as well. 

I'm sad because I can't change what happened. I don't want to be down mentally. I'm very free spirited. But this has brought out negative emotions. I've developed a dear of dying horribly. Everyday I'm worried how I'm going. Will it be my heart, murder, car accident. IDK. I've lost the will to want more out of life since to me there isn't much to it. No point pursuing anything when I'm going to die with nothing. 

At this point I'm just ok breathing another breath. I don't want new friends, relationship,or anything. I have enough to worry about.

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KayC

Joy, I'm glad you're taking care of YOU and want to send you a big hug!  I've missed seeing you here and hope you're doing okay.

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JoyR
5 hours ago, KayC said:

Joy, I'm glad you're taking care of YOU and want to send you a big hug!  I've missed seeing you here and hope you're doing okay.

Hi Kay,

Ive been trying to hang in there. I can't say I'm well though. I'm having feelings of quilt. I feel like it's all my fault. I definitely should have made him stay inside that night. But I was trying not to complain and spoil fourth of July fun. Now I'm alone!

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KayC

Oh Joy, you're not at fault, you could not have known this would happen.  I know I can tell you that but you still feel that way.  In time it should lessen.  Remember, what would you tell a friend who was going through this?  Give that same understanding to yourself.:wub:

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Gail 8588

JoyR, 

I feel your frustration and confusion. Trying to understand God and our purpose here on earth is a mystery we may never fully understand.  I have been struggling with my faith also.

You and I may not have had the same faith journey, but I think many people try to make sense of their faith when they suffer a hugh loss. 

This may not make any sense to you, but I have come to believe that these deep bonds of love we experience, that cause us so much suffering when we are tragically parted, is the point of our existence.  We are meant to love deeply, completely, unendingly, and in doing that we are living life "in the image of God".  

I don't know how it works, but I do think somehow your spirit and the spirit of those you love and who love you will be together again in some big cloud of love somewhere.

You know in your heart of hearts that your love for him was a good thing.  Even though the pain of losing him is great, you know you wouldn't have wanted to have never had your time together.  Loving someone and being loved by them in return is the best thing there is.  I think it is a reflection of God's love for the world. 

We - the folks posting here - are experiencing unconditional love. We love our missing partners even after their deaths. 

Peace,

Gail

 

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KeirKieran

It's been a little more than a month for me and I'm going through a lot of the same, JoyR. I'm sleeping at least, but I find myself being unsteady on my feet and I have to hold onto things.

I feel hollowed out and guilty, too. (I wasn't there and my baby died alone). I hear all the reassurances from people that I wasn't to blame, but sometimes it doesn't stick.

Sometimes I feel human again, but then I backslide and suddenly I'm numbly wondering why I'm still here at all. 

So you're not alone with anything, right down to your body turning on you.

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KayC

Yes, I get going through these feelings, but then we have to work through them too...which is why I said, what would you tell a friend who was going through this...tell that same thing to yourself...it's an exercise that given enough times can make a difference and help you see things in a different light.  Now more than ever we need to be kind to ourselves, understanding.

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