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JoyR

I'm so devastated by my boyfriend's murder. We were inseparable. Together day and night. July 3 he was taken from me. We ate together, he bathed me, loved me so much that I could tell it was unique even to him. He kiss my back thinking I'm asleep saying I love you constantly. We had plans on marriage. Luckily I took him to communion Sunday prior and he really wanted to change Never been baptized we were planning on it at the beach. I dreamed it as well. Now I feel like I didn't do enough. I feel hurt, abandoned,angry,and worry. I cry all day long alone and try my best to be strong as he was in front of others. He always said never let em see you cry. I didn't . I feel angry that God would let this happen when he was changing . We were happy and mentally, spiritually supported each other. The level of intimacy surreal and he was his true self with me. What family and others don't see. I knew something was wrong and also dreamed it weeks prior. I keep watching every video of us and find happiness hearing your voice but it's not the same. I'm so hurt I want to be with him and he not coming back. God  help me ! I pray for you everyday. Yet wishes you stay here until I die. I don't know how to continue on there are no words to express what I'm feeling. I can't sleep and when I do it's just to pray and hope it's a dream. I love you and wish we could've went to courthouse like you wanted to sneak n marry. Instead I wanted God way first and we were heading on right track and now your gone. I will never love another and will die alone. Love you Prentice your wife Joy

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KayC

Joy, I am so sorry...everything you say, it's how it was with us too.  I don't have any answers, stopped asking why, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.  All of your feelings are valid.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to express all you are feeling and know you're heard and understood, we're listening.

Just over two weeks, so fresh, so raw, we all remember that time, the shock.  You will get through this, I say that because in the beginning I didn't see how it was possible, but I'm still here 14 years later, somehow we make it through this maze of grief.  You might want to consider grief counseling, perhaps on down the road a grief support group.  I hope you have family and friends around for support.  We're here for you.

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JoyR

OMG everyday is hard for me . Every week seems further away from him.  Every Wednesday I'm tormented. And too know my son and him share the Exact same birthday June 16 will be hard. I'll be mourning and trying to attempt to celebrate for the sake of my son. Two very different feelings. One for the love of my son and another for the love I've lost. I'm trying so hard to keep busy and I almost want to submerse myself in alcohol to take my mind away. My dog seems to be right up under me trying to comfort me as if he knows. I'm so tired I cant focus or clean and I'm ocd with that. I look at my car and picture him sitting there or driving and now I'm having difficulty wanting to drive the car 

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KayC
5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

God knows when someone is sincere, whether that person has been baptized or not or has gone to a specific church or has a specific religious belief.  It is enough that he was striving for better and it is enough that his love for you encompassed all

Amen to that!

And try to skip the drinking, I know it's inviting, but it's a depressant...hardly what we need.  

You mention not having a place to go to to mourn.  Have you thought of getting a memorial stone, with or without his ashes, you could have that to go to, I got one, it was inexpensive, I put it in our back yard.  If you google the company and promo code they usually have one with a discount. https://www.personalcreations.com/product/pawprints-in-heaven-memorial-marker-30192930?q=30192930&start=&spell=&srchSuggestion=y&trackingpgroup=pid
 

I know how families can be when they're grieving, not always at their best, I'm sorry you're going through that too.  

And I talk to my husband all the time too, be it in my mind or aloud.

And just like foreverhis says, it's okay to yell at God (I think, He hasn't zapped me yet) He has big shoulders, he can take it, and you know what?  He understands.

 

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JoyR

Thank you. The case is still under investigation it's so much more I want to say in his defense yet I'm remaining silence and I can't fully get it all out. I did go out drinking to take my mind away. Just faking happiness. But inside I'm dying. I have not eaten in a about a week and I'm trying to but not hungry. I'm up hours repeatedly searching everything I could find in my phone. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I don't even want to be bothered with anyone. My body aches. I've binged on info for Bible , afterlife and everything in hopes of seeing him . But today read that the dead knows nothing, hear nothing as asleep. So I'm confused because I considered myself to be high energy and see things. How can I have visions,dreams , premonition and the Bible say it's a sin to seek the dead. I don't want to go against God but I desperately am seeking his spirit and I need him . I kinda feel I'm so hurt by him it'

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KayC

Of course you're hurting.  What you're referring to is the soul sleep, but they're still there, have faith in that, it's all that gets me through, knowing I'll see him again.

I can relate to the "exhausted but can't sleep"...see a doctor, let him know about the sleep situation, sometimes we need help with it and this is one of those times.  I still have sleep issues.  Sometimes I don't get enough sleep, struggle with it, sometimes I take something.  We have to function

somewhat.

At first I lost weight, then I gained it doing the mindless eating, just not caring.  In those early days I did not feel like eating.  Smoothies help, I could drink something, just didn't want to eat.  Get some nutrition in you, we can't function without food, it'll cause us medical issues we little need on top of this.  (((hugs)))  

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JoyR

I cooked for my dad and son today after my dad force to to come out hiding. Then I cleaned. I did eat finally. But i couldn't get my strength to go church. I feel empty as if part of me is missing. Well my confidant and best friend is gone. Yesterday as I was grieving him I his Bluetooth came on an a song he never played in list came on. (Gerald levert- baby hold on to me) then as I played my own later that day in my car it played on my Bluetooth. Then I turn everything thing off and heard static in my car passenger side but radio was off. Then something shock me on my foot and arm. Just found it strange. Someone said maybe I won't get the visit I want as seeing him but he will come another way . Or I could just be overwhelmed an stress too. But overall today wasn't as bad. But I still can't sleep even after prescription. Yes I saw doctor. Be blessed guys and thank you for supporting me. It does help to vent here as I have no one to relate

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KayC

You have us.  It's good to have someone that gets it even if we're across the country or world from each other.  

It does sound like it could be a sign he sent, I agree with what someone told you, perhaps we're looking one way when they're coming another way.

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Billie Rae

Joyr
We are listening.We also are sharing your pain.
Big hug

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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JoyR

So I can't remember the last time I've slept. I remember Sunday being exhausted and going to monday to work tired. And I still have not slept. I try forcing food down and all I can do is nibble. And now I don't feel tired but I HAVEN'T SLEPT. My brain is in a fog and I I feel I'm just floating thru the day with a blank empty uncontrollable stare at everyone who tries to talk to me. Eyes,back,neck stiffing. I dread going to work Monday night as he would come to my Job and wait for me for hours until I get off . I work hotel 7-7am on Monday nights... I see his number in the call log when he called me at work. I don't know what's going on with me today but I have his picture as my screen  saver and I can't look at it. 

I feel stupid staring at my phone which we shared trying to make him move and talk to me. Which is ridiculous. My mouth inside hurts because I've not spoken but little words ,and little food ,but able to drink fluids. I'm in a zombie like state mentally I'm aware but physically I can't help myself . I can't talk or cry. There's no emotion going on in me just thoughts. And to top that off I still have yet to receive his ashes with my locket and it's stressing me out. I wish I could just lay in the casket with him a go to sleep. I'm feeling annoyed with everything and now it's like I'm mad at him. But I love him so why do I feel this way. I don't even know why . I feel abandoned and helpless. 

My best friend female also helped me with my grief and this is also hard because her loved on past last year . It's a year for her . We had to give each other space since I tried to tell her she had closure since her friend died of ashma attack. Health reason and she was offended. I didn't want to take away from her grief he was my friend also. I feel everyone pain .

But I told her when someone dies of murder that is unsolved and you know nothing there is constant worry no closure. If my loved on past away natural causes I can except the death but I'll still grieve. For me this is very hard because his life was taken not health reasons. He just turned 48 June 16. He was in great shape. He was shot dead. I would rather him pass in at home or hospital or something preparing me. It's unbearable when I saw him last less then 30mins hour later he's gone. I waiting the whole night of July 4 until morning expecting his return. Let me go and come back I'm getting emotional again.ttyl

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JoyR

Hey guys I'm back again. Am I wrong or being selfish if I don't want anyone else to grieve my boyfriend?

A part of me feels they don't deserve that right. I'm so annoyed with the past woman as I've had my share of drama with that . And I feel no one is in more pain then me.  This happen during my relationship with him. How can anyone know what's it's like to loose a partner, spouse ,lover if your not dealing with them daily in a current relationship. Like are you really trying to take away my joy and grief as if you're important. I.e.ex gfs.. Married couples, couples are used to seeing them every day and there's a void missing very different from a person you used to date the person that is over with.  We know them more deeper then even relatives. . I mean you are intimate and bedroom talk so your able to open up about alot more things then u would tell a relative. Ok im ranting now think it went somewhere else. I'm not focused at all.  I guess today won't be good because I feel bitter towards everyone except limited few. Don't think I'll leave the house my emotion are everywhere and don't feel it's good for me to interact with people right now . Here is safe for me. Outside not so much and afraid I might spaz Sorry 

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JoyR

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KayC
2 hours ago, JoyR said:

I'm feeling annoyed with everything and now it's like I'm mad at him. But I love him so why do I feel this way. I don't even know why . I feel abandoned and helpless. 

These are but feelings, feelings brought on by grief.  They don't have to make sense intellectually, they are but to be ridden out, like riding waves.  Waves of grief.  Zombie like state, lack of sleep, brain fog, all of these are so common, so normal, in grief, we've all felt them.

You do need to do something about the sleep and nutrition.  It behooves you to do something to help yourself through this, but it's at a time you least feel able to.  I hope you'll see a doctor and get some help with the sleep.  Drink a smoothie, anything to get nutrition into you.  Take a walk, anything to help you feel better.

And God, I join Joy in prayer, I ask you wrap your arms around her and let her know she is not alone in this, you are with her.  I ask you bring her comfort.  Amen.

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foreverhis
On 7/20/2019 at 10:56 PM, JoyR said:

How can I have visions,dreams , premonition and the Bible say it's a sin to seek the dead. I don't want to go against God but I desperately am seeking his spirit and I need him .

I wonder exactly what kind of seeking it means.  I personally don't believe it could ever be wrong to keep our hearts and minds open to the signs that come our way.  It could be in dreams or visions; it could be in tangible and physical reminders; or it could be those premonitions and deja vu.  When these things come to you naturally because you are open to them, there can be no sin in it, IMO.  Even if your heart is actively seeking a sign that he is okay and at peace, you would not be wrong, again IMO.

Is it possible the seeking it says we shouldn't do is literal?  Could it be referring to trying to join our loves through physical attempts to be with them?  By that, of course, I mean suicide.  There are certainly times when it has felt as if my grief could and maybe should just kill me.  There are times I wonder just how much pain my heart can take and still go on beating.  And there have been moments when I've wondered if it wouldn't be better to end life here so I can be with him where he is now.  I do not consider these dark thoughts to be "sinful" in any religious sense of the word because I am not seeking them, they simply come.  I deal with the darkness as best I can, looking for bits of light, glimpses of hope, and not be dragged down permanently.

I'm no religious scholar (obviously) and sometimes have trouble grasping the full meanings of things, but my dad was self-taught because he wanted to know about not just the religion he was raised in, but others as well.  He was seeking to understand how and why humans have come to have such diverse beliefs.  He said that he didn't think anyone in the world could understand completely, so all we can do is our best.  I think he was right.

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foreverhis
On 7/23/2019 at 4:47 AM, JoyR said:

My best friend female also helped me with my grief and this is also hard because her loved on past last year . It's a year for her . We had to give each other space since I tried to tell her she had closure since her friend died of ashma attack. Health reason and she was offended. I didn't want to take away from her grief he was my friend also. I feel everyone pain

---

I would rather him pass in at home or hospital or something preparing me.

I have to agree with Kay on this.  I am where your friend is in many ways.  It's been just over a year for me.  My love died in the hospital with me by his side.  We had finally accepted that he wasn't going to make it to the next cancer treatment, so he was supposed to go home on hospice, but his body couldn't do it.  I fear what I'm going to say will offend you.  I don't intend to, but these are hard things to hear and to say.  I truly only want to give you perspective in hopes that it may help.

You cannot "take away" from your friend's grief because it is hers alone.  I have no doubt you are grieving for her love who was your friend, but I'm sure you realize the vast chasm between grieving the death of a friend and grieving for your soul mate.  The pain you feel for her, for him, and for your love is also yours alone.  No matter how much we might want to believe we feel another person's pain, we do not and cannot.   Please allow your friend her grief in her own way and do not compare either death or grief.

Whether a death is sudden and violent or lingering and quiet, there is no such thing as closure.  It's unlikely in the extreme that your friend feels like she had any.  If you had said to me what you said to her, I would have been hurt, a bit angry, and offended.  It would have felt to me as if you had decided to elevate your type of loss and grief over mine. As if your suffering is worse or more.  There can be no comparisons of that kind.  She cannot know how it feels for you and you cannot know how it feels for her, but both of your losses are devastating in the same way. 

There is truly no way for you know if your love's death would have been "easier" for you if you'd had time to prepare.  Knowing it is going to happen, knowing we are powerless over it, is its own kind of hell on earth.  The pain of holding my husband's hand, watching as his breathing grew shallow and then stopped altogether is indescribable.  When a death comes slowly, we are left with endless worries of  "Why did/didn't we or I...?  "How could this happen to such a good man/woman?"  "Why didn't the doctors know more or find it sooner or treat it differently?"   These thoughts, regrets, and guilt haunt us day after day.  I know that I cannot fully comprehend the shock and pain of your loss. By the same token, you cannot fully comprehend mine.  The same is true for you and your friend.  I have no doubt that your pain and anger make it feel as if no one has ever experienced such agony.  You're right because we each feel our own loss as the worst thing in the world.  We feel that way because it is for us each, individually.  Give your friend time, but don't let it go too long.  You both need the love and comfort of those who care.

Actually, the reason I found myself here several months after my husband died was that I was so angry over people making comparisons.  It might be something like, "I know how you feel.  My uncle/friend/pet died."  My reaction to that was an internal (never said out loud, especially the swear), "Are you f-ing kidding me?  I lost my soul mate, half of myself, and our future together.  You go home at night and your love is still there to comfort, to laugh with, to help you.  The one person I could go to for that is the one I have lost.  I go home to a cold and silent house.  How dare you!"  The other kind of comparison that was upsetting me is the type you and your friend are dealing with.  "Well, I only had X number of years with my husband.  You had more." or "My sister's husband was killed in a car accident, so she'll never have closure."  As if this is a contest and the more years you had, the less you get to grieve.  Or that there is some sort of hierarchy in how we've lost our soul mates.  Whether it's 5 years or 50 and whether it's sudden or lingering make no difference in grief.

From reading your posts, I can tell you are a caring, loving person.  Your love for your husband shines through everything you have written.  And yes, I believe that God would see you as married, even if you hadn't yet said "I do" in church.   Marriage isn't just words and vows said in public; it is what we live in our hearts every day.  I hope you know I am not berating you for being human or for reacting to your shocking, devastating loss as you have.  One of the wonderful things about this community is that we all know none of us are perfect.  I've certainly made my share of mistakes along my grief journey so far.

My heart hurts for you and your love.  Please, please take Kay's advice about taking care of yourself.  I understand the temptation to numb yourself with alcohol.  I had a few days of doing that myself, but not for many months because it simply wasn't helping.  Adding a small hangover to my grief, physical pain, and depression was not the smartest thing I've ever done.  And no matter what anyone says or what you think is expected, don't feel you have to try to seem "normal" or "okay" because you are not.  Our society does expect us to always "put on a brave face" and not bother other people with our grief.  Well, I've come to understand that these unrealistic expectations are both exhausting and wrong.  If I fall apart in public, so be it.  If someone is uncomfortable around me and my grief, then that is their problem and not mine.  I urge you to simply let yourself grieve and not try to live up to what others think you should do or feel.  I promise that we will always be there to help in whatever ways we can.

I am sending you comfort, support, and love.  Remember to keep breathing and have faith that your husband will be there for you always.

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JoyR
7 hours ago, KayC said:

These are but feelings, feelings brought on by grief.  They don't have to make sense intellectually, they are but to be ridden out, like riding waves.  Waves of grief.  Zombie like state, lack of sleep, brain fog, all of these are so common, so normal, in grief, we've all felt them.

You do need to do something about the sleep and nutrition.  It behooves you to do something to help yourself through this, but it's at a time you least feel able to.  I hope you'll see a doctor and get some help with the sleep.  Drink a smoothie, anything to get nutrition into you.  Take a walk, anything to help you feel better.

And God, I join Joy in prayer, I ask you wrap your arms around her and let her know she is not alone in this, you are with her.  I ask you bring her comfort.  Amen.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I'm going to try and get some rest. I'm really having a hard time getting through this. I feel like the world outside wants to be move on and be happy with life. But in reality that would be the fake me. Because I'm not happy and can't move on. So everyday I'm suppose to put on this Fake persona just to get through my day. All I can do is grieve and nothing else. 

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JoyR
7 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't necessarily agree with this...my husband died of a sudden heart attack right after his 51st birthday.  It doesn't make it any easier how it comes.  Murder and suicide are complicated griefs, yes, the hardest of all to try to digest, but please don't invalidate your friend's grief, that is offensive to her.  NEVER COMPARE GRIEF/LOSS, it is like bringing a minefield in.  We can't compare...to each of us our own loss is the greatest.  I hope for healing between you and your friend, that you may help and support each other on your journeys.  You can feel however you want, but try not to offend her with your words.  It's hard to think with clarity in early grief, really hard, for that reason I hope she can understand.

When we have sudden death, no matter what the avenue, nothing prepares you.  But even in a caregiving situation with a long illness, can anything prepare you for the finality of death?  No.  Not really.  We process death, a little bit at a time, and we can process in last days of an illness, but still the finality hits.  My dog has cancer and is dying (and NO I am not trying to compare my dog with a husband!) but my dog has been my sole companion these past 10 1/2 years.  When I got the diagnosis, and learned he's not a candidate for surgery because he wouldn't make it through anesthesia, nor would chemo help him, it's too far spread...I was in shock, jolted into anticipatory grief!  I couldn't process this, I was emotionally fragile.  I couldn't imagine life without him, nor can I still.  But it's been 6 1/2 weeks, I've been processing it little by little.  Last night my cousin, who lost her husband a couple of years ago, told me of her dog's sudden death.  From time of diagnosis to his passing, one day.  She said she didn't have time to process it, she was in shock.  I feel fortunate I am getting time to process it, little by little, letting it sink in that he will be gone.  I am getting to do what I can to make him comfortable and when the time comes, I will have him euthanized so he won't have to suffer unduly.  But what I'll do then, I don't know.  It will hit me hard and I will grieve.  He has been by my side through thick and thin, given me incentive to continue, to take care of myself...for him.  When all that is gone, what then?  That is the question we are all facing.  I've lost so many, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, a niece, a nephew, so many pets, so many friends, the hardest of all was my husband, that was a life changer.  And my dog will be hard too.

I don't know why we go through this, life is hard, it is unfair.  Nothing fair about it!  I have friends who still have their husbands.  They go places together, they take each other to doctor's appointments, they help each other out, each doing what they're good at.  Not us.  We do what has to be done or have to hire it done.  Sometimes it's a struggle getting help.  At the end of the day, that person we love isn't here to talk things over with, to cuddle with.  We do our best with it but still after 14 years of this, I have my ups and downs and still struggle with it.  It's not as intense as it was at first, thankfully, but it's still there.  I will love and miss him the rest of my life.  I talk to him all the time, if not aloud, then in my thoughts.  The day I hear him answer will be the day they haul me away, of that I am sure.  

OMG I'm so sorry for your lossss of hubby and prayers for your loved pet as I have my own and it's my only comfort right now. The unconditional love we get and snuggles and warmed is calming to my soul. As for my friend I did apologize and I do understand it's not easier either way. There isn't a way to be prepared for it. She's fine . I was trying to get her to talk about it together but the way she handles her grief is avoiding it so she doesn't break. For me I'll ball out tears like a big baby and kick ,drop, and roll on the floor with my emotions and not care who's around. 

And yes it's hard when your loved ones were there to help you and now it's gone. This too is hard for me because he carried everything,open my car door, ,ran my shower water and bathed me,he would not eat food unless we ate together and would complain his ulcers hurt so I'd eat with him. He wanted kids we were trying but he treated me like his big baby. Now it feels very awkward to go out in public and see couples holding hands as we did. Kissing each other, in stores together ,and every little detail I took for granted as normal everyday life is what I'm lacking now. I feel like why was I not worthy of enjoying my life forever with him. Why was my relationship cut short. I haven't reached my prime and what now. Just me and my dog till I die. How long will that be to go on like this ?' 

I feel like why me? And to hear about everyone else pain I know I'm not alone but the hurt is so great . How blessed are those who never have to experience something like this. But we all gotta go some way. I just didn't expect him to go this way. We were supposed to grow old together and grow food,farm,and travel. All I can do now is enjoy the comfort of my pet. But I do long for his touches and kisses and words and I'll never get them. 

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JoyR
2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I wonder exactly what kind of seeking it means.  I personally don't believe it could ever be wrong to keep our hearts and minds open to the signs that come our way.  It could be in dreams or visions; it could be in tangible and physical reminders; or it could be those premonitions and deja vu.  When these things come to you naturally because you are open to them, there can be no sin in it, IMO.  Even if your heart is actively seeking a sign that he is okay and at peace, you would not be wrong, again IMO.

Is it possible the seeking it says we shouldn't do is literal?  Could it be referring to trying to join our loves through physical attempts to be with them?  By that, of course, I mean suicide.  There are certainly times when it has felt as if my grief could and maybe should just kill me.  There are times I wonder just how much pain my heart can take and still go on beating.  And there have been moments when I've wondered if it wouldn't be better to end life here so I can be with him where he is now.  I do not consider these dark thoughts to be "sinful" in any religious sense of the word because I am not seeking them, they simply come.  I deal with the darkness as best I can, looking for bits of light, glimpses of hope, and not be dragged down permanently.

I'm no religious scholar (obviously) and sometimes have trouble grasping the full meanings of things, but my dad was self-taught because he wanted to know about not just the religion he was raised in, but others as well.  He was seeking to understand how and why humans have come to have such diverse beliefs.  He said that he didn't think anyone in the world could understand completely, so all we can do is our best.  I think he was right.

Both Paul and Peter also called death a sleep (1 Cor. 15:51, 52; 1 Thess. 4:13-17; 2 Peter 3:4). The Biblical representation of death as a sleep clearly fits its nature, as the following comparisons demonstrate: 1. Those who sleep are unconscious. "The dead know nothing" (Eccl. 9:5). 2. In sleep conscious thinking ceases. "His breath goeth forth, . . . in that very day his thoughts perish" (Ps. 146:4, KJV). 3. Sleep brings an end to all the days activities. "There is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going" (Eccl. 9:10). 4. Sleep disassociates us from those who are awake, and from their activities. "Nevermore will they have a share in anything done under the sun" (verse 6). 5. Normal sleep renders the emotions inactive. "Their love, their hatred, and their envy have now perished" (verse 6). 6. In sleep men do not praise God. "The dead do not praise the Lord" (Ps. 115:17). 7. Sleep presupposes an awakening. "'The hour is coming in which all who are in the graves will hear His voice and come forth'" (John 5:28, 29).3

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JoyR

This is what

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I have to agree with Kay on this.  I am where your friend is in many ways.  It's been just over a year for me.  My love died in the hospital with me by his side.  We had finally accepted that he wasn't going to make it to the next cancer treatment, so he was supposed to go home on hospice, but his body couldn't do it.  I fear what I'm going to say will offend you.  I don't intend to, but these are hard things to hear and to say.  I truly only want to give you perspective in hopes that it may help.

You cannot "take away" from your friend's grief because it is hers alone.  I have no doubt you are grieving for her love who was your friend, but I'm sure you realize the vast chasm between grieving the death of a friend and grieving for your soul mate.  The pain you feel for her, for him, and for your love is also yours alone.  No matter how much we might want to believe we feel another person's pain, we do not and cannot.   Please allow your friend her grief in her own way and do not compare either death or grief.

Whether a death is sudden and violent or lingering and quiet, there is no such thing as closure.  It's unlikely in the extreme that your friend feels like she had any.  If you had said to me what you said to her, I would have been hurt, a bit angry, and offended.  It would have felt to me as if you had decided to elevate your type of loss and grief over mine. As if your suffering is worse or more.  There can be no comparisons of that kind.  She cannot know how it feels for you and you cannot know how it feels for her, but both of your losses are devastating in the same way. 

There is truly no way for you know if your love's death would have been "easier" for you if you'd had time to prepare.  Knowing it is going to happen, knowing we are powerless over it, is its own kind of hell on earth.  The pain of holding my husband's hand, watching as his breathing grew shallow and then stopped altogether is indescribable.  When a death comes slowly, we are left with endless worries of  "Why did/didn't we or I...?  "How could this happen to such a good man/woman?"  "Why didn't the doctors know more or find it sooner or treat it differently?"   These thoughts, regrets, and guilt haunt us day after day.  I know that I cannot fully comprehend the shock and pain of your loss. By the same token, you cannot fully comprehend mine.  The same is true for you and your friend.  I have no doubt that your pain and anger make it feel as if no one has ever experienced such agony.  You're right because we each feel our own loss as the worst thing in the world.  We feel that way because it is for us each, individually.  Give your friend time, but don't let it go too long.  You both need the love and comfort of those who care.

Actually, the reason I found myself here several months after my husband died was that I was so angry over people making comparisons.  It might be something like, "I know how you feel.  My uncle/friend/pet died."  My reaction to that was an internal (never said out loud, especially the swear), "Are you f-ing kidding me?  I lost my soul mate, half of myself, and our future together.  You go home at night and your love is still there to comfort, to laugh with, to help you.  The one person I could go to for that is the one I have lost.  I go home to a cold and silent house.  How dare you!"  The other kind of comparison that was upsetting me is the type you and your friend are dealing with.  "Well, I only had X number of years with my husband.  You had more." or "My sister's husband was killed in a car accident, so she'll never have closure."  As if this is a contest and the more years you had, the less you get to grieve.  Or that there is some sort of hierarchy in how we've lost our soul mates.  Whether it's 5 years or 50 and whether it's sudden or lingering make no difference in grief.

From reading your posts, I can tell you are a caring, loving person.  Your love for your husband shines through everything you have written.  And yes, I believe that God would see you as married, even if you hadn't yet said "I do" in church.   Marriage isn't just words and vows said in public; it is what we live in our hearts every day.  I hope you know I am not berating you for being human or for reacting to your shocking, devastating loss as you have.  One of the wonderful things about this community is that we all know none of us are perfect.  I've certainly made my share of mistakes along my grief journey so far.

My heart hurts for you and your love.  Please, please take Kay's advice about taking care of yourself.  I understand the temptation to numb yourself with alcohol.  I had a few days of doing that myself, but not for many months because it simply wasn't helping.  Adding a small hangover to my grief, physical pain, and depression was not the smartest thing I've ever done.  And no matter what anyone says or what you think is expected, don't feel you have to try to seem "normal" or "okay" because you are not.  Our society does expect us to always "put on a brave face" and not bother other people with our grief.  Well, I've come to understand that these unrealistic expectations are both exhausting and wrong.  If I fall apart in public, so be it.  If someone is uncomfortable around me and my grief, then that is their problem and not mine.  I urge you to simply let yourself grieve and not try to live up to what others think you should do or feel.  I promise that we will always be there to help in whatever ways we can.

I am sending you comfort, support, and love.  Remember to keep breathing and have faith that your husband will be there for you always.

I agree with you both. It was a stupid thing to say and I did apologize to her. And yes it hurt her and she explained same to me. But I feel it was necessary to talk about her situation because she never told anyone how she felt and it's been balled up inside until I said that. I made her cry and I saw a whole different perspective of what she was holding in all along. Since I wasn't here to comfort here during her grief I was out of town. So I get how hard she felt to deal with it on her own terms and appreciate her being there for me while also holding her emotion inside to get me thru it.  All I can say is I have to just pray for sanity,peace of mind and healing . Reading everyone grieve is easy for me to feel a sense of hurt band and heartbroken for your loss but when I hear the actual details that's what breaks me and I relate to it. Thanks for reminding your here and I have a voice.

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KayC
1 hour ago, JoyR said:

Now it feels very awkward to go out in public and see couples holding hands as we did. Kissing each other, in stores together ,and every little detail I took for granted as normal everyday life is what I'm lacking now. I feel like why was I not worthy of enjoying my life forever with him. Why was my relationship cut short.

OMG, I have felt the exact things.  For me it's been 14 years so I've had some time to adjust and it doesn't bother me to see couples anymore, but it was hard at first (by first I mean first year or three).  I have had people say my loss can't be like their's because they were married 50 years and we only were married 3 years 8 months.  Wow.  Not so!  No we didn't spend our whole lives together, we didn't grow up together, but you think I wouldn't have like that?  We felt we wanted to make up for lost time!  We met in our mid 40s and by 51 he was gone!  It was way too soon.  Yes I feel envious of those who got 50 years together, but at the same time I have a friend who got that and more with her husband...and she has never driven, never handled a checkbook or paid bills and now she's having to learn how to do without him?  It must feel like culture shock!  On top of the same feelings I'm feeling of just plain old missing him!  No we really can't compare, it's hard no matter how much time we get...or how little, whether we have a marriage license...or whether it was cut short too soon for that...like foreverhis says, it's not the sheepskin on the wall, it's the binding of our hearts.  

I'm glad you've talked with your friend and I hope you can be there for each other.  I understand we handle our grief differently.  I don't hide mine...I remember about a year or two after he died, I had my car worked on and they had a shuttle that took me back to work.  I'm riding in it, it was full of people and all of a sudden it hit me that he had ridden this very shuttle...and I started bawling!  People got quiet, they had no idea what was going on with me.  I sobbed all the way back to work.  People must have thought I was loony but it didn't matter.  I was grieving.

We care very much about you and what you are going through and want to be here for you.  Everything you are saying about what you're going through, what you're feeling, we get it, it's normal and I can remember feeling those same things.  It may have been a long time since I've been through it, but these are things I will never forget.  I do hope you can get some rest and food in you...and hug your dog.  Sending you love and comforting thoughts and prayers.

And foreverhis, I appreciate your post!

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foreverhis
7 hours ago, JoyR said:

But I feel it was necessary to talk about her situation because she never told anyone how she felt and it's been balled up inside until I said that.

Oh gosh, that's terrible for you both.  In some ways, it's really good that you were able to make her open up, even if it was in anger at first.  I think one of the worst things we can do is pretend everything is all fine and keep everything stuffed inside.  It's unhealthy.  I'm glad you were able to talk about it.  It sounds as if the two of you have a strong friendship that can weather all the things that come along, both good and bad.

And thanks for writing about "seeking" and life after death.  I'm not sure how to put this, but sometimes it seems as if certain subjects get kind of scattered, so putting the whole thing together can elude me.  But I guess that's what makes us human and it's probably what makes us want to learn and understand more.

I think it's good that you have a daily prayer to help give you strength.  We can all use more of that, can't we?

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JoyR

Well as I stated before since his passing I've been binging for answers. Looking for anything to give me some hope or relief . 

Im tormented if hell is real. He's done his share of things but also was good person and time and growth changes some. That being said I'm curious where is he since he hasn't visited me. I don't want him to be in hell or suffering further after death since I would like to continue on once I'm gone. I know I have no control for others but the need to be with him is what I pray for. 

So now it leave me to wonder about faith and every detail about what I need to do to make it happen. But if the dead hear nothing nor have memory and asleep then my prayers are still not answered. I'm wasting my energy for a soul that doesn't know my grief for them . He asleep and doesn't here my cry's or thoughts or anything else. And that sucks. 

If there are spirits or souls are watching us this would make me happier then him  asleep with no memory of me. That upsets me. It makes me wonder why God would let us go thru all this heartache,love,and life just to go back to dust and forget about everything we find valuable. What's the point of this. 

To love and forget someone then there's really no reward for me and I am confused. Yet I think if we born in sin and u know us all why torture us in life and afterdeath. Our whole identify means nothing then. 

I want to love God and believe but this has me questioning everything. All I want is to be with my loved ones . I don't want him burning in hell I want him with me. And the unknown is what I can't control.. I'm already praising God and living the best my ability but if all we're meant to do after we die is praise God day n night why give us thse heavy emotions and attachment and connections with each other just to have it lost anyway. 

I want to be in the same relationship after I die not just existing.  I need him to remember me and what we had together those are precious things one should continue with. It's what we want . 

. Now I'm on eggshells worried if he's sleeping ,which I want him not to be . And if his soul is happy and at peace but knowing me still . Excuse my French for what I'm about to say.  But if he sleep I want his ass to wake the hell up and be around me . Wake the f-k up. .. 

And if the end of our lives is to go back to dust then I got alot of **** to do to make my footprint here count.  I'm tired . Ranting and can't sleep. 

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