Friend's Wife Died, And Am Not Being Supportive

[Jeff In Denver]

I have three friends who all live within one block of where I live.  When I lost my girlfriend in June of 2016, they were scarce.   One of my friends, let's call him Tom, lost his wife yesterday.  She had been sick for 6 months and he was with her 24/7.  Now, understandably, after 6 months of taking care of her he doesn't know what to do with himself.  No kids or relatives, either.

Let's back up.  He was in the hospital a number of years ago, and true to form, my girlfriend, Mila, visited him every day.  However, when she was in the hospital (a lot), he never came to visit her.  He never came to the house when she was sick, either.  And when she was gone he never came over to see how I was, and neither did my other two friends.  I never felt so alone.  I felt abandoned.

One of our friends has been e-mailing me about how we should take him out to lunch, how I should go over there for a beer, etc.

I feel really guilty about this, but I don't really feel the urge to do that.  I feel very reserved.   It seems selfish and immature on my side, but I vividly recall how it went for me in 2016, and I am not happy about it.  And I am still grieving.  I really, really miss my girlfriend.  

On the other hand, I have an idea of what he is going through, although he seems to be handling it well.  I also have to keep in mind that he didn't know what this was like back then, and neither do my other two friends.  You can't know unless it happens to you.  

Has anyone been through this?  Any suggestions?  Thanks.

 

 

 

[Sunshine247]

You are absolutely right, NO ONE can understand this unless it happens to you. No matter how much you think you can relate or prepare - you cannot. I know it seems easier and perhaps helpful to act the same way towards him as he has acted toward you - but in the end, that is only hurting yourself. You are obviously a compassionate and empathetic person - otherwise, you wouldn't be here or posting this. I think in your heart of hearts you want to reach out to him, but fear being hurt again. So - all I can suggest is to take the high road. Treat him (and others) as you would WANT to be treated, not as you HAVE been treated. Be the better, bigger person. It's not easy to do all the time, let alone at a time like this - but perhaps once he realizes how difficult the path is that you have been on for the past 2+ years and how much it hurts, he too will become a better friend. So - be the Better Friend. It will make you feel better and it will help him too. Giving love is a great way to deal with grief. I can be a very vengeful, vindictive person (thanks to my mother, who lives her life that way and when that is how you are conditioned, it takes time and effort to correct it) and I have found when I let that Dark Side take control, I am miserable - but when I let the Light and the Love shine out, I glow too. 

Sending you lots of love and strength and courage. Stay true to yourself. We are all here for you.

 

Also - I am very sorry for your loss - but your girlfriend isn't lost, you know exactly where she is. Mila is a nickname for Milagro in Spanish, and milagro means miracle. Let Mila continue to be your miracle, and carry her love with you. It will give you strength.

[ForgetMeNot150]

Hi Jeff,

I totally agree with @Sunshine247 and I think you should be there for "Tom". It won't undo the loneliness you felt, but it might just help you with your grieving as you will be able to talk about what you have been through. I have felt incredibly lonely throughout my grieving despite having people check on me - I think that is just part of losing our partner as no one can replace the support and companionship we got from them.

Holding onto the resentment and feeling guilty about not helping him will only make you feel worse in the long run. See it as an opportunity to get rid of that hurt and negativity that you've kept inside and the next step in your own healing. ♥

Quote

18 minutes ago, Sunshine247 said:

when I let the Light and the Love shine out, I glow too

I love this comment and it is so true. When we give out positive energy, we feel so much better and stronger for it!

Stay strong and positive and as Sunshine247 says, we are here for you if you need us!

Michelle

[Jamiei]

Hi Jeff, 

I totally understand how you feel! But I do agree with the others, go check on him and see how he is! Maybe you all can be there for each other now! I know it doesn’t take the pain away of how everyone abandoned you, but like sunshine247 said nobody has a clue of the pain until it happens to them! Every single person has disappeared from my life except my kids. So I know the loneliness and it’s horrible!

[widower2]

I would say go with what works for you and don't let guilt drive your decision.  Go with what works.  If that's getting together with this guy, fine.  If it's not, don't beat yourself up about it.  I was similarly abandoned by "friends" and while none of them has since gone through a similar loss, if God forbid they did, while I'd feel bad for them, frankly I would not be inclined to associate with them whatsoever.  That isn't being spiteful or whatever else people might try to paint it as...it's simply that after their attitude and abandonment after I lost my beloved, they made it clear we are no longer friends.  I am therefore simply honoring their decision.

Again:  go with what works.  I think your gut will tell you which way to go.

[Sunflower2]

only a suggestion.  you do not have to decide today or tomorrow or next week.  set it aside actually and the answer will come.

 

simple text?  "I understand the pain of such a loss.  My thoughts are with you"

 

no more no less. Don't "over" commit …with your availability to be there if he needs anything,.that is how I worked through situations such as this. 

[KayC]

I understand your resentment, but I would take the high road.  You are right that he didn't know what it was like at the time, nor how to help.  You do know, perhaps you can be there for him.  This isn't the time to mend fences, he has his hands full with his loss right now.  You say he seems to be doing pretty well...keep in mind that people don't always show what they're feeling and going through, he may be holding it together in front of others and falling apart when alone.

Sunflower's points are good ones, you don't have to commit to anything big, maybe just meet with him and see how it goes, what you feel up to.  It could be it'll trigger everything in you and you can't handle much, you won't know unless you try, but just letting him know you understand, that alone goes a long ways.

[Jeff In Denver]

Thanks for your responses.  I really appreciate them.  I did stop by yesterday and will have a beer with him today.  This is not the time to be petty.  I read all of your responses in detail.  Many thanks.

Sunflower2, thanks. 

ForGetMeNot150 - good post.  Thanks.

Sunshine247 - I appreciate it!  Yes, Milagros - miracles...

Widower2, I hear you.  You put it very well.  I no longer see my "friends" as true friends after that, no matter how I frame it in my mind.  I felt totally abandoned and it's hard to forget that.  I know I have a tendency toward spite and revenge, and I think I should work on that.

Jamiei, I am sorry that you have gone through the abandonment aspect also.

KayC, thank you.  You're always so insightful and helpful here.

 

 

[widower2]

Jeff, definitely don't want to be spiteful or get "revenge" and hope that's not what you took from my reply.  Glad you were able to connect with him.  Sometimes friends turn out not to be true friends but sometimes it's not that at all, they just don't know how to respond and so sometimes that means they don't.  Not excusing it, but not suggesting it's automatically a reason to let the friendship drop off either.  It's a case by case thing.  Again glad you preserved this one.

[KayC]

I agree with what widower said, I know it's hard when he wasn't there for you...proud of you, glad you had a beer from him, am sure it meant a lot to him.

[Sunshine247]

I am learning - baby steps. Good job on making some progress and stopping by to visit him. Go have that beer - it might help YOU too   I am finding that if I am able to focus on someone else, that I feel much better. It doesn't stop me from missing Bob, it doesn't make the hurt go away, but it's like those wise philosophers, The Beatles, said - the love to take is equal to the love you make. Giving to others helps us heal ourselves. There is so much tragedy going on all around me right now - I am in Southern California, about half way between LA and San Diego, near Camp Pendleton (if you want to Google map it) and lived in San Francisco for 22 years - the fires here have just decimated our state and I have friends - not just "know people" - in both areas that have been affected. There are hundreds of animals displaced or lost or injured. There are people suffering tragedy every day. Of course, our own is the worst - and it IS. But I find that turning my grief into help is helping me deal with it. I'm not sure that this will work for others but it's worth a try.  And if Tom is reaching out to you now, maybe that means that he is realizes now how wrong it was for him to not be there for you before. Remember, forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself. Holding grudges and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Stay strong and keep believing in Milagros - they will come to you in unexpected ways. Just keep your heart and mind open. Sending hugs and love to all. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

But I find that turning my grief into help is helping me deal with it.

 

23 hours ago, Sunshine247 said:

Remember, forgiveness is a gift that you give to yourself. Holding grudges and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Wise woman!

[ModHerc]

@Jeff In Denver,

It looks like I am a little late on this one, but still want to offer my two cents.  I’d say look after yourself first.  If you find the interactions with Tom to be harmful to you in anyway, don’t hesitate to do what you need to care for yourself despite any perceived “pettiness” either that others perceive or that you place upon yourself.  Grief is a difficult journey, and we don’t need to put hurdles in our own path to make it even harder.

That having been said, I relate to Tom a bit.  I had a coworker whose wife passed before mine.  I offered polite condolences and checked on him a few times when it was convenient for me to do so.  I definitely didn’t go out of my way to actually give him help, or even really empathize with him.  I just didn’t understand at that point what he was going through.

He retired and disappeared, and then my wife passed.  To this day I regret not having been there more for my coworker when he probably needed the help most.  I simply didn’t understand when it happened to him how devestating it is.  You may see a very different response from Tom as he grapples with his own loss, and realizes how much more he could, and should, have done for you in your time of need.  But once again do what you need to for yourself first, self care in my opinion takes priority over all the rest, particularly given the way Tom acted in the past.

[Lost6263]

On 11/13/2018 at 11:23 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

I have three friends who all live within one block of where I live.  When I lost my girlfriend in June of 2016, they were scarce.   One of my friends, let's call him Tom, lost his wife yesterday.  She had been sick for 6 months and he was with her 24/7.  Now, understandably, after 6 months of taking care of her he doesn't know what to do with himself.  No kids or relatives, either.

Let's back up.  He was in the hospital a number of years ago, and true to form, my girlfriend, Mila, visited him every day.  However, when she was in the hospital (a lot), he never came to visit her.  He never came to the house when she was sick, either.  And when she was gone he never came over to see how I was, and neither did my other two friends.  I never felt so alone.  I felt abandoned.

One of our friends has been e-mailing me about how we should take him out to lunch, how I should go over there for a beer, etc.

I feel really guilty about this, but I don't really feel the urge to do that.  I feel very reserved.   It seems selfish and immature on my side, but I vividly recall how it went for me in 2016, and I am not happy about it.  And I am still grieving.  I really, really miss my girlfriend.  

On the other hand, I have an idea of what he is going through, although he seems to be handling it well.  I also have to keep in mind that he didn't know what this was like back then, and neither do my other two friends.  You can't know unless it happens to you.  

Has anyone been through this?  Any suggestions?  Thanks.

 

 

 

Two months after I lost my husband a good family friend lost her husband. First she never reached out to me when I lost my husband. I felt it odd because a few years back when she went through surgery for breast cancer I made a point of being there for her. I didn't reach out to her because I didn't know what to say, I was in a very dark place and my feelings were hurt that she didn't reach out to me. She has cut everyone out of her life, she has made some horrible decisions, and sadly I keep thinking maybe if I had reached out it could have made a difference. What's hard for me is I'm still miles deep in grief and depression. I too cut many people out of my life. I don't have the energy for others peoples problems. I can barely keep afloat. I'm a worrier and tend to all put everyone before myself. That being said make the effort, do it because you know how much it would have meant to you if he had mad enough the effort. Do it because we all make mistakes and we are human and we know how bad this gets and feels. I hope you make the decision that is right for you.