Five Months: Desperate

[HPB]

Five months and two days. It's getting worse, not better.

I prepared quite a long thread today, but decided to not put it public. Too desperate, too negative. I'm very, very sad. 

This is not helpful for others. Instead of it, I now simply say:

Keiko-san, my beloved sweet wife, I love you forever and in all eternity!

[Sunflower2]

Raw feelings can be shared. Your life and heart has been shattered. Take one moment at a time. You will move through the pain.

[HPB]

9 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

Raw feelings can be shared. 

There you go:

Five months and two days. It's getting worse, not better.
I don't know what I should write, this pain in my heart is unbearable. These words look too harmless, ...there's a kind of inflation in using terms like unbearable, agony, torture and the like. But I'm really feeling reaching my limits of suffering. It's even unbearable for minutes, but this agony is already lasting not hours or days, but almost half a year. I'm aware that some folks here already spent more than a decade of suffering, but I really ask myself; what's the point!? What does it tell us when we'd prefer own immediate death rather than continuing this miserable torture called earthly life?

It tells me that the pain - which is an indicator of my love towards my deceased wife - is stronger than valuing my own life. I believe that most of us only remain in this horrific life because we fear punishment from God when we do otherwise! Well, some care about the pets that would be left, others even have children. Of course these are very legitimate, good reasons to take the burden of continuous agony. But how about me; almost no relatives left, no kids, no pets...

If I had an atheistic mindset I would not hesitate a day to end my pain!

I'd prefer not to opt out, but every individual has it's limits. When will it come, my personal limit of suffering capability, the end of the road? The other day a comparison came to my mind: A skyscraper in flames; people escaping to the balconies and holding desperately on the railings, standing already on the rim outside beneath the abyss. The heat of the flames from inside the rooms is already intense , but gradually getting unbearable. The people don't want to give up, but finally there's no other way than to let go to avoid beeing burned alive.

My foggy brain already feels like being burned, let alone my broken heart.

I tried to function as good as I could so far, after going robot-like through the duties related to the funeral/cremation (in Japan - with partly shocking cremation rituals, being isolated in a traumatic way 'cause literally nobody comprehends English, German, or French etc.), after going for endless robot-like city walks to manage the stress and reduce the risk of PTSD, after losing 20 pounds not only due to the walks and lacking appetite, but also due to stopping alcohol intake completely (knowing it will just worsen the psychical condition). After trying to eat enough vitamins and the like, avoiding junk food but eating fruits and vegatables, after having tried (without success) a meeting with a PTSD therapist. After having talked uncountable times to "understanding" (nobody can understand what we're going through) friends, after having visited a grief group once (also here, no benefit for me);

after having tried everything conceivable to somehow mitigate the disaster; NOTHING HELPS!

This is a life task, a brutal test, that cannot be won. There's no "solution", we cannot get back our beloved spouse. This would be the only solution. My brain, my heart is not able to cope with this situation that cannot be solved, the brain/heart is continuing searching unremittingly for the lost "object":

"...I  think  I  am  beginning  to  understand  why  grief feels  like  suspense.  It  comes  from  the  frustration  of so  many  impulses  that  had  become  habitual. Thought  after  thought,  feeling  after  feeling,  action after  action,  had  H.  for  their  object.  Now  their  target  is  gone.  I  keep  on  through  habit  fitting  an  arrow to  the  string,  then  I  remember  and  have  to  lay  the bow  down.  So  many  roads  lead  thought  to  H.  I  set out  on  one  of  them.  But  now  there’s  an  impassable frontierpost  across  it. ..."   (A Grief Observed)

I think this really is torture, limbo, being in a situation where there is no way out (well: beside opting out).

Sitting in the waiting room. Day after day. Year after year. Until finally the grim reaper will enter.

This is hell, can it be worse in the after life? The irony;  I don't even have the energy and focusing ability to rewrite my testament, so I could not even opt out at the moment.

But honestly it's far from being funny; every morning when waking up it's like two steps backwards after having made one step ahead during the previous day. Every single waking up in the night of poor sleep, the conciousness is shocked over and over again by realizing the reality after having had a short time out when dreaming.

Sorry for the rant. HPB, desperate

 

[ModKatB]

1 hour ago, HPB said:

 

Sorry for the rant. HPB, desperate

 

There is no need to feel sorry for the rant. On the 9th of this month it was just 7 months ago I lost my husband to cancer and some days it still feels like it was just yesterday. My husband was not feeling well for a couple of months before he finally went to the doctor and in Jan of this year we found out he had cancer of the colon, liver and lungs. He made it 1 more month before he passed away. I still don't understand how he could have had so much cancer in his body and not be any sicker than he was up until that last few months. After he died I lost it completely for a while and even considered ending my own life but my youngest daughter asked me to come stay with her so I am still here and still hurting. I also have to think of what my husband would have wanted me to do and he would have not wanted me to give up on life. There are no easy solutions and no magic pills or potions to take this pain away and even though this may sound like a broken record, you are not alone. All of the ones here are suffering and looking for answers to all of the things that have taken over our lives. Please don't give up on yourself. We are all on a long and hard journey but it is possible to get to a place where the pain won't be the only thing that you feel. Prayers and hugs to you.

[JBSC01]

@HPB    Our loss dates are just 1 day apart, and what you wrote i feel the exact same way. I have really nothing more to add, no advise. Just wanted to say im in the same boat, nothing left to give or live for no kids, but for some reason I cant kill myself so i remain stuck in this hell on earth in between living and death. What do you call it purgatory? but we're still technically alive.   

[Michelene]

4 hours ago, HPB said:

I'd prefer not to opt out, but every individual has it's limits. When will it come, my personal limit of suffering capability, the end of the road? The other day a comparison came to my mind: A skyscraper in flames; people escaping to the balconies and holding desperately on the railings, standing already on the rim outside beneath the abyss. The heat of the flames from inside the rooms is already intense , but gradually getting unbearable. The people don't want to give up, but finally there's no other way than to let go to avoid beeing burned alive.

My foggy brain already feels like being burned, let alone my broken heart.

I tried to function as good as I could so far, after going robot-like through the duties related to the funeral/cremation (in Japan - with partly shocking cremation rituals, being isolated in a traumatic way 'cause literally nobody comprehends English, German, or French etc.), after going for endless robot-like city walks to manage the stress and reduce the risk of PTSD, after losing 20 pounds not only due to the walks and lacking appetite, but also due to stopping alcohol intake completely (knowing it will just worsen the psychical condition). After trying to eat enough vitamins and the like, avoiding junk food but eating fruits and vegatables, after having tried (without success) a meeting with a PTSD therapist. After having talked uncountable times to "understanding" (nobody can understand what we're going through) friends, after having visited a grief group once (also here, no benefit for me);

after having tried everything conceivable to somehow mitigate the disaster; NOTHING HELPS!

This is a life task, a brutal test, that cannot be won. There's no "solution", we cannot get back our beloved spouse. This would be the only solution. My brain, my heart is not able to cope with this situation that cannot be solved, the brain/heart is continuing searchingunremittingly for the lost "object":

 

HPB: I am nine months out, and it seems to get worse...yes, and despite having gone to a trauma therapist over the summer, I am back to obsessing over the last week of my husband's life--I was out of town when he had his heart attack, so he delayed seeking treatment, and this caused severe damage to his heart, which impacted the effectiveness of the stent the placed in his artery. I wish I hadn't gotten on the plane, I wish I had called him that night, I wish I had stayed up all night so that when he went into cardiac arrest a week later I could have intervened sooner. I feel endless guilt and remorse. But sometimes I have to push that, I feel myself almost mentally pushing it aside at my job so I can focus on job tasks. I feel like ending my life is not the way to get closer to him, my Eric. That is what I want--I want him back, and if not that, I want to be closer to him. So I read our old letters to each other aloud, I read things aloud, I talk out loud to him a lot, i want our bond to continue, I feel like I desperately need to strengthen our bond...

[Sunflower2]

@HPB yes your feelings of pain! Your body is reacting to this devastating loss on all levels: Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

It feels unbearable.  HPB there is even a book out titled "Bearing the Unbearable! " 

Grief is unbearable and excruciating! We do get through it.  Be kind to yourself! Honor yourself and this pain!  The waves of grief sneak upon us. we feel we have no control.  You do have control in how you decide to walk through the pain.  Just continue to give yourself permission to share the pain.  Find your safe spaces to share. Your post was an authentic experience of pain.  A place we are all in.  We will in time learn to find the comfort in grief.  

[KayC]

18 hours ago, HPB said:

Five months and two days. It's getting worse, not better.

I prepared quite a long thread today, but decided to not put it public. Too desperate, too negative. I'm very, very sad. 

This is not helpful for others. Instead of it, I now simply say:

Keiko-san, my beloved sweet wife, I love you forever and in all eternity!

It's totally okay to post your negative feelings, no matter how raw, we'd understand, many of us can relate or remember feelings exactly the same way.  It is our rawest purest form that helps people understand they are not alone in this, in how they feel.

Sunflower said it well, be patient, understanding and kind to yourself, you need it right now.  

You are in that hardest phase of grief, the six month mark where shock has lifted the cushions and reality has come crashing in, we do get through this, eventually the pain will lessen to something more doable, you will adjust to the changes this has meant to your life, I know, it seems unfathomable, but our bodies really are quite amazing, we think it not possible, but then we experience the unthinkable.  Hold on, we're here with you, sitting with you, we'll be with you as you go through this, every step of the way.

[HPB]

@Sunflower2, @KatB, @JBSC01, @Michelene, @adventure and @KayC

Thank you very much for understanding and being with me. My life feels now worthless, it also feels like God is testing me(us?). At the risk of repeating myself; if at the very end of this most difficult road to pass is a reunion* with our loved one, then I will  - one day to come looking back to it - be "happy" to have suffered beyond my limits. (* I want to believe in it, and the reported NDE's are providing encouraging first hand evidence).

Everything is turned upside down. I was planning before (having [also financially] the full responsability for the two of us) 30 to 40 years ahead. 

Now I'm planning one day, max. one week ahead. Nothing matters anymore. I try to be open for the oportunities and empathy (also yours!) that come my way. And I try to be useful for others. But there's no more planning for the rest life. The higher power has to do that now.

I still take care of the soul's temple ...but the fear to lose the life is gone. I guess I'm not the only one. 

Thank you again, the consolation provided by the people in this blog - thousands of miles away - is surpassing anything that I have here close by.

 

[Michelene]

31 minutes ago, HPB said:

@Sunflower2, @KatB, @JBSC01, @Michelene, @adventure and @KayC

 

I still take care of the soul's temple ...but the fear to lose the life is gone. I guess I'm not the only one. 

 

 

Yes, exactly--the fear to lose the life is gone...good way to phrase it. I find Hans Wilhelm's videos comforting and enlightening:

http://www.lifeexplained.com/

 

 

[HPB]

@Michelene

..yes, I also came across Wilhelm's videos quite some time ago, and watched many of them. One thing I didn't like about it is that they are still quite "fear based". Sometimes I really ask myself if all these spiritual talkers on the web already experienced a horrific loss themselves that could lead them to own suicidal ideation. It's easy to scare potential "suiciders" by telling them that if they chose this option they will have to relive all the pain again. ( I just saw that Wilhelm now disabled/removed the comments in his Youtube vids. Apparently he didn't like that people put similar thoughts there.)

Wilhelm's portrayed spiritual concept is - like in Buddhism and Hinduism - believing in reincarnation.

For me that's a "No Thank You!". Firstly it's enough for me to "only" live one earthly life, but reincarnation also makes a desired potential reunion with the beloved partner very questionable/unlikely.

I get more solace with the spiritual findings of Swedenborg. It's "Reincarnation light" so to speak; only one life to go through on Earth, but with the option of some kind of "change of position" once in the spiritual world: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVYKEfpnxj0

 

I'm aware that fundamental christians are not happy with Swedenborgs view, but I really prefer the concept of a loving God that basically accepts all people with a good heart into heaven, compared to the harsh concept of a narrow road for a few to go there, and a broad road leading into the fiery abyss.

That was a little bit off topic (forum: loss of a partner)

 

 

[Spengler]

By enduring the pain you are honoring the memory of your loved one. As Stephen Donaldson wrote, "The purpose of the living is to give meaning to the sacrifices of the dead."

[Sunflower2]

6 hours ago, HPB said:

I really prefer the concept of a loving God that basically accepts all people with a good heart into heaven

yes

[KayC]

HPB,

Yes, the fear of death is gone.  When our time has come, we will welcome our reunion day with them!