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About JBSC01

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  • Loss Type
    GF, LOML, BFF, Future
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    United States

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  1. @HPB Our loss dates are just 1 day apart, and what you wrote i feel the exact same way. I have really nothing more to add, no advise. Just wanted to say im in the same boat, nothing left to give or live for no kids, but for some reason I cant kill myself so i remain stuck in this hell on earth in between living and death. What do you call it purgatory? but we're still technically alive.
  2. JBSC01


    Thank you for sharing, yes i totally feel you, it is the worst thing imaginable, the magnitude of this and pain is extreme, and the suffering is all too real. Lots of triggers. Yep even all the good happy memories hurt bad at this point. I dont know anything about lightness or acceptance as im only 4 months in and dont feel that part yet. Please never edit this, you should never edit your feelings or emotions, let them flow with all there glory. Let it be what it is RAW.
  3. Yes I did, thank you, a lot of good info, and lot of other good articles on that site as well. Thank you, i'm trying to be easier on myself. Its just nothing makes sense and its easier to put it all or most of it on me. I'm positive she knows. All of our loved ones have to know how much we loved them and still do, always and forever!
  4. @bambina I feel that exact same way, so i cant offer much help other than to say i really understand you and feel you. Yeah i wont go anywhere near where we used to live together, i had to just give up our apartment just a week after she left and not look back, its just toooo painful to be there and even in the same city. This is hell, pain,misery, loneliness, emptiness,a broken life now, but somehow we must learn to navigate through it one baby step then eventually larger steps at a time i guess idk. One moment that a time. I just really hate being here without her as you do him, but what can we do? Jump off a bridge? or try to live the best we can for our loved ones and ourselves?
  5. Thank you, i know thats all true. I know these feelings might be irrational and not healthy to put it all on me but its there. I'm always in the middle about God and an afterlife, all i can say is i really really hope there is. Thank you. Yeah i know i am very hard on myself and shouldnt be. I'm trying to release myself from blame but who else is there to blame besides her and i cant and wont put that on her, even though not going to lie occasionally i do blame her for leaving me. Yeah i learned that harsh reality too, no one is ever promised tomorrow. Thanks for understanding, yeah feeling like no matter how much we did or how strong we were it wasnt enough is really defeating and unbearable hard.
  6. I know guilt is a big topic in this journey and pretty much everyone here is dealing with or has dealt with guilt on multiple levels. Now what i'm referring to is guilt specifically as a Man. Generally in our society it is felt that the man of a family is supposed to be the protector, the one that should take care of his wife, kids, etc..and never let anything bad happen to them at all cost. I seem to struggle with that a bit. Even though my family, her family and friends, all thank me for taking care of her, sing me praises for sticking by her through everything, thick and thin, and never giving up on her once for the whole 4 years we were together up until the end, i still cant help but feel I failed, like no matter how much i did, bent over backwards for her, put her way ahead of myself, etc it was all for not because i couldn't save her, it all still ended in the worst possible way. I know deep down inside i gave everything i had to her, to our relationship, to the point of exhaustion sometimes, it wasn't enough. Although we were trying, we didn't have kids, so it was just me and her. So i had just one job as the man to keep her safe and i failed, that is and going to be really hard to live with. I had her Mom thanking me in the hospital for taking care of her daughter as my baby (and her baby) was lying there in a medically induced coma. Her siblings thanking me for sticking by her. And the kicker was her Dad after the memorial service thanking me for taking care of his baby girl. While i really appreciate all the thank yous its really hard for me to hear because i feel like noooo dont thank me! i dont deserve it! i failed her!, myself, everyone that loves her. As the protector I failed to do my job in the worst way. Thanks for reading God help us all!
  7. JBSC01


    Thanks Leann for responding, that quilt sounds really awesome! Its great to have those things. The problem is i will have to go through and look at the pics in order to send it in to get made in the first place, so thats the dilemma Thats great, I think ill start a new tread where we all post pics of things we wear or keep with us all day everyday that bring us comfort.
  8. JBSC01


    Well hopefully i will be able to at least tolerate looking at pics "soon" and it could be a while but i really want to make that photo blanket, it would really suck if im never able to get it made because pictures hurt too much.
  9. I'm 14 weeks in and still cant look at pictures of my baby or us without totally losing it. If i accidentally open a pic of us or her on my phone or pc I immediately have to close it then just start bawling. I know everyone is different but just to get an idea how long did it take you all to start looking at pics for more than a sec without crying. And how long did it take you to look at them and actually smile or laugh? I had an idea to get a big fleece photo blanket (with a bunch of pics of her and us) done but seeing as i cant look at pictures yet i'm going to have to wait a while on that.
  10. Michelle, I haven't told my full story on here yet, and i will some time when i feel ready, but i just wanted to at least say i understand and relate to yours. I'm 35, the love of my life was 34, we were together for 4 yrs, we were gonna get married, have children, the whole deal when she suddenly unexpectedly passed a little over 3 months ago due to alcohol abuse and more specifically binge drinking cycles. She would go on cycles of 1 or 2 week binges then i would have to help her taper off and recover. She would then be so good for a week, 2, a month, or 2 or 3 then relapse and start again. So i get how it is dealing with, living with, and being with someone who you love more than anything (watch them, go through it with them, clean up the mess over and over, try to get them help constantly, etc, etc, etc.) go through severe alcohol dependence coupled with bad depression and anxiety. One day, one breath at a time is all we can do. I'm a complete mess and still deep in this hell, nightmare 14 weeks in so cant offer much hope or advice other than keep moving forward no matter how slow or how many times you fall flat on your face or stumble backwards. And just be kind to yourself, eat, drink lots of water, only do what you can when you can. Keeping my life as simple as I can is how i'm navigating through so far. I guess it sort of works since im still alive.
  11. So true! And every little thing we do takes soo much effort, physically, mentally, emotionally. I when i mean every little thing i mean even every breath.
  12. I'm sorry for your pain too, its unbearable, how are we supposed to live like this when everyday is torture. Yes extremely heavy, and exhausting, i have yet to have any light moments, maybe someday but right now cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. How can this be real life? Is it even worth living in this state?
  13. LeannC45, I 100% get it and feel you on this. I have no good days, everyday I cry and scream, multiple times a day and when i'm not crying I'm the walking dead. This is a living nightmare you cant wake from. Mornings are the absolute worse for me, thats when reality slaps you in the face and we're forced to go through another day in hell. I say the same thing, I cant take this anymore, this cant be real, and how could this have happened, it wasnt supposed to be this way, etc... But apparently we have no choice but to move forward even if it is excruciating and we will take lots of steps back but force yourselves to get back up and take another step. I'm barely holding it together also, and just miss and want my baby back as we all do sooooo badly.
  14. I am so confused nowadays since my loss, nothing makes sense anymore, nothing seems to matter. My question is does anyone else feel as if all of the lines are blurred together in one big scribble, the lines i am referring to are Grief, Depression, Anxiety, Stress. I cant seem to differentiate them. They all seem as one, I cant tell what each of them feels like anymore on their own. Maybe just my crazy head, but i wanted to know if anyone felt the same or similar
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