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Grieving can bring out the dark side of us. However, how do we talk about these deep, intense emotions? Generally non-grievers do not want to hear about the angst of grieving. Share here with others about the dark side of grieving. Keep in mind to be respectful of others and their emotions. This forum will stick strictly to the topic.
  1. What's new in this club
  2. Mianko471

    Lost my boyfriend to drugs

    I am so sorry for your hurt and loss. I hope we all find peace and do not allow the what-ifs to tear us down. Sending out some positive energy.
  3. "An island against the ocean that splashes at my shores threatening to wash my land away." - That was lovely. I feel that exact same way. I too lost my boyfriend to drugs, Heroin. It pains me that you are so young. I'm twice your age and cant figure out for myself how to cope or deal or even live in some normal fashion. Kudos for you trying to save the ones around you. I never even tried. I was just bitter and angry and just awful to those around me that were still using - and still most are. I even said horrible things like "It should have been you" or "I wish it were you". For such a young lady, regardless of all your hurt, you are a lovely example to follow in my eyes. I hope I can have a kinder heart like you.
  4. Dear @heatherllyynn, I am so sorry for your pain. You might consider starting a blog here on grieving.com as your outlet; I did after the death of my Father on May 2, 2018 called Baby's Heart, and doing so has really helped me cut through this beast called Grief. Be well, @TLN.
  5. To start off I am only 16, almost 17. I lost him almost 5 months ago. The pain has waxed and waned. But recently I have started to see him everywhere. Today would have been one year with him. It feels like anywhere I go, anything I touch, anything that remotely reminds me of him will flash me back into the past. Most nights I feel like I have lost my mind, through the dissociating and my thoughts begging for a psychotic episode so I can at least have a hallucination of him. Most people don't understand. I beg my friends to become sober, to try to quit weed and alcohol. Although I know he didn't pass due to that, it felt like those substances led him to take percs. And I cannot help but shake off the feeling that those around me are going to die. It consumes me to the point where I find myself helping others, when I am struggling so much myself. Most of my friends chalk it up to me just being overly dramatic. I try to be the happy and bubbly girl that I want to be. But it pains me so much watching others fall down these paths. It feels like I am stuck in a glass box watching those around me be subject to torture. Yet I am powerless. Writing has always been something for me to fall back on and I have often tried to channel my morbid thoughts into them. And tonight. Out of all nights, out of the worst nights to do so, they made a comment about percs. They could have used any mainstream drugs used in songs to glamorize them even more than the teenage culture already does. But they both chose their words. "I am for real going to pop a Perc." "I am about to pop five percs bro". I have tried to gain tougher skin to song lyrics to small comments to my friends admitting their usage of smoking and drinking. But this was on our anniversary and maybe I am sensitive, maybe I am just the crazy girl with a dead boyfriend, but why? I am already so broken and it is like people turn the other cheek and forget my cries for help to them. They weren't even song lyrics they were as clear as day; sentences that they both chose to say. I wish I could laugh with them and make a joke about the same. But here I am. An island against the ocean that splashes at my shores threatening to wash my land away. Stuck trying to engender change in a generation that would rather laugh at me then try to listen to what I want to say. Here is a poem I wrote about trying to save him. If you managed to read this and take the time to hear my story; thank you. I have tried to read others on here but it feels that everything triggers me. I feel a little bit better using this as an outlet. I wish the best to all of you that had to join this website, but hopefully we can find comfort in one another. I tried Tears wept for you Voice raised Hands ripping it away Begging for you To stop Lies unveiled Sometimes I wish they stayed secret As you blamed red eyes On lack of sleep Slurred words On your real medication Until one day It wasn’t enough to make you stay So now You have left me here To watch everyone else Follow the same path as you -I can’t save anyone
  6. AliceOliver2017

    Anticipatory grief

    I don't know if your situation is like mine but as both my parents declined in a nursing facility. I grieved their decline, know what it was leading them too. My mom's decline during pandemic really crushed me. I was helpless to help her except calls and at some points masked visits mostly outside. That felt like grief. Her mental decline and physical decline was so sad, and I assumed at her age she wouldn't bounce back when pandemic eased up, little did i know she wouldn't survive pandemic. Even when she had her deadly GI tear i mourned during those weeks as she no longer could understand me and vice versa. I think mourning goes beyond death. I mourned her healthy self.
  7. @TLN I dont want to show out my feelings of grief to that parent, since I don't want them to think I don't have any hope's for them... I do need counseling but pandemic shut down my health insurance for a while, till there's more "spaces" for students...
  8. Dear @Itzel, I cannot say I understand "anticipatory" grief, as that is not my situation; my Father, who died on May, 2, 2018, was larger than life and because of this seemed as though he would live forever. When he did die, I was blindsided with this beast called Grief. But to say you fear what will happen to you if your parent dies; I think that is normal. Have you tried talking to a counselor? Your parent? @TLN.
  9. I wish I had someone to talk to, without judging me for already starting my grief even though my parent is still alive. I dont have many friends, or should I say I dont have none, I just have one partner and he doesn't like when I talk to him about that because I am too intense and might be draining him emotionally. I want to know when will this pain end?, how can I make it stop? It wont let me sleep nor either feel; I have no energy to do much but my work, I get bored easily, I get distracted easily, I am lost, and I don't like this, especially because I feel like it's stopping me to spend more time and be happy with my parent while I can. We're only 4 in our family, 2 live with me, one of my parents is the one I know i'tll pass away, the other one isn't supportive and I'm scared; the other family member doesn't live here. The rest of my relatives live in an other country, I'm scared not only of losing my parent, but of my future, I will lose my only friend, my only supporter, and I'll be with someone who I dont have the assurance will let me go reach my dreams. Is there any hope?
  10. It sounds so tough. I am glad that you can feel you are in a better place now. It is sad but we still have hope.
  11. Hello all, I am having a particularly dark day today. I feel cut off from all love, both from the world and Heaven itself. I don't know what to do; I refuse to die... but oh how I feel like doing so. Please help...TLN.
  12. Dear JoyR, I can relate to the spiritual war involved in grief. Since my Father died 3 years ago this May 2nd, I have been embroiled in this war to know God as I did before he died. His presence has fled from me; and if I did not know better, I would think God Himself had died and that that is why this darkness has settled on me. I do want the hurt to stop; yet, there is the worry and self-condemnation of moving on without the deceased. Like if I go on does that mean I have forgotten him? Does that mean I no longer care that he is gone? I want the wound to heal; yet, I will not forget him. My heart goes out to you. Be well, TLN.
  13. myloss123

    The Dark Pit

    Hello everyone. I'm sorry we are all here for similar reasons, but glad that this is such an inclusive site and helps some days. I don't know if this is the right forum, but I have a question that seems taboo to many people in my life. Please don't feel offended, but if anyone wants to comment in any way, feel free. I have really dark days. It's been 16 months since my fiancé died from cancer, long battle. Mid 30s and we had our life planned together. I have a lot of thoughts. sometimes, when I see people being happy. Holding hands in the grocery store, enjoying their families, my sister being engaged, my friends having their own family/home/careers in order. I get jealous, because I lost all of that and I don't know how to be happy about it. I went to a wedding of a close friend recently and had to take off because I was about to break down. It's not everyday, but it's hard to express to them why I'm being "unhappy" in their words, and when I try to explain, they call me selfish. I lost the ONE person in my life that truly understood me, accepted me, without trying to change me at all. The one I let in fully. She was an amazing woman that changed many kids and families lives. Anyway, I'm rambling again. I just want to know if I'm being too harsh or if anyone has these thoughts at times.
  14. I just wanted to share with everyone a few moments of reprieve I felt these last few days. They were shortlived; but for those moments I actually felt alive again, like there is hope after all of life after grief. It doesn't sound like much, just a few moments; but after nearly 3 years of uninterrupted, abysmal despair, these few moments were like precious drops of cool, clear water to a parched and dying woman. So what was I doing when these moments of reprieve happened? Just living. Grocery shopping, things like that. Nothing big, just everyday things while thinking about him and the things we did together. Maybe that's the answer: Just be. Live. Keep going and eventually little by little by little life and strength will be restored. Keep thinking of him. Celebrate his life rather then letting myself be consumed with his death. And fear not: my Father and I shall see each other again. I just wish it didn't take so long. Thank you for listening. TLN.
  15. When i start to fall asleep, since my Father died, i have the terrifying thought that i am about to enter blackness. extinction. nothingness. I think that is where my Father is--or more accurately, is not; and i think that is why this grief over his death is ripping me apart. I believe in God; but i don't feel His presence like in the past before he died. i have not, in fact, since the day he died nearly three years ago. this is most assuredly the dark pit and it is horrifying. thank you for listening. TLN.
  16. Since the death of my Father in May of 2018, or MAYDAY as I call it, this is how I imagine my heart. torn asunder by grief. i have come to call it death-star-heart. as this image from Star Wars of the Death Star, this grief has ripped my heart in half. something about this image resonates with how i feel. God doesn't answer when I cry out, just a maddening silence. It is as though He died on that day in May. my Father is gone. and every thought i have of him, which is to say every thought; every one is an arrow in my already hollow, jagged heart. i worshipped my Father. More people hated him than loved him; but to me he was everything and I never understood why he was so disliked. They have moved on. i have not. they say i should be over it by now. let it go. He's dead. Move on. How, when all is loneliness without him? Darkness. yes, i understand it. Thick black darkness. I feel it. i have got to hope it doesn't last forever. Dying is tempting; but I refuse. Keep going... that is all i know to do. thank you for listening. TLN. 
  17. I do understand the dark pit. the depths, as you say. it is a darkness you can feel. When my Father died, I was blown away. It was sudden, unexpected, and violent. Dazed, not knowing what had happened but knowing he was dead. Then came the grief, like an explosion of pain in my heart. Piercing. Searing. So much I nearly went mad. It seemed like God died that very day: no presence, no answer; just terrifying silence. Ever since that day--May 2, 2018--I cannot stand the silence. Think, think, think. that's all i do. Silence is death to me in this grief. to say I miss him is the understatement of understatements. I cannot breathe. His death is suffocation to me. everyone else has moved on. i don't know how i ever will. I can do nothing but keep going or die--and I refuse to do the latter. Thank you for posting. Writing this helps. Love, TLN.
  18. sadbluebird

    Taboo Grief

    That sounds nice to eat food that is connected to him. Game night is a great idea also! My mom and I loved games.
  19. Marie M

    Taboo Grief

    When it's possible, I like to eat at Mongolian Barbecue to honor his life. Other than that, game nights help. Activities like that are most helpful to me. Visiting cemeteries has never been helpful to me. It was hard when I lived near the cemeteries and had to drive past them.
  20. sadbluebird

    Taboo Grief

    I saw that in your earlier post that you have a supportive relationship with your partner and that is so good to hear! I know everyone experiences the anniversaries differently but I understand how challenging it is. Do you have any activities that you do to honor his life?
  21. Marie M

    Taboo Grief

    I am doing pretty well right now. I started a job that allows me to work from home, which is helpful. A week ago was the ex who committed suicide's birthday so that was a little hard. My fiance was really supportive, though. How are you?
  22. sadbluebird

    Taboo Grief

    Hi Marie, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. It does indeed feel rotten to not receive the type support that we each crave. I understand the hurt and confusion of estrangement as I have had a difficult time with family relationship after my mom died last year. It’s so hard to get your mind around and very lonely. I just joined this group and think it may be a place to boost the feeling of connection. You can reach out to me in chat if that helps.
  23. LBrown

    Taboo Grief

    Just wanted to reach out and see how you are doing? Life is still a roller coaster. Take care.
  24. Marie M

    Taboo Grief

    Thank you. I am so sorry about what you're going through. I hope your daughter comes around. I feel like it is helpful to have understanding people to talk to. You can reach out to me as well ♡
  25. LBrown

    Taboo Grief

    Marie, First of all, you have my deepest sympathies on your losses. I’m sorry if people have made you feel like your grief is unacceptable, because each person’s grief is personal. No one should judge you for the feelings that you have in your heart for someone you that you had a relationship with in the past. There may be some reason that you still carry a piece of the in your heart even though they are an ex. Not all relationships are meant to work out and it doesn’t mean that because they end it is a negative thing. You can still be friends or care about your ex. I know it is possible because I have and am currently doing so. The grief I am experiencing currently is unacceptable to my daughter. She did not like the man that I was involved with. And when I tried to tell her what was going on with him as he got sick with Covid, she shut me down and refused to talk to me. And I haven’t spoken to her since. Not even after he passed. She didn’t even message or call to express her sympathy or even check to see how I am doing. She is my only child and you would think she would show some empathy. So I understand where you are coming from, the difficulty of talking about what has happened. But I would be happy to talk with you anytime you need a shoulder to lean on.
  26. The deep pit. It's real. I try to live my life for Jesus every day and, still, sometimes that pit ends up under my feet. I fall. I fall hard. All I can think about is the life I may have had had my mother lived. I look at my life now and think, there's no way I would be here right now if she were still alive. I never would have traveled. I never would have moved 2500 miles away. The awful things that have happened in my life since she's been gone would have never happened. Alcohol would not have become my companion when days are hard. Alcohol is full of lies and I don't know how to stop wanting it. There are days I feel so absolutely alone. I have a friend I can talk to, but not talk to. No one knows the depths. No one knows the deep pit thoughts. I hate feeling so alone. I miss my mother so much and it has been sixteen years...today.

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