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There I was, lying in bed reading a book. I turn to DH to tell him about a passage. Then BAM, I'm just crying my eyes out because he's not there, and never will be again. All I could do was just cry and call out his name. I'm sitting here crying as I write this. There a part of me that goes "suck it up buttercup", but that's not working. Its been over a year now, and there's things I'm getting better at. My garden is doing better. I'm better at cooking for myself and making sure I eat. I've even begun taking care of some things in the house I've been neglecting. So I tell myself I'm doing better. I tell myself I can get thru this. I tell myself I'll be okay, that I am okay.

And then something happens, nothing happens, and it hits me all over how totally alone I am. Yes, I still have my dogs, but they are a poor substitute for my husband.

I tell myself to try dating. I even signed up on a dating website. A few of the people have seemed nice. Some have been really not what I would even want to date. One guy, basically my age, retiring this year, said his big plan for retiring was to go watch a little league baseball game. One game. Not a season of watching baseball. Not his kids games, his kids are grown. I felt sad for him. One guy was looking for a "discreet relationship", he wants an affair. Some seemed to take offense at my questions. I would ask them about something in their profile. I guess they didn't really expect someone to actually read what they said. Some guys put up pictures of young half naked women as their profile pictures - what's with that. And these guys want a date?? Some flat out say they want someone gorgeous - at least they're honest. But these are guys 60-75 years old. They're not exactly good looking, hot sexy hunks anymore. But some have even said let's get together, and I don't even know anything about them. I think they're just looking for a hook up, quick sex, boot call - call it what you want. But it's not happening. 

And so i still find myself alone. Without my husband. With just my dogs for company.

And I want my husband back.


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