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Its sad, maybe even scary. I had some work to do on my laptop, so I turned the TV on. One of my favorite movies came up, Four Weddings and a Funeral. Unfortunately I tuned at at Carrie's wedding, the one where Gareth passes away. So I turned in just in time to watch Gareth die, and watch the funeral. I used to always feel for the poem that is read at the funeral - W.H. Auden, Funeral Blues. If you don't know it, or haven't heard it, find it online and read it.

Now I understand the pain of it, the meaning, how the poem writer feels. I sit here crying, because - well, that's a good question. Is it just the pain of those words? No, its actually a lot more. Its a pain that is hard to explain, its like tearing your own heart out with your own hands. Its knowing that its really true, you love (yes you know they're gone but that part doesn't matter) someone that's not there, and never will be again. As the movie progresses, I listen to the wedding ceremony I realize how much what the minister says is true. How marriage is something that matters. Its not something you go into lightly, its not a lark, you don't marry just because it might be fun. It matters. It really matters. And then when you've lost that other side, that mate you chose, the one you wanted to spend your life with, how are you supposed to deal when they're no longer there, no longer alive.

(The ending of that movie, those songs - I wasn't just crying, I was bawling, moaning, makings sounds we're not supposed to make. Maybe it's the wrong movie to watch.)

Crying is one way to deal with the loss, but its not going to actually do anything constructive. Its doesn't help. It does allow pent up emotions to be released, sort of. Its not really a long term coping solution. But sometimes its the only way to expressing how you feel. Sometimes it seems so inadequate. Expressing the pain you feel, sometimes it doesn't seem like there's a way to adequately describe it, to adequately feel it, to express it.

And yet.... This is the life we have. The life we are left with. And somehow we keep going on.


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