I'm going to post something that could be misconstrued in many different ways. HOWEVER, there's no malice towards anyone at all. I'm posting this for those of us who are grieving, and could use a tall glass of refreshing honesty.
Since April 9, 2019, I have encountered objects (things) that have stopped my heart, and then I've sobbed relentlessly. I get it that this is part of the grieving process, but holy CRAP!! I had no idea that these inanimate objects could bring me to my emotional knees they way they have. I don’t plan on allowing them to beat me. They will not define me. However, the feelings of eternal hurt and sorrow do not feel like they’re ever going away, and it would have been nice if someone could have clarified at least this part, if nothing else.
You see? I miscarried 2 babies; the first at 19, the second at 20. I am also aware of the amount of grieving I did with the loss of my 2nd child in comparison to the 1st. I know that I felt more attached to the first one than I did with the second one because I had more time with the first one. I was 4.5 months along with the first miscarriage. I was 5-6 weeks with the second one. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with my having a different reaction to the news of the second one having passed away in comparison to the first baby because they were babies. They were mine, even if for a short period of time. I could never love the first more than the second, but reality says, "It's okay to feel like that. Moving forward will be easier the second time around, but don't allow yourself to get lost in all of that".
My point to this seemingly endless rambling?
There’s a gigantic one.
I’m working towards it.
This is my point.
This whole time, I have needed someone to be real with me. Someone should have been nice enough to take me off to the side and say, “The reality of grieving is far deeper (emotionally) than anyone will ever just come out and tell you. Unfortunately, no matter how much you don’t like for other people to feel sorry for you, doesn’t matter anymore. It’s just going to happen. Especially with your story being as tragic as it is. It’s never really been a thing you ever wanted for people to feel sorry for you. However, as much as your heart has been burdened with the loss of your husband, it’s alright that they feel sorry for you because that’s natural. Whether you accept them feeling that way or not. There are some things beyond your control. Things that, no matter how hard you try to avoid them, are just going to happen. As with anything in life, you can use it to your advantage, but don't abuse it. The majority of the anguish you feel, will eventually dissipate, but it’s gonna take approximately 3 years".
I swear, if I could have had someone who would have just been that open and honest with me from the beginning, I wouldn’t be struggling so much, emotionally. I feel like I have been shrouded in lies and useless platitudes (like I’ve said from the beginning). I feel like people dismissed me overall. Like they needed me to be quiet for whatever reason, so why not keep me in the dark?
I am the kind of person who honestly would have been able to cope with this emotional pain a lot easier if I just would have had someone be that brutally honest with me, I would have been able to understand this better because I would have had a “guideline” to go by. Not for any other reason than I could have used the "structure" (for lack of a better word).
But, no one, not one single person who says they love me, had the audacity to be that honest with me. Now, I feel like I’m floundering. I feel like a fish out of water. And the ultimately horrible sad fact is, if I don’t figure out how to get back in my bowl, I’m going to die. By the way, I’m using a metaphor here. I’ve done that for 2 years because it was easier for people to understand what I was trying to say about anything and everything because they wanted to get sensitive at all the wrong times for me or when I needed it, they wouldn't return the sensitivity to me as a favor for MY broken heart. I thought this was about me, but I don't believe it ever was.
Therefore, I pass this on:
There are some people who need to cope with their loss in a zipped-up (or callous) manner because it's the only thing that will keep them from going insane later when they try to understand why things happened the way they did in the days, weeks, months and years after their enormous tragedy. Please, if you know someone in your family or close circle of friends, who can handle swallowing this pill, give it to them. In the long run, it will be well worth it for them, and we all know this process is about the well-being of the one who is grieving.