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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Dear Tammiwoolever,

I do so wish the best for you in this very difficult time in

your life. My prayers are with you for a brighter tomarrow.

Peace to you.

Jscmom,

My heart goes out to you in this terribly painful time. My son

died 6/14/03 in a terrible crash. His birthday was 9/26. These

dates are burned into our minds forevermore. Your heart is broken

now, and I am sad for you and for all who come to this site. Peace

be with you.

Davey's mom.

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Hi all,

I haven't been here in a while; it's so strange to me how I can skate along okay sometimes, even days at a time, then not okay at all other times.

I am feeling so, so, very, very sad today. Six months ago today, my son was in the accident that cost him his life. Friday will be six months since I lost him. His 24th birthday approaches on February 13. It will be our first birthday without him.

How is this true? How did this happen? When will I wake from this nightmare?

Then I realize, again, how painfully true it is. I struggle, I fight, to believe, just believe, somehow, someway, that my son is somewhere, that I'll see him again, but all I see right now is the pain that's left behind. I am paralzyed with the grief and the injustice of it all.

My heart has become a scale, alternating between weighing the signs I see that Justin is still here, and the reality that my son, my baby boy is dead.

A hummingbird at my window, the beauty of the clouds on the day he died, the multiple mentions of his name yesterday while listening to the radio. A posting in my online journal from my daughter's friend telling about a beautiful dream she had of an angel and how she believes it was him. All signs that he is out there, somewhere...

Or is he? His ashes sit in a cold brass urn on my mantle. The beautiful bounty of pictures that I have of him, all reminders that he is GONE! The pretty blue eyes I'll never look into again. The big, strong young man he had become, is now ashes?

How do I go on now? How do I do this for the rest of my life? How do I help my daughters when I am struggling myself? I am so afraid for my oldest daughter, at 19 she is in such turmoil and it scares me that she could let this destroy her. I feel so powerless, so helpless, so, so weak and small.

thanks so much for listening...

Beth

Justin's webpage

http://members.cox.net/elizabethg1/newer1.html

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Hi, beth, I am so sorry this has happened to your son, and your family, all I know to say is take the time you need, do what you feel like doing, spend the time with your girls, stay close, and tight with one another, take each hour as it comes, it turns into, days , then weeks, and so on---the loss of a child, takes it's toll on you, --it takes time. bless you and your family.

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Dear Beth,

I am so very sorry for you and your family at this stage of your grief

journey. Your words are so true, and all of us here

knows what your agony is like. Yes, the thought of being

without our children is enormous and frightening. I hope you will keep

posting when you feel up to it, or just reading if you don't

feel like posting. This site has helped me so much. My prayers

are with you at this painful time. Peace be with you.

MomofDavey

(9/26/71----6/14/03)

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kirksdad   

Beth, I like what you have done with Justin's pages. They are really nice. I really like the picture of him when he was young. The saying is priceless.

"I dropped a tear in the ocean; when they find it that's when I'll stop remembering you." It is so very, very true. I know how hard it is. Jim

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neejay   

On May 15, 2002 we lost our 38 year old daugher quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Since then I have een so overwhelmed with dispair -- and tho I try to thiuk mostly about the good times we had when she was with us, my heart aches so. She was such a precious daughter --w ith such a zest for life, and with so many hopes an d plans for the future. Her birthday is coming up next month -- on Feb. 22 she would be 41 years old -- her birthday is one day before mine -- which is Feb. 23. I long so to hear her swee voice, to see here bright and cheerful smile; to hear her say "I love you Mom"; to get one of great big "bear hugs". Kim never met a stranger -- she loved people, and always seemed to see good in everyone she met. She spread sunshine everywhere she went -- and I miss her so terribly. We have three other adult children -- and I tell myself I have to keep going on for their sakes. But at night, wnen I go to bed I find it so difficult to sleep -- I keep thinking of Kim, and how much I miss her, and feel I should have been able to do something to save her. She had been sick with bronchitis, and it is sour belief she had a major adverse reaction to the medication she was prescribed. She stopped breathing suddenly -- and I couldn't find a pulse -- and she did not appear to be breathing. I called the Paramedics --and they were here in minuts -- but were unable to revive her. I live with such awful guilt -- IF I had only known how to do CPR could I have saved her? I don't know how to deal with this feeling that I failed her. Her Doctor said she went into accute circulatory collapse -- she had major kidney disease, and he said her entire system shut down. He tried to reassure me that I could not have saved her -- that even if I had been able to start her breathing, she would have ended up on Life Support -- but I can't stop believing if I had only known what to do, perhaps she would be here today.

How does one live with such feelings of terrible guilt -- and still go on living? I only wish it had been me -- not Kim. She had hr whol life ahead of her -- so many hopes and dreams. I need to find ways to Honor her Memory -- and spread the joy and love she shared with so many, but even now, after two and a half years, it is so difficult to make it through each day.

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Hi all,

Thanks so much for your support. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. It hit me much harder than I expected it to.

Kirksdad (Jim) - thanks for your kind words about Justin's webpages. It helps me a lot to do something creative to keep his memory alive. Some days go by and I don't feel like doing much, but I do work on his website. It makes me feel closer to him somehow.

Davey's mom & Shane's mom- thanks for your kindness and understanding. This is a terrible path to walk, but it helps to know that others are on this path with me.

Somedays I don't know what I would do without you, without this place. Even though I don't post a lot, I am here a lot, reading and crying, and just thankful that others understand my turmoil.

Beth (Justin's mom)

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kirksdad   

Neejay, I am sorry about Kim. I know how hard it is not to feel guilty, but hopefully in time you will come to understand that her death was not anything you should feel guilty about. We all have our bouts with guilt because as a parent we feel we are there to protect our kids, but sometimes that is just not possible. The feelings that we have because of what happens has a tendency to hurt us emotionally and physically. We are tired and feel like we are beaten down, but in time that too has a tendency to become less and less. It doesn't mean we lose our ability to feel the pain, it is just that we know what to do with it. In the long run we will always miss our kids, that is just the way it will be, but we will also, in time, find some healing. Jim

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Beejay   

To Kirksdad and Runningramma: Thank you both for your very kind and caring words. I tell myself that Kim would want me to go on with my life, and try to reach out and help others, as she so often did. But at times this feeling of such terrible guilt seems to overwhelm me -- and I feel I should have been able to save her. It helps to hear from other parents who have lost an Adult Child -- and to know that im time it will become easier to cope with our loss. I know I will always have such an empty space in my life -- Kim brought so much joy and sunshine to our entire family -- she had such a warm and bubbly personality, and my heart aches so without her her.

Runningramma, I would love to have a copy of the booklet you have put together, and if there is a charge, I will be only to only to happy to pay for it. I NEED to find ways to Honor Kim's Memory, and would like to have a Web Page with pictures etc., but don't know how to go about it. I will appreciate a copy of your booklet -- an thanks so much.

By the way, my name is Betty -- tho I go by Beejay -- and when I typed my previous message I guess I hit the wrong key and it came up "neejay".

Thanks to both of you for your kind words of hope and encouragement.

Sincerely, Betty aka beejay

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To JSCMom:

I am Tammee, mother of Brandon Hodges, and I've read your plight, as it is like mine. I have to tell you, I wish I had your inner strength to 'move out and on' shortly after Brandon's death, because I knew eventually my husband would leave, anyway. I, however have to live with my parents (I am 44 years old), because my ex-husband 'barrowed' my credit and ruined it too. I cannot rent or purchase a home for now (and I am a real estate agent).

Please don't let your 'vulenability' dictate your life. I did, but didn't realize it. I now know better. Living by yourself may sound or seem negatively lonely, but you are not! This is a good time for you to relfect on all of the good memories and times with your son! I've been doing that for 3 1/2 years now, and am happy I began practicing this right from the start; it was challenging and felt weird, but, today I am sharing my life with others about 'loss of adult child', and the void that comes along with it.

Now, and after Superior Court enforces my ex-husband to comply, I am looking to purchase a small home here, and I feel my son's acceptance all over me. It belonged to my Uncle who suddenly passed away in September, and my family is doing their best to help me acquire it.

All I am saying here is this 'never does the PAIN of our loss go away, but, with prayer, with inner strength, with future clarity, we begin to feel ourselves feeling powerful'. We think beyond those who have been fortunate to 'not lose a child to death'. We see and feel things they do not. We know better and begin living our lives eventually in peace, as everything else is irrelevant. We learn to make the best of what is around us.

Hugs to All Parents here!

Tammee Weismuller

Mother of Michael Brandon Hodges

Memorial Day 2001

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Hi All,

and hi Tammy, how inspiring that you have reached this new place in your life and that through your ache you have helped others learn to live again with their loss. It is the most difficult thing to do i think. Tonight i was listening to the radio, i listen to alternative rock and rock and there is a band out of Scotland that is called Snowpatrol. They sing a song that makes me cry and cry, it is as though if i could write a song to describe my words to ERica as she left this earth. It says,:light up light up, as if you had a choice, even if you can not hear my voice, i'll be with you my dear."

Amazing, to me amazing to hear the words that really describe the hardest time in a parents life...written by somebody else.

I am thinking of you all and sending my good wishes and prayers as we climb through the ache and manuvre the falling rocks, we do go on. We go on for our kids and we learn to go on for ourselves.

love,

dee

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Tammee, I lost my son on 7/24/03 age 33. I certainly can relate to what you said about how so many things are different now and will always be. There are so many things that are no longer important to me. and nothing really upsets me because nothing will ever be as painful as losing my son. Still feel so empty inside and missing him so. Never goes away does it? Take care and keep those memories close to your heart as I know you do. missingjohn

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Hi,

I changed my user name, I have internet stalkers, those people who hated my son... I don't want them to find my posts here!

I feel like such a failure as a mother...I know it's not rational, but I keep thinking if I wasn't a failure as a mother, then my son wouldn't have died. The fact that he died at only 23 means that I failed.

Does anyone else feel that way? Has anyone else felt that way? How do you deal with that? I keep trying to tell myself that it isn't true, that I didn't cause his death, but it's not working.

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Artina   

Justin4ever,

You are not at fault for your child's death. I think we all go through a phase that we feel guilty about something. Heck, I have even felt bad that I didn't make my son's favorite meal more often. That's silly. If Chris were still alive, I wouldn't question myself one bit. I know that I did the best I could... the best I was capable of doing at any given time. Don't beat yourself up... your grief is enough to deal with right now. Guilt is very distructive and it doesn't help our situation at all. I work very hard at keeping my mind focused on the things that I did right, the good times, and the fact that my son knew that I loved him more than life. I find those steps important for creating a healthy mental environment.

Peace to you, Tina

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forance2   

Hello everyone, I havent posted here for awhile, I guess I have been lost in my own little world. I dont have the answer to why our precious children were taken away from us so early. I only know what we did or did not do, didnt cause their deaths. I think that we all did the best we could for our kids. Will the pain ever go away, I dont think so, but I think that as each day passes we learn different ways to cope. Take one day at a time,and try to smile at least once in a day, even though it may be difficult. Sometimes I even smile and cry at the same time. Peace to everyone. Peg, Bobs mum.

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Hi to Everyone

I lost my son Michael on 8-31-03 in a horrible car accident with his girlfirend Gina. I go thru each day and do the best that I can. i will say one thing for myself and how I feel, it does not het any easier for me not to have Mike here. I try to understand why it happened, and there is just no answer for it. people say there is a reason, I answer tell me what it is, or they say he is in a better place, I answer No he is not, he belongs here with his sister and neices and nephew.

Thanks for listening

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Hi again it is me, it was 8-30-02 not 8-30-03. Then again it seems at times it was just yesterday, and then again sometimes it seems not to be real.That Mike will walk in my door or call me. But I know that is not possible

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Justin4ever, Artina, and Missyou20,

Thanks for your posts. I also have a lot of guilt about my son's

death. I keep thinking that I should have let him know how much I

loved him---by telling him more. I also sometimes feel guilty when I fix

a good meal because I think about the times that I was not home or

didn't cook, and I wish that I could make Davey just one more meal.

Also, I get things mixed up in my head at times---thinking that it

could not be almost 2 yrs. since my son died (6/14/03). And as you

said, Missyou20, sometimes it seems like yesterday. We are all in

our private hell I guess. Thank goodness we can come here & post

and say how we feel, and know that everyone else knows firsthand

how we feel. We will not have anyone telling us to 'get over it' or

other stupid remarks like that. Peace be with everyone who comes to

this site.

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Artina   

Daveydow,

I'm sure your son knows how much loved him... not by your words...but by your actions. Love is something we feel, not say. Although saying it helps us express it verbally.

I don't know if this will help you, but my husband's family doesn't say, "I love you", to each other. Even after losing a grandson. My family say's it everytime we leave the house or hang up the phone. It was really strange for me to observe when I first married my husband twenty three years ago. I would ask my husband how he knows his mother and father loves him and he would simply say, "because they show it". Yes, he would like to hear it. Yet, he knows they love him- without a doubt- he knows they love him. Thus, love is expressed through actions more than by words. I hope this makes some kind of since. I understand why you wish you would have said it more. I think we all wish we could of, would of, should of... that's our guilt smoothering us with painful regrets. If your son was alive, and you could ask him if he knows how much you love him, what would his reply be? Yes- I'm sure of it!

Peace to you, Tina

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Davydow1

THANK YOU FOR THE WORDS YOU WRTOE ABOUT YOUR CHILD, I HAVE THOUGHT AND FELT THE SAME THINGS ABOUT MY SON ALOT. i KNOW THAT HE KNOWS THAT i LOVE HIM AND ALWAYS WILL. i ALWAYS TOLD HIM THAT, EVEN IF WE HAD WORDS MIKE ALWAYS KNEW THAT I LOVED HIM, AND I KNEW THAT HE LOVED ME ALSO. THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR WORDS

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brin3d   

I just wanted to say that I too have thought often over the last year and a half about what I did or didn't do during my daughter's short life. I wish I had told her more often that I loved her. At night when she would go to bed she would always stop on the stairs and "Goodnight mom, I love you." If we had been arguing about something which seems stupid now, I would begrudgingly answer her back. I would make her say it more than once before I would answer. Or when I got home from working all day I was too tired to cook and would ask why she couldn't have started something. I realize now how much energy it takes to chase and clean up after a baby all day. Her comment was alwarys, "When I cook, no one eats it so why should I cook." How I would love to hear her say goodnight once again. Each time I make her favorite foods, it saddens the day. So I try to stay away from her favorites unless my son ask specifically for that dish.

We all have our own guilt to carry with us each and every day. We can tell ourselves all we want not to feel guilty but we are still going to feel that way from time to time. Just like we will always fall back to the "would have, should have, could have's" from time to time. It is part of being a parent that has loved and lost their most precious people in their lives.

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Hi all,

Haven't posted in awhile, been here often. Still licking my wounds of Christmastime. How horribly lonely it felt even though my other daughter was with us, she felt it too. She said to me that maybe we should skip the holidays next year, I think she's right.

I totally understand the "I wish I hads...." but they will only drive you crazy. I agree that we all did the best we could do. I have to say that I'm glad that we don't know the day it's going to happen in advance. Can you imagine when you had your baby if they told you that you would only have her/him for 18,23,26yrs? How could you live with that. I would have been paralyzed with fear. We would have spent our lives preparing for that one day and we wouldn't have known our children the way we do. I feel blessed that I had Ashley with me for 18yrs. I would have given anything for longer, but it's not to be.

You're in my prayers, Dottie

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Ashleysmom,

I am so sorry for your loss - the emptiness of the holidays seems to magnify if that is possible the loss of my son Todd. You write,\"can you imagine\" knowing a certain date you will lose your child. I was told when my son was three months that I would lose him before the age to two. He had a congenital heart defect. I never accepted that I would lose him. I am wondering how other parents who have children born with medical conditions that are serious and have been told the same as I - how they cope - because I am not. Our priorities were always to consider Todd\'s limitations - deal with them, stress what he could do well without causing exertion and pray for a transplant. He was number one on the list at St. Paul\'s. The answer to my prayers. But he had a \"partner\" - she was a trained neo-natal nurse. In the beginning we were so happy he had found someone to love and be loved by. But then she got depressed -Todd\'s father, the person he loved the most, was murdered heinously. She became helpless - demanding to be supported by Todd - demanding he wait on her - she never cleaned nor cooked. She knew his medical condition and yet she never let up. We almost lost Todd Christmas 2003 - I got to be there to take care of him when he got out of the hospital. That is when I noticed she was alcoholic - I pleaded with her to take some care with him, I pleaded with Todd to let me help finanically - so he could rest til he got the transplant. I have such ugly feelings toward his partner - I feel so guilty that I did not just call spades spades but tried to keep things peaceful for Todd\'s sake. What in hell was I thinking - I am so stupid - she was so bizaare when he died - that is the only word that fits her actions. I was Todd\'s mother and I should have protected him. I am now profoundly deaf - there is no one to talk to - I do not sign. Todd was a loving giving person. A bright white light in a dark world. He never complained. I keep thinking if he had only slowed down he would still be here. I keep thinking what a blessing he was and had so much to offer the world and I wonder if there is a God. It\'s been three months since he left I don\'t remember writing before because of how I feel - it\'s not getting any better. I don\'t know what to do. There are so many strong loving people here who are doing positive courageous things. I feel I have failed Todd again.

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hello Toddsmom,

i wish to help you if i could to let go of some of your guilt if possible, it is eating you up. Todd loves you, he knows how you feel, that you love him, i am sure he never doubted it. It wasn't your responsiblility to get the partner straight, it wasn't something you could do and not something you should take on as your failing. It is sad that she became so demanding of your son, it is though what happened, and even if you were able to help Todd slow down and rest, it does not mean he would have made it.

As stated, we all feel some guilt, we are the parents afterall, how do we not feel like we failed somehow when our children were supposed to outlive us? I could spend the rest of my life beating myself up over the things i did wrong in ERica's life, including if i just would have kept her on the phone a bit longer perhaps she would have not been hit by the train...but if i spend my life replaying all of the what ifs? Well ERi would be mad that i did not live my best life. I guess that is my main point, it is our job to live our best life now, giving ourselves a break along the way,,,like today. You are only 3 months out on losing your boy and as i have said here before, three and four months were extremely hard for me, all of the loss is hard but those months were incredibly difficult, as though a veil of shock wore away and the hurt was more raw. I am 19 months out tomorrow from the day my daughter was struck by an Amtrak, and on the 14 th of the month, 19 months since she died. Life without Erica is now life for me, for her brother, her dad, all of her friends who are turning 21, she would have this April. Instead, eri is forever 19, and we have had to learn how to start each day taking small steps knowing she is alongside of us. So please, ease up on yourself, i am sure Todd would want you to give yourself care and time to digest this grief and then to go forward as best you can, little by little. Look for miracles along the way.

with love,

dee

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Ajgrisel,

My prayers are with you for the loss of your dear son, Ian.

This stage that you are in is so very difficult and agonizing,

as I don't have to tell you. It has been 20 mo. since my son,

Davey, died. I know that at the stage you are in now, I seemed

to be in a terrible "netherworld" of isolation and pain. Our

daughter's wedding was just 2 mo. after our tragedy, and I honestly

don't know how we all got through it. I remember very little about

it. I think a person in our place must be easy on themselves as

much as possible. I know that is so hard to do when you are so

blown away with grief. Please come back to this site. We all know

you're suffering and we understand. Peace be with you.

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