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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Justin K

Went to Heaven January 9, 2004

I can't believe it's been a year since I've seen Justin other than in photographs. Every single day I long to talk to him, touch him, hug him. I don't know how I have made it through a whole year without him. The pain has sometimes been unbearable. Christmas Eve was terrible when I came home and it was "in my face" he wouldn't be here Christmas morning this year for the first time in 15 years. New Years Eve was terrible when I realized it has been a whole year without him.

Justin,

Most friends and family have stopped mentioning your name. Very few still let me know they love you and miss you. Your Aunt D. gave us a beautiful stone for your grave that says how we feel.

A heart of gold stopped beating

Two shining eyes at rest

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best

You touched our life with your kind heart, humor, and love for 15 years. I will never forget you. I like to think of you in Heaven learning new things, creating a perfect, peaceful beautiful place for us to be together again one day. Until then........I love you always.

Mom of Justin

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Tiffany   

MomofJustin: I wanted to reply to you to let you know that we are thinking of you and keeping you close in our hearts as you go through the 1st year mark of losing Justin. It's heart wrenching to realize that an entire year has somehow gone by without them and that we have survived. It's even harder to handle when our friends and family don't understand how very much we long for them to acknowledge our loss, our hurt, and our grief. I have been through 2 anniversary dates and each time, I hold my breath and wait for someone, anyone, to acknowledge the date somehow. I’m certain I’ll get a card in the mail or at least an email. I never do and it just about kills me. And so, I know how hard this is for you and I pray that you get the support you need. May God bless you and keep you.

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Mom of Justin,

I still have 7 months before our son's Angel date. You're in my Family's thoughts and prayers as your date approaches. I can't imagine getting there myself. I dread it with all my soul. I hope you have at least one friend or family member that takes the time to let you know that they remember. May you get through the day with one special memory that gives you a little bit of happiness and peace.

Chris's Mom

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ellenb   

Here I am at midnight, unable to sleep, finding it impossible to believe that I have lost my second child. My oldest child, Michael, died 15 years ago on Aug. 1st, 1989. He was hit by a car while crossing the road. HE was 13 years old. On Dec. 19th, my youngest child, Mary Ellen, died as a result of a vehicle accident. She would have turned 22 on Jan. 16th. They both died on the same highway. I feel so paralyzed. I feel as though I am just waiting for \"the other shoe to fall.\" I have one son left; he has been in Afghanistan for the past 6 months. The Army is not sending him back.....they will keep him in the States. My daughter has a 4 year old son who knows he will never see his mommy again. His father and my daughter were seperated and he lived with us until Mary Ellen died. Suddenly he is in a new environment and I feel so sad for him and me. Now what????

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Dear EllenB,

As the father of two children who have both died way to soon, I can sympathize with you, Carrie died on 11/3/02, and Matthew on 7/16/03. I also have ason in the Air Force, who was just told to expect to go to Iraq soon.

If you want to talk, my email is swalton@mah.harvard.edu.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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katebe   

DEBMAY11,

My heart aches for the people of Asia too, I really cried for the helpless children who drowned and the parents could not save them. What a painful way to die. I post on 16 year old's but I was touched by your post.

Mpundu's Mom

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Tiffany & Chris's Mom,

Thank you for acknowledging my post. It's nice to know someone out there is listening.

As I reflect on the last year without Justin I can see some really terrible changes that have affected my husband, daughter and myself. We have all three in different ways taken on some really destructive habits. My habit would be using over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I find I can't sleep without them now. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I think I'm going to try and focus on making us a healthier family in 2005. Somehow I will try and muster up some strength and start fixing what has slowly developed over the past year. I think we're at a fork in the road, so to speak. So really.......... what choice do I have?

I love you Justin

Mom

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julsmom   

Mother of Justin - I too feel we have to come to some kind of crossroads. It will be 15 months since Julie died. I'm not much on New Year's resolutions, but have secretly vowed (I guess now publicly) to be more positive in my approach to life and to try to help my husband in that respect. It's just so tiring this grieving process and I pray for strength each day to get through it. Peace to all.

Lynda (mother of Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03) love MOM

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L074003   

It has been 17 months since Matthew died and I too found myself with some destructive habits. I turned to alcohol as a sleep aid. I had prescription sleep aids but I didn’t like the way they made me feel so alcohol was it. My husband began drinking too only he started with crown and 7 as soon as he got home from work. It took our 18 yr daughter, who has been a real handful herself, to wake us up. She sat us down and told us that she had never seen us drink like this and she was worried she also contacted our counselor and told her about our newly acquired habits and how I “wonder aimlessly all night if I don’t have a drink or to before bedtime”. I do sleep better now but I still have nights I wander.

I have gotten involved with Lifeshare, the organ donation agency here and I have begun speaking. This has given me a new purpose and new way of continuing Matthew’s significance in our lives growing.

Matthew's mom Mary

11/3/1979 - 7/13/2003

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Tiffany & Chris's Mom,

Thank you for acknowledging my post. It's nice to know someone out there is listening.

As I reflect on the last year without Justin I can see some really terrible changes that have affected my husband, daughter and myself. We have all three in different ways taken on some really destructive habits. My habit would be using over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I find I can't sleep without them now. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I think I'm going to try and focus on making us a healthier family in 2005. Somehow I will try and muster up some strength and start fixing what has slowly developed over the past year. I think we're at a fork in the road, so to speak. So really.......... what choice do I have?

I love you Justin

Mom

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Hello to everyone.

I have not been posting for awhile. I've just been too sad with the

holidays, as I know all of you are too. As someone said, I'm glad to

have the holidays behinds us for another year. I pray that all of us

can gain some strength this new year, and somehow go on, a day at a

time. Peace be with all of you.

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The new year coming has been extemely difficult. I thought I would be so relieved to see 2004 leave as it was the worst year of my life, losing Ashley. But I realized it would be the last year that I was able to hold and kiss and talk to my baby. This is truly the first year that Ashley will not be with me and it is so hard to face. There will be no memories in 2005 that will involve Ashley. Actually 2004 was one of the best years of my life until July 4th. Ashley was so happy. We all were. Did anyone else feel this way? I do thank God the holidays are over. I also pray for all of us to find some peace, hope and strength in the new year.

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JennsMom   

Justins Mom, I know what you are going through as I am fastly gaining on the first anniversary of my daughter Jenn's Angel date of January 11. Tommorrow is the anniverary of the day she went in for to have her tonsils removed so even that date is hard. I am finding that it is getting harder to sleep over the past week even with the prescription sleeping pills. I am crying more often and it harder to get through each day.

What is keeping me going it knowing that she is looking down at me from heaven and seeing how sad I am. I know it makes her sad and I don't want that for her now that she is in a place where she can truly be happy. Your Justin probably feels the same way. We all need to find the strength somewhere deep inside of us to recover just a little bit of the happiness we had before our children left.

I will be volunteeing my services as a speaker for the Golden State Donor Services in honor of Jenn. I plan on telling her story and how her beautiful blue eyes are still looking out on this world through someone who could not see. By finding something to do to honor her I feel that I can make her happy and possibly find some peace in my life.

Good luck to you and don't give up. Our children still love us and are now with us always in our hearts!

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I lost my 23 year old son on March 5, 2003. I haven't been able to find anyone to talk to regarding this. Thank God I found this site. I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol (by a miracle) but only the good Lord above knows I wanted to and still do. My son accidentally shot himself in the head with his gun (he was drunk and was playing with his gun) when he wrecked and gun went off killing him. At least thats what we think happened. There are many questions that will never be answered regarding this. The inquest is finally going to be on the 27th of this month and I'm really not sure if I can go because not only are they going to be bringing up what happened when he died but also showing pictures. I know for a fact that I can't handle that. Does this make me a BAD MOM by not going? Someone please tell me

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To Nefertiti,

I hope you continue to come to this site & post. All of us here

know the pain of losing a beloved child, and understand your pain

and suffering. My son, Davey, (age 31--single) died just about 3

mo. after your son. His angel date is 06/14/03. He was killed by

a runaway semi truck where the driver fell asleep and crashed into

stopped traffic at 60 mph. As you know, it doesn't get much easier

as time goes by. I believe it would be entirely understandable if

you decided not to attend the inquest of you son's death. I am so

sorry for your loss. Peace be with you.

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Artina   

To All-

It has been a while since I posted... and I am so sad to see all the new members. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that Beyond Indigo is a blessing. I lost my son three years ago (January 4, 2002) and I have been posting on Beyond Indigo for over two years. I believe it has been the tool that I reach for the most. We don't always post, but most of us read every day. Please know that we encourage you to share your thoughts, or just read, whenever you need to.

Peace to all, Tina

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kirksdad   

Nerfetiti, it doen't make you a bad mom, as parents we are only very sad, full and pain, and completely confused during this time. The feelings of helplessness we all feel are at their highest when facing a moment such as an inquest. If you don't feel strong enough to attend then you need to do what you feel. I could never bring myself to go and get the police report after our son's death. There were a lot of rumors floating around, but we listened to the scanner that night and heard it all. We didn't know it was Kirk, but had a terrible feeling. I feel I know all that I could know about the accident and reading that report isn't going to change anything. There are parents that find out all they can, but there are those that don't. Either way is ok. Jim

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jscmom   

To All,

I am so glad the "Holidys" are over. The masks can come off. My first of many firsts I dreaded all of them and they are not over Johnny dates began 9/26 10/10 and finally 10/21 of this year. I have received so many calls from bill collectors asking for John.... faxing his death cert to all and repeating to the same callers. They have no mercy.

I have so many unanswerd questions so I have begun to search his medical records or at least part of them arrived which has now given me more questions. Guess not having them answered doesn't matter anymore John is gone to a better place and I am (we) are here left to feel all these feelings we never knew we had.

I have decided that I can not do and feel what everyone says I should do. I try to honor John's life a little everyday and posting on here is one of them.

It seems to have gotten harder to deal with. Does anyone get nighmares sine your loss. Peace is not found.

Nerfetiti: Do wnat you feel you need to. If you choose not to go it does not make you a bad mom...just a hurting mom.

In my case my son was in another state when the accident happend. We spent 14 days there before letting having to let him go.

Once i came home and all the arrangements were done, I began my search for answers. I will be in court for the trial of John's girlfriend, so i needed to know the whole story before writing the letter to the judge and standing by her at trial. Our lives has forever changed. Our love will never stop and I am so new into this I don't beleive the pain will ever go away. I feel as if is a cancer killing me everyday until I do die. It my be a short cancer or a long one only God knows.

Runningramma: Yes we have to live for our other children and slowly I am trying to do just that. I have 1 daughter left or family is not complete without John. We did the Christmas pictures by the tree and as i look at them some one is missing...... my John. I am sooooo glad the holidays are over.

TO All AGAIN

Peace and prayers to all.

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julsmom   

to all - I hope that this New Year's is bringing peace to all of you. To Nerfiti - you are not a BAD MOM. I did not look at either the complete police report or the bills from the hospital detailing procedures. It was just too painful and quite frankly, in my mind, did not change a thing. Our beautiful daughter was gone - to be 27 forever.

We finally gave away all of her clothes, except those I wanted, to a thrift shop several miles for here. That way her clothes will help the thrift shop's organization and those who shop there. There probably is little chance that I might "accidently" see someone in one of her outfits which was my fear if I donated her clothes locally. We still have all her books, music and personal mementos to go through. I really did expect to be further along in that process then we are.

Peace, Lynda (for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03) love MOM

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SOCIALD   

HI EVERYONE, ITS BEEN MONTHS SINCE I LAST POSTED. YESTERDAY, JAN. 6, 2005 WAS THE VERDICT DAY FOR THE ACCUSED, CAUSING THE DEATH OF OUR ONLY CHILD, ROBERT HYLAND JR. ITS BEEN OVER 21 MONTHS,AND WE FINALLY HAVE THIS MAN IN JAIL WHERE HE BELONGS. HE WAS FOUND GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES,AND THE JUDGE REVOKED HIS BOND AND HAD HIM TAKEN AWAY IN HANDCUFFS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. WE GO BACK FOR SENTENCING ON JAN. 13TH. I AM PRAYING THE JUDGE WILL GIVE HIM THE MAXIMUM FOR ALL 4 CHARGES. THE VERDICT WAS QUICK, APROX 1 HR. ITS A HOLLOW VICTORY THOU, SINCE ROBERT WILL NEVER BE WITH US AGAIN. I HAVE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET THRU THIS 4 DAY TRIAL, RELIVING THE DAY HE WAS KILLED SO HORRIBLY, AND LISTENING TO THE AUTOPSY REPORT. COMMENTS FROM THE WITNESS'S WHO TRIED TO HELP FREE HIM FROM THE VEHICLE ONLY HELPED ME TO KNOW HE WAS PROBABLY KILLED ON IMPACT. THIS MAN TRIED EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET AWAY WITH HIS DEED, LAST SEPT HE REQUESTED A HEARING TO HAVE ALL THE CHARGES DROPPED, CLAIMING HE WASN'T PROSECUTED IN A SPEEDY AMT OF TIME AND THAT HIS RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED. DURING THE TRIAL HIS ATTORNEY TRIED TO CONVINCE THE JURY THAT THE BLOOD TAKEN AT THE HOSPITAL WAS CONTAMINATED AND THEN THAT A BLOW OUT ON HIS VAN CAUSED THE ACCIDENT, AND THAT HIS CLIENT SHOULD NOT BE FOUND CULPABLE FOR THE DEATH OF OUR SON. I AM SO THANKFUL THE JURY UNAMOUSLY CONVICTED HIM ON ALL THE CHARGES. I HAVE FOCUSED FOR THE PAST 21 MONTHS ON GETTING THIS MAN BEHIND BARS, HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAKEN TO JAIL FOR NOT EVEN 1 HOUR. THE ACCUSED HAS ALL THE RIGHTS. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM. 21 MONTHS IS A LONG TIME TO GET ANY JUSTICE WHEN EVERYONE WAS AWARE OF THE FACTS AND THIS MAN WAS PERMITTED TO WALK AROUND FREE. OF COURSE THE ACCUSED COULD NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT THE ACCIDENT, SO THE DA COULD NOT EVEN CROSS EXAMINE HIM AT ANY LENGTH. HIS SELECTIVE MEMORY LOSS HOWEVER DID NOT CONVINCE ME OR THE JURY. I AM NOW AT A LOSS, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO FOCUS MY FRUSTRATION AND ANGER AT NOW. WITH THE TRIAL OVER AND THE MAN IN JAIL, & FRANKLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL BE DOING WITH MY TIME OR EMOTIONS. MAYBE EVENTUALLY I WILL FIND SOME SORT OF PEACE FROM THIS HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE. I STILL CRY EVERY DAY FOR THE LOSS OF MY CHILD, & I PROBABLY WILL CONTINUE TO CRY UNTIL THE DAY I AM NO LONGER ON THIS EARTH. PEOPLE TELL YOU IT WILL GET BETTER WITH TIME, WELL MAYBE FOR SOME IT MIGHT, BUT EVERYDAY FOR ME IS LIKE THE 1ST. I HAVE MANAGED TO WORK EVERYDAY THRU OUT THIS ORDEAL, & I VERY THANKFUL THAT I HAVE A UNDERSTANDING EMPLOYER WHO HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE THE TIME I NEEDED TO GET THRU ALL THIS. I AM PRAYING THAT GOD WILL GIVE ME SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON TO GET THRU THE REST OF MY LIFE. I NOTICED SOME OF YOU STILL POST AND READING YOUR COMMENTS FIND THAT WHEN WE LOOSE SOMEONE SO CLOSE TO US, TIME DOES NOT HEAL US THE WAY WE WOULD WANT, YES WE MANAGE TO GET THRU, BUT WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON WE WERE BEFORE OUR TRAGEDY. THOSE DAYS ARE LONG GONE. I WILL POST FROM TIME TO TIME JUST TO STAY IN TOUCH, AND APPRECIATE ALL THE REPLYS FROM CARING FRIENDS. ROBERT'S MOM, KAREN

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donosmom   

Since the holidays I have been having such a difficult time again. I look at Matt’s pictures and I cannot even phantom not ever seeing him again, not talking to him or hearing his laughter. It is making me crazy and it hurts so bad. Will it every get better? Will I ever be able to walk down the isle at the grocery store without a memory overload. Will we ever be happy again?

I’m beginning to understand that there isn’t some magical calendar with the answers. I use to wonder if I worked hard enough, read enough books or heard the right words the pain would get better. But that pain is always there.

It has been 17 long months I manage to work and function sort of, but my heart is in nothing. I feel like such a crappy mother to my other 3 children, they deserve so much more from me. I love them every bit as much as Matthew but the pain of the loss is so much greater than any joy the others bring right now. Will this ever change. God I pray it will.

Matthew’s mom Mary

11/3/1979-7/13/2003

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Donosmom,

We are at about the same stage of grief, and I feel the same as you

do. My son, David, died June 14, 2003, only a mo. before you dear

son. I find I get so weary of putting on the act that I am "o.k."

when people ask, although by this time no one asks much anymore.

As you say, the pain goes on, and reading etc. just delays the

feelings for a little while. I feel closer to all the parents who

post on this site than I do most of my family. Family seems to have

moved on & forgotten about David's death. I hope that you continue

to come to this site & read and post when you feel you want to.

Peace be with you.

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kirksdad   

Donosmom, I know the feelings of inadaquecy when it comes to the other children, or child in our world. I had such a hard time dealing with her grief because my own seemed so unbearable for at least 3 years after Kirk's death. During this time she was beginning high school and having to deal with a bunch of total morons (teachers, counselor, and administrators) and kids that didn't want to acknowledge her pain. We were so angry at everything that I didn't feel we did her any good in the way we approached anything. We still feel that way at times almost 5 years later, but things are getting better and we are still very supportive of one another. At least we try. In the beginning it is such a game of unknown portions, no one has the answers, no one can make things better. In a lose such as we have experienced it is hard to be strong and try and make it better for everyone else. We just do our best and hope that eventually things will be better, and we try harder as time goes along and work at making each moment just a little less difficult for us and those around us. Jim

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brin3d   

To Donosmom

Your child and mine were almost the same age...Darcia was born 4-22-80 and died 5 days before Matt on 7-8-03. I am not sure when the pain eases or if it ever will but I know that I must go forward in order to live. I also have other children, 2 sons that need me to be the foundation of their lives as I have always been. I am raising Darcia's daughter and she looks just like her mother and her actions, smiles and temperment are so much like her as well. It is a bittersweet thing. I love her so much but sometimes the memories haunt me when I catch one of the little smiles so much like mom's. It is also hard sometimes when she calls me mom instead of nanny because she is still too young to understand the difference.

I am sorry that you have this terrible pain...this emptiness within your heart that can never be filled, I too feel incomplete and will never feel whole again until the day that I see her again.

My daughter would be so sad to see me this way and I know this in my heart and for that I truly try to be positive. It is very hard some days when you hear their favorite song and envision them dancing around the room to the beat or the other kids want you to cook what was their favorite food, or you try to go through family photos without shedding tears and having memories flooding your mind with the last time you went to the ocean together or received a card just because.

For you and the rest of us, I hope and pray that we can find some peace within ourselves and live life for our children.

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