When the support has faded and disappeared.

[floyd11554]

So it is coming on two months since I lost my girlfriend, my best friend, and my soul mate.  While I knew that the support system from people would  lessen over time I am surprised at how already most people have just up and vanished.  I knew that was inevitable and that people would have to get back to their lives and families but it is just sinking in that reality even more that I am utterly alone in this world with the exception of my work family.  All these different people who had said whatever you need or we will go out here to help take your mind off of things have all but disappeared. Some people that I considered close haven't even reached out at all since the week after she passed.  I am not asking for people to make my grief their priority or anything like that but I find it cold to say you are going to do things and then never reach out.  

For those on here who I have already spoken to or those I have not, how did you also deal with the immense grief you were already feeling coupled with the added pain of any support system drying up and the realization that it is now just you and you alone?

[LoveGoli]

1 hour ago, floyd11554 said:

So it is coming on two months since I lost my girlfriend, my best friend, and my soul mate.  While I knew that the support system from people would  lessen over time I am surprised at how already most people have just up and vanished.  I knew that was inevitable and that people would have to get back to their lives and families but it is just sinking in that reality even more that I am utterly alone in this world with the exception of my work family.  All these different people who had said whatever you need or we will go out here to help take your mind off of things have all but disappeared. Some people that I considered close haven't even reached out at all since the week after she passed.  I am not asking for people to make my grief their priority or anything like that but I find it cold to say you are going to do things and then never reach out.  

For those on here who I have already spoken to or those I have not, how did you also deal with the immense grief you were already feeling coupled with the added pain of any support system drying up and the realization that it is now just you and you alone?

It happens to all of us. My friends , our common friends all disappear, no body call or message me , who were saying earlier that you are not alone, we are here with you always.

Gladly i have my sister with me also my brother who make sure to call me very frequently.

I made few friends in this forum with whom i can share anything and they are now very close to me.

I guess hard time shows you reality that who actually cares for you and who are your actual friends, sadly i realized no one my actual friend and everyone busy with their happy life. They are not exist for me now and i am never gonna contact them or will talk to them ever.

[floyd11554]

2 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

It happens to all of us. My friends , our common friends all disappear, no body call or message me , who were saying earlier that you are not alone, we are here with you always.

Gladly i have my sister with me also my brother who make sure to call me very frequently.

I made few friends in this forum with whom i can share anything and they are now very close to me.

I guess hard time shows you reality that who actually cares for you and who are your actual friends, sadly i realized no one my actual friend and everyone busy with their happy life. They are not exist for me now and i am never gonna contact them or will talk to them ever.

Sure seems that way as far as the hard times showing you who really cares.  I do get the token message or text here and there asking how I am doing but once I answer that then no conversation follows or no reply to my response.  No dialogue to discuss my answer or anything.  It just feels so phony, like a I feel obligated to see how you are doing but then not actually do anything about it or anything beyond just an initial contact.  This doesn't apply to everyone and I should stress that, I do have a few people in my life that have been instrumental in getting through these last seven weeks but so much just feels so hollow lately and so few and far between.  

[LoveD]

I know it hurts.  In two months you still want to talk about your loved one.  I called my sister and bombarded her with a lot of expression.   I called one close friend twice and there was one friend checked me out from times to times (Right now she stopped).  When time went to around four to five months, people assumed I should get over it and I didn't want to talk about it either because I realized nobody wanted to hear my sad story.  This is my tragedy but other people’s story which they only want to hear once.  They haven’t experienced it and don’t understand it.  People don’t understand the profound impact of death on partners.  I surrender to the reality. I sincerely thank people for taking the time to comfort me at the beginning.  I cherish my husband in my heart and work on my plan.  I try to make myself busy and I am indeed very busy.

[KayC]

Oh Floyd,  my heart breaks for you as you feel betrayed/abandoned by those who you feel should be there but aren't.  Those in my life didn't make it two weeks.  The first time I tried calling them, they were dismissive and disappeared on me.  These were our FRIENDS!  George would have been very disappointed in them.  And his family...not to be heard from again.  I was his "Little One", the most cherished one in his world, yet they dropped me like a hot potato.  There is no understanding it.  There is no excuse.  My best friend from work didn't even come to his funeral, none of my "best friends" did!  I made a new best friend and she was in my life nearly ten years but she moved back to TX and now I find myself starting over trying to make friends but it feels like I'm on a treadmill getting nowhere sometimes.

I've learned from this.  I have learned to be there for people when they're going through something.  When someone I know becomes widowed, they can call me any time, day or night in their grief, sometimes they just need someone to just listen and care.

[Sunflower2]

16 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

For those on here who I have already spoken to or those I have not, how did you also deal with the immense grief you were already feeling coupled with the added pain of any support system drying up and the realization that it is now just you and you alone?

@floyd11554  This is still a very raw time for you.  Its all about the most tiniest baby steps forward and maybe 10 steps back.  You inch forward.  One moment you will feel you inched forward by a mile.  That will come.  You may find you have a calm for a moment.  Cherish that calm but understand storms usually follow.  That is not being negative.  It is grief!  It is all part of this journey none of us ever wanted to be in but we are in it.  I'm 5 months into this.  The process is slow.  Understand that.  It is So so slow but you will pass through the storms.  Listen to your body.  It will tell you want you need.  Always attempt to reach out.  If you are hit with disappointment remember life carries disappointments yet now we are so much more vulnerable.  Rubbing salt on an open womb.  It hurts deeply.  Reach out again.  Try movement....move.  Just getting out of bed is good movement and self care.  Have a focus when you get out of bed.  It can be a ritual...get the coffee going, light a candle, go up and down a set of stairs, jump in the shower, take a bubble bath....yes men can and do do this! Have a special morning treat that you set aside the night before.  It can be a breakfast sandwich or a brownie you bought the day before with this intent.  Discover what uniquely works for you. Try a support group.  My first attempt wasn't the right fit.  The 2nd attempt is working.  Remember too You do not have to talk....you can pass.  Feel it out. 

"Friends"  come in all shapes and forms and energy.  different levels of friends and acquaintances.  Some may not be able to understand your grief but may have a strength that can help you take an inch forward.  Be gracious and accept that.  If it is productive in inching forward accept that is all they can give.  Those that understand will be our greatest companions.  That was difficult to process because I wanted them to be Wayne.  I was searching for Wayne in them. The moment I accepted they will be the support to OCASSIONALLY be there was a gift.  The pain in accepting that Wayne my best support was gone!  That beginning of acceptance  was deep and excruciating but I had to take that on.  I could search and search but in reality I was searching for Wayne or a replacement.  There are no replacements.  That's hard reality. There is beauty that does fill those spaces in different ways and maybe just for a moment in these early stages.  That doesn't happen quickly.  Perhaps with some.  I don't know.  I know with me I'm bringing the best love and joy energy into these  open spaces.  That is bringing Wayne back but in a different way.  His love and joy is in those moments.  I have found that when I begin to remove a tiny layer I need to settle in and create safe spaces around me. I feel raw at different levels of acceptance which sometimes brings me back to the moment of the initial rawness and shock.  It is not as raw but it is still raw.  A healing wound where maybe the scab fell off. Visualize that.  If it works for you use it.,  Even if it works for you just one time.  What works once or twice may not work the 3rd time around.  Remember you are healing.....it takes time.

finally we have the friends we thought were friends that simply need to be kicked to the curb.... or tossed overboard....or removed from our energy space...All the same its just what sounds comfortable to you.  For me I try not to burn a bridge.  I just create what I need to create which is basically distance and not always with peaceful thoughts.  

Try this out for a fit.  (It's OK That You're Not OK   Megan Devine is the author)  Simply a suggestion!  It helped me understand with simplicity that this journey is unique. This journey is raw.  This journey is intense and powerful and overwhelming,

I needed to hear reality. This author presents reality. This forum presents reality,

The reality is that there are people who just don't get it.  We find our way.  We need support in this grief.  Yet in the end our inner voice will let us know what works and what simply has to be tossed overboard.  Listen to it and reach out,  Smiling at a stranger is a form of reaching out especially when they return that smile.  Some won't but when they do you can accept that as a tiny movement of a connection. 

My healing thoughts are with everyone.  Today is a calm neutral day because yesterday I was whacked with intense overwhelming feelings.  All the feelings.  My gift to myself today is not to run but to find calm and peace in my space where I'm at at this moment.

 

[floyd11554]

LoveD -  I agree, keeping busy has been my go to as well.  Luckily work is always so hectic that each day I know i will have those 9 hours to completely occupy my mind. Plus, I adore my staff so much that I can feel glimmers of happiness when I am around them and they can make me smile and laugh.  It has been my best support group without being an actual support group.

KayC-  That is so awful to hear.  How do these supposed 'best friends' live with themselves after that.  How do they not attend even just out of common decency and respect.  You certainly learned how true as friends they were with those actions.  The only saving grace was that you learned they didn't deserve to have you in their lives to begin with.  It always strikes me how cold and dismissive people can be sometimes and those are the types of people I have no time for anymore.  I need to surround myself with the ones that want to share this journey called life for all its warts and potential future joys.  

Sunflower2 -  Thank you for your beautiful words.  You strike a lot of common themes I am feeling especially the need not to burn a bridge.  I won't lash out or be disrespectful to anyone.  I am better than that and I demand more of myself. I will also be there if something happened and they needed me cause that is how my mother raised me and I will always carry that with me.   I looked up your book recommendation on amazon and it looks like something that I really should read right now.  Once payday hits this week I am going to buy it.  Thank you and I appreciate very much.

[KayC]

What kills me is seeing how young so many of you are.  So damned unfair.

[Sunflower2]

14 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

LoveD -  I agree, keeping busy has been my go to as well.  Luckily work is always so hectic that each day I know i will have those 9 hours to completely occupy my mind. Plus, I adore my staff so much that I can feel glimmers of happiness when I am around them and they can make me smile and laugh.  It has been my best support group without being an actual support group.

KayC-  That is so awful to hear.  How do these supposed 'best friends' live with themselves after that.  How do they not attend even just out of common decency and respect.  You certainly learned how true as friends they were with those actions.  The only saving grace was that  learned they didn't deserve to have you in their lives to begin with.  It always strikes me how cold and dismissive people can be sometimes and those are the types of people I have no time for anymore.  I need to surround myself with the ones that want to share this journey called life for all its warts and potential future joys.  

Sunflower2 -  Thank you for your beautiful words.  You strike a lot of common themes I am feeling especially the need not to burn a bridge.  I won't lash out or be disrespectful to anyone.  I am better than that and I demand more of myself. I will also be there if something happened and they needed me cause that is how my mother raised me and I will always carry that with me.   I looked up your book recommendation on amazon and it looks like something that I really should read right now.  Once payday hits this week I am going to buy it.  Thank you and I appreciate very much.

@Floyd11554  HUGS!!!!!  

another suggestion you may want to explore.  These suggestions may work may not.....they have helped me in this process.  The words give me a moment of understanding.....we still will have to walk through the storms and the pain.  this was a gift from a friend.  

HEALING AFTER LOSS   Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief   Martha Whitmore Hickman.

daily short thoughts of what we are feeling.  I'm not sure I'd consider it "meditations."  I'm finding the words resonating with my journey,   again this is simply food for thought.  

[Azipod]

Floyd11554:

Having to go through grief is like a light bulb going on.  There will be so  many challenges that we have to deal with both in the physical and emotional level.   When we lose someone the light bulb goes on, and then there will be a world of change ahead of us.   Yes, on the emotional level we are dealing with the pain of grief.   However, on one of many parts of the physical level, there will be a movement.  A little "evolvement" of people that begins to shift around us.   Easily said, some people that you know that you never think of, will slowly come around to the forefront and offer some support.... and then, there are the other people who you think were truly important in your life.... somehow shift away and disappear!      I personally have 3 guy friends who I thought was very close to me.  I invited all 3 to the funeral but only 2 could attend -- not a problem.   But after the funeral, I never ever heard from them again!  I even wrote them an email after the funeral to thank them.  Not even a single response..... not even from the email.  It's not almost 8 months.  Go figure!!!     At some times in the past,  I was angry at this.  Not only at them, but in the whole world.   About how people don't acknowlgement my grief... about the neighbors who mean well, but don't know what to say so they turn away as soon as they see me coming out of the house.    But then I did realize... that it's a problem with our society.   It's a problem because our society doesn't know how to deal with grief.   Yes, we are all taught to be compassionate and loving.... but DEATH trumps all!    People don't know how to deal with it.  They are afraid of what to say, saying the wrong things, or afraid that they might bring up memories (who are you kidding?  we never forget the loss of our partner!).     Anyhow... I'm not angry because of this anymore.   I've acknowledged that it's a probelm with society.  And even if I were to put myself in the shoes of others .... I didn't even know how to deal with someone going through grief... so how can I blame them?

Sorry for the rambling.   It sucks big time.  I know how you feel.   Yeah, it a bit sour to know that no one comes checking up on me.  But honestly, I don't really give a damn anymore. The only person I want is my wife.  She's not here..... so no one else matters.   Everything stinks.   Each night before bed, I just tell myself I've made it through another day --- and I'm one day closer to being with her again.   It's the best part of my day.

[floyd11554]

Azipod, no need to ever apologize for the ramblilng.  That is why we are all here.  To voice ourselves to the ones that actually listen instead of those that  just brush us off.  You are absolutely right that our society does not know how to handle grief.  That is awful to hear about what you perceived as three close friends who basically abandoned you in your time of need.  I just don't get things like that.  I am so sorry that you have to deal with that on top of what you already have to face.  I think that is why we all gravitate towards here.  Its the only outlet I have right now with the exception of one close friend that I can express any thought and know that the people listening understand.

Today, and this may sound trivial to some should have been a joyous day for me and her.  Our favorite band announced a three day music festival in August that we knew was going to happen but couldn't wait to be announced.  Today it was and I just feel empty knowing that I couldn't text her and knowing that we can't start making camping plans and buying supplies and just mapping out our summer around it.  It was something we were looking so forward to that we basically were going to put off moving off long island until after August just so we could go.   Now I have no intentions of going alone cause it would just feel so wrong without her and i don't think me sobbing surrounded by 40,000 people would be in my best interests.  It is just another thing and reminder of the daily challenges we all face when things come up that were meant for the two of you and that are now gone.  

[floyd11554]

16 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

@Floyd11554  HUGS!!!!!  

another suggestion you may want to explore.  These suggestions may work may not.....they have helped me in this process.  The words give me a moment of understanding.....we still will have to walk through the storms and the pain.  this was a gift from a friend.  

HEALING AFTER LOSS   Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief   Martha Whitmore Hickman.

daily short thoughts of what we are feeling.  I'm not sure I'd consider it "meditations."  I'm finding the words resonating with my journey,   again this is simply food for thought.  

Thank you for another suggestion.  I just bought It's Ok That You're Not Ok.  After i read that i will order Healing After Loss.

[Ice Fire]

Though I intended to create an account anyway, this thread inspired me to sooner.

I'm naturally more of a loner than most, and I honestly thought I was one of few at best who went through this sensation of support disappearing after a few obligatory "how are you" pokes.  Ones that go unanswered when I respond back. 

It kind of hurts that this is do much more common than I thought.  I too want to nothing but talk about what happened, but now I do much less.  I just don't want to when I don't feel it's falling on genuine ears.

So I get it, and why you wanted to get this out. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Azipod said:

Floyd11554:

Having to go through grief is like a light bulb going on.  There will be so  many challenges that we have to deal with both in the physical and emotional level.   When we lose someone the light bulb goes on, and then there will be a world of change ahead of us.   Yes, on the emotional level we are dealing with the pain of grief.   However, on one of many parts of the physical level, there will be a movement.  A little "evolvement" of people that begins to shift around us.   Easily said, some people that you know that you never think of, will slowly come around to the forefront and offer some support.... and then, there are the other people who you think were truly important in your life.... somehow shift away and disappear!      I personally have 3 guy friends who I thought was very close to me.  I invited all 3 to the funeral but only 2 could attend -- not a problem.   But after the funeral, I never ever heard from them again!  I even wrote them an email after the funeral to thank them.  Not even a single response..... not even from the email.  It's not almost 8 months.  Go figure!!!     At some times in the past,  I was angry at this.  Not only at them, but in the whole world.   About how people don't acknowlgement my grief... about the neighbors who mean well, but don't know what to say so they turn away as soon as they see me coming out of the house.    But then I did realize... that it's a problem with our society.   It's a problem because our society doesn't know how to deal with grief.   Yes, we are all taught to be compassionate and loving.... but DEATH trumps all!    People don't know how to deal with it.  They are afraid of what to say, saying the wrong things, or afraid that they might bring up memories (who are you kidding?  we never forget the loss of our partner!).     Anyhow... I'm not angry because of this anymore.   I've acknowledged that it's a probelm with society.  And even if I were to put myself in the shoes of others .... I didn't even know how to deal with someone going through grief... so how can I blame them?

Sorry for the rambling.   It sucks big time.  I know how you feel.   Yeah, it a bit sour to know that no one comes checking up on me.  But honestly, I don't really give a damn anymore. The only person I want is my wife.  She's not here..... so no one else matters.   Everything stinks.   Each night before bed, I just tell myself I've made it through another day --- and I'm one day closer to being with her again.   It's the best part of my day.

I may not have known then what I know now but I know myself well enough I would not have turned away from a grieving friend.  My mom was widowed for 32 years, I was there for her, I talked to her about my dad, I listened to her, I remembered her special days, she knew she could count on me to be there for her.  But I would have been the same for a friend, it's just my friends were young and hadn't lost someone yet.  I can't excuse my so called friends for not attending his funeral with no good reason, and for not being there for me at all in the months ahead.  That's not the kind of friends I want in my life, or need, I would have been there for them, even if I hadn't know what to say.  One can always listen.  One can always care.

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

Today it was and I just feel empty knowing that I couldn't text her and knowing that we can't start making camping plans and buying supplies and just mapping out our summer around it.  It was something we were looking so forward to that we basically were going to put off moving off long island until after August just so we could go.   Now I have no intentions of going alone cause it would just feel so wrong without her and i don't think me sobbing surrounded by 40,000 people would be in my best interests.  It is just another thing and reminder of the daily challenges we all face when things come up that were meant for the two of you and that are now gone.  

I get it.  George and I used to love to go camping.  I haven't camped since.  I finally gave away our camping trailer to my son and his wife, I couldn't bear to go into it.  It still had his clothes in it, our handmade cribbage board that we bought on one of our excursions.  I couldn't bear to clean it out.  It was too "us", the custom bed we upholstered, the curtains I made for it, all of the food still in it...

 

[KayC]

@Ice Fire  Welcome to our site and discussion.  I'm sorry you too find yourself going through this.  It's a journey without end, we're all just muddling our way through it together.  I hope you'll feel free to interject any time...

[floyd11554]

18 hours ago, Ice Fire said:

Though I intended to create an account anyway, this thread inspired me to sooner.

I'm naturally more of a loner than most, and I honestly thought I was one of few at best who went through this sensation of support disappearing after a few obligatory "how are you" pokes.  Ones that go unanswered when I respond back. 

It kind of hurts that this is do much more common than I thought.  I too want to nothing but talk about what happened, but now I do much less.  I just don't want to when I don't feel it's falling on genuine ears.

So I get it, and why you wanted to get this out. 

I'm very sorry for your loss and I completely relate to the aspect of being a loner.  It is not like I need people to check up on me or even be around very often.  It is just he idea that someone is being genuine and cares.  Someone that can take me out and get my mind off of things if even just for a few short hours.  Now it is like okay we did our part and now you are on your own.  I guess it will come around when I flee this coast next year and not really care about leaving any of them behind. 

[Ice Fire]

2 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I'm very sorry for your loss and I completely relate to the aspect of being a loner.  It is not like I need people to check up on me or even be around very often.  It is just he idea that someone is being genuine and cares.  Someone that can take me out and get my mind off of things if even just for a few short hours.  Now it is like okay we did our part and now you are on your own.  I guess it will come around when I flee this coast next year and not really care about leaving any of them behind. 

Ive always had a strained relationship with my family on a good day.  I was surprised to see any of them even pretend to care, but also didn't get into deep conversation because I knew it was very temporary. 

 I'm not sure how much I could use people around, but wanting someone who actually cares would be nice.  But is also something I've stopped asking for. 

[Ice Fire]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I get it.  George and I used to love to go camping.  I haven't camped since.  I finally gave away our camping trailer to my son and his wife, I couldn't bear to go into it.  It still had his clothes in it, our handmade cribbage board that we bought on one of our excursions.  I couldn't bear to clean it out.  It was too "us", the custom bed we upholstered, the curtains I made for it, all of the food still in it...

 

My leftover  belongings from my partner are mostly being stored and preserved.  I hang onto an empty bottle of medicine as a reminder.  An earring he always wore and had on when he died I have on me now.  The Christmas tree we put up I haven't taken down. 

And I've lost interest in the things I used to do with him, things I did all the time.  I have food in the freezer we bought together I can't bring myself to use, or throw away. 

[floyd11554]

1 hour ago, Ice Fire said:

My leftover  belongings from my partner are mostly being stored and preserved.  I hang onto an empty bottle of medicine as a reminder.  An earring he always wore and had on when he died I have on me now.  The Christmas tree we put up I haven't taken down. 

And I've lost interest in the things I used to do with him, things I did all the time.  I have food in the freezer we bought together I can't bring myself to use, or throw away. 

I so relate to all of this.  Her bottle of liquor is still in my fridge.  Her shot glass she used to pour her whiskey still on the kitchen counter.  I can't bring myself to change anything about this place and how it was before January 5th.  I know some day I will but I can't right now.  The Christmas tree and Christmas village we put up together every year I did take down but I was ready to throw it all in the trash until I was convinced otherwise so I just shoved it all in boxes and stuffed it into the crawl space. At least I won't have to worry about that for another year.  Every other reminder is right here and still how it was.  On off days I sit here and wonder why I don't change anything but then I realize I can't and am not ready to.

[Ice Fire]

4 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

I so relate to all of this.  Her bottle of liquor is still in my fridge.  Her shot glass she used to pour her whiskey still on the kitchen counter.  I can't bring myself to change anything about this place and how it was before January 5th.  I know some day I will but I can't right now.  The Christmas tree and Christmas village we put up together every year I did take down but I was ready to throw it all in the trash until I was convinced otherwise so I just shoved it all in boxes and stuffed it into the crawl space. At least I won't have to worry about that for another year.  Every other reminder is right here and still how it was.  On off days I sit here and wonder why I don't change anything but then I realize I can't and am not ready to.

I can't tell you what's right for you when it comes to your things, or hers.  I need and want the reminder, so I preserve everything.  I have scented seasonal candles from Christmas I haven't and won't use, but will keep around. 

If you want to hang onto something, then hang onto it.  Only you get to decide what's right for you, and only you know what that is.  What do you think she would say?

My partner would be touched and reassured that I held onto these things.  So I have no guilt or need to do otherwise. 

[floyd11554]

1 hour ago, Ice Fire said:

I can't tell you what's right for you when it comes to your things, or hers.  I need and want the reminder, so I preserve everything.  I have scented seasonal candles from Christmas I haven't and won't use, but will keep around. 

If you want to hang onto something, then hang onto it.  Only you get to decide what's right for you, and only you know what that is.  What do you think she would say?

My partner would be touched and reassured that I held onto these things.  So I have no guilt or need to do otherwise. 

I think it is a combination of the two.  I think she would also be touched that I held onto things and wanted to preserve, remember, and was unable to let go.  However I also know she would yell at me and tell me to move on, that I am still alive and need to live my life.  Catch 22 for sure.  

[Ice Fire]

15 minutes ago, floyd11554 said:

I think it is a combination of the two.  I think she would also be touched that I held onto things and wanted to preserve, remember, and was unable to let go.  However I also know she would yell at me and tell me to move on, that I am still alive and need to live my life.  Catch 22 for sure.  

Then work on both, a little at a time. There's no reason you can't preserve and remember, and do what she would want you to.

My partner told me flat not to do anything to myself if he didn't make it.  If for no other reason than for him I do what he asks. 

Sometimes that's enough. 

[Michelene]

Wow so much going on under this thread...I, too, am feeling the reorganization of people in my life. I understood in a vague way that people would not always be there for me, but some have not been there at all, family even. My brother came the first week of Dec. to help out, but I haven't heard anything from him or his family since. Cousins and friends have suddenly come into my life, even ones that haven't been in contact for years. There was a big storm the days surrounding my husband's memorial service, and some people couldn't get to it; others managed to just hit that sweet spot on flights in and out. I was grateful for everyone that showed up. People just started standing up and sharing memories...one of my friends showed up with her daughter and stayed with me the day before and after. She came from a long way away. She's been a good friend but not always a close friend. That seems to be changing. 

Everything is a reminder. I understand the pang of things that we might have done or would have done with our loved ones. The loss of the ability to share--anything, everything. I have something on my fridge that speaks of the loss of the ability to make them happy. People say that my husband is here, that he is happy, that I can make him happy by my happiness, but it is not the same, it's not happiness I can see in him. I have given some of his things (job related) away, as I know he would want these used, and not rotting on a shelf or in the trash bin. I am trying not, in my fits of extreme rage and grief, to rid myself of something I'll regret not having later on. 

I am also getting rid of some of my stuff--in a weird way, I feel like I'm making it easier for him if I pass--you can see I'm somewhat still in denial. I just feel like my heart and my head are so messed up right now I have to simplify things. In the end, I was happy with just my husband, with just being with him--I don't need all this stuff. I want him back. 

I keep thinking I will get an uncluttered quiet time to just grieve, but that never seems to happen--more paperwork, more complications, more emotions I didn't expect that I can't delve into because I"m at work. or with people. I want to just be quiet, and miss him. 

[Nicash]

On 2/24/2018 at 7:45 PM, floyd11554 said:

So it is coming on two months since I lost my girlfriend, my best friend, and my soul mate.  While I knew that the support system from people would  lessen over time I am surprised at how already most people have just up and vanished.  I knew that was inevitable and that people would have to get back to their lives and families but it is just sinking in that reality even more that I am utterly alone in this world with the exception of my work family.  All these different people who had said whatever you need or we will go out here to help take your mind off of things have all but disappeared. Some people that I considered close haven't even reached out at all since the week after she passed.  I am not asking for people to make my grief their priority or anything like that but I find it cold to say you are going to do things and then never reach out.  

For those on here who I have already spoken to or those I have not, how did you also deal with the immense grief you were already feeling coupled with the added pain of any support system drying up and the realization that it is now just you and you alone?

Floyd,

To answer your question, I turned inward. I listened to myself and what my body/mind needed in each moment. I realized, and eventually came to accept, that no one is really there for you or has your best interest in mind beside yourself. In the first three months I wrote. I poured my heart out into my writing and it felt good. I express myself best through writing. The support of his mother and brother faded after two months and I really didn’t have anyone and I accepted that. I wasn’t happy with it, but I accepted it. I’ve turned into a person who just goes with the flow, and takes much more care of myself ever since I lost my boyfriend. 

I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing and support you are lacking. Our culture tends to teach people to be severely insensitive to grieving individuals, it sucks  

 

[Nicash]

On 2/27/2018 at 2:10 AM, floyd11554 said:

Thank you for another suggestion.  I just bought It's Ok That You're Not Ok.  After i read that i will order Healing After Loss.

I purchased Its Ok That You’re Not Ok and I personally did not like it at all. I found Bearing the Unbarable by Dr Joanne Cacciatore to be EXTREMELY comforting and helpful 

[KayC]

Michelene,

I'm sorry it's been three months since your brother has been there for you, they really don't understand how deep is this loss and how far entrenching our grief.  My one sister came up for about a week but the others only came to his funeral, that's all.  Even though our friends all totally disappeared, I made a new friend, she was tried and true, but now even she has moved away, but she was there for me in those years I greatly needed someone.  I now know so many widows, I feel I'm not alone in my grief any more.

[KayC]

.

[floyd11554]

9 hours ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I purchased Its Ok That You’re Not Ok and I personally did not like it at all. I found Bearing the Unbarable by Dr Joanne Cacciatore to be EXTREMELY comforting and helpful 

I just got it in the mail.  I will see how it affects me and also look up your recommendation as well.  Whatever can help even a tiny bit right now is something I will appreciate since I am not getting much support from the people around me here.   

I don't know if our culture necessarily teaches people to be insensitive or not to one's grief.  I think it is just how people don't understand it or know how to approach people when they can't relate.  They know it is a very sensitive topic and I think they would just rather avoid it all together rather than risk saying the wrong thing.  I also think some have the misperception that you are supposed to up and continue your life right away and act like nothing has happened.   And then, you have those that just don't care enough and show that in spades as well.  That is how I know who is meant to stay in my life beyond all this.  When I flee to the other side of the country next year, those people won't hear a peep from me.

[Michelene]

I am not reading these books cover to cover. I read A Year of Magical Thinking early on, stopped halfway through, I just wanted a breather from my own raw experience. I had to get out of mine for a minute and get into someone else's. I haven't finished It's ok You're Not Ok yet. When I sense the book is getting to the point that they are talking about grief that has been going on longer than mine, I stop. I don't want to hear about "down the road." I guess I don't want to think, or read, about the future. I haven't even finished A Grief Observed. I don't want to get to  or even be exposed to stuff that is not where I am at. Maybe I feel like I don't want to get beyond the point where if my husband wanted to come back to me, he still could. Man, talk about magical thinking. A friend sent me Healing after Loss daily meditations. I do read that everyday, although some days the meditations are like, hopeful and stuff. Or a little too positive. Eff you, I think. But it's ok, because they are short and there is a new one the next day. I did sign up for Daily Ray of Hope from the Sierra Club, although sometimes is seems like Daily Ray of Hopeless or Daily Pinpoint Ray of Hope, and the Verse of the Day. They are short, give me something to focus on for the day, and if I don't like them, there's a new one coming down the pike tomorrow. 

In our staff meeting they started talking about heart attacks AGAIN. I wanted to say, what is WITH you people?

I just noticed I am now an advanced member. I sure don't feel advanced. 

[Tineke H]

Michelene, next time join in the conversation and tell them your recent experience.Your colleagues appear to be very insensitive and there is only one way to make them aware of that.Speaking up is hard, I know.

[Michelene]

Tineke H--I am afraid I will start crying. But I see your point. 

[Tineke H]

Michelene,my husband died 21 months ago(tomorrow) and I still cry most days and I do not care if I cry in front of people.Admittedly,I do that much less now, but it is something that I am not afraid or ashamed of.It is easy to say for me: 'Show them your emotions, show them how you feel, cry in front of them'.None of those things are easy.Try it and let us know how they responded.We may be all surprised.....

[Nicash]

11 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I just got it in the mail.  I will see how it affects me and also look up your recommendation as well.  Whatever can help even a tiny bit right now is something I will appreciate since I am not getting much support from the people around me here.   

I don't know if our culture necessarily teaches people to be insensitive or not to one's grief.  I think it is just how people don't understand it or know how to approach people when they can't relate.  They know it is a very sensitive topic and I think they would just rather avoid it all together rather than risk saying the wrong thing.  I also think some have the misperception that you are supposed to up and continue your life right away and act like nothing has happened.   And then, you have those that just don't care enough and show that in spades as well.  That is how I know who is meant to stay in my life beyond all this.  When I flee to the other side of the country next year, those people won't hear a peep from me.

I think the It’s Ok You’re not Ok book discusses Society and grief in an immature way, and is very repetitive. But again, that is just my opinion. It is easier to relate since the author lost a partner, but overall Bearing the Unbarable really spoke to me and Dr Joanne is very insightful and inspiring, she does so much great work. 

I tend to think society is very insensitive and opposed to grief. I tend to see things from an existential point of view, especially when it comes to grief. People are afraid of their own mortality. People are afraid to feel things. I think often times the people who are least understanding to Grieving individuals are people who have felt a very similar pain and do not want to hear about it or risk the possibility of reliving it. People today are afraid to display emotions. And people don’t want to hear others express their emotions. I think the technology filled world we live in today influences this very much. We can hid behind our computers or phones and distract ourselves from reality, or avoid a conversation face to face..It takes away the emotion. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

I think it is just how people don't understand it or know how to approach people when they can't relate.  They know it is a very sensitive topic and I think they would just rather avoid it all together rather than risk saying the wrong thing.  I also think some have the misperception that you are supposed to up and continue your life right away and act like nothing has happened.   And then, you have those that just don't care enough and show that

I think you're right. 

Over the years I've seen the topic of books come up often and "A Grief Observed" was always one of the recommended ones...in my opinion because CS Lewis was so authentic, he experienced love and grief that we have, and he put his theology aside to speak from his experience and feelings, which to me lends authenticity to his writing, that we can get.

This is a compilation of books that people from my other grief site have recommended, it's not exhaustive, but it's certainly a great start!
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429  as follows:
 

1. Surviving the Death of Your Spouse: A Step-by-Step Workbook, by Deborah S. Levinson

2. Caregiving, by Beth Witrogen McLeod

3. Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang

4. Life after Loss: A Practical Guide, by Bob Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson

6. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, by Jon Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine

8. Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine M. Saunders

9. The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald

10. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D. Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

12. How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies , by Therese A. Rando (recommended by Cheryl)

13. A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, by Stephen Levine

14. Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, by Nancy O'Connor

15. The Dying Time: Practical Wisdom for the Dying and Their Caregivers, by Joan Furman and David McNabb

16. Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief , by Stephanie Ericsson (recommended by Boo)

17. Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide, by Jill Brooke

18. A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing, by Carol Staudacher (recommended by Cheryl)

19. Too Soon Old Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, by Gordon Livingston

20. The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace, by Jack Kornfield

21. Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, by Sameet M. Kumar

22. When your Spouse Dies, by Cathleen L. Curry

23. Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices to Help You Stay Calm and Focused All Day Long, by Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine

24. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha W. Hickman

25. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle

26. Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, by Michael Shernoff (Editor)

27. A Journey Through Grief: Gentle, Specific Help, by Alla Renee Bozarth

28. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner

29. The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman

30. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson

32. Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope, by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. and Dianne Arcangel

33. Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing, by Susan Zimmerman

34. Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle

35. In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living, by Nancy Cobb

36. The Other Side and Back: A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond, by Sylvia Browne

37. Blessings from the Other Side: Wisdom and Comfort from the Afterlife for This Life, by Sylvia Browne

38. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, by Karen Casey

39. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche

40. Seven Choices: Finding Hope after Loss Shatters Your World , by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Paul S)

41. Grieving the Death of a Mother, by Harold Ivan Smith (recommended by Paul S and ashleybatt)

42. I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, by Linda Sones Feinberg (recommended by dpodesta and Rochel)

43. Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, by P. Gill White (recommended by Kerry)

44. Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim (recommended by LoriKelly)

45. Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss, by Deborah Morris Coryell (recommended by Chai)

46. Grace for Grief: Daily Comfort for Those Who Mourn, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

47. Angel Catcher,by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub, recommended by Carole

48. The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion, recommended by NotCoping

49. When Parents Die, by Rebecca Abrams (recommended by Rachael)

50. The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman (recommended by MartyT)

51. Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse, by Gary and Kathy Young (recommended by MartyT)

52. Books by John Edward (recommended by Leeann)

53. Talking to Heaven: A Medium's Message of Life After Death, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann)

54. Ghosts Among Us: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann

55. Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman (recommended by Sherr, Cubby and BellaRosa)

56. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, by Doris Stickney (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

57. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, by Jerry Sittser (recommended by Boo Mayhew and George)

58. No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, by Janice Harris Lord (recommended by MartyT)

59. Life after Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

60. Grace for Grief, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

61. Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Accepting Life's Adversities by Elizabeth Edwards (recommended by Sharon3)

62. Life After Death: The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

63. Getting to The Other Side of Grief: Overcoming The Loss of A Spouse by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries (recommended by tjwbrown)

64. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD (recommended by slinkybink)

65. Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg (recommended by Sal and by Marg)

66. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie (recommended by Tracy)

67. Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year (recommended by Tracy and by Brad)

68. When GOD Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life by Squire Rushnell (recommended by Carol Ann)

69. Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present by Jack Cain (recommended by MartyT)

70. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD (recommended by Anthony)

71. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hahn (recommended by Carol Ann)

72. 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper (recommended by NancyL and by NATS)

73. Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near Death Experiences by Jeffrey Long, MD (recommended by Melina)

74. My Glimpse of Eternity by Betty Malz (recommended by KayC)

75. Conversations with the Other Side by Sylvia Browne (recommended by grace10)

76. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anthony)

77. How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died by Susan Fuller (recommended by Niamh)

78. Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Boo)

79. Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence by Gail Sheehy (recommended by Steve)

80. Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann (recommended by mfh)

81. The Shack by Wm. Paul Young (recommended by suzie816)

82. Facing the Ultimate Loss: Confronting the Death of a Child by Robert J. Marx and Susan Wengerhoff Davidson (recommended by Carol Ann)

83. The Ultimate Loss: Coping with the Death of a Child by Joan Bordow (recommended by Nicholas)

84. Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matthew Logelin (recommended by MartyT)

85. A Widow's Story: A Memoir by Joyce Carol Oates (recommended by Carol Ann)

86. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamieson (recommended by Nicholas)

87. Love Never Ends by Connie Martin and Barry Dundas (recommended by Becky)

88. A Tearful Celebration by Dr. James Means (recommended by Pat)

89. Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by Miriam Greenspan (recommended by MartyT)

90. The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn (recommended by Steve)

91. Ask George Anderson: What Souls in the Hereafter Can Teach Us About Life by George Anderson (recommended by Mary)

92. Waking Up: Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise (recommended by MartyT)

93. Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

94. Levels of Life by Julian Barnes (recommended by Jan)

95. True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart by Tara Brach (recommended by Mary and Anne

96. Will You Dance? by Annette Childs-Oroz (recommended by Marty T)

97. Growing Wings: A View from Inside the Cocoon by Kristen Jongen (recommended by Marty T)

98. Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss and Bold Living by Nancy Sharp (recommended by Marty T)

99. Happily Even After: A Guide to Getting Through (and Beyond) The Grief of Widowhood by Carole Brody Fleet (recommended by Marty T)

100. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller (recommended by Anne)

101. Leaning Into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief by Elaine Mansfield (recommended by Marty T)

102. Stunned by Grief: Remapping Your Life When Loss Changes Everything by Judy Brizendine (recommended by Marty T)

103. On My Own by Diane Rehm (recommended by mfh)

104. About Grief: Insights, Setbacks, Grace Notes, Taboos by Ron Morasco and Brian Shuff (recommended by scba)

105. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman (recommended by kayc)

106. Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief  by Tom Zuba (recommended by Marty T and Rochestergal)

107. On Loss and Living Onward: Collected Voices for the Grieving and Those Who Would Mourn With Them by Melissa Dalton-Bradford (recommended by Teresa Bruce)

108.  Gaining Traction - Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner by Peggy Panagotacos (recommended by iPraiseHim)

109. Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times by Deborah S. Derman (recommended by Marty T)

110. Grief Diaries: How to Help The Newly Bereaved by Linda Cheldelin Fell, et al (recommended by KATPILOT)

111. Grief Diaries: Loss of Health by Linda Cheldelin Fell (recommended by Anne)

112. Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss: Daily Meditations for Those Who Are Grieving by Ashley Davis Bush (recommended by Maryann)

113. The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse by Richard L. Mabry (recommended by iPraiseHim)

114. A Gift of Love: A Widow’s Memoir by Linda Della Donna (recommended by Anne) 

115. Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert (recommended by Marty T)

116. Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment by Marianne Williamson (recommended by Anne)

117. Grief Is A Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss by Kenneth J. Doka (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

118. Grieving with Hope: Finding Comfort as You Journey Through Loss by Samuel J. Hodges and Kathy Leonard (recommended by Anne)

119. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi (recommended by Marty T and Anne)

120. Grief One Day At A Time: 365 Meditations to Help You Heal After Loss by Alan Wolfelt (recommended by Marg M)

121. The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide by Brandy Lidbeck (recommended by Marty T)

122. Being There for Someone in Grief  by Marianna Cacciatore (recommended by Marty T)

123. Grief Diaries: Through the Eyes of Men by Fell, Jones and Hochhaus (recommended by Marty T)

124. There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell (recommended by Marty T)

125. Disaster Falls: A Family Story by Stephane Gerson (recommended by Marty T)

126. Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant (recommended by iPraiseHim)

127. Never Long Enough by Rabbi Joseph Krakoff and Dr. Michelle Sider (recommended by Marty T)

128. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (recommended by kayc)

129. Bearing The Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore (recommended by Anne)

130. Ruthless Grieving: The Journey to Acceptance and Beyond by Susan Powers (recommended by TomPB)

131. Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in The Sorrow of Loss by Patrick O'Malley and Tim Madigan (recommended by Marty T)

132. We Get It: Voices of Grieving College Students and Young Adults by Heather Servaty-Seib and David Fajgenbaum (recommended by Marty T)

133. Life After the Diagnosis: Expert Advice on Living Well with Serious Illness for Patients and Caregivers by Steven Z. Pantilat, MD (recommended by Marty T)

134. It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine (recommended by Anne and Marty T)

135. I Will Always Love You and I Will Always Love You Journal by Melissa Lyons (recommended by Marty T)

136. Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown (recommended by Anne)

137. One Mindful Day at a Time: 365 Daily Meditations for Living in the Now by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

138. A to Z Healing Toolbox: A Practical Guide for Navigating Grief and Trauma with Intention by Susan Hannifin-MacNab (recommended by Marty T)

 

[M88]

Wow, that’s a lengthly list of books on grief !!  I bought many ebooks but have finished reading none of them.

It’s over two years now since my hubby was killed and my daughter and I are still fairly well supported by most of our close friends, our wee family and the community but have let go of a number of friends who think because we have had one person convicted for my partners death, we should stop fighting the authorities to have the second person we feel is equally responsible, brought to account.  It’s just not in our nature to do so.  The authorities have let us down majorly since day one, all apart from a second, more competent police officer who was put in chargeof our case but he too has become inaccessible, through no fault of his own. 

We have been left feeling unsupported and isolated by the authorities since the trial last October so this week we have enlisted the help of our local MP.  He holds a Ministerial role in Parliament (not Minister of Justice though) and his helpful PA is a prosection lawyer.  Am happy to say that their  involvment is already paying off, so our spirits are lifted.  I get really down if I’m not making progress in getting justice for my darlings death. My daughter handles rhe lulls better as she’s back to living her busy and enjoyable life, as I’ve encouraged her to do, but she’s very perceptive and feels my pain.  I only feel bettter in myself if we’re making progress or if I’m supporting somone else who is having trouble with the authorities. I revert back to struggling to even get out the door on the ‘lull’ days.

There is nuch getting to know the different  people we become through having suffered sudden, traumatic loss and experiencing ongoing trauma created through isolation and being unsupported by those that should be helping us. 

Treasure those folk who have a positive, supportive role in your grief, guys. 

 

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, M88 said:

Treasure those folk who have a positive, supportive role in your grief, guys.

For sure.  My sisters and kids have always been supportive but none of them know what it's like, they can't begin to grasp the day in and day out of this loss.  I truly hope you get "justice", I know even that rings hollow because when all is said and done you are still missing your husband, and it's so damned unfair!  Even if they get life in prison, they still get to visit with their family, eat meals, work out, breathe, which is more than your husband gets.  

[floyd11554]

Today would have been our 8 year anniversary.  Once the clock struck midnight just now my heart sank and it was like I was being stabbed in the heart over and over again.  I knew I would have to deal with these types of days eventually but on top of how hard a normal day is this one just is really hard to deal with.  Thankfully with daylight savings today is only 23 hours.  

[Tineke H]

Hi Floyd, these anniversary days are terrible.Today should have been a happy day for you and your girlfriend and look what you have got.Just sadness.

Yuyu has his first anniversary of the death of his wife today.

There are so many people on this world that have a sad anniversary today.We don't know them but they are all in pain.

On this forum we are here for each other and we can try to make the pain that tiny little bit less.

[Stonesie]

The anniversaries are horrible.  The one year mark for losing my Kevin was Christmas Day.  Kind of a double whammy.

I know exactly what you mean about people not being there after a bit.  It's so incredibly awful when everyone just goes back to their happy normal lives and you're just standing there thinking...hello, what about me?

I know how you're feeling 

[KayC]

I'm sorry to those of you facing that this week, they really are hard.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎3‎/‎5‎/‎2018 at 10:29 AM, nicoleashley94 said:

I purchased Its Ok That You’re Not Ok and I personally did not like it at all. I found Bearing the Unbarable by Dr Joanne Cacciatore to be EXTREMELY comforting and helpful 

That's why the market is saturated with books on grief  There are options available to everyone.  Megan Devine helped me understand what to expect from our culture and it was support during my initial stages. The stages of shock after losing someone suddenly from a massive heart attack.   Even with my SW experience I wasn't prepared for this.  I hope others continue to research options and not avoid a suggestion because it didn't provide comfort for someone else.  

[floyd11554]

Well I am glad I don't have to worry about that day again for another 364 days.   Thankfully her birthday is not until September. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

I hope others continue to research options and not avoid a suggestion because it didn't provide comfort for someone else.  

Exactly!  I wish there were a book exchange with support groups so people could pool their books together for others to try without it being expensive outlay.

[Sunflower2]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Exactly!  I wish there were a book exchange with support groups so people could pool their books together for others to try without it being expensive outlay.

I know! Right? LOL  so far the two that I purchased have worked well for me for now.  knowledge is power but the last thing I wanted to do was intellectualize grief.   I always research most suggested readings than decide at some point. Hugs

[Nicash]

On 3/12/2018 at 3:29 PM, Sunflower2 said:

That's why the market is saturated with books on grief  There are options available to everyone.  Megan Devine helped me understand what to expect from our culture and it was support during my initial stages. The stages of shock after losing someone suddenly from a massive heart attack.   Even with my SW experience I wasn't prepared for this.  I hope others continue to research options and not avoid a suggestion because it didn't provide comfort for someone else.  

I stated my opinion, I never said it was the end all be all. I gave another suggestion as well so why should that be avoided?  

[Sunflower2]

48 minutes ago, nicoleashley94 said:

I stated my opinion, I never said it was the end all be all. I gave another suggestion as well so why should that be avoided?  

In grief I'm not interested in opinions if that is how you perceive your suggestion. 

[Nicash]

28 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

In grief I'm not interested in opinions if that is how you perceive your suggestion. 

And that’s fine for you. 

[KayC]

I guess I missed something because I don't find the suggestion.  People COME here not only for understanding and support, but also for suggestions, help.  I know I couldn't have made it without such help when I went through it as I was blindsided by grief and felt like I was cut adrift in a stormy sea.

[floyd11554]

I don't think nicoleashley94 was being out of line at all in offering her opinion on the book.  What is good for one is not always good or right for another.  I appreciate her suggestion just as well as any others and after reading this one I will seek out hers because even if I take a tiny bit from each and it helps me in some way it is a success for me right now.  As KayC said, we come here also for suggestion and help and in that help all I want is honesty from someone and that honesty I thank and appreciate.   I have enough people blowing smoke up my ass here at home.