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Lisaislost

Grieving my future

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Thank you, i have text messages and emails and also a saved voice mail but something about seeing her put doubt in my head. I know she was jealous of our relationship because she has very unhappy in her marriage. She never gave me credit. I just have to remember our private conversations and not let her get to me. 

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That would be my advice. Also, try to make sure and save that vmail somewhere besides your phone. Get it onto a flash drive or your cpu or something. 

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I know 9 weeks isn’t a long time in this grieving process but i feel like I’ve taken a few steps backwards. While i am having less full on crying outbursts, i still have a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. Things that gave me comfort are now giving me anxiety. I wrote the other day about packing my husband’s things up. Storing them away, but then I’d have to deal with them down the road. 

 

My house is a mess too! I use to like to keep it clean but i have no desire to clean. But then i stare at the mess and it makes me crazy. Then i think maybe cleaning will be a good distraction. 

My guess is, all of this is normal grieving. I can’t  believe how hard this is. I have 2 daughters at home ages 17 and 18 so i have to keep moving for them. I think they’ve kept me from driving off a bridge. 

I find comfort in this forum because you all know how i feel but to be honest, some of your post make me sad. When i think of having these feelings years down the road, it doesn’t help with my grief. 

 

 

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16 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Have any of you had crazy thoughts in early grief about doubting your partner’s Love. I don’t know if it’s because i don’t have him here for reassurance but it’s killing me. I am trying to daily to look at the positive but i can’t help when negative thoughts creep in. 

I had lunch with my mother in law and i think it put me in a funk. 

The one thing I've never doubted is his love.  But this is a common enough grief response (for lack of a better term) that I'd say it's normal enough.  Just remind yourself of his love, the things that made you KNOW he loved you and realize, hear me loud and clear, the only difference between then and now is that his body gave out.  Period.  His love remains and continues, and just as your love for him continues to grow with time, so does his.  Believe that, stand on it, it is so!

 

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3 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

My guess is, all of this is normal grieving.

Oh, it is!

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Okay, crazy Lisa is back. Doubt is gone for now. But serous sadness has taken over. I keep thinking if i had woken up a little earlier then i might have been able to save him. He was unresponsive when i woke up and by the time the ambulance came, he was gone. Five minutes and he still could be here. I blocked that out until now. After i had my brush with doubt, i guess my brain decided to torment me with guilt. Yikes! This is painful. My daughter wanted to go out with her friends but i told her i didn’t think i could be alone. She understands but i feel bad. 

Starting my grief group Wednesday. 

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Lisa,

I don't know if you've read the two articles on guilt that I posted (page one in this thread), but I've found them to be of help.  You couldn't stay awake and watch to make sure your husband was okay all of the time and the truth is, if it was to be another way, it would have happened that way, you are not responsible for it!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time...I reckon that's to be expected at this point, it's hard, so hard, to do this journey.  It is good for your daughter to get out, she may need that, is there a friend you could call to come over and be with you when she's gone?  I'm glad your grief group will start tomorrow.  Our group has been close and been there for each others, not only during the sessions, but outside of them as well, I hope it is as helpful for you.

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yes I did read them early on but I think I need to revisit. Thank you!

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Lisa,

I wish this journey was easier, it's the hardest thing I've had to tackle in life, but it's not all horrible, I've actually gleaned some good from it.  Not enough that I wouldn't wish George back in a heartbeat though!

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33 minutes ago, KayC said:

Lisa,

I wish this journey was easier, it's the hardest thing I've had to tackle in life, but it's not all horrible, I've actually gleaned some good from it.  Not enough that I wouldn't wish George back in a heartbeat though!

I've learned a lot too.   I've realized how much strength, courage, passion, and love I have inside my body.   In the many years to come (sigh), I'm sure these areas will develop into something a lot more than what it is today.  That said though, I did not wish for these and I would take my wife (and the old me), back in an instance!

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On 1/7/2018 at 5:03 AM, Lisaislost said:

I know 9 weeks isn’t a long time in this grieving process but i feel like I’ve taken a few steps backwards. While i am having less full on crying outbursts, i still have a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. Things that gave me comfort are now giving me anxiety. I wrote the other day about packing my husband’s things up. Storing them away, but then I’d have to deal with them down the road. 

I find comfort in this forum because you all know how i feel but to be honest, some of your post make me sad. When i think of having these feelings years down the road, it doesn’t help with my grief. 

Lisa, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about the pain and the sorrow.  I remember vividly where I was around my 9 week mark.  It was not pretty nor can I even imagine backtracking back to those days.   It is tough.  The only thing that I can say is that in time, this phase will blow by and there will be other areas of grief, which are less intense, that you will have to deal with.   It's not going to be better, but just different.

One of the things I've realized too by coming onto this forum, is hearing and seeing over and over again that grief will take time.... a lot of it.  It's YEARS, perhaps even a lot more than that.   Grief is an ever going thing in our new life, it is going to be a constant learning and adjusting for us for the rest of our lives.   It's not fun.  And yes, it all sounds SO SCARY to me too...  and I'm a guy.

Presently, I'm existing just to exist each day.  I've reached a point where I know I can survive.  I know I can survive today, this week, and very likely, this month.   Before, I can't look more than a day or two ahead.    Is it easier?  Yes, life gets easier.   Is it better?   No, because my wife still isn't here.

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Is this a cruel joke?  my daughter texted me at work to tell me the refrigerator stopped working. I had to leave my classroom and cry in the bathroom. Just a reminder that I’m alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks and it’s only a refrigerator. Prayers please ! 

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1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Is this a cruel joke?  my daughter texted me at work to tell me the refrigerator stopped working. I had to leave my classroom and cry in the bathroom. Just a reminder that I’m alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks and it’s only a refrigerator. Prayers please ! 

You are not alone!  After my husband passed away, my printer suddenly died.  I had to rush to get a new one for my daughter's homework.  The neighbor put a dent in my car and didn't want to go through insurance.  I had to locate the cheapest dealer to have it fixed and pursue payment from her.  My electrical fuse got problem causing part of the home without electricity and I didn't know how to switch it back.  I intensively contacted almost 10 electrical technicians, only found one could come to my home to fix it.  All these frustrations added to my grief and I cried miserably during the processing.  I wondered why all these problems showed up after my husband was gone.

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Lisa,

I remember when my computer died (after George did, at some point) and my son told me, "There's nothing broke that can't be fixed" and that helped my anxiety.  I've had to face many such things without George by my side, freezer gave out, refrigerator gave out, computer, printers, vehicles, roofs, ramp, porch, loss of jobs, etc. etc.  I had to face loss of mom alone.  Loss of pets.

There's repairmen to call for refrigerators, and if it's too expensive to fix, try Sears for a new one.  I got mine there for $346.  I got my freezer for under $500.  St. Vinnie's sells refurbished ones.  You'll get through this, deep breath!!  We're here rooting for you and know you can handle anything you have to, you just may not feel like it!

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On a positive note, my refrigerator only blew a fuse. Still a bitter reminder of my new life. Last night I invited our pastor over. I was telling him that I am continually praying for peace and comfort. I want to get negative thoughts of doubt and guilt out of my head.   He stressed to me that it was important to keep praying and to keep reading scripture. Eventually, God's love will fill me. I am hopeful that I will receive his grace and peace.

I start my bereavement group tonight. I will keep you updated on my progress and thoughts.

 

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I started my grief group last night. It was tough listening to all of the stories of loss and love. I have to say i had a bad night sleeping so I’m wondering if the sadness from the group just compounded my own. The facilitator said that we would feel sad today but as we moved forward with our meetings, we would experience other feelings too. 

Next week we are suppose to bring a photo of our spouse so we can share it with the group. And we can get an understanding of who we are talking about. 

I started yesterday on a positive note. I walked outside and noticed the beautiful sky. I cooked a “ real” dinner. But now I’ve slid back to sadness. It’s tough and i know it’s a roller coaster ride. 

Still praying continually for peace! 

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I'm glad that's all it was, a fuse.  I hope you don't have any more problems with it.

Keep trying the group, it shouldn't always be woe and sadness, but some victories and learning as well.  If it stay the same talk to the leader about it.  Is she introducing some materials to the group?  There's so much available!  I wish you were here so you could go to my group!

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15 minutes ago, KayC said:

 I wish you were here so you could go to my group!

Me too!

i can’t get out of my head today. I’m totally distracted and can’t focus on anything. I want to run away and hide. I’m sad, mad and anxious all at the same time. I’ve never used medication but I’m thinking it might combat this anxiety. 

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7 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I started my grief group last night. It was tough listening to all of the stories of loss and love. I have to say i had a bad night sleeping so I’m wondering if the sadness from the group just compounded my own. The facilitator said that we would feel sad today but as we moved forward with our meetings, we would experience other feelings too. 

Next week we are suppose to bring a photo of our spouse so we can share it with the group. And we can get an understanding of who we are talking about. 

I started yesterday on a positive note. I walked outside and noticed the beautiful sky. I cooked a “ real” dinner. But now I’ve slid back to sadness. It’s tough and i know it’s a roller coaster ride. 

Still praying continually for peace! 

The grief groups were my lifeline during my earlier months.  I am so glad that you found a group in your area and wish you the best to find comfort there.   I know it can be tough listening to other losses.  For me, listening to other losses helped me realized that I am not alone, and that there are other people that seemingly have been through perhaps a tragedy that seems worst than mine.   Either way, just be open to the exercises and program whatever the faciliator has for you.  After a few sessions, you may even find someone there that you can  relate to and you may be able to support each other in this grueling journey.    There will be weeks when you see your group shifting.  In other words, some weeks, some people may be doing OK while others may be at a low.  After a few weeks, the position changes.    If there is more than one group in your area, I would check out the others as well.  I've met a lot of new buddies from various groups and we still maintain contact and keep in touch.   The groups have been very helpful for me.  I'm so glad you took this step forward!!

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23 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Me too!

i can’t get out of my head today. I’m totally distracted and can’t focus on anything. I want to run away and hide. I’m sad, mad and anxious all at the same time. I’ve never used medication but I’m thinking it might combat this anxiety. 

I have been on anti-anxiety medicine for years, should have been on it all my life as I also have GAD but grief seems to have intensified it.  My medicine is safe and lowest dose so it doesn't totally alleviate it but it takes the edge off, makes it a bit more manageable without being robotic, you know?  You might want to talk to your doctor about it, but research whatever is prescribed to make sure it's something you want.  I'm on Buspirone (generic of Buspar).  My anxiety affects my sleep or I'd consider doing without it, but then I used to get panic attacks, if you have those you'll definitely want to consider a medicine, they are not fun!

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I am struggling today with sadness. I think the weekends are tough because it was when we saw each other most. I thought i passed the stage of wanting to join him but today it has returned. It’s crazy, I’m sitting here with our beautiful daughters yet i can’t help feeling so alone. 

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4 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

I am struggling today with sadness. I think the weekends are tough because it was when we saw each other most. I thought i passed the stage of wanting to join him but today it has returned. It’s crazy, I’m sitting here with our beautiful daughters yet i can’t help feeling so alone. 

Lisa,

This was one of my many prior bigger challenges.   It would begin when Friday late afternoon arrived.   The thought of beginning a weekend without my wife was so unbearable.  Weekends (beginning Friday nights) were our personal time. Although we saw each other everyday, it was the weekend where we truly let go of all of our work responsibilities and tended to things at home, together.    When I lost my wife, every Friday afternoon was the beginning of a struggle.  While everyone at the office is cheering and are in happy spirit because of the upcoming weekend, I was the grumpy sad fellow who could have cared less for it.    At that time, weekends just meant time being alone, and it is a constant reminder of what my life is now that my wife is no longer here.   It's a terrible sad sad feeling.

Over many months, I have gotten use to this and the feelings are more manageable these days.   It's not great, but it's much better than before.  Perhaps there's a bit of me now that actually welcomes the weekend -- mainly it's because it's my own time and not have to worry about work.    So perhaps it's slowly getting back to before.        But I absolutely know how it feels.

The only real thing you can do is to fill your weekends with activities.  Perhaps you can do things with your daughters.  Or if you are not already, begin to get more involved in their activities and hobbies.   These are very basic suggestions and I'm sure you're already figuring this out.   I just want to let you know that I absolutely know how it feels.    The sadness is overwhelming and the feeing of being alone, and being "stuck" in both the situation and feeling of being lost is not pleasant. 

I wish you a better and peaceful weekend!!

 

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my best friend is trying to get me out to yoga. I know i should go but it’s hard to go out. I’m planning a trip to North Carolina to visit my brother in April. It will be my 20th anniversary and i know i won’t want to be home. 

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Grief has its waves, waves of feeling the depths of despair, and then feeling somewhat okay, only to be knocked down again.  I've learned to ride the waves, knowing tomorrow I'll have different feelings than today, and hanging on for the ride.  It's a hard thing to get through, I take each day, each moment, as it comes.  

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Grief has its waves, waves of feeling the depths of despair, and then feeling somewhat okay, only to be knocked down again.  I've learned to ride the waves, knowing tomorrow I'll have different feelings than today, and hanging on for the ride.  It's a hard thing to get through, I take each day, each moment, as it comes.  

I pray the waves come less often as time passes! 

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