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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Lonely spouse

Lost of my husband best friend

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17 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

well it has been 7 months today that I lost my hero Don.  I just couldn't do anything today but hide from.the world. And no one even seemed to care.  But when so called family or friends  are with me they seem like they are doing me a favor by telling me not to wear Don's shirt or jacket. Why should they care what I wear? It masked me feel like he is still with me and I remember when we meant I was cold and he took off his jacket and gave it to me. And held me so he could help me stay warm. If they are my friends why would they not support me and my decision to wear Don's cloths

KayC gave you some comforting words and good links. I still wear my husband's clothes and if I am sitting at the kitchen table and feel chilled, I will grab his jacket off his chair and toss it around my shoulders. There is nothing wrong with this. We do what we need to, in order to find a a level of comfort and feeling close to our loved one.

Family and friends don't always understand. They are uncomfortable about death, until it happens to them in a personal way. Some people think it is creepy to see us wearing something from our loved one. Mostly, it it because they want to see us as normal, back to being the person we used to be. We are never going to be that person again. it does not matter what anyone thinks you should or should not do. What matters is your feelings and what you do in order to cope. At least you are wearing clothes. Ask them if they would prefer seeing you walk around naked instead, LOL.

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Marty (Grief Counselor & Website Adm....I know, you guys are probably tired of hearing about her, but she's my mentor and has been with me since day one) says to throw "should" out of our vocabulary.  Don't let anyone else put "should" on you.  There is only one way to get through this and that is YOUR way!

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Its not getting easier its getting harder every day specially sense the holidays are coming Don loved Christmas. He hated the shopping but loved wrapping presents i can just see Don now sitting next 2 the tree shaking the presents trying to figure out what is in it. I remember last year getting a big box and wrapping a set of tools and a green bay packer shirt in it just to make he crazy it was funny the tools made the box heavy. I put all kinds of bubble things to cover he was going crazy to find his gifts. I wish i could do that again this year. DON I LOVE U AND MISS U AND NOW 7 MONTHS AFTER U PASSED I LOST OUR FUR BABY BUDDY. HE IS WITH U DON PLEASE TAKE CARE OF BUDDY GIVE HIM LOTS OF HUGS 4 ME. LOVE U DON & BUDDY.

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Lonely spouse,   I am sorry for how you are feeling. i don't know if the grieving ever gets easier. I feel it just gets different, a little less difficult over time. For the majority, this is a first time experience and we have nothing to fall back on for how to cope. I agree that the holidays are going to be the worst to get through. I ignored the holidays last year, as well as I could. This year, my daughter was asking about decorating, bringing in a tree. She has always loved my creativity with decorating. The big meals and baking. I answered "no" to everything. Granted, my response was automatic, driven by my loneliness for my husband. But, I have been wondering if I am damaging/disappointing the rest of the family by depriving them of what used to make me happy and their happiness. I don't know. I don't know how or what to think anymore.

I am sorry you lost your fur baby Buddy as well. I know how tough that has to be. I dread the day I lose my fur babies since they are in their senior years. Only I will be left of what used to be our little immediate family of 4. All 4 of us sharing the bed at night. I used to lay awake at night listening to my husband and the dog snoring. I got so much comfort and security from that. Now, I only hear my dog snoring. At some point, my pets will be with my husband in Heaven. Small consolation, but one never the less.

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18 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Its not getting easier its getting harder every day specially sense the holidays are coming Don loved Christmas. He hated the shopping but loved wrapping presents i can just see Don now sitting next 2 the tree shaking the presents trying to figure out what is in it. I remember last year getting a big box and wrapping a set of tools and a green bay packer shirt in it just to make he crazy it was funny the tools made the box heavy. I put all kinds of bubble things to cover he was going crazy to find his gifts. I wish i could do that again this year. DON I LOVE U AND MISS U AND NOW 7 MONTHS AFTER U PASSED I LOST OUR FUR BABY BUDDY. HE IS WITH U DON PLEASE TAKE CARE OF BUDDY GIVE HIM LOTS OF HUGS 4 ME. LOVE U DON & BUDDY.

I am so sorry, I know what that's like, two months after my husband died our/his cat Tigger took one long last look at me and left, never to be seen again.  Tigger was our cat but I guess he considered himself George's more because when I was fixing dinner he'd be playing with him.  I guess he waited two months for George to come home and when he didn't, he left on his own.  :(  Made me feel terrible.  I got another a couple of months later but he died within two years.  I remember crying out to God, "Can't you leave me ANYTHING?!!"  It was a wail from my heart, the pain was so excruciating.

So far I'm ignoring the holidays...

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Yea I kinda ignored Thanksgiving 2 in a way I stayed in my room with our other furbaby (Survivor) Don always called him Timex.  He took a licken & kept on ticken. I just kept asking what do i have to be Thanful 4? The lost of my best friend and my fur baby? I would be stupid 2 be thankful after losing them plus my dad and aunt the year before.  Then I get a phone call from Don's sister telling me that Don would not want me to be ungreatful  2 think about how he was always thankful 4 the things he had not ungreatful 4 what he doesn't have.  It made sense i still didnt celebrate Thanksgiving but i did take Survivior to a park and played with him and talked to Don cause i know that's what Don would of done after we celebrated  Thanksgiving. I guess i knew if I didnt take Survivor like we did Don would be disappointedin me. But it's still going to be very hard to celebrate holidays without Don my dad and BUDDY. Buddy loved to open his Christmas presents and Don Loved  Christmas not cause he got Packer stuff but because he knew the true meaning celebratethe true meaning the brith of Jesus Christ.  I know Don will be mad if I say this but how do i suspose to celebrate the birth of Jesus if he took my family away from me?  That thought keep popping up in my head. I guess i am just feeling sorry 4 myself. I dont know so many thoughts going through my head I feel guilty when i smile and i feel sad and cry when i hear someone talk about Don or something they remember Buddy did. I am just so lost in this world without them.

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From day 11 on this journey I have tried to practice the art of looking for joy in each day.  It started when I came out of the eye doctor and there was a cart on the sidewalk from the neighboring business...a dragonfly refrigerator magnet caught my eye and it said "Find Joy in every day".  I figured it was a message from God, something I needed, I bought it and put it up where I could see it every day.  Some days it was a stretch to find anything good but I looked for good anyway.  Sometimes it was something so small as being grateful for a car letting me merge, or someone holding the door open for me.  Sometimes it was for God's provision for me, unexpected money come my way.  A phone call from my sister.  A rainbow.  Seeing deer or elk or a hummingbird.  Hearing my cat purr.  A kiss from my dog.  Little things.  I learned not to compare them to what I lost, my big joy, George.  I learned instead to embrace them for the good that they were.  It taught me to be present in today and not to miss what good there is.  It helped me live again.  

I call it an art that you practice because it DOES take practice!  It's something we make effort to do, not something that necessarily comes naturally to us.  We FEEL like crawling under the covers and never coming out.  We FEEL like dying so we don't have to go through this grief, it's HARD!  But when we consciously make an effort to do something good for ourselves, take care of ourselves, take a walk, and yes, even look for joy in today, it all has a transforming power in our lives that helps us through this.  There's no easy way through grief, it's long and arduous, but I've learned we can live through it and with it and even find some good along the way.

It's okay to ignore the holidays.  It's okay to embrace them.  It's good to do what feels right for YOU, what brings you the most comfort.  It might be different this year from next year.  That first year is tough.  The second year isn't much better.  It takes a long while to process our grief, let alone find purpose again and build a life for ourselves we can live.  It's all part of our process, our grief journey.  

When I embarked on this grief journey, my grief was shaken to the core.  It can do that, that's normal in grief.  Try not to worry about it unduly, it will come back around.  In time you'll realize that it's not that God took them from us, but that He was there through every step of our journey and didn't leave us alone in it when this happened.  Death is part of the cycle of life in this sin fallen world.  It is in the next world that we can say goodbye to death and endings and time will be no more as it will continue on and on forever.  It is in the next world that they reside, and what we look forward to, being reunited with them.  I felt anger that God took my beloved from me when it took half my life to find him!  In time I realized that was just part of grief feelings, it's not that God took him from me, but his mortal body gave out.

Be very patient with yourself, understanding.  Don won't feel disappointed with you.  He knows this is a hard journey that you're embarking on, one he hasn't had to do, no judgment there, but only understanding and care.

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Lonely spouse,  KayC's post was thoughtful, loving and wise. This is a tough journey, and we need to travel it in our way and try to stay in the present. We will find the small joys and good again, as long as we remain open and loving. You got through Thanksgiving and you will get through Christmas, in your way. We all need to remind ourselves of what we still have to be thankful for, no matter how mundane or large and small. We have a roof over our head, food to eat, others who do care, pets who provide comfort, companionship. That list could go on-----. Don cannot live out his physical life, but he will be proud of you for completing it for him. KayC is right. Our loved ones do see our struggles here without them. They know how hard this life is. The best way to honor them is by living it fully for them, and when we have that reunion and we are in their arms again, there will be much to celebrate and be proud of.

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Well just wanted to say Merry Christmas to everyone. I know 4 me it's not going to be very Merry with my husband and now I lost one of our fur babies  Buddy is in heaven with Don giving Don lots of hugs. I know Don would want me 2 celebrate the true meaning of Christmas Don loved Christmas not cause of the gifts he would get but because he understood the true meaning of Christmas. The birth of Jesus Christ. I know Don would want me to Celebrate the birth of Jesus but how can I celebrate when I am grieving the lost of the best person I have ever known? I don't want to break my promise to Don  but I don't see why i should be celebrating when I don't have my husband and my friends and some family members don't understand why i am still grieving and still depressed over the passing of my husband. And they still don't understand why i still feel guilty about him passing. I guess if they never really had true love and lost their true love they will never understand. 

 

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Just because they don't understand doesn't mean your grief isn't valid and normal, remember that...they don't understand because it's not their experience, it's yours.  No matter how wonderful it is that Jesus came to Earth for us (and it is!) when you are heavily in the throes of grief NOTHING feels celebratory!  The best we can hope for is to make it through it somewhat intact and functioning.  The grief-intensity will lessen in time, so hope for that day that will come when it dulls to a kind of sadness that resides in you alongside whatever else you are doing and feeling.  We will always remember and miss them as they are in our hearts and memories, always.  (((hugs)))

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Hugs to you and Merry Christmas as well, Lonely spouse.  This holiday time is hard, isn't it?  Today, Christmas Eve day, I would normally be doing food prep for the big meal tomorrow and any other last minute stuff. It has been just another long, lonely Sunday for me.  Tomorrow afternoon, I will get a short reprieve by making the drive down to see my son and my granddaughter for a few hours. So ironic for some of us, how family dynamics and relationships disappear,  when we lost the most important, cherished person in our life. They were the glue that held everything together for us, the center and rock for us.  So many losses, so much heart break.

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Hello every one well i just want to say I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas & a good new year so far. I just stayed to my self during Christmas just feeling sorry 4 myself. I just could face family with all the smiling. How can I be excepted to smile when I am heartbroken? And as for the new year same stayed to myself just me and our dog. I didn't feel like going out to celebrate. What would I be celebrating a new year meaning Don passed away a year ago in March. Plus if Don was here we would of stayed home maybe rented a movie cause he always said it's safer to bring the new year in at home and as long we were together it didn't matter where we were . I am just very lonely and depressed. And just wonder if anyone else here felt the same ? I know Christmas was suspose to be the celebration of JESUS Christ birthday, but how was I suspose 2 celebrate without the live of my life being here with me?  And my family just didn't understand. They keep telling me to go out and have fun that's what Don would want yes that's true he told me if anything happened to make sure I continue 2 live life to the fullest cause he would always be with me but I just can't. I am just not ready. Is there something wrong with me?

 

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You are not alone.  Family members have good hearts but have never experienced the trauma of losing partners.  There is no way they can understand why we can’t get over it.

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No there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!  Our society, friends, family, they don't understand grief or what to expect unless they've been there themselves, and even then it differs for each of us because we are unique individuals with differing relationships, coping skills, personalities, etc.  If you don't feel celebratory, give yourself time off from holidays and celebrations unless and until you feel more up to it.  Our state of mind, our sadness, doesn't mean we don't appreciate what Jesus did, we do, but you know what?  Even Jesus wept, he grieved.  I believe He gave that example having been through it.  The Bible says to comfort each other with the comfort we've been given...so it teaches empathy, and learning through our experiences and sharing with others from what we have gone through.  We are all here doing just that, and finding it helps to be able to do so.

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On 11/28/2017 at 8:38 AM, KayC said:

From day 11 on this journey I have tried to practice the art of looking for joy in each day.  It started when I came out of the eye doctor and there was a cart on the sidewalk from the neighboring business...a dragonfly refrigerator magnet caught my eye and it said "Find Joy in every day".  I figured it was a message from God, something I needed, I bought it and put it up where I could see it every day.  Some days it was a stretch to find anything good but I looked for good anyway.  Sometimes it was something so small as being grateful for a car letting me merge, or someone holding the door open for me.  Sometimes it was for God's provision for me, unexpected money come my way.  A phone call from my sister.  A rainbow.  Seeing deer or elk or a hummingbird.  Hearing my cat purr.  A kiss from my dog.  Little things.  I learned not to compare them to what I lost, my big joy, George.  I learned instead to embrace them for the good that they were.  It taught me to be present in today and not to miss what good there is.  It helped me live again.  

I call it an art that you practice because it DOES take practice!  It's something we make effort to do, not something that necessarily comes naturally to us.  We FEEL like crawling under the covers and never coming out.  We FEEL like dying so we don't have to go through this grief, it's HARD!  But when we consciously make an effort to do something good for ourselves, take care of ourselves, take a walk, and yes, even look for joy in today, it all has a transforming power in our lives that helps us through this.  There's no easy way through grief, it's long and arduous, but I've learned we can live through it and with it and even find some good along the way.

It's okay to ignore the holidays.  It's okay to embrace them.  It's good to do what feels right for YOU, what brings you the most comfort.  It might be different this year from next year.  That first year is tough.  The second year isn't much better.  It takes a long while to process our grief, let alone find purpose again and build a life for ourselves we can live.  It's all part of our process, our grief journey.  

When I embarked on this grief journey, my grief was shaken to the core.  It can do that, that's normal in grief.  Try not to worry about it unduly, it will come back around.  In time you'll realize that it's not that God took them from us, but that He was there through every step of our journey and didn't leave us alone in it when this happened.  Death is part of the cycle of life in this sin fallen world.  It is in the next world that we can say goodbye to death and endings and time will be no more as it will continue on and on forever.  It is in the next world that they reside, and what we look forward to, being reunited with them.  I felt anger that God took my beloved from me when it took half my life to find him!  In time I realized that was just part of grief feelings, it's not that God took him from me, but his mortal body gave out.

Be very patient with yourself, understanding.  Don won't feel disappointed with you.  He knows this is a hard journey that you're embarking on, one he hasn't had to do, no judgment there, but only understanding and care.

Thank you for posting this. Yesterday was a day in which I felt nothing--for some reason I didn't have that hollow feeling of fear and loss in my chest. But it came back today with a vengeance. A few weeks after my husband passed away I was sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas drinking coffee and I yelled out, "ANOTHER DAY FILLED WITH GOD'S WONDROUS JOY!!!!!"  in a bitter sarcastic way. But why not? why not look for one good thing each day--so I will, and write it on my calendar. Thank you for the idea--

 

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Michelene,

Wishing you blessings and joy as you embark on this journey of seeking to embrace what is good.  The bad will find us and haunt us, we don't have to seek that out, but it does take tremendous effort and focus when we're grieving to find something good in today.  It carries the result of gratitude, a heart looking up, and not missing out on what is good in this present moment.

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Hello well hope the new year has been good so far 4 everyone. It's hard 4 me but I am still putting  up the good fight .I am learning to cherish everyday that I get to wake up and still have my mom here and one of my fur babies. But I must say the depressionkeeps poppingI it's ugly head up. Every time i think ok I am going 2 be ok today the sadness pops back up. The guilt is there and just doesn't let  go. I don't how to get rid of the guilt. I understand I didn't do anything wrong but I feel so guilty for smiling when I grieving the death of my husband and one of our fur babies Buddies. Why am I losing every one I Love? It's not fair.

 

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Lonely spouse,

It's false guilt.  We have to learn to put up the hand to it when it confronts us and say NO to it!  You have nothing to feel guilty about!  Guilt's only real purpose is to call our attention to something that needs changing, when that's been done, we have to learn to let go of it because if we hold onto it, it turns to shame and paralyzes us, something that can have a detrimental effect on us.  So important to realize what's going on, that's why it helps me to physically put up the hand to it when those lingering guilt thoughts arise.  Tell it to go packing! 

We often feel guilty smiling when we are grieving, we feel it's a betrayal to our loved one, but it's not.  No amount of somberness will bring them back or make things as they were.  It won't make them feel better either!  But I imagine them feeling better knowing we're having a good moment and that they would relish that for us, anything to give us a slight break from this!  Please keep in mind It is not grief that binds us to them, but the love we have for each other and that continues still.

There is no answer to the "why" as there is no cause.  You are not behind this loss, you didn't cause it!  I see it as no rhyme or reason and yes you are right, it's damned unfair!!

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Thank u for saying that cause it makes a lot of sense. But how am I suspose to be strong enough to tell the guilt to go away. I tell myself I have nothing to be guilty of . But I am and was the weak link and Don was the STRONG link he was always there to hold me and make everything ok even if it was just a small thing like having a disagreement with a friend or family memberor from something serious like the passing of my dad or a surgery. He was always my strenght. He was the STRONG link in the chain.  I want to be strong and tell grief to leave and stay away but I cant.I know Don always said if he went home b 4 me don't feel guilty or bad cause he is going to be home pain free and he will be waiting 4 me. I just wish  I could be strong and tel all the guilt and bitterness I have sometimes to go the heck away and don't come back.

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You just keep saying it and the feelings eventually follow suit.  Practice it!

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I just wish Don was here we got snow and if Don was here we would of been out side playing in it throwing snow at each other playing with our dogs except one went home to be with Don and if it freezes we would go sledding and come home and lay under a blanket together with our dogs next to us yep we let our fur babies sleep on our bed and couching where they wanted they were our dogs they are our family. I did play with survivor today in the snow but then the guilt started popping its head back up cause i was laughing and enjoying playing with my fur baby and then stated feeling guilty cause Don and Buddy wasnt with us. I guess i am just crazy  or is this just part of grieving? I cant let go of Don  and my fur baby. Am I crazy like some people say? I write Don letters but I get criticized 4 doing that. Cause they say Don doesn't know I am writing to him. I may be wrong but I believe Don knows I am writingto him.

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Dear Lonely spouse, it hasn't even been 2 months since I lost my Eric and I write all the time to him. Sometimes I write an email at work and then print it out on his computer at home and read it aloud to him, then tape it in one of the journals I keep. I talk to him all the time. Sometimes mad, sometimes guilty, sometimes sorrowful, sometimes just sharing what went on in the day. We had huge storms here and they meant nothing, but before they would be good cuddle weather. I am living two narratives--what is happening, and what should be happening if Eric wasn't gone. I miss his laugh, and I imagine him laughing at some of the things that I tell about my day. We used to share our stories of what happened during our day at dinner, but now I just eat whatever I can find and then just sit--I cry on the way to work and on the way home. But mostly I just feel unshared love, so I am sharing that with him, my Eric, in letters and journals and talking. 

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The only time in my whole life I made "snow angels" was with George.  He was so full of life, so much zest, he loved every season, every holiday, it was like looking at the world through a child's wonder!

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