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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Lonely spouse

Lost of my husband best friend

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KMB   

Lonely spouse, God does not punish. The God I know is all loving. He knows our suffering here. He knows this life is not easy. Your Don was suffering. His life work was done and God showed mercy in His wisdom and called him home. Don graduated to Heaven before you. Our grieving is causing our suffering but we are meant to know sorrows besides the joys in order to know the difference and appreciate the lessons we are here to learn. Those of us left behind, still have lessons to learn and someday we'll be graduating to Heaven too.

I know you are in pain and have many questions as to the whys. We all do. We have to have faith and trust in God because He knows best in His plans for each of us.

Peace and comfort to you (HUGS)

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Francine   

Lonely spouse

1 hour ago, KMB said:

The God I know is all loving. He knows our suffering here. He knows this life is not easy. Your Don was suffering. His life work was done and God showed mercy in His wisdom and called him home. Don graduated to Heaven before you. Our grieving is causing our suffering but we are meant to know sorrows besides the joys in order to know the difference and appreciate the lessons we are here to learn.

KMB post once again is so penetrating and touches one heart; and her analogy of *graduated to Heaven* quote is spot on.    I think once we realize that God has our best interest at heart, we can accept anything that might come our way.  When a door closes, you don't know what God is saving you from.  After all, life is a gift from God. Our children, family, friends, neighbors, and strangers are all gifts to be savored. Although some days may be full of hardship and sadness, each breath, heartbeat, and thought illustrates the beautiful gift of life. Keep the positive memories alive and thank God for the blessings in your past, present, and future.  God bless and keep you; keep us all, safe.

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Lonely Spouse,As I read your posts My heart hurts with you and for you.Your marriage may have been young but the love was strong.I feel that.I pray you can get through the days,one at a time.And that you can cry and scream and rant and rave at God(He can take it)and get through this.I have lost many people I loved and while I haven't gotten over it,I am able to carry on ,knowing all things work together for the good to those who love God and are the called according to His mercy.Of course I see no good coming from this but I am not God.Trust the Lord.He loves as no Human can,totally selflessly.He is Love.The love for your husband,God gave it to you.And I don't think He took the love your husband and you had,He just ,as KMB said graduated him to Heaven.Your husband must have fulfilled the purpose he was here for.And y'alls love is safe in your heart and waiting in Heaven .I will be praying for you.I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age.I am sure the future is stretching out in front of you with no desire on your part to be in that future.But God has His plans and we have to trust.It's all He asks of us.Well to obey,of course,but we are all flawed.He knows this,He made us,flaws and all just the way He wants us.Jesus knows your pain.He felt the loss of a loved one as a human and He cried.It hurt,even him.May you find comfort.Look for it.He will give it to you as long as you need it and try to forget mean people.They are flawed also and God loves them too.But He will protect His children.and you sound like you are His child.Please be kind to yourself.There is nothing you did or didn't do to cause this.Again,I stress,be kind to yourself.Love in Christ,Ruthanne

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AceBasin   
9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

OThanks 4 the advice about the book. But I just don't think anyone can ever answer my questions. I guess I just have to realize that no one but God knows the answers. God knows if he was punishing me or not when he called Don home to him

Lonely Spouse, I can 100% promise you that God did not cause the death of your spouse to punish you.

You may occasionally hear a sermon (usually on an obscure cable channel) or read an article that makes those mistaken assertions. Often such people tend to take literally passages in the Old Testament that the authors of those texts intended to be allegorical or metaphorical, and the audiences understood them that way.

Theologians have grappled for millennia with the question of why bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Even though I studied those theories in depth at seminary, none of them made the death of my wife any easier to accept.

I do, however, have an unimpeachable source that says it is ok to feel angry at or forsaken by God.

According to the author of Matthew 27:46: “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

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Bobbers   

Same date I lost my husband at 4:32.  I'm so sorry.  People seems to act like know what's best especially when they haven't been through the same thing. People are trying to control my life half the time I get very angry and rude the other half I sit there confused. I don't have much advice, but it did make me feel better to know I'm not alone on this

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KayC   

Lonely Spouse,

I don't think of it as God taking them away so much as their bodies gave out.  This isn't a perfect world, that's for sure.  I think God probably cries at your pain.   (((hugs)))

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Lulu   
On 5/3/2017 at 3:12 PM, KMB said:

Lonely spouse, God does not punish. The God I know is all loving. He knows our suffering here. He knows this life is not easy. Your Don was suffering. His life work was done and God showed mercy in His wisdom and called him home. Don graduated to Heaven before you. Our grieving is causing our suffering but we are meant to know sorrows besides the joys in order to know the difference and appreciate the lessons we are here to learn. Those of us left behind, still have lessons to learn and someday we'll be graduating to Heaven too.

I know you are in pain and have many questions as to the whys. We all do. We have to have faith and trust in God because He knows best in His plans for each of us.

Peace and comfort to you (HUGS)

These words have been very comforting to me. Thank you for sharing. 

PS. I was trying to copy and paste them for a personal note to myself and I may have inadvertently flagged your post. Please excuse the error, dear. You're words have been so kind and helpful as I grieve my Lily.

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KMB   

Lulu, I'm thankful my words brought you comfort. It is one of the reasons for this forum. To bring us closer as a family with the common ground of loss. We are all connected spiritually. I just wish the people in our environment outside of this forum had more empathy and understanding of what we each are coping with. This world would be a more compassionate place of existence.Losing a loved one causes a person to be more humble and thoughtful.  (HUGS)

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I have been away from here just thought I could run away from the world. I  just can't handle the loneliness of  losing my hero and best friend my husband. And family and friends tell me to go on with my life. But it is like the best part of my life ended when he passed. I just feel like no one understands why I feel the way I do. Doesn't anyone know what TRUE love really is? How can u enjoy life when u lost ur true love? The person who was ur whole life. I just get so sick of family and friends telling MN e ok it been 2 months get over it stop talking to Don like he is here with u. I swear I want to slap them when they say that. They say they under how I feel but they don't.  I feel guilty if I laugh cause how can I be laughing or smiling  if I am grieving over Don?  I am no good at sharing emotions but I wi) share this I am heartbroken of the lost of my husband. And I am jealous when I have to go somewhere and see a couple holding hands.i think why do they still have their spouse and I don't it's not fair and it makes me want to go hide from everyone. I feel like I have been punished. Why did God have to take my husband.  Why didn't he take the mean people who hurts people?  Why take the good people?  

 

 

 

OThanks 4 the advice about the book. But I just don't think anyone can ever answer my questions. I guess I just have to realize that no one but God knows the answers. God knows if he was punishing me or not when he called Don home to him

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KMB   

Lonely spouse, The only one who can answer our questions is God. He will explain the plans He had for us, the sorrows we endured, when it is our turn to meet Him. God took Don to be with Him in Heaven. As much as we all want our significant others to be here with us, you wouldn't want your Don here still suffering. I noticed in your posts you mention God punishing you for taking Don. I'm sorry, I understand it is your feelings, but I do not agree we are being punished.  Is there some burden of guilt you feel that is causing you to think that way? If there is, forgive yourself for you did nothing wrong. We are only human and God forgives and will always love us.

I don't know why God takes the good people home. It is just their time. They fulfilled the plan that God had for them. Maybe God leaves the bad people to give them a chance to rectify their bad behavior.

The ones who tell you to get over it are the ones who have never lost a significant other. They have never experienced the pain, the loneliness, the complete devastation of life as one would know it. Ignore them at best. We need our family and friends in our life but maybe explain their choice of words are not really helping but hindering your healing. Encourage them to speak Don's name and talk about him. That will be the most helpful to you. There is nothing wrong with smiling and laughing while coping with your loss. Don would want to see you smile, laugh, continue living life. That is the best way we can honor their life.Please do not dwell about the day he left for Heaven. Remember his life and what he gave of himself, what he taught you. That is his legacy to you.   (HUGS)

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Eagle-96   
10 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I have been away from here just thought I could run away from the world. I  just can't handle the loneliness of  losing my hero and best friend my husband. And family and friends tell me to go on with my life. But it is like the best part of my life ended when he passed. I just feel like no one understands why I feel the way I do. Doesn't anyone know what TRUE love really is? How can u enjoy life when u lost ur true love? The person who was ur whole life. I just get so sick of family and friends telling MN e ok it been 2 months get over it stop talking to Don like he is here with u. I swear I want to slap them when they say that. They say they under how I feel but they don't.  I feel guilty if I laugh cause how can I be laughing or smiling  if I am grieving over Don?  I am no good at sharing emotions but I wi) share this I am heartbroken of the lost of my husband. And I am jealous when I have to go somewhere and see a couple holding hands.i think why do they still have their spouse and I don't it's not fair and it makes me want to go hide from everyone. I feel like I have been punished. Why did God have to take my husband.  Why didn't he take the mean people who hurts people?  Why take the good people?  

I struggled(and still do) with the notion of laughing or smiling. I even had a conversation with a close friend and said that I hope you don't think I am being inappropriate when I laugh. I was very conscious of how people would react if they saw me smile. I thought I was betraying Lori if I had a moment of happiness. But my friend told me it was ok. It was not bad to feel good every now and again. Lord knows we need all the happy we can get right now.

As many have said about the platitudes you are receiving from friends, 99% of the time they think they are helping when they say these things. Maybe they fearfully see themselves in your shoes someday and would like to think that they would "move on" or they would not "talk to him". Death brings about fear in people. When Don passed, it likely struck fear into their hearts about what they would do without their spouse. They imagine(that's the best word as they can never truly know the pain until they live it) what their life would be like and then throw out the cliches they think would be helpful. 

I sometimes wish there were a machine that you could put people into that would let them feel what it's like to lose a spouse for 24 hours. All of the despair, sorrow, regret, loneliness, fear, anxiety). At the end of the 24 hours they come out of the machine and their life is back to normal. If everyone REALLY knew what we go through it would make this journey a little easier. 

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KayC   
11 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

 I feel guilty if I laugh cause how can I be laughing or smiling  if I am grieving over Don?

It's important to give yourself permission to smile, that's part of the process of grief we need to reach.  It is not our mourning that binds us to them, it is our love, which continues.

Others don't understand because it's not them and they haven't been through it.  We do get it, we've been there, are there.  I still talk to my husband, and it's been 12 years.  Heaven help the person that tells me not to!

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Well it's been 3 months today sense God call my best friend my hero my guardian angel, my husband home. And I am still hurting and lonely. It is not getting easier. I keep trying to be strong but I fall weak. I told my husband  I would try to be strong but I also told him I couldn't promise him I would. I swear he was with me today or he heard me I was upset depre@ed and I just asked please give me a sign that u are with me I was listening to the radio and there was a song  that he would sing to me when I was depressed. It's so weird maybe it's just me with wishful thinking but when I asked please give me a sign u are still with me the song came on it cheered me up cause I could see Don seating next to me singing the song. I just wish I could find out who sings it and save it. It's played on K Love Christian station.i thought the band was mercy me but I am not sure cause Don had just gotten me into Christian music. I know the one lyrics hold ur head up is what Don always told me. 

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Eagle-96   
9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Well it's been 3 months today sense God call my best friend my hero my guardian angel, my husband home. And I am still hurting and lonely. It is not getting easier. I keep trying to be strong but I fall weak. I told my husband  I would try to be strong but I also told him I couldn't promise him I would. I swear he was with me today or he heard me I was upset depre@ed and I just asked please give me a sign that u are with me I was listening to the radio and there was a song  that he would sing to me when I was depressed. It's so weird maybe it's just me with wishful thinking but when I asked please give me a sign u are still with me the song came on it cheered me up cause I could see Don seating next to me singing the song. I just wish I could find out who sings it and save it. It's played on K Love Christian station.i thought the band was mercy me but I am not sure cause Don had just gotten me into Christian music. I know the one lyrics hold ur head up is what Don always told me. 

 

 

"All Right"
If you had a dime for every time it rained on this parade you're marching in called life You'd
start to wonder if someone out there's got your number well, hold your head up, breath in deep,
remember.

ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright.

We're gonna have those days when it all comes crashing in wondering if the sun will ever shine
before you go and convince yourself you cannot make it hold you head up, breath in deep,
remember.

[chorus]
ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright ooh ooh you know it's gonna be alright there's a love
much stronger than everything that holds you down right now sayin' ooh ooh you know it's gonna
be alright.

So next time when you tell yourself this isn't worth it hold you head up breathe in deep
remember. [back to chorus]

Count it pure joy when the world come crashin' hold your head up and keep on dancin'

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KayC   

You can always contact the radio station, they're good about emailing you with the link to the song.  Thanks, Eagle!

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Good evening everyone I haven't been  on here in a while. Just been so lost lonely and depressed.  Cause of the holidays coming and fathers day passed and Don wasn't here. I have had people tell me I n÷do to stop being so depressed he is in a better place. Yes I understand he isn't hurting any more. I am happy about that but I lost my h USB and best friend hero  ect my strenght.  I don't want to be on depression medicine. But I also want to know why people can't leave me alone and let me be depressed? They can tell me how 2 fill when they loose their loved one. I want to say thanks to everyone here 4 lunderstanding and letting me express how I feel.

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KayC   

I'm sorry, I am kind of outspoken and I'm afraid I would tell people they can tell me how to feel when they've been through it.  Not saying that's what you should do, just that's how I am.  My sister kept telling me I needed to move to Portland (I'm a country girl, not a city girl) and I kept trying to tell her that.  She harped and harped, I couldn't talk to her without her starting in on me.  Finally I said, "Tell you what, Polly, when your husband dies I'll tell YOU what to do."  She didn't speak to me for a few months but at least it was peaceful and I knew she'd get over it, after all, we are sisters, but she didn't carry on about that any more at least.  Blunt is the only way to get through to her, tact never works with her.

Have you considered having the doctor put you on a low dose antidepressant for a year or two?  It might be worth a talk, depends on how down you're feeling, only you can answer that.  Melatonin works for some, never did the trick for me.  Some people use aroma therapy too, lavender, I don't care for the scent but if you like it, it might elevate your mood a bit.  It still doesn't change anything, but then nothing does, there's only one way through grief and that's straight through it, tears, pain, and all.  It helps to know that we do eventually adjust and hone our coping skills.

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KMB   

Lonely spouse, This is such a cruel, lonely journey to be on. We don't have any choice but to keep on the best way we can for ourselves. It is hard enough to cope with our emotions, but to have people say their platitudes and tell us how to grieve, makes us feel worse. I've walked away from people or found my back bone in saying my opinions back. Largely depends on how well I know the other person.  What would help the most, is if people just gave us a hug, or a just a simple squeeze of the hand.

While depression can be a part of grieving, it is not healthy to stay in that state long term. Family and friends get concerned if you stay depressive for too long. It does show they love and care for you. KayC gave you some good advice in maybe seeing your doctor to see what he can prescribe. For myself, I didn't want chemical meds and I went the herbal route for awhile .I was dealing with constant anxiety attacks and spells of depression. I have evolved past the worst of it. Now, I only have the occasional bout of anxiety and a short depressive spell or so. It does require a lot of effort in working your way through grieving. We don't want to do it, but we do.

Please keep checking in and keeping us updated or if you need to vent, cry or whatever. We all care about each other here.  (HUGS)

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Wow it's funny u said Melatonin cause Don use to take it to help him sleep. I just hate 2 go to a Dr cause Don always went with me. I was never good at talking to people so he always did it 4 me. I am just scared if I tell a Dr I am grieving over Don they will judge me. I already feel like people are judging me 4 the way I feel I can't help it I cry everytime someone stars talking about Don. I feel guilty when I laugh when I have our dogs out and I am watching them playing. I feel like how can I be laughing when Don isn't hear 2 be laughing with me. I guess  I just don't know how I am suppose to be feeling.  I am just scared of getting hooked on depression medicine. Family keeps telling me I need to move on but how I can't move on without Don.

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KayC   

As I wrote in another thread today, I'm about ready to try anything/everything to help me, but I'm waiting three months until Medicare, my ins. is lousy, besides it'll give me time to change my mind or circumstances, and see if I still feel the same way.  Not something to go into lightly.

We don't "move on", we learn to do this life that we have now, and it takes much time and work to build a life we can live.  No quick or easy fixes!

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Well I just want to say Happy belated 4th of July to everyone. I just knew it was going to be one of those depressing days.1st one without Don. But actually he was still with me watching over and taking care of me just like he always did. Still being my hero even in heaven. You see I have had someone steal the 18 sticker off the car license so now every night when I park the car I take the license plate in the house. Well I 4 got 2 put the license back on the car and I drove most off the day without them. I know I went pass a few police officers but Thank God they never noticed. I know that was Don asking God to blind them till I made it home. That's was Don taking care of me and God giving me blessings. And showing me I am not alone like I thought I still have my 2 hero's God and Don with me . I knew Don had told me a few story's about how God had done stuff 4 me and now God is doing things for me by letting Don always be with me when I need him. I know people think I am nuts but I don't care cause God is the only person I have to please. Thank u Don 4 teaching me that.

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Eagle-96   
15 minutes ago, Lonely spouse said:

That's was Don taking care of me and God giving me blessings. And showing me I am not alone like I thought I still have my 2 hero's God and Don with me . I knew Don had told me a few story's about how God had done stuff 4 me and now God is doing things for me by letting Don always be with me when I need him. I know people think I am nuts but I don't care cause God is the only person I have to please. Thank u Don 4 teaching me that.

Rest assured, nobody on here thinks you're nuts. If anyone else says that then it's that they haven't experienced this. We all do things that may seem pretty crazy to outsiders but seem perfectly normal to us that walk this road. I talk to Lori every day and I feel a-ok with it. I still keep her side of the closet and bathroom untouched and find myself thinking that she made need her brush or a particular shirt. If I told my co-workers that, they would probably think I was out of my mind. But it doesn't seem too far out of the ordinary to me. I joke that she is still taking care of me now in that every close friend that I have are ones she introduced me to.

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KMB   

Lonely spouse and Eagle, I've had a few similar experiences that have shown me that my husband and God are looking out for me and I also talk to my husband and find comfort in that his belongings are the way he left them. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm losing my mind. They are not in my shoes and until they ever are, they will not understand how completely devastating loss of their significant other is. I wouldn't wish this kind of loss on anyone but I do wish people were more empathetic and understanding.

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Eagle-96   
48 minutes ago, KMB said:

Lonely spouse and Eagle, I've had a few similar experiences that have shown me that my husband and God are looking out for me and I also talk to my husband and find comfort in that his belongings are the way he left them. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm losing my mind. They are not in my shoes and until they ever are, they will not understand how completely devastating loss of their significant other is. I wouldn't wish this kind of loss on anyone but I do wish people were more empathetic and understanding.

That's where I am so conflicted. I want people to be more empathetic and understanding but I know the only path to that true knowledge is to experience the loss. Like you, I wouldn't wish that knowledge on anyone anywhere. Sadly, sympathy is a poor substitute for empathy. The line to cross from sympathy to empathy is razor thin but the knowledge gap is a wide as the grand canyon.

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KMB   
39 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

the knowledge gap is a wide as the grand canyon.

Unfortunately, that is so true. What we need and expect from others is usually the opposite. We are learning from our suffering.

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