Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Congratulations on 23 yrs Colleen. Do you have anything special planned?

Sorry about the TMI Greg...I do ramble on about things that are better left unsaid or at least said in private company.

I'm sure you'll be good helping in the Heart to Art camp, Dee. My grandkids enjoy the grief camp Hospice sponsors for children who have lost their parents.

Hope you all have a peaceful day.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Sue Good to see You I bet your little ones are ready for summer

Colleen Best wishes to you and Scott on your 23 rd anniversary It is a great achievement Celebrate. Stephen liked to shave his hair in the summer as well It looks good when you get use to it

CAROL Glad to see that you guys are doing well. So sweet of Damon to assure you that even if he changed his plans "He still loves you".

Sherry Sorry to hear about the nest I am sure a predator was the culprit I know you will find other little creatures to console you

Dee Great work supporting the camp and teaching the writing class The children are getting a winner!

My Eagle nest is now empty but the camera is following them about the farm and it is fun to see them on the roof and flying from place to place. I am upset as my little NYC HAWK Fledged yesterday and now all I have is an empty nest People are still blogging on the site and posting pictures of her. The park is within walking distance of my house so I am leaving now to see if I can find her.

Be gentle with yourselves Indigos

[daveydow1]

Colleen-& Scott.......--

HAPPY 23RD ANNIVERSARY !! WISHING YOU MANY MORE TO CELEBRATE.

YIKES----100 degrees. That's too hot for me !! It has been mild here w/ rain. Field

corn is growing in leaps & bounds, and will be "knee-high by the 4th of July".

Sus------It is so good that your household has an open dialog going on about

race, prejudices, famous African-Americans etc. The children will benefit from

the freedom to speak about how they feel, and will no doubt keep divisiveness

from being a problem. It is good in any household to have open conversations.

You are so wise to have this policy in your house.

Kathy-----I, too, love hearing about Tav's growing up. He's a handsome boy, and

looks so like sweet Jessica.

Dee----Your class sounds like it was so worthwhile to all. The Heart-To-Art Camp

would be so good for the sweet kids who have lost a parent, and the releasing of

white balloons in the park is a lovely touch.......one that they will always remember.

When my husband & I were in Chicago, we rode the EL train downtown from the

area of Loyola U. I was just amazed......never had ridden a train. So fun to take in

the Art Museum and all the parks....view the beautiful Lake Michigan. I hope to

return someday.

Carol------Sorry that you lost your best friend, Rita, who was a long-time friend. I, too,

lost a friend, Mag, several years ago. We had been friends since elementary school.

She was such a good person......(died of cancer). Thanks for Cathi's chicken pics.

I love chickens too, and remember when we had them when I was a kid. My fav was

a black Plymouth Barred that I called "Hickety Pickety" (from the poem). When in

Syracuse for my Niece's wedding, my brother showed us his 15 chicks (also black

Plymouth Barreds) . He just got them in May, and they are growing. Soon he will have

to transfer them to the shed from the brooder. This is his first venture in chickens,

and seems to be doing all the right things.

Betty-----We posted at the same time. How's the hawks & eagles doing? Our garden is

doing fairly well......have had some good gentle rains. No potatoes this year, though. We

planted, then had a wk. of 90 degree days.....only a few plants came up. When we went to

buy more seed potatoes, all the garden place were out of seed potatoes for the season.

Don't t have a lot to say today, for some reason......I know how it is to sit down to type a post,

and the words just don't come forth. Oh well, that's the way it goes.

PEACE & SERENITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Colleen-Happy anniversary! to you and Scott. I hope you have a good day tomorrow. Westley kept his head shaved most of the time, everytime he tried to grow it out, his head just got bigger and more square. We would tease him about it, but his hair was just like his Daddy's, coarse and thick. I miss running my hands over his head and feeling the hair prickle my fingers. I miss everything about him. Oh well, you know.

Dee-CJ is working for my husband as a carpenter. He's still having a hard time working out living arrangements and doesn't have a car. He has a lot of fines and things to pay and will be on probation for 3 years, and has to pay them all by the end of that time. But he's doing pretty well at work and I hope he can keep it up. And that my husband keeps enough work to be able to keep him on. At least he's learning a skill and earning some money.

Kathy-Loved the pictures of the garden and I smiled at the orb when I saw it. I know you miss those shopping excursions with your sweet girl.

Sherry-We always ate field corn when I was little, I liked it better than sweet corn really. My Daddy could grow anything and we always had corn and tomatoes, onions, peppers, green beans, squash, you name it.

Greg-Apologies in advance if I ever offer TMI.

Carol-Such great pictures of you and Rita. Here's to friendship that lasts. Damon is so funny, wanting to be sure you knew it was nothing personal. I hope Ralph is still doing okay.

Betty-Did you take your wallet and door key? Just kidding, I hope you find the hawk.

I have been slammed this week at work, trying to get caught up. It has flown by and I haven't been able to keep in touch with you all as much as I'd like. But know you are in my thoughts every day and your angels too.

[heartbeataway]

Congrats to Colleen & Scott on your anniversary! We actually had our 25th in April. Two days before Jay's memorial day. We just coasted on by .....

We decided to celebrate our anniversary on our Jan. 25th first date anniversary after he left. Somehow, it's just gotten lost .....

We laughed recently and thought, geez, 25 years, we probably should have done something special!

Well, our paperwork is in and there will be a "heart" meeting July 12th. If our children get their prospective parents reviewed, we will know if we are chosen to move forward with our adoption inquiry. We go from excited to scared silly in our thoughts. Just like we never thought we would have three pups, we really never imagined adding three children ..... mysterious ways is all I keep thinking.

Rich and I sent out for a late lunch/early dinner and boy did that make me feel lazy! I need to be doing a million other things but here I sit chatting with you guys.

Suz, I have a friend adopting a little bi-racial daughter. She was talking at lunch about this fabulous product she found to use on her hair. I'll get the name of it if it would help you. Just let me know.

Until later .......

[Brendan's Daddy]

Congrats Colleen on 23 years!!! I am really happy for you and Scott. Go out and enjoy that special day! I love that Aaron shaved his head. I made that decision about 3 years ago. Great move on my part. Very little maintenance, which saves a lot of time. Although I really didn't have a lot of choice. My hair was starting to thin so I decided not to fight it. I also think that you are a great person to talk to. I think you can really help that mother who lost her child.

Dee, I love that you are able to find time to volunteer. Michele and I talk about getting involved all the time. We have not gotten to that point yet, but I know we will get there.

Carol

Damon sounds great. I love how he made sure that you heard him say he loves you. Twice! It feels so good to be loved. I miss that love from Brendan so much.

It has been a rough week on my end. Just a lot going on. We are packing up the house and moving out a week from today. At noon today we started packing up Brendan's room. That was terrible. Michele, myself, my mom and mother in law were all in his room packing up his clothes. Everybody in tears. We just kept finding shirts and remembering him wearing them. I could only handle about 20 minutes of that before I had to go outside and take out my frustrations on a plastic lady bug sand box. Well, I should say it was a plastic lady bug sand box. I am not sure what it could be used for at this point other than recycling. After that I went to the cemetery. I was crying very hard and watching videos of Brendan on my phone. I was looking down to keep the glare off my phone when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It really scared me. It was a lady whom I have never met before. She just started talking to me and let me know that she lost both of her children. She lost her 13 year old son 10 years ago and her oldest child two years ago. She couldn't say much to ease my pain at that moment, but her attempt meant a lot to me. She told me she would be praying for me and that is all I can ask of anybody.

I found out more about the little boy who died in our sub-division on Father's Day. His name was James and he was 8 years old. Unfortunately it turns out that I know his father very well. His father grew up in my neighborhood so we hung out often. We even graduated high school together. I have not seem him for years, but my heart is aching for him. Today is the funeral for his little boy. I wish I could say that I can't imagine what he is feeling. Unfortunately I know exactly what he and his wife are feeling. I hope that one day I will be able to help him through this rough journey they are now on.

Well I have babbled on long enough. I just wanted to pop in and say hi. I still read often, I just find it tougher to write at times. Still think about and pray for all of you daily. CJ, haven't heard from you in quite some time. I hope your move went well.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[Guest msnher]

Bonnie - I would love the name of the product your friend uses. Gary and I spent a lot of money and energy fighting to get our grandchildren. Our purpose was clear...save them. Not getting them was not an option. The day the adoption was final we both looked at each other in shock and said, "Shoot, we gotta raise these kids!" Only we didn't say "shoot". Last night he and I discussed it and agreed we would do it all again. Good luck!

Tony - I can't imagine how difficult it was to pack Brendan's things. I'm glad the mother at the cemetery had the courage to reach out to you. What a sad coincidence that the father of the 8yr old who died is an old friend of yours. I am so sorry for both of you. How's Jackson doing? Any new dreams?

Gotta order dinner...Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----I agree,....the field corn is delicious for corn-on-the-cob. There

is a short window of time to pick it, because the kernals start to get hard

and milky, but in that window of picking ripeness.....just right.....as you say,

it is good. This is how my grandparents always picked it. You must have

had a great garden with all the veggies. We lived in the country, not far

from my grandparents, so we were there a lot, and I stayed a lot since my

aunt was only 4 yrs. older than me, and we had such great fun with horses,

cows, haymaking,( my grandfather used a team of horses....no tractor) gathering

eggs, etc. Our field corn is about 'knee-high'right now, so I will be checking for the

right time to pick the corn when the ears come out. YUM. Do you have a garden

at you place now? Those 'old-timers' did seem to be able to grow anything they planted, huh?

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

I found an appropriate poem that describes "normal" for us so I copied and pasted it here but all sorts of univited and inappropriate stuff popped into the poem so I deleted it. If I can find a better copy or get the energy to retype it, I will.

[ericasmom]

I had a glass of wine with dinner and am zonkered, feel asleep in my chair at 8:00, going to bed but will post in the morn. Until then, sleep well and dream sweetly.

Col and Scott, blessings on your 23rd and Bonnie and Rich, belated blessings on the 25th anniversary. Fingers are crossed on the three little ones.

Tony, you have a lot going on, one day, when you and Michele are much further from the weight of loss, you can reach out to others.

Peace

[mikesmum]

Well its about 6pm on a Saturday night and here I sit with two puppies. Steven has left Charley here with me for the weekend. Its been interesting. Last time she came (18 months ago)they couldn't be in the same house let alone in the same room. But I guess they have mellowed.

Colleen - No mean feat in this day and age making 23yrs ~ Congratulations! I guess watching Michelle and Aaron come into their own reflects that the 23yrs while seeming hard at times has been a successful 23yrs.

Dee - I love that you are able to touch more kids with your teaching through the summer, just remember to make some Dee time.

Carol - Hard enough to lose a friend let alone someone who has known you through all those years. Hope you enjoy 'memory making' with Damon...

Bonnie - Ahhh taking time to rest and recline...good thing to do. Hope the 'heart' meeting goes well. You are certainly someone who embraces 'family' in the truest sense.

Out walking with Charley thought I might visit the Labyrinth that was built by the community here in Healesville. As part of the fund raising for the project you could paint a tile and have it placed in the finished Labryinth. Here's mine.

The Labryinth dedicated to who perished in the Black Saturday Fires and the strength of those left behind to continue on.

Its another community market this weekend, this time closer to where Amanda and Harmony live. Might just take a wander...wish me luck.

Night Indigos.

[ericasmom]

Trud, love the whole idea of that labryinth and all it means to the folks there, and especially to you. I am glad that your work encourages others to walk the path of spiritual strengthening. I loved our time on the laybryinth, though tiny and not what we expected, being there with you and Bonnie, Colleen, Marcia, and Carol was one of the most spiritually healing times in my journey. Thank you for it, forever thank you.

I woke today saying, " what day is it, do I have to work...?" but ahhh, it is the gentle day of Saturday and no work, and no work other than some tutoring next week and some light volunteering the following week. So now I can have that freedom I so love and seem to need. I am bursting with the knowledge of sitting under the birch with the birds singing and flowers waving gently in the breeze.

I need to correct what I put in last evening when my eyelids were fluttering...Tony, you and your wife have already begun that process of reaching out with the playground and all the children benefiting from your generous hearts. The Erica-fund is like that, this workshop that I am volunteering with sounds so wonderful, and maybe next year I will have more time to give it than what I am giving. I sometimes stay on the outskirts of things so as not to give more time than I am mentally prepared to give. I am rather selfish with my free time so I am being cautious. Summer school was a paid job, paying quite well and if I had the motivation, I would work all 4 weeks of it but cannot muster the energy needed for such a job. Your family is undergoing a ton of change and I hope that in that , you are proud of the steps it has taken to do so. There is a lot of courage and faith and trust in your partner and love for your Jackson, to take the steps you are, and there is a lot of devotion to your Young Son to take these steps in his honor.

Sherry, your vegetables sound lovely, a big summer salad everyday kind of garden. Wonderful bounty.

Kathy, your pond photos are great and remind me what a great gardener you are.

Peace out all

[Guest msnher]

Good morning my beautiful Indigo Family!

I love the stained glass, Trudi. I am also impressed with your ability to use your energy to enlarge your creativity in the face of grief. I envy that and hope that the day will come when I not only think about what I want to do but am actually able to act upon it.

Fresh corn....yummy! Are you going to be canning a lot this year, Sherry?

Before I forget, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SCOTT AND COLLEEN!!

Well, I think I have Fibromyalgia. It might be all in my head which is what my opinion has been of fibromyalgia. However, I know I really feel the pain in my body. I thought it was from arthritis and expected it to lighten when the weather warmed but that has not been the case. If anything, with the moist spring/summer, it has worsened and spread. I have cursed myself for being such a baby and wondered what has made me fantasize into reality such physical discomfort. Yesterday as I read about the symptoms of fibromyalgia, however, I was able to identify with each one (symptom). Last night my dreams were haunted with close friends telling me fibromyalgia was an imaginary illness. Gary also read the same sites I was reading and agreed I do, indeed, have each symptom, but expressed concern because there is little that can be done about it. I told him I am just excited to be able to put a name on what ails me other than grief. It is said that fibromyalgia usually occurs after a traumatic event and occurs most commonly in women. I'm sort of kicking myself for being such a weakling. But, maybe my body just went on overload from Jan 2008 to June 2010. It all began in Jan 2008 with the grandkids being "stolen" by their father and his girlfriend and ended in June of 2010 when the adoption was final. In between those two dates my sister died, my mother died, we found the kids and began the legal battle in criminal court and civil court to convict their abusers, my daughter died, my son tried to kill himself, and the end of the legal battle for the kids...their dad losing his parental rights, girlfriend convicted and sent to prison and Gary and I allowing to adopt the kids.

I've never taken good care of my body/health anyway. Definitely put on the back burner during all that mess so it stands to reason my body would be screaming "Enough! Take that!" Natural consequences can sometimes be a B*****!

Well, going to try to take my imaginary disease to a doctor to get it confirmed this week...but in the meantime celebrate the fact my insanity might have a name.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andy88]

Good Morning Friends,

I hope today brings you a little ray of sunshine. Keeping each one of you in my heart every day. Not too much new here. I'm feeling a little better every day. A couple nights ago, I went through Andy's box of memories he kept. I was so touched. It was filled with every card, note, and letter his dad and I ever gave him. He really was such a soft-hearted and sentimental boy. It was one of the things I loved most about him. I found a poem I had written for him on his 18th birthday. There was a paragraph with a sweet memory for each year of his life, and each one ended with "And I thought to myself, it doesn't get any better than this." I cried and cried for the sweet memories, for the child lost, for the memories that will never be, but they were very healing tears. I've felt lately that he is so very happy and free from earthly cares, and it enables me to go on. If my boy is happy, that's the most important thing in the world to me.

Two things have helped me a lot...my blog and reaching out to kids in trouble. If I can save one other kid, I can go on, and it will be an additional legacy of love that Andy can leave in this world. I'm going to meet with a young girl who is starting down the wrong path of "it's just pot" and "I've only tried prescription drugs a couple of times". I want to tell her my and Andy's story and make her understand that there is no second chance in death and the trail of tears it would leave behind if she should die. I want her to know that it CAN happen to her. Please pray for me to be given the best possible words to share with her and for her to listen and hear.

I love you all. I read your posts each and every day, even if I don't write. Go forth in power and love today.

Pam

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone....sounds like a lot going on for everyone...anniversaries, moving days, visitors, all sorts of things. hope it all goes as well as it can for all. you have all been in my thoughts.

i think i have made a little progress in my grief. i was able to do some monogramming for the grands....and actually enjoyed doing it....now, that was an improvement from before. i did go out all by myself once this week....that is also improvement. may have cried some, but i still did it.

i always remember what mike said to you, carol....and somehow, those words ring true to what nathan would have said to me, although he didn't say it, i just know he would be saying it to me now. i am trying to see some good in the world around me....i am trying. there are still the good days and the bad days and the very bad days. fridays are still the very ugly days, and i hope that one day i can just ignore those days. but, for now, they sadden me and stifle my life completely.

this life is not an easy one in any sense of the word. every day is a trial and tribulation of some sort. tears don't just dry up, the heart does not just mend itself, and the brain does not just stop thinking of our precious angel. the sadness lingers on and we, somehow, have to learn how to live with all these emotions floating around in our hearts and souls. i don't know if i am truly 'living' yet, but i am trying to do something. i am out of bed on most days, and i say that is a step forward. after 5 months, it still seems like yesterday, and some days i think it is still a dream, a nightmare, and i really don't believe it, or don't want to believe it. the nightmares have calmed down some, at least they are not every night now. sleep is better, although i could still use a few more hours. i am trying to eat more, but the appetite is still not up to par. the weight is not where it should be....oh well, it will come later on.

i am trying to be there for my daughter who is due in 2 weeks...a new baby boy to love and care for. i hope this will bring me joy and i can really come out of this depression a little more.

i am planning a trip to ft. walton beach, fl. to see my oldest son, patrick and family....3 grands there, august 3-8....it will be hot and humid, but i think it will be a nice trip. i need to go and i need to show him he is loved also. it is hard for the kids, too, i know....they have lost a brother, and i know they need to know that mom has not forgotten about them. i never knew grief, this grief, could be so devastating on so many levels on so many people. i hate it, i don't want it, i didn't ask for it. i want out of it, and there is just no way to leave it behind. it is there, stuck in my memory banks forever, my heart and my soul are burdened down forever and will never be the same again. no matter what kind of face i put on the outside, the inside is still burning with pain and the tears are screaming to get out. does that make sense at all???

i think i am babbling on now.....better go, my hubby is taking me for a long drive and out to eat in another town so as not to run into anyone we know....he is so kind-hearted and loving and understanding...my rock.....don't know what i would do without him.....i am very fortunate to have him.

everyone have a good weekend and know that i am thinking of you and your precious angels.......love, diane

[dwsmithrn]

once again, i just want to say thank you for all the kind and encouraging words from all of you....i know i will move through this journey, ever so slowly, but i will keep moving, as i have you, my loving indigo friends, to keep me going. i know it will take time, and a lot of it, and i will hit some bumps and get a few bruises along the way, but as of today, i think i am going to make it. ask me on another day, and i might tell you something different. thank you for just being 'you'....i love the honesty you present for my future. i need to know what i am going to face, or not face....that is important for me to know. also, i love that you really do care....my heart needs to know that, also....so, to all of you, thanks....

have a wonderful w/e.....love, diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, so glad to hear you say that you feel that you are going to make it. Yes, we do understand that on a different day, you may feel otherwise, but it sounds as though you have experienced a spurt of growth in your grief travel, the kind that let you take a backward glance to see how far you have come. How nice that you spent time out of th ehouse by yourself, big steps my Dear. A trip sounds good for everyone involved, your Son and his family and for you. My thoughts for your continued forward movement. Oh, I do believe that Carol sharing what Mike said to her is one of the most healing and helpful quotes any of us can read.

Pam, how nice that you found the memory box. That poem to your Boy sounds lovely, he kept it because of what it meant to him. He is always and forever your Son. I am glad that you are able to reach out to others finding themselves doing some dangerous behaviors. What a good way for you to honor your Boy. He must be grinning on your actions.

Sus, many folks with fibro are told at first that it is all intheir heads...it isn't. I know a woman who has dealt with it for years, some days manageable and some days not. She stays pretty active in her work and hobbies, but goes to a pain doc and has acupuncture to help with pain. Our bodies were altered as the loss of all times hit our souls. I do believe that that is why Jon and Eri's dad had cancer, I think that the cells in his blood began to morph and change upon the news of ERi being hit by the train. We change, don't beat yourself up over having an illness if you do, it is not your fault, it certainly does not indicate being a wimp or anything else.

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS..IM HERE...SLEPT ALMOST ALL DAY YEST....WAS NOT WELL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER TODAY...KODY RACES TONIGHT IN NEW MOTOR SO HOPE WE DO WELL....THE TRACK HAS BEEN SOLD TO SOMEONE WITH ALOT OF JACK + $$ SO WE SEE WHERE THIS GOES...

JUST HEARD THERE WAS A SERIOUS WRECK 2 RDS DOWN FROM ME THAT I TAKE DAILY TO CEMETERY...CANT GET AHOLD OF BROOKE SO IM WORRIED....ALSO ON A POKER RUN A TIRE BLEW AND THE GIRL ON BACK GOT KILLED ...PRAYERS NEEDED FOR THESE FAMILIES....IM SURE BROOKE IS OK PROB SLEEPING,,,

[ericasmom]

Lorri, glad that you are on the mend. I am sending prayers to the families that are in the shock that we all know of. Prayers for them to feel the presence of their angels too.

Peace Lorr, happy safe racing.

[mikesmomrs]

Hi all: had my sister Barbara and her daughter and granddaughter here all day, so am jumping on to be sure to tell

Colleen and Scott....HAPPY ANNIVERSARY...23 years is nothing to sneeze at, and when you put into the mix all that you have been through these past couple of years, YOU ARE ONE STRONG, UNITED COUPLE...so congrats, congrats, and congrats again!!!

To everyone, I am so, so tired...spent all day yesterday and the day before cleaning, cleaning, cleaning...I swear sometimes it's a good thing i have company now and then...or my house would NEVER be clean! We wound up going out to eat, and talking, talking, talking.

We had a good visit, though, and a lot of memories shared. This is my next oldest sister, Barbara, who is 4 years older. We talked about how when I was 10 and she was 14, she got a pair of street skates for her birthday and because I didn't ahve any, she shared them with me...each of us, one skate on, the other foot pumping us forward...she said today that she should have thought of us holding hands and winding up with two feet with skates, skating along together, as one. We used to go down to a really smooth street in our neighborhood and make up all kinds of "shows" where we would make uup these elaborate skating routines.. all this with each of us having only one skate! My mom finally noticed that each of us was wearing out our left shoe something awful and finally fingured out why, so I wound up getting a new pair...and it wasn't even my birthday! Happy memories. On the way home, we drove by Mike's memorial site so they could see his stone and the Red Sox windsock we put there. My niece got down and cleaned all the grass away that grows around the edge of the stone, and we sat there a bit and shared. I told them of how the Red Sox windsock came about, and I also told them of how when we had the stone placed, the two guys that came to do the placement were wearing Red Sox jerseys...

Diane: So glad that you are making movement forward...your sadness will always be with you, and as you said, today you are okay, but don't ask tomorrow...you sweet memories of Nathan will eventually become stronger than the sadness, and you will find yourself one day looking back in amazement. We are here with you for that journey...I am so sorry for the reason you are here, but i am glad that you found us. You wil find joy in this new baby, you will.

Trudi: oh, I hope it went well if you went to the fair you mentioned. a glimpse of that beautiful sweet baby girl...a joyous vision to hold in your heart every day! I too loved the tile you did for Micheal at the memorial...so wonderful, and he likely was right over your shoulder as you wrote and painted. I hope that Mal is doing better and stronger each day. Enjoy your puppy-sitting!

Sus: oh, the "imaginary disease..." back when i was first diagnosed (I think it was around '94 or so), I had been having symptoms for 4-5 years. Back then it was NOT recognized, it WAS all in your head, always. I even worked for an orthopedic doctor for whom I did his transcription and very surprisingly had to transcribe some of his notes where he had seen a patient who told him that is what she thought she had. He was less than kind in his notes. I wound up having to change my arthritis doctor, because she didn't believe in it either. I have now had the same rheumatologist for the last 12 years or so. He does not "coddle" me but is very kind and understanding and believes that this is a true disease that needs attention and treatment. Now they even have a medication for it, though I haven't had to try it yet. I manage mostly by staying as active as I can, and using advil when the going gets tough. My biggest problems are waking up at night in tons of pain, but not for a long enough time to take anything. And yes, trauma has been noted to be a major initiator of this...when I started, I had just gone through a terrible fall that broke a couple of spinous processes in my back and had to stay down (and I mean, down...not up other than to use the bathroom) for almost 8 weeks. After that, it was a series of things over the next 4-5 years, and finally found a doctor in Boston who did the exam for it and diagnosed me. No internet back then...had to find out for yourself. I happened across an article written by the doc in Boston, and at the end of reading it, I was in tears...as you said, FINALLY, a reason! Finally, I realized that I was NOT crazy! While it didn't make the pain go away just to have a name on it, it did make it easier to deal with. And stress is its worst enemy...the paragraph you wrote of your stressors over the last couple of years is enough to break down a totally healthy person! My prayers go with you, dear friend, take care of yourself, rest, but stay as active as you can...it's kind of like arthritis...use it or lose it. Blessings to you.

Lorri: Good luck to Kody and glad you are feeling better.

Dee: I am so glad your extra work time is slowing down and you will be able to get some of that well-deserved free time...I hope you have a relaxing week, even though you've still a couple of things to do.

Pam: I love that you went through Andy's box and walked through so many memories...it sounds like th epoem you wrote to him was just wonderful...no wonder he kept it. It is tough sometimes to go through those memories, but they are our comfort, our breath. Andy is proud of your reaching out...and so are we.

Betty, Bonnie, Tony, CJ, Betsy, Sherry, Amy, and so many others who are part of our indigo family...sending love and strength to you all...holding you all close in my heart.

[aim630]

Happy 23rd Anniversary, Colleen and Scott!

It will be 21 yrs this Sept for Jeff and I. We did not feel like celebrating the 20th last Sept. My mom is going on vacation next week over my birthday and the 4th. She asked one of my brothers and his wife to go (they are visiting my cousins, one who I've not seen in 25 yrs), but did not ask me or my other brother to go. I know it is because she needs us to watch her 5 dogs. I couldn't have gone anyway, since my boss let 2 coworkers schedule their vacations at the same time, and I am their backup. it hurts my feelings that she did not even ask my daughter or I. She wants Katie to stay over th.ere so her dogs are not lonely. She did not understand that I really don't care if we celebrate my birthday or not. At least she did not ask my other brother either. Apparently Andy is the chosen one, not Nick or I.

Sorry, in a bad mood...just feel like crying over stupid stuff...had another dream of Ashley...hate waking up after those.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Carol it warmed my heart to hear about your visit with your sister That is exactly what happens when my sister and I see each other The rememories and giggler of days gone do surface and it is so wonderful to experience again.

Amy Good to see you and Diane again I understand about that sadness and not wanting to connect Glad you both posted because just coming here and doing what I could has enabled me to smile and connect in life once again.

Sherry listening to you and Rhonda talk about corn and growing things and gardens- it makes me want to live in the country It sounds so very wholesome

Dee How is your bike ride this weekend

Pam How touching to find Andy's treasures I too discovered that Stephen had saved all the notes and cards that I sent to him. I do hope your visit with the young person went well.

I did find my NYC Hawk in the Park the other day. She is flying high and living on roof tops Mom and Dad are with her and continuing feeding her on the roof The "Official Bird Watchers" say she has not visited a tree yet but what do you expect from a City bird!!

Today is a huge day in the City Gay Pride Parade, a colorful event was scheduled for this Sunday Now with the passage of the Gay marriage rights bill the parade has taken on huge significance The parade has floats and music and is great I will be heading there after church Should be a memorable experience

Have a safe Sunday

[shorty16]

WOW - Thanks my friends for the anniversary wishes. Our 20th anniversary was right after Brian's death. Spent that entire day in shock and crying. BUT yesterday, Scott and I went to Bradford Beach in Milw. I have lived here almost my entire life and have never been there. We had a great time. Michelle and her new Boyfriend, Michael were there also. We just visited with them and walked on. Scott and I love to see the samll things in life now - rounded rocks from the beating surf, shells in piles and foot prints in the sand.

We then went to the Brewer game. Many, Many Twin's fans - Brewers won 11 to 1. The Twins jerseys have TC on it. I did not know what that meant so I asked: Twin Cities.

Amy - Boy can I relate to the favorite son thing. My father's favorite son is his step-son. His 4th wife does not allow us in his house or his life. She is very jeleous of his time. My father goes along with it. Before Brian's death, that really bothered me. But after Brian's death - life came into perspective as far as that goes. I do not have room in my brain for my father or his 4th wife. He is the one missing out and he is the one who will have to answer to our Lord about his behavior. I send hugs to you.

Diane - I can hear it in your posts that are slowly but slowly trying to find your way in this new life. That is exactly what it is - a new life and it sucks. But, we have a choice. We can be in bed for the rest of our lives or we can find happiness no matter how small. I have also learned that I can choose who I tell about Brian's death and who I do not. I have that power and I have used it many times. I also choose who I tell how Brian died. Usually, I just say a car crash, others, I will tell them about car-surfing, the speed (68mph) and the driver being a felon - two lives destroyed because of teenage choices. You too will be able to take control of who you let into your life and who you do not. I have even lost some long-time friends, because they cannot or will not handle my pain. I wear an urn necklace containing a small amount of Brian's ashes. I told one of my good friends what it was and she said "GROSS!!" That is not gross to me, it is a bit of my boy close to my heart, but she could not or would not understand that. Needless to say, I have not seen her in a long time. Sending love my friend.

Bonnie - 25 years WOW!!! That too is an accomplishment, especially considering what we have been through. Great job my friend. We both found the love of our lives and plan on keeping them for as long as the Lord will allow.

Today we are going to our neighbor's daughter's graduation party. I have a hard time with graduations, Brian never got to. On Brian's graduation from HS, we were still in shock and cried the entire day. His name was announced, but we could not attend, just could not. Both boys involved in Brian's death were there. Mike was allowed out of jail to attend his graduation - I was pissed. Our neighbors are great to us and very good people. I will be strong for them.

Carol - Mike's Mom

Diane - Nathan's Mom

Amy - Ashley's Mom

Dee - Erica's Mom

Lorri Kourtney's Mom

Pam - Andy's Mom

Sussanah - Stephanie's Mom

Trudi - Mike's Mom

Sherry - David and Lisa's Mom

Tony - Brendan's Dad

Rhonda - Westley's Mom

Betty - Stephen's Mom

Bonnie - Jason's Mom

Marcia - Bethany's Mom

And many more.

I felt like saying their names - Love to you all

Colleen "Brain's Mom"

[ericasmom]

GAy Pride here in Chicago too, my nephew and his partner will proudly attend and enjoy all the freedom that they now have, celebrating NY decision to allow gay marriage. I wish that Illinois would follow suit. Took a nice ride yesterday Betty, pretty day. Then planted purple flowers in the window boxes, they will look pretty against the yellow when they grow a bit more.

ERI-fest is Saturday July 16th, so we are getting prepared.

Col, sounds like a great day you and Scott spent. Thanks for saying the names, such pretty names and pretty people.

Amy, sorry for the sad days and ffor the lack of empathy and attention from your Mom.

[heartbeataway]

GRRRRRRRR !!!

I keep losing my posts! Oh well, no time or energy to redo the whole thing again!

I'm attaching a picture of our "maybe" babies. I think they are adorable ...... at least to look at.

Colleen, glad you had a happy love anniversary. And thanks for saying our children's names out loud and in color!

Until later ...... and if this one gets lost, I will give up ....... at least for now!

[daveydow1]

I lost a lengthy post too.......ARGHHHHHH....... Now to start all over again.

Diane----Glad to hear that you are doing some monogramming again, and enjoying it. These

may seem like small steps, but to us....on this journey,, they can be big steps. Nathan would

be glad to see you enjoying things again.

Susannah----Sorry to hear of your fibromyalgia. I've read that many in the medical community

will say that it is "all up in your head", but how could that be, when the pain is very real. I hope

you can find a Dr. who will be able to help you.

Betty----Our garden is doing well now that the weather has moderated. We mulched the tomatoes

with straw today. Other stuff is coming along. Picked lettuce for supper yesterday. I do enjoy the

seasons in the country. It can be noisy/dusty in the spring when there's lots of machinery in the

fields.....prepping it for planting. Also, some of the fertilizers they use have a bad smell, but it calms

down with rain. Right now, it's pretty quiet since all the crops are in, and are just let go to do their

natural growing. Then there's some more dust when the harvesting time comes. After that, it's

done for another year, and things are very calm.

Amy----Sorry to hear that your feelings were hurt in the 'slighting' of you & Katie. I know that even

though others may not mean to hurt us, well,... it does hurt just the same. Sorry that happened.

Lorri-----Sending prayers for the accident victims. I do hope they were not seriously injured.

Pam----So kind of you to reach out to other kids who need a helping hand. Andy will be smiling down

on you.

Dee----I picked a little over a cup of black raspberries today. I put them in the freezer, and will save

the future pickings until I have enough to make a pie. this is the first year for the new plants to bear

fruit, so there are not a lot of berries at one time. When I read your post about planting the purple

flowers in the window boxes,.....I misread (with my old brain).......PEOPLE FLOWERS !! Well, I think

that when they grow up so pretty with the nice yellow background of your newly-painted house, they

will, indeed, be PEOPLE flowers. People will enjoy looking at them as they pass by.

Rhonda---Have you seen anymore foxes about? They are most likely drawn to the bunnies as prey.

Hope your messy birds decide to build their nests somewhere else.

Trudi----the Labrynth sounds so nice & inspirational.

Colleen----Thanks so much for posting the names, so colorfully, of all our kids. So kind. I so,

understand that grad parties are difficult for you & your husband & family. They are

bittersweet. Your are glad for the grad, but sad for the lost opportunity for your sweet Brian.

I better post this before something happens to it, and it's LOST again.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Bonnie----We posted at the same time. Thanks so much for the pics of the beautiful children.

Sherry

[dwsmithrn]

hi....hope you all had a nice w/e....we did go for that drive yesterday and it was nice....went to eat at a place out of town...sat outside...it wasn't too hot, so it was nice. i admit i was ready to get home, but i enjoyed being with hubby for a few hours away from home. i think we needed that time together and just away from 'memories', even though we always talk about nathan. it was just different in some ways. there are always tears and i can't stop them.

i thank all of you for your words of encouragement.... i think i am doing better in a lot of ways, and then i have a pitfall, but i think it is normal. it seems too early to expect myself to be 'back to normal'..whatever that is supposed to mean....i have no idea right now. i think i will have to go back to work very soon and i am still very nervous and anxious about that. but, it is about time and i will do what i have to do....i have good people to work with, that isn't the issue, it's the patients/parents that bother me. and my husband boss, that's the easy part.

hope tomorrow is a good day or i should say a better day for all......goodnight and take care of yourselves. diane

[ericasmom]

Sherry, you are a dear, thanks, I like people flowers. The black rasberries sound luscious, I can almost smell that pie baking.

Diane, my tears come whenever they want and I do not try to stop them, why bother. They are cleansing and they can't be stopped anyhow. So sometimes I am out in a nice restaurant or somewhere and they come for some little something reminds me of Eri in such a way...tears. It is fine with me, and if it is hard on others I just explain that I will always have these times.

Bonnie, the three Kiddos are beautiful, really preciously beautiful. Prayers.

[heartbeataway]

Diane,

I think I cried for two years straight! And like Dee, there are times that tears will come .......

Like last night when Rich came in from taking the pups out and was telling me how pretty the night sky was. He said something "cool" happened. He was admiring the sky and all of a sudden a firefly popped in the sky when he was looking. it startled him but he said I had to smile ...... it was cool. He didn't see it again nor did he see any others. I knew what he was thinking. I didn't cry persay but it did bring tears to my eyes.

And he would say to me when I would feel bad for getting upset ...... you have every right to cry. Diane, you have every right to cry, scream, throw things ...... whatever you need to do to express the grief you carry in your soul.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, that Rich, what a gem. He is so right, we do have every right to cry and really if our tears are any indication of our absolute forever love, then let them fall when they must.

I am looking out at the dark right now, fire flies are lighting up in little random yellow-green blurs. So many memories go along with them into the dark.

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

I have cried everyday since Toby's passing. It has been 86 days now. I always feel a bit better, more relaxed after I have cried hard. I am one of those people who have to know "why" all the time, so I did some reading on the topic and have found that crying is actually one of the ways the body tries to protect itself. There is a consensus that emotional tears produce endorphins and relieve stress. So, not only do we have a right to cry, we physically NEED to cry to feel better and to relieve stress. Here is one of the articles I read....

http://www.medicaresolutions.com/blog/index.php/2010/10/the-crying-game-does-shedding-tears-help-shed-stress/

I also found a list of other things that produce endorphins (I'll take all I can get at this stage) and although some of them are well known, like excercise, I found sunshine and light on the list which really works for me. I have been craving sitting in the sun and feeling the sun on my face.This is the list from the e-how website on how to release endorphins.

• Exercise
• Soothing music
• Spicy food
• Sunlight
• Healthy sex life
• Laughter
• Tears
• Sweets

Read more: How to Release Endorphins | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2063616_release-endorphins.html#ixzz1QRawg2EN

My son's Celebration of Life was held last weekend, and we had opportunities to hit almost all of the items on the list during this time together. It was a luncheon at a beach resort - so we had music and sweets, sunshine, tears and even some laughter. The day itself went really well, with most of our guests stating the event felt uplifting, and there was less sadness than anticipated. That was my goal, so I felt the day was good for everyone. The week following it has been tough - a bit slow now that all of the rush to get the details done are now complete. Our house is just too quiet. The void is still a big gaping hole...

I had a long three day weekend, and now am looking forward to the escape that comes with working. I hope everyone had a nice weekend - our first official weekend of the summer. It is finally sunny in So Cal - no June gloom today - mid 70's and lovely.

Peace,

Cheryl, Toby's Mom

[shorty16]

Indigos

I did not do very well at the graduation party yesterday. So glad it was only next door. People look at us and say "How are you doing" I smile and nod. Inside, I want to say "I am hating life right now, I am sad and want to scream and cry." But they do not want to hear that. I lasted about 1/2 hour. All I could take. Scott walked me home and then came back to the party by himself. He understands how I feel, but somehow he can handle it.

I am going to my area's Compassionate Friends meeting tonight. First time in a little under 3 years. I feel I can actually contribute to these meetings now instead of feeling torn, sad, and taking steps backward with the newbies.

There have been several car accidents in our area lately. I know what those parents feel and are going to feel for the rest of their lives. It just tears at my heart to know what they are up against.

Sorry, I am so down today, but it is just hard. Intact families all around us with no idea what we experience every day and some do not care to know.

A note on my Dad. Aaron went to my sister's house on Saturday and they had a bon fire. The next day, my Dad came over to my sis's and yelled at the kids for having fun. He looks at Aaron and said "Are you Dustin?" My Dad does not even know who his gradnchild is - how sad is that. He did the same to Brian 2 weeks before his was killed. I have no room in my brain for him. I cannot make room for him. He causes me too much pain. I have friends that I have never met that are closer to me than my own father. My Mother, who loved my kids, died 4 months before Brian. I feel like I am an orphan now. Sorry again for being so down, but just hard.

Love to my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

I know how you feel Col, orphaned in many ways as well. We have many sisters and brothers however, right here. Just cause someone is our mom or dad or sibling for that matter,does it mean that we are connected in anyway other than by birth. The people you choose to be with are the connections in this life that are meaningful and real. Col, you showed your support at the grad party, that was nice of you, and finding out if you can be of service to others through Compassionate will be a great way to direct your energy.

Cheryl, I am so happy to hear that your celebration day went well, the celebration of Toby's life. The quiet is overwhelming sometimes, I know. I hope that sunshine is more constant now and that you find your endorphins on the ready. I love articles such as that one, thanks so much. I have always believed fully that exercise and music are my mainstays. Peace to you.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - you are so much stronger than I. I'm impressed you even attempted to attend the graduation party. I also admire the restraint you showed by smiling and nodding when asked how you are. I would have probably smiled and said how much I hate life and I want to scream and cry if for no other reason than the shock effect.

Bonnie - Love the picture of your prospective children.

Cheryl - Thank you for posting the list to help with endorphins. I read it to my husband. Good news for him. It's only been recently that I am again able to listen to music. I have also found meditation to be quite helpful.

Diane - You are doing so well. Please continue to be gentle with yourself and don't get discouraged when the dark times come. I am so glad you have such a supportive husband (I do too). Going back to work was a salvation for several here. Sending you light and love.

Hugs to you, Dee, Sherry, Betty, Betsy, Lorri, Carol, Karen, Tony, CJ and all Indigos!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Bonnie-The kids look adorable, I agree. I can't remember how long you said the process takes that they will let you know one way or the other if you will get them? You are in my thoughts as you wait, and my fingers are crossed for you and Rich.

Colleen-It was hard when I went to graduation for CJ. Westley had encouraged him to get his GED, and I was proud of him and just had to push the thoughts of Westley's graduation out of my mind to keep it together. But I just went to the ceremony, not any of the after party. Sorry about your Dad and his rant. Hugs.

Cheryl-I'm glad the memorial was at least a little uplifting. It seemed like after we had picked out the marker, we had done all that we were ever really going to be able to do for Westley and the sadness was heavy, heavier than it had been when we had decisions to make and details to obsess over. I hope that work will provide some help for you as it has me. Your weather sounds beautiful. We are still getting a lot of rain for this time of year, but when its not raining, its 90+ degrees outside.

Diane-The tears still come at times for me, just out of the blue. Everybody's job is different and I think I mentioned that the only people I meet who usually always get to find out the reason for my sadness are medical professionals, so I can understand how your job would be so draining to try to handle. My job is fairly solitary, when I'm working best, I'm alone and don't have to deal with other people much. I'm glad your husband is so understanding not only at home, but at work.

Sherry-We saw the half grown fox on the side of the road again, but he's getting pretty big and hides. We have a few wild blackberries, my granddaughter had purple lips when my husband brought her back from visiting the blackberry bushes behind the house the other day. I heard them coming and he was saying that we brought some for Nana (me) and she said, well Nana probably won't want any. But when they got to me, she gave me two of the 10 or so in his hand and said they were for me. Then she ate the rest of them. She could live off the land! All of the mulberries are gone off the tree in the side yard, and she loves those. But the birds end up getting what's on the tree mostly and the rabbits eat what falls.

Dee, Amy, Lorri, Carol, Trudi, Sonya, Kathy, Tony, CJ, Greg, Betty, Betsy-Hugs to you all on this Monday morning. I hope that your day has some sunshine and your hearts hear the song of our angels.

[lolynbo]

WELL KODYS ROTOR BROKE IN THE PRACTICE TURN THATNK GOD IT DID IT THEN CUZ IF HE WAS UP TO SPEED CLD HAVE BEEN BAD....SO NEEDLESS TO SAY NOT A GOOD NIGHT FOR RACING.....

WENT TO TURNER FALLS YESTERDAY, A NATURAL FALLS DOWN THE ROAD NEVER BEEN, $12 TO GET IN AND SO CROWDED AND DIRTY U CLDNT PARK...NOT SAYING ANYTHING BUT FELT LIKE WE ACCIDENTLY CROSSED THE BOARDER...!!!

THEN WE WENT TO SULPHUR PARK WITH NATURAL SPRINGS, WAS FREE AND LOTS NICER VERY COLD WATER BUT VERY NICE...NOT CROWDED..

WENT TO CEMETERY AND AS IM LOOKING AT KOURTNEYS BEAUTIFUL FACE, IT HITS ME,,,,,SHES GONE THIS IS MY NEW LIFE.....TEARS FLOWEDL...STILL FLOWING...

[hotrod]

Cheryl Good to see you are posting and I am so glad that the Celebration of Toby's Life was successful I too had a celebration of Stephen's life and it was fitting.

Lorri sorry about the engine Glad it happend when it did Racing requires such dedication and hard work Good luck to Kody Stephen is riding shotgun!!!!

Bonnie The children are so beautiful I am praying for you to be selected !! They would be so fortunate

Rhonda Loved the story about your Grand daughter and the berries She knew Grandma only needed a few!!!

I agree with you and . Colleen It is hard celebrating another child's success . I know I try so very hard with family and friends but I ithen find myself retreating inward and begin remembering!!! I start to feel very sad and then I know it is time to go home

Sus, Betsy, Dee Carol, Trudi, Sherry and all Indigos please have a gentle day

[Guest msnher]

While driving this morning I passed a car and the woman looked just like Stephanie...hair, sun glasses, freckles and all. I slowed down to get beside her again just so I could look at her. I think it freaked her out. Blessed me. "She looks just like your mommy, Jonathon!" He looked away. Jordynn laughed at me and said "It's not Stephanie, Grandma." I told her I know that but it looks like her. Jonathon said, "No it doesn't" and turned his head away again. I drove on and didn't say anything about it. What makes one heart smile can make another heart sad.

[lolynbo]

YES BETTY, STEPHEN IS RIDING SHOTGUN AS WELL AS THE WHOLE CAR IS FULL OF SEVERAL PROTECTIVE ANGELS THAT LOVE TO RACE....THANK GOD THEY WERE WITH HIM... THANK YOU STEPHEN...LETS WIN

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

just in from a nice bike ride. It is a nice time of day to ride, mid afternoon, not much in the way of traffic and quiet. I rode to one of my favorite parks and looked around at the blossoms there in the three gardens. Much of the same flowers in our yard.

Went to the doctor today for my annual check up. Eight years ago, I went for my checkup on July 8th, I remember it being such a nice day, doctor told me everything looked good, she asked after ERi, having been her doctor as well, and the day just was one of those that felt happy right up until that call that told me that Erica had been in an accident. Today when Doctor Debbie asked how I was doing, I said that I have been extra anxious lately and she asked why I thought that was so. I did not know I was going to cry but I cried, and pretty hard too, about feeling kind of trapped here at home, wanting to go away for a vacation but when it comes to it, I don't want to be far from home. I am not stuck in the house, but more just afraid to be far right now. I feel so strange saying it, felt like I may need to go back to therapy to help me find ways to work through this strange feeling. I know that it has everything to do with losing ERi and being afraid to be too far from Jonathan/ and I think that if Jon's dad was still alive, I might be less agitated by leaving. Anyhow, Dr. Deb hugged me and told me that knowing what she knows of our issues, she understands it and sees why I am in this space right now. Good of her, and once I spoke it, it felt good as I was not sure where all my anxiety had been coming from. So, those tears we spoke about, sometimes just need to come whenever they do.

Lorri, so glad that Kody is okay, give him a hug from me. I am sure that my Girl was there to, trying to sit shot-gun because she always argued with Jon about that when they were young.

[lolynbo]

BIKE RIDE SOUNDS SO NICE BUT ITS 103' HERE AND FEELS 110'....LAYED OUT FOR HR WHICH IS ENOUGH RD HERE...

I BET KOURTNEY HAS HER HANDS FULL WITH EVERYONE RIDING WITH HER LIL BUBBA, CUZ SHE WLD HAVE TO RUN THE SHOW AND GET BESTEST SEAT..LOL

GRASS IS DYING AT THE CEMETERY WHICH MAKES IT VERY DEPRESSING...SO WE WILL WATER AND WATER AGAIN TONIGHT...FREAKING HOT HERE PPL

[daveydow1]

Cheryl----Good to see you posting. I'm glad that the Celebration of Toby's Life was successful. 86 Days

is such a short time on this rough road. I know I cried every day during that early period. I still cry.....just

not as often. Peace & prayers, friend.

Colleen-----I can understand that the grad party was very difficult for you. It was nice of you to go and

make an appearance, and I think most everyone would totally understand your need to return home.

This time of year can be so hard. I attended my niece's wedding last weekend, and felt that awful

ache......knowing that Dave would never be having a wedding. So hard,....I know.

Rhonda----How sweet of your little granddaughter to give you some of the blackberries. I bet she

enjoyed eating the rest. There used to be a mulberry tree in a pasture near our house when I was

growing up. You are right----they ripen quickly, and will fall off the tree.....onto the ground where all

the small animals will eat them. They have a great flavor, though,.....don't they?

Lorri----Wow !! 103 degrees. I would just melt, I think. Our weather has been moderate, and nice.

Dee----Your bike rides are so great. I must confess that I have never been very good at riding a bike.

(we rode horses & ponies when I was growing up.....dirt roads....not too good for bikes). My husband

laughs at me about not riding a bike well. He brags that he had a bike and used it ot work his paper route

with 158 customers, when he was 12 or 13 yrs. old. I just laugh and say......"Oh well....

Sus----Hope you found a Dr. that will help with your fibromyalgia. I know that sometimes it takes awhile

to find a good fit in a Dr. Some just don't want to deal with the patients.....(of all things). Anyhow....Good luck.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Toby'sMom]

Hello Everyone,

Sometimes I read and don't post anything - some days are like that - no words to express how I am feeling.

As suspected, today was a better day while at work and not obsessing over all of the "what could have been" "what should have been" etc. I think planning the memorial helped focus my energy in a positive way, and this last week following the event was tough. It feels like all of the things left to do for Toby are now done, and there is nothing left that I can do for him. No more physical things anyway. He'll always have my love. I am not looking forward to Friday - the 1st of the month, the third month, same day of the week and also a night with no moon.

This is the poem I chose for the last slide of the slide show with a desert sunset as the background:

Look for me when the tide is high

And the gulls are wheeling overhead

When the autumn wind sweeps the cloudy sky

And one by one the leaves are shed

Look for me when the trees are bare

And the stars are bright in the frosty sky

When the morning mist hangs on the air

And shorter darker days pass by.

I am there, where the river flows

And salmon leap to a silver moon

Where the insects hum and the tall grass grows

And sunlight warms the afternoon

I am there in the busy street

I take your hand in the city square

In the market place where the people meet

In your quiet room - I am there

I am the love you cannot see

And all I ask is - look for me

The weather actually changed the weekend of Toby's Celebration. I was so worried that it would be cloudy at the beach and the white balloons would not be able to be seen lifting into the sky. The clouds burned off and it was the last weekend with clouds. Southern Cal has had a particularly cool and cloudy June as well as a very wet year.

We have blackberries in our backyard - so many that we pick them, freeze them and my husband makes blackberry jam from them. The peaches are ripening as well.

I am rambling on, so I will sign off now.

Peaceful Dreams,

Cheryl - Toby's Mom

[ericasmom]

Cheryl, that poem is lovely, did you write it? So pretty. I do feel ERi in nature and have sensed her in crowded spaces as well. I am kind of turning in circles as I approach, we approach the 8th anniversary of her leaving.

Sherry, yes, the rides are somehow soul saving adn today my soul needed help. The ride provided some much needed quiet and listening to the beat of my heart. Finding the rhythms of my breath and the strength in my spirit. Sometimes I feel that the strength to stay in the moment is way beyond my grasp, at least recently. I need to get that back, work to get that back in my life.

Goodnight Sweet Ones

[Guest msnher]

I just finished watching "The Diary of Anne Frank". Although I am quite familiar with her story it is good for me to be reminded that compared to many my life's experiences have been miniscule.

[ericasmom]

Sus, you may want to read Number the STars with Mariah, with her as it is about two 10 year old girls in Copenhagen during the german occupation. It is by Lois Lowry. This is historical fiction and the two of you will love it.

[Guest msnher]

Dee, I bought it and downloaded it onto Kindle. I've only read a few paages but it is very familiar, I'm either having dejavu or I've read it before. I am taking the kids to the library either tomorrow or Wednesday and we will check out the book there...I need to start doing that regularly with them instead of always buying the book. When my kids were young we went to library twice a week during the summer. One time for books and the other time for story corner and a movie. Thanks for the recommendation!

[Toby'sMom]

Hello,

Dee: no, I did not write the poem - I should have noted that it is titled "I Am There" and it is by Iris Hesselden. We spent so many of our family vacations at lakes, at the beach and in the mountains. One of the things that I noticed when we were gathering pictures was that most of our pictures were at locations that were natural, picturesque places. I had only one or two "birthday" pictures out of hundreds of photos. Toby loved to take pictures, and he loved landscapes. He loved to fish and loved the natural world. I read a lot of things leading up to his Memorial and when I read this poem it felt right as a closing to the pictures we shared. We played an acoustic, instrumental version of The Rain Song (Led Zeppelin) to accompany the photos.

Another book I liked was Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay which is set in occupied France in the 1940's. I bought the first Kindle a couple of years ago which I just sold on ebay today! I have the newer version and have loved having a Kindle since the day I first opened the box. It is really the reader's ipod/mp3 player. I don't know what I would do without one now. There is nothing like a good novel to keep your mind busy.

Peace....

Cheryl - Toby's Mom

[ericasmom]

Cheryl, I do agree, I have to have a book adn when I am nearing the end of one, I must have another waiting in the wings. If not for books, I would not sleep much as they help rock me into someone's story and take me from my worries. I read mostly contemporary women. I don't think I will try a kindle, loving the texture of paper and the sound of pge turning but I am glad that you are enjoying it. Many friends of mine are as well.

Sus, a good book for Jonathan might be "The Stories Julian Tells", maybe for Jasmine too.