Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Goodnight Dearhearts

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello friends. It has been a while since my last post. So many things going on right now. It has been crazy. Thank you so much for all the Father's Day wishes. It was a really tough day for me. It just doesn't feel right to have to go to the cemetery to feel like your spending time with your son on Father's Day. I miss my Brendan so much. Well, we move out of our house into an apartment on July 1st. We purchased a lot in West Bend and close on that June 30th. We accepted an offer on our house and close on that July 15th. Things are actually starting to move a little bit, which is good I guess. Everything is just so bitter sweet. Nothing feels right without Brendan here.

More bad news for our subdivision. We heard sirens last night while eating dinner. Watching the news last night we saw that an 8 year old boy was killed while riding his bike. The little boy was from West Allis, WI and he was visiting family. I found out this morning that it happened right down the road from us in our subdivision. How terrible. I have lived in this subdivision my entire life and nothing bad has ever happened. Just a quiet peaceful place to live. Now in less than 7 months my little boy and another little boy have lost their lives. What a cruel world we live in. I am praying for this little boys parents as we all know what they are currently going through. I remember how I used to say "I can't even imagine what they are going through." Now I know exactly what they are going through.

Wishing you all the best. CJ I hope your move went smooth.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning Fellow Indigos,

I want to share something with you and ask a question ..... a question I hope you'll answer with your heart knowing I want honest advice and direction.

When Jay left I lost not only his physical presence in life but also my active role as "Mom" .....

I also lost my future roles as a mother-in-law, a "Nonni" and even my role as holiday diva and organizer and "goofy". So, we decided to foster children. We have and we find it rewarding and also extremely challenging but, the children eventually go away again. The goal of fostering is to reunite the children with their biological family. It's an honorable goal and we understand it. But, it's not filling the void that I need filled.

So, we just recently found and made an inquiry on not one, not two but THREE children. The three just happened we didn't seek it. But, Rich and I always talked about our ideal family being three children so we're not afraid of having three. This is not a foster placement, it's an adoption.

It's a boy who turned nine in February, a girl who will turn 8 in August and the baby girl who turned 6 in January.

Rich and I are in our 50's ........ have we lost our minds? Rich is on board but he has reservations about retiring and having three little ones to nurture through life.

We may not be chosen as the family for these children but I know my heart will suffer if we're not. I want a family and I want to share our life with children.

I know they are not taking Jay's place ...... he has a place in our life just as big as the place they will have.

Is it fair to the children to have adoptive parents that could be their grandparents?

Thanks guys!

Someone posted a song on FB yesterday called, "My Daddy's Hands". I have hands that are shaped like my Dad's and Jay had the same. Has anyone noticed traits like that in your physical being?

[shorty16]

Bonnie

Go for it!!

You have alot to give, do not worry about your age.

I have seen you with kids and you and Rich are both great. If Rich agrees, my opinion is that you do it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Thanks my Indigo friends

Never heard from Scotts 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Just another day to them. My Sister has been involved since Day 1.

We went to Arlington Horse Racing Park. We had a great time. The weather held out. I was astonished how 1.5 hours south could be a good 10 degrees warmer.

No worries on the kids becoming gambling addicts. Michelle won 1 dollar. Scott won 2 dollars and Aaron lost all his money. Our seats were trackside. We had a wonderful time.

My Indigo family came through for us.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Colleen and Lisa-I never got to get on yesterday but you were both in my thoughts.

As were all the Dads on here (directly and indirectly) I hope your Father's Day brought at least a little smile at a happy memory of your angels.

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

I haven't been around much, life has been keeping me busy.

Brian, Jaquell and Kourtney....you are missed and loved, may you shine on forever!

Brianna's second year angelversary is coming up in a couple weeks so I am lost in memories of her....was cleaning out a kitchen "junk" drawer this past week and found a picture of her but I didn't fall apart at the sight of it, I just smiled at her sweetness and chubby little face, how I loved to kiss those cheeks!

I have been dating a very sweet guy who has three young boys ages 11, 9 and 7. Long story made short: he went thru a very ugly divorce about four years ago, she left him and the boys, just a difficult time for all of them. The ex wife now has custody of the boys but they still spend a lot of time with dad. He warned me that the two younger boys would instantly attach to me and he was right My friends tell me I am crazy for starting all over when my youngest is 15, but I don't expect them to understand. I wasn't finished with being a mom when Brianna died, I had lots of mothering left to do. It just seems to me that a need is being filled for all of us. It's little things that these boys crave, a hug, sitting on my lap, trimming the youngest boy's fingernails LOL. All things I am happy to do, who knew that three little boys would be the salve my wounded heart needed

Bonnie--go for it! I completely understand about filling that void. No child could ever take Brianna's place, and I know she would be the first one to tell me to love the boys like my own and be there for them.

I miss my sweet little girl and everything about her. My life is moving in a direction that I couldn't have predicted two years ago when I lost her. I thought it was all over....but it was really only the beginning.

Love to you all

Jenn

[hotrod]

Good Afternoon Indigos

It is another beautiful day in NYC. I do hope everyone had a beautiful memory filled Father's Day. I did spend part of the day with my photo albums. Childhood pictures of myself and "Daddy"{ and then Stephen with His dad on father's day Sometimes it feels like it was all a dream and then sometimes I feels like only yesterday Time and memories are hard to measure. I am glad they are in my treasure chest!!!

Jenn Grand to hear you are taking care of you and moving in a positive direction

Lorri great pictures of the "racer" Stephen loved Nascar!!

Bonnie I do hope you are chosen. You would make a fantastic Mom and Rich would be the perfect Dad for these three little ones Praying for success

Sherry Thanks for the update on your little birds My nests are still full of jumping adolescent birds flapping away but none have taken the flight plunge yet.

Rhonda Carol, Sus, Dee, Betsy and all Indigos Have a beautiful day

[lolynbo]

BETTY MAYBE STEPHEN WAS RIDING SHOT GUN...

[ericasmom]

Bonnie Dear, the kids would be so very lucky to have you as their parents and while it would be very different, it would be very lovely. I wish you the very best outcome.

Col, so glad to hear that you had a good day.

Jenn, good to hear that your life is moving in a positive way.

Betty, sounds like a nice day.

Tony, hard as heck I know, but you are enacting change and those changes feel like the right things for you guys.

A family in Chicago lost their 5 year old on Fathers day yesterday, he fell into the harbor off the pier while walking with mom and dad and siblings, he dropped a toy and went in after it, he was under water for 20 minutes. The visibility factor caused him to not be found, 7 poeple all tried to save him, including his Father. My heart is crying for what they are going through today and from here on out. Prayers for them. Prayers for your neighbors Tony.

[lolynbo]

A family in Chicago lost their 5 year old on Fathers day yesterday, he fell into the harbor off the pier while walking with mom and dad and siblings, he dropped a toy and went in after it, he was under water for 20 minutes. The visibility factor caused him to not be found, 7 poeple all tried to save him, including his Father. My heart is crying for what they are going through today and from here on out. Prayers for them. Prayers for your neighbors Tony.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN????????

[westleysmom]

I'm so sorry to hear of the little boy near you Dee. I've been very sad because my cousin and his wife who were expecting a baby lost him last Friday. She had an ultrasound Thursday and they had a big family dinner out Thursday night to tell everyone that it was a boy. Friday morning she woke up in labor and since her water had broken, there was nothing to be done to stop it. She was only about 19 weeks, so he was very tiny and her mother made it here before he was born that night. They were so so happy, and the family was so excited. My cousin is the youngest in his family and they didn't think they could have kids, and then just got pregnant and then this. I don't understand the plan, don't understand why and how things happen like this. It made me very sad for him as this was the first father's day that he would have been celebrating and instead, he's bringing his heartbroken wife home from the hospital. Just don't understand.

Bonnie-I hope that it all works out for you, I know they would be very lucky to have you both for parents.

[aim630]

Bonnie-I think those kids would be very lucky to have you in their lives.

Colleen-Glad you guys had a good time yesterday. Sorry Scott's family didn't even acknowledge Brian's angel date. Glad your sister has been a good source of support for you.

Jenn-Glad you've met a nice guy, and have some little ones to share your love with. No one can take Brianna's place, but she would want you to help make those kids happy.

Dee-that is so sad about the little boy. I just don't get it. I used to wonder how these parents could go on after something like this. Now unfortunately we all know.

Spent a lot of time with Ashley's best friend yesterday. She was home from NYC which she now considers her home. She came to Katie's graduation party. She said she would like to be there more for Katie,but it makes her too sad because Ashley is not there. She said she would try to work on that.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

Karen-----Sorry to hear that Shawn's 'wife' is being so thoughtless and unkind on FB. I think

that you did the right thing by taking Shawn's FB page down. Sometimes I believe that there is

a fine line between "Spoiled Princess" and evil. David did not have a FB page......he died before

that got to be so very widespread.....he probably would have liked it, though, since he loved

computers and everything about them. He built his own before he died, and I used it for years

before it was done. I took the hard drive out of it before giving it away to another person who

was handy with computers.

Colleen---It's good that Brian's sister is the administrator of his FB page. wow.....582 friends !!

Lorri-----I see the slender angel in the lovely pic. Thanks for posting it.

Dee-----Such a peaceful time you had at ERi's grave. I believe that it helps to just sit & reflect on

all that our beloved children meant and still mean to us, and all the love we have for them. Glad that

the house painting job is finished, and the pale yellow is, indeed, a lovely backdrop for the flowers.

So sorry to hear of the little angel boy 5 yrs. old who fell off the pier and drowned. What a terrible

tragedy. My heart goes out to the family,......and prayers for his little white soul.

Carol-----Yay......Ralph's home from the hospital. I think he will do well at home, and I'm sure he is

glad to be home again. Peace & prayers, friend.

JAQUELL.........JAQUELL........JAQUELL......FLY HIGH WITH ALL THE ANGELS, AND SMILE

DOWN ON YOUR DEAR MOM.

Bonnie------So nice that you are going for the adoption of the three dear children. Good luck with it.

BRIAN.....BRIAN....BRIAN. Saying your name. COLLEEN---THINKING OF YOU, AND HOPE YOU HAD DEAR MEMORIES OF

YOUR SON YESTERDAY.

Betty----Glad that you got out the picture albums and opened your 'treasure chest of memories' of Stephen and his dad.

Sorry to say that the robin's nest is GONE......just GONE. Don't know what happened....probably some predator got

to the nest & the baby robins. I was going to take another pic of them to note their progress, and was shocked to find

that the nest/birds/ and all had disappeared. Can't think why the nest itself would be missing, but it is.

Peace to ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Baby robins.....just hatched.... last week. Now they're gone.

[Guest msnher]

I can't comment on the young lives lost. It hurts my heart too much.

Bonnie - There are days I am so tired and days I just want the house to stay cleaned for 10 minutes or days when I can't believe we are raising three young children at our age. Kids...they're loud, they're needy, they cry over the silliest things, they fight over the dumbest things (whether Justin Bieber really kissed Hanna Montana, for example) If one gets sick, they all get sick. Hormone city. Power struggles. Gone are the days Gary and I can just drop whatever we're doing and go dancing or sneak away for a romantic weekend. Heck, we're too tired anyway. And laundry! OMG it's always laundry! And, get this...they expect to be fed...at least three times a day.

Your life will never the the same but I can tell you it will be more important than anything else you might be doing. Would we do it again? Absolutely yes...no question about it.

Prayers!

[ericasmom]

Sorry Sus, don't mean to hurt an already hurting heart, I don't bring too many of these tragedies to our forum, and living in Chicago area, there are many stories each week, heck sometimes each day, but this one just tugs and yanks at my heart, and I figured the more prayers for the family, the better.

Lorri, don't know how, really the family was attentive, but as one man said through tears, this was the hardest thing he can ever think of and if the children were wearing life jackets while on the pier, this would not have been a news story.

Sherry, that is odd about the nest. I wonder if the raccoons could have gotten to it? Oh, the house is definitely not pale yellow, in fact it is bright! I swear I will post a photo in a day or two.

Rhonda, my niece lost one soon after ERi died. She was further along and had to deliver him. They knew he was not alive and so she pictured her baby and imagined her handing him to ERi's outstretched arms. Eri brought him close to her and smiled and flew off. She was able to have two more healthy children after she lost her first.

I will send my hope via prayer.

Going to bed,

love ya all

[Guest msnher]

No, no, no Dee! You don't worry about that at all. Please continue to bring those things to this forum. This is where they belong. I didn't want to seem like I was just tossing such heartbreaking news aside by not saying anything at all so I let you all know the tragedy is too horrible to be able to say anything at all. My first thought was, I hope their parents find support, even us.

Trudi - My heart skipped a beat when I read that Stephen saw Harmony. I'm so sorry she was packed away quickly. Someday, my friend...someday. I believe!

[ericasmom]

Sus, I sure would never think of you tossing aside anyone's issues, not ever. No, I really don't bring many here for the protection of our already broken places. It is too much for us sometimes, not always, but sometimes, to inhale another family tragedy. THose here, well, we need to talk about our lives, we need to invite each others losses to our lives, it is why we are here/ silly girl, you have a huge heart, I would never think it would not accept a life or a death. Have a good day, back to work today and yesterday went really well. Just took a bike ride and now I am powered up!

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Sherry I am so sorry about your little bird nest It certainly is disappointing. I do hope that you take the time to enjoy the rest of the beauty that surrounds you out there.

Dee Bright Yellow was the color of Stephen's race car It was beautiful I am sure your house is too.

Bonnie Please keep us up to date on the decision

As of this AM the adolescent birds are still home waiting to be feed and flapping away Have to run

Be well

[Guest msnher]

I told 6yr old Jonathon he could play the wii game if he could figure out how to hook it up and turn it on. Too frustrating for me to even try.

He and his cousin Jordynn are now loud, laughing and playing wii.

Jonathon: "I figured out how to do it, Grandma, because I'm smart! I just had to believe in myself and then I did it without any help."

Yes, Bonnie, it's worth it...

[mikesmomrs]

Just "stopping by" to say hello and tell you all to have a good day today...it is beautiful here and we are taking advantage of it by an outing to pizza hut for the kids (Jamie and Damon today) and then off to the beach for a bit. Today is supposed to be the warmest of the week, so we are heading out. Ralph will just sit on the bench, in the shade; we aren't planning to stay for much over an hour. Will try to get some pics. Love you all...

Carol

PS: Bonnie: It of course has to be a decision for you and Rich, but it sounds as if you have researched it well (as far as your feelings and why you are doing it) and it certainly does sound as if you and Rich are meant to have children around you...I know these children will benefit greatly from being with both of you...their lives will be enriched and so will yours, of course. I will keep you in my prayers, as always. love you, Carol

[dwsmithrn]

hi my indigo family....today is 5 months since nathan left me....5 whole months, yet it seems like yesterday in my heart. how do you tell your heart to feel better....one book says to celebrate his life, not his death.....but his death is the sadness that i will never see him again, never hug him again, never get to say i love you again, never see his beautiful smile again. how do i go on? i try...i do, but my heart still aches with so much pain and anquish......father's day was so hard on jim. he did the same thing i did, kept waiting for that phone call from nathan....of course, it never came. to see his tears makes glad and sad. so glad he can express to me what he is feeling and help us both grieve together, but sad he feels what i do. we did go to a cookout at my daughter's house and it was ok. i was able to put on that pretend face and go with it, but as soon as i get in the car, the sobbing begins. there is just so long i can hold it back. OMG i miss my son.....how in hell do i live in this hell for the rest of my days...if they are numbered, i hope they are not long.

i hope all of you got through your 'dates' of your precious, precious angels and felt them next to you giving you all the love they could to comfort you in some small way. i know it must be difficult. i sure hope they helped you through the day. i was thinking of all of you and holding your hands.

bonnie, i think it is awesome that you are planning to adopt those children. how lucky for them and for you. you must be a special person.

i thank all of you for your special words, encouragement, poems, songs, pictures that keep me going. even though i don't get here everyday, i know you are here and i know you care....and that, my friends, is the best medicine for my broken, shattered heart.

love to all.....diane

[ericasmom]

Hi Guys,

just a quick hello from the computer lab at the summer program I am working. Diane, I really remember 5 months, oh boy do I. I am happy that you are able to get out and put the pretend face on, it isn't fun I know, but it moves you along on the path and being with other loved ones is good for everyone.

Peace-

Carol, have a blast at the beach, tell Ralph that I am so happy that he is getting better.

Peace and joy,

[shorty16]

Diane - I too remember 5 months. The physical pain, the complete lack of concentration and the longing to hold my boy. This time in your grief journey is really hard. I can remember living literally one breath at a time.

Hang on friend - it does get a bit easier.

Love to you

Colleen

[shorty16]

Hello to my Indigo pals,

Scott and I are discussing running away again for Christmas. I know Christmas is 7 months away, but I am a perpetual planner - (Diane, I lost the ability to plan after Brian died, just did not care about anything - but I did get that skill back and you will too)

Even though we cannot afford another Miami Beach trip, the Packers are playing the Bears on Christmas day - Has anyone ever eaten bear meat???? I hope a few of you laughed.

Aaron is graduating in 2012 also. Hard to believe that my baby will be 18 on 11-17-2011. Even harder to believe he has lived longer than his older brother ever did. I am sooo scared for Aaron to get his drivers lisence. I know that Aaron is not Brian, but Aaron is a teenage boy - enough said!!!

Michelle starts her new job today as Manager for Spencer Gifts in Mayfair Mall. Michelle is our go-get-her child. Nothing stands in that girls way!!! She is still suffering over Brian's death, but has learned to function and function well. In a very strange way, I think Brian's death will help her to be a better nurse. She will know how to handle and what to say to those that may lose a loved one. She showed that when her friend Ellie lost her Mom just a month ago. Michelle was with Ellie the entire way when others could not handle Ellie's pain - Boy can we relate to our friends and even family abandoning us when we need them most.

Scott survived Sunday by being with his family. He was very quiet and with many heavy sighs. I tried my best to bring some joy into the day and I think I may have succeeded. We all went to Illinois to Arlington Horse Races. The weather was nice and we had fun.

Love to all my friends. Without you, I would be a blob in the corner.

I just love you, man!!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Betty-----I went out to the large azalea bush where the robins' nest was, and

looked for the nest. In amongst the tangle of branches, down at the bottom,

was the empty nest. Maybe mom robin will lay another group of eggs.....if so,

I hope she makes her nest up a lot higher,......but even at that, if the culprit

was a raccoon, they are able to climb high too. Last night, the owls back in the

woods were having a real get-together......hooting up a storm...great to hear them.

Diane----The 5 mo. mark is so so painful, I know. And, as you say,----it can

seem like only yesterday that our tragedy happened. Take good care of

yourself...and be kind to yourself, so as to keep your strength up. Peace & prayers, friend.

Dee----Oh---I must have misunderstood about the shade of yellow for your house.

The flowers must look lovely with the bright yellow backdrop to set them off so well.

We just got back from Syracuse, NY Sunday. Were there for my niece's wedding....she's

a teacher....age 26. Lovely outdoor wedding with an 'artsy' feel/theme. Different

from the traditional wedding with "Here Comes the Bride", and all. It was simple, yet

elegant, is how I would describe it. The newlyweds are off to Napa Valley, California for

their honeymoon.

Don't have much to say today.......just sitting back a bit. PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS .

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Good Morning Indigos. Its the first day of Winter. I am living vicariously through you stories of sunshine, beaches and warmer day.

I remember that 'early mark' in my journey. I had just found this site and connected with those who had gone before. As Colleen says, the physical pain, the inability to concentrate on anything other than wanting to hold my boy together with utter disbelief that my son could be gone pinned me down unable somedays to breath.

Watching our surving children 'outlive' 'outgrow' the ones we lost is something I never thought of. Hit me first when Melissa turned 31, Mikes age when he died. Then without warning Steven turned 31 and the order of things continued to be turned upside down and inside out.

Another milestone, I have completed 1 year of Calligraphy! I am now no longer a beginner. My next term made up of a project and script of my own choosing. Since Melissa is aiming to marry in 2012 I am working on a piece that will be made into a book for her. It will (I hope) be linked to invitations, place cards for the day...practice practice practice.

Am putting formal study on hold. Marks for 1st semester still aren't in and I guess I need to have that feedback before I continue...but you know 'that's okay'.

The snowbells have broken ground here. A large patch I think I planted 5 or so years ago. The daffodils and jonquils shouldn't be too far off.

Well the sun is up, hiding behind the 'snow clouds' that are surrounding the hills behind us so I best get to walking his Lord, Sir MD.

Take care Inigos

[ericasmom]

Bear meat Hu? I am not laughing! Really I am, Col, it is a fun thought to see them play one another, but even the word Christmas makes me shudder. I know you plan though, and I am glad that you are enjoying that aspect of your life again. Go Michelle. HOpe she has fun in her job.

Sherry, I think the yellow for our house is that of buttercups, kind of glows-it is a warm bright butter. I swear I will post photos when I am done with this class, too busy to download anything. SO glad that you got away and had a fun time at your niece's wedding. It sounds like a lovely time. I like the less formal aspect of many weddings we have attended. Fun.

Tony and C. J. how are you this week?

Trudi really? flowers as you welcome the first day of winter?

Rhonda, Sonya, Lynn, Amy, Crystal, Crystal, Crystal, Carrie, Elaine, Lori, how are you all doing?

Sleep well folks

[mikesmomrs]

Remembering back to the 5 month mark, or thereabouts, brings to mind a time of total disbelief...disbelief then, and disbelief now..."then" it was that it couldn't have happened, that there was no way I was never going to see our son again on this earth...painful, heartbreaking, making it so that sometimes I wished I knew how to stop breathing. "Now" it is painful, heartbreaking to think of, but my life has formed a cocoon for me...one that has allowed me the time to grieve, to come to the realization that whether I want to stop breathing or not, it is not going to happen...I will not stop breathing until I am supposed to. I look back at some of the things I wrote then, and am astounded that things have actually changed, that I can breathe now, that I WANT to breathe now, and each day is rewarded with the bits and pieces of life that God has given to me, the opportunity to remember the memories that I have stored in my heart, and the opportunity to create new ones...maybe not with Mike here, but with Mike by us, always, giving us strength, Diane: this will come to you, it will, we promise...the time element is different for everyone, but you will one day look back and see how many steps you have taken, and they will be many.

A lot of those memories are incorporated into new ones...ones we make with his children, with our remaining children and their children. Today we went to York Beach, in Maine. This was a very favorite place of Mike's...we moved there when he was 10, when we came home from Italy, but only lived there for one year, when we moved over to New Hampshire, where we built our new home and lived in it for almost 20 years. We went back to York Beach every summer. As Mike got older, there were many times he was not there with us, but when he was, it was joy, pure joy. Today was joy. Damon had such a good time, and so did Jamie. They rolled around in that water like fish, coming up with the waves, going under them, jumping over them, yelling, laughing, mesmerized by the oncoming waves, over and over...the water was cold, but they didn't care...the warmth of their joy held them in it. I remembered one of the last times that Mike was there. We had his two boys (Damon was not born yet), Kim was there with her two girls, and Cathi was there with Jamie. It was a day filled with fun and joy...waves upon waves to jump into, over, and under. Waves to ride into shore, over and over. I have a pic of Mike teaching Kam to ride the waves...Kam is on his back, Mike is spluttering water out from his mouth, just having gone through a wave...Kam is clinging to his daddy's back, likely his heart is racing, but he is having fun with his daddy. I know that Mike was there with us today...Damon saw three blue punch buggies on the way to the beach and his punch buggy "color" is blue. When we got there, I could feel Mike around us, knowing that he was jumping those waves right along with his little one. Joy. Pure joy. This sense of joy lingered with us all the way home, the smell of the salt water still on our skin, the sand still between our toes. The weary smiles of Jamie and Damon, the fun of the day slowly winding down, their eyes drooping in the warmth of the car, remembering. Joy. Pure joy.

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: It hardly seems like a year since you began your calligraphy...you really made a committment to it and stuck it out...I am sure that Michelle's book will be beautiful, loved and treasured. I like Dee, must ask too...jonquils blooming at the beginning of winter...here they bloom in early spring...

Diane: Holding you close, dear friend, as you travel these roads with us...may you find a place to stop and catch your breath, find your heart stilled with the peace of a beautiful memory...one that holds you close in its simpleness, yet lines your heart with love. You are making progress, little steps, little steps, you are, though you may not see it, you are.

Rhonda: So sorry about your cousin and his wife's loss...yes, it is difficult to understand, isn't it...

Sherry: Yes, I hope the robins build their nest a little higher next time...than k you for sharing the pics you did have. I too am glad that you got to go to your niece's wedding...what a nice time of year to have it.

Dee: Yes, can't wait to see the pics of your beautiful house, but we know that you are busy, so we can wait. Jamie had his first appointment with his summer math tutor today (after the beach) and he said she is really nice and that he likes her. I still wish that Ms. Conmy was sitting across from him...

Colleen: Yay for Michelle with her new job...whether your family goes away again at Christmas or not, you know that Brian will be with all of you, whereever you are. If you feel more comfortable being somewhere else, then that is where you should be. Cold football games are not exactly my cup of tea, but I have shivered at many an early spring or late October, cold game of baseball!

Sus: Jonathan is a joy...makes those hurdles we have to overcome, just a little bit lower...you are doing such a good job with these kids, Susannah, and they will show this to the world as they grow.

By the way, Ralph didn't go to the beach with us today, we figured it was probably not a good idea for him to be out in the sun while taking these two strong antibiotics, and is just finishing up the prednisone. Davis went with us instead, though he did not go into the water...he used his time to sit on the towel and "girl watch" and there was plenty of that to do!

Finally going to bed...actually early for me, though. Salt water air tends to bring about the tiredness necessary for an early bedtime.

sending love to all our Indigos...keeping you in my prayers, as well.

[Guest msnher]

I still have no words. Where the hell did they go? I read your posts and want to respond and end up deleting everything I write. What's up with that!? I want to congratulate Trudi on completing her calligraphy class, say something wise to Rhonda about "the plan" and all the "whys", I want to tell Amy how good it is to see Ashley's face, tell Colleen to go to Miami for Christmas and yes - I've tasted bear meat (even though I knew she what she meant). I want to tell Betty how much I enjoy her trips to the ballet and opera, tell Dee how much I admire the beauty she sees in the world. I would tell Sherry I look forward to her posts, tell Karen I'm thinking of her (always), let Leah, Crystal, Sharon and those we haven't seen in a while that I miss them and pray for them every day. I would tell Tony and CJ I wonder how their move is coming...how did they do packing up their child's things...oh my, that had to be hard. I would tell Carol I love the way she writes and am so thankful she posts pictures.

Too many words perhaps. They all get jumbled in my head. I forget posts I want to respond to and even now, at 22 months - scrolling down or opening another window is just too much work. Diane - I don't remember much at the five month mark. I remember the four month mark because I came here and went to the doctor to get medication. After that time just kind of blended all together. I'm not sure how that happened because I counted the days, weeks and months. Looking back it seems so long ago...a distant memory, yet I don't allow myself to dwell in it's shadow too long for fear I'll not be able to escape.

Also thinking of Beth both Lorri and Lori...Lisa, Pam...there are just too many of us.

Mind is wandering, find myself sitting here with my fingers on the keys as minutes pass...

I don't think I'm in a dark place I'm just in a place. It's not uncomfortable (perhaps because I've become accustomed to it). I'm in a "moving on" place yet stuck in neutral, whatever that means. Not moving on from you all, moving on from the pain of grief. Hmmm....that feels familiar. Whenever that has happened in the past it means a major melt down is on its way. Shrug...what will be will be.

Love you all, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Good Morning my Indigo friends,

Yesterday we have some storms that knocked power out in our area. We still had power, but 18,000 did not. I, personally love storms. But I have never been harmed by them either.

Dee - Hope you are able to enjoy your summer even though you are working? How is your flower garden in your yard? With the rain, ours is going crazy. Our red sunflowers are about 1 feet high now. No blooms yet, but I cannot wait to see them. The daisies have blooms and are ready to burst. The iris's are gone now and so are the lillies of the valley. Our coneflowers are also up and do have small blooms. The Clematis is bursting with blooms. So much so that it pulled the lattice right off the side of the house.

Trudi you calligrapher you!!! How cool is that!! We all know you did great in school!! Daffadils in the beginning of winter? WOW - I would be very confused down under. Hope you can enjoy some down-time between classes and let the thought of your Micheal and our angels bring you a bit of sunshine on your face.

Carol, sorry Ralph did not make it to the beach in Maine, but so glad you can find joy in what you and Mike used to do. I am not at that point yet - too painful. I try to do things that we have never done before. Then I cannot compare. Brian used to go to Wirth Park alot. They have an outdoor skateboard park and a really nice outdoor pool. I cannot even drive into the park without my heart breaking. Some day

Sherry - Sorry about the Robin's nest. We have a Robin's nest in our front tree about 4 feet from our front door. There are 4 babies in there and they are bursting out of the nest. So funny to see that everyday they get bigger. I do not think they will fledge, they will just fall out for lack of room!!! We have a wren that sings to us every day. They must have a nest close by. They do not harrass us when out side; therefore, the nest must be in the back yard. Last year a wren nested in our front bush and would yell at me constantly. I mean YELL!!!! It really got quite anoying. It is suprising how a small bird can make such a big noise.

Be kind to your self today my friends. Find some rays of sun through the fog. Send a kiss skyward, many angels will catch it!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and Ever.

[lolynbo]

IM HERE JUST BEING QUIET....WOKE UP YEST TO TAKE ELLE TO VET SHE HAD 103 FEVER AND UPPER RESP INFEC.....I GO TO MY DOC LATER IN THE DAY, CUZ I STILL HAVE LIL COUGH, HE SAYS I SD GOOD JUST WANTED CHEST XRAY TO BE SURE SO I GO TO HOSP TO HAVE THAT DONE, AND THE ADMITTING CLERK SAYS "ON HERE IT SAYS NEXT OF KIN IS KOURTNEY CARGAL 580-504-0811?".......SO I TELL HER KOURTNEYS NOW BEEN GONE 3 YRS ...SHE SAYS SHE SORRY...

THEN DOC PRECRIBES ME BREATHING TREATMENTS 2 TIMES A DAY AND COUGH SYRUP YUK......SO DID FIRST BREATHING TRTMENT LAST NIGHT...COUGH SYRUP SUPOSE TO MAKE U SLEEP I WAS AWAKE TIL 1230...

59 DAYS TIL OUR CRUISE CANT WAIT SOOOOOO READY....

HOPE ALL IS WELL....RALPHIE HOW ARE YOU MY MAN?

[westleysmom]

Lorri-Hope the medicine works magic and you feel better soon. I went to the eye dr last week and he asked me how my family was as he did the eye exam. I answered in a roundabout way. Westley had been going there since he got glasses when he was 12 or so. When he finished the exam, I asked him if he knew that Westley had died. And then of course started crying. I told him I didn't bring it up before because I didn't want to cry during the eye exam, but it was the first time I'd been there since it happened and I wanted to be sure he knew. Medical professionals always get the true confessions with me, it seems like. My mammogram tech was the last victim. She was very kind, and I wasn't sorry I told her.

Carol-Very good pictures of joyous days at the beach, old and new. I hope Ralph is feeling much better,

Colleen-I'm trying not to think about Christmas much. I think the biggest part of last year was spent dreading the holidays, which were the last times we had Westley with us. I like storms too, but have never had much storm damage. But I understand so many people have and why they would be afraid of them. Saturday and Sunday mornings we had storms and when my husband went to the field in the back that is on a hill, he said the biggest poplar tree back there looked like it had exploded. I guess lightning struck it during one of the storms.

Sherry-We have a bird's nest in our carport that we tore down a few weeks ago and they built back. I'm not sure what kind of bird they are, but they make such a big mess. We waited til there weren't any babies before we tore it down, but now they've built again.We have lots of bunnies in the yard and yesterday on the way home, we saw a half grown red fox. My husband had seen it when it was smaller at the same place, but I didn't get to see it until last night. He saw one in the yard a few weeks ago.. I can't remember how long it had been before that since we saw a red fox and I'm not sure why we're seeing so many now. Maybe they're coming to eat the bunnies in the yard? As long as they don't eat my cat, who also eats bunnies if he can catch them.

Susannah-Sometimes I don't think there's a plan, and sometimes I think the plan sucks. I go back and forth. Good for Jonathan for figuring it out. I'm tech-challenged.

Dee-The class is just one week, right? I hope that its going well and you will have a chance to catch your breath when its over.

Diane-Hold on. One breath at a time is all we have to do. Sometimes its all we can handle. Hugs

We've been having rain almost every day after a month or two of being really dry. Its feast or famine on the rain around here. Trying to keep busy to keep my mind from going to the dark place that draws me in from time to time. I think of you all every day and wish you strength to get through your days.

[daveydow1]

Trudi-----Your calligraphy is so nice---I love the look of finely executed calligraphy, and

it fits so well with wedding invitations, writings, etc. I, so , know what you mean about

having others in the family pass the 31 yrs. mark. David had only one younger sibling,---

Rebecca. She has passed the 31 yr. mark now, and it does seem 'strange'. The other

siblings were all older than Dave, (including Lisa), since he was next to the last one.

I know that it is just 'time' marching on, of course, but I can't help feeling that everything

and everyone is passing Davey, and that he is being pushed further & further back into

the past. Hard to grasp sometimes, isn't it?

Dee----Speaking of weddings. Yes, I agree----the new, less formal weddings are just lovely.

My niece's wedding was outside, and the weather was perfect......warm, but nice breezes.

The site where the chairs were set up, and the vows took place was in an art park which

overlooked the foothills in the distance. Nice live soft guitar selections made the music.

At the front, was a sculpture made of many lengths of driftwood formed into a pyramid

shape. Lovely multicolor ribbons were attached to the tops of the driftwood, and they

waved in the breezes. It was built by my brother.....father of the bride. I had never been

to a wedding like this, and found it to be just lovely.

Carol-----Thanks for the pics. Your outing to York Beach with Damon, Jamie, and Davis

sounds divine. Does a person's soul good to get out close to nature, I think. I do know

what you mean about looking back at some of the writings you made shortly after your

dear Mike left this world. I have done the same thing. As you say.......we sort of form a

cocoon around ourselves, naturally, to allow us to grieve.....and we do gain strength over

time. Of course, we still grieve our loss....but perhaps in a softer way. Never easy though.

Colleen----I hope your little robins will survive and learn to fly. They are so vulnerable as

hatchlings---(even as eggs), since there are so many predators. I , too, like a thunderstorm---

one like we had last night.......just gentle rolling thunder,....not a lot of lightning (mostly heat lightning),

and then regular raining.....not violent. It seems peaceful to me. Don't like the bad storms like

you had there in Wisc. with power outages etc. Hope it clears up there.

Lorri-----Hope you are feeling better now. 59 days til the cruise !!!! That will be so nice.....you

will be busy in the wks. leading up to the cruise. Always painful when some agency/office etc.

refers to the beloved child who left this world. Shortly after Davey passed, a young girl came

to the door asking for David. I had to tell her that he was no longer with us.......hard to do......had

a lump in my throat. She was a church person who had visited previously, and had talked to

Dave. Take care, friend.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Susannah: "I still have no words. Where the hell did they go? I read your posts and want to respond and end up deleting everything I write. What's up with that!? I want to congratulate Trudi on completing her calligraphy class, say something wise to Rhonda about "the plan" and all the "whys", I want to tell Amy how good it is to see Ashley's face, tell Colleen to go to Miami for Christmas and yes - I've tasted bear meat (even though I knew she what she meant). I want to tell Betty how much I enjoy her trips to the ballet and opera, tell Dee how much I admire the beauty she sees in the world. I would tell Sherry I look forward to her posts, tell Karen I'm thinking of her (always), let Leah, Crystal, Sharon and those we haven't seen in a while that I miss them and pray for them every day. I would tell Tony and CJ I wonder how their move is coming...how did they do packing up their child's things...oh my, that had to be hard. I would tell Carol I love the way she writes and am so thankful she posts pictures." You just did, quite eloquently, and (something I can't seem to be) succinctly. Your words comfort us all. Always. (By the way, I am glad you enjoy the pics...I do like to post them...and thanks for your kind words about my writing.)

Lorri: I do hope your meds work soon...being sick is no fun, and being sick in the hot weather sucks even more.

Sherry: I wish I could see your place...it sounds wonderful.

Rhonda: Glad to hear that you are getting rain...just hope you don't get more than you need So, how did the dentist react to your telling him about West? I hope he was kind.

Colleen: I know that whatever you decide about Christmas will be what your heart tells you.

[mikesmomrs]

Cathi finally has her chicken coop set up and is in love with her chickens...seen clearly by this video she made...also, in th pic attached below the video, you can see this "desire to be a chicken rancher began early...(click on the chicken and it will take you to the video...)

[westleysmom]

Carol-He was very nice, my sister used to work for him and he was sticken that he didn't know about it and was very sympathetic. My brother has chickens, but a few weeks ago, he went outside during the middle of the day and there was a coyote out there and four of his chickens were gone. Kind of spooky that one would be so close to the house in the daylight, but he lives way out in the country.

[mikesmum]

I don't think I'm in a dark place I'm just in a place. It's not uncomfortable (perhaps because I've become accustomed to it).

Sometimes when I post I want to find the words that will 'make it all better'. Still searching for those. To remember names and faces like I used to now that would be something.

I think Sus your words ring so true. "Im just in a place". It may be a precursor to a 'meltdown' but just being sometimes is enough.

I revisit places I knew Mike went, where he might be. Its just like the words, I'm looking for a place, looking for him to make it all better.

It is an milestone having been in Calligraphy for one day a week for a year. The only other time I have been committed to something like that is for the 4yrs weekly, or fortnightly, seeing my psych.

Calligraphy has allowed me to calm my mind for that time where I need to focus on the flow of my pen not the rantings of my brain.

I know its early, but the first snowbell stands proudly in the sun today surrounded by the green shoots of the upcoming 'bulb' display. While this morning is cold, the sky is blue, the sun is warm and I am in need of a coffee.

Baby steps, something I always told my kids when the task seemed insurmountable...baby steps..

[summergirl]

Suz - "sitting here finding my fingers on the keys, mind wandering" - wow, exactly how I feel....so many words and no way to get them from my head to my fingers....yes, perhaps "another stage on this journey of grief"....sigh

I have been very busy but coming here and reading, not posting......busy with Tavian, work, the yard, pond, every day life....I feel sometimes as though I get up and the day is a repeat of the day before.....so today I took the day off from work and went on a shopping spree....took my Jessica along for the ride - I could see her in the passenger seat with the visor down checking herself out in the mirror and then talking about all that we would do for the day....The way we used to do it....go get our nails done, shop for SHOES of course, stop for dinner and then head home, a happy momma / daughter day......we always went on Thursday, every other week.....how I miss those moments but what beautiful memories I have....

Talked to my dad on Father's Day, was hard as he is starting to "forget" things but it was good to talk to him. He is doing much better. My sister however is now seeing a therapist as she just has had too much on her shoulders for too long.....we talked for about an hour last night and it was good. I am planning a trip out with Tavian in September since mom and dad are both doing better.....

I am so out of touch with everyone here but you are always in my heart and prayers....the day will come when I will return to all of you, my family, my friends, my saviors....

I will try to post some pics of "Jessica's Garden".......I have not planted the colorful flowers yet so it is still mostly green but that is ok... I took the pics tonight and as I was looking at them there was an "orb" in one of the pics....took my breath away....love to all, Kathy

The "orb" is in 2nd pic.....my girl

[ericasmom]

Carol, love the photo of Cathi with the chicken and her more recent continuation of her love of chickens. Fabulous. Will she have fresh eggs? Fun stuff. Did you end up going to the beach yesterday? Now, after the extreme heat, we are chilling down into the 50's tonight, and not going above 65 tomorrow. Yikes, the temp flux is a bit much for ones body, though I much prefer the 60's to the 90's. The air conditioning was out yesterday up on the 3rd floor of an almost 100 year old catholic college. Boy were we hot. But the writing is great, the kids are fun to be with and we have done some nice work together. Two more days. I am pooped, ready for more free time and grateful for this time too.

Cathy, Susannah, sometimes there is simply nothing that comes forth that adequately states your state of being. We all go through that. Thanks Sus, my seeing beauty all around is my saving grace. I agree, Carol's writing flows like a river.

Lorri, feel better, the cough hangs on for so many from this darn virus. How is puppy?

Storms yesterday Col, trees uprooted and branches every which way. Glad you are okay, that was very intense.

Rhonda, we have had more rain than necessary and we are glad taht you are getting some. I hope that you are able to keep yourself in a place you are comfortable within your own skin. How is CJ>is that the young man's name that you visited while he was being held for a time?

Trudi, one class at a time, calligraphy next, and then if you are in the mood for it, psychology classes again. No rush right?

[lolynbo]

Puppy Elle is great t u for asking. 100 mph

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: Glad you are enjoying your class with the kids...though that high temp in the classroom would do me in. Our trip to the beach went great...Ralph didn't go though...Davis went instead. I posted some pics in my earlier post that I took at the beach, as well as some from earlier trips to the same beach.

Lorri: Glad your pup is better, and hope the same is happening to you, also.

Kathy: Loved the pics of Jessica's garden...thanks so much for sharing. I am glad that you got to talk with your dad and that both he and your mom are doing better. I am sure you and Tavian will enjoy your trip to visit them in September.

Rhonda: I am so happy that the dentist was kind and considerate when you told him of Westley's being gone. My daughter Cathi has a mixed lab, who she calls a "wolf in sheep's clothing" around her chickens!

Tomorrow is the birthday of my best friend, Rita, who passed away from cancer just two years after Mike died...I miss her so much. She touched so many lives, and gave them all reason to remember her. She was a gift to the world. A pic of us at a school picnic in 1962...our junior year, acting crazy. We met in our freshman year...49 years before she passed.

take care all...my sis and her daughter and granddaughter are coming to visit on Saturday...oh no, why do they always come when the place is a disaster! Time to get out the baskets for storing stuff out of the way

love to all my indigo friends,

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - That's it exactly! So many words but I can't get them from my head to my fingertips. About Jessica's garden, I misread the word "planted" and thought you said you had not "painted" the colorful flowers yet. My mind went right to Trudi's calligraphy and thought maybe you were going to paint the garden wall or something. Apparently, I can't read, either.

Okay....I'm SO excited! I just found (by accident) a whole slew of you tube videos of black women teaching how to take care of black hair! Two years and it never occurred to me to check out youtube. I think there are 10 black people in all of Casper - maybe all of Wyoming...so there isn't a lot of information out there. I've gathered some info over the last two years but basically I'm still as ignorant as they come. Mariah is light skin and blue eyed but her features and her hair is definitely african american/puerto rican! She has beautiful features although she is maturing physically much faster than Grandma is comfortable with. Hormone city. She needs to wear a bra and I've bought them for her but she hates wearing them so I don't push it unless what she's wearing is too revealing. She's thicker than Jasmine by about 75 pounds but she is at least a foot taller too. I watched them walk to class today and thought how no one would ever guess they have the same mother. Jasmine has shown and spoken her jealousy when we talk race in our house. We talk freely about slavery and how when I was a little girl Jonathon and Mariah wouldn't have been able to drink from the same water fountain as me or Jasmine. We've talked about always standing up for what's right and never judging anyone by the color of their skin but instead by their actions and character. So Jonathon and Mariah were quite proud as we researched and read about some famous black people...Oprah...President Obama...Nelson Mendella...and Maya Angalou...etc. We talked about Martin Luther King and the civil right's movement and the declaration of independence and how we're still a long way from it becoming truth to all Americans. My point...Jasmine listened with interest and with pouty lips wanted to know what she was. She was happy to find out she was "caucasion"...much better than just being white.

Well...anyway, I'm happy to have found some information, step by step information, on how to take care of Mariah's hair. I shave Jonathon's so his is easy.

That's all...love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Carol - I have always wanted chickens. I do not know why, but I think they are cool. Where we currently live, I do not think we could have chickens and my neighbors would not be too appreciative either. Tell Cathi I have chicken-envy!!!

Sus - So glad you have found some help on working with your grandchildren's hair. We used to have an Afican-American couple who lived by us and she would comment how she had to drive to Milwaukee to get her hair done, because no one around here knew how to do it. I guess I never knew their hair had to be handled different. Never thought of it. What a grandma you are.

Dee - Yet another night of rain here in the Cheese-head state. The temperature is hovering around 70. Wondering when summer will start? But like I posted before, our flowers are Loving it!!! How is Jon doing with his back? We have not heard lately. Hope he is doing well and the pain is going away.

Kathy - We all know you are busy being a grandma-mom to Tavian. I do really love hearing about him growing up. A little piece of your girl. Also, you are getting ready for camping - right? And hubby fixed the camper so you can enjoy the great outdoors!! We used to camp when the kids were little. Aaron ate more dirt than food I think. Aaron was still in a walker when we camped. In a way, I miss those days, but also know those days had alot of work, not just the fun times.

Well my friends - Aaron has been bringing home his writting assignments for us to review prior to handing them in. That is an improvement and we are proud of him for doing this. As we all know, we are not immune from lossing another child; therefore, I am always on high alert when AJ is not home. I do not worry about Michelle too much, she has a good head on her shoulders.

I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday. My company's Human Resources department called me, left a message to call them back right away - never good when that happens. This time, the manager stated that someone she knew had recently lost a child and asked what help I received and from whom. I was thrilled to help. I told her about us, Steven's Ministry, Compassionate friends and than gave her my phone number. She would not tell me who it was, but did tell me the child committed suicide. Brian did not commit suicide, but did have a hand in his own death. I am so happy they come to me for help. I am willing to help anyone try to get through this.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[briansdad]

You know I come here and read some of the posts and all I can say is TMI j/k

Colleen I'm sure you will be able to help the lady who's son took his life. So many of our situations are different but the pain is still the same. It SUCKS!!

I wish I could carry all the newly bereaved through the early grief but it seems like if you don't walk through it, it just catches up to you later.

GREG

BRIAN's DAD

[mikesmomrs]

WOW! Slow board today...is everyone on vacay? Just popping in to say hello and tell everyone I am thinking of you. Sharing a bit of joy: Damon is supposed to come tomorrow for the day (since he's on school break, he is supposed to come here on Wed and Fri, all day), but his mother called tonight to tell us that he won't be here tomorrow, that he wants to go to his other grandmother's house tomorrow. I could hear him in the background saying "But tell them I still love them." Apparently, there is a new toy coming by Fed Ex and is being delivered tomorrow..."ah, I said jokingly, "we are second best to a new toy?" Damon didn't hear me say that, but before she hung up, he called out again, "tell them that I still love them!"

Colleen: I too am sure that you will be able to help the woman at your work who recently lost her son. The "reason" or "way" in which we lose our child is of little consequence, the result is the same---they are gone, our hearts are broken forevermore, and we are redirected to a new way of living. I think that the human resource person who called you must think a lot of you to ask you to help.

Sus: I love that you found a way to help Mariah with her hair..."a bad hair day" is difficult, especially when you are in puberty...who wants to add that to all the other stuff going on?! You are so special to take the time and make the effort to meet the individual needs of each of these beautiful babes. And to bring up the topics such as race so that they will all understand and be kind and not see those lines drawn by others. They are blessed to have you in their lives...I know that they return that blessing to you multiple times in multiple ways.

To all my indigo family---I hope you are having a good evening, and a better tomorrow. love to you all.

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, yes a slow message day. I taught all day and then popped on a train to downtown to a meeting for the volunteers for the Heart to Art camp. I will give just a bit of time to this wonderful organization, but maybe next summer I will be able to give more, who knows? It is a well run organization helping kids who lost a parent. They are an performing arts camp, two weeks in the heart of downtown at Roosevelt University. The woman who runs it is the program really knows her stuff. This program serves about 45 kids in each of two sessions. One starts July 5th, the other starts July 18. I will serve some time in the first group, it may be serving lemonade, it may be just making sure all the kids are in the right spot. Little things. Maybe if they need to take on a teacher next year to help with the lessons involved in putting on a production? At the end of the two weeks, the kids all write notes to their parent and attach them to balloons, (like we do here at Eri fest) and they walk the kids to Buckingham Fountain and release them. Powerful stuff. Kids from other states come to this camp as it really addresses the needs and hopes of kids who have lost a parent.

Anyhow, busy week and I am tired and wired. I will end my week of writing camp and smile at both the great week we have had, and at being done. Ahhhhh.

Col, I agree, you are a good person for others to speak to, to see hope in. It is a huge process that nobody would want but that we are thrust into and we just cannot believe that we will make it, until we look back and see that we have made it. Not to say that we won't fall down blinded by tears again one day, but knowing that when we do, we will find our way up again and find the moon, sun, and the stars are still our points of reference.

Sus, many students use all sorts of products to smooth their hair so that they can wear braids or ponytails...hey, good book of poems written by african american children and illustrated by a man I met at a book conference, Greg Christie: The Palm of my Heart. He won a Coretta Scott King Award for the book. The kids might feel good with this poetry, aligning themselves with the child authors.

[shorty16]

Good Morning my Indigo friends!!!

Well, it looks like the weather will be nice this weekend - Finally.

Saturday (June 25) is our 23rd wedding anniversary!!! I am just proud to have made it this long and humbled to have such a wonderful husband. We made it through the most difficult thing any parent can ever endure - The loss of a child. I really think the key to our survival was not blaming each other for Brian's death. Blaming each other would have been easy, but the way Brian died was just crazy. Neither of us ever imagined Brian and his friends would go so far.

On June 25, 1988, the temperature was 100 degrees, we broke the record for that date. Sooo Hot. When my friends in the Milwaukee and surrounding areas watch the news on June 25, 1988, 100 degrees is still a record for that date.

WOW, it is a slow message day.

Aaron shaved his head yesterday. There is about 1/4 inch of hair left and he says he LOVES it. It is funny to see him swing his head to the side like he still has hair, almost like a tick or something.

Michelle likes her job and has the ability to earn bonus's of $40 a paycheck if they meet their sales goal. This Mayfair Mall Spencers is the leading seller of all the Spencers stores in the Great Lakes States. I am happy for her.

Scott and I have no specific plans for Saturday, just enjoying the fact that we are still together and still alive. Funny how when we lose so much, we appreciate the little things in life.

I am still bummed that none of Scott's family even acknowledged June 19th. Without my friends on BI, what would I do???

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever