Loss of an Adult Child

[mysonrich]

Hello everyone, the temperature has dropped 25 degrees w/i an hour after a storm really blew through. We can breath now. Our area broke a record today in high temp, my a/c in the car isn't working right so while driving I have avoided all traffic lights, circles,plain old traffic. Pedal to the metal. I can now drive to the repair shop to have the a/c checked w/o melting.

I wrote this morning but the computer decided to take a nap, lost my post.

Carol, so good that you found your tapes. Damon is soo cute too.

Rhonda, a nice ceremony for the graduates and a wonderful idea. Accomplishments honored. An 84 year old man just completed his masters at a local college . I believe he has been a professional for many years and decided to go for it. Its not easy at any age. Very nice photo.

Lori, I guess they don't make a billboard big enough for all of that you feel. Or enough paper,ink, web space.

Dee, I think and recount and shake my head when my brain acknowledges that Rich has missed 3 birthdays. Another sigh..how can this be? I do believe that there is a calming effect in nature, Betty,Sherry, Dee. I feel the undercurrent of an emotional storm brewing, especially lately, I go outside and watch the white butterflies, much like Bonnie, and feel calm. My thoughts are that anger takes up too much energy which has no release, only inward. Not to say it will always stay in hiding, too many things I don';t speak of, too many questions not answered...it rears its ugly head and hurts me and those around me that don;t understand the change in mood or misspoken word.

What I see while outside, baby bunnies, a baby groundhog,( eating one of my aunts hollyhocks) a robins nest, and hearing the sound of horses.

The window is open, the fan is on . Since Rich died I run a fan almost every night, winter included. It has a soothing affect .

Night to all.

[ericasmom]

Hi Kathy, nice photos of your two guys. Nice that Tav is interested in cooking. Ouch on the swimmers ear. I have to wear plugs when I swim.

I think that siblings do have a hard time when a parent or both in your case, are ill. Those living near the parents feel like they have to balance too much. My husband lives closest to his Mom than his siblings, so he is the one that makes the repairs, takes her to appointments, helps her with her doctor bills... good luck on making plans to visit and share some time with your family. Will Tavian go with you?

My dad is ill again and my sister Mare still goes to my Dad's home about once per month, and yesterday Eileen went too as he requested to see all of us. Eileen is at odds with him but she went, I won't go which makes my oldest brother mad, but I really don't care if he is mad at me. My Dad is sick, has had many close calls in his last 20 years, but he keeps on making it, don't know how...

Goodnight and sweet thoughts to Everyone

[ericasmom]

Betsy, we posted at the same time. I see your fan is like your ocean, the constant sound are the waves...I had a friend that had a white noise machine. She could not sleep without her machine.

I am sorry that you have that storm brewing inside of you, maybe this year you will find some new way to release it, not keep it inside to lurk and punish. When we are approaching a mark of time however, I think it is just important to let the emotions come forward, let the emotions raise hell inside your spirit. And it is in the work to regain your spirit that you may find your release. Wishing you peace.

[mikesmum]

Have been reading not posting. Sometimes I feel I have nothing 'uplifting' to offer so I read. I love seeing how our Indigo family support each other and how 'saying their names' becomes a colourful outpouring of love.

The different stages on this journey seem to come around over and over. I guess I hit the 'rut stage' leading up to and around Mikes birthday. I find I gravitate backwards and lose the ground I have recouped.

But a breath, colourful wishes from those who know can lead me gently back to a place of calm and peace.

This week has seen a test of my metal. Shopping in the local centre I ran into Amanda's parents. The shaking started, the tears fell and the urge to scream 'where's Harmony' was fought off. I did approach Sue, Harmony's grandma. I asked, she answered. Think 'doing as well as can be expected'. This was the answer to 'how is Amanda, how is Harmony'. Not sure what I was expecting, but I guess it was more than that.

Walking Muttley quite a bit of late, something to do with the consumption of chocolate

Mal has taken 2 tumbles this past fortnight. Torn quadracept and bad bruising sees him home. Think man cold apply to injury WOW! The last fall was down the front steps at his sons. He was carrying the grandboy at the time. Didn't know a 60yr old ambo could still manage a 'commando' roll, saving the child and scarficing his ankle.

Its been quite cold here, hard to believe as I read your stories of storms and heat. This is Muttley's new winter coat. It actually wraps underneath him to stop the 'muddy undercarriage'. He really loves it.

Carol - I know how you feel finding the missing 'Mike Tapes'. How cute is your grandboy Damon? I have a CD taken from a tape dad made with Mike Melissa and Steven. They were 2, 3, 4 and they were singing Twinkle Twinkle, Come on Aussie Come on (a cricket jingle from the '70s). On it dad is heard encouraging Steven to sing, all of the kids are giggling madly. It has a special significance as it was made just before Dad died. Memories.

Well off to bed. Rest the body, calm the mind and as we all do, face the new day with hope.

[shorty16]

To my Indigo friends

Good Morning - 49 degrees this morning - well summer lasted 2 days!!! The weather is crazy.

In our yard, We have:

A Robins nest

A Black-capped Chickadee nest

A mourning dove nest

A cardinal nest

Baby sparrows

Yellow, Lavender and Burgandy Iris's

Miniture Hollyhocks

Forget-Me-Nots

Trumpet Honeysuckel

Clematis

And many other flowers waiting for their time to bloom.

That is one thing I love about living in the North, the plant life is tremendous and the trees are huge (when they are allowed to grow).

Not much to say. Leading up to Brian's 3rd angelversary and I am just sad. Just want to hold my boy, see his face. What would he look like now? What would he be doing with his life. Just sad.

Colleen, missing my Brain very much. (I love that)

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Colleen your back yard sounds so beautiful and full of life. So glad it has cooled down there!!! It is only about 75 here in NYC this morning. A welcome change

Betsy I do hope you were able to get the AC fixed. Loved the image of the happenings in your aunt's backyard Baby bunnies and Robins nibbling away .

Trudie I hear you about posting I love Sir Mutley's newest coat. The latest fashion!! He certainly will be the best dressed at the park!!! I am so sorry about your encounter. So unnecessary and painful. I do hope Mal recovers quickly He is a Hero!!!

Dee Are you on vacation yet or do you still have some days left? I know those long bike rides beckons

Sus, Carol, Kathy, Rhonda, Sherry, Amy and all Indigos stay in the gentle memories of your angels

[mysonrich]

taken this morning. Butterfly or moth?

Betty, always something hopping around here . ha ha

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I want to ask that woman, as well as can be expected WHY? What does she mean? Does she mean because her daughter is a cold woman? Does she mean because she is raising Harmony alone? What the hell does she mean? I see where Amanda gets her 'cold' from. I am so sorry but so proud of you as you were not arrested or anything, nobody had to pull you off the woman. SOrry that Mal has had two falls. Time off from work then? Ask MR.MUTTLEY, if he would mind if I purchase the same outerwear next winter, I love the look. I love his owner too.

Betty, long bike rides do beckon, but not until I finish cleaning and boxing up my classroom which I have to do each year though I don't understand why...it is not like they do a big deep cleaning...oh well. Anyhow, our weather is just two hours from Col, so today it is around 50 and raining, allergies are wild and mosquitos are taking on a new size.

Col, your yard sounds like a naturalists paradise. Our coreopsis opening now, as well as the buttercups and penstemin. So pretty but wet.

[westleysmom]

Betty-when my daughter was a baby, my Daddy thought she was the grandest thing ever. He called her Honeysuckle Rose, he always had a nickname for all the kids and grandkids and that was hers. He would sing her the Yellow Rose of Texas song and when she was a little baby, that was the song I used for a lullaby for her. So if you're showing your age, so am I!

Kathy-I hope you enjoy the wedding ceremony. If you're like me, tears will come. I always cry at weddings, always. And of course now, I just always cry. But I'm sure Elisa will be happy to see you and you won't be the only one there with tears in her eyes. Hope Tavian has a nice summer and your camper gets all patched up for your time out.

Trudi-Hope Mal mends soon. I'm just discovering that I don't pass through the stages so much as revolve through them. I'll think I'm doing better and then like you said, it feels like I'm back where I started. I'm sorry that you don't get to see Harmony, I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. Muttley's coat is cute.

It has not cooled down here, we're still in the 90s. CJ's legal troubles continue, and I have been heartsick over it. He has been offered a plea on the incident that happened before Westley died, that landed him in jail back in the spring. The warrant wasn't issued until last October and when he violated his probation for underage drinking, they got him on that warrant. I feel like I have failed again, although this all happened long ago. I cried all last night, sometimes I just feel so powerless. Its not like anything we do doesn't matter, it's like it doesn't matter what we do. I can't explain it, I just feel so defeated sometimes, like I've failed Westley and I'm failing everybody else too. I am sad.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, that is indeed a moth, Jon had one in his yard the other day and freaked because it was so big. LOve them. I love those eye spots they have which deter predators. Cool photo.

[briansdad]

Here is another news letter I hope it can help some one.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/Newsletters/BPStL_M-J_11.pdf

[daveydow1]

Colleen---Thanks for the info for the robins. I did'nt know that they layed eggs twice in the summer.

(I will try to post a pic of the nest we found). The little black-capped chicadees are so cute.....scolding

you for being too close to their nest. Your honeysuckle sounds so nice. We had a lovely vine at the house

we used to live in. I want to get one for where we live now. Love the fragrance of the honeysuckle. Your

yard sounds so nice.

Dee----I don't usually have too much trouble sleeping----just now & then. Glad to hear that Jon is going

to physical therapy, and I hope that it helps his back problems. How's the house painting/repairs coming along?

Carol---100 degrees....Yikes. It was plenty hot for me in the 90's yesterday and day before. It cooled off

some for today.....much nicer. How cute......Damien graduated Kindergarten. So glad that you found the

tapes of Mike when he was little. What a treasure to have. I have no tapes/videos with Davey on them---

we never had one of the cameras.

Rhonda---- You said West was rough on watches. Dave was also, and always seemed to have a new one--

inexpensive ones. I still have the last one he owned.....in my desk. Good luck to CJ.

Betsy----thanks for the pic of the moth. Such coloring. Good pic.

Trudi---Sorry about the experience with Sue. It would have been so much better if she would have told you

more about Amanda & Harmony.

Betty----Good to see you. Is it hot in NYC?-----It has cooled down nicely here.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Robin's nest we found when my husband was clipping the azalea bush today, with four eggs.

[daveydow1]

Sorry.....don't know what happened.... . Will try again

[daveydow1]

Hope this comes through.

[daveydow1]

Don't know why it's so big. Maybe you can see it from the thumbnail. I'm no good at this.

[ericasmom]

Many of our photos come out huge, but hey, helps these old eyes, I pulled it over with the drag button on the bottom of the screen and took an up-close look at those amazing eggs, what a color hu? When you are born from that color you are lucky little creatures. Is the Mom around, or the Dad?

[mikesmum]

A little better again today, sun is out.

Love the colour of those eggs. Reminds me of the names on colour charts. I remember a friend painted her walls "Duck Egg Blue". Reminded me when I saw the colour of those eggs.

Yes Mal is off work. Realises that being a bit older 'none the wiser' impacts on us when we tumble.

It was hard speaking with Sue. She is under direct orders from Amanda. It was the same with Mikes bio dad. Amanda was in contact with him after Mike died. She sent him copies of all the pictures I had given Mike the months before he died. They came with a dire warning that should I be given any she would cut all ties with him and he would never see Harmony again. I wonder how she wields such power. He eventually gave in when 6 months after Mike died his father passed.

My hope is that Harmony is spared this coldness and somewhere in the warmth of the sun she feels that gentleness of love and compassion that is her dad.

Love you Mike.

[mikesmomrs]

been out and about all day, since Damon's graduation this morning at 9:15...what an adorable, well put together event! I will discuss it more later, right now have to fix dinner.

[mikesmomrs]

I also meant to tell SHERRY that I copied her beautiful robins' eggs pic and downsized it, have attached it to this post. I have a photo program that allows me to do that...makes it a lot easier for this old brain...

[ericasmom]

Love the eggs both large and small, and look at the expert construction of the nest, it is perfect.

Hey Carol, nice work you are tech-savvy. I am not. Looking forward to your post about the graduation. What fun.

Trudi, hope that Mal is on the mend, yes, we heal much slower as we get older, maybe the powers that be saying, slow down and enjoy the time and space around you.

On my post dinner walk I stopped to look down the lane that runs between the forest and the railroad. It was quiet and pretty in the pre sunset light, and I yelled down the lane, I love you ERi, and out from the trees walks a pretty dear, a doe, and when I said Come here Eri, a baby, a fawn joined the doe. Together they stared out at me, and then they continued to forage. Oh sweet Daughter, you send me signs of life and rebirth, and I cry from the gift.

Sleep deeply and may we dream of our Dear Ones and wake smiling.

[shorty16]

Indigos

Scott and I were driving home from another Church festival and we saw a fox!!! How cool. This was a young fox, smaller, but the tail was just as bushy!!! I love nature!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Love all the pictures and discussions of the new life that is all around us.

Dee how special that Eri sent you the Fawn and mom for you lovely evening walk. New York City has set up Bike lanes all around Manhattan Island. The lanes run along the river path and are tree lined and very beautiful soo my partner age 75 and myself nearly the same age decided to bicycle around NYC yesterday . Weather was great We lasted for about 4 hours and rode for about 8 miles. When we returned we were exhausted but happy. Today we can hardly move I think I will just go to movies and Opera for entertainment in the future

Trudie you are right as Mal discovered , It gets harder as we age. Glad you are feeling a bit better.

Sherry that robins nest is sooo beautiful How special You have such a lovely home.

Colleen a Fox Wow being a city folk that would not doubt startle me

Rhonda Love that you sang the Yellow Rose of Texas as a Lullaby. Both songs bring great re memories to me.

Betsy thanks for the detailed up close picture It is a beautiful shot

Carol looking forward to stories and pictures of Damon's graduation

Have a peaceful day all

[ericasmom]

Betty, I am so impressed that you and your Dearheart went peddaling around NYC. How wonderful, but yes, the lower back for me after a longish ride. Well, lower back for me all the time really.

Col, there was a fox running through our school neighborhoos, which is quite urban and I have seen coyotes up close and personal. The encroachment of the housing into the woods is causing them to look further for food, poor coyotes get a bad name when they eat a tiny dog, but to them, it is the right size of things they eat in the forest, so maybe if we just stop taking their land, they can eat the mice and other rodents they so love. Did you guys have fun at the church shabang?

The painters are here and hoping to pint as they set their ropes and scaffolding, the skies are grey but they are hopeful to get some work in after two days of no work. Me too. The yellow just casues one to smile. I think I have a book about Vincent Van Gogh called the yellow house.

[daveydow1]

Carol----Oh thanks so much for downsizing my pic of the robin's nest w/ eggs, and re-posting it for

everyone to see at a normal size. It took me so l-o-n-g to post that pic. Problably because of the

large size. I'm no good at posting pics......as most everyone here knows. . Anyhow.....thanks

for the help.

Dee----I, too, was impressed by the excellent, sturdy construction of the robin's nest. Yes...the mom

robin returned to the nest. As soon as we saw it, we cleared out so she could come back. But, I

just had to run & get the camera and take a picture. Lovely color of eggs. Hope the house painters

are coming along on your house. You're rignt----there was a painting by Van Gogh called "Yellow House"

which I believe he painted when he was in the South of France. What a lovely story -------your call ing

out 'I love you, Eri',......and a doe and her sweet fawn stepped out of the trees to greet you.

Trudi-----Hoping Mal is feeling better. Sorry that Amanda is so hard to deal with, and little Harmony gets

caught up in the middle. Sorry.

Colleen------Oh, I love foxes ! Aren't they just the cutest things with their intelligent faces, and their

fine bushy tails.? Last fall, there was one killed on the road not too far from here. I was sad to see it.

Betty----I agree......The color of the eggs in the robin's nest is so beautiful. I was glad & relieved to see that

the mom bird came back to the nest. We are staying clear of the azalea shrub now, so she can have her

peace & quiet to brood her eggs, and take care of the babies when they hatch. What a great bike ride you and your

partner had ......8 miles around Manhatten. My brother lives in Syracuse, and makes trips to NYC to install

art exhibits from time to time....(.he's a prof. at SU), and he raves about NYC all the time...loves all the sites

and museums.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

I am glad that you have the robins to look forward to as they hatch adn then as they grow and learn Sherry. The painters made a great deal of prgress today, so pretty. I just came back from a long walk and along the way bought sandals and honey that I needed for dinner, (farm girl pan bread) and I bought the newly released novel by Anne Patchett, whose wrtiing I love. What a wonder she is at weaving a tale. It has been a couple years since she last published and boy, I love her work and do not want to wait 9 months until it is in paperback, so I treated myself with a hardcover. Gosh, a painter just walked past my window here on the second floor...startled me.

The book takes place in the Amazon jungle. She has written both fiction and memoir, her book Truth and Beauty was an amazing memoir about her friendship with Lucy, a woman, a fellow poet whose life was extremely difficult. I saw a parent today of a student I taught in Nursery School and I recognized her and named the boy of hers that I taught, James, who was/is the same age as Erica. She asked how my family was, and there in front of the deli counter, I told her about Eri dying. She gasped and held my arm and asked me questions which I do appreciate. She took my email as we found we had much in common still, I taught James when he was 4, he is now 27 and a Daddy of 2. Where would Eri be I wonder, but I guess I know where she is now, and blessed that when I yelled ' I love you, Eri' the deer showed me that she is here.

[summergirl]

JUST LOST MY POST - MAKES ME SO MAD WHEN THAT HAPPENS AS YOU CAN NEVER GET THE SAME WORDS BACK !!!

TRUDI MY DEAR FRIEND, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT AMANDA AND HOW CRUEL AND EVIL SHE HAS BEEN.....I AM SURE THAT HARMONY IS LOVED AND WELL TAKEN CARE OF AND I PRAY THAT WHEN SHE IS OLD ENOUGH SHE WILL SEARCH YOU OUT AND THE RELATIONSHIP YOU LONG FOR WILL BE FULFILLED.....MANY PRAYERS AND HUGS TO YOU AND MAL, HOPE HE IS FEELING BETTER.

TAVIAN AND DAMIEN (HIS BESTFRIEND AND OUR WEEKEND GUEST) WERE UP AT 4 A.M. THIS MORNING TO GO OUT IN THE BOAT AND PULL TRAPS AND NETS....THEY ARE BOTH SO EXHAUSTED BUT INSIST THEY ARE NOT...LOL .... THEY ARE LYING IN BED WATCHING A MOVIE WHICH I AM SURE THEY WILL NOT FINISH AS THOSE LITTLE EYES ARE JUST TOO TIRED....

THE CAMPER IS COMING ALONG AND WILL BE READY FOR JULY 4TH CAMPING....BARRY IS MUCH BETTER AT FIXING IT THEN HE THOUGHT HE WAS AND I AM HELPING ALTHOUGH I MUST SAY I AM NOT A CARPENTER BUT GOOD AT TAKING ORDERS WHICH HE IS GREAT AT GIVING....I AM EXCITED FOR OUR FIRST CAMPING TRIP OF THE SEASON AND HOPE THE WEATHER HOLDS GOOD AS IT HAS EVERY YEAR SO FAR...

I AM MISSING MY JESSICA SO MUCH, I AM HAVING LOTS OF BAD DAYS......THE MONTH LEADING UP TO HER BIRTHDAY MONTH IS ALWAYS SO HARD FOR ME....JULY 21ST AND I AM ALREADY FEELING THE EFFECTS....JESSICA WAS A GIRL WHO LOVED HER BIRTHDAY AND CELEBRATED THE WHOLE MONTH OF JULY AND MADE SURE EVERYONE CELEBRATED WITH HER... I AM FINDING MYSELF BACK TO THE "DENIAL" STAGE, IT HAS BEEN OVER 5 YEARS AND I STILL HAVE NOT FULLY ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT SHE IS GONE FOREVER, MY MIND KNOWS IT BUT MY HEART DOESN'T LISTEN.....

MUCH LOVE AND PEACE TO ALL......KATHY

GREG - IF YOU COME ACROSS THIS POST COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME YOUR WEBSITE AS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT AND ORDER SOME STICKERS....OR IF ANYONE HERE KNOWS IT PLEASE LET ME KNOW....THANKS SO MUCH

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos....i know it has been a long time since i have posted....i have to tell you, i am not doing so well with this so called grief journey....19 weeks into it, and it still sucks big time. i miss my nathan worse now than ever. i cry all the time, even though i am getting out more, as long as someone is with me. i am still not back at work. i have been to my granddaughter's 5th b'day, my grandson's 3rd b'day, my daughter's baby shower, she is due in another 3-4 weeks, to the beach where my son lived and left us, and my husband and i are planning a trip to va. beach and then i am going to see my other son in florida. i feel like i am just being lead around by a leash or something. i am doing what is expected, then go home, get into my pajamas, and cry my eyes out. i just can't get through the anxiety part. nathan's friends sent me photos of them having a great time on 'their' boat....it was nathan's boat, left to them....i was so sad...nathan should have been there, enjoying that boat. that was his favorite past time....the beach, the boat, the ocean....he is not here for anything involving his family, his own loves in life. i am not very accepting of this life. i can tell i am a changed person, never to resurface again. i see things change around me in the outside world and none of it means a thing to me, none of it. i saw flowers blooming, trees blossom out, grass turn green, and it all came without my awareness, until i just looked and there it was. i didn't, and don't care....it's just there. nothing matters, except, i miss my son, i want him back, i want to see him, to touch him, to tell him how much i love him.

i don't know how to do this....i don't know who i am, or who i am supposed to be. my heart still aches in the worst possible way. i didn't expect to be any better, but i did expect to 'feel' something by now. but, no, i don't.....just overwhelming sadness, lonliness, heartache, and pain.....when does it get better, just when? i just wonder why in the hell i wake up everyday. why? what is my purpose on earth anymore? i have no idea.

i am so happy others have found something to be grateful for and have seen the things out there that bring them peace abd some sort of happiness. i am sorry for family illnesses and sorrows.....i wish i had more positive things to say for you.....i wish i were in a better place to make you all feel better....i'm sorry i don't . i think about all of you often and i do read your posts, i just have not had the energy to write......take care and have nice thoughts......love, diane

[Guest msnher]

Everytime I go to post my mind goes blank. Perhaps that's a sign that I'm supposed to practice not saying anything for awhile. Please know I am reading. I care for each of you more than words can say.

The birds are busily "discussing" their morning with each other outside our window. A woodpecker is drilling for food not far away. The smell of coffee in the kitchen tells me it has completed it's brewing cycle.

Sounds and smells I didn't refuse my senses after Stephanie died. The pain of grief was too great to notice or care. I began to feel the sun on my skin and wind in my hair in increments. Sight and sound returned even slower. But, they did return.

I don't always see the world through the lens of grief these days.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Sus I loved seeing Stephanie's beautiful face and reading your message of hope today. It made me smile.

Diane Glad to see your post as well I know how hard all this is but going thru the motions are a step in the right direction Keep holing on to us and others we will walk this road together

Dee So glad so much work was done on the house I am sure it is sparkling and that always makes me happy

Sherry I know you are staying clear of the little Robin's nest but do hope you will keep us updated. I have been watching the Eagle and Hawk nest on line every day. All the babies are nearly ready to fly They believe it will happen any day now I will miss watching them grow

Carol still waiting for pictures of Damon's Graduation and his funny adventures

Betsy Have you been out with your camera lately capturing more lovely scenes? I too find nature very healing .

Trudi How is Mal and Sir Mutley?

Rhonda and Lorri , Kathy , Sharon, CJ and all Indigos I do hope you all have a Blessed Day

It is much cooler here in NYC today Going to church and then an outdoor concert (If it does not rain) Will light a candle for all of us.

[ericasmom]

Hello Diane, it has been a while since we saw your words here, but we have been holding onto your story and it is part of our days, so don't worry, we have all gone through quiet stages too. I am sorry thatthis journey is getting harder for you but to be honest, it does that for everyone that first year, and sometimes into the second, but we do find the purpose of living again. THat first year Diane is a rollercoaster and the little climbs we make make no sense to the extreme drops. Feeling like you are being led around on a leash is how many have felt. Just lead me, I will do it, then take me home. I did not go through that so much because what I desired after losing ERi, is calling the little shots, wanting a bit of control in a life that showed me that I really did not have any. I knew that the only control I really did have was for the immediate, and only over me. So it felt good to me to decide some small things. I did eventually though, almost quit traveling, not that I traveled a bunch, but travel just does not appeal to me now, maybe someday, but home is really where I love being, in and around my home. I wish you a sunny day that somehow does feel nice to you, even if it is just an hour of nice, that it is noticeable. But when you ask when will this stop being so hard? It is gradual, not anything that will be a big noticable change, it will gradually become less of a weight to carry, always a sadness, but less of a weight. Your going places is great and a good way to let your body and mind tend to birthdays and births. You have come a long way Diane even if it feels you have not. Keep us posted.

Sus, the quiet is a piece of the peace. I join you in having coffee and listening to birds.

[shorty16]

Diane

Good to see you on this site again. I know it is hard, we all know it is hard. I am one of the few people on this site that thinks going back to work helps. It helped me by forcing me to think of something other than the death of my 16 year old son. I went back part time for over a year. Full-time sucks, but I do not have a choice with that now. 19 weeks is such a short period of time on this journey.

Another thing that helped me was helping others - that is why I stay on this site. To tell others that we can live life again.

I am considering going to our local Compassionate Friends meetings. I feel that I am now strong enough to handle the newbies and not take on their pain myself.

Hang on!! It does take a long time. The love that we have for our kids is so strong and the sadness from their death is just as strong.

We are thinking of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

My Friends

Aaron starts summer school tomorrow. I think it will be just as much work for me as for him. Getting AJ to understand that if you do the work up front, the class is easier - that does not seem to sink into his head.

Aaron is so different from Brian. Aaron just does not have alot of friends. He is not nice to people, thinking that if he makes fun of them and then says he is just kidding they will forget about it. I too did not have alot of friends in HS. My life did not really start until college.

Brian, had too many friends. He was very popular, but I am afraid not for the right things. Brian was the life of the party - funny, risky, and very coordinated. He took risks other would not. I miss my boy, Brian and struggle helping Aaron to achieve any goals at all.

Michelle is the opposite - she is an over-achiever. Takes school and life very seriously. She went from 17 years old to 30 the day Brian died.

Wish us luck with Aaron in summer school. Communication Arts 11 is a requirement for graduation. I am scared for Aaron's future. Not because he is a risk taker, but because his grades and work ethic are so bad, no one will want to hire him - Do they grow out of this???

Colleen

[dwsmithrn]

betty, dee and colleen.....thank you for your words of wisdom and understanding.....i know 19 weeks is such a short time, but some days it seems like yesterday and some days it seems like forever. i do want to go on and enjoy my family, i do....i just don't know where i find the energy and the strength. i don't know how to cancel out the sadness and the grief and turn it into joy and happiness. is there such a thing? is it too soon for my heart to do that? i can think of fun times with nathan and i can laugh about it, then that laugh can turn to tears in a blink of an eye....i guess the knowing that i will never have that time again, or see that laugh again, or hear his voice again, just deepenns the sadness. people tell me to think only of the happy times, and picture his smiling face, and i do that, but then everytime, i cry out in pain, of that same pain of knowing what will never be again. i had 32 years of a wonderful, smart, funny, son who loved life and enjoyed so many things about life itself, and it saddens me immensly to know, he's gone...he's just gone.....and i did nothing to rescue him from whatever pain he was hiding. i didin't and couldn''t save my son. it hurts. if i failed him, whose to say i won't fail the rest of my family in some other way.....it frightens me. something must be wrong with ME. i have beautiful, intelligent wonderful children and a very loving, understanding husband, but what if i am failing them, too? i can't take anymore pain.

i'm sorry i'm such a downer.....maybe that's why i haven't been here in such a long time. i feel like such a failure to everyone, including you.....i'm just not in a good place, but then i don't i'm expected to be, now, at this time in my life. maybe nathan is safe and happy and out of his pain, but he sure left his mother a world of misery....bless his happy little heart. i miss him and i love him, always and forever....hope he knows it....

diane

[lolynbo]

WELL IM 5 DAYS AWAY FROM MY ANGELDATE...SIGHHHHHHHHHHH......YESTERDAY WASNT GOOD, MY SISTER WAS HERE AND WE LAYED OUT WHILE LAYING OUT, I TOLD HER "SO U NEED TO PUT THAT KOURTNEYS KLOSET PATCH ON MY LEATHER MOTORCYCLE VEST"(THAT SHE WEARS ALONG WITH MY CHAPS) CUZ I DONT RIDE.....SHE SAYS...."I DONT WANT THAT ON THERE"......HOW IN THE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFK CAN SHE SAY THAT, SHE SAW WHAT KOURTNEY WENT THROUGH AND WHAT WE WENT THROUGH AND STILL GOING THROUGH....IT MADE ME CRY BUT SHE DIDNT NO IT, I WONT LET HER NO IT...BUT I WONT ASK AGAIN.....SHES OFTEN SAYS SHED LIKE TO HAVE A KOURTNEYS KLOSET SHIRT....YAH THATLL NEVER HAPPEN...(IF SHE CANT SPORT A PATCH I AINT WASTING MY $$$ ON A TSHIRT)....

IM TALKING BIG BIKERS HAVE THESE PATCHES TOTAL STRANGERS...BUT SHE SAYS "I DONT WANT ONE OF THOSE"....OH YA WELL F U

OTHER THEN THAT...IM TRYING TO HOLD ON TO FRIDAY...AND DAYS AFTER...

[Toby'sMom]

Hi Diane,

I am only at 10 weeks (72 days actually) , and there are some really bad days. I cant always find the words/energy to post - what is there to say? There are not enough adjectives to express this loss. This morning an analogy came to me as I was waking up. I am planning a celebration of life for my son Toby next weekend (I could not face doing it any earlier) and I was thinking about the sweets we are going to serve, and I thought that my life now is like a cake without frosting. The cake still tastes good, but it is not as rich. It is missing something essential that makes it a cake.

I do agree with Colleen that returning to work helped. I only was off three weeks, and felt the need to return. I am fortunate to have a private office so I have some privacy (when crying comes upon me suddenly). What I have found is that I am less sad when I am doing things where Toby did not take part in it. Work is like that. I also have fewer memories of him there. I have his picture on my desk, but not all of the personal memories that interrupt the day. He isn't "supposed" to be there so I feel his absence less. I tend to cry on the way home from work or on the way to work when my mind is "open" and not focused on an activity. I found the same was true when we went out of town to get away - we picked a place that Toby had never been to. Is wasn't that I did not think about him - he is always there, but the pain seems less acute. Everyday things like going to Costco can make me cry because I can remember all of the times he was with me. My weekends are the worst days usually, because his absence is so obvious - the whole weekend is different without him.

I also feel at times that I failed him as a parent. He was only 18. I know logically that his accident was not my "fault" but I will always wonder what I could have done to change that day, and in my heart I will always feel his loss as the greatest failure of my life.

It is difficult to focus on making each day count for my son Luke and my husband Brett. I know I would miss them just as much if something happened to them, and I would give anything for another minute with Toby, so why cant I take joy in their minutes here with me now when I know they are here in the now? I think that is the daily challenge for me. How to live in the present and to be present for those I love.

Wishing everyone peace,

Cheryl

[ericasmom]

Cheryl, I would say that you are really doing well with observing where you are at this time, though learning to live in the present and appreciating all you have around you is something you will be able to do, at 10 weeks, it would be most difficult. I am sure that you let Toby's brother and Dad know that you do love and appreciate them, and they too are going through their own wonderings about how to proceed in the face of so huge a loss. There is nothing easy about this road, nothing, but in some time you will find things that glisten. Those pieces of gold will be what you mined out of the ashes, the memories, the giant love, all that remains, the connections to Toby, all that will glisten and give you an amount of peace one day. It does take time and time makes so little sense when you lose a child. Yesterday/100 years ago-all feel as though they are the same. I went to work at 5 weeks, ERi was killed in July of 2003 and because I am a teacher I did not have to start back until late August. I was unsure of my ability to do so, but I did and I am so thankful for it. I tutored kids at their homes that summer after ERi died, about 2 weeks after her funeral. THat was hard but I rode my bike to the homes and so that offered me some outlet for my tears and my hope. Peace and prayers to you,

Col, good luck with Aaron going to summer school, I know that he might fight you on this, but hopefully he will understand that this is going to elevate his life. Fingers are crossed.

In the garden today we have coreopsis opened, stella doro lilies, delphinum, and a perennial salvia that I love, as well as sunflowers starting to grow by the day...fun stuff.

[dwsmithrn]

hi cheryl....thanks for those words.....i think what makes it hard for me to return to work, is that i am an RN, in my husband's pediatric practice and so many of nathan's friends bring their kids to us. we see so many of them in and out and there is always some one in the office who want to and do say something to jim, almost everyday. jim does not feel i am ready to hear that day in and day out. i usually only work part-time anyway, and he cut my days back to 1 1/2 days when i do return. he said even though we don't want prople to forget about nathan, it is still just so raw for me, he knows i would fall apart and it would be hard in our small practice with me being the only nurse on my days to work. he gets sad and tears up when patients talk about to him, even with the slightest comment of condolence. so, he wants to wait until he thinks i am ready to get back in the swing of seeing patients and able to do my job without falling apart. i am not even able to think clear enough to chart, to give babies their immunizations and the other responsibilities i have to think about just yet. jim is a very patient, kind and loving man. i am fortunate to have him...he is my rock. i am getting out more, but i still have to have someone with me. when i return to work, those same people will want to say to me what they have already said to jim. then it will start all over again. i need to be ready for that...i think...

i am so sorry for your loss, cheryl, it is such a hard and long journey we must travel. i am sure your son was a wonderful young man and you miss him terribly. my heart aches for you as well.

i will keep on keeping to the best of my ability until one day i can wake up and realize, i do have a purpose to be here. there must be a reason i am still here, but i have no answers to the reasons nathan is not. i know i never will, but i must keep asking until i, myself, realize there are no answers and i can accept that.

take care, diane

[daveydow1]

Diane----It's good to see you here at BI. I'm so sorry that you are in those 'black hole' days. As others

have said,....it is so very early for you on this road of grief. I, so, remember how I was at that point ...

in the grief process. I believe that it is good of your husband to want you to take a bit more time to

let yourself gireve & grieve. Only you can decide when will be the time when you feel like you can

return to your job. I was a nurse, also.......although was working as a librarian at the time of David's

death. I try to imagine how I could have kept my mind on my job as a nurse.....it was hard enough

to do it as a librarian. I was near retirement, so I left the library after several months of working

after my son's death. Right now,......your grief is something that consumes all your thoughts....and

rightly so. I believe it is that way for anyone, so soon after losing a beloved child. Sending thoughts & prayers

your way in whatever you decide to do about your work, and wishing that somehow you can find some

peace & comfort, friend.

Kathy----I hope you have a nice time camping. My......Tav and his friend are really excited about getting

up early and checking all the nets. Sorry you're down, and hope that the camping will help a bit.

Sus------I guess we all get to the point sometimes where we don't have too much to say on BI. Sometimes

the words just aren't there.......I know.

Betty-----the robin's nest is in the azalea bush, and at an easy height to just peep in and see how things are

going. So nice you can see the progress of the hawks and eagles nests on the internet, and a little sad

when they fledge and are gone on their own. Somehow, a bit like our dear children, isn't it?

Trudi----Duck's egg blue would be a nice color. I don't believe I've ever seen a nest of wild ducks, but their

eggs must also be a little like the color of the robin's eggs.

Dee------I am the same....about travel. I'm just not that into it anymore. I never was one to fly, so that is out

anymore.....but my husband nags me about taking trips. I'm more into shorter trips, .....like weekends anymore.

Like you-----home is where I am the most contented. Your house painting seems to be coming along nicely.

You'll have to post us a pic when it's all done. How is the physical therapy going for Jon ? Hope he's getting

some relief from the back pain.

Cheryl------Sorry you are having a difficult time. Hold on, friend......and come back to BI. We're here for you.

Colleen----Good luck to Aaron with his summer school.

Lorri----- Your posts are orange again......YAY ! Sorry that your sis doesn't want to wear the Kourtney's Kloset patch.

I can understand that you would be hurt, because that was blunt........to just say "I don't want to wear the patch".....

Did she say why not ??? Sorry that happened. Sometimes others just don't get how deep our love for our

deceased children are, and and how it hurts when someone says some insensitive thing.

Good night to all........wishing you a good night's rest and some little dreams of your beloved children.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Sherry you posted just as I was thinking...a long slow process these days. Yes that's why I thought of it when I saw your picture, the colour is the same. Love that you have such 'wildlife' around you.

Diane - As you can see by the words of those around you here, you are not alone. These 'early days' become a struggle from wanting Nathan, to everything is Nathan and trying to reconcile the life we had to where we find ourselves each day now.

Whenever someone (on our 000 your 911) asked me if they were 'going crazy' or was 'this normal', part of my training was to explain this is a 'normal reaction to an abnormal situation'. Sounds so understated now. Losing your child....well that speaks for itself, the way you roller coast from one minute to the next, is normal for this journey. I can only imagine how hard it would be back in a practice seeing Nathan's friends and how life for them, while changed, still remains 'normal' as we used to know it.

I couldn't reconcile the old me with the new me enough to go back to my job. Its been four years. I find though when placed in a certain circumstance, the 'old me' comes forward, it sees a shut down that takes a couple of days to pass.

It will ease, the grief then sadness will 'find its place'. Having to be with someone when you go out is something that you need to do now. Its like having someone to navigate you through 'unknown' places, even though once it was never a problem. You might not feel it but just reading your posts now from 19 weeks ago, you are building your 'safe place'.

Betty - Mal is now enduring a 'man cold' sprained ankle & torn quadracep. Last night after a long trip to take his 84yr old dad to visit his mum's (Mals grandma) grave he fell into the recliner vowing never to rise again

But there was a knock on the door and it was his eldest boy James. They wanted to tell us something. They are having a baby and we were the first to know. Funny, I felt light as feather and so happy. Mal felt the weight of the world. No one is to know so please don't tell anyone.

Colleen - Had the same with Steven. Too cool for skool. Messed about and left at 16. Had a job but as with alot of junior positions they dry up. He did a lot of labouring, jack of all trades master of none. Then as though someone turned a light on he began his plumbing apprenticeship and is now fully qualified. Everything I had said in those many years FINALLY made sense to him. It won't happen overnight, but in its own time. Thinking of you through summer school.

The signs we look for, well don't think I mentioned that Mal's eldest boy is James Michael.

Freezing here, snow on all the mountains surrounding us. Tourists aplenty! So since he has his winter jacket there is no stopping Muttley. Sir MD is off for his walk.

Take Care all

[dwsmithrn]

TRUDI AND SHERRY...THANK YOU...JUST THANK YOU....

i think one day things will be better, then the next, i think i have fallen backwards again.....i know with the help of my indigo friends/family, i can one day get somewhere....now, where(?) i have no idea, but somewhere.....i am just glad i have you to vent, to spill my soul and share my heart. it helps...it also helps that you can tell me where i am, where i am going and what my future holds.

thanks for being the kind, caring people you are, even if we didn't ask for this kind of gathering.....just thanks for caring...diane

[lolynbo]

IF I USE MY WORK COMPUTER ITS ORANGE....WHAT I DONT UNDER STAND IS THE FRICKN LEATHERS ARE MINE...NOT HERS...THATS WHY I ASKED FOR HER TO PUT THEM ON THEM CUZ THEY ARE MINE....BETWEEN U AND I SHES A LIL SELF CENTERED......STILL PISSED HERE IN OKLAHOMA

[ericasmom]

Lorri, sorry that your Sis made you mad, I guess I don't get it, did she just say I don't want that on there, End of story, no explanation, no conversation? And it isn't because it makes her too sad to put the patch on? Sorry for your hurting.

Hey are you still going on a cruise? How is my handsome Kody? Are he and his girl getting along? Is his car race-worthy? What about Kimberly, how is she doing?

Trud, I sure am picturing you and Sir Dog Muttley going for your bundled up walks. I still find it so amazing that we live on opposite parts of the globe and experience opposite weather/seasons, and yet we can talk each day and hang out here together. Now that is the part of technology that makes me smile. I thought of you today adn your love of the sea, I was walking in a corner of the forest, and the sound there, the amazing wind through the tree-tops create the prettiest sound to my mind. Sort of like your prettiest sound being those waves hitting the shore. I hope that Mal finds healing in the coming days sitting in his recliner. Congratulations on the good news. Are you done with your semester? (colors are from the sea)

Kathy, I think that camping this summer will be extra fun. Tav is at that age of discovery. When everything turns into an adventure or a science experiment. Fun age. How are your parents doing?

[lolynbo]

DEE, SHE ENDED IT PRETTY MUCH LIKE THAT, BUT ADDED "U CAN PUT IT ON YOUR KOURTNEY COAT.." (WHICH IS KOURTNEYS COAT)...I SAID "ITS FOR LEATHERS ITS A MOTORCYLCLE GROUP"...THAT WAS IT END OF CONVO...

KIMMY IS GREAT CODY HER HUBBY JUST GOT GREAT JOB AT DELL $52K A YR..(THANK YOU GOD)

KODY HASNT RACED LATELY WERE THINKING ABOUT MOVING HIM UP TO ASPHALT AND THIS MEANS NEW CAR, NEW TRACK OUT OF TOWN AND SPENDING MORE $$

BROOKE AND HIM WILL CELEBRATE THEIR 2 YR ANNIV ON THE 15TH DOING GREAT...

68 DAYS TIL CRUISE BUT WHOS COUNTING...MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

KODY DRIVES NASCAR THIS COMING SAT...10 LAPS AT 160MPH PRAY HE HAS FUN AND IS SAFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SEVERAL OF US COMING UP ON ANGELDATES...IM HUGGIN AND PRAYING FOR ALL OF YAL..../USSSSSSSSSSSSS

[ericasmom]

I am hugging and praying for you all too as are our Angels. Hold tight Lorri, you are in Kourtney's light.

To All who need a quiet time right now, we are holding you and hoping that the footprints we left in the path help you each through these hardest of times.

[Guest msnher]

There are so many of you hurting right now. I want to tell you the pain will get lighter, but I don't know that for sure. I do know they told me it would and it has. I don't know how long it will last but it is here for now...easier days.

I don't always see life through the pain of grief these days, but I am not the same woman I was before. While there are things I miss about my old self, I don't think I would want to be her again. Always the perfectionist. The control freak. The person who thought she had all the answers.

My 10 year old granddaughter, Mariah, told me she wanted to get me some cream with medicine in it to help cover all my wrinkles and age spots. I told her I didn't want to hide them. I told her I deserved each and every one of them. I earned them. I told her I was proud of them, that they told the story of my life. I then began to point to some of the wrinkles and age spots and told her the story of them. She said she didn't want people to laugh at me...I told her to let them laugh because we know the real story behind them. They are a story of pain and joy...of tragedy and triumph...they are a story of love and courage.

I was sitting on the wooden swing in our side yard yesterday when I heard "Mom!" come from behind me. Stephanie used to live in the trailer Curtis now lives in...15 seconds from our back door. I turned and looked and for a split second thought it was Stephanie standing there, calling my name. It was, in fact, my daughter Jennifer who surprised us with a visit. Before it registered that it wasn't Stephanie I jumped to my feet and RAN towards her...leaving the people I was visiting with in the middle of their sentence. My head knew it wasn't her but my heart knew it was...so weird. I grabbed Jennifer and held on for several minutes.

Even while I type this the tears fill my eyes. Yet, I swear to you I am in a good place. It's a peaceful place. It isn't full of torment. My life is not consumed by sadness. It just is. Peace is good. I have no future plans (other than adding on to our house in a few years).

I don't like to travel anymore either. I don't like to go anywhere. I am okay with that. I am not screaming "I CAN'T DO THIS!" to the universe, because I know I can. It has left it's mark and to the naked eye the scar is ugly...to me it is beautiful. It represents Stephanie.

The woman I was no longer exists. A better woman has taken her place. But to see the beauty, you have to look through the scars.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Have been feeling kind of "out of it" off and on for the past couple days...don't know how to explain it except to say that I can't explain it. We did have a good time at Damon's graduation though...he was so cute, and so happy about it all. As he jumped around, looking over at us, sending us kisses and waving, his excitement was contagious and hopped into our hearts and helped to dispel the sorrow that kept trying to come through. And it worked, til the end. They all sang a group of songs and they were just really sweet...one of them, they used the tune and most of the words to "New York, New York." Only, they sang

Start spreadin' the news, I'm leavin' today

I want to be a part of it

FIRST GRADE! FIRST GRADE!

These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray

Right through the very heart of it

FIRST GRADE! FIRST GRADE!

These KINDERGARTEN DAYS, are melting away

I'll make a brand new start of it

FIRST GRADE! FIRST GRADE!

Yes I can make it there, and make it anywhere

It's up to ME, FIRST GRADE! FIRST GRADE!

(each time they would sing "FIRST GRADE, FIRST GRADE" they would all stand up and raise up their arms.)

All of their little voices, so happy and so filled with smiles and excitement. They sang a few more, and then they ended the ceremony with a really beautiful rendition (considering they were just kindergarten children) of "Somewhere over the rainbow." I was even okay with that, until they sang, "why oh, why can't I?" As they sang that, they all lifted their arms, like bird wings and sang it so sweet and so soft...the tears just popped out and I couldn't stop them. I looked over at Sarah and her mom, and they were both sobbing like crazy! All I could think of at that moment was why, oh why can't I fly "over the rainbow" and see my son, watch him be happy, just watch him be again. At the end of the ceremony, the principal came to say a few words. She ended with telling those in attendance that she wanted them to know how quickly time flies...she said she had attended the graduation of the high school students a few nights ago, and remembered many of them from their kindergarten days at this school, 12 years earlier..."A blink," she said. She said "I know it is hard for you to imagine, but the year 2023 will be here before you know it...enjoy this time with your child, every moment...it goes so quickly." Her words hit my heart like an arrow...2023...so possible that neither Ralph nor I will be here to see that...he would be 80 and I would be 78...I know that sounds defeatist, but it was just a thought that came to my head, unbeckoned. But it hit me really hard. (Ah...so, maybe that is why I have been feeling "out of it" since then, eh?) I was able to "dry myself up" before Damon came over to us...they had to go back to their classroom to gather their things before they came down to the parents, so we had a few minutes. I am so glad I was able to hold it together, I didn't want him to see me sad...it was his day, and he was SO happy about it! I knew his dad was with him, I knew he could hear him sing, watch him jump around, and I was convinced when I looked down at my feet, and there on the floor beside me, was a stain in the shape of a heart, of course. Later, when Ralph and I left, we drove to a nursery on the way home that I have been wanting to go to for a while, but just haven't had the opportunity to get there. They have the most wonderful flowers and plants, and I love being there, as it is a huge place and you can truly get lost in the beauty. I was going for a yellow pear-shaped tomato plant, and also, for Mike's memorial garden, a liatrus and something in a red perennial. After I picked out the liatris, I mentioned that I wanted something in red, and the person working with me told me they had one red coreopsis left, and led me to it. I didn't know that they came in any other color than yellow! I had a beautiful yellow one at our old house, that spread all around the purple latrius, but I wanted something red because that was Mike's favorite color. When I went up to pay, there were about 5-6 people in line. I heard a voice calling to me, and I looked over and a young girl told me to come to her counter, she could help me. When I walked up there, the first thing I saw was a beautiful heart-shaped stone, about the size of the palm of my hand, with the word "BELIEVE" carved into it. As soon as I saw it, my first thought was of Sarah. I knew that the day, while joyfilled, was also difficult for her, knowing that Mike so wanted to be here for Damon's starting school and he would have been so happy at the graduation ceremony. I knew that Sarah greatly felt his physical absence while there. So, I got it and brought it to her on our way home. When I told her how I came to find it, she smiled, teared up a little, but joyful tears, tears of understanding. So, it was a beautiful day, emotionally charged, but joy-filled, thankfully.

a pic of the heart for Sarah:

here are some of the pics: (the last one that I did for Sarah, a dry brush version of one of the photos of Damon...it was actually one of him on Sarah's brother's lap, but I took the brother out as I wanted it to be just of Damon) I hope that she likes it.

[mikesmum]

Carol - Out of it is somewhere that comes and goes without reason. Sometimes think our minds are ahead of us and slow us down as a 'milestone of memories' is due. Damon's graduation, Mikes not being there. For me of late its been tinged with the idea of my own mortality. Might have something to do with researching family tree for the past 3yrs. (Came from being up all night on the computer and wondering where I came from)

Like you with Damons date of 2023 I no longer go with 'oh I'll be here'. Its more like, not sure about that. How our perception of future changes. I do love those pictures...purple caps...

Dee - Thank you for including the colours of the sea. Yes the wind through the forest has a similar sound and when I'm in the hills being in the State Forest away from the crowds I can get in touch with the calming influence. I remember flying out of our winter and into your summerish season. Nearly melted! My own fault for thinking the weather couldn't be that different.

Lorri - Hugs my friend. Those who are closest can sometimes win the 'DUMBASS YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT AWARD' without trying. I'm blessed. My baby brother sms'd me all through Mikes birthday. Letting me know he never ever forgets my son, his nephew.

Diane - you my friend are more than welcome. Many is the time I posted from the darkness of the abyss, like a whisper in the dark thinking no one would hear. Hearing those comforting words spoken in a posts illuminating my darkness just enough to see me through, I guess that's what it is to be an Indigo....never alone.

Day has been a mismash of 'happenings'. First I cooked, yes I did. Then we looked at 'retirment units' locally. Yes I know, not near the ocean but we are working together on a 2yr plan. Then the phone call saying 'Steven' broke his wrist motor bike riding. Just about to fly off on my broom to give him heaps, (he was supposed to be working) when I find out it wasn't my Steven, but a friend of Mal's boys. The same boy who survived a broken neck only 3 months ago. IDIOT. Luck to be alive let alone walking, told not to ride ever again. Doesn't know how lucky his is. Fell back through the door and got a call from Melissa and Co. They had been in the snow around us and were dropping in for a cuppa...love those impromptu, just passing visits. Makes an old girls heart soar...

Well off to do some Calligraphy.. Easier then Psychology. Yes semster I is filed away. Taking a breath before I go back or not.

[mikesmomrs]

A lengthy post, as I haven’t posted or addressed any posts for the last few days…

Betsy: You are in my heart, and I am holding you close, and pray the joyous memories of the day you gave birth to your beautiful boy fill your heart and help to wash away some of the ache of missing him so. RICH RICH RICH…happy birthday…have a wonderful celebration with all of our angels, and surround your mom with gentle moments of grace. (I know this is a day early, but didn't want to let it pass by)

Lorri, Sherry, and Colleen: You all are in my heart and I am holding you all close as these days engulf you and the sorrow springs up and attacks your heart with the painful memories of those sad days once again. We are with you, always…holding you, sending you love and strength, smiling with you at the sweet memories, and crying with you over the missing.

Lorri: Difficult to understand where your sis is coming from, especially considering you requested that she put the patch on YOUR vest…I don’t know just how I would react to that, but it would make me very sad, I know that. I am sorry that this added sorrow is placed in front of you, especially at this so vulnerable time for you. Good luck to Kody at the races, and prayers for his safety.

Sherry: I am so glad that you are so surrounded by nature, and especially that you enjoy it so, and also that you enjoy sharing it with us. It’s nice that the robin’s nest is low enough for you to watch the progress. I hope you are able to get pics of the hatchlings.

Colleen: Wishing you much luck with Aaron’s summer school class, praying that he will understand the necessity of it and that it will contribute to his progress in school. I am sorry that you have this added stress.

Diane: I am so glad that you posted and that we know you are okay…I am also very sorry that the days are so hard for you. As others have said, you are making progress, slow, perhaps unnoticed by you at the time, but progress nonetheless. It is okay that you need someone to accompany you when you go out and are on autopilot…eventually you will find strength, you will, we promise.

Sharon: hope you are doing okay…sending love and strength to you, also.

Sus: “They are a story of pain and joy...of tragedy and triumph...they are a story of love and courage.” I loved your words---so descriptive of what we have gone through, and letting us know that these changes to our outward appearance are scars of love and courage is so very accurate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am glad you are feeling some peace right now.

Cheryl: ” There are not enough adjectives to express this loss.” You are so right, and we truly understand the feelings you are experiencing. At 10 weeks, as Dee said, you are doing well to recognize where you are in this journey, and learning to live in the present is something that would be very difficult at this stage of your grief. Please know that we are with you, always, that you can come here and find support and understanding, anytime.

Trudi: So sorry that Mal is encumbered with so much…and your words “Funny, I felt light as a feather and so happy. Mal felt the weight of the world.” Oh, my goodness, this SO sounds like Ralph…we were just talking about this very thing today. He tends to find the burden in things, and I tend to find the joy. I think they see the future prospects of the extra help that will be needed, and we see the future prospects of love and smiles and hope. I love the connection of Mal’s eldest’s name: James Michael. Of course, I always love hearing that name. I am so sorry for the encounter with Amanda’s parents…so cruel and so cold. I wish so much there was something you could do without threatening your whole future in the process. I pray that one day she will ask to see her other grandparents, and that perhaps before that, something will come about where it will happen. So glad that you didn't have to go and drop some words on Steven, and that he is actually okay. Also glad for your spontaneous visit from Melissa and her crew...yes, those are the nicest kind of visits. Hugs to you, my sweet friend.

Dee: So glad to hear the house is coming along and looking so pretty in the process. I know that the colors you chose will be well suited and make your house shine in the sun. I am glad that you are able to relax now, and hope that all the packing out will be done soon. I too wonder why they make you do it, since you will be back in the same place in the fall. Perhaps they worry about vandalism? I am glad for your encounter with the woman whose son you taught earlier…and that you were able to tell her about Eri. Especially glad about her response to your loss, that she seemed to feel your pain as much as anyone who hasn’t gone through it can, and seemed to express that by her gasp and reaching for your arm, and asked you questions instead of dropping into a stone cold silence. I loved Eri’s special gift of the fawn and her family.

Betty: I hope you were able to enjoy the outdoor concert…perhaps the rain held off long enough? I loved that you and your partner went for a bike ride, though sorry that it took its toll. I do hope you try again, though, perhaps for a shorter time and distance?

Kathy: glad that the camper is coming along, and so nice to hear that Tavian and his friend are having such fun and looking forward so much to “pulling the traps.” It all sounds like a lot of fun, and I do hope you are ready by the 4^th of July weekend for your camping trip. Thanks so much for sharing the pics. Holding you close as you miss your sweet Jess so…Mike too loved his birthday, and enjoyed celebrating it for more than that one day. We used to say that he invented the “birthday weekend.” It is difficult to accept the “gone forever” concept…I don’t think I will ever fully wrap my heart around it.

Had a wonderful "impromptu" afternoon with Cathi today (Sunday), at Jamie's baseball game. It was postponed from the other night due to rain. She and I talked and laughed and shared during the game, and a great game for the team was made even more wonderful for Jamie when in the last inning, he was unexpectedly called in from his second base position to close out the game as pitcher. The previous pitcher had let three walks happen, and Jamie inherited all three base runners, with NO outs. He got the first out, fly ball, and two of the runners didn't score; then he walked the next batter, but struck out the last batter, and the game was over...they won 14 to 4. His team will play in the playoffs tomorrow...he is so excited! pic of jame as catcher last year

Amy, Crystal, Karen, Beth, Bonnie, Marcia, and all of our BI family…thinking of you, holding you close and in my prayers every day.

[shorty16]

My friends

I have another terribly busy week at work. And on this site, Birthdays and angel days this week also.

I am really trying to be happy, but WOW, this new life really sucks sometimes.

Scott and I went to the Botanical Gardens in Whitnall park and we decided our iris's are prettier than theirs. We have burgandy bearded iris's with yellow centers and lavendar bearded iris's with beige centers. So pretty. However, they do not last long. I planted them 2 years ago for Father's Day.

Hang on everyone - we will help each other through this next week.

Love to my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever