Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Paul's Mom

You are right, this is a terrible journey, but the horrible physical and emotional pain you feel now, will subside over time.

14 weeks seems like a lifetime, but on this grief journey, you are very new.

My son died 6-19-2008 and on that date, a piece of me died also. In the beginning, we live one minute, sometimes one breath at a time. Shock is wearing off for you and reality is slapping you in the face. A reality without our child.

I can remember, after Brian died, going outside and yelling at flowers for blooming, yelling at the sun for coming up when my world had stopped. I know I am crazy, but that is how it went.

3 years into this journey (most days), I can enjoy life, but the underlying sadness is always there. We learn to go on and laugh again. We learn what we can and cannot do, we learn to be kind to ourselves and see happiness in the little things in life.

We are here to hold you up!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Quickly checking in to say hello and I'm thinking of you all. Today is our last day in Iowa. We have enjoyed our trip, although my hips/legs have prevented me from doing as much as I used to with the kids. So many little ones...and so much noise. I don't fare as well as in my younger days. Each of you are in my thoughts constantly.

Love and Light, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andy88]

Hello Dear Friends!

I hold you all close to my heart each day. I'm back on the upswing, I think. Went to the beautiful NC mountains this weekend and spent time with family. We went to the Smoky Mountains National Park at dusk and watched herds of elk come out to graze. It was truly awe inspiring. Sat by a waterfall--it felt like being in heaven. I could almost see Andy standing there saying "HI MOM!". I'm very worried about Andy's best friend. He went out and crashed his car into a tree...basically on purpose. He is not handling this well at all. I encouraged his mom to take him for counseling. Is there anything else I can do??? I'm staying in constant touch. Andy's dad and I are taking him to a cabin for the weekend of father's day. It breaks my heart to see him in such pain.

May you all find a ray of sunshine today.

With love,

Pam

[westleysmom]

Carol-Love the blurry pictures. There's a commercial where a lady is "fixing" everybody so she can show her family pictures to people and they can be perfect. I think I used to be like that, but now not so much. People aren't perfect and life isn't perfect, but that doesn't mean its not beautiful, just the way it is. I think that is a gift that people like us have been given that other people (with "perfect" lives) don't get. I would rather have had the gift of my son's life, him outliving me, but I guess we don't get to pick. It looks like the boys had a great time and I hope you and Ralph aren't too much the worse for wear.

Susannah-I only have one granddaughter and she wears me out. Have a safe trip home.

Betty-Hope that your trip to Jersey is a little less eventful than the last one I heard about. My Daddy always said that a man needed two dollars hidden somewhere on his person for emergencies, so when he passed away, my brother put two one dollar bills in Daddy's pocket before the service. Maybe a lady needs at least a five dollar bill or whatever train fare is?

Trudi-Hope the test goes okay. Its so hot here, its hard to believe that its getting cold where you are.

Dee-I've seen a few hummingbirds, but we don't have many flowering plants, so we don't see many at my house. We see them at Mama's and my MIL's, though.

Being "up" all day on Sunday for the birthday took a toll, and yesterday was a down day. So tired sometimes and feel like Susannah, that my bed is my favorite place in the whole world. Going to work everyday gives me the appearance of being "okay" to outsiders. But we know that just because you don't look sad doesn't mean you aren't sad. And when I see other people that seem so happy and carefree, I remind myself too that just because you look happy doesn't mean you are happy, and they have their own crosses to bear that I may know nothing about. I hope your crosses today aren't more than you can carry and that you find some sunlight on your way.

[lolynbo]

THANKS GUYS/GALS FOR THE REPLY ON MY BB ANGELS PIC...SO HARD TO LOOK AT , BUT KIMMY KNEW I WAS TALKING ABOUT IT THE OTHER DAY SO IT WAS FOUND QUICKLY SOMEHOW...(KOURTNEY I IMAGINE )

OH GOODY MORE STORMS...JUST WHAT WE NEED..

PAULS MOM, IM TOO AM GOING ON 3 YRS JUNE 17 2008...AND IT JUST SNOW BALLS ME LIKE IVE NEVER HEARD IT OR SEEN IT COMING....HOLD TIGHT AND KEEP THE FAITH..THATS ALL WE HAVE...

[heartbeataway]

CJ -

Jay was an adult child with his own home and life. We have a "pod" of his things. We lived out of state and it was the easy way to secure them and store them at the time. Mostly things from his garage. His fiancee took furniture, electronics, etc ...

We just passed the four year mark ..... and the pod is still packed and safely stored away. We've talked about having it delivered and we really should. I know it will break my heart when it is. His garage was his "man cave" .... he had signs, tools, etc .....

I will be strong enough one day to unpack those memories. That day just hasn't come yet.

It sounds like you're new to this journey ..... it's a long journey. Don't be hard on yourself ..... don't judge yourself ...... be kind to yourself and if you need too, get someone else to pack those memories away until you can touch them again. It's okay ..... you're not doing anything wrong.

It's going to be a hot one today ...... I have lots of office work to do. I'm finding it harder to tend to the day to day details of managing Jay's business. He should be here doing this .........

Okay Tuesday, here I come .......... !

[heartbeataway]

Some of Jay's friends camped out at The Cove over the weekend. They sent this picture to us. ~ heavy sigh ~ ~

[shorty16]

Pam,

What a wonderful person you are to take care of Andy's friend the way you are.

When we are so surrounded by the loss of our child, it was hard for me to think that anyone else other than our family was hurting. You not only see that, but you are doing something about it.

You are a class act.

Colleen

[westleysmom]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY KAILEY!

Lori-Thinking of you today and hoping that you can feel Kailey in your heart where she lives forever.

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SWEET KAILEY... and sweet wishes for a belated birthday to your beautiful sister Vanessa...I know that you are both celebrating every day of eternal joy together. Please surround your sweet mom with your love and beautiful spirits.

Lori: I am so sorry for having missed wishing Vanessa a happy birthday on her day. I wish I could hold you and give you a huge hug and sit there and listen to stories of your beautiful girls. Sending love and strength.

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie: So good to see your awesome son's beautiful smile, and it was so good to hear that his friends still hold him dear to their hearts...this must bring much comfort to you and Rich. I love the picture that they sent and also that they sent it! How sweet of them.

Pam: I am so happy that you had a wonderful trip the mountains. It is so good of you to watch over Andy's friend, and taking him to the cabin may help to lighten his pain a little.

Betty: Take care on your trip to So Jersey...have a good visit, also. Wonder if you will see the same conductor on the way there or back?

Trudi: Our sofa in the picture reclines, one side at a time. It is light green, what color is yours? Ralph has the single recliner that matches, and every now and then he actually lets me use it! Good luck with your test, but I have a feeling you won't need luck...you are too good at what you do---besides, you have an angel watching over you, as always!

Lorri: How did the races go on Saturday night? How's Ella Mae doing?

Rhonda: Yes, the blurry pics---something we always thought was so important to be perfect and now it is just important to get it on film and to hear their laughter...I know the commercial you are referring to... I am glad that you got to the birthday party, and though you are worn out from the activity and the "face" we need to put on, I am glad that you have new memories to hold in your heart (it was for your granddaughter, wasn't it? I'm sorry if I forget...I can't look back as I will lose this post).

Sus: Hope you all had a safe trip back from Iowa, glad that you got to see all the grandies.

Dee: when does your school let out for the summer? I know you are sorry to leave the children, but also so very glad to begin your summer vacation---one you richly deserve!

Davis seems to be doing a little better. His friend, B, gave Davis a pair of C's running shoes...Davis and C had had a long-running discourse on what Davis would have to give to C for C to give Davis these shoes (Davis is a shoe-aholic, and you can imagine how he gets ribbed about this by his friends). Davis took B out for a drive today, and they wound up at B's mother's house, where C had lived. They went into his room, and B saw the shoes and right away said "Davis, you know he would want you to have these." Davis refused at first, but B convinced him that it wasthe right thing to do, and something C would want. Davis brought them home and finally put them on, since he and B were going out again. As he stood up, he filled up and tears spilled over...he almost took them off, but then said he felt close to C in them, so he wore them out with B. thank you all so much for your prayers and good thoughts for helping Davis get through this latest onslaught to his young heart.

Ralph is just holding his own til our next appointment at dartmouth...hopefully the constriction band he is wearing will have done some good. Thank you all for your prayers regarding t his, also.

Cathi sent me this link today, regarding orbs: http://www.merlianne..._Entities.shtml

I have, as many of us do, many pics with orbs in them, and it is interesting to read that higher up scientific people have researched them and found there to be no concrete explanation, i.e., dust particles, etc. This is a pic of Jamie taken at Mike's memorial site, when Ralph's family were here last year..it was just at dusk, and was pretty profound. Mike's niece, who took the pics, was so taken by it she went immediately to have copies printed out at the drugstore, so we could have them. This was just one of them...I can't locate the others right now, but we have one of Mike's stone, with a huge, multiple orb over it.

[lolynbo]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY KAILEY...HUGGGS LORI

[mikesmomrs]

here are the other pics from Mike's memorial site, taken by Ralph's niece during their visit last year. Pretty sure I've posted these before... but wanted to post them again, in connection with the article Cathi sent to me.

[daveydow1]

HI to all INDIGOS......Haven't been on BI for a while, so am far behind with posts, but will

try to catch up a bit.

Dee----What a job it is to pick out colors, huh? At first thought, it sounds like fun, but then the

confusion starts after looking at so many sample colors. Hope you & husband will pick a

good color that feels right to both. that was a nice Memorial Service that the 5th graders put

on.....speeches and all. Sounds great. Such a sad story of your seeing your mom at the end

of her life, and that they cut you loose so long before that, and had no contact. You are right---

some people who are inherently bad seem to go on forever, while good white souls have to

leave this world. Who can understand?? Our garden is now in......green onions, radishes,

beets, green beans, potatoes,peppers, tomatoes, gourds, cukes, pumpkins (for the grandies ).

Our field corn is now planted. Hope your flowers are doing ok after the soaking they took recently. It's

HOT here.......nice Memorial Day Weekend.....in the 90's. Hope you're feeling better now.

Carol----I bet your tomatoe plant in the planter will do well. We had a patio tomato in a planter

when we were living in the condo, and it had many tomatoes on it. Sorry that you are feeling so

down and missing Mike. Yes, one longs to see, touch, and just talk to a beloved child/children

who are now in heaven. Your outing for lunch with Damien was so nice.....and all the balloons

for the kids.

Karen---Thanks for your kind words. I know what you mean about the sad feelings. I feel so sad

when I think of any time I was annoyed with Dave, or had disagreements, etc. I know that all parents have

their ups & downs with their kids......even when they are adults, but it sure hurts to think about it. Peace to you, friend.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BELATED BIRTHDAY, VANESSA......ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday to Kailey, so sweet your soul, joined for all time with your Sister.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, so very dear to see you today, blessings to all of Jay's friends, love the photo, love that they let you know and see that Jason will always be with them, deep in their hearts. I know that some day when you look at the storage unit you will see the touchstones of Jason's life knowing that these items represent a time in a young man's life, your young man, and that the biggest treasures in his world are the two folks that packed it away to be looked at later.

Carol, glad to hear that Ralph is holding his own. I love the orb photos. We get out of school on June 7th. Today we were on the Chicago River architecuture tour., so fabulous. Hot day but with breezes off the lake so perfect. Report cards have to get finished and then I will breathe a sigh of relief.

Pam, I echo the others, so glad that you are helping out Andy's friend, it must mean so much to him and I know it does to you, to reach out to someone so dear adn so fragile. Andy must be very proud.

Paul's Mom, how are you feeling now? Stay with us now.

[andy88]

Happy heavenly birthday Kailey, with love! <3

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly

Birthday, Kailey!

[bealison]

useful link:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/10-truths-about-grief

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends,

Well, summer came for 2 days here in Wisconsin and now it is a bit cooler today (I like it between 65-75 degrees).

My daughter has been posting pictures of Brian on her Facebook site and many people have been commenting on them. I was talking to Michelle (my daughter) and she said "Mom, he looks so young in these pictures" and then she started crying.

Yes, forever 16. My 2 surviving children are growing up and their brother is forever young. So hard to deal with.

June and July are tough for us. It does get easier as time goes on and I also know what to expect from my mind and body. I realize that the days leading up to those "special" days can be worse than the day itself.

We learn, over time, to recognize how our body responds to things.

Kailey, and Vanessa happy heavenly birthday. We are thinking of you and your family today and always. Sorry I am late on Vanessa's.

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Colleen-My daughter doesn't talk much about Westley, at least to me. I think she doesn't want to upset me. Whenever we're together, the granddaughter is around and she's so perceptive that we try to keep it light. I'm so sorry for the sadness that surrounds this time of year for you. I know I always liked summer better after I had kids, you know free time and school's out and all that. There was a time when it was harder in the summer because they were too old for babysitters and not quite old enough to be trusted home alone or to get jobs to keep them out of trouble. But that didn't last too long and like getting up in the morning and dressing everybody and being three places by 8:00 a.m., you forget how hard it was and how in the world you even did it. I hope your weather stays nice for a few days, our's is beastly hot in TN. It seems that since last January, even the weather here doesn't know how to act. Hugs to you and Michelle and Scott and Aaron.

Bonnie-I haven't done anything still in Westley's room. I just don't know when I will be able to handle it. I keep the door shut, and sometimes I go in there and just lay on the bed and cry, but other than that, I haven't been able to stay in there long enough to make any decisions about his things. I still can't get it through my head that he doesn't need them anymore and he's not going to be back for them. I could have burned them that day when it happened, and it wouldn't have made any difference to him. I miss him so and I know that is something you understand completely. The memorial to Jason was so sweet, I'm sure it broke your heart, but so glad that he is still remembered by those who love him.

Dee-Good luck on getting through those last few hectic days of school. Then you will have your much needed break and be able to get ready for Eri-fest. I hope the plants didn't all drown in your yard.

Have as good a day as you can everybody.

[lolynbo]

WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND ITS THE FIRST DAY OF JUNE....JUNE THE MONTH I DREAD OR THE OTHER MONTH I DREAD....THINKING OF ALL OF YAL THAT HAVE ANGELVERSERIES IN JUNE....SADLY THE LIST IS GETTING LONGER AND MY MIND IS NOT....COLLEEN, MARCIA, IM SURE THERE ARE OTHERS....(DEEP SIGH.......................)

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. I wanted to stop in and say hi. I have been so very busy lately. So much going on. Too much actually. Just feeling overwhelmed.

Colleen

The Wisconsin weather is starting to come around. Yesterday was so nice wasn't it? Today is not bad, I could live without the wind, but I'll take it. Your forever young comment is so true. I picture our children as being forever young. They will never have to experience the pain of getting older. In my mind our kids are forever perfect. Facebook is a tough place for me to go. I still can't look at pictures of my Brendan without breaking down His beautiful little face and smile. I just can't believe he is gone.

Been very busy here. Organizing everything for the new basketball job has kept me busy. Playing some softball again and even got out to golf again. I miss Brendan so much, but I am trying so hard to live just a little bit. The grieving is just so hard. I grieve a lot during the day and Michele more so at night. I got home last night only to find my beautiful wife on the computer listening to KLove songs and looking at pictures. It is so hard to see somebody you love in so much pain and not know how to help them. I can't even figure out how to help myself right now. I hate feeling so out of control. It has been a little slow on selling our home. We found a home to buy, but can't make an offer until our house sells. Hopefully we get an offer soon. We could use some prayers on that one.

I wanted to share one more story with you all. I told you how Jackson keeps telling us about his dreams of Brendan. Yesterday we were eating lunch and talking about getting married. He was talking about a little girl at school that he wants to marry. Then he says to us. Brendan can't get married in Heaven. We asked him why not? He said because nobody is married in Heaven. Then we asked him how he knows that. He said once again that Brendan told him that nobody gets married in Heaven. Again we asked him when Brendan told him this. Once again he said when he sleeps Brendan talks to him. I am starting to truly believe that my son and all of our children truly are safe in Heaven. There is no way that Jackson could have known that at the age of 5. One of my wifes friends told her today that is says right in the bible that there is no marriage in Heaven. That is why in Christian weddings they say until death do us part. Marriage is an earthly thing, not a Heavenly thing.

Just wanted to share that with you all. I hope it helps just a little. I know it is helping me get through. Jackson is telling us things that he just could not possibly know. I am thinking about you all.

CJ

I hope your moves goes smooth. Good luck with everything. Hope your doing ok.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[bus1851]

Hello everyone,

Still packing, hauling, working and crying. At work yesterday a co-worker tried to talk with me about her friends child that was killed in a car wreck and how her friend really taught her a lot about losing a loved one. I made it through about 45 seconds of the conversation and had to leave for the restroom. After a few minutes of crying alone I came out and she apologized to me for upsetting me, but I told her she did nothing wrong, I cry all day every day just on the inside and sometimes the tears force there way out. I also told her that my heart is broken and whats left is just not strong enough to fight back emotions that come to the surface and she felt a little better, I did not want her to stop talking to me all together in fear of making me cry. My work friends are just not used to seeing me sad and somber. I was the clown, funny man of the work place and now I am just a ghost. Everything I was has died. One day I will find that happy place again and hopefully find myself.

Tony-thanks for the encouragement. Packing up Marleys things is really going to be tough, I found a basket with her bottles, formula, and baby food in our back room and broke down crying. My mom must have picked up in there thinking we would need it later. Seeing her toys and clothes go into a box will hurt. Everything of hers I see makes me miss her more.

I was wondering what company you were working with to build the playground? It is a wonderful idea.

Marleys dad-CJ

[Brendan's Daddy]

CJ

I know how tough the packing up can be. We had to do it when we started showing the house. We were just so afraid somebody would take something of Brendan's. We have not packed up his entire room yet, but we have taken some pictures down. His closet and droors are still full of his clothes. His T-Ball shirt is still on his chair and his baseball hats are still hanging on the rack. Even his little bathrobe still hangs on his Mickey Mouse Clothes hanger. It is so hard to see. Jackson likes to play in Brendan's room and talk to him. Sometimes he likes to wear Brendan's clothes. The other week he put on Brendan's bathrobe and was walking around the house. It was too much for me to take. I told him I would buy him his own bathrobe. To me that is still Brendan's robe. Yesterday he was riding Brendan's big wheel. He did great, but for me it is still Brendan's big wheel. I actually went out today looking for a new big wheel for Jack. Your comment about always crying on the inside and sometimes the tears force their way out. That is so true. I am the exact same way. I know my posts don't show it sometimes, but I can tell you I am stronger today after nearly six months than I was at 3 and 4 months. Each day I take some steps forward. Sometimes I take a few steps back, but I am learning to live again. We will both get to that point again. I too was the guy with the sense of humor. The guy who made people laugh. I remember reading on Yahoo once that people who laugh a lot live longer. I remember telling my wife that I was going to live forever because I was always laughing. Things sure do change in an instant don't they? I am not that person any longer, but once in a while I say something that gets a laugh out of people. I don't laugh like I used to and I might not ever get that back, but slowly I am living again. I am heart broken just as you are, but I KNOW that our kids are in Heaven. I used to just believe it. Now I know. We will miss our kids every day for the rest of our lives, but one day I know that we will see them again.

The playground for Brendan is going to be amazing. Last I heard we were at the $20,000 mark. Only $5,000 to go. The company we are using is Minnesota/Wisconsin Playground. They are a great company and I believe they build all over the US. The use Gametime playground equipment.

Take care

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[daveydow1]

Dee------Such a sad story about Jon and ERi's friend Kathy. What a tragedy.....3 young lives gone. So sorry.

How was your bike ride? Did you and husband settle on a color for the house paint?

Betty----I'm doing OK......hope that you are too.

Bonnie----Good to see you here.

Carol----I'm glad that Ralph is doing a bit better. Sending prayers.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ...........SWEET KAILEY. SMILE DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY AND

WARM THEIR HEARTS.

Lorri-------Know what you mean about the month of JUNE. So many sad feelings, Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Tony and CJ: Holding you close as you walk these steps...they go up and down again...so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. The reminders, the memories, bittersweet, yet so necessary to our daily survival. Sending prayers and strength.

Tony: So wonderful what Jackson is passing on to you from his brother. You are blessed.

Colleen: Yes, it is hard on the siblings...Cathi has taken it hardest, though has gotten so that she talks about him all the time and we share a lot. Davis, however, has never been able to talk about it much...he lived with us til Mike moved out in his 20's, so has always thought of Mike as his big brother. So sorry for what Michelle and AJ are going through. So glad they have you and Scott as backup.

Rhonda: If Mike had still lived here as a young man when he died, I would likely still have his room as it was then, and would also find it a place for me to let my tears and anguish out. When the time is right, if it ever is, you will know, and you will change it...otherwise, it is there, for you, to offer comfort to you when you need it.

June is a tough month for many here...holding each of you close in thoughts and prayers for strength to take one day at a time. Your angels are with you, always and ever.

Have to go now and drive Damon home...there are tornado watchs/warnings over our whole state... He came to the podiatrist with us today for Ralph's appointment..it is about 45 minutes from our house. He was so very good, the whole way up and back. We stopped for lunch while there, and he had a good time. On the way up, I realized we had forgotten to bring a book or some toys, and I said "Oh, no, we forgot to bring something for you to read or play with for the trip there." He replied "Oh, I think I can stand it, nana." He is such a sweet boy!

Jamie sent this to me; he took it from the window of his mother's truck: (Jamie's "punch buggy" color is "rare," and this "mohawk punch buggy" is certainly rare!) When Mike had his mohawk haircut, it was blue and 3 inches tall...at one point it was red and black, but thankfully he passed through that phase quickly!

[ericasmom]

Just ended a three hour shower for two teachers from our school and the shower was here at our home. SO nice, hung out in the garden and it was all good, but I am bushed and we were outside all day for our third grade picnic. WOW!

Col, I think Michele has gone through what many teens do when they lose someone close, she reacted and grieved in the way that her teenage self could handle, and now she is becoming an adult, she is changing and some grief will have to be dealt with on a new level. She needs to grieve adn to know that it is normal to re-murn th eloss as she changes. She may want to talk with someone at this point, maybe not, but she might be ready for a deeper kind of discovery now. Books or stories of loss...I too am glad that she has you to help her see that if she is feeling it, it is real. She need not be 'over' it, there is no over it, but there is instead, living through it and finding the light within oneself to keep on. I bet she will find herself dreaming of Brian or is it Brain soon...allowing the space in her life for some of that raw pain to be dealt with.

Damon is such a dear Carol. I love his voice of reason. Hope the tornadoes leave you alone and all your loved ones. Give Davis a hug from me, tell him a stranger loves you. I do. Jamie's special bug is phenomonal. Love the mohawk!

Sherry, we are busy at school, getting ou t on the 7th. Oh we picked out colors and I am thrilled with our choices, lets see when the painter tells us he can come...the base of the house will be yellow, a lighter butter, then the contrast trim will be a gray dark, and the accent a light gray. Pretty.

Hummingbird moth already today, so exciting. They are a sphinx moth, so many variety but the ones we get are the size of a big bee with some striping and a hummingbird appendage. Love them. They werer hanging near the columbine and the indigo.

Tony, the messages from Brendan are huge adn wonderful that they come from his sweet partner Jackson. He plays in Bren's room to be near him too, to have those same tangible experiences we all need as parents, our children need as siblings. They say about siblings: these are the partners in life you should know the longest, that these are those who give creedence to your lives. My son dearly misses his Eri, his partner in growing up. We need to really let our surviving children feel and touch those things that their siblings did, it is part of their process.

Lorri, I know that June sucks for you, July for me. No matter what, we face it as we must, but that does not mean we like it or that we miss them any less, but for their sake and the sake of all others we love, we face the dates to show that we stand where they no longer can. They are standing for us too, I can feel them cheering us forward.

[mikesmum]

Bealison - Thanks for the link....never truer words spoken.

The siblings, well Mikes are in their 30's with family work and life keeping them busy. They don't purposely 'not talk' about Mike, its something that they 'dance' around.

An example ~ This Saturday is Micheal Shane's 36th Birthday. Nothing has been said, they all have a busy weekend. But somewhere in the back of their mind is the affect this date will have on me. No reference to Mike, but a call mid week to ask if Mal's going to be home 'this weekend', will I be here or at the Bay, hadn't heard from me just checking in. They are weary of the potential speaking about Mike around his birthday will have to bring me sadness. They don't like that their mother falls hard around this time of the year.

Its harder still to know that on that day 4yrs ago Amanda took Mikes ashes to the river where with her family and a 'celebrant' she married him.. The bride was attended by bridesmaids, a flower girl (Harmony) and her father 'gave her away'. It wasn't legal, it was symbolic and a reflection of the name change affected earlier by deed poll.

The heaviness in my heart aches even now as I type.

The sun is shining here and we are promised a beautiful day. So my heavy heart will accompany me to the park where Muttley will make me smile as I think of Mike sending sunshine to warm me.

I thank goodness I can post my thoughts here, to speak out loud of where my mind is at the moment would find words like 'but he's in a better place' or worse still, 'that was a long time ago wasn't it'. That I couldn't bare to hear.....

Peace Indigo's

[shorty16]

Tony

You have come a long way. In my opinion, the acceptance portion of this grief is not the acceptance of our childs death, that will never happen, but it is the acceptance of who we have become because of our childs death.

My good friend down-under taught me that (Thanks Trudi). Also, When Brian died, Aaron wanted ALL of his stuff (cloths, movies, games, etc.) Michelle, also wears his cloths. Since Brian was a small person, AJ has started to outgrow Brian's cloths. That is tough. AJ is now older than Brian ever was. I know it hurts to see our surviving children use the stuff that was our angels, but both AJ and Michelle felt very strongly about wearing them - so I let them. Hope you can find some joy in Jackson using and wearing Brendan's things.

CJ

That is exactly it. At this stage in your grief, you are not strong enough to control your emotions, they control you. As time goes on, you will become stronger and be able to control your reaction (most of the time).

I am glad you sold your home so quickly. We have at least 6 homes in our neighborhood for sale, 3 right next to each other.

To all

The weather today is wonderful, a bit windy, but I will take the sun and warmth.

Thanks to all my friends on this site. I would not be where I am in this grief journey without you.

Dee - You are so right. We never get over this - as my aunt said 10 years after her husband died, "We get used to doing things without them, but we never stop missing them"

That is where I am at. I miss Brian so much. His friends are moving on with life and Brian is forever 16. Sometimes, I really hate this journey, but this is my life now and I WILL learn to honor my son.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[nicksdad]

Well after months of messing up the application I finally got entered in the Pepsi Refresh contest. I would appreciate if you can vote daily if possible.

Childrens Memorial Stones

[nicksdad]

I am sorry I am late....

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Just heard of the terible storms in Massachetts.

Carol, Amanda, Karen, I do hope you are safe.

.

Dan I have voted.

I just returned from New Jersey with my Wallet :rolleyes:All is well here

All Indigos please be gentle with yourselves

[ericasmom]

Praying that everyone in the path of those tornadoes out east are fine, let us know as soon as you are able...prayers.

Dan, I don't have facebook so do I need to start a log in with Pepsi? I loved your idea, love the whole concept and the way you put it together. Good to see you today.

[nicksdad]

Dee..Yes either a Facebook account, create a pepsi account...or you can Text: 106717 To: 73774

[mikesmomrs]

All: we are safe here, no tornadoes up here...very threatening skies, kind of scary, but all if fine, winds are gone. I think the storms in Massachusetts were in the southern part of the state and Karen lives in the northern part, near the New Hampshire border. I haven't talked to Amanda...will call her tomorrow. Thanks for thinking of us. it is not very often that we get tornado warnings out here...glad it never turned into anything else. I hear that the southern part of Massachusetts (Springfield, in particular) was hit fairly hard. Haven't seen any news on it yet, though. Take care all, stay safe.

love to all of my indigo family...

[shorty16]

Good Morning my Indigo friends,

All is well here in Wisconsin, windy, but good.

Lori B., I am thinking of you this month as we both are preparing for the 3rd angelversary of our beautiful children going to heaven. Take care my friend.

Dan, I will go and vote for you. What a great idea. Even though we do not have a headstone for Brian, those parents that choose to bury their children should get one. We creamated Brian and are spreading his ashes all over. That is what he wanted.

4-day work week this week and I love it. The church festivals in Wisconsin have started and Scott and I go to them very often. Good bands (usually) with cheap drinks and food. Plus it goes to a good cause.

Carol - Glad you are safe in your part of the country. We have also had some really scarey weather, but nothing has come out of it.

Dee - Hope the water has receeded from your back yard. Our Iris's are blooming and they are BEAutiful. Yellow and Lavender. Such a delecate flower.

Love to all my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo's;

We are home safe and sound from Iowa. The whole family went, including Curtis and his family. As a general rule, I don't post, publically, that the homefront is unmanned.

I see I've missed several posts. Lori, I am struck with awe that both girls birthdays are so close as is their angelversaries. I suspect they are deeply bonded. That, I'm sure is little comfort to you..especially on their birthdays. Stephanie's birthday has been the hardest day for me so far. I hope you were able to feel them close by.

Tony - Thank you so much for sharing Jackson's dreams. What a gift of hope for all of us.

I trust all made it through those nasty tornadoe's?

This is a hard month for a few of you...you remain in my prayers and thoughts.

I have been having sweet meditation times lately. I can't explain it, but it is very peaceful. Meditation has been helpful in easing my anxiety attacks (when I remember to do it). It sounds morbid, but one of the things I have been asking myself is "what if you lost everything and everyone you love...who would you be?" I don't know the answer but it helps me exhale so that I don't panic and ruin everyone's fun. Weird but it helps me enjoy the moment a bit more.

Love and peace to all of you...I'll catch up more thoroughly later...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Hi all, will post later, too darn busy, but just saying Good Morning and happy day.

[kmb22]

Edit

[bus1851]

Hello everyone,

My wife and I packed up Marleys clothes this morning. The pain and sorrow of that moment when I closed the box was worse than when we closed the casket. I felt like we had committed a crime and were disposing of the evidence. I know I will never forget her but every move forward I make tells me that I am forgetting her little by little. My heart is so heavy and I long for my daughter with every breath. She would have been 8 months old this Friday. This pain will never go away will it? We still have her toys, crib, and bassinet to pack up but her clothes were the last real reminder for me of my sweet little girl. I would go in her room and smell her clothes regularly and now that there packed I have lost another connection to her. I miss her so much and I hurt more every day.

Daddy loves you Marley

CJ

[shorty16]

CJ - The pain WILL be less over time, but you will never stop missing her. There are so many emotions that happen to us in the first 2 years of this grief journey. It is hard to even put words to them. But the physical pain does become less - I am living proof of that.

The guilt, for me, took so much longer to deal with than the physical pain. Like Greg posted to me once "You will bang your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore." When the guilt stops is a personal thing. For me, it took 2.5 years to forgive myself.

Hang on my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[bus1851]

I don't know if it's just me but TIME becomes the most important variable after losing a child. You have to wait for time to pass, time heals all wounds, time will tell, time to move on etc.....It seems like so long ago that I lost my daughter yet it feels like yesterday. I hurt so much like I have been missing her my entire life but she has only been gone for 2 months and 16 days. The days after the accident feel like the distant past but the pain will not dull. I wish I could go back in time to change events so I could change the outcome of that terrible day. Every day I am just surviving til the next day and so on and so on. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I want time to go buy so the pain will go away but I am afraid that as time goes by Marleys memory will fade. Time is in control of my life and no matter what I do I can't influence it. I just want time to fly so I can be with my daughter again.

Daddy loves you Marley

[briansdad]

I found this song and I know It's a little late for Mothers Day but it's too beautiful not to share.I think of all of you everyday.

We went to the lake over the holiday weekend. Brian's baby got to go and her and I were out in the boat and had a butterfly land on the boat.I asked Alyssa to see if it would climb on her finger,which it did.I then asked her to see if she could give it a kiss and I'll be darned if it didn't let her kiss it. It the rode about 3 or 4 miles @ 45mph in our boat riding on Alyssa's finger.When we got to the resort he just took off. I guess he wanted a ride. I have the kiss on video. I'll post it when I can. Anyway here is the link to the great song.

Peace my friends,

Greg

[westleysmom]

Greg-It sounds like you had a wonderful day with Alyssa. I would love to see the kiss picture. Thanks for the song, made me cry.

Nicks Dad-Good luck with it. I'll have to figure out how to do the Pepsi thing, since I don't do FB. Your's is a great idea. It would be awful not to be able to get a marker for your child.

Carol and Karen-I'm glad you were not in harm's way.

CJ-I'm so sorry. I haven't been forced to deal with Westley's personal belongings in his room yet. I haven't even closed his checking account. I know that's crazy. I was at the bank in person today and just the thought of it almost made me sick to my stomach. It was one of those accounts where you don't get a service charge, so it has the same balance it had the day after he died. He stopped at the store on the way to his friend's house and bought something (probably a coke or pack of cigs) on his debit card. It cleared the next day. I still have the check he wrote me a few days before for his car payment that month. He misspelled my name. Its in the console of my car and every now and then I get it out and turn it over where the writing shows and look at it. This is a sad life my friend. Terrible things happen and we dont' know why. Its not all sad, but here lately, more sad than not. Hugs to you as you trudge through the sadness.

[daveydow1]

Colleen---I know what you mean about the other kids growing up, while dear Brian will always be 16. My duaghter,

(who is 6 yrs. younger than Davey) 'passed him up' in age.....she is now 33. It is something that just causes

a pain to the heart......the natural passing of time that none of us can do anything about, but hurts all the same.

I, too, like the church festivals in the summer months.

Dee---The colors you picked out for the house painting job sound so very nice. I'm sure you will like the new

look. The pale butter yellow reminds me of a house I used to pass on my way to work. It was that same

color, and they had a short section of white picket fence at the front with tall delphiniums in purple/blue growing

behind the fence, with the lovely yellow of the house as a backdrop. Made such a beautiful sight. I haven't seen

any hummingbird moths yet this summer.......but have been battling bees/wasps/hornets who just seem to want

to nest by the house anywhere.......hate that ! (my husband is allergic to bee stings).

Betty-----Glad to see you here. I picked a bouquet of peonies for the table today. They are so pretty, and BIG. Three

stems made a large bouquet.......pink, and dk. wine colors in a glass vase.

Carol------Glad that your area escaped tornadoes. Yep---It certainly is scary when a warning comes over the t.v./radio.

Rhonda-----I had a lump in my throat when I read that you have not yet closed West's checking account.......hard thing to

do, I know. I had to go to the bank to close Davey's account out.....he was killed the day after he deposited his paycheck.

The check West wrote you for his car payment ....you still have it. So difficult of a thing. I'm so sorry. You said that he

misspelled your name......which makes it all the more dear to you in ways. I found a birthday card that Dave gave me

that had a few little kittens on the front, and said "FROM BOTH OF US".......I'm sure he just liked the kittens, and didn't

pay any attention to the wording on the front, since he was not with anyone at that time. I've kept all the cards that he

gave me in a folder. They are dear to me. I think that the check will also be dear to you....because he wrote it, and

signed it. These small things......although they make us shed a tear, and tug at our hearts, are treasures to us. Peace

and comfort, my friend.

Tony ----Wishing you luck with the move to your new home.

CJ-----So very sorry that your heart is aching so, with the packing up of your darling baby's clothing. Although we feel that

with time, our memories will fade, and we will forget our children who left this world too soon, we can't forget.....remember,..the love

we have for them will always keep their memory with us. Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

WELL TOOK KODY TO HIS LIVER SPECIALIST TODAY IN OKC....LIVER ENZYME LEVELS ARE NORMAL AND HE HAS LOST SOME WEIGHT DOC WAS VERY HAPPY WITH US ALL...THANK YOU GOD...FOR YAL THAT DONT NO KODY HAS FATTY LIVER ...HE TAKES VIT E FOR IT AND NEEDS TO LOSS ABOUT 15 MORE PDS..B4 DEC

[westleysmom]

Yay, Kody! keep up the good work.

Sherry-I have the cards and things in a box in my room. But when it happened, the check was still in the console and I never took it out. The card from Davey that said from both of us, I'm sure that brings a smile to your face every time you see it. I love peonies, but as I've mentioned, I have a black thumb, so none here.

[bealison]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Do_not_stand_at_my_grave_and_weep

Amazing story behind a poem that touches us all

I will try to remember:

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush.

The waking up every day, it's about ten seconds before I realize again she's gone, is always the worst part of the day....and after 3 long years, she's now taken up residence in my dreams...which should be comforting but is just sad....

best description ever of this feeling (from Spanish/portuguese) saudade (google it -- you will relate)

[bealison]

The smell is so powerful, isn't it? A well-meaning but misguided family member cleaned out her room the morning she died. I have a dress, blanket, and sofa cushion. I keep them wrapped in plastic and now, three years later, I will still occasionally unwrap for a sniff. Rockets me right back.