Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

LorrI

You and your family were and still are in my thoughts during the terrible weather you had.

So sad about the family that lost 2 little boys - I will pray for them.

Love, Love Love the name Elle Mae. What a cutie.

We, also give our pets 2 names: Iggy Ross, Cloe Belle, Tootsie Rose,(all cats) and Copper the Great (dog). Those are our pets names.

Copper was Brian's dog.

YES CRAZY WEATHER THANK YAL FOR THINKING OF US...WERE SAFE WE HAVE CELLAR AND MAKE GOOD USE OF IT...ELLE MAE CAN SCREAM OH MY LIKE A KITTEN WITH HER TAIL IN THE DOOR, WOWWIE...

WE NOW HAVE 4 SHITZUS, AVERY 7 PRINCESS 7, PIXIELU 13 AND THE BB..SHES AN IMPERIAL SHITZU SUPPOSE "" TO BE SMALL 9 PDS OR SO...I PD $280 FOR HER..OR AKA AS FAR AS MONTY NOZ $150...

GREAT GIFT FROM BRIAN... FOR SURE

[Crystal Rogerson]

Oh, Colleen

Thank you so very very much! I couldn't breathe at the thought of not having access to you all. This is my safe place. And I appreciate all of you for the support received here. Not just for me, but for each person who is here. Such comfort and encouragement to be found here for any who seek it.

Blessings to all who are effected with bad weather. My heart hurts for the mom who lost 2 children. Alot of healing will have to be done in those places.

Here's hoping each and everyone of you has a great weekend.

Love & Light

Crystal-Meg's mom

Megs Mom

Just ask the Administrators on this site to e-mail you your password and user name to this site.

I have had to do that on several occasions and the Administrators here are very helpful.

After our company switched to a different server, I was unable to access this site. I talked with my manager and told him how important is was that I get to this site during the day. This allows me to calm myself.

Just ask for help from us and we will help. We are always here for you - Always.

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Rhonda----Sorry to hear of uncle Joe's death. It was kind of your husband to build

the ramp...I'm sure that his uncle appreciated it even if he didn't get a chance to use it . Also,

so good that your husband will be supporting the family by being a pall bearer. (Hope he finds

a new suit......my husband is not a 'suit 'person' either). Hoping that the storms in your area

will subside. They've slowed down a bit here.

Lorri-----So sad.......the two little boys who died in the tornadoes. Prayers for the family.

Cute little dog......Elle Mae. She was, no doubt, so scared during the storm. My cat runs

for the closet when it thunders & storms.

Don't have much to say tonight.......just a bit bummed out. Peace & comfort to all in the BI family.

Davey&Lisasmom., Sherry

[ericasmom]

]Wow, sadness Lorri about those boys,,,so many prayers for the parents and family.

Cute pup.

How is Kody doing now that he is a graduate?

Rhonda, I am glad that Uncle has no more worries, and I think it so nice that the ramp was made, as though it was his road to heaven...

Crystal Meg's Mom, I know that I go through withdrawl when I cannot access folks here in the day. After school begins each late summer, I am often too busy to jump on here and check in, but I find a rhythm eventually. I hope that you will be able to find a way as well to find us in the work day.

Sherry, I am glad that you were not socked with storms. GArdens in? What did you guys plant?

[lolynbo]

KODYS FINE, WE HAVENT GOT TO RACE LATELY LIL BIT OF BAD LUCK WITH TRANNIES AND CLUTCH PROB...BUT WE RACE TOM NIGHT, THEIR TESTING THE CAR RIGHT NOW....OTHER THEN THAT I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET HIM TO GET A JOB, BUT WE GO TO CITY THURSDAY FOR BLOOD WORK TO MAKE SURE LIVER IS ALL DOING GOOD, HE HAS WENT FROM 249 TO 232 SO I THINK DOC WILL BE PLEASED....

AS I TOLD YAL THERE IS A NASCAR TRK HERE IN ARD (NASCAR TRUCK TEAM AS WELL AS TRUCK) AND MONTY WENT ON A POKER RUN THE OTHER DAY AND THE TRUCK OWNER SAID HE NEEDS TO GET KODY IN THAT TRUCK TO RUN SOME ASPHALT LAPS TO SEE HOW HE DOES.....GOD IF THAT WOULD HAPPEN AND KODY DID WELL, AND THEY LET HIM DRIVE....OUR FOOT AND DREAMS WOULD BE IN THE DOOR....BUT WE SEE IF HE DOES WHAT HE SAYS....HI HOPE HERE, SO PRAY THAT HAPPENS FOR KODY, HE ALWAYS CHATTED WITH THIS GUYS WIFE WHILE I WLD BE WAITING FOR THE KIDS (GIRLS) AT SCHOOL AND THEY WLD TALK ABOUT NASCAR AND THE TRUCK HE ALWAYS TOLD HER HE WAS GOING TO DRIVE NASCAR WHEN HE GOT OLDER...SO WLDNT IT BE GREAT IF IT ALL CAME ABOUT...?

[ericasmom]

Morning All, It is rainy again, and cloudy, but warmer than yesterday which is good, just don't know how the garden will fare if we have huge rains again, right now things are fine.

Glad that Kody may get that chance Lorri, and my thoughts will be surrounding him to find what it is that will make him most joyous.

Going to run errands, check in with everyone later. Love and hope,

dee

[shorty16]

Goog Morning my friends

Scott and I had a great time last night. Wisconsin has many Church Festvals and this weekend started them. We saw the band Rythym Method, Classic Rock. They are awesome. We were in the Front Row.

Almost 3 years down this road of grief, I now realize that the days leading up to angelversaries and birthdays can be worse than the day itself. But that does not stop the anxiety and sadness that over take us.

I am trying not to stress myself out, but WOW, it is hard.

Meg's Mom - You are very welcome. We have several computers in our home and when I use a different one, I have to re-enter my password. The admins here are very helpful and I totally get it. I also need this site during the day and my company was kind enough to allow this chat room.

Thinking of all my friends today. Wish the sun was shining.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Oh errands are going to wait a moment while husband does something else, usually we errand on our own, different errands, but today we are going to look for paint colors in which to have the house painted...we'll see how we agree. Usually we do on color, not always. When we last had this house painted it was in 2002. My Momma died during that period of weeks of painting. There was that daily chaos of painters, I was teaching a morning summer school class and then my Mom got sicker. My parents had disowned me when Eri was born because I would not allow my dad near my daughter...sexual abuser that he is, so they let me go. It was that time then, that summer when we knew she would not be living much longer that I had to make a decision to either go see her or not. I had not been inside those walls for over 18 years by the time I walked through them then, what a strange and other worldly moment to re-enter ones home as a stranger. Anyhow, she did recognize me that first day of 5 or 6 that I went to sit with her before she died. The hardest part was being near my dad, but I have not seen him since her funeral and do not plan to. He is 89 or 90 and just keeps on living. Devils don't die, but I guess my mommma is on my mind as I wore her earring twice this week wanting something of hers near me, tangible things.

So anyway, we chose a green for the house back then and may again I don't know, I love greens, but over time it has changed to a minty-ish color, which is not at all what I like on this house, plus it is peeling like a sunburn. So we need to put down the bucks and have it done again.

Yesterday was the gorgeously executed MEMORIAL SERVICE we do at our school each year. The fifth graders do all of the speeches, poems, songs, and playing of music. beautiful. I cry very hard every year at this lovely commemoration of soldiers. Many parents and teachers grab from the tissue box that I carry to the event. Happily we were able to have it outdoors as it did not rain. LOVELY.

I have been hit with a huge cold as have many teachers and students. Yikes, it comes with a heaping dose of exhaustion and so I have been here less posting as I am dulled by the cold. HOpefully, I can kick it out of me soon. Getting better.

[lolynbo]

I HAD SHARED ON FB THAT I HAD REMEMBERED THE MORNING OF KOURTNEYS FUNERAL I WOKE UP WITH THAT SONG IN MY HEAD..."SMILE ON ME SUNSHINE , UP WITH THE WORLD ITS A SKIPPIDY DO DA DAY, IM THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE USA".......WHY IN THE HELL WLD I WAKE UP TO THAT ON MY SWEET DAUGHTERS FUNERAL....AS U NO I DONT LISTEN TO THAT TYPE OF MUSIC EITHER AND HADNT HEARD IT IN FOREVER....AND I DONT THINK KOURTNEY EVER HEARD IT.....JUST WONDER NOW WHY I EVEN HAD IT IN MY HEART AND HEAD???

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: I know it sounds crazy...but we here are all used to "crazy," aren't we... and perhaps it was your sweet Kourtney telling you she was indeed "the happiest girl" as she was now with her Savior...I know that you have posted before about how you believe Kourtney is in heaven now, etc., but I hope I haven't offended you by suggesting that this was perhaps why this song was running through your head.

I too wish Kody luck with this future...may he find himself on the path he was meant to be on...if that path is car racing, then so be it...blessings to him and prayers for his feet to be on whatever path of joy is his destiny in life. Prayers too for the little ones who left this world during the tornado, and for all of those affected by this disaster. So very glad that you all have a storm cellar and happy that you made it through ok.

Dee: So sorry you are having a cold infiltrate your body; hope you are feeling better soon...good luck with the paint color selection...Ralph and I have realized that "color" is something he is better off just allowing someone else to decide on some selections and letting him pick from those selected few. Saves a LOT of time. One thing he always wanted on our old house was for it to be painted white with black trim...just wouldn't work for us there...our whole are was a "natural" wooded setting and a white house just didn't fit. He is happy now...our house we are in now is aluminum siding and is white with black shutters and trim. Personally, I prefer a color, but am very happy with this home, so I try to make the best of it by putting some color in the yard. I can't imagine the feelings that ran through your heart when you walked into your momma's house after 18 years of being away. I find it a true miracle that you are the well-adjusted, happy, optimistic person that you are---a true blessing to the world. Both you and Susannah are true examples of how we can choose our own path, no matter our past...we can move forward and be joyous and blessed. I am glad that not much damage was done to your garden...didn't it suffer a lot of damage last year, as well?

Sherry: Glad you got some planting in...we don't have room here for much, just tomatoes in a planter, but they usually do well. Happy that you were not hit by those storms, too.

Betty: FORTY FIVE BLOCKS!!! I've only been to New York once, and if I remember correctly, New York city blocks are pretty long...you must have been exhausted! So glad you made it safely home.

Rhonda: Even though he didn't get to use it, it was so very nice for your hubby to build the ramp for his uncle. I hope it doesn't sadden hubby too much. We were organizing for a ramp to be built for Mike, but then he was confined to bed, and we knew then it was a very short time left. I was hoping to "wear it out" with use, but that was not to be. Your hubby is a very kind person.

Karen: thinking of you and holding you close.

Colleen: So glad that you and Scott had a nice time. Glad also that Scott seems to be opening up and talking about Brian somewhat. Sending a hug to yhou, my sweet friend, holding you close.

I haven't been posting much this past couple of days...having a hard time for some weird reason...I am missing Mike so very much, and it seems that the main thought surrounding those feelings is that I will never see him again on this earth. So many plans for the future, never to be realized...so many things that were supposed to happen...simple things, like watching him grow as a dad, sharing his family with him and not having to be the family for his family. We do feel blessed that we are able to be such a significant part of his family, seeing his kids often, watching them grow and develop, but still, wishing so much that he were here to see it all and we could watch him "seeing it all." I know that he surrounds all of us always---if I didn't have that wonderful reassurance, I would surely lose what's left of my mind. But every now and then, and this seems to be the "now," I just long so much to SEE him, HEAR him, TOUCH him. Damon was here yesterday, and we took him to Friendly's for lunch...a difficult choice, as he is a "vet-narian" (vegetarian) as he likes to say. But, they do have mac and cheese, which is a favorite of his, so off we went. While there, they came out with a big, colorful bunch of balloons just blown up and let them float to the ceiling for kids to pick one on the way out. We were way over in the far corner of the restaurant, and were discussing all the colors and how pretty they looked, etc. Damon selected his favorite...blue, of course, and decided that was what he would get...but couldn't decide which shade as there were three shades to choose from. As we were talking, one of the balloons started drifting down...Damon noticed it first and said it was a "space landing" and laughed about it, as it continued on its slow descent. No one else seemd to take notice of it, but we watched it as It stopped just short of the floor, rested a bit then rose up again, drifted over to a booth, went into the seat, rested again, drifted back out to the floor, drifted over to another table, onto the seat, onto the floor again, and then a little one nearby saw it and came over and got it. The color of the balloon was light blue. My heart was sobbing, but the smile on my face had to stay there to enjoy the moment....the moments we are so blessed with, and yet my heart longs so for the reality of "what was supposed to be." We walked to the car, Damon holding onto his light blue balloon, and me holding onto memories.

[kmb22]

Edit

[ericasmom]

Karen, yes, those services are sweet, very special indeed. Hey, I wanted aluminum siding, thought in the long run, it would save us a bundle, but hus says no, so...we narrowed our hunt for colors to 4 different combinations. I forgot how opposite we were when it comes to grays and greens. He likes bluish greens, I like much more yellowy greens, he likes blueish grays and I like more browny grays. So narrowing to 4 was actually a huge jump when one considers that we started at opposite ends of the color spectrum. I don't know why, I love blues of all kinds for clothing adn for all that is in nature, but I don't like it on wall surfaces or the house color. I guess I need some warm colors to make it inviting to me, blues as accents though. Carol, I am glad, the best of both worlds, a house you no longer have to paint, and Ralphs colors.

Potted a few more deck plants with some babys breath and small dahlias and salvia and african daisy. Pretty, with asoft accent from the licorice plant and a pop of color from red velvet coleus.

Yep, I agree with Carol Lorri, Kourt may just be singing you awake so that you wake up knowing she is right there and blessed in happiness.

Karen, I have had more than my usual share of colds this year and last. I am unsure if that speaks to my immune system or if it is a whole new batch of virus that we have not yet been exposed to and being in third grade, I am exposed on an enormous level. I also have kids that come to school sick more often, and that speaks to parents unable to jepardize their jobs by staying home to watch their sick kids. Either way, mucinex every twelve hours is helping me start to feel much better.

I wish us all a peaceful long weekend with extra doses of love and prayer for those most in need. While our prayers are not always able to be answered, I stil believe that our prayers are good energy surrounding the people we pray for. Extra prayers for Davis and his friend and their family.

[lolynbo]

Yep, I agree with Carol Lorri, Kourt may just be singing you awake so that you wake up knowing she is right there and blessed in happiness

yal it was JUST WEIRD THAT I WLD WAKE UP WITH THAT IN MY HEAD ON ONE OF THE SADDEST DAYS OF MY LIFE...BUT YES I BELIEVE SO

[2 Angels in Heaven]

"HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY VANESSA....BLESS YOUR FAMILY TODAY AND EVERY DAY..."

Lorri, Thank You for remembering Vanessa's Birthday!

[westleysmom]

Lori-I'm sorry I missed wishing Vanessa a happy heavenly birthday on her actual birthday. I know this has been a hard month for you and you still have another birthday to go. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

[ericasmom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VANESSA, may your spirit be filled with the love of your family, fly freely with your Sweet Sister. Swoop in and let those at home know that you are near.

[lolynbo]

LORI, NO THANKS NEEDED...JUST NO EVEN IF WE DONT SAY OR WE SAY LATE WE CARE SO VERY VERY MUCH...

[Guest msnher]

No time to catch up on posts right now, just letting you all know I'm in Iowa visiting my youngest daughter. Life is good. I'll catch up later. Much love and light!

[ericasmom]

Sus, so glad taht you are with your Girl. Are the kids with you or did you fly solo?

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hey everybody. I just wanted to stop in and say hi. Happy Heavenly B-Day to Vanessa.

It has been a rough day today. We go up north every Memorial Day, but this year we could not do it without Brendan. Instead I just made the mistake of going to a party at our friends house. Of course it is the parent of one of Brendan's best friends so everybody had their kids there and they were all friends with Brendan. I had to watch them swim, play baseball, kickball, tag, basketball, ride bikes, ride scooters etc. What a punch in the guts that was. It is one thing to see one or two of Brendan's friends at a time, but having 15 to 20 of them at one party was too much for me. I finally just told my wife that I needed to get out of there. She is still at the party and getting a ride home with a friend. I cried all the way home and now I am sitting on my porch drinking beer as fast as I can. Brendan has been gone for nearly 6 months. I can't believe how much his friends have changed and grown. I just wonder how much Brendan would have changed by now. I feel like God keeps punishing me. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I am so tired of feeling this way. I am so tired of being so sad. I am so tired of watching all these other parents with their kids? Why were our kids taken away? Why weren't our kids saved? Where is my miracle? Where is Brendan's miracle. This new life sucks and I am tired of it. Brendan is all I think about. Every second of every day. I miss my boy so much.

Sorry for being a downer. I just needed to get some emotions out.

Wishing you all peace and love.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[aim630]

I haven't been on here much lately.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Vanessa!!!

Lori-Sorry I missed it.

Dee-Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Being around young children exposes you to more viruses. One of the girls at work was home throwing up, and my boss told her she should have come in sick.

Had a long visit with one of Ashley's friends the other day. That was nice.

Will try to catch up later...

Amy/ Ashley's mom

[shorty16]

Tony

This path we are on is the most difficult thing any of us has ever had to go through. I too could not go to parties where Brian's friends would be. They are men now and my Brian is forever 16.

Please be kind to yourself. The first year of this grief is full of physical pain, emotional turmoil, and exhaustion. There is no easy way to get around this - we must travel through it.

I wish I had the words to make you feel better, but there are no words. I still miss Brian, but I am stronger than I was at the 6 month mark. The physical pain does subside, but we will always miss our kids.

Now you know your limits. Respectfully bow-out the next time a party like this is planned. It is OK that your wife can go, but you do not need to put yourself through this pain. We need to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves permission to grieve without putting undue stress or pain in our path.

Thanks for the card. I have the same little boy with the golden heart. It was given to me by another family who lost a son. I just wanted to pass-it-forward.

I work with a man who knows your brother. Tom Servias who also lost a son to brain cancer - nice man.

Take care my friend. Hang on.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Tony, as Colleen said, you find where your limits are, being among so many at one time is something that you do not feel comfortable within, that is okay. For some it is a comfort to be around the children of our lost Child, and for others it is way too much. Time may change that, and may not and you only will find that out with time. I know getting home was important for you, it was good that you were able to leave and to have a bit of time at home alone to relieve some pressure with us. It feels like God is punishing you but this is not God's hand, this loss was an accident, perhaps the miracles are yet to come, and perhaps the miracle is the life you had with Brendan, but nothing can save you this pain, it is yours to stand and walk through, to cry through, to find your steps through, and you are Tony, but nights like this make it feel as though you are not, or that you don't want to. Please hang on and know that we all 'get' that nagging feeling; that this life is not ever going to be good, we all felt that, and we all are here to say that there are many wonderful reasons to stay in this life. Life hurts so very much right now, but I swear that you will not always hurt this way, it will get softer and that will not mean you are forgetting your Son. You will never forget your Son, nor will he ever stop loving you. He is with you, right there in a realm beyond our vision and touch but right there loving you. He is rooting for you Tony. I pray that you sleep tonight and dream sweetly.

Amy, glad that you had a good visit with Ashley's friend. And it is unbelievable that your boss wanted your coworker to go into work ill, that makes sense hu? Yes I am feeling better, Mucinex and rest and a lot of water and some moderate exercise to release some endorphins...getting better -but going to bed now to snuggle with the book I am reading and fall asleep, I hope. There are lots of sirens going on which turn my stomach into knots. Rainy night and many folks on the road drinking...not a good mix. Prayers.

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning guys,

Rich and I were going to drive downtown to Arlington National Cemetery today. I'm not sure I have it in me .... fighting some muck that's settled in my chest.

A lot of Jay's friends are camping at The Cove this weekend. One of his best friends, just had baby #2. We went to Dallas last weekend and my close friend was really distance ...... didn't understand why. Did I so something? It started before we arrived, obvious she wanted us in a hotel not at her house. The world as I know it has gone weird on me!

I'm missing our boy ......

That "miss" that has become such a part of my everyday life but can still bring me to my knees at times. ~ heavy, heavy sigh ~~~~

Oh well, life does go on even when we don't have the energy for it! I'm baking Peanut Butter & Jelly bars to take along with dinner to the new babies home. Once again celebrating life ......... but, in a happy sad way.

I am grateful to all the brave men and women who have given their lives to protect our freedom. May the universe be blessed!

Love!

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Happy Belated Birthday Vanessa

Carol I am so sorry that the missing has come calling Maybe it is the spring. summer when life is blooming and our sweet children are not here. So glad you saw your special sign and I love that Dameon is a Vegetarian. He is an independent thinker.!! as well as charming.

Dear Bonnie, I do hear you Yes my world has changed in the same fashion but as you do, I do try to continue to celebrate life. It is with a sad knowing heart, the days are long and the missing hard. It was so great to see Jason's warm smile today.

Dee Hope the paint shopping went well. Home Depot or Lowes are a bit threatening to me. Ilike the color you selected. Hope you are enjoying the weekend.

Sherry I am sorry you are a bit down thinking of you.

It is Fleet Week here in the City Going to the Intrepid Museum today in honor to those who gave so much

I hope all my Indigo Family know how precious they are and be gentle with themselves this weekend.

Colleen,Lorri, Lori, Sharon, Rhonda, Crystal, Tony, Betsy, Amy, Karen, Sus and all Indigos in my thoughts

[ericasmom]

Hi Betty and Yes, Bonnie, so good to see you and to see Jason's bright eyes, though I am sorry that you are sad. When you say muck has settled, do you mean the emotional muck or this ugly cold that settled and is being chased out of my chest? I know that the distance you felt from your friend must be hard to understand...has she given any verbal reasons? Life does go on even when we are too tired or too worn out for it. I am with you on honoring our soldiers, each and every.

Fog is rolling in not on cats feet but by truckloads, it is litterally clouding the windows, we are to have warming temps and more rain, of course there is fog, there is more moisture than can be held so the clouds are on the ground.

Wishes adn hopes to All, on this Memorial Sunday

[Guest msnher]

I have read the posts and just am at a loss for words. Not typical for me, I know. A party with friends where all of Branden's friends play, carefree. I might have tried to make an appearance as well and I'm sure I would have had to leave. Or, I might have found comfort in being around those children. So Unpredictable, this grief journey.

I found myself missing having a mother about a month ago. It is odd that at age 52 I would find myself wishing I had a maternal influence I could lean on. I've never missed having a father. Mine was evil enough I just didn't want one. I was 33yrs old, however, when I let go of the dream that someday my mother would be able to be one. I always saw her as the victim. Oddly enough, I vowed at a very young age that I would never let a man hit me, the way my father hit her. I blamed her and felt responsible for her. Hell, she told us it was our fault so obviously I felt responsible.

I am at a place, today - this moment (subject to change without notice), where I realize the hope of the future belongs to the young. I have faith in their ability to dream and act on their dreams. My dreams are no longer "what I want to be when I grow up". My dreams are now trying to be present, remember to shut up and listen instead of anxiously waiting to get to tell my story...listening to someone else's story. My joy comes when all 11 grandchildren yell "Grandma" and run to me when I walk in the room.

Today I know all too well that life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people, the worst thing that can happen does happen to some and not others. I know there are no answers, in this lifetime, that will make sense of this life. I know the sheer power of grief. It no longer frightens me. I no longer want to take away another's saddness...I want to just be able to help carry it. I want to remember to give thanks for those who help carry mine.

We are in Iowa with all 11 grandchildren (from my side - Gary has three that are not here). Little 3yr old Kaylee was overwhelmed with all the kids and being around aunts and uncles she didn't know very well. She stuck close to Grandma. She talked a mile a minute as she and I drove back to the hotel from Aunt Jenni's house. She announced she was going to be 27 "tomorrow. I'm not 3 tomorrow." Once again she commented on the "broken trees" that she saw earlier in the day. As we drove past she voiced her concern with passion. "Grandma, those trees are broken! They're bleedin'! We need to go back and fix them." I explained we could not fix them and she said, "But, they're bleeding!" I told her it's sad that they're broken. "Yes! It sads me!"

Out of the mouth of babes.

As a child - and a good part of my adulthood - trees were for climbing. They were shade from the sun. I began feeling a connection to trees when my grandchildren were kidnapped from me. After the incident with the bright light - hugging me. I stood outside one morning staring mindlessly at the bark of a tree in our yard. Thinking there were stories in thick bark. Cracks, wrinkles, lines...strength. I couldn't help but reach out and touch its huge trunk. Was it my imagination that energy shot through that palm of my hand from the tree? Possibly. However, since that morning I find myself often reaching out to the wisdom in the tree.

Does my little granddaughter already know the power of trees? Does she intuitively know of their strength, their life?

Tony - I imagine you have quite the headache today. Sweet father of Brendan...grief is so powerful. Close your eyes and imaging Brendan flying over Jackson in his dreams, telling him what his future cousin should be named. Know that he also flies over you and his sweet mother, but the pain of his absence is greater than the fact of his presence....and, so he speaks through the innocence of his brother. I hope you will be patient with Michelle's ability to be around the other children. It doesn't mean she doesn't miss her son just as much, it means she feels closer to him in their presence. Forgive me for speaking so boldly - - or don't forgive me, I have to quit telling people what to do!

Carol - You have been hit with so much in such a short time. You are not old enough to be my mother by a long shot, but if I could choose a mother I would want one like you. Compassionate feminine woman who feels the pain of others...the fear of others...the anxiety of others. Nurturer by nature, it must be impossible for you not to carry the burden of all the sadness on your shoulders...and, there certainly is a lot of sadness. In your own life and in the life of the world as a whole. The feminine power within you groans in agony as the children of planet earth suffer. It is not within you to allow suffering around you without trying to fix it...and, yet, some things can't be fixed...not in this life...that, in itself, is enough to add to your burden. Cry out to your God, Carol...he is the only one capable of lifting your burden enough to make it bearable. The light of the universe looks to you to wail for its children, so it can refill your cup with strength. The epitome of feminine energy...that is you, my friend! Very powerful and yet so gentle.

Lori - I missed Vanessa's birthday. I apologize. Steph's birthday was hard on me...how are you holding up?

Karen - How's your body healing from the mowing incident?

Well, I guess I had more to say than I realized. Don't I always? I love you all more than words can say. Hold on all you who find yourselves hurting so terribly.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends,

We were lazy yesterday, too lazy. But I need to give my self permission to be lazy and not feel like a bum.

Bonnie - good to see Jason's face. Sorry you are sad, that does tend to creep up on us and grap us and not let go.

Sus - I love reading your posts. So happy you have grandchildren - I am a wanna-be. I want grandchildren so bad, but my daughter is only 21 and just broke up with her boyfriend. None in my future for a while.

I have been thinking of all of our service men and women who gave their lives so we can do what we want and be anything we want. What a gift they gave us.

Colleen

[westleysmom]

I made it through the service for Joe yesterday with just a few tears. It was a military service, and Taps and presenting the flag always brings me to tears. And being Memorial Day weekend made it even more emotional for me and probably everybody there. I thank all the service people now and in the past who have fought and died for our freedom and those who fought and lived, which in some cases was probably the harder of the two. Joe was a welder in Viet Nam, my husband said that he had to weld metal together for landing strips in the jungle, so helicopters and planes could land there. He had talked to Chris about it some, about how scared he was and I've heard him say that he flew back home in a cargo plane, bundled up in a corner, trying to will himself back home. What did Susannah say, courage is being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.

CJ is here for my granddaughter's birthday part here. I was feeling like I couldn't do it, but today I'm feeling better. I hope I can make it though without a meltdown. I'll give you an update when I can. I hope your day is good.

[sadmomm]

Hello Indigos

Susahnah I love your blog you remind me of the person i used to be. You are so sensitive so loving so kind. I have always loved your blog you are so real. pulled up from the pain.. I am not myself. have been smoking since the accident but my choices to move were not smart should have taken care of my son. instead. Gosh his vibrance and acute personality will be forever forever missed not forgotten

Tony. Your pain is so real. I know for me at first it was not real. the funeral not so real. but as time went on the 6 months things became real. horribly real. and at 1 year 3 months it doesn't get better for me. Last night i drank some beer was able to sleep without a sleeping pill. For me i am at turmoil with my choices of moving. not taking care of him. wasting money not giving him any wanted him to grow up what a mistake. perhaps he was always going to be less grown up. we needed to pay more attention. as i am sure you feel anything but this. I am sorry.. I cannot take away the pain all the thoughts. the foreverness. I am not big into god. though i believed more before this happened. how could this happen?? they are our priceless gifts... i just want you to know we are all feeling this terrible journey you are not alone. though you are.. each of our children was unique... and yess it is unbelievable unfathonable. I truly hate this ... also..

So glad you are all here to talk to it eases it a bit

carrie

[ericasmom]

Susannah, my dreams are similar, trying and sometimes-quite often in fact, I fail miserably, to live in the moment, this, when it is practiced and learned and ingrained is a state of grace. I wanted many things when I was young, and I chose roads that took me to opposite ends of those dreams and fantasies, but the one thing I asked God and all spiritual energy for when I became a Mom, was to raise Good Humans. Please God, let me raise Good Humans to make this place kinder, better. That wish-hope-prayer-is honored, I did raise two great humans, one an angel now. And ;my hopes are mirrored in the students that pass through my classroom eac h year, I do believe that they have it within them to lead this world into a peaceful existence, a greener existence with respect to all the entities that we build our lives upon. When I am able to still my worry mechanism, I find joy in th etiniest of miracles, and that too is what we often overlook while looking for th ebig miracles, those tiny ones embedded in the day, each day. Let us open our hearts and spirits to those, taking note of the particular way a bird sings right after a downpour, which I will do as soon as this downpour ends. Holy Cow, rain that is unbelievable, ark building kind of rains. The yard is once again filling the way a pool might, increments measurably higher by the hour. John is going out to set the little pump. The weekend that was supposed to be partly rainy and partly not, so far has been fully rainy. Sus, if you are in Iowa still, you are experiencing some of this. I am glad that you are having time with your Grandies, such sweet conversations that will fill you on your quietest days. I love that your little one knows that trees hurt too. And yes, that there is so much magic in those ancient limbs.

Carrie, so good to know you are out there finding your way. Good to see your name and read your posts.Keep on truckin'.

[bus1851]

Hello everyone,

Busy packing, will be moving June 15th. I have a lot of mixed emotions: sad about leaving our home and excited about building a new one. We have not gotten to Marley's room, I think we both are scared to box up her belongings. I feel torn between the real now world and the 2months and 24 days ago world. Packing her clothes away feels like we are trying to remove her from our lives and run away. The finality of the moment when we leave and will never return scares me. My mind is so clouded with doubt along with the sadness of missing my little baby, whats left of my heart hurts all the time. I wish I had my little girl back. Daddy loves you Marley.

CJ

[lolynbo]

KATHY IS HAVING TROUBLE SIGNING ON IF ANYONE CAN HELP HER VIA FB OR ON BI PRIVATE MESSAGE...WLD BE SWEET ..THANK YOU

[ericasmom]

CJ, I can only imagine how hard it is thinking of moving adn putting it into action, though I do think too that the move could be a very good thing for all of you. Marley will be with you, but packing her room will be hard. I wonder if it might be good for all of you, including the kids start the process together. Maybe have them come in and choose one thing that they would like to have in their new bedroom that can stay with them. After they help some, maybe the two of you can finish. Remember, storing Marley's things is okay, you needn't give them away or donate them now. You may want to just pack them for now. They perhaps can stay in a storage are of your new home. I wish you strength for the journey, and enough love to carry you into the next day and the next. She is with you, sitting with you as you tackle yet another huge milestone on this journey.

Peace one day CJ.

Watched Sixty minutes tonight and cried and cried as they told the sad story of ourservicemen on a mission in Afghanistan, and the doomed nature of their position, and the investigation into the orders that took them to so dangerous a spot. Sweet Jesus, we love the warrior, hate the war.

dee

[ericasmom]

THE SUN IS HERE! Predicting temps in the 90's...going to get a bike ride in before those temps find me.

A pretty day to Everyone.

[lolynbo]

THERE ARE MANY HEROS IN THE WORLD SOLDIERS, SAILORS, FIREMAN, POLICEMAN,UNSPOKEN HEROS, BUT MY HERO IS KOURTNEY LYNN- AS SHE FOUGHT A FIGHT SO MANY PPL CAN NOT WIN, KOURTNEY WAS A REAL SOLDIER AND A REAL HERO TO ME...I MISS YOU SWEET ANGEL SO VERY MUCH...YOUR FIGHT IS OVER

GONNA BE A HOT ONE HERE LAYED OUT YEST AFTER CHURCH, GRILLED BURGERS, (KIMMY AND CODY ARE HERE TOO)...THEN WE ALL WENT TO THE MOVIES TO SEE HANGOVER 2...GOOD MOVIE BUT NOT FOR KIDDOS..

TODAY LAYING OUT AND HAVING HOTDOGS AND DOING NOTHING....

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Lori I agree Kourtney definitely is a hero, as are all our angels who lived, loved and moved on to their reward.. How we miss them!!

Lori thanks for the movie recommendation I saw Bridesmaids this weekend and it was very funny. Just what I needed.

Dee enjoy your bike ride it is in the 90's here as well.

Trudie, Sherry, Leah, Betsy , Sharon. Karen, Rhonda, Crystal, Amy , Carrie and all Indigos try to rest and recall many sweet memories of the Memorable Days of our time"In the Sun" with our angels. I intend to do just that.

[lolynbo]

Im happiest girl, in the whole U.S.A

Now shine on me sunshine

Walk with me world

Its a skippidity do da day

Im the happiest girl, in the whole U.S.A.

Shine on me sunshine

Walk with me world

Its a skippidity do da day

Im the happiest girl, in the whole U.S.A.

Shine on me sunshine

Walk with me world

Its a skippidity do da day

Im the happiest girl, in the whole U.S.A.

[ericasmom]

To the happiness of our HERO ANGELS, long may you run Dearhearts.

[ericasmom]

Long May You Run by Neil Young

We've been through

Some things together

With trunks of memories

Still to come

We found things to do

In stormy weather

Long may you run.

Long may you run.

Long may you run.

Although these changes

Have come

With your chrome heart shining

In the sun

Long may you run.

Well, it was

Back in Blind River in 1962

When I last saw you alive

But we missed that shift

On the long decline

Long may you run.

Long may you run.

Long may you run.

Although these changes

Have come

With your chrome heart shining

In the sun

Long may you run.

Maybe The Beach Boys

Have got you now

With those waves

Singing "Caroline No"

Rollin' down

That empty ocean road

Gettin' to the surf on time.

Long may you run.

Long may you run.

Although these changes

Have come

With your chrome heart shining

In the sun

Long may you run.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfre...il+young/#share

[lolynbo]

SUMMER TIME AND KIMMY WAS GONE AGAIN (SHE SPENT EVERY SUMMER WITH HER DAMANDING DAD, KODY WAS A BABY, AND KOURTNEY WAS BORED AND WANTED TO SWIM...SO WE BOUGHT HER A POOL AT WM, THIS IS KOURTNEY SWIMMING...JUST FOUND IT, THE KIDS PUT ALL MY PICS IN A TOTE AND TOOK THEM TO THE CELLAR UNTIL THE STORM SEASON PASSES...JUST INCASE...

[ericasmom]

Today, well this weekend really, marks the 4th year that another young lady that Jon and Eri grew up alongside died. Kathy was working for Americorp in Alaska, working with teenagers, she adn two friends, fellow workers, decided to go camping on Memorial weekend. They rented a boat that Friday, on a still icy lake, and that was the last time anyone saw them alive. None of them wore their life jackets and somehow, but nobody knows why or how, the boat tipped and all three drown. Kathy was an excellent swimmer, a total athlete, but the water was still icy cold, with ice flows on it and perhaps that is why they all drown. Her body was not located until July, aqui-search went in as volunteers adn located her with a special sonar, found her friend too. The young lady that was with them was found just days after they disappeared, she was from NY. they found Kathy just four days before our 4th year in grief. They brought Kathy home for her funeral service, the saddest thing and it was 2 days before ERi's anniversary. I remember one time when Kathy and ERi danced together, both so silly, they danced at the wedding of their friend's big sister, we were there. I looked up to see Kathy and ERi and many girls all young teens dancing a line dance in the balcony of the hotel. Kathy's older sister was Jon's classmate all of his school years, Rosie. She has just become a Mom recently, life goes on.

Kathy's Mom and Dad and sisters have done what we have all done. Kathy's mom never took me up on a cup of coffee, in fact when they were still looking for Kathy and holding out hope soon after the boat was found, I went to a fund raiser for her, raising funds to continue the search, and I went with another friend who lost her boy Josh, who happened to be one of Kathy's best friends. As Joan and I walked into the fund raiser, Kathy's mom said no, don't want to belong to that club. We got it, we understood. She is deeply religious and has great support in her church. I sent her an email today though, just letting her know that I think of Kathy often, that I think of her often. Josh Kathy and ERi all went to the same grade school, it is where I now teach.

Sweet children, know that we sing songs of you our whole life through.

[ericasmom]

Out in the garden with husband, both of us hot and covered in dirt and grime, we were looking at a flower when all of a sudden a hummingbird, our first one sited this season and it sat in mid-air drinking from the many wild columbine in our yard. How wonderful. IT was a male about 3 inches long, bright red patches on cheeks and throat adn irredescent green back. How magical.

[sadmomm]

Dee thanks for posting about Kathy send her mom a hug. Drowning is a terrible accident expecially when it seems so preventable. I will never understand either. Will always be without his smiling face his beautiful grin. His deep voice. I never thought his life would be so short. I really needed to help him... now I will suffer both from the terrible event and from my neglect and selfishness. I know you are a kind spirit as I am ... I surely need to find a way to go on. It is very difficult.. don't like tv get very bored and life.

susahnah Having fun with the kids? Wyoming must be beautiful this time of year.

All indigos. Hope your day was ok. carrie

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: loved your visit from the hummingbird...haven't seen any around here yet. They are so pretty, though. Glad you got to work out in the yard and get all dirty and sweaty. I did some more planting, too, though not in the working in the yard category...just working with some planters. I think it is great that you still remember Kathy; such a tragic story, though. We have a woman at church whose son was in Alaska, training to help disabled people climb glaciers (I don't even know why perfectly healthy people would want to do that, but different strokes...), and he fell into a crevasse. He was never found. I can remember when it happened, and I saw her and thought to myself that I never wanted to have a reason to look that sad and haunted. She has a strong faith, though, and is comforted by knowing where he is. Thanks for sharing the song, too.

{{{{{{Carrie:}}}}}} Sending love and good thoughts to you....

Rhonda: So glad that CJ came to the cookout. You are doing a good thing, and Westley is very proud of you.

Lorri: thanks for sharing the pic of Kourtney...so cute. I know what you mean about protecting the pics...couple of years ago, we had to evacuate because of a damn that was threatening to break...fortunately, Mike's friend Denis was here and he help us take all the pics to the car...a monumental task. Then we got Mike's urn, which is VERY heavy...made of stainless steel and about 10 inches square. I wish I could get all my pics downloaded to a disc...will eventually...just a lot to do.

Sus: thank you for your kind words...I have always felt that way (a nurturer), guess it must show, huh? Thank you for your beautiful prayer for all women. I hope you are having fun/had fun in Iowa with the grandies.

Mike's three boys were here this weekend...an unusual event, where even Damon stayed over! They had such a good time...he LOVES being with his brothers. We took some pics of them on the sofa and wanted to share a couple...I especially love the one where Damon is looking the other way, all "innocent" and the like...after just tickling his brother. I can still hear him giggling! (pics of all three boys are blurry because they couldn't sit still!...but they had fun...)

When I transferred the picture of just Kam and Damon, I noticed the mark on the end of the sofa, by Damon. Our sofa is kind of a suede, so different shades show up when it is brushed one way or another. Guess it was brushed by in just the right manner...

Also posting a pic of the Red Sox Windsock we did for Mike's memorial site...we all signed one of the white streamers and wrote Mike's name and dates on the other white one. Hung it on the hook by his bench.

Wishing you all a peace-filled week..holding all of you close in thoughts and prayers...hope you all had some sweet moments this weekend, even if only for a bit.

[ericasmom]

Carol, what sweetness in those boys smiles. My goodness each of them like their Daddy in different ways...I am so glad for the time you get with them and they get with you.

How is Ralph doing? Any relief?

Yes, the hummer was gorgeous, a Ruby throated male. Lovely.

Glad that you liked the music.

I agree Rhonda with Carol, your Boy is smiling on your good heart, for all that CJ has been shown through you and your family.

Carrie, yes the story is so sad about Kathy. I always hope that she felt no pain. I am sorry that you are feeling that you are shomehow to blame for yoru Boy leaving, I doubt that it had anything to do with your being away. Sounds like an accident. I wish you a day tomorrow that offers you some peace.

Lorri, love the swimming Kourtney, so cute. Little butt in the air, love it. I hope that you are safe, big storms again out your way, suppose to be here tomorrow late afternoon. Hope they do hold off as the whole third grade is on the Chicago Architecture Tour on the River tomorrow morning.

[mikesmum]

Carol - What a brilliant effort by 'Mike' making himself known while his boys are in the house. I had to take a second look, we must have shopped in the same place. We have that lounge, the couch is a 3 seater, two recliners with two seperate recliners for the 'oldies'. Mikes in each of their sweet faces....warms the heart.

Cold here. Mid term tomorrow...

Cold weather, yes its June.....another day.

[PaulsMom]

Today is 14 weeks. It hurts as much as it did the night I got the news. I don't want to do this. I'm slowly dying inside.

[ericasmom]

Hang on Paul's Mom, we really do understand about not wanting to do this, 14 weeks is a lifetime ago adn just a matter of weeks, so please hang on even when you have very little energy or want, we will help hold onto you. Walk in our steps, they were made by our broken hearts too, over the many years for some on up to those right in front of you in time. Paul probably wants you to continue on, live for him.

[hotrod]

Lorri How sweet Little Kourtney swimming This picture is as cute as the one at the zoo with her little feet moving toward the large animal

Carol Love the pictures of Mikes' beautiful sons' So glad that you can share special days together

Dee the Hummingbird visitation was so very special

Paul's Mom It is the hardest experience I have ever endured. Coming here and posting, or just reading does help. You are not alone.

Rhonda I am sorry for your added sadness. I so admire how you were able to show up for your granddaughter' party.

Sherry and Betsy hope you are OK

Trudie Good Luck on the exam How is Sir Mutley ?

Going to So Jersey today to "reclaim my wallet" I will make sure I do not leave IT and ticket on the table this time

Have a day with warm gentle memories of your sweet angels