Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I have been unable to post and share my thoughts lately but have been keeping up. I feel a little like Leah right now so it is best to stay isolated.

Dee Glad Jon has a diagnosis and that a plan of recovery is possible

Carol I agree Damon looks so grownup in his skating gear Prayers for you and Ralph and of coarse Davis

Dear Sus You are definite proof that adversity does make us stronger, more compassionate and loving That is if it does not kill us in the process. I respect and admire you and the painful journey you have endured.

I had a friend many years ago who called me and said she was going out to kill herself. I talked for a while and then pointed out that my belief in Karma indicated that she would have to come back and relive her currrent life again until she got it right That she was better off going on from where she was at the present moment then starting it all over again. She agreed and checked herself into a psych ward I still see her for lunch each month and she remember that conversation!!

Betsy, Sherry, Rhonda. Lori, Sharon, Crystal, Colleen, Leah and all Indigos In my thoughts always.

[Guest msnher]

Hugs Betty! I love your heart!

I am narcissistic enough or arrogant enough or self centered enough or perhaps even humble enough to believe everyone at one time or another has felt as I do or did. You all know I work out my thoughts and emotions on paper or in this modern day on the keyboard. Narcissistic as I am, I require an audience. LOL Oh, I crack me up.

I just wanted to add that in all my wisdom and enlightenment (sarcasm) there are days I seriously think it is time for me to "check out". There are days I don't think things will ever get better. And then there are days when I think I know all the "keys to the kingdom" and love is the answer and I fart rainbows. Up and down. Maybe one of the answers for our young people is to assure them everyone feels this way at some time or another. Maybe let them know we all go through times when we feel like complete failures. Times when we are sure there is something about us that just chaps God's ass.

We scream to the universe that this is so unfair...and, I just don't think life was meant to be fair. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. The death of a child totally turns my world upside down. I can't or won't deal with it. And yet, I've seen Zachy. This thought has been nagging at me for some time. What if the souls of those children are really very mature and they didn't stay here one moment longer than they needed to? Could it be that older, wiser souls volunteered to be born into hunger and disease to TEACH us? Is that too far fetched? Is it possible that everyone who lost their lives on 9/11 and since chose to?

Is it possible that all the lives lost in the holocaust said, "I'll go"?

From this side of things, the human side of things, I scream NO! From a nonphysical side of things I wonder...maybe.

Pure energy. Love. I am. The peace that passeth all understanding. What ever we call that power, I believe therein lies the power of our serenity and strength. Now, if God would just send someone to do my laundry (it's always laundry) I wouldn't hate myself so much. What's that? If I get off my butt and do my laundry myself I wouldn't hate myself so much? I'll think about it.

I hope you all find something to smile about today. I'm hoping to shower and dress nice and go to the "Ink meets Metal" show today. Tatoo's and motorcycles. I wear that hat, too...biker bitch. Like it.

Yep. Learning to live in our own skin...liking our own company. Sheese, at the rate I'm going I'm going to have to be here forever until I learn some humility! I'm either the best of the best or the worst of the worst. Balance.

[kmb22]

Betty – I understand that feeling of isolation. I still vacillate between isolation and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. Screaming feels better but I figure isolation is the safer choice…for everyone around me as well. I sure used to believe in Karma…until this…now I just don’t buy it anymore. I wish I could still believe…I guess it’s just another part lost.{{Hugs}}

Colleen – I’m so sorry Aaron is struggling. I know how scary it is to know they're in pain but have no clue how to help them. I’ve always said 17 was when it got most difficult with both of my boys. Still children, though bordering adulthood, having to make decisions many are not close to being ready to decide. He’s at such a difficult age in itself without having to find a way to do these things without his big brother. Your stories of Aaron remind me so much of my younger son, he too is very private with his feelings and any attempt at getting them out is met with a stone wall and an "I'm fine". Shawn was the complete opposite; he'd tell me anything...much like his Mom... I had no idea how to handle the silence. I wish I had answers for you but I’ve failed terribly with trying to get through to him; apparently he felt I was “always in his face”. I was scared, I thought he needed it and maybe he did, but I just couldn’t seem to find the balance. My heart is with you. I do hope he is open to counseling and they are able to help him find a place in himself where he can feel safe to share what’s inside. {Hugs}

Lorri – I’m with you on the rainy days, they sure do help darken our already dark days. My heart is with you as we approach the month to come. The story of the young boy, Camden, is heart breaking. They caught his mother a few towns over from me, the story has consumed every news report for the past week and it’s unfathomable. I don’t think there could ever be an explanation for how a mind breaks so completely a mother becomes capable of that, under any circumstances.

Dee – I’m glad to hear Jon is able to get up and around a bit more and his spirit seems to be returning.

Amy – I’m so sorry for the loss of another child in such a way and for the pain this is bringing to Katie and your family. My thoughts and prayers to her family and friends as they find a way to cope with another loss in their young lives.

Leah – I was glad to see your post but saddened by your pain. I understand the lack of words and the silence brought on by feeling you have nothing positive to say. Most days, lately, I share this feeling. One thing many have told me is there is no “supposed to be” in regards to how we feel. I don’t believe it’s the life we chose but the life we’re expected to find a way to live with. Whether it be 5 months, 5 years, or 20, in my opinion, there will never be a day it will be okay that we’ve all lost the one’s most precious to us. We may somehow find a way to have reason to continue but it will never be okay. I’ve had to take that pressure of expectations on my feelings off, from myself especially. I wish I had to the words to help take the “supposed to be” thoughts from all of our minds…one thing I’ve learned is there is no time line, not in my line of sight anyway. I do hope you’re able to keep checking in as you’re able.

Susannah – “I would never want to do it again, but I'm glad I did it this time around.” I can’t imagine not having every moment I've had here here with my boys, but I’d never choose to do THIS again either. You are far from self-centered or narcissistic; believe me, I was raised by their queen. Seriously, would a self centered person take time out of their life to call across country to check on me? Would a selfish person, while scrambling around trying to get three rambunctious little ones ready for school, think to send a message asking how I was feeling today? No, they wouldn’t…case closed…I win. Hope you had fun today and didn't get any tattoos you'll be sorry for later.


I too am so saddened by the loss of another young soul by their own hand. My thoughts on suicide have changed drastically through the years. Before it became a part of my life I, like others, thought it selfish. When my brother took his own life I was hurt but, more so, angry at first. Then I became haunted by the thoughts of others who openly shared their thoughts of purgatory. As I grew in my own thoughts and spirituality I was comforted by the feeling he found a peace there that he could never quite get a grasp of here. I understand that feeling of hopelessness in a way my mind would never allow me to see before now.

[daveydow1]

Betty----I think that you have helped your suicidal friend so much....given her hope to try to continue on,

despite all her sadness and troubles. If truth be known......all of us may have had those thoughts at

one time or another. Human nature, I think. Fortunately,.....most people will dismiss the thought as

not being an option. Yes,...the thought of coming back and having to live the life over again....with all its

troubles....is not an encouraging option, and one probably will re-think the situation. Sadly, some

carry through with it. So sad.

Colleen---Sorry that the cardinal nest lost its babies. Could they have been taken by some predator ?

Hopefully, they will have another brood this season, and be able to raise them til they can fly away

on their own.

Sus----It is so good that you are teaching the kids to meditate, and to have a sense of self-worth.

The things you teach them now may not seem like it is 'sinking in', but I think that they will absorb

the loving words you tell them. I admire your determination and hope,(even after a very difficult life

you've had), and the grandchildren will take on your qualities... and gain an undefeated spirit.....

.little by little. Sorry that your nephew commit suicide. Most likely, his troubles overwhelmed him,

and he could see no other way out. Prayers for his peaceful rest & repose.

Amy----Oh, what a tragedy......the freshman girl commiting suicide......and so soon after the other girl's

death by suicide. You asked a good question......"What is wrong with kids today?"......about the mean

girls that posted cruel things on Facebook. Seems like that site is a perfect place for people to just

be mean to others....and in a cowardly way, too. Sending prayers for Katie and your family, and the

families of the two lovely girls that left this world. I think that young people really take the deaths of

friends and classmates so very hard..----because most teens/young people have a feeling of being

invincible, and when a tragedy like that occurs,.....it just knocks them off their feet. Peace, friend.

Leah-----My friend,.---I hope that you get this message. While I will miss you, I do understand your

feelings & respect them. Sometimes one just does not have the incentive or energy to continue here

at BI with postings etc. All of us needs to just step back sometimes, and it is necessary to give the

mind and psyche a needed break. As Dee said----maybe in due time, you can come back, and you

will be welcome ....just as if you never left. We all understand the need to give the mind & soul a rest.

Peace & prayers for you and your family.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Here's a poem I came across-----

A light went out on earth for me

The day we said goodbye.

And on that day a star was born,

the brightest in the sky.

Reaching through the darkness

With its rays of purest white,

Lighting up the Heavens

As it once lit up my life

With beams of love to heal

the broken heart you left behind.

Where always in my memory

Your lovely star will shine.

By Catherine Turner

[Guest msnher]

Sherry - I love the poem. I had a dream about a week after Stephanie died. She stood in front of me, smiling. I couldn't touch her, but my heart ached with a longing only we can understand. The smile never left her face and her gaze never left mine. She began to ascend backwards into the sky...the smile never leaving her face and her gaze never leaving mine. As she went higher she got brighter. Light eminated from her very being. The further she went the brighter she became until I could no longer make out her features and she looked like a star in the sky. At that time I found little comfort in it. Now I thank her over and over for the dream. It is my greatest source of comfort.

Karen - I must agree with you regarding your mother. You're right, you win. No tatoo's although I came close to getting a white one for Stephanie. They hurt and I am just a chicken. The two I have hurt, so I know from where I speaketh.

I had a semi normal day today. Except for laundry (it's always laundry). I dressed in nice jeans and a sweater, did my hair and makeup (and didn't cry it off). I socialized and was kind to people. It's terrible that I give myself an "attaboy" for being kind but people can really piss me off and I'm not shy about telling them when it happens. Today I just shared the love.

Wore me out. So I am now in my bed wrapped in my blanket...it's still cold as can be here and my hips are screaming their rejection of my "normal" day.

Love you all! More love...kind of makes you gag doesn't it? I do get on my own nerves.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Sitting back just reading for the most part. Been at the Bay, back to touch base with family till next Wednesday. Emily has a 'presentation' at her high school. Her subject is Salvadore Dali. We went to the exhibition when it was at the National Gallery with her and his work seemed to have made an impression on her. It will be a late night, starts at 7pm.

It is sad to hear that a person has found themselves in a place where the lights and sounds of the outside world fail to reach them. A place where they see no alternatives, or future. Their pain, and it is their pain is something they find overwhelming. We see that they have 'so much to live for', they see lives better off without them. Its a place I have touched. Its a place my son was in. For me, he had so much to live for....he needed to live for Harmony, for his siblings, for his nieces, nephews and yes for me.

I wish I had had the words, the wisdom to intervene, to place light and sound back into his darkness so that he might have turned around and walked back to us. Even when he looked right at me he couldn't see, when I spoke he couldn't hear.

My belief is that he died unaware of his importance in our lives and what a hole his leaving has left. I have said it before ~ for him the pain of living be it physical or emotional in his mind was greater than the pain of losing him.. He was wrong, but he couldn't see that at the time.

Nevertheless, aside from not having those right words at the right time, I love him with all my heart...I believe his leaving is the sadness that underscores my life. I also believe that he is part of the energy that makes the world turn.....

Its a bit deep this post of mine, its not one of sadness or depression, just thought I might add my 2c (AUD) to the talk....

Coool here. Night comes early.....

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Weird dreams throughout the night. Dreams I credit pizza for.

Trudi - thank you for your heartfelt post. After my encounter with Micheal it is easy for me to forget that he struggled in this life and the hole his passing left. If he died not knowing he was loved he certainly knows it now. His "visit" marks the change of tide for me on this journey. I have never encountered such love and security and strength. Shawn's visit was pretty darn close. But Micheal's light and joy and wisdom helped me turn a corner. I had forgotten the circumstances in which he died. Well that certainly changes the scope of things. Just when I think I got it all figured out I find out I don't. Perhaps it's none of my business to try. Just sometimes I have to try to make sense of things that seem so wrong. But, Micheal. Oh, Micheal changes everything. No, he's a very strong soul. Even if he had to "do it over again" he would without so much as blinking, but I doubt he has to. My nephews visit was a pleading, begging...sorrowful. Micheal's was not like that at all. Yes, I agree, Trudi, Micheal is part of the energy making the world spin. I have not heard from Micheal since that day..."Don't feed into the anger" his face just inches from my face, his smile as pure as I've ever seen. Just love. It would be impossible to stay angry in that presence. Yep, he certainly knows he's loved now. I think your love brings him joy instead of regret, Trudi. Maybe that's because he doesn't see the chasm that separates us. The wall that keeps us from our children does not exist for them.

Well, today is the day of rapture. Gosh, Trudi may already be gone since 6pm on the 21st has already passed for her. If any of you are blessed to be raptured today, please plan ahead and don't drive or operate any machines. Keep it save for those of us who have to stay. I have a feeling I'm here for the duration.

Good day you all! Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Trudi, your words are as always, beautiful. Over the years your way of facing the days those in front of you , behind you, and most importantly, the one you are in, has changed dramatically. I know that the sweet Boy Micheal is smiling on his MUM, so proud of how she lives her life, and thankful that you have found ways to live it with purpose and intent. He has that light and sound now Trudi, you have given him so much. Love that Em is doing her work on Dali. Love Dali.

It is going to be a cloudy day and chances of big thunderstorms, but I will jump out on my bicycle for a spin before settling down with a TON of work toward the end of the school year. I am talking TON-AGE. Later on Shan and I will head out to a mall where I have a dress that purchased for the wedding waiting and we will take back some curtains that she bought. Then back home to my workload. I am home alone for the first time since the winter when John went to his cousin's wedding and I was home recuperating form surgery. John left today for a small town in Illinois for a gathering among some very nice people whose 3 year old daughter is having a birthday. I just did not want to drive 3 hours and hang out with kids all day (my whole life is KIDS) and try to get some school work done in the hotel room. Selfishly, I also wanted to be near home in case Jon needed me but even more selfishly, I want to be home alone. Oh JOhn is a wonder truly, but I am home alone NEVER as he is not employed for a few years now. When we met and married he owned a small store and then opened another. He was busy, I was always busy. I had time alone in the house back then. And while his presence is not a drag or a weight, there is something to be said about having complete freedom of the space that surrounds me. Odd sounding I know, but I have always needed alone time, even in the most social times of my life, I need that time to allow my brain to freely float. That is why I started taking long walks when I was 12 years old and have continued since.

John was dear about it, knowing his wife quite well, knowing that I have a ton of work to do and needing that space as well.

Betty, maybe the solitude you need right now is similar to my need for space. THere are those times in our lives that present themselves as kind of a friction. One thing rubbing on the other creating a sound that needs to stop or a sore that needs to heal. I wish you the peace that sometimes comes from changing ones daily customs. And if you find you would like to wander in and out, please do. I know that when I had to walk away from this place some many years ago, I did it for my spirit, it was sinking. I felt that I needed to be here, but I felt each and every new story as a reopening of my ache. I came back when I was able to reach out a hand to those new without losing a piece of my recovery. We must first take care of ourselves. I love you Betty, your heart is made of all things good.

Carol, I am pryaing for Ralph and for his surgeons to direct this next piece of medical need in the least invasive manner. May he in his new and improved svelt self, be well and strong. And you must take care of you Young Lady.

Sherry, a lovely poem, so very beautiful. More rain today? Iknow that the farmers fields are laying empty, a strange time we are in, but I am hoping that we all find out how to make it work and in that regard our climate situation with more respect. Oh, a heron flies over our yards at around4:30 in the eve the last three evenings. So beautiful, legs tucked in and his broad wing span so majestic.

Love to you all

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I have decided that regardless of how much I want to isolate I will post, at least a few words each day

Sherry I loved the poem. It lightened my heart and brought a smile I remember looking up at a small bright star the evening Stephen passed and thinking "There you are". Thanks for the rememory

Trudi Dear friend I understand the missing and a child who looked and did not see and listened and did not hear. Oh how I wished I could have changed the direction that Stephen's life had taken. Thousands of dollars, numerous hospitals, pills rehabs all with the same negative results. . I know that dark place where life is too painful and I believed everyone would be better off without me. My entire life experience since then have proven me so very wrong.

Dee I miss you. It is Saturday and time for your bike ride. Hope Jon is OK

Betsy when is your daughter coming to NY are you at the shore?

Sus No laundry today!!! It is Saturday and I think you deserve a day off

Carol Colleen, Rhonda, Sharon, Crystal, Amy and all Indigos be well

[hotrod]

Hi Dee

There you are!!! We posted at the same time. Enjoy your time alone, your bike ride and shopping . Thanks for your kind words! They are so true.

[ericasmom]

Hi Betty, we were twin-posters. How are you today? What is NYC looking like today? Cloudy with a chance of meatballs? That is a book for kids, but it is cloudy and I heard some thunder just now, so I do believe we will get a storm. I am listening to Paul Simon's latest concert here in Chicago from last week. It is stupendous and one wonders just how a man nearly 70 years old can serenade us all thorugh our lives from young to now? With words and rhythms that are the backdrop of our generation. HOw wondrous a gift.

I took a lovely bike ride, sticking to the less traveled streets and avenues. I rode about 9 miles, and that is about it until the next time. Small increments of additional millage.

I wish you a beautiful day and one that somehow let's you see the power of your love.

[ericasmom]

WE will be with them again...

Words & music by paul simon

No I would not give you false hope

On this strange and mournful day

But the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

I cant for the life of me

Remember a sadder day

I know they say let it be

But it just dont work out that way

And the course of a lifetime runs

Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope

On this strange and mournful day

But the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a motion away, oh, little darling of mine.

I just cant believe its so,

And though it seems strange to say

I never been laid so low

In such a mysterious way

And the course of a lifetime runs

Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope

On this strange and mournful day

When the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a motion away,

Oh, oh the mother and child reunion

Is only a motion away

Oh the mother and child reu-nion

Is only a moment away

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/paul+simon/#share

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Thank you for posting the words to the song. I sang them but never really knew them. Only a moment away. I wonder what "only a motion away" means.??

I am the world's worst procrastinator. I used to think I worked well under pressure, which I do, but only because I put everything off until the last minute and have to "getterdone" quickly. Today is Mariah's birthday party (from 2 - 4) . I still have to run to the dollar store to get goodies for the gift bags. I wanted to get a piñata, but decided against it because it is too cold to be outside and I don't want little kids swinging a bat in my house. Gary will take the kids to Burger King for lunch at noon so I can get the party ready for Mariah.

I turned on "Firework" by Katy Perry for the kids to dance to this morning (they love the song). I grabbed Jasmine and sang "Cause Baby you're a firework, come on show em what you're worth" and the uh..uh..uh... in her face. She was laughing and singing too. I started bawling. It just happened. Sheese! I hurried to the kitchen to hide my sobs but I don't even know where it all came from.

Why is it happiness triggers my grief? Why is it normal living also triggers it? I remember posting a few months after I joined BI that I found the trigger to the pain...it was living. Everytime I try to live a normal life I end up grieving Stephanie. What's up with that? I guess that's why I went to bed and stay there as much as I can.

I've never done that before, so it's the one thing I do differently since Steph died. I sleep.

I was always such a "go getter".

Going and getting makes me too sad so I pretty much don't...go...and getting.

Thanks for listening.

[daveydow1]

Karen---Shawnsmom-----I know what you mean when you said that you go back & forth...between

isolation, and wanting to just scream. I'm basically a shy person......so I , too, keep to myself--

but sometimes I just want to shout out about the terrible pain and unfairness of losing a beloved

child/children......as we all here at BI know only so well. If I ever do become more 'vocal'....it seems

I quicky retreat back into my own solitude where it seems safer. Just my way. . Sorry that Mark

is having a difficult time, and I believe that, as you say......teens can have a rough time letting their

feelings out. Seems nearly everyone says "I'm Fine" anymore. Peace & prayers, friend. As you

said----'this is not the life we chose, but are expected to find a way to live with'. .

Sus----Yep----happiness, and living our life can trigger the awful sadness that we all carry with us.

Such a nice dream you had of Steph, where she smiled like an angel and became brighter as she

made her way back to heaven.

Trudi-----You said..."His leaving is the sadness that underscores my life". So well-said, friend. None

of us has a real bearing when we enter this uncharted water of grief that we've found ourselves in.

Because the sorrow is always with us, I guess it can come up to the surface at any given time, and

we sometimes find ourselves expecting of ourselves ....what others expect of us on this journey.

We can only try our best, and live the lives that our beloved child/children would have wanted us to live.

Peace & comfort.

Betty----Yes---I agree.....that sometimes a person on this journey has to just take a rest and let the

soul somehow get relief as much as possible. Glad you like the star poem, and the way you looked

up into the sky after your dear Stephen passed, and said...."There you are"..............three little words

that means so much.

Dee-----Thanks for the words to the Paul Simon song (mother and child reunion ). I, too, have heard

the song many many times, without really knowing it. Very nice. We got a reprieve from the rain today (Sat.)

All the farmers are out in the fields. However,.....I think that there is more rain in the forecast in the days ahead.

Some crops can do ok if they get planted by the end of May......not the ideal, but still can grow alright. Your bike

ride sounds so nice. Good to get out in nature to soothe the battered soul, I always say. Maybe I'll get a chance

to walk back to the woods today. Our irises are blooming now. Lilacs are about finished. Azalea bushes are in

bloom, and rhodadendrons are budding. Grass is growing like MAD. A real job to try to get it cut before the

next rain comes, but have to try because it gets so high. Same thing with you, I bet.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sus, hope that the party is fun for all. I know, I am also a procrastinator, always have been, though do a bit better at some things ahead of time now.

As far as the song says, only a motion away...we all know that it is within our power to comit ourselves to a motion that can end things now...but should we, no, because we are needed here, we are really only a moment away both in the terms that this life is all of a blink of an eye, as well as my feeling that our Kids are just beyond our grasp, just a moment away. We are made so very sad by their leaving, we are made different to be sure, but they are just a moment away.

Sherry, so glad that the sun is shining on you today. The farmers can finally get done what is usually done a month ago. Hooray. Perhaps we will have a late harvest, vegetables well into the fall. Saw two more herons flying today as Shan and I went to the mall about 25 miles from here. They both were flying and so I think that this must be the crazy find food for my baby times for these herons. Never have I noticed so many of them in flight. The nests are huge and made of sticks, so keep an eye for those. So pretty.

[Guest msnher]

Party's over, little girls safely picked up by their parents. We gave Mariah a Gsi for her birthday with a couple of games. Grandpa put all the locks in place so she can't access the internet. She's allowed to use the internet, but on our "family computer" where we can monitor what she does. She is pretty good at staying on the learning sites because the one time she didn't she was grounded from the computer for the rest of the week. When she needs to research something we do it together. I only had to tell her once that there are bad people out there who try to trick children. They know all too well what a bad person means.

[Guest msnher]

Anyone get raptured?

[ericasmom]

Sus, glad that the party went well. Are you exhausted? Did Mariah have fun? Hope that he weather warms up for you guys. today is perfection, about 75 and calm winds. We had rain but it was brief, enough to water the plants and now the sun is stunning on the treetops. A walk is in demand.

[kmb22]

"Anyone get raptured?" Ha...I told ya God doesn't love me enough to make it that easy.

Glad the party went well.

[Guest msnher]

Dee's still here so the rapture must not be happening. Sorry, Karen, but I knew I wasn't going and we're too much alike (so sorry) so I was sure you weren't going either. How's your chest, Karen? How's the bruising? The pain? The pain associated with your fall..not the one of grief, although the one of grief hurts much worse, I'm sure.

Dee - Mariah's party was fun. I am exhausted. Mariah also has a fun room and her friends love to be in it. Towards the end the girls began playing with Jasmine and Jonathon too...they also have fun rooms. The living room/dining room was full of balloons and party stuff. I made little gift/goodie bags for each of the kids (I give nice gifts). All are happy which is a gift in itself.

[mikesmum]

No rapture only chocolate

[kmb22]

Trudi - Aww you got chocolate? They didn't tell us there was a consolation prize to this whole rapture thing.

Oh Susannah I did know...but a gal can hope once in a while can't she? The bruising is a little ugly but doing okay. The pain will probably be a couple more days but I'm back up and about. I guess I have to learn to slow down a bit my coordination apparently isn't what it used to be either though physical pain never keeps me down long.Thanks for asking {Hugs}

[ericasmom]

Okay, what did I miss and when...Karen you were injured in a fall? I am missing some pieces of information, there was something last week too that I missed which tells me that I am over busy right now and not reading fully. Sorry. I sure hope that you heal quickly Karen.

Col, don't remember if I ever commented on Aaron's reaction to the teacher...I am sorry that he was unable to handle discussion about his Brother, but maybe this will be the answer for him...realizing that others don't know what to do with his reaction might help him see that he does need to talk about the loss of his Big Bro.

Sus, glad that the party went well. What goodies did you pack in the goodie bags?

Trudi, chocolate sounds good. I had a little piece of dark semi-sweet with a glass of deep red wine, a lovely combination in my estimation. I was able to get some of my report card grades in, so that is great. I planted some of the pots in the yard, which I love to do. I love picking out the plants and choosing what goes well with what. Mixed salvias with dahlias and some marigolds along with some small blue/purple plant, suddenly can't remember the name...must be the chocolate. Ha.

My allergies are tough but boy do I love being out in this weather.

Sleep well everyone, love you all. If we are to dream may they be filled with our Loves and Goodness.

[kmb22]

Dee - No, you didn't miss it, I didn't mention it here. I had posted something on FB about and scared the heck out of Susannah (sorry). She dropped everything to call me while trying to figure out how the heck she'd call 911 in MA from WY. Of course this is only one reason I lover her so dearly. Anyhow, we had a short break in the rain the other day so I decided to get out and try to get some of my lawn done; it's huge and out of control at this point. I was rushing to beat the next rain and the grass was still wet. I jumped off the mower to move my utility trailer out of the way and while pushing it (it's pretty heavy) my feet went out from under me and I landed on the cross member from my chest to my hip. It hurt but, I did what most would do, I got up, looked around to make sure no one saw me, and made my way back to the lawn tractor. I put it in gear to finish up the last couple of strips and heard a loud bang! I saw something come flying out; it bounced off the running board then onto the ground where it sizzled on the wet grass. I realized pretty quickly a very large hole had blown through the side of the motor. I figured that was a good time to quit. Once I sat down I guess the adrenaline wore off and I felt like I'd been kicked in the chest by a very large person with steel toe boots. It kept me down for a couple days but it's feeling much better today. Seems everything mechanical has decided to break all at once and I've become a klutz...go figure. Funny thing is, this stuff would have made me nuts before...now, I just say whatever a lot.

I hope everyone is sleeping soundly and having sweet dreams. I'm praying for sun for everyone tomorrow. I think we all need lots more of that.

[mikesmum]

Read somewhere that chocolate should be part of a 'survival' kit. Guess if its the 'end' it doesn't really matter

Karen, I would take that hole in the side of the ride on as sign....don't mow the grass...

Had a visit with my younger brother and family today. We have both lost sons. He is just back from Thailand. He's showing me how to 'be present in this life', his 16yr old daughter lights his life.....I guess I have so much to be 'here' for.

Cold and dark....study study study......

[Guest msnher]

I'll take chocolate anyday. I'd prefer to be raptured, but I'm sure there's chocolate in heaven. Is your brother teaching you anything specific about being present, Trudi?

Yep. Karen's fall put me in a panic. How DOES one call for help from a different state? I used to call for welfare checks on Stephanie whenever she moved (she moved out of state a few times) but I don't remember how I did it. To hear Stephanie tell the story from her side of things was pretty funny. "My mom called them" she would tell her friends as they scurried to hide their drugs as the officers told her to call home. I kept a specific calendar for her. I would write down the time she called on the correct date and the phone number she called from. I honestly expected her to go missing or be found dead and labeled as a Jane Doe. She lead such a dangerous lifestyle. Damn I hate drugs! Who would know she would get clean and sober and get killed in a dumb ass ATV accident?

I woke with a start at 1am. I'm not sure if I was dreaming or if it was my subconscious but I had a clear vision of Jasmine in Junior high. Not pretty. Not a vision as in "vision" at least I hope not. The sass and disrespect and my total lack of power to do anything about it. She totally laughed at me and called me names and walked off with her friends. I hope it was fear of the future based on past experience with her mom. I can't tell you how much I don't want to go through that again.

During one of Stephanie's geographical cures she was homeless in Colorado Springs. There was one boy (I guess a man) who I liked real well. He was black as night and huge. Steph said he could get mean, but he showed me respect and treated me kindly. When I didn't hear from Stephanie for weeks I called him and he hunted her down and made her call me. Because of Stephanie's constant running I got a 1-800 number and sent her a calling card that only dialed my number. One of her friends got ahold of it and kept trying to use it but she could only call me. Then she told me she needed me to send Stephanie's birth certificate. I hadn't heard from Steph, herself, so I was sure they had killed her or done something to her. That's what began my obsession with detection work in finding her.

Just rambling at 1am...missing my girl but not missing that life and hoping her children don't follow in her footsteps.

Dee - I got my party bag goodies from the dollar store. small notebooks, pens, pencils, beads, little animal in a plastic ball (they're all the rave and I can't remember the name) , gum, chocolate, suckers, party blow out whistle thingys that don't whistle.

I should try to go back to sleep. Love you all.

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

sorry you did not sleep well Susanna, I did and now need to make some coffee, oh the joys of coffee, which as you probably know, go very well with chocolate.

Karen, oh wow, you really banged yourself up. Yes we all look to see who might have seen us as we fall, trip, land poorly, but so glad nothing is broken and that you are feeling on the mend. Do you think however, that you should have a check up to make sure of your ribs...? I agree with Trudi, stop mowing. How much lawn is there? Can you do a push mower? Be careful please.

Being present in this moment is a very lovely thing to find, it is finding your chi, your energy in this time. Checking yoru posture and aligning oneself and taking small controlled steps in a balanced manner all help align the brain too, to finding this time and living in it.

Good luck with studying Dear Truds.

[mikesmum]

Sus - I guess my brother teaches me by example. He lost his only son about 9yrs ago. He was divorced from Luke's mum. She remarried and my brother was for want of better description put well out of the picture. He paid child support throughout, though after Luke turned 4 he never saw him. Luke died aged 15 from complications after a heart lung transplant. He and Mike were sympatico. When the CF was too much for Luke to endure, it was Mike that played the 'big brother' and kept him on his treatments...

While Bill acknowledges his loss he shows me the balance we can have. I never thought I would participate in this life again. I would just be and wait...my time would come, this nightmare would end.

It was Bill who with Mal walked me down to Mikes room that day. He stood as I spent precious time with my boy. It was he who went with me to tell the others they had lost their brother. He wears the "Beyond Blue" band that we all put on our wrists the day of Mikes service.

He makes sure his daughter now 16 knows how precious she is in his life. He shows me how to take that broken heart and 'mend it' with those days of baking cookies, walking Muttley and just being. He still makes me laugh at those days when we were young ~ he's my last connection to my past ~ we have endured much together.....

Rambling on hope that explains (?) it Sus. I bid you all a goodnight from the land downunder.

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - You explained yourself quite well. Thank you. What a wonderful brother. I am so sorry for his loss as well. Rest well!

[westleysmom]

Hey gang, I'm still here. Not sure what that means, and I haven't had any chocolate, but I'll see what I can get my hands on. It was for some reason a very hard day yesterday, well not the day, but the night. CJ hasn't found a job yet, so I called him to see if he wanted to help in the yard for a few bucks. He came over and did all the things Westley used to do, helping get brush up and all of that. We went to a church barbecue and picked up plates for lunch and then when they finished working, he was soaked and hot and I asked him if he wanted to take a shower and change. I got him some of Westley's clothes that are mostly all still in the dresser. He got dressed and I cooked some fish my husband caught Friday. We made coffee ice cream (oh that's why I didn't get chocolate, I had coffee ice cream) I was going to take him to someone's house, but his friend (also a friend of Westley's) had to come out here to his step-dad's for something, so he stopped and picked him up. We had started watching a movie, but he had been here all day and I'm sure was tired of hanging out with the old folks. And of course, he had to go anyway because his ride was here and needed to get going. But I didn't want to let him go. I didn't say anything, but inside, I was just screaming "don't leave, stay!" And I suppose I was really saying that to Westley like I always do, but just having somebody here to absorb some of my sadness, somebody to cook for other than my husband, who would eat whatever I cook just so he wouldn't have to and doesn't have as much appetite since Westley died. Just having him here, and then knowing he's leaving, and it was just for a little while, well, it was hard to let go. So I went to bed pretty early and woke a few times. dreamed of Westley, but can't remember much about the dreams. So today is my granddaughter's birthday at my MILs, next Sunday at my house for my family. Altogether wasn't working that well, so we're trying it this way this year. A friend asked me if I held back from my granddaughter since Westley died, and I don't think I do that with her any more than I do with everybody. I separate myself from everybody, not just her. Not so much that its noticeable to everybody, but I'm sure some people know it. I don't know what if anything i should do about it, or if I even can do anything about it. Will it wear off, will the wall I've built degrade slowly over time? Will it get more substantial and harder to break through? I don't know if I'm becoming a bitter old woman, or just trying to protect myself from future losses or if those are one and the same. I just feel all alone most of the time, even in a crowd, especially in a crowd.

Karen-I'm glad you're okay and hope that your soreness goes away soon.

Susannah-Disturbing dream you had, I hope like you that it was not at all a prophetic kind of vision, just a indigestion kind of bad dream or something.

Well have a good day all, as much as you can.

[Guest msnher]

Oh my, Rhonda, your day yesterday was something movies are made of. I totally get it. Hugs to you my friend. I don't know about everyone but I know I said the same thing about becoming a bitter old woman at about the same time in my journey as you are now. I'm not so worried about it now so perhaps that will pass with you too. Of course, tomorrow might find me feeling bitter again...hell, I might feel bitter in a few minutes, my moods change so rapidly. Glad to see Westley's face this morning.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, my probably deepest most excruciating days, I mean beyond that first few months after ERi left, was a period of time that surrounded the second anniversary. I remember sitting on the inside porch one morning, John husband was away on business, (back then there was work) and I played some Neil Young and screamed. I hadn't really screamed ever during my grief, but I screamed and could not see for the tears and mucus coming from me, I just kept playing, Sugar Mountain, cause the words said, "You can't be 20 on Sugar Mountain."..she was 19. I also kept playing the song that sings, " I want to see you dance again..." and I did, I wanted to see her dance at her cousin's wedding like she did the summer before, I wanted to see her dance her funny steps when she was trying to get me to buy her something or lend her some cash...making that little RAT FACE that her friends also miss so much. The face she made in that photo of her in the tree. Oh how I miss her nuances, her funny self, her big hands, and it was as if all that I missed bubbled up and stole the light from my days and I screamed, and screamed, and laid on the floor weeping for an hour or so. After that day, I began to build back up again, like an infant learning to crawl, but learning how to live again was not as burdensome after that, it was more directed and life afirming, but those catacombs, those deep and dark places that we hide and find refuge also are places we feel trapped within. We go there, we do come back out and as you know, not the same as before, but we do come out. As far as being bitter, I do think it is almost a natural consequence from our losses, but I also believe it is worth fighting as you certainly don't want to attract more negatives, so trying to let the honey of your spirit be found again. It may come from something brand new, a class to take, a new hobby, something that allows you to regenerate some energy that is creative or productive somehow. Obviously, your reaching out to CJ has been a bonus to you all, including and especially WEstley, so perhaps you have found a place in you that can be utilized, working with those who need a mentor. Maybe some volunteer work with youth. Sorry, I go on don't I, its just that I feel that we all have a life inside us that can offer and seize the sunlight and fresh opportunities and make each day count again. I do believe that is shy we are still here, to find life anew in the ashes of what we love most.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Rhonda I hear your sadness and the wanting I do believe the "wall" is not so much a wall but a new deeper understanding of life and how hard it can be sometimes. I do not fear being old and bitter, as I feel I have become more understanding and accepting of others than I ever have been. You are a kind and loving women and although we feel isolated and alone in a crowd that kindness and warmth that is you still permeates where ever you are.. Praying for your peace. .

Sus your dream was a nightmare!!! Just keep loving those children They will be fine

Sharon so sorry about your accident It is great to be able to do some constructive work around the house but I believe the riding mower breaking down was a sign for you to rest. Hope those pains heal quickly.

Trudi I have taken many courses to learn to live in the"Present Moment" and am often very successful . My big problem with the present moment is that Stephen is not there nor will he ever be. It is empty without him and nothing will replace that deep attachment. I too love connecting with my sister and brother giggling about childhood memories are wonderful. I know Dee loves to do the same

Have a Blessed Day everyone

[sadmomm]

Suzannah Hello. was thinking about what you wrote about the kids not being like mom. the drug thing.. We were totally off the boat with Morgan. Well he did not live with me. But looking back the signs were there even though his dad blew it off.. I think his brother knew... but did not tell.. he must experience extreme guilt. I sure do.. I have been thinking for a year and 3 months of how we could have prevented it. and it is meaningful things to do. life is so hard i guess by some of our choices... and then stupid thoughts. I think the only thing that can prevent it is meaningful things to do. tennis beach rodeo skydiving piano guitar school you know the list goes on and on. I screwed up the entire 20 years by waiting for tomorrow and then running away. then death. can't go back. love and listening. playing.. following through. all hard when we are so overwhelmed. His death made me think of all of it. stupid decisions... depression. wow... I am in a complete funk ... have been ever since we moved.. How i will miss.. everyday without his smile. his uniqueness.

Dee where do you live? I enjoy your posts. Ide say id would get harder around the two year mark. sometimes it eases for me.. barely.. sharing with all indigos is helpful...

Carrie

[Brendan's Daddy]

Afternoon everybody. I have been trying to keep up with the posts, but coming back from Florida I have been so very busy. I seems like staying busy is the best thing for me right now. I am so sorry to read about the young people taking their own lives. I feel for them and their parents and what they are going through. I had a very close friend of mine commit suicide when we were 15 years old. One of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Popular, good at sports, friendly, great parents, girl friend etc. It was a total shock to all of us when he took his own life. I guess I understand a little bit more now though. I think I was the only person on our airplane this past week actually hoping that it would crash. Every time the plane shook I actually wished it would just go down. I am sure that is not a good way to think, but that is how I felt. Everything we did in Florida I just imagined what would Brendan be doing? He would have had so much fun. Been so excited about everything. It was just so painful to be on vacation without our Brendan. It just seems to unfair.

I have been reading so much lately in books and in church about forgiveness. I am actually getting very tired of hearing people tell me about forgiveness. I am not sure how anybody thinks I can forgive the man that killed my son? I can't even forgive myself for not being there and not preventing it from happening. I can't forgive myself for letting my little boy down. How am I ever supposed to forgive the man who is responsible for all this pain. I don't think it will ever happen. It has been a rough day today. Church made me angry with the forgiveness talk. Then we drove past the ball park and saw all the kids playing in a tournament knowing Brendan was so looking forward to playing there. I just don't understand anything these days.

I hope you are all finding some joy today. CJ, I am glad your back to work. I hope your having a better day today. Colleen thank you so much for the offer helping us to move. That means a lot. Michele and I decided after our last move that next time we would be hiring a moving company to take care of it for us. I think Two Men and a Truck will be here when and if we can sell this house of ours.

Thinking about you all as always.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[ericasmom]

Tony, it is not fair, nope, but the thing is, so many things are not fair, and while we played and lived fair, life sometimes, (in all of our cases) did not play fair. Nobody says that you have to forgive. I have trouble with that line of thinking as well. I feel quite connected to the powers of our creators and nature and goodness, but I do not feel I have to forgive to have that. I was abused by my dad my whole life and I have not forgiven him, he was not allowed at Eri's funeral or anything else we do, not for the last 27 years and I probably won't and I don't feel that I am less a human for that feeling.

I do feel that your neighbor must have a broken heart having been responsible for your Little One's death, he must just feel awful and so from that point of view I feel very sad for him too but there are no rules in saying that you have to forgive and if you ever do, it will be further down this long and strenuous pathway.

I know being in a FUN place just exaggerates the loss sometimes, but Jackson needed to have fun and be the focus I imagine. I am glad that you managed it all.

Carrie, we live just outside of Chicago. I know that you are trying to live it well now carrie, not putting off what is important till later, good for you. Hoping that you find your way to a brighter place.

[lolynbo]

I THOUGHT I KNEW PAIN WHEN I LOST MY BROTHER AT 42 TO DIABETES.....NOW I KNOW WHAT REAL REAL PAIN IS..NEVER ENDING PAIN...

KIM AND CODY WAS HERE AGAIN THIS WEEKEND..COOKED STEAKS OUT AND GRILLED CORN LAST NIGHT, TODAY I MADE LEMON CHICKEN ALFREDO AND APPLE PIE....THEY ARE NOW ON THEIR WAY HOME...MONTY IS ON A POKER RUN FOR ANOTHER GREAT CAUSE.....IM MARRIED NOW TO A BIKER..HE HAS JOINED THE ABATE CYCLE CLUB...

GOT ME A NEW RIDE WEDS...IM THINKING I LIKE IT SO FAR...FIRST PAYMENT DUE, JUNE 17TH KOURTNEYS 3RD ANGELVERSARY..

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A BLESSED SUNDAY..

[ericasmom]

Okay Lorri, spill the recipe for the lemon chicken alfredo...yum.

The dkies are dark and the trees are doing back bends here, hang onto your hats as this storm front moves east...

[lolynbo]

OH GIRL JUST SIMPLE, GRILLED CHICKEN WITH LEMON PEPPER SEASONING AND SALT PEPPER, THEN SLICED

ADD TO COOKED NOODLES AND COOKED BROCCOLI, THEN ADD (FOR LARGE ORDER 2 JARS) OF BARTOLLI ALFREDO SAUCE, I MIX ONE GARLIC AND ONE REG FLAVOR...MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my indigo family. Have not been posting for the past couple of days...have been busy holding onto life. There is so much going on right now, I don't know where to place my hand to grab and hold on, so I thought I would check in to the one place where I can truly be understood...here on BI, where gather the most understanding, truly empathetic people I know of. I have tried very hard to hold on to the positives, but am finding my brain telling my heart to shut up and let the drama play. As you all know, one of Davis' best friends died last Sunday in a horrific car crash. Dealing with the repercussions of the pain that he is living with has been most difficult...to make matters worse, the girl who he met a week or so before last Sunday has decided to bow out...she was so incredibly good to him those first few days of his grief, and then just shut down. She finally told him that she "wasn't ready for a relationship right now and would like for them to remain friends." (I wish I had a nickel for every time those words have been said in this world over the span of time.) Anyway, he has been going downhill, wracked with grief and guilt over telling B earlier that he couldn't stand by and watch him destroy himself with alcohol, and then dealing with C's death, and this last arrow to his heart brought him to his dealer. I guess the one good thing about all of it is that he told us about it. He had no choice in this matter, however, because he had to tell us why he needed $340 ONE day after payday, when he had still had $436 in his account. He SWEARS that the paycheck money he spent was on pills that he only used (and "generously" shared) over the previous four day period, but how can we believe him? He SWEARS that the additional $340 he needed was to pay some friends who had fronted him some weed over the past couple of months and he had promised them he would pay them this payday...he says. (damndest DRUG ever invented...a teaser; a substance reeking of seduction...a creation of the devil that seduces those who use it for pleasure into thinking there is no problem with it...they can "handle it." (Show me ONE person who uses drugs who did not start with WEED, freaking, destructive, seductive, WEED!) (sorry for the rant there...) Of course, we are basically back to square one in the trust department, and Ralph totally not believing even one word of what Davis has said is the truth . "Too many second chances... he is going to cause you (meaning me) to have a heart attack...he has been lying all along," etc.) I asked him (Ralph) if he had thought this would never happen again? Suspecting it might, of course, doesn't make it any easier when it actually does, but it would be naive to think a drug addict will never use again, no matter how long they stay away from it. Davis swears he will get a signed receipt from those he pays (ha...who wouldn't sign "a receipt" if someone is going to pass them $10 bucks to do it?). So, that really isn't worth much. We have given him three weeks to prove to us that he did indeed only have the brief relapse that he claims, and that he realizes it was a mistake, etc. By this I mean that he has to report every penny to us, showing us exactly where it went, etc. He has $110 left to repay, and after that he has only $100 left from the savings that he had to use to repay his debts, and he will have to live on that for two weeks..if he runs out of money before then, we will only loan him bus fare for getting to and from work. The bus stops just across the street from where we live. He has to write down what he spends and what he spent it on, with receipts to show he is telling the truth. Will this work? I don't know. I pray. That is all I can do. My heart aches while my brain is angry with him, but my heart wants to believe that what he told us is the truth. If "things" are still going on over the next 3 weeks, he has to leave. Saying those words makes my heart explode, but what can we do? I keep telling myself that we have given him two choices, and if he chooses the one that makes his leaving the outcome, then the choice was made by him, and not us. This is easy to say, of course. Not so easy to do, of course.

Meantime, we have to be at the hospital (where Ralph had his kidney cancer surgery last summer) tomorrow morning, at 9:30, for him to see a specialist about the gallbladder surgery. Because of his added risks, his PCP wants him to go there for treatment. We are trying to be optimistic, but the external things going on make us emotionally weaker, though I am trying hard to separate these things and steer myself to only thinking about one thing at a time...difficult even in the best of times. The "other" things going on involve Jamie's being sick for the last four months and the doctors can't find out what's wrong--this illness has caused him to miss so much school this year, that it is projected he will be repeating his grade. And, Cathi has just had a cancerous lesion removed from her face, along with treatment for some pre-cancerous ones. She has a follow-up appt this next week to find out what is next. Next to my husband, she is my best friend in the whole world...dramatic as it may sound, I feel as if my heart is bleeding and I don't know how to stop it.

I am truly sorry for those of you who are having difficult days; I have read over the last couple of days posts, and am unable right now to respond very much in the written word right now. I do hold all of you close in my heart, and carry you in my prayers daily.

Susannah: I am so sorry about your dream, but perhaps it was just that, a dream, based on your fears.

Karen: I am so glad that you weren't more seriously hurt, and pray your physical wounds heal quickly...we all know how slowly the emotional wounds heal.

Tony: Forgiveness...elusive for many, difficult for all. My heart to you.

Trudi: I am so glad you have your brother, but so sad for the reason that he understands.

Rhonda: Totally understand your feelings of not wanting CJ to go...last year when Cathi and I sat down at the baseball game next to that young man who seemed to be Mike's twin, I didn't want the game to end---just sitting beside this stranger with the face of my son was like a gift...a pleasing yet tormenting gift, all in one.

I have to go and get our things ready for tomorrow...we have no idea what their plans will be, and need to be prepared in case they want Ralph to have the surgery this week. His PCP seemed to think that could possibly be their plan, since Ralph is having so much pain and discomfort. I will keep you posted.

So sorry for posting such depressing news all around...I was tempted to just delete, but as I told Davis, as much as sharing your joy doubles it, sharing your pain with the right people (those who can understand it and understand why sometimes even mundane things can seem so painful) can lessen its impact.

My love to all, may peace-filled moments soothe your heart.

[ericasmom]

Lorri, thanks Sister, sounds delightful. I have those ingredients, well not the sauce, but I can whip some up I think,using cream an butter and parmesean.

Carol, my sweet friend, how heavy your heart is right now for all the reasons you listed and for all those you didn't. For everything we share, there is always more isn't there? I am sorry that Davis chose to return to get rid of the pain, so sorry that he made that decision. I am sorry that he felt guilty to begin with when in fact, he was right to walk away from one who is self-destructive. Now he is being self-destructive and begs to be believed. What a hard road to walk uphill back to the place of strength...and I will send extra prayers for sweet Davis, to let his sweetest Mike direct him to do the right thing, take th eright road and earn back your trust and earn back self respect.

I shall also pray for Cathi and Jaime, no more problems dear Lord, no more sadness for this family, let the clouds pass and reveal in thier place a gloriously sunny time in which all the above mentioned parties, including Ralph and Carol, regain strength and good health and sound decision making skills. Please Lord and Mike, shine on them

Peace to you adn guide them.

[sadmomm]

carol I agree with you the weed is a starter killer. i am glad you are on top of this problem with your child?

dee i am not above the fog at all so many many regrets.. i took a brief walk this evening a start..If i had only put my childs happiness as #1 instead of my own i believe this tragedy wouldn't have happened. I have been talking to a few gals on the phone that helps a lot..this materialistic game we play hurts our kids.. i am so tuned in to it but was taught by someone who didn't love my child.. It is very sad.

[westleysmom]

Carol-I'm so sorry for all that your family is going through right now. I remember your telling us about the man at the ballgame last year that looked like Mike and it was so heartbreaking. I so hope that Davis can turn this thing around and that telling you about it shows that he wants to earn back your trust. Take care of Ralph and be sure to take care of you. Your whole family will be in my heart and mind this week as you face all that you must face and do all that you must do. Sometimes it seems that one day at a time is even too much because the days hold so much grief and pain. Hugs to you and strength for the days.

Lorri-That does sound good and easy too. I may try it soon.

Betty-Thanks for your kind words. I thought of you when I went to the play last week, you're the only person I know who lives in NYC, and that makes me think of Broadway. I've only been to one play in NYC. Some friends of mine took me to see Aida on my 40th birthday because we were there on business. That seems a lifetime ago. I suppose it was.

Dee-I just keep thinking its going to get better and it seems it almost does, and then its horrible again. I haven't turned a real corner yet, and I feel like something is holding me back and I'm not sure what, or if there's anything I could do about it even if I knew what it was. We had the birthday at MILs today and afterward I went to the cemetery and cried for a while. Came home to be quiet, that's what i have to do after going to the cemetery. Just be still and oh so quiet.

I hope that all of you sleep well and have sweet dreams of those we love.

[Guest msnher]

Carol - If you can't come here and tell us your world seems like it is falling apart, where can you go? We get it! I'm so sorry for what you're going through with Davis. Unfortunately, I get that, too! Hugs to you, my dear friend. Please let us know as soon as you are able, both physically and emotionally, how things are going. I know I really want to know; I'm sure everyone really wants to know. Only if you want tell, of course.

Tony - I'm impressed that you went on that trip at all. I think you did wonderful. I understand wishing the plane would crash. I realize I have to live but I'm okay with dying. Sermons on forgiveness and miracles chap my hide.

Well, I began this post several hours ago. I just got home for babysitting Little Curtis. He and Grandma had a grand time together. His new phrase is "Oh ginness" (Oh Goodness) I love it.

I'll try to catch up tomorrow. Love and peace to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

More tornadoes pounding the midwest. Prayers for all of you!

[mikesmum]

Carol - My dear friend. I have fired off an email to the man in charge about the over use of 'giving you only what you can handle'. Its enough, take a pass please and get back to me much much later.

I can only imagine the war between your heart telling you want you really want to hear and your head that tells you what you are actually hearing is real.

Davis may very well be 'stepping back' momentarily. Either way he needs to given the boundaries. Not to add to his load but to know what is his load.

You have given him the best opportunity to turn his life around and hard as it is, its up to him now to take your lead and build on it.

I am so sorry to hear that Jamie and Cathi as well as Ralph are facing their own hills to climb. I wonder if Jamie has something that has an emotional trigger causing a physical illness.

I will keep you in my prayers, for strength, for Davis to find his way, for Jamie, Cathi & Ralph to have the best outcomes......

Wish I could pop in for a cuppa....hugs to you all....Trudi

[Guest msnher]

Mother Teresa said she knew God wouldn't give her more than she could handle; she just wished he didn't trust her so much.

Trudi, your words to Carol were quite wise. I like what you said about setting boundaries not to add to his load but to show him what is his load.

Prayers for all in the path of the storms, the storms inflicted by nature and the storms inflicted by grief.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

The storms were fierce in our area. A thundercloud let loose over our home and stuff was falling off the walls!! Glass breaking, cats running. I have never heard anything as loud as that. Michelle was out and I called her and asked her to stay where she was until the storm subsided. Very Scary.

Forgiveness - WOW. I have been battling with that since day 1. It took me over 2 years to forgive myself. I am trying to forgive the driver, and the other passenger has no remorse. What I have found is anger and hate takes alot of energy. Energy that I do not have. I am working on forgiving the driver, but the other passenger (How do you forgive someone who does not think he did anything wrong)!?!?!

Carol - So glad you can come to us. I have not been placed in that situation; therefore, I cannot comment on right or wrong. But I do know that we love you, care about you and are praying for you - always.

Lorri - I used the Alfredo with Garlic sauce this weekend also. I cooked Jimmy dean sausage, with Bow-tie noodles, corn, alfredo sauce, and baked it all. YUMMMMMM. Really good.

We had a great conversation with Aaron this weekend. We talked about the fact that you here on BI mention Brian and I love it. This anger seems to be limited to the people at school. Aaron came home on time, did what he was told and hung out with us on Sunday. I loved it.

Take care my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Our prayers to those affected so horridly by the tornadoes last evening. In a blink of an eye, as we all know, life changes.

Prayers for those walking among those that are not.

Peace,

dee