Loss of an Adult Child

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. I wish I had the time today to respond to all for your posts. I am extremely busy this weekend. The golf outing was great yesterday. Brendan's memory was honored in so many ways yesterday. I found myself mixed with emotions all day. After my Grandma's funeral I thought I was on course to have a terrible day. I ended up having a very nice time at the golf outing. I know Brendan would have been so proud of us. We raised over $25,000 yesterday. I also noticed at this golf outing alone that including us there were 6 couples golfing who have lost a child. And those are only the ones that I know about. I am sure there were more there. Everybody was so supportive. I even found myself smiling and laughing once in a while. I missed Brendan all day long as usual, but both Michele and I lived a little bit yesterday.

Today I trained 25 kids at am umpire clinic. 48 degrees again in WI. I can't wait to head to Florida on Monday. We had our first house showing today as well. Maybe we will get lucky and sell this house fast. On a final note, I accepted the position as the Varsity Girls Basketball Coach. My doubts are gone and I am ready to take on this new challenge. Thank you to everybody for supporting me and helping me gain the confidence to make this decision.

CJ

I know how hard it is do go back to doing the things you love. I was the same way, but now I am starting to enjoy those things again. Our children would want that for us. I hope you learn to love golf again.

Thinking of you all

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[ericasmom]

OH TONY! My heart is smiling as is your Grandmoms and Brendan's as you and Michele make your way step by step into this new world. Imagine what you caused in those other families yesterday, given the chance to support another couple who have lost a child makes them a little bit closer to Whole too, and when we look into a crowd now, we know we don't stand alone. When we speak of our Child, or raise funds in tier name, we know that we are raising our voices for all those parents who are unable to yet discuss the loss in their own hearts. You are helping others as you find help yourself, a circle, another circle in our lives. I am so very proud of the day you made so much work, taking your Grandmom's love with you unto the day.

My Son called and told me that he is in a bit less pain, feels pretty good to know that on Monday he will have an MRI, an open one, (less squimish about the open variety) and tha the ate and is calm right now. So I am a happy woman that he feels that there is a plan and that he will be okay.

[mikesmomrs]

I was just checking in before going out to the yard to maybe do some planting, and Dee, SO, SO glad to hear that Jon is doing a little better, prayers continue...and SO SO glad to hear from you, Tony, that you had a good day, joining in with others and winding up with some joy in your heart (and Michelle) and most especially to read your post to CJ: "I know how hard it is do go back to doing the things you love. I was the same way, but now I am starting to enjoy those things again. Our children would want that for us. I hope you learn to love golf again." These words come from a heart that is broken, but finding its way to a place of healing, slowly, but surely. It is so heartwarming to see when some of us take steps forward that bring some joy to our hearts...thank you so much for sharing. It doesn't mean the pain is over, but it truly means that the sun is beginning to work its way into your heart, a little bit at a time...along with Brendan's and your grandmother's help, likely. Have a good weekend.

love to all of my indigo family...

[andy88]

Hello Indigos,

Rough day today. My niece was here for a week, and she just left this morning. It was so nice having here here, and I didn't cry at all, so of course, now the floodgates have opened. The house feels empty and sad again. Also, last night we took 2 of Andy's best friends out for dinner. They were very upset that I had talked to another friend about renting out Andy's room to her. I don't know if I told you this, but Andy died of a drug overdose. This particular girl had told Andy she wouldn't hang with him any more unless he stopped doing ALL drugs, and she stuck to it. I don't fault her at all for that because she was doing what she thought he really needed, but the friends feel that she abandoned him and their circle of friends. The truth is we all loved Andy and were each doing the best we could to help him. So anyway, now I'm torn. They were crying and saying they wanted it to stay "Andy's room", not "Her Room". My heart goes out to them. My heart goes out to her too because she is racked with guilt thinking maybe she did the wrong thing. The other kids are wracked with guilt because they couldn't stop what happened either. I don't know what to do. In my mind, renting out his room doesn't mean I love him one miniscule bit less. I was thinking it would be nice to see lights on up there again and have somebody else around. They feel betrayed. Also, I felt comfortable renting to her because she doesn't do any partying. I couldn't possibly go through this again. Anyway, would love a second opinion on all this. On the plus side, I planted 6 tomato plants, 2 peppers, and some cucumbers this afternoon.

Tony, I am very sorry about your grandmother, and I feel certain she and Brendan are happily together right now. Good for you for taking the job!

Dee, glad to hear Jon is doing better.

CJ, keeping you close to my heart during this difficult time.

Everyone, thinking of you every day and loving you all.

Pam

[lolynbo]

Lorri, you're not a cry baby. I know how you feel. I have always tried to get to graduations and when people bowed out on my kids, I was hurt. What I keep in mind, the people that matter were there. Great cake.

WELL LEAST IM NORMAL, TEXT MY SISTER TODAY AND TOLD HER I WAS UPSET, SHE WROTE BACK "WELL SORRY WE SUK"...WHAT EVER...IM DONE...

NO I DIDNT DESIGN THE CAKE I TOLD HER HE RACED, SCHOOL COLORS, AND GUITARS, SO THATS WHAT SHE DID...IT WAS VERY VERY GOOD TOO..

DEE, PRAYERS FOR YOUR BOY...HOPE HES ON THE MEND AND HOME SOON..

[daveydow1]

Lorri----Sorry that the wedding cakes got ruined when the freezer got unplugged. also, sorry that your

family didn't come to Kody's graduation. It does hurt when family members & others who are close

decide to just skip these very special events. CONGRATULATIONS & GOOD LUCK to KODY in

whatever he decides to do, now that high school is behind him.

Betsy----Oh, yes, it is a mess to clean up after birds ....YUK. A bird has a nest in the eaves of our

barn, and there is white bird droppings splattered on the red metal siding, and it is almost impossible to

get it scrubbed off......takes a lot of heavy scrubbing with a strong solution of cleaning stuff.

Sending prayers to you since this is a hard time of year for you, ...losing your dear mom and

uncle in a short period of time. Prayers.

Lori---mom2angels-----Little Gio must be a delightful and lovable little guy. He's adorable.

Tony-----Glad that you feel good about taking the coaching job for girls varsity baseball. Good luck

with it. Also, glad that you have been having some softer, less painful days. Brendan is with you always.

Dee----Glad to hear that Jon is doing a bit better, and that he will have the MRI Monday. I hope that the

Drs. will find out what the problem is. I can understand Jon's hatred of hospitals. Sending prayers

for his comfort. We planted 2 rows of beets yesterday......hope the expreme thunderstorm didn't wipe

them out. Denny has green onions and radishes up. The dogwood tree is in bloom, (white), as is the two

lilac bushes,(purple) and a vibernum bush. Peonies are budding, and also iris. How's your garden coming

along ? They haven't planted our fields yet, although it is high time to do it, but there has just been

too much rain. Luckily no flooding here. I feel sorry for the people along the Mississippi R. with all

the flooding they've been having.

Carol----You wrote that you knew 17 mo. in advance that your dear Mike was terminal. How that must

have broken your heart...over & over again....wanting to have happy memories, and at the same time

having your hearts breaking.It's always devastating to lose a child...no matter what

way they leave this world. Mike's words to you....."Mom, don't die because I do"......such wise and loving

words from a young man with a heart of gold. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about you & your

family and the heartache you have. Peace & prayers, friend.

Pam----It would be nice to have someone else in the house with you......if you decide to rent Andy's

room out to the girl. I'm so sorry for your loss of dear sweet Andy. Your love for your son shows in

the words that you post. Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[charsng1234]

iT HAS BEEN 4 MONTHS TODAY.. I am not going to have the best day..

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

Tony, I am so happy you are taking the girls coaching job. And yes, there are many more parents who have lost children than we know about.

Rhonda - Brian was also into fire. Him and his friends were burning ants with a magnifying glass and started a grass fire in our neighborhood. The fire was in an empty lot. The homes on either side were not happy. Yes, my son was a hellien - yes I know. I could go on and on, but gluing himself together was not one of the things he did (I am still laughing about that. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall.)

Sherry - It is wierd what affects us. I never thought grocery shopping would be tough, but it is. As time goes on, it becomes easier. How is the weather where you are? We are cool, windy and rainy - again.

2 angels in heaven - WOW, What a joy that little-man is. Makes you smile, laughs alot. It is hard to believe that his parents do not want him. That hurts my heart since we have lost our children and would trade places with them in a second.

Dee - Do you have this yucky weather also?

Andy's Mom - Yes, we all did what we thought was right at the time. Whether it be tough love, enablement, or anything else. I am a bit envious with your relationship with Andy's friends. Like I said, Brian's friends disappeared. Most of them. We do hear from 1 or 2, but out of the hundreds he had - sad thing to deal with.

Take care my friends - lazy day today

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Pam - Personally, I would go with the friend who had the guts to stand up to your son and tell him to get his act together. Please understand I speak from my own experience of dealing with the horrors of drugs. Steph's friends used to try to rent an apartment from me thinking that being her friend would help them. They were wrong. Going through that hell with Stephanie (and my son) was hard enough without adding all their friends to the equation. I'm sure all those friends love you son and were his friends, but his real friend was the girl who said "enough". Chances are she is the more responsible one. It's okay to make a choice that makes life easier for you.

Colleen - Brian was a hellian on earth and a shaker and mover "geterdone" spirit now. Can't help but love him.

Dee - Still sending healing energy to Jon's spine. And, to your heart so your fears will be replaced with peace.

Sherry - My heart goes out to all the people in the path of the Mississippi, too.

I keep getting sidetracked so I must be through talking. My love goes to all of you. Oh, Tony, I call experiences like what you had yesterday "sweet sorrow". Before our children died did we know a person could experience joy and gratitude while their heart was breaking? Maybe we did because that goes along with being a parent. But, we had no idea the depth that sorrow could reach and still experience the joy and gratitude of life.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Oh. Lorri, because I follow you on facebook, I forget to respond to you on either site.

I don't know which picture it was that caught my eye, recently on facebook, but I took a minute and looked through all your photos. What struck me, besides your hubby's hair, was the love you all have for each other. So apparent in each photo. I'm not trying to make light of the fact that your family didn't come to Kody's graduation, I just never had that...family. A few days ago my son sat in my living room watching me interact with his two children, Kaylee 3yrs old and Little Curtis 2yrs old. It was obvious they were quite secure here and very comfortable doing what they wanted to do. Each child knew exactly where we kept what ever it was they wanted. My son remarked how he wished he had a grandma like his children has. I told him I understood and that at 52 yrs old I am just now beginning to miss not having a mom and a dad. I also told him how proud I am of him and his wife for straightening out their lives and raising their children the way they are. I told him I watch him and Cindy with their kids and I realize "that's what it feels like to have a mommy and daddy".

The important people were at Kody's graduation. The people that matter, really matter, were there. It is obvious that you and your hubby love your children the same way my son and his wife love theirs. That's the glue that holds you together.

[ericasmom]

Lorri, did your Sis have anything else to add to that? Is there strife in her life that prevents her from showing up lately?

Pam, I would be torn as well as to who's ideas you would most like to side or agree with, not wanting to let anyone down. I might tell all that you are not ready yet to make these decisions, but I tend to agree with Sus on this one, that the young lady that told him NO, can't hang out till you quit the life altering stuff, is a strong friend. The others see themselves as Andy's buds, and they are, but they aren't ready to acknowledge that drugs cause death and that she did not turn her back, she protected herself and stood up for what she believed. It may be very emotional for you to have anyone that same age in the house, and if it makes the others uncomfortable and you are not wanting to lose the closeness with them you may want to just keep things as they are right now. I am no help in this obviously so good luck in your decision.

Sharon, the dates make some days feel very long. Hang tight as you make it through this hurdle.

Leah, Sonya, Mary Anne, Elaine, Marcia, Bonnie, Kaye, Terri, Michelle from downunder, and all the Moms and Dads we don't see as often, I am thinking of you.

[ericasmom]

Colleen the weather SUCKS big time, frost warnings this evening. HOly Cow, from the 90's (too hot) to the 40's with rain and high winds...spring, I am looking for you...

[Toby'sMom]

Why do we count? I find myself doing the same thing. Friday evenings is the day that marks the week, the 1st of every month marks the month. Even the cycle of the moon is a way to count. My husband noted that there was no moon the night of Toby's accident. Now I watch the phases of the moon too. I looked on the calendar yesterday for next day without a moon.

We count when our baby is born, first days, then weeks, then months, then years. Milestones that mark the growth and successes that come with time. I am not sure what we are counting now. Days, weeks, months and years without our babies. It is all so sad.

I hope you have a better day today - as you will see on my other post, mine started with a bit of a meltdown. I am more peaceful at the moment.

Wishing you peace Sharon,

Cheryl

iT HAS BEEN 4 MONTHS TODAY.. I am not going to have the best day..

[lolynbo]

Lorri, did your Sis have anything else to add to that? Is there strife in her life that prevents her from showing up lately?

YES DEE, LACK OF $$$ AS I SAID SHE IS SO UNHAPPY IN HER MARRIAGE I THINK SHES MOVING IN WITH US THIS SUMMER, SHE IS SUPPOSE TO LET HER GRANDSON GO LIVE WITH HIS MOM AGAIN, (VERY SCARRY MOVE, SHES VERY IRRESPONSIBLE)..SO IM NOT MAD AT HER PERSAY, JUST DISPPOINTED IN EVERYONE FOR NOT EVEN TEXTING OR SENDING A CARD....ITS NOT THE MONEY AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, ITS THE THOUGHT..OR LACK OF

HOPE ALL IS WELL AS WELL AS CAN BE WITH ALL..

WHY DO WE COUNT, CUZ WERE IN PAIN...THAT NEVER ENDS

[crystalann]

Hello all,

I have been trying to keep up with the post.I got sick right after my son.I didnt have strep just a sinus and ear infection.It is the second time since Tyler has been gone.My doc seems to think it is from crying so much idk.I am feeling better now.

On the subject of or childrens friends.I have so many teens flocking to my house like birds of a feather.I have custody of Lucy Tylers girlfriend.My friend with cancer her husband kicked her and her daughter out.She went to Reno but I kept her daughter.Another teen boy that just moved here with his dad he never met.He got kicked out and is now here.Is dad will also sign over custody.I think what is wrong with these parents?These kids are great! They help without being asked they pick up after themselves.They do their own laundry.So I told my husband we need to buy a bunch of air beds.I just have this feeling more are on their way.I cant turn them away I feel so bad for them.They are all still so hurt over Tyler.How could their parents not care?

Sorry I am going on and on.

I hope you all find a way to smile today.

Love to all,Crystal

[westleysmom]

Today I am 49 years old. I never expected to have a birthday without my son here, much less two. I would have guessed that I would have died before that happened, but I was wrong about so many things and that was one of them. It has been hard to pretend to care that it is my birthday, and I'm glad its almost over. My daughter kept saying that if we wanted to go somewhere tonight for my birthday, to let her know. But after "celebrating" at work Friday and seeing Susan yesterday (she treated me for lunch in honor of me getting old), and the birthday cake and stuff at my MILs today, I'm over it. I went to the cemetery and that always wears me out, but I feel drawn there on Sunday afternoons. Its very cool here for May and last week, I could barely sit on my little bench at the cemetery because it was so hot. I just want my jammies and to be quiet this evening.

Colleen-Westley had been described as a hellian more than once. Brian and him sound so much alike. Yes, gluing your hand to your face in not one, but two different spots is something that most people never do.

I am in the dark place and just want to stay here a little while and be sad. I know the way out, but sometimes its just more effort than I want to put into it to crawl out. I hope that none of you are there, and if you are that you find the energy to get out soon. Maybe in the morning.

[shorty16]

Happy Birthday Rhonda

[shorty16]

Cheryl

We used to count also. I think my family counted, because we just could not believe Brian was dead. Our entire family dynamic changed. At first, it was 9:30 pm every night. Then, every Thursday, Then (for a long time) every 19th of the month. The 19th of the month went on for quite a while.

We are almost 3 years into this grief journey and counting does not happen too much anymore. What happens now is when we see a date with a year, I will determine if that date and year were when Brian was alive or after his death. That continues.

This whole thing is a journey, not a destination. We will forever be sad for the loss of our children, but smiles do come back.

Hang on my friend - it does get better. We have to look for happiness, it does not come running down the stairs to us anymore. Finding happiness is hard, at first. But once I felt the happiness, I wanted more. Therefore, I really try to look for happiness now. Flowers, sunlight, my surviving children, my friends on this site.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Toby'sMom]

Colleen,

Thanks for the comments on "counting" - I feel better knowing I am not being obsessive about it. My kids always joked about my being a bit OCD....and I felt like I am the only one counting...

We are trying as a family to keep to our routines and to try and enjoy each others company - even if it is a simple thing like going to breakfast on Sunday morning, having a ice cream cone on a warm evening. I have craved sunlight since Toby's passing - it is comforting somehow. Reading my Kindle outdoors is a great escape. At least the weather cooperates for the most part in sunny So Cal.

I am already seeing that there are some days that are better than others. I am hopeful that the peaks and valleys level off a bit - more peaks, fewer shallower valleys.

Thanks to everyone for sharing on this site. It is reassuring to know that others are getting through it one day at a time.

Wishing you peace,

Cheryl

[aim630]

Happy Birthday Rhonda

Lorri, Congrats on Kody graduating. the cake looked great.

I've been in the dark place lately myself. That's why I haven't posted much, but I have been reading.

Goodnight all,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Rhonda said: I am in the dark place and just want to stay here a little while and be sad. I know the way out, but sometimes its just more effort than I want to put into it to crawl out. I hope that none of you are there, and if you are that you find the energy to get out soon. Maybe in the morning.

Rhonda, the fact that you know that you are there and that you need to stay for a bit, you need to be there and that you know the way out...well that speaks volumes. And even though you want the birthday celebrations to end, I will say that on behalf of those of us here that love you, and your family who adores you, I am glad for the day you were born. I am sad for the day you were born to us here, but glad that you found this place. May your sleep tonight be filled with good messages from Westley.

Crystal, I am glad that you are the port in the storm for these kids, and at the same time, I am worried for you too. To take on the many lives of teens is huge and wonderfully giving of you, as they are indeed a little-understood group, but you are in grief and I hate for too many kids to land on your doorstop as I worry about your being taken advantage of...not even in a deliberate way, but teens do have that ability to think in a very 'ego-centric style'. Maybe I am totally off base with that thought in which case please forgive me. I am very glad taht you are better after also being sick. I assume your Son is back to his old self after strep.

Lorri, I am sorry your Sis is dealing with so much, hate to think that the little one may suffer from that decision. Prayers.

[ericasmom]

Cheryl, good to see you finding ways to step into the days, sunlight is definitely a way to feel better. What are you reading these days? Counting by the way, is totally common in an uncommon circumstance such as ours. We count to help us make sense of this time, to also help us make sure that we understand that it is real, it is a way for us to live in both worlds, the world before this loss and this world now, how many days since, how many days as a Mom who has lost a child...I too counted the time each day of Eri's death but also each night of that phone call, that awful call. Each night for many months I walked outside at the same time to mimic that night, I tried to remember my cell phone converstation with Eri on my walk each night...I listened to the birds as I always do on my walks, I went in the house to sit with my husband adn then at 9:15pm I would bristle adn feel scared, that was the time of the call. From there, I counted each week twice, Tuesdays as the accident date, Mondays as her death. Then months, twice, the 8th as her accident, the 14th her death. Each month I wrote to her cousins and friends, and my sisters via email in a long Eri-centered email, each month on either the 8th or the 14th for 2 years. The kids wanted the letter, they wanted to be part of this group that could move forward in part because of all of the players, and in part because Erica drove us, feeding us in our dreams, our little funky signs, all the ways Eri could come to us. After two years I told the kids it was time for me to let time jplay itself out differently, to let go a bit of those numbers...Each year on or around the 18th, her funeral date in July, we have a gathering in Eri's honor, ERI-fest in our back yard. We raise some money to fuel the fund we have in her name at the school I work, and we just gather and share our lives on a summer afternoon. There are babies now that have been born to her friends and to her cousins, we gather under ERi's love and say thank you to her for being here in the first place. We count because we need to mark our times.

Amy, my thoughts to you as you find your way to the surface again. Your daughter;'s graduation must be playing a role here, bitter sweet. Another mark of time, a banner mark, and it aches I know.

[westleysmom]

Thanks Dee for that sweet birthday message. I didn't know the story of your counting at first. I know that at first every Wednesday was a torture. When I woke up on the morning, I wanted it to be that Wednesday again and do it right this time, where we all came home together and laughed about how scared we were, he didn't really die. And then there were the 13ths, never was scared of 13 before it happened. I guess there's no reason to be now either, since the bad thing has already happened. I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in there about how we count the time so differently now, but the same. I know when I think that there may be a day when I've lived as long after he died as while he was alive, that's when I have to remind myself about the one day at a time rule. Its too much to comprehend.

Amy-I'm sorry that you are there too. I know it must be very hard with all the things going on with graduation and all, you and Lorri are both on my mind as you go through all of that.

Crystal-Hoping you feel better soon too.

I do so hope that Westley dreams are in store tonight. I need a booster shot. Love to you all and dreams of the one (or two or more) that you miss so much.

[ericasmom]

Goodnight All, sleep with sweet thoughts and may the sun shine on us all tomorrow.

[mikesmum]

I remember the 'counting' well before Mike died. My dad went for bypass surgery 13th Feb 1980. He entered theatre at 8am. My brain worked through the 'operation timetable'. Our phone rang at 2.30pm, the time he was due back in recovery. The call was for us to get there asap, he was bleeding out and they needed to match us all for platelets.....that was 31 years ago. Its not so 'fresh' in my thoughts, but it is always there.

With Mike, well its my day. His last day was my work day. The timetable of that day is forever linked to a job I loved, that I believed I was good at.

That too is fading just a little....not because I miss my boy any less, its just that its finding its place.

One visit with my psych he asked how I was doing...."I'm just sad" was my response. That was a 'break through' moment. The anger the whatifs all that had been washed over by the sadness of losing Mike, the realisation that this wasn't just a dream (nightmare), but a reality.

Family - Lorri, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em either.....Love you BB has graduated, that's the 'family' that is so important, you Kourtney, Kimmy, Kody and Monty...

Millon Paws Walk went well despite cold wet day....Muttley is now offically a 'mud mutt'. Being so close to the ground doesn't help....

The group about to head out

Jeya made friends with so many puppies

Mal with Muttley, Jeya in stroller, Caleb pushing. Em and I had to do some 'housekeeping' for the pup who waited till the start of the walk to go potty...

[ericasmom]

Prayers if you can, for JOnathan this morning as he goes for an MRI.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Prayers for Jon and for you. Are you working today? When is school out for summer? Our last day is the 27th at noon.

Rhonda - Belated Happy Birthday. You were able to do quite a bit for your birthday, taking the night off is understandable. I don't "count" so much anymore. I still notice 10:55am every Sunday though. At first I didn't want time to move because it was taking me away from the last time I saw Stephanie. Now I welcome the passing of time because it brings me closer to being with her again. How is your friend, Susan, doing? She's the one whose son died, isn't she?

I received a call from a friend whose daughter killed herself four months after Stephanie died. Please keep her in your prayers. She is going through what we all go through. Just a dark time. We were able to laugh a little, cry a little and talk a lot. Pray for Jackie's mom. Thanks.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Dee - I am praying for Jon!!

Good Morning my friends,

Well, the wind has finally calmed abit. My poor bird-feeder has just been abused. Knocked over one to many times by the wind. The poor birds are mad at me now. The bird feeder is sitting on our picnic table, waiting for the wind to slow. I need a better set-up for that thing.

Trudi - So nice to hear from down-under. Your area is finishing with Summer and going into Autumn - right?

Well, this is finals week for Michelle. She has decided not to go to summer school so she can enjoy her summer. She will continue to work at Old Navy in Brookfield Square. I say go-for-it girl!! Michelle works very hard for her grades. She deserves the time off. Besides, Scott and I will leave a list of chores to be done by each of the kids.

So, Aaron signed up for his driving test. Guess what date??? July 12, Brian's birthday. Is that an omen? Or am I just being paranoid?

Lori - We remembered Kody's graduation.

Love to my friends,

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Susannah-Susan is doing okay, she got a new job and said that has helped a lot. Keeps her very busy. They are trying to sell their house and move closer to the new job, and also sell their hardware store, which has suffered greatly since Wal Mart and Tractor Supply opened stores in their little town. She and I haven't written letters much lately because we've both been so busy at work, but getting together in person is better. It is so much easier to be with someone who doesn't even blink when you tear up in the in middle of a conversation. Thinking of Jackie's Mom today and hoping that she feels a little sunlight today.

Dee-Hope all goes well with Jon's MRI and that he gets relief from his pain soon.

Colleen-I think that kids need their summers off if the program allows it. I'm sure some programs don't, so you do what you have to do, but a little break helps them to be able to get back to it with more enthusiasm in the fall. I'm glad Michelle is doing so well and that she'll also have time to help out her Mom and Dad this summer. Good luck to Aaron on the driving test.

Trudi-Great pictures of your day walking.

Back to work today and kind of glad of it, except that its dreary and rainy and cool and makes me want to stay in bed and just sleep. But as the song says there ain't no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees, I got bills to pay I got mouths to feed, there ain't nothing in this world for free. You may never have heard it, but it really is a song, and it really is true. Hugs to all of you as you do what you gotta do.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, that song is surely true, and work does save me from myself on many a day...I am worried about Jon, my stomach is turning and dreams and anxiety woke me, woke jonathan as well. But I must look at today as the start of his finding out what it is he must do to be well again.

Col, glad that Michelle is going to have some SUMMER! I think that Aaron taking his test on Brian's date is a way for Brian to say, I have ya Bro, got your back.

Sus, we get out on June 7th.

Sunny here today, finally, cool but sunny how nice.

[lolynbo]

AHH COLLEEN YES YAL DID...THANK YAL...I TOLD HIM TO GET BIZZY WITH THANK YOU NOTES NOW..LOL

BRENT, CARLEY AND BRINLEY CAME OVER LAST NIGHT SO CARLEY CLD TAN, BRENT PLAYED KODYS RACING GAME, THEY WERE HERE FOR 4 HOURS...WAS GREAT VISIT...WNDERED WHAT KOURTNEY THINKS ABOUT THAT, WNDR HOW WEIRD WAS IT FOR BRENT, AND CARLEY?....GOT ME SOME GOOD SUGARS OFF BRINLEY,,,SHE COMES TO ME EVEN WHEN SHES IN HER MOMMAS OR DADDYS ARMS....

[mikesmomrs]

LORRI: So glad that you got such a nice long visit with Brinley (and Cody and Carley)...and especially that Brinley is so comfortable with you and loves to come to you. I imagine it does seem a little strange, but likely, from what you've told us of her, your Kourtney is smiling on this family, proud of their accomplishments and of their beautiful child, and of course, of you.

DEE: I am sorry that you both had such a hard night's sleep...hopefully that will change soon. Prayers still for you and for Jon that he is given some freedom from this nightmare and will be better.

COLLEEN: Sounds like Michelle is going to have a really good summer...good for her! What is Kody planning to do? Our daughter Kim's oldest, Rebekah, who is 14, has been accepted into a program where she has to attend a science course this summer...it is only six weeks, but will give her a true help with the program she is in during the school year. I don't completely understand it all, but she is in a charter school, and has lots of extra courses, because she's already gone through some of the regular high school courses in preparation for high school. It's complicated. Anyway, she will have two weeks off and we are going down there at that time and bring her and her sister up here for a week for a break. can't wait to see them. Good luck to Aaron on his driving test, and I agree, having it on Brian's day could be that Brian is telling him he has his back.

RHONDA: A belated Happy Birthday to you...it sounds as if you did have somewhat of a good day, but when you were done with it, you recognized that and it was enough. I hope you had a good night's sleep. Good luck to your friend Susan on her move. She has a good friend in you, and it seems that goes true for her being a good friend to you, as well.

SUS: You wrote: "Now I welcome the passing of time because it brings me closer to being with her again." I think this kind of "marks" a passing of a step in our grief journey...I felt the same, and it took a while for me to feel the "brings me closer" part. I wanted to call Amanda this weekend, but we had such a hectic one, filled with much joy and then Sunday, filled with much sadness.

The joy part was Cathi's birthday...a bittersweet day for her, as the day is the 14th, the same day on which she lost her brother. At the time she said she did not want to celebrate her birthday, ever again, but eventually remembered her brother's feelings about that sort of thing, and slowly, over a couple of years, agreed to allow it. Since then, she has come around to finding joy in it, as well. To emphasize this, her brother usually lets her know tha the is proud of her. This particular year, there are two times...I have a blanket that was on Mike's bed during his time that he was confined. I had offered it to her a while back but she said that she couldn't use it, for various reasons. Somehow, over the past couple of months, it surfaced again in my cleaning process of the back bedroom. She was here that day and I offered it to her again. She hesitated and then took it. However, she wound up unintentially leaving it in her truck. Saturday morning she was at Jamie's baseball game and was sitting there talking to a friend. She mentioned Mike and that this was the day he died. (This friend knew of the history of Cathi and her brother.) Shortly after, the winds came up, and Cathi was complaining of being really cold as she hadn't brought a jacket. Then she remembered the blanket in the truck and went and got it and put it around her. Her friend smiled at her and said, "well, now you are wrapped in your brother's blanket and his love." Later, Cathi and jamie were going through the local farmer's market, and there was a guitar player at the entrance, strumming, with his case open in front of him. Cathi told Jamie they would put something in the case on the way out, as she had no small bills. They had a wonderful time at the market, and then on the way out, passed the guitar player. She put some money in his case, and he started playing (and SINGING) "My Life," by the Beatles. This was the song played at Mike's services, as the pictures of his life were shown on the screen. Jamie looked at Cathi and smiled, as he remembered too. A very nice birthday present for your sister, Mike, nice indeed. Thank you.

The sad is very, very sad. I have mentioned before, Davis's friend, B, who was having serious alcohol problems and after going through a very serious repercussion of his actions, returned to his ways of drinking recklessly. Davis told B at that time that he had to be away from that and hadn't seen him in about a week or so. (Many of you know that Davis went through two years of rehab to leave his own demons behind, and leaving B after B returned to drinking was very difficult for Davis to do) (B and his younger brother have been like brothers to Davis for the last 16 or 17 years...it's always been the "three of them.") Davis went out with another friend yesterday morning, and this friend said they had to go by the B's house for a minute. When they got there, Davis went in with him, saw many people gathered there, and then was told that B's brother had been killed in a car accident that morning. He was 24. It was a horrific accident, just a few miles from here. He had swerved into the other lane and hit another car head on. The other car's occupants are in serious condition (a mother and her 13 yo daughter) and the mother was airlifted to a hosp in Boston last night. Davis came home shortly after, and when he walked in the door, the look on his face made my blood run cold. (We didn't know yet, but that look told me something was terribly, terribly wrong). He had just stepped into the house when he completely broke down. As many of you also know, Davis has suffered a number of losses this past couple of years, along with losing Mike, who Davis always considered his big brother) 5 or 6 friends have died either by their own hand or by an accident, two of his friends' parents have committed suicide, and one friend's mom died of cancer. He was totally crushed yesterday. Eventually, he went back to be with B and his family and spent the rest of the day and night with them. It is a difficult family dynamic, and has always been so. B's dad is flying in; hasn't seen him in many years, as is his sister, also not seen in many years. Not much has been decided regarding services, etc., yet, except that they are using the same funeral parlor that took care of Mike's services. When I told this to Cathi, we both broke down, knowing immediately how difficult it is going to be to go through there...but, of course, we will, we have to. How could we not? At one point last night, we texted Davis to ask how things were going. He replied that they had just taken B's mom home (she and B's brother lived together), and when they did, she completely broke down. Davis wrote that he had never seen such horrific pain in anyone ever before and that he "WOULD REMEMBER THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE." (his caps) I have a feeling that when B's mom went to her home, the first thing that came to her mind was that she would never see her youngest child walk through that door again. I will likely go to see her at some point today, and I can only hold her and let her know that I understand. I know that is not enough, but nothing is enough, as we here all know.

I need to get ready to go to the doctor's with Ralph to see what they are going to do about the gallbladder problem he is having...I know that the surgery for that is much different from when I had mine in 1989, but I am still afraid. I try not to be, try to pull on my faith, but the fear lives in my heart nonetheless.

I will check in with you all later. I hold all of you in my heart, and in my prayers daily. I apologize for this lengthy post of many mixed feelings...such joy for Cathi tempered by such sadness for her oldest son...

[shorty16]

Carol,

I am praying for B and his brother's family. I sure hope this loss does not force B back into the bottle any more than he already is. My heart goes out to that Family.

She is in a daze right now. No thoughts other than the loss of her son are in her head. I pray for that entire family. Glad they have you.

Colleen

[Crystal Rogerson]

Hello Indigos!

Hope this finds each and everyone of you with sun on your face and wind at your backs.

Had the most hectic but SPECTACULAR weekend! It was my granddaughter's 1st birthday. We flew to Colorado Friday after I got off work. Didn't get in until 3:30a.m. Saturday. Had her birthday party all day Saturday then had to fly back Sunday and got home at 11:00pm last night. She has grown so much but is still petite and dainty. Her grandma on her dad's side has taught her patty cake and she dances and does all the motions. My husband took some amazing photos of her. He also bought a camera for our other trip that we are taking Wednesday. I don't really care for the photos that it takes compared to the "good" camera. Until he explained the reasoning and effects it has. He bought this certain camera because it photographs under water and we are getting ready to go to Jamaica for our friends wedding. But NOW...I'm in love with this camera as he says...it has different effects and different filters. I was disgusted and said whatever and he took a photo of me and said this is what we are going to do for Ari...he showed it to me and I was like WOW. It turns your photos into drawings so we are going to make her a coloring book of ourselves for her.

Seeing her and my daughter was AMAZING and did so much for me to give me a boost of oomph. On the down side of the trip...they were suppose to spread my ex-husbands ashes Saturday for his birthday and his mother is holding his ashes hostage. AND the cemetery still had snow and was so muddy we couldn't get back to Meg's grave. She's burried on one mountain facing east and also looking at "her favorite" mountain that she used to go snowboarding on all the time. The bad thing about that is you can basically only get to her grave in the summer months as with all the run off it's always muddy and snowy and you will almost always get stuck in the mud. So I didn't get to check on Meg or say my last goodbye to their dad.

I understand my ex mother in law holding his ashes hostage as she doesn't want to let her baby go (and my ex father in law died 1 month to the day after my ex husband) but the woman has gone bat sh*t crazy! When her husband died one of her other sons (there were 4 boys) was helping her with a floral arrangement. There was to be a pine spray with 4 roses, symbolizing the 4 boys. She says "well I only need 3 roses because I only have 3 kids". He told her "no mom...you have 4 kids"...she replied "what do you mean?" he said " well you have a mom and dad right?" and she said well of course I do. He said "ok, just because your parents are dead, you still have a mom and dad" he said the same goes for your kids. Just because one dies doesn't mean he isn't your child anymore. I know she has gone thru so much in a short amount of time but at least let my daughter have SOME of the ashes so she can spread them herself.

I don't know why I even went off on that little tyrant? As we all grieve in our own way, as we all know, but it just struck me as wierd that she would think she only has 3 children now and that she is holding the dead one hostage from everyone else (but no longer acknowledges him as one of her children since he has died).

Anyway, I am looking forward to the trip Wednesday. It will be nice to go to the beach. We have beaches here, but they all border the Gulf of Mexico and since all the hurricanes, they aren't really pleasant places to go. This will be like a second honeymoon for us, as we were married in Jamaica.

Have to go for now. will check back later.

Love and light too all

Crystal- Meg's mom

[kmb22]

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[ericasmom]

YOu know Karen, I had to look at Shawn's angel date to remind me of how early you are on this journey. Your recent dark times are one of those visits to the bottomless pit we are thrust when we lose a child. Your posts in the past have sounded more like one who has journeyed longer in this realm, but now I remember and see that you are not here long. Though at times it is a forever feeling, a lifetime ago you were a different woman. The whole time thing really hits sometimes, vacillating between weeks ago/lifetime ago. You are rounding that corner toward the year mark, and while it still months away, it rolls itself around in your head, your heart, and it leaves a very bitter taste. I wish that I could make it all feel better at once, but nobody can, it is the process itself that will eventually make you feel better, show you how strong you really are, even though you don't feel as though you are. You are. Nobody gets to this point in grieving their child and can be called weak. We feel weak, we wish we could disappear sometimes, we are tired all the time, grief is exhausting, but we are not weak. You are strong Karen, even when you wish you did not have to be, it is in your DNA and it is also in your fate, the circumstances have ruled in favor of strength. Let yourself go there, to that pit, finding ways to feel the sunlight again is one of the ways we find our spirit or redefine our spirit. It is in those dark caverns of our sadness tha twe often find something gleaming, it is in those tiny pieces of gold that we redirect our lives.

I will post that song for all of you newbies, Down in the Catacombs by Poi Dog Pondering, a song I loved always, and when Eri died, I played quite often remembering that it is aboutthose times that we are alone in that dark place.

[ericasmom]

Carol, Davis might also benefit from this music, not only are they fabulous musicians, but their words touch a piece that many cannot. I wish Davis so much love in this very saddest time. He has had so much to deal with in his young life, somehow the direction he takes could definitely be formed by these events...in a good way. I hope that his friend is able now to see the sanctity in life, but if not, I pray that Davis has the ability to do as he had done, walk the other way until that time when he is called to help.Your arms around that grieving Momma will go a long way Carol, knowing what she must about your heart. Two moms holding onto the last of a time, one who has found her new start, one who will need to walk on glass and through fire to find it.

[ericasmom]

To All, thanks for the prayers for Jonathan. His MRI was read and we know now that he has a herniated disk in his upper spine. Tomorrow he will go to an appointment with my husband, to see an orthopedic doctor. Fingers crossed, but right now I know my son feels some relief knowing that what he has is something that can be worked on and hopefully fixed. He does not want surgery and it is not always suggested, but we shall see.

I truly thank you for your very warm energy that you sent, i feel it swirling about.

Prayers for Ralph Carol, that he heals quickly if surgery is warranted.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, the family photos are dear, precious. Those kids are beauties, like their Grandmom.

[westleysmom]

Carol-I'm so sorry for Davis's friend and his family. I hope that you are able to give some comfort to them as you do all of us here. I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen-I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down. When Susan and I ate lunch Saturday we were talking about last year and what a nightmare and blur it was. The first time she came to see me was in June, Andrew died on January 1, Westley on the 13th. I told her that I really felt like it got much worse during that time period, and she said she knew that it got much worse for her after that first visit in June. I'm just trying to say that you sound like you are on the same kind of track that I am, the numb took a while to wear off, and it seemed like when it did, the pain was even worse for having been numb for so long. Don't worry about what you "should" be feeling like right now, you feel how you feel, and nobody else can tell you how or when to feel "better". I had to remind myself too that your loss was several months after mine because you often capture what I was thinking a lot of the time. Sending you hugs and telling you that it really will get better. You're stronger than you seem and braver than you believe, and smarter than you think. That's what Christopher Robin told Pooh (more or less, I may have it wrong a little) and that's what I'm telling you. Take care.

Dee-Here's hoping that Jon is able to avoid surgery. When my husband had a similar issue several year's ago, he saw a neurolsurgeon and that man was a genius. As soon as he saw the MRI, he told us what the symptoms were (my husband had not told him his symptoms, the dr just asked for the films). He told us how he could fix it and what he would do and what would happen to my husband's arm if he didn't fix it. He said he would lose the use of it altogether, and for a man who makes his living with a hammer, he had to have the surgery. He still hasn't regained all of the strength in the arm, but the pain relief was immediate. So anyway, he didn't want surgery either, but if he hadn't had it, I hate to think where he'd be right now.

Sleep well all, its downright cold feeling in TN, but good sleeping weather. I hope it is where you are too.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Rhonda, I will keep that in mind about the surgery for the repair.

Betty, just checking in on you...at your Sisters?

Goodnight all, may the full moon shine in your windows bathing you in its silver splendor. (I told someone today that it felt like the moon was full...loudness level of children.)

[Guest msnher]

Just checking in. My migrane is finally dimming/easing. Worst headache I've ever had.

Karen Wonderful to see Shawn's face this eveing when I logged on. I know how much you dislike taking pills, I'm so glad you finally went to the doctor. My sweet, sweet friend...how I wish I could take this pain away from you...as I know you would take it away from me, away from any of us. Hypothetically speaking you asked how often you can log on and say you're doing awful. As often as you can, Karen. Just keep talking. Keep telling us how awful you are...day after day. Of course, I have selfish motives...I feel better knowing that at least you're posting and still alive.

Dee - I'm glad Jon finally knows what's wrong with his back. Do you feel less or more worried now?

I know I'm missing something, but the brain went blank. Diane, Tony, CJ, Leah, You're all on my mind!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Carol - Its so hard to see Davis hurting so much. Holding your breath as he supports his friend who doesn't have the backing of family like you and Ralph. My hope is that he is able to gain strength through this to enable him to continue on his path. He has truly come so far, with all the loss he has experienced in his life, it is a hard road for him and in turn you and Ralph. Prayers for you all. Hoping if Ralph has to have any surgery it will be keyhole. Thoughts of you always.

Dee - Prolapsed discs can be so painful. Treatment options vary. Hopefully physio, gentle work and less emphasis on pharmaceuticals will see him fit and well soon....you too are in my thoughts and prayers.

Crystal - I was reminded very early in this journey that we all grieve in our own ways. That went okay till I ran into the walls built by Amanda (MIkes partner at the time of his death). She was next of kin. I was basically nobody. She held the rights to how his service went, when his ashes would be picked up and where they would finally be. She also withheld that location from us... Sad and strange story, she 'married' Mikes ashes on his birthday 6 months after he died. She sent an invitation to Mikes ex, who in turn told us where the ashes were to be scattered. It was a river, somewhere Mike had been as a child. Its a beautiful spot. Unfortunately she didn't take his ashes to the river, she dumped them in the mudflats away from the water. I found them, scooped them up and they are now here with me. Sounds crazy, but you know there was a peace that came over me when I bought Mike home......

Cold and dark here at 5pm.....yes Winter is knocking. Muttley is off to agility training tonight. Those little legs leap over the hurdles, run through the tunnels and round through the hoops.....Love it....

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends.

Well, the sun was shining yesterday and this morning. Lets hope it stays that way.

Dee - Praying for Jon today as he goes to Dr that can help him with his back.

Trudi - Hello my friend. The winds of change to colder weather are coming your way - ours have never left.

CJ/Tony - Hope you two are OK

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo's;

My heart is filled with love to overflowing for each of you. Hoping each of you find a moment (or longer) of peace today.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Thanks you guys, yes I am less worried about Jon's issues now, knowing that he displays classic symptoms and that he is going to a well known and experienced doc of orthopedics. I promised him a cherry pie when he feels good enough to sit upright at the table for dinner.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I was listening to the radio this morning and learned of the Jamie Moyer Foundation. I didn't know that the camp existed and that there are several throughout the country. I thought this may be of help to bereaved parents, grandparents ,aunt,uncles,friends. Moyer is a former Philadelphia Philly btw. Here is the link.

http://www.moyerfoundation.org/programs/camperin.aspx

Thinking of you all today and everyday.

[bus1851]

Hello everyone,

Been busy, back at work full-time daughter in softball and making meetings with Compassionate Friends. All this has me worn out but has helped a lot. Getting back into old routines keeps my mind occupied for long periods and I am not constantly dwelling on negative thoughts. A little sunlight is starting to shine through the darkness.

Marleysdad CJ

[ericasmom]

HOORAY for sunlight, never over-rated!

Betsy, thanks for that link, sounds phenomenal...we could all volunteer our time to help out knowing full well what it means to glue oneself back together.

[shorty16]

WOW - Write this down. It is sunny in Wisconsin - Actually nice out.

Colleen