Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Dee----Yes,....I'm sure we'd have a fine time just being in the midst of nature and sketching away. (I'm not very good,

I'm afraid ), but love the process of seeing, sketching, and putting in color, shapes etc. What a nice way that you

and your husband let the kitties....Stormy & Bullet....go out of this world. So nice of the vet to come to the house. I agree...

it would have been more traumatic if you had to transport them to & from the vet's office. They were old kitties, and

it was nice for them to go together. (I dread the day our Brownie has to be put down due to health problems....she's 15 )

Dave took our other cat....."Kit".....to the vet's to be put to sleep due to health problems. He loved that cat,.....but was

brave enough to realize she was never going to get better. He loved animals so much.

Sharon-----Yes......It's the 'new normal' for we who have lost a beloved child/children, to sometimes be able to

smile and be upbeat,.....and then out of the blue... feel down and in tears. Peace to you.

Colleen----Great prom pics. They look so nice. I hope they had a wonderful night.

Amy----So sorry that the outside kitty died. He was an older cat, and I know you are sad to see him die. Now, he and the

other kitty is meeting with Ashley at the Rainbow Bridge.

Trudi----Glad to hear that you are back at the ocean where your soul is soothed, and you feel so close to Micheal Shane.

CJ---Glad to hear that your first day back at work went well. As others have said---sometimes the anticipation of the day

coming up is worse that the actual day. I guess we've all felt that way at one time or another.

Tony-----You said it so well----"we have to learn to live life,.....even though the pain is there." We will always miss our kids...

that doesn't change. Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

I went for my first little bike ride of the season. John got my bike out of the basement today and I went out there in the waning sunlight. Then as I was riding home the promised storms approached, and the sunset was ushered in with thunderous drumming. The birds singing through it. Lightening adn an orange sky. So pretty. So beautiful and maybe cooling as we have had two 90 degree days. I could use some 65 degree days thank you.

Jon son is in huge pain, bad back like his old mom and bad spasms today, he is hurting very much and on some meds that have not touched it. Prayers for healing if you can. Thanks,

[ModKonnie]

Afternoon everybody. I just wanted to write a quick post. I have a meeting to get to so unfortunately I can't say all the things I would like to. I decided to write in the afternoon today because I seem to be stronger in the afternoon than in the morning. I am feeling stronger today. I think I am learning that I am just going to be sad and miss Brendan every day. That is not going to change. I need to learn to live my life even though the pain is there. I met with the high school today and I am leaning toward taking the new job coaching the Varsity Girls Basketball team. I think it might be just what i need. More importantly I think I can help a lot of people there.

CJ

I am glad you got your first day of work over with. I am also happy that so many of your co-workers were there to support you. I think it will be good for you to be there.

Thinking of you all as always.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

Tony,

I think that is great that you are leaning toward the coaching job. It will be an opportunity to positively impact young peoples' lives, which is honorable. I am glad you are taking these steps forward.

ModKonnie

[mikesmum]

Dee - Prayers and thoughts with Jon as he battles the spasms and pain. Never easy. Glad you got to ride your bike. Here the rain is torrential, temp hoovering around 7C so not much walking. But hey I can still here the ocean when the rain subsides.

Tony - Let your thoughts guide you. If it feels like a good fit, it probably is. Strength to you as you approach another change, a positive change.

Been a bit (!?) distracted of late. Youngest son has given me cause for concern. He was driving on a cancelled licence. "Didn't want to tell you cause you know how you are". His court date was adjourned and he asked if Mal could write him a reference. No problem except I'm at the Bay with Laptop, no printer and he needs it for this coming Monday. I'm not near my printer till Sunday night. Anyhew.....Downloaded the reference and went to the local library to use their printer. I met Michael, who showed me to the computers, asked if I was okay to print my stuff and left me with a smile. Do I think Mike knows his younger brother needs a sign...oh yeah.

After the library Sir MD, Mal and I went for a walk through the town. In an arcade we came across an elderly lady who had collapsed after having eye surgery. She was having a coffee with a friend and became unwell. Ambulance was called and Mal did the prelim waiting for the crew. Muttley and I stood outside waiting to direct them. One of the Intensive Care guys was an old friend of Mal's. So once the patient was loaded we spent the next hour 'reliving' old war stories. I guess there is just no getting away from this job.....ahh but I will keep trying...

To those sunning themselves in the Northern summer, remember Sunblock.....I will remember anti-freeze!!

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Hello, I don't have much time to write, I have to get up and go to work for 24hrs in 2 1/2 hours! I just can't sleep tonight. Addie's Mini Birthday Party went well today. She was Happy with the school/class party. We planned the Orlando vacation for next month when school lets out. That's when we will really celebrate her Birthday.

Today is my Birthday and I got a wonderful gift! It's a New Foster SON! He seriously makes my Heart Melt! This is the most Happy I've felt since Vanessa & Kailey died. I didn't think I was ready to foster again and turned down the twin 1 yr old baby girls. I was also offered 4 month old twins a Girl and Boy that had some special needs. Which, I knew I wasn't ready for either. Then our worker sent us a picture of this little guy and I just knew I wanted to take him in and give him the love and stability he needs. He is absolutely what I needed! He is a very Happy little guy! He's a sweety and everyone is loving him. Addie and Dominick can't get enough of him. They both wanted him to sleep in their room! He was with a foster family prior to us and the Foster Mom said she had been praying extremely hard that the right family come along to give him a loving home. They have had him since he was born and are really attached to him. They couldn't keep him any longer because they are an older couple and can't chase around the children once they become mobile. Unfortunately, they can only take newborns to foster and reluctantly said it was time for him to leave. They said a few people had an interest in him but she was really upset because she felt they were not a match for him. When she met me she said GOD answered her prayers and sent an earthly angel (me) to care for him! He took right to me and almost didn't care his foster mom was there. She said he has NEVER done that! Then my husband tried to give him back and he clung to my husband and cried because he wanted to stay with him! The foster Mom said it was meant for me to turn the other children down because GOD wanted me to have him.

This is the closest I have come to rekindling some of my shattered faith in God. Maybe there truly is a plan for our lives that we just have to have faith in.

Now, I don't want to go to work because I want to spend time with the newest addition to our family!

I hope everyone is blessed with a gift that makes your heart melt with happiness!

 

[ericasmom]

What a little Beauty that Boy is. May you and he and the rest of the family feel the blessing of new joy, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Lori.

Betsy, one would think that they might listen to the events that led to a lapsed ticket...the paperwork and bills that sit when we lose a child.

[shorty16]

Lori

Happy Birthday

Your story about the young foster boy just melted my heart. I am so happy for you and your family.

Please keep us posted - What is his name? How old is he? Sorry so many questions, but I am just so happy for you.

The joy does come back into our hearts.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Carol - I hope the doctor appts are just routine and nothing new to worry you. I also hope you know you have a very special place in my heart. I meant to tell you that when you hugged me, in my hotel room before you left, I felt so much love. Your family is very lucky to have your love. I also want to thank you for the work you went through to find a wheelchair for Amanda to use. I felt bad for putting you through all that and we didn't use it, but you didn't complain. I wish I hadn't been so tired so we could have visited longer.

CJ - I'm glad your first day back at work was better than expected. You said you were exhausted and suppose the mental drain is kicking your butt. Yes, that's what happens. I hope you were able to rest.

Tony - I hope the coaching job turns out to be exactly what your spirit needs. How's the house hunting going?

Dee - I hope Jon is better today. Does the bad back stem from an injury? Prayers for healing his way.

Trudi - I am sorry to hear of your younger son's trouble. These kids...I sure wish they didn't have to learn the hard way, through their own experience. I hope things work out.

Lori - What a wonderful birthday present for you. Your little guy is adorable. In foster care since birth. Are his biological parents involved at all? 24 hrs of work? What do you do? You may have said and I missed it or already forgot. My rememory isn't what it used to be.

It looks like it's snowing on the mountain - just a few minutes from us. Yesterday it felt like snow in the city, but we just got rain. We're supposed to have a few more rainy days and then sun. Yeah!

Wishing you all a moment of peace today!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody.

Lori

That is absolutely amazing!! What a beautiful little boy you have there. I agree with Colleen. Would love to know more about that little guy. I am so happy for you and your family. I too believe that God is sending you what you need and is starting to show you his plan. Happy Birthday as well. I hope you enjoy the day.

Susannah

The house hunting is going ok. We really have not found anything that gets us too excited. Today is a big day for us. Our home officially goes on the market after we sign the papers at 2:00. We are hoping our house sells quickly so that we can start to focus on the move. It is tough to get too excited about buying a new home because we know we cannot buy until we sell the house we have. I hope God has a plan for us as well. I hope our house sells so we can start to heal someplace else.

I am not really sure how I am feeling today. I had a tough time getting out of bed again, but once I got up I was ok. This is the longest I have ever gone in the morning without breaking down in tears. I think this is now the second day in a row where I am just accepting that my Brendan is not coming back. I am broken inside and always will be, but I am trying so hard to learn to live. Who knows, maybe it is the Lexapro that is making me not cry as much. I have a department head meeting at 9:00 this morning that will last until 10:00 at least. I am sure I will be ready for my first breakdown of the day after that. I usually make a trip to the Cemetery after that meeting. Missing Brendan like crazy as usual. That will not change. Just trying to get through another day learning to live this "new" life.

Daddy loves you Brendan Anthony, Forever and Always.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[bus1851]

Good morning,

As good as I felt yesterday, today is starting off so so. I am home alone today again, so I will try to keep busy. Will go to Sam's club to restock some groceries then the jewelry store to find a chain for memory locket. I had a leather necklace but need a silver or stainless, the leather was getting wet with sweat and smelling. Tonight my daughter has a softball game so my day should be full. After Marley died I really felt guilty about not having more pictures of her so I bought a new camcorder to capture all the memories we create from here on out. I wish I had it a long time ago so I would have more images of my little baby to cherish, I only have about 50 pictures of her. My first born has a few hundred pictures, my second a few hundred, I guess I assumed there would be lot's more opportunities for pictures. I really messed up and now have nothing to remind me of the beautiful little baby we had for 5 short months except 50 pictures of which 35 my 8 year old took with her ipod so they are very poor quality. I hate myself for letting so many moments, precious memories slip away and now they are gone forever and I can't get them back. I'm so sorry Marley, you deserved better, you were the light of my life and I took you for granted. Please forgive daddy. When we are together again I will make it up to baby, I promise.

Daddy loves you Marley.

Marleys dad-CJ

[ericasmom]

Hi, must have missed a post as some are telling Carol that they hope all is well. WHAT?

Thanks Sus, Jon is not better today and is extreme pain. He is scared and his anxiety of course, does not help his muscle spasms. I am worried too, he has had on and off again neck and back issues, just like me, but his dad had back surgery for herniated disks, I wonder...

CJ< try not to beat yourself up over the amount of photos. Those of us that were not the first baby always know that the number decreases with each subsequent child, it is the natural order of things. It wasn't taking her for granted, it was life, made busy, filled with many things to do. Marley does not mind that you have a certain number of photos of her. Ask yourself this, if it were you that left early, would you mind if the kids had a quota of photos of you? NO, you would be centered and focused on whether or not your family members were finding ways to live again. You would love them through all of their faults and their treasures, just as Marley will always love you. Sounds to me that Marley's short time here was spent being loved completely and there is no better way to live.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Dee

You always seem to know just what to say. I love your posts and always look forward to reading what you say. I could not agree more. CJ, Marley received the greatest give of all. The gift of love. So many children will never know what it is like to feel the love that our children did even though it was only for a short time. I really don't believe that Marley is concerned by the number of pictures you have of her. I know that just like me you don't need pictures to remember. You remember her just the way she was and you have all the great memories of when she was here with you. I can picture Brendan running around our yard and playing baseball like it was yesterday. I too felt really guilty about not having more videos of Brendan. We have some, but not as many as I would like. I traded my phone in in November and somehow lost around 10 precious videos of Brendan. Many of them were just him and I at Brewer games. I wish I had those videos, but I still remember exactly what was on those videos. I can picture him in his Ryan Braun jersey acting silly for the camera. Our kids love us no matter what and know how much we loved them.

Dee thinking about you. I hope Jon feels better soon.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[mikesmomrs]

Dee and Sus...I am fine, Ralph is doing some workup for possible gallbladder stuff going on...my doctors' appointments are fairly routine...just kind of catching up on what I've let go these past few years...thanks so much for asking. I did have to go to the hospital last week to be "defibrillated" because my heart was going crazy again. They took me in hand, took care of it (without the paddles, thank God) and I went home early evening, and have been doing fine since. We do tend to take our health for granted, which is what I've been doing pretty much since Mike died...only going when something "pops us" and know I need to do better, so am trying.

Dee: I am so sorry to hear about Jon's trouble with his back...I have experienced spasmodic pain and it is truly awful...I do hope that he is able to find relief soon, and pray so. Has he had any workups done to find a cause? Has he considered chiropractic treatment? I don't even remember what caused mine or what was done to alleviate it...it was quite a while ago. I just remember that it was the worst. Sending hugs and prayers to him for relief to come soon. So glad you got to take your bike ride; I know how much it means to you. I just may take my bike out, also. Haven't in a very long while.

Sus: You also have a very special place in my heart, and I am so very glad that we were able to meet...meeting you and Karen (and Amanda, too) was a joy! Please don't apologize for being tired...I am surprised that you were able to do as much as you did! You give off a lot of love, too Sus, I could tell that by the way you responded to us, (and, of course, by your posts and the love that you give to your grandkids everyday) and by the way you interacted with Amanda. As for the wheelchair, it was no problem...very simply done, as fortunately they have stuff like that available here at the clubhouse. (How is Amanda doing...I should give her a call..)

Lori: I do love that little guy...so cute, and so very much where he is supposed to be right now! Please share more about him when you can. As difficult as it is to say (and sometimes to believe), we have always truly believed that God does have a plan, and by that I don't mean that he inflicts suffering on people in order to achieve that plan...Mike died, I believe because it was his time to do so...I don't believe that God "gave him cancer so he could die." I knew when he was five that he was not going to outlive me, and though I didn't let that thought guide my life or how we treated him, nonetheless, it was there, all along. HOW he died was just the way things happened. I believe what Sus has mentioned a few times...that our children do not suffer when they die...that their spirits are gone before that pain happens and they do not know anything other than that they were here and then they were there, gloriously free of any pain or burdens. As for the suffering we are left to endure, I don't have any answers for that...I know that many have been led to do great things as a result, but whether that is in the "plan" or not, I don't know. I don't go that far into my thinking...it gets too complicated. Anyway, got off on subject there, but just want to add a Happy Birthday wish for you...enjoy that new bundle of love, and he is blessed to have you and your hubby in his corner.

Lorri: I hope you are able to work out your color text soon...I know how much it means to you to be able to write in orange. Did you try the "system restore" taht was suggested earlier?

CJ: the photo issues...I agree with everything that Dee said about this...life does get in the way. You were enjoying and loving that beautiful baby girl so much, and that is truly so much more important, but we do, of course, empathize with and totally understand your feelings of guilt over this. It IS true about the older children having more photos...we have tons of Mike but only because he was born 8 years after his older sister, so it was like he was a "new" chapter in our lives...certainly changed a lot of things, that's for sure! We don't have nearly as many of Cathi (our middle child) as we do of Kim, her older sister...for much the same reason: life gets in the way. I am glad that you do have those that you have, and perhaps some of the ones that were taken by your other child could be enhanced? I have sent photos from my phone to my pc and have been able to clear them up some with my photo program, Image Pro 9. My program is fairly old in computer age, and I am sure they have newer ones that can do even better. Either way, please try to not beat yourself up over this...you have such beautiful memories of Marley, perhaps you could write about those...creating a "picture" of those memories on paper. Just start with bullets, if you can...something you specifically remember her doing, some moments shared...expand on the bullets when you can, and you will wind up with a story that will fill your heart each time you read it. I am glad that your first day back went okay, and your being tired is certainly to be expected. Holding you close, as you travel this road, and sending love and comfort to you.

Tony: I hope that your house sale goes okay; getting ready for this move is difficult, I know, as I have done the same. We are with you all the way, Tony, sending love and understanding as you move through these changes. Your "trying to so hard to learn to live" is what Brendan wants you to do, Tony, and he is very proud of the steps you are taking. I too think that you should follow your heart regarding the new job, though I know your heart is hurting pretty much right now, making decisions difficult...it could be a change from what you are doing, but not so much so that you are in totally unfamiliar territory. I wish you luck with that, as we all do.

Trudi: So sorry to hear of Steven's troubles...you could just reach out and smack them when they do stuff like that...so unnecessary, but truly, when you get down to it, a part of life's learning process, I guess. I know that it adds more worry to your days, and I hope it all gets worked out without much impact. We went through the same thing with Cathi years ago until she finally realized that her "lack of planning" did not make "emergencies" for others who she might call on to help her out of the mess, i.e. DMV! (I heard that somewhere and have held it in my brain for some weird reason) I am so glad though, that "Michael" at the library allowed you to feel that "Micheal" was helping his brother...a sure sign that he is right there by all of you, as always.

Davis has been having some serious "down" feelings since his friend had his trouble and wound up in the hospital. At first his friend was doing wonderfully...taking his meds, staying away from the alcohol, etc. Davis has visited him every day since and he has been doing what he's supposed to...taking his meds, staying away from alcohol. However, the other night Davis went to visit him and saw a cocktail on the table. When he asked his friend what it was, the friend told him it was indeed his "usual" cocktail and not just lemonade. He said "I didn't take my medicine yesterday so I could have one today." then said "I am going to just drink now and then, and I know I can handle it." This is a person who got so drunk he left his house on a cold night, no coat, and was found trying to break into someone's house about 2 miles away, having walked there and not remembering anything about it the next day! Davis was just heartbroken. He tried to talk to him about it, but unfortunately his friend's housemate agreed with the friend, that she thought it would be "okay." Since then, Davis has been seriously depressed. He was starting to come out of it a little but not much. Yesterday, when he left for work, I told him that I was thinking about him and hoping he would feel better. I then went out and had to do some errands. The first two, I had received one penny in the change. Each time, it was a 1985 penny. Davis's year of birth. I texted him and told him about it, telling him that I think Mike was sending a sign to him to tell him he is with him and that things will turn out okay. (of course, we don't know what "ok" will mean, but personally I think it is a good thing for Davis to not be with this person, as the person has been this way for ten years and has no desire to change...he doesn't work, doesn't drive, and doesn't care. I think Davis has given enough and now needs to concentrate on himself. Harsh words, I know, but sometimes it's better to know when to walk away and Davis seems to be realizing that perhaps it is not good for him to have this person in his life.) Please keep him in your thoughts as he travels this tough road and finds the answers as to what to do now.

Betsy: Your problems with DMV however, take on a different note and I agree with Dee, that perhaps they could take into consideration the circumstances and write it all off...I would at least try a letter to the powers that be. These types of things come with the grief we are enduring, and one month after losing Rich should certainly be taken into consideration, and very possibly will, and may even trickle down to the increase in your insurance if the infraction is removed from your record. If you need letters of support, I am sure that those of us here would be more than happy to write some.

Amy: I am sorry also about your cat dying...especially since he was such a part of Ashley's life. It is sad to lose a pet that has meant a lot to you...we've only had to do it twice, and each time was painful.

Colleen: "The joy does come back into our hearts." So true, and so very worth waiting for. Yes, it does take time, and a lot of work, but it is something that our angels wish for us, help us with, and are so proud of us when we achieve that.

Sherry: I'd love to see some of your artwork...after seeing your quilt, I know taht you have a lot of patience and creativity...I know that one doesn't necessarily lead to another, but I bet your pictures are quite lovely.

Well, I've got to go do some blood work, (just routine..part of the "taking care of me" I talked about), so got to run. Want to share something that happened (a good something) with Sarah, Mike's wife, but will do it later today.

love to all my indigo family...you are always in my heart and prayers.

[ericasmom]

Tony and Carol thanks for the Jonathan wishes. He is hurting badly. He has been going t o chiro for many years when he flairs up but this he said, is different. His massage therapist thinks he should have xrays as she is worried it is disk or something serious beyond her work. Right now he is sleeping and I am praying that he will wake with noticable decrease in pain, but if not, next steps...

Tony thanks, I am far ahead of many on this road and know the hills and valleys we climb and fall into. I want to stay here to be some sort of help and some sort of promise that life will get better after lots fo change adn work and effort, but it will and it will be worth it, I promise.

Carol, take care of that heart of gold you have beating in your chest, it is a lifesaver to so many. Davis is lucky to have your wise words too. I agree that if he can move on without his friend, that he should. His friend is apt to head down several more dead ends and hopefully one day find the right path, but he is not ready.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - I assume Jon is under a doctor's care?? He is in my prayers.

Carol - Amanda is doing well. I'm sure she would love to hear from you. Davis, also, is in my prayers.

Sharon - How are you today?

Crystal (Tyler's mom) - Pam - Diane.....all of you are in my thoughts!

[westleysmom]

Happy Birthday to Lori! What a beautiful little gift you received. He looks like a handful.

Carol-Hope they don't have to zap you again. My Mama has that condition and it can be pretty scary. Sorry that Davis' friend seems to be in denial about his limits and hope that Davis is able to recognize his own with regard to this friend.

Besty-Ouch! Insurance is high enough as it is. I hope that you will be able to talk them down.

CJ-My son was 20 years old when he died, and the last Christmas he was here, I have only one or two pictures that he is in. He had gotten to the age where he didn't like to pose for pictures (long before that to tell the truth) and I beat myself up all the time because almost all of my pictures that year at Christmas are of my grandbaby. I would have taken only pictures of him if I had known that would be our last Christmas with him, but I didn't. Not because I didn't love him though. I thought there would be more chances, and that's not taking him for granted, that's just what you think about your kids. That they'll always be there. I'm sorry you don't have many pictures of Marley, but I'm 100% sure that you couldn't have loved her anymore than you did. I just know it. Hugs

Dee-Hope Jon is getting some relief soon, that kind of pain is horrible.

Been very busy at work and not much chance to post, but trying to keep up with everybody and hope you are all doing okay.

[Guest msnher]

When I first joined BI I posted my regret about not taking any pictures of Stephanie after she got home from rehab. The very day she died all I could say was "I didn't even take a picture of her with her kids". For those of you that don't know, Stephanie's children were taken and hidden from us by her ex and his girlfriend. Over a year later we were reunited with them when the state found them...they had been severely abused. The girlfriend is now in prison and dad lost all his rights. Steph had only been reunited with her children for six weeks before she was killed.

I don't beat myself up about the pictures now - she says, rolling her eyes, knowing everytime she thinks something is gone it usually pops up to kick her butt quickly.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

I just got back from grocery shopping, and that task has finally gotten easier.

I always used to enjoy grocery shopping, because I would bring home new items for each of the kids to try. After Brian was killed; grocery shopping became a nightmare. Something both Scott and I dreaded. We actually went to Pea Pod.com, because I could not grocery shop without crying my eyes out.

Well, tonights grocery shopping was much easier than in the past. I have learned to push those sad thoughts out of my head. Does not work all the time, but tonight it did.

One more step forward in this grief process.

YEAH!! I know this sounds trivial, but for me, it is huge.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

quiet hot hot night. My Son is in a lot of pain still, the meds have done little and I hate that the doc is prescribing more and different meds. Chiro told me he would have done things differently, but still feels that Jon has a herniated disk in upper back, numbness due to root nerve being compressed, but knowing the anxiety of Jon, that an MRI would be good to both confirm it and to show Jon that he will eventually be okay. If it is herniated, he will need to learn to behave differently, to sit in postures he just does not naturally do, he will need physical therapy and he should do yoga...but for tonight, hopefully he will sleep and be able to move a bit more tomorrow and get an MRI.

Thanks for continued prayers, they help because of the positive energy that then surrounds Jonathan. So thanks so much.

It is quite hot and very muggy. No, we have not turned on our AC, hoping to return to spring temps for a while and not August temps.The cooler weather earlier this spring helped the plants to hold off and wait some which was nice as many things in the past years were blooming so darn early. I love that they are taking more time, finding their way to their glorious colors.

I am going to bed, hope I can read a bit, but I do fall asleep fast, don't stay asleep well, but get there in a hurry. I am reading a good book, The Help, and I will let the story take my thoughts to another time and another place, allowing sleep. I am drinking Sleepy Time tea, though cooled to not add to the heat.

BULLS WIN>A local Chicago sports broadcaster died today or last night, in Atlanta there to cover the Bulls vs Atlanta. He was well loved and young. He has two young ones. He did not show up this morning for a broadcast from the stadium in Atlanta, they called, no answer, they went to his hotel and he was gone. I think his heart just stopped, like several of our friends here lost their kids. My sadness that his family needs to mourn his leaving now. He seemed a really nice guy.

[charsng1234]

Hi all I am doing? ok once again I wrote and went to post it and it went away.. I am tired but just wanting to say hi and sending my love..

sharon/shanes mom

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Dee - Is Jon staying with you? Shannon? You may have said, but once again, my memory fails me. I hope he got some rest last night. Perhaps it's time to get a new doctor?? Sending light and love his way (and yours).

Colleen - Woo Hoo for you on grocery shopping. I know that's hard for you since Brian died. I sure enjoy our visits! Love to you.

A special shout out to Karen, Diane, Crystal (both of you), Pam, Leah, and all whom we haven't heard from in a while, still holding you close in heart and mind.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

I amy not respond to each one of you individually, but I want you all to know that each one of you, individually, are a precious part of my day.

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends

WOW, it was over 80 degrees in Wisconsin yesterday!!!

BEAutiful day. So the cold front is suppose to move in just in time for the weekend.

Dee - Sending healing prayers to Jon. Back issues are painful - hope he gets better. Do you do Yoga? I have been trying to meditate. Hard to keep thoughts from the day or my son's death out of my head, but I am trying.

Shane's Mom - I have a suggestion for not losing your posts. Create them in WORD and copy/paste into the repy screen. After the copy/paste you can change color/font size etc. This allows me to write my reply in stages. I can stop when I want and I will not lose it.

Carol - I pray for Davis's friend. I pray Davis can help him by just being his friend. It is hard to deal with an alcoholic in denial.

Sus - Is the world still a safer place????? You made me laugh with that statement. I am laughing right now. Take care my friend. I too love our chats.

Tony/CJ - Hope your day goes good today. Each day is a new opportunity to find a bit of happiness. I have learned that happiness does not come running down the stairs to me anymore. I have to go out and find it. A blooming flower, a smile on my surviving childrens face. You will find happiness again. This grief is a journey, not a destination.

Love to my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[bus1851]

Good morning all,

Woke up OK no problems. I checked my facebook page profile and scrolled down to bottom and saw family profile with my kids listed by age and Marleys name was first. I broke down. I have not been to facebook since the accident and the last time I was is when I added her to my profile. I was so proud to add a third child to my profile and my family. I have always wanted a big family, coming from a family of 10 myself. Growing up I imagined I would have 5-6 kids but married at 31 so 3 was a good number. The day she was born really completed those dreams. The day she died devastated my life and my dreams. I miss her more and more every day and the pain grows more and more every day. Everywhere I go now I see parents with little babies...I mean everywhere. Just 2 months ago I was one of those happy parents with my bundle of joy on my hip. Of my 3 kids she was the best eater, sleeper, pooper and she had the best baby personality of any baby. All she did was laugh and look trying to absorb everything around her and I loved to just sit and watch her learning minute by minute. I was a really proud daddy. Daddy loves you Marley. You were here for such a short time and yet it feels like I had you my whole life. I miss you so much baby. I don't know who I am anymore without you. I can't wait to see you again.

Marleys dad-CJ

[lolynbo]

Bizzy week Kody graduates high school tonight got lots to do. Wishing kourtney was physically here to celebrate with us. So many strange mixed feelings.

Dee hope that Jon gets getter but with you nursing I know he's in good hands

Marleys dad. I feel Thr same when I get on Bebo or myspace. Kourtneys pages are still there but she's not.

[shorty16]

CJ

Marley is and will always be your daughter. You are still so new to this journey. Patience with ourselves and our shortcomings now is really hard. We just want to feel better. This comes with time.

As for the photo thing, we too had some photos of Brian when he was young, but when he got older, he was gone all the time. Brian had alot and friends and he was with them more than his family. Now those friends have abandoned us. All because Mike was charged in Brian's death and the 3rd boy involved takes no responsibility for his actions.

Hang on my friend. Life will get better, happiness will come again, but now, we have to walk through the furnace of this grief to be hardened and purified for the masters use.

We have to feel the pain in order to work through it.

You are doing great. Do you work today?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Well thanks for the prayers and hopes for Jon in his pain. He might be getting an MRI today. No Sus, he lives with Shannon, so she is taking care of him when she returns from work.Col, I don't do yoga but do some yoga stretches each morning for my back which really help me have more time between visits to the chiro.

Love to all.

Oh CJ, she is with you, I know the pain is growing, that is what happens for a while and then it will plateau some, and then become softer very gradually. Peace one day I swear.

[bus1851]

Colleen,

No work today, I think everyone was right about getting back into normal routines. Just one day at work made me feel a little better and now 2 days at home alone I have taken some steps backward. I am hurting a lot today, all I can think of is my little baby and rerunning thoughts , images of her over and over. I just need to get my butt up and get moving. Sitting around the house does me no good. Speaking of, we sign a purchase agreement to sell our house tomorrow.

I hope your right Colleen, I hope life gets better and happiness returns because I can't live this life with this much pain.

Marleys dad-CJ

[lolynbo]

KODYS GRADUATION CAKE...GRAD, GUITARS, AND RACING...

[lolynbo]

KODYS GRADUATION CAKE...GRAD, GUITARS, AND RACING...

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. It has been a rough morning for me. We had my grandma's funeral today. It was so hard to see that casket. I just kept picturing Brendan laying there rather than my grandma. What a horrible feeling to relive. I broke down at the funeral home, but I am glad I went. My grandma looked much better and very much at peace. The last time I saw her alive she looked like she was suffering. She is suffering no more. It is the first time in my life I actually looked at somebody in a coffin and was jealous. Jealous that she gets to be with Brendan and I don't. I wanted to switch places with her. I want to be with my son so very bad.

At the burial I put Brendan's little league picture in the casket with her. She is holding his picture in her hands. I pray that they are together in Heaven.

I am getting ready to leave for the Slinger High School Athletic Scholarship Golf Outing. Brendan's memorial is sponsoring 8 holes and all of the golf towels. We have a lot of friends and family golfing with us today. After golf is a nice dinner and an auction. I am glad our family was able to help make this event a success. It is going to be a long day. I hope I can be strong after a rough morning.

Our house is officially on the market. The sign went up yesterday. It was rough to see that happen. Everything is just so real.

Wishing you all some peace today.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[shorty16]

CJ

Do you only work part-time or have you chosen to go back to work slowly?

Work saved my life. It forced me to think of something other than that horrible movie playing in my head over and over and over again. Going to the accident scene, hearing flight for life, leaving the scene to go to the hospital when my son died on the side of the road.

With time, I have learned that those thoughts do not help me - they keep me in this horrible-dark place. But in the beginning of my grief, I was not strong enough to change my thoughts. I was a pile of goo on the ground.

When people would ask me "How are you doing" I used to repy "I am standing upright and breathing." Because that was all I could do.

As time went on, I became able to work longer without my mind going back to that horrible day. But it took many months (if not years) for that to happen. In my opinion, the process of healing is so slow, because the love we had for our children was (and is) so strong. Just today, I found myself smiling over a memory I had with Brian. That never used to happen. I cried with both good and bad memories and the bad memories haunted me. Like any good parent, I was not his best friend. He had many of those - I was (and still am) his mother and as his mother, I had to make decisions that were not popular with him. I beat myself up for several years over that.

It takes alot of time for us to forgive ourselves.

If you (or anyone else on this site) go on Facebook, Brian's facebook page set up by his friends is R.I.P. Brian Jackson. Feel free to see my sweet boy. The pictures and videos were placed on there by his friends. Some I am not too thrilled about, but will not remove, because that was who Brian was.

Take care, my friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Tony and CJ, your babies have brought you together, k nowing that your journey will be similar. Angels are working their magic.

[bus1851]

Colleen-Officially, I start back at work on Monday. I have been going in for a few hours here and there so I could break the ice with co-workers. In my mind I thought it would be this big production but for the most part everyone was the same, going about work like a normal day. In a way it relieved me but also disappointed me because my child was dead and no one acknowledged that fact. Life goes on, even when yours has been destroyed- life goes on.

Tony-I hope the golfing goes well. Before the accident I was a golf fanatic, after the accident I don't have any passion for any activities I used to enjoy. Their is no room in my heart anymore. My wife wants me to continue to do what I used to but I tried and it just is not there anymore. I start and then my thoughts focus on Marley then sadness and guilt kick in and I have to leave.

Marleys dad-CJ

[westleysmom]

Lorri-Woohoo Kody! Love the cake. I still have the middle of Westley's graduation cake in the freezer. I can't bring myself to throw it out, especially now. I had his pre-school graduation picture put on top of it. He was just this little bitty boy in a tiny blue graduation gown and mortarboard and I'd always loved that picture, so I thought it would be cute on his high school graduation cake. We ate most of the cake, but nobody wanted to cut the picture, so I wrapped it up and stuck it in the freezer. Sometimes I see it in there and just about die. I hope the graduation festivities are fun.

Tony-I don't think I ever offered my sympathy for you in the loss of your Grandma. That first funeral visitation I had to go to after Westley's was really hard, it was only a week or so later, but thank goodness was at a different funeral home. It was a man I'd known my whole life, and he and his wife had come to Westley's visitation and he just died in his bed of a heart attack very suddenly. I felt I had to go see her and I was glad I did, but glad when it was over.

Colleen-I couldn't go to the grocery store for the longest, my sister went for me for a while. Since there's only two of us now and we are gone most of the day, we don't eat much and I haven't really gotten back into grocery shopping as a routine. I just pick up what we need most of the time, and don't do all-out grocery shopping. Isn't it funny the things that hit you in the face with the reality that everything has changed? I'm glad the good memories make you smile, I'm sure there are lots of them.

Westley was a carpenter and worked for his Daddy. He was a very "hairy" guy, my husband always said that even when he was born, you could pick him up by the hair on his shoulders (we did NOT actually do that.) So at some point in the years he worked as a carpenter, they started using this stuff called 10-second glue, kind of like an epoxy where you mix two different things together and you have 10 seconds to use it before it set up. It would hold things together long enough that you could shoot a nail in it to hold it for good, and maybe by itself it would hold forever, but it was expensive, and they only used it when they were gluing something that would pull apart, like curved joints or things that were somehow being forced into a shape wood didn't want to take. So shortly after this glue made its appearance in their tools, Westley came home looking..."gapped up". There was a hole in his moustache and one in his eyebrows too. I didn't say anything about it, wasn't sure if he'd gotten in a dustup with somebody or what. But my husband asked him how that 10-second glue was to get out. Apparently after having been warned, he had some on his hands and picked up a cigarette to take a drag, and his finger stuck to his moustache. And in the excitement, he brushed his forehead and lost part of his eyebrows. Westley was like that, there was always adventure when he was around. I miss him so much. Never a dull moment with him.

Going to see my friend Susan tomorrow, we haven't gotten together since February. She has a new job and has been very busy, but I'm looking forward to our time together.

[shorty16]

CJ

What I have learned, is people will not say anything in fear of upsetting us. By us bringing-up the fact, it gives them permission to talk to us about it.

The loss of a child puts us into a whole different category. Some feel that we have a disease and that if they stay by us too long, they may catch it. Some cannot handle our pain, so they stay away. Others just do not know what to say. We have to give them permission to talk to us about it. Many others do not want to make us cry. When people would mention Brian and I would start to cry, I would say to them "You did not make me cry" That softened them a bit.

We have to teach people how to treat us.

Then there are those that belong in our virtual "Oh No You Didn't Just Say That" book. Many of us have experienced the lack of empathy from those people. The one I remember most is when I was at a bible study meeting at the church where Brian's funeral was held. I started crying in the meeting and could not stop. The leader looked at me and said "It has been almost a year and it still bothers you?" I looked at her and said "The loss of my son with bother me until the last breath I take." I never went back to that bible study.

Another lady in that same church said to me (almost a year after Brian's death): "So when did the pain go away?" I replied "I do not know that has not happened yet"

SO consided yourself lucky you have yet to encounter those people that belong in our book.

We need to give people permission to talk about our deceased child. We have to let them know that our childs name is the sweetest sound to us. That is why we say their name on this site, because others may not.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Rhonda,

I am laughing out loud about that super-glue incident. Too Funny. I hope that memory made you smile also.

Brian was using the outdoor gas grill for the first time. He turned on the gas and walked way. About 5 minutes later, he opened the grill and lit the flame. Needless to say, the flames came shooting out at his face. Nothing was burned, but he refused to use the grill after that. Absolutely refused.

It took me a long time to actually laugh about the good memories. But I am really trying to be happy again.

Thanks for sharing that story. I am still laughing about it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos....i'm just popping in for a quick visit....i have not been well....this grief thing really takes a toll on your health. i have had a hard week or two. mother's day did not help me out much. the kids called and my daughter had a cook out at her house for the parents that live here, and that was ok.

i am still having that anxiety about being out in public. i can go out a little, as long as someone is with me and the place i am isn't crowded. i do cry if someone speaks to me, especially if the ask about nathan. it's like i take one baby step forward, then 1000 steps backwards. i just can't win this battle at all. i give all my strength to just getting out of bed in the morning, and that's not easy either. i constantly apologize to my wonderfully understanding husband, and he doesn't know why i do that, and quite frankly, neither do i....i just don't know myself right now and i can't find 'me' and i know i need to find myself again....don't know where i am....maybe someday i will reappear. don't know, don't care.

i just want this pain and sadness to go away.....it hurts all over my body in so many ways....i am tired....so, so tired.

i am sorry for all the new people here....i am sorry you have to be here. there are so many good people here to help you through this horrible journey.

hope better days are ahead of all of us....

bless you all....

diane

[lolynbo]

Lorri-Woohoo Kody! Love the cake. I still have the middle of Westley's graduation cake in the freezer. I can't bring myself to throw it out, especially now. I had his pre-school graduation picture put on top of it. He was just this little bitty boy in a tiny blue graduation gown and mortarboard and I'd always loved that picture, so I thought it would be cute on his high school graduation cake. We ate most of the cake, but nobody wanted to cut the picture, so I wrapped it up and stuck it in the freezer. Sometimes I see it in there and just about die. I hope the graduation festivities are fun.

THE FREEZER GOT UNPLUGGED AND RUINED KOURTNEYS WEDDING CAKE AND KIMMYS...VERY VERY UPSETTING...STUPID BOYS

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I knew you'd like that story. Westley couldn't be trusted around fire settings, he was always a little too fond of accelerants and thought if it wasn't burning fast enough, you could just put some (gas or kerosene) on it. Scary. Brian sounds like the same kind of guy, I'm glad the grill incident didn't turn really ugly, or more ugly than it did anyway.

Diane-I have to remind myself that I have to live the rest of my life without Westley...but I don't have to live the rest of my life without Westley all in one day. All I have to do today is make it through today and it sounds like you're doing that too. I don't know yet exactly who I've turned out to be since he died either, but we'll find out soon enough, also one day at the time. Hugs to you.

Lorri-Sorry the wedding cakes were lost, especially Kourtney's.

[ericasmom]

RHonda, sweet stories of Westley. Yes, he and Brian do sound like kindred spirits. Have a great visit with your friend. Nice advice to Diane too, about not needing to find out how to do this all in one day, just day by day.

Lorri, sorry about the cakes. You could use the favorite saying of Trudi's here: dumbasses.

Diane, you are moving forward even if there are 1000 steps back with each forward. One hour at a time.

Jon is at the ER with his pain, but he did not get a prescription so it could be he will be there a long time. Don't know why he did not go the traditional route, but he has little patience and that part of him is a worry. He does not take all of the steps tha tare necessary and those short cuts end up making long waits and wasted steps. I only hope he stays there until they can take him.

[westleysmom]

Dee-I hate the ER and will do almost anything not to go there. I hope Jon gets some relief soon. I just posted on another thread and realized that today is 16 months. Its near the end of the day before I think of it, I think that's progress. I had thought of it earlier when I heard this was the only Friday the 13th this year, but then it slipped my mind. Babysteps and one day at a time. I'm a walking cliche. But I'm walking.

[daveydow1]

Dee-----Your bike ride sounds so nice, and I bet there will be lots more in the months to come.

Sending prayers for Jon's recovery from back pain. So sorry---I know that it can be debilitating

and very painful.

My friends at BI. I couldn't get on Bi last eve. due to bad thunderstorms, and losing the sattelite signal

I should hurry here now......thundering etc. out there, and weatherman calling

for more storms. Hope I get done before I lose the signal.

Colleen---I agree......grocery shopping was a real torture for me too, after Dave died. All those

things on the shelves that I remember were his favorites etc. Like a knife to the heart. Glad

that you found a bit more serenity in the latest trip. I remember quite a few people here saying

how difficult it was to grocery shop. Yep---some people can say the stupidest things about how

soon they feel we should be 'over' our grief. It's amazing what can come out of their mouths.

Diane-----Sorry that you have been feeling unwell. The grief process takes so much out of a

person's body and mind, that we can end up with compromised immune systems. Sending

prayers for your recovery.

Lorri----Sorry that the freezer got unplugged, and the wedding cakes got ruined.....(were they ruined ?)

Kody's grad cake was just beautiful. Congrats to that young man on his h.s. graduation. I know what

you mean about all the emotions about not having sweet Kourtney there to help celebrate. She'll be

looking down with a proud smile for her brother. Peace to you, friend.

Tony-----Wishing you good luck if you do decide to take the coaching job.

Lori..mom2angels----Wow.....What a darling baby boy. So glad that he came to you & your family. You

have a big heart....and the baby will no doubt be very happy with your family. Congratulations.

Carol------Sending a whole bunch of wishes that your heart will be good, now that you left the hospital.

Thanks for the kind words about artwork. As I said before----I'm not very good. I guess all artists, and

wanna-be artists (like me) are their own biggest critic. It gives a lot of enjoyment, though,.....no matter the results.

Rhonda, and Sus-----I know what you mean about lamenting the lack of pictures of our kids. I have very

few pics of Lisa......didn't have a decent camera way back then.....and as you said, Rhonda,......young guys

do get to the point where they resist being in too many pics.....they might think it's a waste of time or

something. I heard a quote one time (don't remember where), but about photos......"Take a picture with

your mind and keep it forever". I think that we all have that 'picture' of our beloved child/children in our

minds and souls for all time.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

YAH UPSET CUZ THE CAKE (S) GOT RUINED THAT WAS RIGHT AFTER WE GOT HOME FROM HOSP/NURSING HOME...SO IT WAS RUFF TIMES...

SINCE IM COMPLAINING, ONLY KIMMY , HER HUBBY CODY AND MY MOM CAME TO KODYS GRADUATION...NOT MY SISTER, NOT MY BROTHER, NO NEICES OR NEPHEWS, (MONTYS FAM DIDNT COME EITHER BUT LEAST MADE THE DINNER HIS MOM ISNT ABLE TO SIT THAT LONG), IM A LIL P'D OFF AT MY SIDE OF FAM...THEY NO HOW IMPORTANT KODY IS TO US, AND CANT EVEN COME TO HIS GRAD, CANT EVEN MAKE TIME,NOR SEND A CARD.....

OR AM I JUST A CRY BABY?

[ericasmom]

No Lorri, I would wonder as to where the support and love is as well. You and Sis are close aren't you? Kody, we are all clapping and screaming your today.

Rhonda, cliche' or no, you are indeed walking.

Sherry, be careful with all that rain and lightning.

Jon hates HATES hospitals, i dare say he would even without the time in wth Eri and then the extensive and many times in with his Dad. His Dad hated hospitals too before anything of note ever happened. Jon is sleeping now, hope he will sleep all night. they gave him morphine in the ER and while it helped him feel better, he was throwing up when I went over there this evening. I throw up from so many meds, looks like he takes after me. I brought him some food, he was hungry and Shannon had to be out for a few hours with work, so when I got there and he was ill, I made him ginger tea. He fell asleep, each time he woke he threw up a bit, so hopefully, he will be able to keep some tea and crackers down in the night, and be better for tomorrow. He did not have an MRI, he could not lay still in too much pain, so they gave him meds in hopes of his being able to get an MRI tomorrow...we'll see. Hard to see my little one hurting so much. Scary and hard.

Going to bed now, with hopes that Jon will sleep well tonight and wake up on the healing side of all of this.

Peace out,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: gosh, I am so sorry to hear that Jon is hurting so much, and now that they’ve given him some pain meds it seems to be making another thing that he has to deal with, what with the throwing up. I would imagine that would make the back pain even worse…Poor guy…praying he is able to have the MRI tomorrow. I know how much it pains you to know that Jon is having such a difficult time. So, so sorry.

Sherry: Yes, please be careful in those thunderstorms and lightening. I liked what you said about “take a picture with your mind and keep it forever.” Thanks for sharing. I have had to do that very thing when there have been instances where we’ve forgotten the camera, or just that months went by without stopping to capture anything on film. Many birthday parties are without photos to remember them by, especially the later ones. Regrets, but nothing we can do to change it, just live with it.

I can well remember those first months after Mike died, grocery shopping....or trying to...trips to the pharmacy were impossible and not done by me! At the grocery store, I would just get a hand basket, so I wouldn't have to be there too long, then I would just stand in front of the shelves, just standing there, unable to think, unable to be there, and just put the basket down and leave. If we had PeaPod around here, I would surely have used them. Take out became our way of life mostly.

Rhonda: I too like very much what you wrote: “but I don't have to live the rest of my life without Westley all in one day. All I have to do today is make it through today.” I also liked the story about Westley and his glue incident…thanks for sharing. Also, Colleen, Brian and the grill do sound kind of scary, but it is a memory that you hold dear, and I am glad you have it. Some quick memories of Mike’s misadventures that come to mind are the time he put the open can of tuna fish in the microwave…couldn’t understand why that bright light was arcing from one side to the other! (We never did find out why he wanted HOT tuna fish, anyway!) One very icy winter, he drove his car off the road, THREE times in the SAME DAY…into a ditch twice at his friend’s house, and then when he came home, he overshot our house and hit the curve just beyond and went into the ditch…had to get the tow truck for that one! No one was hurt in any of them, thankfully, and thus it was a good laugh at the time, as well as now. Earlier that day, when he got home, he had brought the car into the driveway (which had a slight incline) and was getting out of it when he noticed it was sliding backwards (ice all over everywhere)…he jumped back in and it to stop it, but wound up sliding backwards into the driveway of the guy across the street. Brakes were useless on that ice!

I love to share stories of our angels…it reminds us that there were good times to remember and that we are blessed to have those memories to hold onto.

Lorri: I loved Kody’s cake…did you design it? Congratulations to him for his graduation…yay for him!!! I am so sorry that the rest of the family did not recognize the importance of their being there to support Kody, as well as you and your family, in this celebration of a milestone in the life of your only son….and, NO, you are NOT a crybaby. I think we would all feel the same way about it as you do. I am sorry to hear about Kourtney and Kimmy’s cakes…Sarah and Mike put the top of their cake in the freezer and had it on their first anniversary…the only anniversary they had, actually…Mike died just 6 weeks before their second anniversary.

Diane: I am so sorry that you’ve been having some really bad days…as Colleen said that she told people in the beginning who would ask how she was…”I am standing upright and I am breathing.” Sometimes, that is all we can expect of ourselves, and what others expect of us just doesn’t enter the picture. Holding you close.

Tony: I am very sorry for the loss of your grandmother…the difficulties you face each day are tough, and to add to them with another loss is very painful. I agree with Dee, you and CJ’s angels brought you together on this site…you are walking this road at approximately the same timeframe, with very young children who you expected to watch grow and become adults…the pain is terrible and having someone walk with you does help, though you are sad that they have the same reason for being with you. I too had to attend a funeral service, exactly one month after the night that Mike died. A very close friend from work lost their beautiful 5 year old granddaughter to bone cancer and I could not NOT be there to support them and offer my comfort. It was painful, but they were so very understanding, each of the family coming up to me and offering their condolences and hugs and tears, as we shared in our mutual losses. The next day, at the memorial service, istening to the eulogy is where I learned that I could look at the dining room in our house (where Mike spent his last two weeks, in hospice care) was not something to avoid, to fear, or to dread…that it was actually a sacred room ,where we "loved Mike into eternity," caring for him, tending to his needs and comforting him. Their daughter also had her baby at home for hospice, in a beautiful room made to look like a castle, lovingly put together by many friends and family for their little princess, and in this room they "loved her into eternity," also. Fortunately, by the time we had to sell the house and I had to deal with leaving that sacred room behind, I had the wonderful wisdom of Dee to help me as she told me that no matter where we went, Mike would go with us, and always, always be with us, no matter what. (only she said it much more eloquently, but it offered such comfort to me at the time and still does.) And so it will be with your beautiful Brendan; he will always be with you, no matter where you are, and he will surround you with his love and sweet, sweet spirit.

CJ: Colleen is right, things will get better, at a different rate of time for everyone, but we eventually come to realize that we are living, and that our angels want us to do that, to do that in every possible joyful way. Selling your home is painful, very painful, but as I posted to Tony above about his Brendan being with him, so also will your precious Marley be with you also, everywhere, and always. I don’t remember if you have been on this site since I last posted this, but I will say it again anyway, as it deserves repeating. We of course knew ahead of time that Mike was going to die…it was a difficult 17 months…how do you live your life with that constant reminder, and yet try to make every day a memory to hold forever, without reminding the person who is leaving that he is going to die? One day, I was walking through the hallway of our house, and Mike was coming towards me. I stopped and looked at him, tears forming at the thought of how much longer would we have his physical presence? He stopped in front of me, put his hands on my shoulders and looking into my eyes said “Mom, you can’t die because I do.” He went on to say how that would not be fair, that I needed to continue to live my life and to be happy, even if only for the reason that HE couldn’t. I put my head on his chest and as he put his arms around me, I somehow managed to tell him that I was trying to understand how very difficult it must be for him to know that he is leaving, and somehow I managed to gently tell him that it was very difficult for those of us left behind, to know that we will have to live without him here with us. He then said “I am not afraid to die. I am sorry that I am leaving all of you, but I know where I am going, and I am not afraid, not anymore.” (Mike had left his faith for a number of years, but had returned to it shortly after his first brain surgery, finding much comfort and hope in those beliefs that he had grown up with.) I know that the circumstances of our children leaving are very different, and I consider myself blessed (sometimes) to have had the time to truly live those days, burning them into my brain and my heart, because I knew they would have to last me the rest of my life. Your loss was so sudden and unexpected, and it will take time for the shock to wear off, for the “new” normal to find its way into your heart. We will be here for you as you make that journey, and you will make it successfully, with each new memory that you make; not to replace the memories that you have now, but to blend with those memories already living in your heart, making them richer and more profoundly a part of you.

Reading of some of the things people have said that were totally inappropriate, I recall Greg (I think it was) told us of the guy who questioned Greg’s “still” going to a bereavement support meeting…I think he said something like “It’s been almost 4 years…” Greg replied with “He’s still dead, isn’t he?” People say weird things, and I think that sometimes it’s just that they don’t know what to say, and feel they have to say something, anything…but sometimes saying nothing would be better.

Trudi: Having Mal intercede in the emergency with the woman who collapsed does indeed bring back those things that have long haunted you. I am sorry that you had to deal with this, especially in your “place of peace” by the ocean. I hope Mal’s reference for Steven helps with the situation. (Well, he asked Mal for it, but it seems that YOU are the one providing it…eh?)

Well, another lengthy post…sorry guys, I guess I just have to try to post more often.

Ralph’s doctor called tonight (at 7:30, actually…what doctor does that?!?!) to tell him the results of the ultra sound he had on Thursday. He does indeed have gallstones…we have an appt on Monday to talk about what next. Ha, “what next”….how appropo!

Davis seems to be doing better…had a date last night and really hit it off with the girl. Hoping it works out for him…the last few years have seen him having to leave mostly all of his “friends” behind (and especially his girlfriend), as he has worked so hard to carve out a new life for himself. Thank you all for your thoughts and input…it is greatly appreciated.

To all my indigo family, holding you close in my heart and always in my thoughts...

Sarah sent these pictures to me the other day, showing how much Damon has grown/changed since starting school just EIGHT months ago…he started out as just a little boy, but is not a “little boy” any longer…the growing up has started. (He's making the goofy face because he was saying "what happened?" also, his school pic from last month...

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Hi, I haven't had time to read everyone's post from today. I just wanted to say a quick Hello and let everyone know I'm thinking about you!

Thank you for the Birthday wishes!

My New little Foster Son is doing fantastic! He is 12 months and we are calling him Gio, short for Giovanni. He is full of smiles and laughs all the time. He dances every time he hears music. He is quite the talker too, he babbles all the time and says a few words like Hi, Mama, Dada and a few other things. We had a lot of fun bonding with him today. He went to bed easily and I was told he is an early riser. I need to go shopping tomorrow and buy him all the things he needs. That's the bad part of fostering children is they come with very little things and if their little and still in diapers then it's our responsibility to buy them and we don't get reimbursed for any of the expenses. But, that's okay because, I enjoy helping these children. Especially when they are as sweet as Gio! As far as his future and parents are concerned, I was told he will be placed for adoption next month. The father listed on the birth certificate is in prison and the mother is not involved with trying to get him back. The mother can appeal the courts decision to place him for adoption, if she wants to. We will see what happens during the next court hearing.

Until then.... I will love and spoil him!

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - "I don't have to live without Westley for the rest of my life in one day." Not a direct quote. But, profound. Thank you.

Lori - Little Gio is a gift. And, you are a gift to him. Blessings, Sweet Lady (and hubby).

Dee - I'm with Jon. I hate, HATE hospitals and doctors. I only go to one as a very last resort. I also throw up on morphine. I don't do well with any narcotic. What helps me the best is ibuprofen. 800 mg. I buy generic and take four. The last time my legs were hurting badly enough for me to call the doc and beg for drugs he had me take 4 200mg ibuprofen every two hours for 24 hours. Hard on my stomach, so I took them with milk, but it stopped the spasms. When I went through hospice training (to be a volunteer) they told us that ibuprofen works better on leukemia patients than any other drug. I feel so badly for Jon and I'm sure you're worried, too. I continue to send love and light to surround him and ask that healing energy, if be for his highest good, penetrate his spine.

Carol - I can just see Mike's "Oh Sh**!" expression as he realizes the car is slipping. Such a big man scrambling to get back inside. I think those are the things that make the memories so precious. The look on our child's face. Brian's shocked and terrorized look as the grill almost blew up in his face and refusing to go near one again. Westley's "I can't believe I did that" embarrassed smirk as he walks around with less facial hair. Precious memories!

Well, gotta get moving. I'll check back later.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Hi All, Don't know how Jon fared through the night, hopefully I will hear from him soon, put my demons to rest. I did wake and worry in the middle of the night, but went back to sleep though ground my teeth as my jaw feels the tension.

Hope everyone is well today, it is quite cool and rainy out, only in the upper 40's. That after three days in the upper 80's and low 90's. Body doesn't know what to do, sweat or shiver.

Carol, so good to read your posts, love you and prayers for WHAT IS NEXT. Give Ralph a hug.

Lori, what a little Dolly Gio is. Blessings to you all.

Trud, I did not speak about the paramedics gathering with you and Mal. I know that that inclination to help is in him, in you too in so many ways. I know it brings so much back for you.

Have a peaceful day if possible today, get some sun on your face if you can...listen to the birds if you are able.

[mysonrich]

Dee, so sorry to hear of Jon's back pain. Was he injured at some point? Sorry if you mentioned the reason for the pain and zI missed it.I,like you both, can't tolerate pain med's. How about an old fashion heating pad?

Carol, Mikes hot tuna brought back a microwave memory. Rich froze a can of soda and when he wanted to drink it, the microwave. He didn't say anything to me until I realized the microwave wasn't working. At that time I explained to him what the arcing was all about. I wasn't mad. It was just a microwave. I remember how he nervously told me of the soda that would not melt! Great time-line pic's of Damon. Time fly's.Yes.Time fly’s. Also worried to hear of your fluttering heart. Take care.

Lorri, you're not a cry baby. I know how you feel. I have always tried to get to graduations and when people bowed out on my kids, I was hurt. What I keep in mind, the people that matter were there. Great cake.

Sherry, going to take care of the mess our beautiful birds made on my car. Yuck.

My uncle died 1 year ago today. Of course my aunt is “emotional”. My mom died 5 days later. SO, I am keeping busy. I wish aunties children would gather around here. I don't want to be mean but I fall right into a pit with her and I find its so much harder for me to climb back out. Busy Busy Busy.....

Thanks for the advice on the driver license. It was suspended about 1 month after Rich died and restored a day or 2 after his birthday 2009. I think it is a mistake, I just have to reach the right person. After going through all my paper's before my move, I don't recall anything that was mailed to me. Guess I need proof.

Rhonda, Betty, ( love the porch ), Trudi,Diane,Lori,Susannah,Tony,CJ,Colleen...thinking of you all.

[ericasmom]

Betty, no particular incident, other than being born to two adults with chronic back issues. His dad had back surgery about three years before he died, maybe more. Fused his vertebrae, but stress and snowboarding mishaps from the past, skateboard incidents and life...have caused him this. He is in a great deal of pain, screaming yesterday, which is why he went to the ER.

Today he needs to find out which hospitals are in his insurance allowance and get a prescription for an MRI and go.