Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

CJ

None of us has ever been in this situation before. It is like we are now living on Venus instead of Earth.

Everything we ever believed, thought, planned for, or dreamt of has changed. It takes time for our brain to adjust to such disruption.

You may have entered the hospital scene, because you want to help people. You will do this again. Please be patient with yourself. The healing takes very long. We have lost a portion of ourselves.

I am so encouraged to hear you say "demons." Just ask anyone on this page who knew me in the beginning. I was full of hate and anger toward the two boys involved in Brian's death. It took me over 2 years to determine that indeed these thoughts of hate were demons that took hold of me and did not want me to heal. You also will be able to recognize and react to those demons that haunt you and tell you that you cannot do some things. Again, this process is very slow.

I am on the road to forgiving Mike (not Sam, because he has no remorse.) But Mike, I am now starting to realize that he is trying to make a life for himself as a felon. That must be very hard.

Be kind to yourself. Look at the glass being half full. Your boss knows you are a capable man who will recover. You may even be better at your job than you were before??

Take care my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Questioning your belief system is pretty normal right now CJ. I am questioning everything I am and everything I used to be. I was so very confident in everything I did. I was confident in my job and my ability to do what was best for our Community. I have coached High School Boys basketball for 10 years now and have always been very confident with that. I spent 9 years at a freshman and Jv coach and then last year was promoted to Varsity Assistant. Being an assistant coach this past year was very hard because I was used to being a head coach. When Brendan died I had way too much time at practice to daydream and be lost in my bad thoughts. I was so confident as a coach. I thought I could help these kids in so many ways. Now I am not so sure. Last week our Varsity Girls Head coaching job opened up. The High School Athletic Director was in my office begging me to take the job. Part of me wants to take on the challenge of running my own program, but the person they want to run the program no longer exists. I am no longer the same coach I used to be. I am no longer the same person. Can I still make a difference and positive influence in the lives of these kids? Maybe I am better off just being an assistant until I get stronger? I have until Friday to make another very tough decision.

Sorry for the picture problems. I am trying one last time. I think I figured it out this time.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[hotrod]

Good Afternoon Indigos

So glad this weekend is over!!!

I too love all the talk about birds who lay eggs in other birds nests, the different kinds of hawks and snakes that rattle around!!! Thanks Colleen, Dee, Sus, Sherry and Rhonda for all your expertise.I have been watching the eagle nest and now I have also added a red tailed hawk's nest to my daily viewing. The red tailed hawk is in Washington Sq. Pk in NYC One egg has just hatched for the hawk and the baby eagles are huge. Both sites are a treasure that I view each day. Being a city folk I go viral instead of actual.

Rhonda I too laughed so hard when you told the story of Westley and his snake. It falling down your blouse and your aunt hearing your screams and not knowing if she should call 911 was/ is a priceless rememory

Betsy Great pictures. Your writing in the sand very meaningful- Bubba as a nickname for Rich I am sure each time you see that- brings a smile to your heart.

Greg Your presentation was touching and filled with love Thanks for sharing your heart

CJ I think your boss is correct - give yourself time remember you have experienced the most painful experience in a lifetime. Take breaks, take deep breaths and know you can do this job. . It sounds as if you and your boss are on good terms so asking for help would not be out of the question. Most important be gentle with yourself and others.. .

Tony, I hear you about the promotion. Slowly but surely we start to relearn to do things. I know I have never been able to look at the world in the same way as I did before the loss of Stephen but I do know I am a much more compassionate, understanding person than I was. If the job really wants you they will be understanding and allow you the time you need to adjust. The picture posted very well. Whata lovely tribute to your wonderful son!! It is so touching.

Lorrie Prom pictures great

Amy sorry about the Mother's day gift I really, really understand

Go Gentle Indigos

[lolynbo]

WISHES I CLD POST IN ORANGE AGAIN SOME DAY... DONT WORK FOR ME..

[andy88]

I made it through yesterday and hope you all made it through too. My ex-husband, Andy's friends, and I held a celebration at his grave yesterday. It was beautiful. We let a bunch of balloons go and with them we tried to let go of pain, grief, and guilt and send up love. Andy's friends have been so incredibly kind to me and stay in touch a lot. They all called, texted, sent flowers and gifts. I am so thankful to still have them in my life because it makes me feel like my life still has some kind of meaning. I love you Andy!!!!!!!!!! Love to all,

Pam

[shorty16]

Tony

You are stronger than you know. Please do not "wait" until you feel stronger. This strength we get comes from doing the things we used to do, but in a different way. Getting back into life and living it in a different way.

Yes, everything has changed, Yes, you are not the same person you used to be. But I am going to agree with Betty on this one - I am a more compassionate and empathetic person then I used to be. I actually like myself better now, but I hate the way I got here.

What ever you choose - Know that we know, your boss knows, and I am sure your wife, Brendan and Jackson know that you can do it.

Take care my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal Rogerson]

Tony- I love your garden! In my opinion (not that it means squat but I think you should take the new position. I am always telling people..."Just JUMP!" no matter how you land you will pick up and run with whatever is handed you. I know that you are still dealing with the move, the grief, the "firsts" and all of that, but maybe a change, a new challange that has nothing to do with your personal happenings would be great for you. Don't know what the doc says about your weight loss, but when Meg died I lost 40lbs in 2weeks. I wish you well in what ever you do.

Thinking of all of you always, wishing you all hope and sunshine today and everyday!

Love & Light

Crystal-Meg's mom

[Guest msnher]

I posted a post and it isn't here.

It was good. It is now gone.

So...does anyone know anything about hydrangeas?

[charsng1234]

How is everyone doing I am ok went to see Allison Du Bois it was great.. I was one of the ppl that she helped, How are our dads on here holding up? Tony what part of Wisconsin are you from I grew up in Superior. I was reading the post they help me so much.. Thanks!! I am so tired feels like this all the time now hope it gets better.

shane's mom/sharon

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - So cool! Can you share what happened with Allison Du bois? If you would rather not I understand. I would pay to see her.

[ericasmom]

Hydrangeas? We have the kind like a snowball bush...that kind. There are many kinds.

Tony, good luck on deciding about the newest coaching decision. I love your garden area, very sweet and a nice way for folks to also join in with the sentiment.

CJ good luck as you prepare to work again. I do think that the lead up is worse than the doing, though after two months, it will take some getting used to...a schedule and all. The responsibility? You know how to do that, and I think that your boss has confidence in your handling things well because she knows you. Now that said, some parents found that they needed a different job once they went back to work after their child died, while others jumped back in and felt grateful to have something familiar to do each day. It is something that you have to do in order to find out. I lost Eri in the summertime of 2003, and I teach school. So I had another 5 weeks beofre school would begin. I was pretty sure that I could never teach again, just felt like I would not care about anyone's child the same way that I had in the past. I also felt that I would not be able to be depended upon and heavens...my own child died, how could I take care of the children of others...these were some of the thoughts I began teaching school with that late August. It was about one hour into the day that I knew it was right where I belonged, that I needed to be there, that I would be the best teacher I could be, and that while sad, I knew how much I still loved teaching. I am so glad that I didn't stay away based on what I thought rather than how I really felt once there. It is hard though, especially that first year, finding the physical and mental strength sometimes. please take your vitamins and drink plenty of water and juice. Replenish your bodies with nutrients, and if you cannot eat full meals, eat some small ones throughout the day to keep your body at its best. Remember that shock and grief are energy zapping events, give your body what it needs now.

Oh, Greg, the piece you wrote for the Bereaved Parents is gorgeous. I loved reading your words and cried some while reading it. I don't think I knew that you lost your Daddy so early in your life. I am sorry. But there he was, guiding you as you grew up and fathered your Children. The circle is complete, even when we lose someone young, the circle is still 360 degrees. Peace Sir.

[ericasmom]

Hey Guys, this is the tree that was decorated for Erica's birthday in April. It is in th epark near the school.

[ericasmom]

Bleeding hearts...

[charsng1234]

well sus it was pretty awesome i was in the front row her asst had the mike she was in the back allison said raise your hand if you want to be read.. So I did my heart was ounding so bad because I knew she was coming to me.. And she did, she asked my name and the person on the other side.. she started smiling the first thing she said was shane really thinks he is a good dancer that had my attention since i always told him he coud not dance, he says he is a jokster and love to have fun. He talked to his girlfriend a little, than went on to say how smart he was hoew he knew everything (thats what my husband always told him)he told us he loved me I was always there for him and always forgave him. He says he is withme when I come onto my room and shut the door and lay in bed so no one hear me cry. he kneels and the end of my bed.. I have more to say but my sleeping pill is kicking in,

night all sharin/shane

[mysonrich]

Dee, thank you for sharing Erica's tree. I see contrasts there. A winters sleep awakening to the color of spring life. Could that be us as we travel this path or the journey our children take. The bleeding hearts are very nice too.

Greg, a powerful article. I see a Pulitzer. I was thinking of Brain and you while watching a man and his son surf fishing this past weekend. They didn't catch anything while we were along the shore but one day I did see a man catch a fish that was around 3 feet long. No clue what it was.Sharin, I did not know that Allison Du Bois was a real person!( I don't get out much ) Very interesting reading and I see she is coming to my area in September.

Tony, be kind to yourself. Take your time. Slowly. Things will slowly start to flow again.

Pam, it sounds like a nice celebration of Andy's life with his friends,ex gathered with you.

Betty, I did see the red tailed hawk on a news feed. I believe they are watching the nest. If you see a link,pass it along.

I have been thinking about Kathy. We don't see her much since she has moved into her new home. Maybe the move did have healing powers for her and Tavian.

Lynn, thinking of you too.Lorri, I remember you writing about camping and all the other things you had to do one weekend. Sounded really busy.

We have had 3 beautiful days in a row here. Looks like another.

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - Anxious to hear more...it renews my hope.

Thinking of planting hydrangeas and maybe a couple lilac bushes. Not sure where, yet.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dee I agree the pictures are lovely How sweet is Eri tree!!! I am so impressed that each year the ceremony decorates it with happy bows,balls and bells. All such pretty things for a beautiful young women.

Sharon What a wonderful gift you received on this Mother's Day weekend Treasure it!!

Betsy how great that the weather has graced you with such lovely days. Here is the web address of the Hawks in NYC:

http://urbanhawks.blogs.com/urban_hawks/washington-square-webcam.html. .

with only one little one it is not as busy as the eagles nest but still so very touching.

My sister has been having her porch rebuilt (by family members) I have been part of the work crew and have tried to photograph the project so that I can do a funny power point presentation at our ribbon cutting ceremony in June . It has been a great adventure- over ordering supplies, arguments over how to proceed, fear as to being able to complete and finally the completion . Here are two pictures I am on my way back to her home today to plant some flowers and paint the porch furniture!! My body is beginning to complain.

Have a good day Indigos

[lolynbo]

AFTER TODAY KODY WILL HAVE 3 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT...I CANT WAIT TO GIVE HIM HIS GIFTS....IM ABOUT TO BUST.....I CANT BELIEVE MY BABY IS GOING TO BE OUT OF SCHOOL..

WOW NOW THATS A HOUSE WITH THE PORCH...LOVE HOUSES LIKE THAT..

LOVE ALL THE FLOWERS..SO PRETTY...IVE DONE WELL KEEPING KOURTNEYS PLANTS GOING...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Betsy, and Betty for the tree compliments. I find it amazing that each year, different kinds of decorations are placed and made by those who remember and by my class of kids. Wonderful.

Betty, WOW, that is a huge porch to build,I would not be able to even know how to begin. I bet your body hurts, and ow you are going home to paint? Your Sis has a huge home, very pretty, and very pretty photo of the two of you.

Sharon, how very wonderful that Allison was able to feel Shane and contact you. Lovely.

Good day All,

[ericasmom]

Yikes Lorri, we posted at the same time, what? Kody out of school? What are his plans? College, work?

[bus1851]

Good morning all,

So far today has been bad. I woke up and for about 2-3 minutes I had totally forgotten my baby Marley was gone. When reality set in I broke down crying for 30 minutes and I just feel very low. Everyone is off to school and I am alone so my mind is wandering. I just can not make myself realize that my baby is gone forever. I keep looking at pictures and trying to make deals with God that would bring my baby back. I feel a little crazy right now. When I got out of bed to get my 2 kids dressed for school I just sat on the couch looking at Marleys picture on the wall and holding a couch pillow like I used to hold her and pretended she was with me and everything was OK. I feel so alone today and miss her so much and hurt so much it is unbearable. My heart is filled with so much love for my daughter and I need to share it with her but she is gone, so what do I do with this lost love. My other two kids need my love and affection but my brain tells me they will be alright and to concentrate on Marley. I know it is not fair but I can't help myself. My little baby was the light of my life and when she died a huge part of me died with her. Daddy loves you Marley and I miss you so much.

Marleys dad-CJ

[Guest msnher]

CJ - Hang on, dear friend, hang on!

Rhonda - How are you? Are you near the river?

Karen - Holding you close!

Leah - You are in my thoughts constantly.

Beth - Miss you.

Dee - love your yard.

Carol - Hope all is well with you. Please give yourself and Ralph a hug from me.

Everyone....love and light!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends,

Today is a cloudy, cool day in Wisconsin. Aaron went to support his rugby team last night. Aaron canot play, he has a partially seperated shoulder.

It seems life moves on - Kody graduating, birthdays are coming, Another mother's day under our belts.

We will go on, my friends. We will survive this - together.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Susannah-Our river has crested and is going down for now. I think we're supposed to get some more rain this weekend, but I hope its not much. Where I live is high up, but where I work is very close to the river, but it hasn't gotten up like it did last year. I got a pink and a blue hydrangea from Westley's best friend's family at the services, but it was wintertime and I couldn't keep them alive until spring. I love them, I think they're really pretty and my sister had some at her old house and if you put coffee grounds near the roots, the blooms would change color or something like that. I have a black thumb, but my sister got my daddy's green thumb.

CJ-I hope you don't mind me saying that it sounds like going back to work will help. You may not agree, but I think you will find that when you have somewhere to focus your energy, (such as it is I know), it will help you. You will still have meltdowns at random times, but I know as long as I was off work, I was trying to solve the "problem" of Westley's death. It cannot be solved, or changed, or reversed, or anything else. Having something else to work on helped me and I hope that it will help you. I understand that you work in a hospital or some kind of health care environment, so it may not be as helpful to you, but getting back to numbers helped me. Hugs.

Betty-Beautiful house, don't work too hard.

Colleen-OUCH! that sounds painful. I hope Aaron's shoulder gets better soon.

Have as good a day as you can all.

[lolynbo]

Yikes Lorri, we posted at the same time, what? Kody out of school? What are his plans? College, work?

FINDING A JOB...HOPEFULLY HE WILL GET ONE AT DOT FOODS (LOADING TRUCKS $15 AN HOUR OR SO)...FOR SCHOOL WE WANT HIM TO GO TO THE VOTEC AND TAKE WELDING,,ANY KIND OF WELDING...KIMBELRY SAYS THE WELDERS MAKE GOOD $$$ ON THE RIGS...AND WE GOT THOSE ROUND HERE...ITS SO HARD TO RAG ON HIM , HES SUCH A GREAT KID...AND WE HAVE ALL LOST SO MUCH...I DONT RAG ON HIS ROOM OR ANYTHING, (ITS NOT BAD JUST LAUNDRY FEW PLACES)...WHY RAG ON THEM, IF KOURTNEY WAS HERE ID LET HER GET AWAY WITH PROB EVERYTHING...(NOT THAT SHE WLD BUT)...

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody.

Sharon

I am from the Slinger area. About 30 minutes north of Milwaukee and probably a 15 minute drive from Colleen in Menomonee Falls. I too am tired all the time. I don't know if it is the medication or the depression. I went to bed at 8:45 last night and didn't get out of bed until 9:00 this morning. I was late for work AGAIN and didn't even care. I just laid in bed not wanting to get up and face another day without my Brendan. I hope we both get past being tired all the time.

Dee

I am glad you liked what I did for Brendan. It is all Brendan. Sports, flags, pine cones etc. That little boy loved everything. I love the tree you decorated for Erica's Birthday. What a great idea. I am hoping to build a much better memorial for Brendan whenever we move to our new house.

Betsy

Thank you for the support. I sure hope you are right and things start to flow again one day soon. I am so lost and broken today as with every day.

Colleen

Thank you for continuing to post. Your posts always give me strength to move forward when I think I am read to give up.

CJ

Once again your post amazing me with the similarities to how I am feeling. I know I am further along in the process, but I used to plead and make deals with God all the time. I actually told my counselor that I would sell my soul if it meant I could have Brendan back and I could watch him grow up and lead a happy healthy life. She did not agree with that and said that Brendan would not want me to make such a deal, but that is how I felt that day and to be totally honest I would make that deal right now if I was given the chance. I am not sure if we will ever stop the missing and the longing for our children. I think one day we just might get used to it. Hang in there.

Today has been a terrible start for me. I could not get out of bed this morning and had no will to do so. I finally got to work around 9:30. I walked into my office started to cry, walked out of my office and went to the cemetery. I just sat on a chair and cried my eyes out. I can't stop telling Brendan how sorry I am that he is not here. I will always feel like I let my little boy down. Why didn't I skip that meeting? Why didn't I stay home to play in the snow with my son? He would be here today if I hadn't made that one decision to leave. I am so sorry that daddy let you down Brendan. So very sorry little man. Now I am just sitting in my office catching up on many of the posts on this website. I need to try to focus soon so I can get some actual work done. I have absolutely no focus, no concentration. I can work on something for maybe 10 minutes and then it is right back to wanting to get out of this office. Lord I miss my son. Daddy loves you B-Diddy. Forever and always.

[ericasmom]

Go Kody, that is a nice hourly wage...wow! Tech school would be great.

CJ I hope that you can find some purpose in the day. I think that you are fighting yourself here, something we all did, when you say that you felt like you should spend some time with the kids but then thought that you should focus on Marley...as though not focusing each moment on her will be unwise or bad luck or you not being a good daddy. You are a good daddy, she died but that doesn't take away the daddy you are to the kids, nor to Marley. It is okay to let yourself go and do other things besides Marley-based thinking. She wants you to CJ, she does not want her Daddy to lose his sense of his goodness, she loves the man you are. She always will. Your allowing or forcing yourself to do something other than what you are doing with your time and energy will not mean you are forgetting her or that you are less loving. The memories of Marley will not leave your life, they will always be there.

Rhonda, be careful with all that water. I am glad that you live up high. The view that I saw on the television last night was pretty scary. Be safe.

Peace all

[Guest msnher]

Tony and CJ - I want to thank you two for coming here and posting so openly and honestly. I don't know that I had it in my power to concentrate on anything but Stephanie those first several months. Her life, her death, was the main attraction of in my thoughts. Something happens to our wiring or connectors when our child dies. We're like a cell phone out of range. Bleeps in and out. Our phone (mind) is always playing our child's life and death and what might have beens and why wasn't I there and all our failures loud and clear, but to get signal to and from the outside world is quite difficult. It's that same "noise" that blocks some messages out from our children.

I don't know if it gets less painful or if we just learn to adjust our receptors to receive additional input. The background noise of our child's death is always there, sometimes louder than others, but somehow we learn to receive other data as well.

There is no way through but through. I admire how you're walking "through".

Hugs,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I don't have a lot of time today but want to reply on a few things and talk about what's going on with me this week.......

Tony, I totally believe the girls coaching job is exactly what you need at this time in your life. It would be in the field of work you love and not to much of a drastic change. You connect your current job with so many memories of your handsome little man... Brendan, that It would be helpful to take you away from the depressing scenery of your current position. Plus, the fact it's working with girls can help you not to compare the past with the present. In my opinion, you should seriously conceder taking it. I know it's hard to make so many changes but, I truly think this is something good for you. I wish you... Good Luck with what ever you decide to do! I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I know how hard that is and can relate to your jealousy that she gets to be with Brendan. BTW, I loved your memorial! As always, you and your family are in my thoughts!

CJ, There is so much I want to say to you! I wish I had more time to express my thoughts and feelings for you and your family. I read all your post and my heart aches for you. I can see so clearly the pain and suffering you and Tony have through your writings. I wish there were something magical I could do to help you through this. But, unfortunately there isn't. So, all I can do is tell you I care, I cry and I sympathize with you. I too work in the Medical field as a Paramedic and I'm also a Supervisor and Training Officer. It was completely freaking me out to go back to the road for fear I wouldn't be able to do my Job. I didn't want my mental status to jeopardize anyones health or life. I also was extremely afraid of crying or losing it, in front of Patients, their family's or the ER staff. To be honest with you I have cried a few times with patients and their family's but it's been okay, they understood and actually praised me for being so strong. I have had to tell myself many times when it comes to my ability to do my job, "it's like riding a bike... you never forget how too." Undoubtedly, it will be very hard for you to stay focused if you are exposed to a patient that will remind you of your Sweet Baby Marley. I set up a "Safe Guard" with my co-worker's in which I told them if there is a situation where I'm not dealing well, they need to step in and take over. They know the "Look" and jump right in... So, I can step back to regain myself. This has only happened once so I think I'm doing pretty well.

Coleen, I love all your advice and support!

Betty, I love your sisters house! I really enjoyed the poem you posted.

Dee, As always it's a pleasure to read your post's.

Sus, You always make me feel good and make me laugh at some of the things you say.

Lorri, I'm glad the poker run went well and that there is a patch supporting Kourtneys Klosit!

Greg, Fantastic story! I'm happy you have been active on BI lately. I like seeing the things you post and reading what you have to say.

Sharon, I'm excited for you and your experience with Allison Du Bois!

Pam, I too, had a lot of Vanessa's friends calling me and sending cards. It was helpful in knowing they were thinking of me in such a bad time. You seem to be doing so well in the transition to your new life without Andy.

Karen, Thinking about you!

Crystal, I hope all is good!

Amy, I feel for you on the Mother's day gift thing! It's so hard to deal with!

Sherry, I love your advice and reading what you have to say!

Rhonda, The snake story is priceless!

Carol, You cheer me up. I love hearing about your husband Ralph!

Betsy, Love the pictures, I want to order food from Bubba's! I was reading the menu and it made me hungry! We call my son Dominick, Bubba!

Trudi, I enjoyed the card you posted.

Diana, I hope your Mother's Day went okay, I know it was a difficult milestone to get through.

To everyone else I may have missed... It's not that I don't think about you or have anything to say. Its just I don't have time to go back and read and I don't remember what I may have wanted to say. I need to keep up and post more often!

My Mother's Day went better then I expected! My Husband stepped up and tried to make it as wonderful as he could! My Son Jeff came over with his Girlfriend and gave me a very thoughtful gift! Overall it was a very sad but good day!

Yesterday, I received a call asking if I wanted to foster TWO LITTLE TWIN GIRLS that are 1 1/2 years old. I don't know what it is about me and fostering Girls but as I've said before that is all I get! I've felt it was some kind of sign after my girls died and I thought back over the years of always fostering sibling sisters. I thought long and hard about it all night and decided today to turn them down. It breaks my heart b/c they are in a shelter and don't have a family to live with. After hearing their story and being told their needs (which is a lot) I just don't have it in me to help this time. It makes me feel terrible! Anyway, an hour after turning them down I got another call on a little boy, then on 4 month old twins a boy and girl! They all need homes! I'm trying to decide what to do, I feel in my Heart this is a sign for me to go back to fostering. Vanessa and Kailey both Absolutely loved all the children I brought into our home.

[shorty16]

Tony – Seems like you have many people on this site that think you can do this new job. I hope you have the same feeling. So sorry about your grandmother. I also was jealous when people died after Brian did. I knew they were with my sweet boy and I also wanted to be there. But the pain I felt was so intense, I could not imagine putting my family through that. Also, love the memorial in your yard. We too have a memorial with a skateboard and a lannon-stone bench made right here in Sussex (Monticelli Quarry).

Also Tony – WOW do I hear me in your posts about guilt. My son died car-surfing. What kind of parent does not know their kid is doing that??? I beat myself up so bad – over and over and over again. This will happen until we learn to forgive ourselves. You did nothing wrong. You are a great Dad. I know that my words fall off your back like water – but it is the truth.

Lori (2 angels in heaven) – Please do not feel terrible that you did not foster those 2 twin girls, because you can only do so much right now. What I learned is that I needed to take care of me right now. It was hard, because I have always been a type AAA personality and could handle anything and everything that came my way. That is coming back, but slowly. What ever you choose, we are with you. Kudos to your husband for stepping up and making your Mother's day a good one.

Dee – Such wise words to CJ. That is so true. What a blessing you are on this site. The tree is awesome. Reminds us that the world continues to turn, the sun rises and sets, and life goes on. That is really hard in the beginning, but as time goes on, we learn to live life again.

CJ – I have to agree with Rhonda and Lori. Going back to work will force your mind to start thinking of something else. I also told my co-workers I needed their help. I am an auditor and need to think of 10 things at one time. When I asked for help – EVERYONE helped me. They were tripping over themselves to help me. You will find this kindness also. You are a Dad who has experienced the worst loss any Dad can go through. They know that and will want to help you – Just ask. As far as feeling crazy – join the club. I actually went to see someone, because I really felt like I was losing my mind. But here, on this site, is where I discovered I was not going crazy, just grieving.

Lorri – Welding is a skilled trade – welders work in many different fields. Being an auditor, I had to audit the “joining technology” (welding) area. The welders are trained on different methods of joining and also different materials. The more materials/machines you can work on, the more you get paid. I used to audit NADCAP National Aerospace and Defense Contractor Accreditation Program. Very tough audits, but our welders always came through with flying colors.

Sus – Love the words “We have to move through the grief” There is no denying this grief. It will be here until we deal with it. My husband and son are still trying to make the steps into the grief. They just as soon try to forget, not talk about it or any other thing to get “around” this grief.

Betty – What a beautiful porch, I love it. Before we purchased this house, we did look at older homes, because we loved the charm, but we did not love the work that goes into up-keep. We settled on a 10 year old home that was a turn-key. Ready to live in.

Greg – I agree with Betsy – A Pulitzer prize is in the works. I read every word of the article and could feel the love coming from it. Your Brian will always be remembered. ALWAYS

Sharin – So cool you went to see DuBois. I was always afraid to do that. I might hear something that I did not want to hear. I am glad you found the strength to go and that you heard what you wanted to hear. Your boy spends time at the end of your bed when you are sad or cry. That is too cool.

Love to all my friends. I would not be where I am without you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Well, back on my meds. The world is a safer place. Have any of y'all ever heard of Gregg Braden? I happened to hear him on the history channel today (a show about Nostradamous) and i googled him. Turns out I have one of his books, but never read it because it didn't capture my attention. His talks, however, do capture my attention. So, I'm listening to him on youtube.

Dinner's in the oven. Pork tenderloin, stir fry vegetables and homemade corn bread straight from a box. Stephanie made the best cornbread from scratch. She began making cornbread for our family at about the age of 10. She was a good cook, period. I figure I can stare at the mountain of laundry (again) and feel guilty or look at my clean kitchen and wonderful meal and feel good. I even managed to shower and brush my teeth. You're welcome.

Foster kids. That's a hard one. You know the kids need a safe home and your love for children make it very hard to turn them away. It would be worse for them (and for you) if you took them and later found out you weren't able to complete the case plan. Pray about it. Trust your gut. Remove guilt AND fear from the equation. Trust your first response.

Betty - I LOVE your sister's house! No one can ever accuse you of being idle!

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Betty----Oh, how interesting---the eagle and hawk's nest to observe. Free nature show !

Dee---Thanks for the pics of the tree decorated for ERi's birthday at the school, and the bleeding hearts.

We also have a bleeding heart plant near the sunroom, and it is blooming so nicely. One day last wk.

I took my sketchpad and watercolor pencils and did a small drawing of the lovely dk. pink flowers....

it was a nice outing....birds singing....a woodpecker hammering away in the neighboring woods.

Sharon----Such a nice Mother's Day gift for you when you found Shane's words from the reading.

CJ----I can feel the terrible pain in your words. That sounds so familiar......trying to make deals with

God to bring back Marley. It's part of the grief process, I guess. Also....waking up in the morning to the

reality that your baby is gone. I know what you mean exactly......even though it has been years....I still

remember that particularly sad thing--- when reality hits you when waking up. Hang on, friend. We're always here for you

Lori..mom2angels-----thanks for your kind words, friend.

Lorri----I had some trouble with getting words/names in color....my computer was messed up a bit....homepage

all goofy etc. Here's what I did.........I did a "System Restore" and used the calendar to take the computer back to

a date BEFORE the problem started. This worked for me, maybe it will work for you.....hope so.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I would love to see your drawings, how nice, you and I could sit with our tablets and draw what the world's biggest gifts, nature.

Thanks Col, and you are a gift to this site...helping out in all directions.

Sus, trust your gut is what I would also say to Lori, it is usually right. Have a good dinner in your clean kitchen.

[charsng1234]

How is it that you can have a good day, talk even laugh than your work day ends and you fall apart? My heart is hurting so bad I hate these ups and downs..

sharon

[shorty16]

Aarons Prom Pictures

Brian's Brother

Love to my friends

Colleen

[shorty16]

Aaron and his friends

Colleen

[aim630]

Colleen-Aaron & his date look great. Hope they had a good time at prom.

Lorri-Kody & Brooke also look great! Hard to believe our babies are graduating soon. Katie graduates a week from Sunday. The cruise sounds like a great idea, that's an experience they'll never forget. Welding pays really well.

Susannah-Your dinner sounded really good. Better than my chicken salad. I hope the medication helps again.

Lori-Don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to take on twin baby girls right now. You have so much on your plate right now, dealing with the grief from your girls, plus you have your own little ones. I'm sure the time will feel right again. It's sad there are so many kids in need. My grandmother kept foster kids until she was in her early 80's, and my parents also kept a few. I used to get attached to the kids, then they left, which was hard, but at least they got a good home while their own was in turmoil. I'm glad you had a good Mother's Day, although I'm sure it was difficult.

CJ & Tony-You know what is best for yourselves, but I agree with some of the others that maybe the job will help take your mind off things for awhile. It's only temporary, and comes rushing back, but you'll have minutes, then hours when the death of your child is not the first thing on your mind. It never leaves completely, but I found getting involved in work helped a little.

Betty-Your sister's porch looks really nice. You have obviously all worked hard on it.

Sharon-I'm glad Allison Dubois was able to feel Shane's presence. Shane wanted you to know he was ok.

Dee-Eri's tree was really pretty. It's so nice so many people decorate the tree in her honor.

Katie did pretty well at the awards assembly. She got one really good scholarship that is renewable as long as she keeps her grades up in college.Also, she seemed to get a lot of the ones that her teachers had a say in, but most of those were pretty small. Every little bit helps though. Katie has had one more B than the girl that is in first place in her class. The girl who is in first place got a ton of scholarships. Her uncle is on the board who decides on a lot of scholarships, so it kind of seemed a little unfair. Also, that girl's grandparents could write a check and pay for their granddaughter's entire college education at one time. Oh well, that's the way things usually go in life-unfairly, as we all know. Katie's been through so much, and I'm proud of her for keeping her grades up and doing as well as she did the past year.

Very tired and need to get up early. My other outside cat died today. He's been sick for a couple of weeks, and the vet could not figure out what was wrong without spending hundreds of dollars on tests. He was 14, and the brother of Ashley's cat who died a couple of months ago.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - WooHoo!! What a good looking group. They look like they're right out of Hollywood. Aaron's girlfriend is gorgeous!

Sharon - Grief is powerful and unpredictable. Shane, himself, could appear directly to you and let you know he's okay and you'd ask him how you could know for sure. You could touch him and hug him and your heart would still break the instant he left. We are now emotionally incontinent. The main thing is you had a good day. Those good days will last longer and in time you will be able to have more than one good day in a row. The darkness will still linger. There will be times you will feel like you're being strangled by your grief. The thing is those times won't last quite as long, won't hurt quite as bad. The darkness will get a shade brighter, dark grey. When you see in color again, and you will, the colors will be more vibrant. The color of the grass, the color of flowers, the color of the sky...God's paintbrush...will have so much more meaning to you. And because you will see so much clearer than before when the darkness hits, and it will, it will feel like a harder fall. But, it isn't harder, worse, more painful. You will think it is because the drop is swift and precise. You will get up again. Somedays faster than others. But, you will...get back up. Grief, Sweetie, just grief. Congratulations on your good day and getting to have some laughter in your life. That's the miracle!

Much love to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Amy - We posted at the same time. I'm sorry about the loss of your cat! Rest well, friend.

[mikesmum]

Finally at the bay. The temp here is 6C. There is snow on the hills around Healesville.

Just wanted to say Colleen, despite those 'hiccup days' you my friend have come along way and have so much to offer.

Those prom pics.....WOW that Aaron comes from good looking stock....Kody does as well!!

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

I don't think I commented on Kody's prom photo's. I didn't mean to slight him on purpose. I looked through them all, Lorri, on facebook. Beautiful couple.

Hope y'all have a good day - or at least find a bit of peace in it.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[charsng1234]

had a minute to stop by wanted say thanks susannah for your words they help me I feel so mixed up like was I suppose to smile? should I be able to laugh? when I do I get this sick feeling in my stomach like I did something wrong I have no clue how to act these days I go to work and I almost feel normal but no one see's in my heart or my mind it takes a second for me to die rifgt there just with ine thought. well I better get ready for work. hope everyone here has a blessed day.

sharon/shanes mom

[ericasmom]

Happy beautiful spring day to all, and fall day to Trudi and Michelle (wherever you are ). May it be a peace filled day.

[mikesmomrs]

Just jumping on to say good morning everyone...read the posts, but have to leave momentarily to pick up Damon from school. Have had a busy week so far with doctor's appointments, etc., but will post later today. Thinking of everyone, as always holding you all close in my heart...sending strength and love.

Colleen: I agree...the pic of the guys together makes them all look like models for GQ...and the pic of AJ with his girlfriend, he looks great, and she is beautiful!

Tony and CJ: I loved Sus's post...it says it all, every word is filled with special meaning to each of us---especially "We are now emotionally incontinent." And, "You will get back up again." And "The colors will be more vibrant." I know all of this seems impossible right now, but it is there, and it will come to you, as well...a laugh that won't make you feel guilty, a thought that won't make you want to cry...these things will come, and hope (and faith in ourselves) is what bridges the gap from now to then.

Trud: SO VERY GLAD that you are back at the ocean...sorry for the temps. I know your heart is lighter there, though, no matter what the temps!

Gotta run..be back later!

[mysonrich]

Colleen, wow. The prom pictures are really great. I think its so nice that young men can now wear colorful clothing. Not like in the stone ages when I attended HS. Aaron sure is a handsome guy and with a very pretty gf by his side.

Amy, so sorry to read about your cats death. We miss them don't we. Mine died after 19 years. She was always a part of Sarah and Richie’s life. ((((hugs)))

[lolynbo]

COLLEEN AWESOME PICS...SO HARD TO SEE EM GROW UP...SURE WISH KOURTNEY CLD PHYSICALLY BE HERE FOR HER BB BROTHER...

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE PHOTO COMPS...VERY PROUD OF MY SON..KODY WAYNE..

GOT SOOO MUCH TO DO WITH GRADUATION IN 2 DAYS HOUSE TO CLEAN AND THINGS TO DO...HOPE ALL IS BLESSED TODAY AND EVERYDAY

[bus1851]

Hello again,

I had my first day back at work, well half day of work. Everything went fine, I had built it up so much that I was nervous, shaky and scared. Everyone at the hospital acted pretty much normal, I thought there would be a lot of questions, consoling, or awkward silences but none of that happened. I was pleasantly surprised. The world just keeps on moving even when yours is devastated. Even though it was just half a day I am exhausted. I suppose the mental drain is kicking my butt. On the way home I stopped by the cemetery to talk to Marley and tell her about my day and for the first time felt really strong being there with her. Most of the time I can't hold it together but today was different. Today I feel like I took some steps forward. Hopefully I can keep making progress and be normal again.

Daddy loves you Marley.

Marleys dad-CJ

[shorty16]

Marley's Dad

That is what usually happens - the days before an event are more nerve-racking then the day itself. This will continue until we realize what is happening to us. Then we learn that the big-event days are usually not as bad as we make them out to be. There are some exceptions to that rule. For me - Brian's Birthday is the worst. Still cry alot on that day.

I am glad all your co-workers were helpful.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Afternoon everybody. I just wanted to write a quick post. I have a meeting to get to so unfortunately I can't say all the things I would like to. I decided to write in the afternoon today because I seem to be stronger in the afternoon than in the morning. I am feeling stronger today. I think I am learning that I am just going to be sad and miss Brendan every day. That is not going to change. I need to learn to live my life even though the pain is there. I met with the high school today and I am leaning toward taking the new job coaching the Varsity Girls Basketball team. I think it might be just what i need. More importantly I think I can help a lot of people there.

CJ

I am glad you got your first day of work over with. I am also happy that so many of your co-workers were there to support you. I think it will be good for you to be there.

Thinking of you all as always.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[ericasmom]

Tony, good luck on that decision making process. I am glad that you are coming to know that the missing is part of this but that in that missing, many things can take place. Life can happen.

CJ same to you, great that you went back and found it less anxiety than you had anticipated. As Col says, it is the way of things now, we instantly think the worst, when in fact it could be OK. Good luck on the return and your energy level. I know it is hard to have the enrgy needed, but it will come. Make sure that you are packing some high proteing snacks to eat in the day...need to keep up.

Amy, sorry about Kitty. Eri adn Jon's kitties are buried in our yard, they went together, knowing that they came together to our home they needed to leave together. We had the vet come to us and give them shots to let them leave this world at the same time. I held Stormy, Husband held Bullet, Jonathan did not want to be present. they left and it was very peaceful. They had no stress of being in the cat carrier and going in the car, they simply sat in our arms and left. We cried. They were 16 or 17.

I too liked Sus's' emotional incontinence.' Good way to phrase it.