Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

My Mother's Day rant obviously is based on how I'm feeling today. I sobbed while writing it and I guess i needed that, but it's just where I was at the moment.

[Toby'sMom]

YES!!! Me too..

What to get on Mother's Day for your spouse who has lost their child.

• A framed picture of her with her child, clouds in the background, "Always Together" written on the picture or the frame.
• A small picnic at the cemetary if her child is buried.
• A picture of her with all the family.

Don't leave the surviving children out because that will just make her feel more guilty.

She doesn't want flowers, but won't tell you that. She doesn't want chocolate, but won't tell you that, either. Mostly she wants to crawl in a hole and never, ever come out. But, she won't tell you that, either. She will try to be strong for your sake...for the family's sake. But, she will be dying inside. With each smile and thank you she whispers the razor that now is a part of her anatomy will slice. She will mean "I love you". She will mean "thank you". She will be sincere when she says how grateful she is for you and her surviving children. Yes, she will mean it. But, she would trade it all in a heartbeat to go be with the one that was ripped from her.

The one she carried inside her womb. The one she held to her breast as her baby suckled. The one whose first smile she blatantly denied was gas. The baby who kept her up before it was even born because of heart burn. The baby who kicked her ribs so hard she bruised them.

She wouldn't want to stay gone. No, she would want to come back and take care of you and her other children. But, she would go, most definitely, if she could.

Make this Mother's Day about her. Listen to her. Let her tell you how it feels to be without the child you also mourn. Mother's Day will never again be about fancy restaurants, expensive gifts or breakfast in bed...although, I'm sure she would love breakfast in bed if only for the fact that would mean she doesn't have to get out of it.

Because I promise you, this Mother's Day is killing her.

[Guest msnher]

Last year Mother's Day was on May 9th, Stephanie's 9 month mark and the day my son tried to kill himself.

Last year Mother's Day was spent begging God, if there is one, to save my son. I sobbed as I told my husband I knew everyone thinks I'm strong and doing great but I'm not strong and I'm doing horrible and if my son dies I won't recover. My husband's response was "I know"

For some odd reason the tears are falling freely tonight. Not sure if it's Steph's death or everyone else associated with her death or that I'm being weened off my anti depressants.

[ericasmom]

Marley's Dad, however you spend it, and whatever card you get, you will know how she is missing Marley because of the ways you are. I do believe that all of you need to acknowledge the difficulty of being happy on a day that almost prescribes it. Let the kids know that this Mothers day is not the way other ones have been because Marley died. That is something that they can understand. Tell them that next year will more than likely feel different because time will pass allowing some of the pain to heal. We will never forget Marley,how could we, but we will have learned by then to let some of the pain go. These are more concrete ways for young ones to hang onto some hope and some reality. They need to be part of this process because they are part of this family. They of course cannot get through this unscathed, this loss will also help form their decisions in life, so let them be part of it in order to also be a part of the healing.

I am sorry for all of those feeling so sad tonight/today.

I went to see one of my biggest musical heroes tonight and it was wonderful. I felt Eri there when Neil Young opened up with , "my my hey hey, rock and roll is here to stay..."

A really lovely evening with tears too.

Blessings to all the Moms and Dads and Siblings and Grandparents of those who left early.

[mikesmomrs]

Didn't get back from our ball game til almost 10:30...it was supposed to go from 1:30 til about 4 or so...rain delay after the 2nd inning...didn't restart till after 4 pm...we were under cover, so stayed and waited the rain out. Also, got seats (had standing room only tickets) as some people left and gave us their seats. YAY! Game was over around 6:30...then, traffic. But, THEY WON!!!! yay, finally. Anyway, we had a good time...this was Cathi's birthday game, but Jamie, her youngest, and Kam, Mike's middle son, came with us. They were so good throughout the wait...even though Jamie is afraid of being out in thunderstorms (and they were pretty huge), he managed to focus and ground himself and was able to calm down...(Jamie has anxiety issues). He really did a good job, under the circumstances...we were sitting pretty high up, there were tons of people around us who had abandoned the uncovered seats and were squeezed into the covered part, making tons of noise. I am so proud of him! We stopped at a really nice Italian restaurant on the way home and had a great dinner. Tired, tired, tired. But, a good tired. We knew Mike was with us...Jamie gave Kam some of his Nerds (candy), and one was in the shape of a heart...they were tickled. Oh, and we found FREE parking (usually 30 bucks). Yay, and yay!

I love what Colleen (thanks for sharing your wisdom, Col) said about making one memory today, and it being especially important for us to keep on trying especially for our other children...those who "did not ask to live." These are so important, and on that first Mother's day after losing a child, a mom is fragile, oh so fragile, (loved your post, Sus...your words are never a "rant," never...) as are all of those within her household...draw from each other, take what you can from your memories to give you strength to see the next hour, the next minute, if you have to...whatever keeps you breathing, just do that, and don't think about anything else at the time.

Trudi: I hope that you were able to go through the day with Micheal giving you strength to keep on to the next moment...and strength also from the sweet memories that live in your heart. Much was taking place what with your first "outing" for Mother's day and I hope that you were able to stay in the moment and soak up some love from your children and grandies.

Tony and CJ:..my heart goes out to you, as you each struggle to help your wife through this day, even as your own heart is struggling to find the next breath...holding you close as each of you and your family go through the moving process...your beautiful Brendan and Marley will each go with their family wherever they are, and eventually your new home will offer you comfort, as well. You will fill it with the sweet memories that accompany you wherever you go, as well as all of those new ones that you make with your children who are still physically present, who still count on you and fill you with love each day. We moved two years after Mike died, and it was truly tough, but all of those here helped me make it, helped me to know that Mike will always be with us, no matter where we are. Mike died in our dining room (he was in hospice care at our home) and it was truly tough leaving that sacred place where we prepared him and comforted him as he left this earth for his eternal life. At first I could not go near the room, and then someone helped me to see it as a sacred preparation room, one where we "loved" Mike through those last weeks of his illness, "loved" him into the house of his Father...Mike truly believed, his faith was strong, made stronger as the days passed, bringing him closer to that last one here, and those of us witnessing this could only hope that we would be so calm, so blessed. So, how could we leave this sacred room behind? We learned that the room was indeed a sacred place, while Mike was here, but after he had physically left, we didn't need the sacred room any longer, because wherever we were, it was sacred, because we carry his love and spirit with us, always. It took us a long time to realize that, and longer still to accept it. We still have those dark days when it's hard to see the "why?" But, we also have that beautiful spirit rooting for us, and also the strength, love, and support from all here, to help us find our way back to that belief. As I stood there in that room on that last day in our home (we had built that house, and made it a home, moving through life in it as a family, for 20 years), I felt Mike's spirit with me. I knew that a mere room could not contain such a force, and I walked to the door, the same one that Mike went through two years before for "that one last time," as we stood and watched, helpless to change things. I now felt stronger, the love contained in my memories overcoming the sadness, and I was able to look forward, tears all the way to the car, but clear eyed enough to make it. With such a force of love with me, how could I not?

It takes time, much time, but you will get there, each of you, as all of the newly bereaved here...Sharon, Diane, Crystal (all of you), Lori, Pam, Carrie, Karen, Cheryl, will, along with any here who are struggling, as we who have been here on BI will help you, and your angels will see to it that it happens.

Bonnie and those who are thinking about VA in July...it has rolled around in my mind, also...I haven't talked to Ralph about it yet, but it just might be. I have to check the expenses first, etc. Wow, that would so fantastic...just so fantastic. Dee, ERI FEST will have already taken place, right? Your sweet Erz was surely there with you tonight, as they opened with a song that sings in your heart as a celebration of your sweet baby's life..."my my hey hey, rock and roll is here to stay..." Your words of wisdom to Tony and Marleysdad so right on, so beautiful; spoken straight from your heart, so very you.

To all---thank you so much for sharing your pics...Betsy, not bored to tears at all, just joyous to share in the beautiful pics...you do a great job! Lorri: Two beautiful young people..hope they had a good time...is the corsage on Brooke and flower in Kody's lapel the ones that you put together? They are beautiful. Sherry: Beautiful birds and congrats on getting the pics posted...good job! Betty--it was an honor to help you through these days, truly. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone, please know that I hold each of you in my heart every day, and I wish for all of you that this day you will be swarmed with memories of your sweet child...held up by the love of and from them, the love that lives on in your hearts, always and forever.

Wanted to share a card that Mike gave to me... he usually made his cards, but this one caught his eye...I can still see him grinning that sardonic grin of his as I read it...

[mikesmum]

Well Indigo's, I log on to such positive posts, beautiful pics and words of wisdom from those who know.

Our Mothers Day here in Australia is winding down. I was unsure how the day would unfold but woke with a positive feeling. It was on the back of a nice dinner had with Mal's kids and partners last night. Dion (Mal's grandson) 'gave me' a key ring for 'mothers day'. It read "You can scare me I have children". Ironically, this was something I had on a T-Shirt back in the '80's when my kids were younger.

Then today we went out for lunch. The kids booked the restaurant, sight unseen. Both thought it was 'the large one' with a huge 'yum cha'. Well, it was a little one, we were the only 'booking'. They didn't do yum cha, they did banquets. It was like I was being transported back. It was like the ones we went to back in those early days. Grandies were impressed with the 'lazy susan' in the middle of the table.

The day progressed with much talking, laughing, memories and of course sharing of the banquet. I wore at necklace Mike had given me the year before he died.

I also wore a set of'angel' wings on my blouse, another reminder Mike was still with me. Caleb saw it and said, 'I've got one of those'. He had bought himself a backpack at a local thrift shop yesterday amd there on it, angel wings...

Needless to say the day was one of memories made to be kept. One downside, on the way home we were almost wiped off the face of the earth by someone who just didn't slow down coming into t-intersection. Years of defencive driving paid off and Mal avoided colliding with this 'jerk'. My thought, 'you jerk you have no idea how many lives you would have altered forever with your driving'. Ahhh, but home I am, safe and warm. Light buzz from white wine with dinner....don't usually drink but hey..

For those about to wake tomorrow for your 'Mothers Day'. It will be hard, it won't be easy to hear 'Happy Mothers Day'...but there is a memory somewhere in your mind, like Carol's card, that will albeit briefly, make you smile....

For those who have seen it before, endulge me

[mysonrich]

Carol, love the card. From what you have shared of Mikes life, your faith and his returned faith, I can see why that card spoke to him. Funny.

Sus, thanks for sharing

Dee, sounds like a great concert.

The birds are signing outside, me and Sarah will be headed to the shore later this morning. This is our third mothers day missing Rich. The past two,Mothers Day was just not mothers day. As many others have said here, we have to make new memories always with our child/children that have left us,almost as if they are a figure in a picture of the day in the background,the background of our hearts. Always there.

To my Mom, I miss you . My first Mothers Day without you here but the morning dove i hear today reminds me that you are close by.

Someone here was talking about Disney. Go.

Sarah and Rich. Looks as if Rich just wants to get going!

[Guest msnher]

The worst thing to do on Mother's Day for a woman who has lost a child is nothing. Sometimes it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't type thing. You'll be damned for a lot longer, however, if you do nothing...unless she asked you to do nothing, then it's okay. You might want to ask her a couple of times through out the day if she's sure she doesn't at least want you to make her a peanut butter sandwich. No. Don't do that...that could be dangerous for your well being.

My husband bought me flowers and chocolates. Oh well.

[ericasmom]

what beautiful cards and thoughts and suggestions and love all coming from hearts that have been broken... and so let it be felt and seen and known, that even broken shattered hearts do beat on and learn to live and love and remember- and step into the new sunlit days. There is hope.

May there be some sense of peace in this and all days going forward

[nicksdad]

[Guest msnher]

Yesterday...Curtis was walking to find the perfect fishing spot when he hears a rattle and hissing. He turns, acknowledges the snake, decides to just ignore it and walks on. Apparently the snake didn't take too kindly to being disrespected by my son's lack of fear. Curtis finds his spot, casts his line and hears the rattle. He turns just in time to see the snake coming at him. "You've got to be kidding me!" He says to the snake. He picks up a big stick and hammers the snakes head until it is dead. The snake picked the wrong opponent. Curtis had a fasination with reptiles since he was a little tyke. I never knew what he was bringing home.

He completely ruined one of Jennifer's birthday parties by trying to show off the 4 ft gardener snake found. Little girls screaming, crying and running. Little sister yelling, "Mom, tell Curtis to get his snake out of her!" Curtis laughing at the chaos his snake generated.

I came from the kitchen quickly trying to keep the little girls together. Yelling at Curtis to get that snake out of the house NOW. Trying to comfort the distraught little girls I notice the reaction of the little blind girl in Jennifer's class. She stood still, eyes quite allert, as she said "Can I touch it?"

Her question brough immediate calm to the storm. Curtis quieted and held the snake like a baby, as little "M" ran her fingers across the back of the snake. "It's dry." she marveled. Most people think snakes are slimy. Curtis then became the teacher, telling her all about what he had learned (through experience) about snakes in his 7 yrs of life. Other little girls got some courage and wanted to touch, too. Some hung back. Jennifer sat on the sofa crying because Curtis "ruined her birthday". First he scared everyone, then he stole the stupid limelight with his stupid snake.

When everyone was done touching the snake, Curtis was a little softer than the malicious little boy who set out to stir things up a few minutes ago. His reference for the blind girl who wasn't afraid of a snake. He set the snake free, as he always did, in the back desert. All the kids washed their hands and enjoyed cake and icecream. Jennifer enjoyed the attention the other little girls bestowed on her as they tried to soothe her hurt feelings.

Personally, I hate snakes. They fascinate me, but I don't like them.

[shorty16]

Happy Mother's Day, my friends

We are and forever will be their Mother's

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mysonrich]

an accidental find. I heard this at the end of the movie " The Wildest Dream" , today. Now, out into the world.

[hotrod]

Dear Indigos

This is a hard day for me. I found this poem and it says it all

I thought of you with love today

But that is nothing new

I thought of you yesterday

And the days before that too

I think of you in silence

I often speak your name

Now all I have are memories

And your picture in a frame

Each morning when I awake

I know that you are gone

And no one knows the heartache

As I try to carry on

My heart aches with sadness

And secret tears still flow

What it meant to lose you

No one will ever know

My thoughts are always with you

Your place no one can fill

In life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

There will always be heartache

And often silent tears

If tears could make a staircase

My heartache make a lane

I'd walk the path to heaven

And bring you home again

I hold you close within my heart

And there you will remain

And walk with me throughout my life

Until we meet again

Author Unknown

Have a Blessed Day

[andy88]

Happy Mother's Day!

Once a Mother, Always a Mother!

With love,

Pam

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. I just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day. I hope you all find some peace and comfort today. I know all of our children are watching over us today.

Susannah

The lexapro has caused extreme tiredness, lack of appetite and my hands and legs shake a lot. He is concerned about my weight loss, but is more concerned with the depression and wants to get that under control if at all possible. He thinks the appetite will come back as my body adjusts to the medication.

CJ

Jackson and I did the same thing yesterday. We looked for that perfect Mother's Day card, but couldn't find the one with the right words. We finally settled on two cards and a nice plant and some flowers. I also did some landscaping outside yesterday and made a small memorial for our Brendan. It is an area that Brendan and I landscaped last year together. I added mulch, a new stone with a nice quote, a hanging flower, a wooden cardinal and then his soccer ball, basketball and baseball bat. It actually looks pretty nice. I hope she liked it.

It has been a really rough weekend. I don't understand this world anymore. I used to think that I did. Yesterday afternoon I had to go and say goodbye to my Grandma. She has been sick for years, but seeing her the way I saw her last night was terrible. I don't understand anything anymore. This life, this world why God would allow suffering the way he does. My grandma did not deserve to suffer the way she did, Brendan did not deserve to die at the age of 7. My wife did not deserve to spend a Mother's Day without her son, I did not deserve this pain, Jackson did not deserve to lose his big brother and none of you deserve to lose your children either. I was so angry when I saw my grandma yesterday. I walked out and started screaming at God. I need him to help me understand. She passed away last night two minutes before mid-night so not on Mother's Day. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like I am just going through the motions waiting for my turn to be with Brendan. Part of me is jealous of my Grandma because I truly believe Brendan was waiting for her.

Wishing you all the best today.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[westleysmom]

Betsy-I'm glad that Sarah is getting to use the car and that it didn't make you have a heart attack. Westley's will take a lot of money to get running again I'm afraid, so we're not doing anything right now.

Carol and Trudi-Thanks for sharing the cards from your boys. Of course I cried.

Susannah-Westley was not afraid of snakes either. When he was about 9 or 10, he came in the back door beside which I was sitting in a chair talking on the phone to my childless aunt. He said Mom, look! and opened his hand to reveal a tiny ring neck snake he had captured outside. I was not expecting such a treat, and jumped, knocking the snake out of his little hand and directly down my button up summertime blouse! So it lands in my lap and I have to stand to get it out of there, shrieking in my aunt's ear all the while. She thinks she needs to hang up and call 911 because it sounds to here like I'm possibly being skinned alive or maybe burned at the stake. She keeps saying "Rhonda, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you there? Who is it? Do you know them?" And Westley is rolling on the floor laughing as I threaten to kill him with my bare hands for bringing a snake into the house. I can almost laugh but then I start crying remembering it.

Its funny if I'm down before the day, the day isn't as bad, but if I manage to keep up appearances until the day, the day is harder. I only have one good convincingly normal day in me at the time, and I was "on" all day yesterday for the shopping trip with my daughter and granddaughter. I am not going to make it to church, I don't think. I don't want to hear it today, I just want today to be over. Maybe it will get better when I see Laney later on at lunch. She can usually cheer me up, at least for a while. Love to all of you on a day that seems more sad because you're supposed to be so damn happy. I hope it is kind to you and somebody, even just one somebody says the words to you that touch the broken spot inside and give you comfort and peace.

[Crystal Rogerson]

Hello All:

Haven't been on in awhile, but still read everyday.

When the kids were little and my husband would ask, 'What do you want for mother's day", every year I would say I want to sleep in, not have to do dishes, not have to do laundry, not have to cook. Basically not be a wife or mom for a day. (I didn't say that of course but that is how I felt). As he had 3 kids and I had my 2. Doing laundry, dishes and cooking for 7 people was no small daily task. Now that all the kids are grown and out on there own and Meg is gone...is all I want for mothers day is to have that all back. Dishes, laundry, siblings fighting, cooking cleaning up after everyone....I want it all back. The older 3 still stay in contact, my ex-husband died in November and of course I still have my youngest daughter even though she is grown, married, going to college and has a baby of her own and lives 3000 miles away...I want to go back to him asking, "What do you want for mother's day", and every year say...I want to get up at the but crack of dawn and listen to the kids squabble and do everything that I do everyday for 7 people. I should have loved every minute of it while I had it. I am so sorry that every year I wanted a day off.

[ericasmom]

Hi Megs MOm, good to see you again. Hope that LEah and all the other Moms like Mary Anne, Elaine, Kay, and so many we have met along the way, are somehow feeling the love today.

Snakes? My Son had two as pets adn my younger bro always had snakes and lizzards. I too had lizzards as I moved out. But Jonathan had a red tail boa and a ball python. One got out and we never found her again, so when we rented the house with option to buy, we had to let the folks know, they didn't mind. They were snake lovers.

Having a nice day, going out for a pretty walk now in the sunshine.

Love to all,

PS

Tony the garden area sounds great

CJ you doing okay?

Betty, love that poem, thanks,

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I belly laughed reading about the snake down your dress and you screaming while holding the phone and Westley rolling on the floor laughing. Absolutely priceless!

Dee - Curtis had a ball python at one time, too. He had a monitor (sp?) too. He had a leash for it and everything. He and I would go for walks with his huge lizard that I called an allegator. I told him most mother's sons walk their dog..and he'd laugh. Of course it was a great conversation piece for other pedestrians...after they got over the shock of seeing the huge lizard.

Meg's mom - Your post reminded me to be thankful for this life I have with my grandkids.

Tony - Lexapro had that affect on me too. I didn't like the shaking and sweating. Pristique did not give me those side effects. However I am no getting off my anti depressant and I don't like "those" side effects/affects one little bit! My son hated Pristique.

it's only 1pm, but so far today has turned out okay. I had a major melt down at my meeting. I was viciously mean to one of the "old timers". I was right. But, I was mean about it. I stormed out, slamming the door behind me, drove around and then went back and apologized. There were only four women at the meeting today. One lost her husband last year. the rest of us have all lost children. One has lost two children. So, we sobbed throughout the meeting. The men, about a dozen of them, were very supportive and cried with us. As I left the meeting my son and his wife drove up with a huge pot of flowers and a beautiful card for me. I just clung to him sobbing. He kept laughing...not in a laugh at you laugh, but in a it's okay Mom laugh.

Then I went to Albertson's (grocery store) and bought 3 huge mother's day balloons, some fried chicken and an icecream cake. The kids, Gary and I stood in a circle on the front lawn and quietly thought about Stephanie for a moment and then the kids released their balloons. Then we ate, laughed and talked. Now we are all in quiet time. my nap time.

[Brendan's Daddy]

I knew today was going to be rough, but I had no idea how rough. My wife has been so strong through all of this. I am so proud of her. Today has just been too much for her. She spent the afternoon so far just laying on Brendan's bed sobbing. I am not sure what to do for her. When I go up there I just sob with her and Jackson looks so sad. I took Jackson outside to play and let mom stay in Brendan's room. She fell asleep on his bed with his blanket draped over her. It looked like somebody dumped water around her head on the sheets from all the tears. It is so hard to see all the happy families out there today. No mother should ever have to feel this way. My heart is so broken. I am not sure how to help my wife. I can't even help myself. I hope things turn around later today. We are going by my parents for dinner later on. My father is having a rough day as well with the loss of his mother last night. I just told him that Brendan was waiting for her when she got to Heaven.

Love to you all today.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[lolynbo]

I STOLE THIS FROM MARCIAS FB PAGE...WANTED TO SHARE...

Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck

JUST GOT BACK FROM CAMPING, BREAKFAST WAS COOKED FOR ALL BY ALL (BUT ME) I WAS SURVED FIRST AHD UNLIMITED COFFEE, AND PRAYERS FOR US AND MISSIN MY GIRL...(JUST FAMILY WITH OUR ANGEL MISSING )

HOME NOW ALL PUT UP AND ITSSSSSSSSSSSS HOTTTTT ABOUT 95 SO FAR...POOL LOOKING PRETTY GOOD TO ME....

THINKING OF ALL OF YAL TODAY...MOMS, MUMS, MOTHERS, MOMMYS, AND MOMMAS (WHAT KOURTNEY ALWAYS CALLED ME)....HUGGGS TO ALL ON SUCH A RUFF DAY...

[shorty16]

Tony

You are doing exactly what she needs. Crying with her and then let her cry while you take Jackson out to play. You are an awesome husband.

This entire year of firsts will be very tough until we can put our feet under us and stand - if only for a short time.

Keep up the good work, Tony.

CJ - You too did just what needed to be done. Celebrate the lives of your surviving children. I know that is tough, believe me, but that is what we have to do now.

Love to all the Moms. We are and forever will be there Mother.

Scott made me breakfest and we went for a walk. We then went to Steins and bought some pansies. Planted them in pots. The flowers and weather today made me smile.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[bus1851]

Happy mothers day to everyone, I hope today has been enjoyable for all mom's. Myself, today has been somewhat strange. I felt good after waking then just lost all my energy and became completely exhausted. We went to my in laws house for lunch then I came home and just crashed out. I don't usually take naps ever but I slept for a few hours and now feel a little better. Today I have been tied up with emotions that have worn me out. I guess the build up before a holiday drains you so much and you do not even notice it is happening. I visited the cemetery to tell Marley her mommy loved her card and stayed with her for awhile. I have been crying off and on ever since. I go to my bathroom to cry so I don't upset anyone. Our first mothers day without Marley has been more painful than I anticipated. I miss my baby, I miss my whole family, I miss the person I used to be.

Daddy loves you Marley and I miss you so much.

Dee-hanging in their. I used to tell everyone I am taking it one day at a time, now I take it one moment at a time or minute by minute. To much happens in a full day to describe my emotional roller coaster.

Marleys dad-CJ

[ericasmom]

95 out, go swimming Lor, jump in for me. Glad that you had camping family time. Love the KK patches/

Meg's mom, did I already say this? All Parents want a break when the little ones are little, so don't feel guilty, it sure doesn't mean that you did not appreciate it when it was happening, it simply meant that you had a lot of responsibility and it felt good to take a once a year break. We all did that at some point. Go easy on you.

Col, I second your thoughts to CJ and Tony. You guys are doing what is needed for each family member. Yes it is hard for the young ones to witness our breakdowns and our anguish, but it also allows them many things not the least of which is to see that your emotions are real and that means they can show theirs too. It also shows them the depth of your love and that must feel pretty good to a child on some level. Allowing your child to see your joy when baby's come to your life provides them so much, and this sadness too is just as important to your children growing up and noting what families do when tragedy strikes. It is like algebra, the only thing I understand about algebra is that both sides of the equation must be equalized. Both sides of life and death hold this special balance too, the birth of a child brings great joy and hope and so the opposite and equal in strength emotion happens when a child dies. Allowing your children to see you weep adn mourn allows him/her to understand his parents hearts, his own heart, and then allows them all the sense of working together to learn how to live again. Their grief is different of course, but very real. I wish you all so much. And yes, Brendan helped Grandmom find her way.

Love the ERma Bombeck quote. Thanks Erma.

[daveydow1]

Megsmom-----I, too, know what you mean about wanting back the days of 'busyness' in the house.

My daughter, son-in-law and the two grandies came over today. They all went golfing, except for myself, and

sweet little Trenton David. age 4. I 'RE-hid' the plastic eggs for him (again)......outside. He had a basket, and ran

to look for & recover them.....(22 eggs). Then I showed him the flower garden, gave him homemade soup, an ice cream

cone, and we watched some of "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs".....When they came back from golfing, we had soup

and pumpkin pie .It was a nice day here....no rain for a change.

Betsy----Nice pics. We have red-winged blackbirds around. They are so pretty. Also, have you seen cowbirds?

They are a black bird, with a brown head......rather a strange looking bird. We have birds nesting in our two

birdboxes in the grape arbor . Bluebirds in one, and not sure what the bird is in the other one.

Dee---Oh, scarlet tanagers are beautiful birds. I don't believe I have seen one around here yet. I did see a

bluebird yesterday sitting on the feeder hook. YIKES----Snakes as pets.!! David always loved pets of any

kind, and in his apt. wasn't allowed a dog, so he chose a large aquarium and filled it with tropical fish....all

kinds. He also had a sm. aquarium, and had a turtle and a lizard at different times. The lizard became a

pain to take care of....due to getting some sort of live bugs for it to eat etc. The local pet shop closed, so he had

to drive far every other day just to get the bugs (or whatever it was). I believe he gave the lizard to his friend

who also loved aquariums.Let us know how the Neil Young concert was.

Sus---This year is the first time we have seen grosbeaks, in all the time we've been feeding birds......quite

a few years. They are striking birds to see. Black head and upper body, white-striped with black wings,

a rose-red patch under at the neck. We had to run to the bird chart to identify them.

The female is shades of brown/tan.

Lorri----Glad the poker run was a success. Also.....thanks for the prom pics, and for the Erma Bombeck saying.

CJ-----I felt so bad reading your post about getting your wife a card for Mother's Day. I, so, can relate to the feelings

of losing little Marley at 5 mo. of age. So special at that age, and you said the same things I have said when my

Lisa died at 6 mo. of age from accidental choking/pneumonia/ cardiac arrest. I wish there was something that I

could say to ease the pain, but I know that there are no words. Wishing you, your wife, and family peace.

Rhonda-----Know what you mean....wishing that today was over. Hang on, friend.....we're here for you.

Sus----Forgot to mention your son's encounter with the rattlesnake (?). I must say he sure was cool-headed

and smart about it. I believe I would have been in the next county real soon. I was not especially afraid of snakes

when I was growing up, but WOULD be afraid of a poisonous one. Glad that he didn't get bitten.

Carol-----the ballgame sounds like fun. Good that you got some seats after others were leaving....and the Red Sox

won !!! That made all the rain and delays a little more tolerable, right? Oh, thanks for the pics of the wonderful little cards that

Mike made for you.....so cute and funny.

Trudi---Glad that you had a nice outing for lunch, and all the fellowship and memories you shared with the

kids.

Dan---Nicksdad----Thanks for that beautiful purple butterfly greeting. I love purple, and I love butterflies.

Betty----Nice poem you posted. I have seen parts of it included with memoriams in the newspaper. Words so true.

Tony----Hoping that the side effects for Lexapro subside. So sorry to hear of your dear Gramma's passing. Bless her,

and may she rest in peace.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Happy Mother's Day to all (and wives of the dads here). Today was a tough day for all of us, especially those of you going through this the first time. Every first is hard.

The snake stories made me laugh out loud.

Susannah-I told my husband I didn't want anything, because the one thing I wanted I couldn't have. Then when he didn't get me anything I got mad. He was going to take me shopping so I could buy what I want, but no store is selling the thing I want most. Katie got me a book, and something else she ordered but hasn't come in yet.

Saw my old neighbor today for the first time since Ashley's funeral. Ashley used to spend a lot of time at her house and she was always a good friend to Ashley. I wanted to cry because it reminded me of old times. Her kids are getting married and having kids of their own now.

I don't even want to go to work tomorrow, I'm so tired of it. I know with a lot of people out of work, I shouldn't complain & I get paid pretty well for not having a college degree. Katie got at least one scholarship (we know she got $1000 at least), and Tuesday morning is the senior awards ceremony. Hopefully she got more, because we are responsible for paying Ashley's student loans (the ones we co-signed). I hope we don't have a problem co-signing for Katie since she worked so hard in high school to get good grades. Right now she is 2nd in her class, salutorian (sp) so she will be giving a speech at graduation unless she fails her exams or something.

I've been reading every day, just don't have much to say. I am thinking of all of you though, and hope everyone made it through today ok.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mysonrich]

Island Beach State Park and Seaside NJ. A good day.

Lorri, did you go camping last year on Mothers Day?

Rhonda, the snake memory is great. I was really laughing out loud!

Colleen, words of wisdom. You, Dee,Carol,Sus and many others certainly know how to guide one down this path.

Dee, how is your son?

Richie's nick name is Bubba.

I thought this was cute, the seagull is real.

Yes. I rode the merry go-round. So did Sarah at my insistance ( push,drag,shove)

hope we all have a restful night. I woke early this morning gasping for breath.A bad dream. I hate that kind. So, a soothing day to take the badness of it away.

:angry:sorry about the giant pictures.

[mysonrich]

Sherry, we have barn swallows. same bird?

[ericasmom]

Betsy, thanks for asking, and thanks for th ephotos. Jonathan made us dinner tonight, buffalo shrimp, shiskabobs, and corn on the grill. Super delicious, and he and Shan bought a fruit covered cheese cake from Whole Foods. Yum, and not that overly sweet kind, but the real kind of cheesecake, dense and rich with none of that goopy syrup that I dislike, but real fresh fruit, blackberries adn kiwi and strawberries. I am stuffed and due to the lack of sleep last evening, going to bed. I am pooped.

Sherry, bluebird nest? how lovely. We have a lot of red wing blackbirds and I have defintiely seen cowbirds. They are a bit odd looking. Yes the tanagers are gorgeous, as Jonathan said, they are more red, brighter than cardinals and they are somehow.

Neil Young was lovely Sherry, he was not on stage until 9:30 though and we took public trans so going home at midnight, some sketchy folks on the train at that time. BUt I stayed up till past 1:30 and just did not sleep well. Thought I would nap today but had no time, went to the gym and then to the grocery and we went to husband's mom's for a bit of lunch that we brought and then home to grade papers and a long walk with Shannon, then to Jon and Shannon's for dinner. Whirlwind weekend. Lovely weekend.

My heart to you all, thanks for the care that so easily is shared here.

Rhonda, love the snake down your shirt.

Sus, glad that the rattler was not as tricky as he thought he was.

[shorty16]

My friends

I love all the bird-talk on here.

Scarlet Tananger - WOW. I have never seen one in the wild. How lucky are you - and to have a nest also!!!! These birds have eluded me....

Barn Swallows - those are awesome fliers. They catch mosquitoes. They make mud nests and their babies are really funny looking. That is a great bird to have other than they tend to make a mess under their nests. But in the evening, the flying show they put on is well worth the cost to see it - FREE.

Blue Birds - Even cooler. Beautiful birds that eat both worms and seeds. Since they nest in nest cavities, they tend to be driven out by the more aggressive birds. When people build blue-bird houses, they have to be vigilent and clear-out the sparrows that overtake these houses.

Rose-Breaster Grossbeaks - when the male flies he looks like a colidescope(sp) of black and white. Really beautiful.

I am so happy my friends are enjoying the feathered-friends in their area. I have always loved birds.

I think one of my neighbors has a Coppers Hawk nest in their big pine. Coppers and Sharp-shinned are so close it is hard to tell them apart other than the slight rounding of the Copper's tail - that is what I saw. I do not want to freak-out my neighbors by showing up in their yard with binoculars - they will think I am nuttier than I already am.

The wonders of nature!!!

Keep up the good work, my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Cowbird Talk.

Cowbirds are termed: Social Parasites. They lay their eggs in other birds nests. The cowbird baby hatches earlier and pushes the other eggs out. I have seen wrens feeding a cowbird baby - Talk about a size difference.

Also Red-Winged Black Birds are aggressive birds. My husband had one attack him (his words)when he was young and Scott has never recovered. Too funny.

Thanks

Colleen

[briansdad]

In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life, it goes on.

—Robert Frost, whose life

“went on” amidst the death of

four of his six children

[briansdad]

We made the front page.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/Newsletters/BPStL_J-F_11.pdf

[ericasmom]

OH yes, coopers hawk is a gorgeous bird, and I think it is the one that flew through the woods just about head level one day, tipped so as not to hurt his wings between branches. I knew that red tails can't do that, but the woman at the nature preserve told me it was a coopers, that they can angle themselves unlike other kinds of hawks and fly through the forest rather than above it. I was attacked by crows once, which scared th epants off of me as they are rather large and they waited for me to come out the other side of a viaduct. I was swooped and squawked at as I walked one morning, did not know why and I was startled of course, there were two of them. As I emerged from the viaduct, they were waiting, which really creeped me out as I felt that Alfred Hitchcock was not far off. Anyway, figured I must have walked too close to a nest or something...it was spring. I was also buzzed by a huge magpie in New Mexico on the streets of Taos. I was just bopping down the road with my tablet and swoop, and squawk, and a hair pull. OW and CRAP! It came back at me. The locals said that magpies sometimes like hair for nesting. Yes, Maggies, I will clean my brush for you, but please don't pull it out of my head.

A bright yellow no black on him finch or wild canary yesterday at the bird bath, think it was a finch due to a song later heard in the forsythia which he matched to a tee. I have long been a bird LOVER. I speak to them, yes, I know, the crazy lady again. THat first full summer without Eri, we had a robin that waited for me to turn on the hose, and when I did she would verbally greet me in excited tones, so I would make a little puddle for her, she'd hop down to the water and bathe or drink, and then I would move to another part of the yard and she would sit on a branch or the flower bed surround and wait for more. Everyday, she hopped about the yard finding my broken heart and singing back the pieces...

It is beautiful out today, and the kids are in spanish so I have this minute and then busy busy all day long. WIshing you love and sunlight to capture your hope in those tiny moments of repair.

[ericasmom]

OH LORRI, tell my handsome Kody that he looked beautiful for prom as did his date, but he looked like a beautiful young man. Hugs to him, to you.

[westleysmom]

Greg-That's great, such a good talk/article that you wrote. Brian is so proud of you.

Lorri-I forgot to say how cute the prom couple was, but you know it already!

Dee-That sounds like a traumatic experience to me too. My FIL does dirt work and one time came home with a smallish hawk that had gotten in some brush he was clearing. He kept it in a cage for a while until it was big enough to let go, and that thing was freaky. I always felt like its eyes were following me everywhere, and I came to understand the term "watching like a hawk". I was glad when he let it go, it gave me the creeps. When he was working, he was always bringing in critters like that.

Have a good day all, we made it through Mother's day somehow. When I got home from my Mama's, there was a gift bag and a pot of dianthus on the porch from James and Amber. A little necklace that says "Nana" and some earrings and a red rose and a card to Rhonda Mom. I was sorry I missed them, but really appreciated that they thought of me. I also had a text from CJ first thing yesterday that said Happy Mother's Day. They are sweet to remember me and I think recognize as much as they can at their ages how hard the day is for me. As it was for all of you my friends.

I hope today is kind to you too.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. Greg that was a great article you wrote. I actually spent some time and read much of what was posted. Thank you for sharing.

I love all of this bird talk. I have been getting frustrated lately because I want so many signs from Brendan. I need more signs from Brendan. The birds just were not enough for me. I want Brendan to basically come here and tough my hand or tell me that he is safe and happy. Then I read all of the bird posts on here last night and realized maybe that is Brendan's only way of letting me know he is ok. I still see Cardinals everywhere I look. On Sunday our family went to buy a new bird feeder. I told Jackson that it would probably take a few days before the birds found it. We went inside and I was looking out the front window maybe five minutes later. First I saw a beautiful bright red cardinal on it. Then a blue jay came to scare away the cardinal. I could not believe how quickly they found it. Plus Brendan's favorite colors were Blue and Red. Those birds left and then two bright yellow little finches came to the feeder. It was pretty cool. I just have to keep telling myself that my Brendan is safe and happy and that we will be together again. When I get as depressed as I was yesterday and today I start to forget that. I forget that one day we will be together again. I forget that he is safe and happy. It has to be true. It just has to be.

Daddy loves you Brendan Anthony. Forever and Always.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Here is a picture of the little memorial Jackson and I made for Brendan in the yard. It is not much, but it is something. Michele liked it. The other picture is Brendan taking his own picture. Lord I miss my son. Not sure why the pictures won't show up.

[Guest msnher]

Tony - When I click on the link it takes me to my own email. ????

Love all the bird stories.

[Guest msnher]

Tony - OOPS! Now I can't get on yahoo at all. It just blinks on and off at me and won't let me get on my email. I exited completely and tried to get on my email and it still blinks on and off. Could it be a virus? Oh-oh. I'm going to try a couple of other things before I take my computer to the puter doctor.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Should not be a virus. The same thing happened to me. I just had to log off and close out of the internet. Then started over again and everything was fine. Sorry about that. I am not sure why that happened. I posted pictures before doing the same exact thing.

[bus1851]

Good morning all,

Had a terrible night, tossed and turned for hours. I guess crashing out most of Sunday was not a great idea. Then this morning I turn on the PC go fix coffee and when I came back the PC had crashed!!! Spent 1 1/2 hours recovering hard drive. Some upgrade sent PC into failure, good thing for back up and restore feature or I would be out a computer right now. This is my last week off of work. It's been almost 2 months since the accident and since I last worked. I am very nervous about getting back but I know it will do me good. I work in a hospital so I am around a lot of death and dying. Before the accident I could hold all the emotions back that are associated with patients who pass and even comfort family members left behind. Now I have no clue as to how I will react to these situations or how I will be around kids and babies Marleys age. I find myself day dreaming whenever I am around little kids and babies imagining that child is Marley and how much I want that child to be her. My boss thinks I will do fine but I have concerns about my level of concentration and focus. I don't want anything to happen to a patient due to my emotional state. I will pray for the best along with all my other prayer's that have yet to be answered. Maybe one day it will all be revealed to me.

Tony-could not view pic, it sent me to yahoo sign in page.

I will be busy this week with softball for Makenna, house arrangements, paperwork for life insurance and funeral and getting ready for work. God please give me strength to do whats best for my family and me and tell my baby Marley daddy loves her and can't wait to see her again.

Marleys dad-CJ

[Guest msnher]

Tony - Correct, no virus. Just weird. I think it was a hotmail/yahoo thing. I was able to get on from your link, but not from any other way. I tried shutting down but that didn't help. I finally deleted yahoo from my favorites and was able to connect through google. All seems to be well. I feel bad because I wanted to see your memorial to Brendan that you and Jackson made.

CJ - I don't know that we get a choice over when we sleep these days. You are a compassionate man and your ability to comfort others now will come from experience, unfortunately, but others will appreciate your words more now. Who knows what's going to happen...it might be too much for you or it might be just what you need to help with your own healing. Who knows? What works one day doesn't work the next. Prayers and hugs!

Amy - Yep, damned if they do, damned if they don't. We were having a great day until Gary took Jasmine to the parts store with him right after he said he was going alone and I specifically asked him to tell me if he changes his mind and takes the kids. He said he wasn't going to change his mind, he wanted to go alone. He DID change his mind and succumbed to Jasmine's request and took her WITHOUT telling me. He just assumed I knew. Right after I specifically asked him to tell me! The first time the kids got to see their mom (Stephanie) after she got out of rehab, Jasmine ran away, looking for her mommy. She was gone about 5 minutes before I realized she had left the yard. I was cooking and told her to play inside or in the back yard but not the front yard. When I went to check on her she was gone. We had her back within 25 minutes (she walked into a stranger's house 6 blocks away looking for her mommy). By that time, however, the police were involved, all the neighbors were looking for her etc. SO Gary was in a lot of trouble for "not" changing his mind and not telling me. I took it personally...I hung up him when I called to see if he had Jasmine...I yelled at him when he came home, slammed the bedroom door right after throwing something at him. Slight over reaction.

I slammed my bedroom door so hard I broke the door knob and was stuck in my bedroom. I had to use the phone to call my husband and tell him I was stuck in the bedroom. He helped me out, but I think he thought being stuck in the bedroom was a good place for me.

The moral of my story? I'm not ready to quit taking my anti depressants. Talked to my doctor's nurse this morning and explained my mental melt downs yesterday...first trying to kick the butt of a 80 yr old on oxygen over a 20 yr old resentment and then attacking my husband like I did. Normally I would just find out he had Jasmine and let it go, grateful he and Jasmine were getting closer.

As it was, Jasmine felt so sorry for him yesterday she was his little shadow.

Insanity: Susannah

[Brendan's Daddy]

No problem Susannah I was just worried that I gave your computer a virus. I will try to figure that out today so I can post it better. Just glad your computer is ok.

CJ

Hang in there today at work. I hope it is good for you to have to focus on something. Work for me was really tough and still is, but I know I have to be here.

I am off to a counseling session this morning. Hopefully I will get that picture posted when I get back.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[daveydow1]

Marleysdad CJ----I, too, had problems with my computer.....possibly after trying & trying to upload

pics to BI. Who knows? After I did 'System Restore' it seemed to fix things. The problem with

posting pics on BI is completely my fault, though......never was much good at it in the nearly 8 yrs.

on this site.

Amy-----Congrats to Katie for being 2nd in her h.s. class. Hope she gets some more scholarships.

They sure do help out a lot. She has shown herself to be a diligent and hard worker, and good

student. I bet she will do well in college.

Betsy-----I love barn swallows......love to see them swoop along in the air in the early summer evenings,

eating all those mosquitoes. I don't think they are the same as a cowbird, though.

Colleen----Thanks for the info on the cowbirds. We only looked them up on the bird chart to identify

them,....and didn't go into the bird books for more info. I do agree, that they seem to be an agressive

bird, as we've seen them puffing their feathers up and charging at other birds at the feeders. Have

not seen any barn swallows yet this season. thanks for the tip about sparrows crowding in on the

bluebird's nesting boxes. I had to repair the bluebird box, as it fell down. While I had it down, I cleaned

out the old nest, repaired the box, and put it back on the post at the end of the grape arbor. When I

was out there yesterday with grandie, Trenton David, we saw two birds around the box. I assumed they

were the bluebirds that nested there last year, but maybe not----I'lll have to pay a little closer attention to

see whether they are the bluebirds or some sparrows.

Dee-----Also,....Thanks for the info on the Cooper's hawks. I see hawks all the time, but don't know much

about them other than they eat other birds.....we/ve seen the larger ones swoop down at the feeders and

take a bird. Scary incident where the crows flew at you as you came out of the viaduct. That must have

been the reason------that you may have come too close to their nesting site......but they are sassy birds.

When I was a kid growing up on the farm, all the farmers would shoot them (if they could). The crows

are VERY vigilent, and they said it would take a good shot to hit one. They were not protected at that

time.....don't know about now. We have had many occaisions where one or two would land in a tree

high above us when we visited Davey's grave......seemed like they were greeting us. Glad that you had

a nice time at the Neil Young concert downtown, and glad that the ride home on public transportation

was uneventful......know what you mean......could be a bit scary.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Leah-----Miss you and your posts. Hope you are doing OK. Peace to you.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda---Forgot to say that the hawk that your FIL brought home and how it just sat

there with its hawk eyes staring at you would be rather unnerving and creepy. It

most likely longed to be free, and its good your FIL released it when it got big enough

to fend for itself. I, too, enjoy all the bird stories and info.

Sherry

[shorty16]

CJ - My daughter went into nursing after my Mother's death. She wanted to help people. But after Brian's death, she too was very afraid of how she would handle sad people or even death.

I am going to mention to you what I told her. "Who better to talk to these people than someone who has gone through it."

In the beginning of my grief, when I heard of another child that died, it affected me terribly. But, like everything else on this grief journey, you begin to heal a bit. After about 1.5 years, I started sending letters to parents in my area who had lost children in a completely preventable way (like Brian's). Many responded to me. I found it good for my soul to help others through this journey.

You will too, but it takes time. The first time you have to deal with the death of child at your job, it will be very difficult. You may feel like you are right back to day one. But the recovery will come. The second, third and forth time, its gets a bit easier. Then there will come a time when you see how much you helped those parents. That feeling is priceless.

Going back to work really helped me. But I was exhausted all the time until I became used to the schedule again.

Take care my friend. This path does get better - a bit easier - especially when you can help other parents.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[bus1851]

colleen,

thank you for your kind words of wisdom. No matter how many times I hear such encouraging comments I still feel very helpless. At work I have always been the person everyone looked to for answers, action and correct interpretation of all situations. Now I still have the title but no longer have the courage to properly execute the position. I wanted my boss to let me step down on a temporary basis til I was confident I had overcome some of the demons that are inside, but she feels like getting right back in charge is the best course. I hope she is right. I am questioning my own self belief system which has never happened to me at work. Hopefully the build-up is worse than the actual event.

Marleys dad-CJ

[lolynbo]

THANKS GALS..IM PROUD OF HIM VERY MUCH AND BROOKEY.....

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH IDK WHAT I DID LAST MOTHERSDAY...I NO I DIDNT CAMP THOUGH...I CLDNT REMEMBER IF THIS WAS THE 3RD MOTHERSDAY WITH OUT MY KOURTNEY OR MY 2ND...MONTY REMINDED ME IT WAS THE 2ND..

I HOPE YOU ALL SURVIVED IT...NOW IF I CAN SURVIVE JUNE..